This post is a direct continuation to:
And a part of the following series:
07102013
“The thing is, I am not particularly
attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday –
in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with
the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the
opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's
behind the resentment?”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
and perceive that if I am attracted towards a person I “should”
approach him/her and that if I resent a person I “shouldn't”
approach him/her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
and perceive that my feeling of attraction/resentment is a
sign/proof/evidence of another person's compatibility/incompatibility
with me, not realizing that what I feel within me is in no way
directly connected to the qualities of another person.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
and perceive that another person is responsible for my feeling of
attraction/resentment, not realizing that I create the feeling
whereas the other person only acts as a trigger to the patterns I
live as.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify
including in my life only those whom I feel comfortable with and
excluding those whom I feel uncomfortable with, because I have
believed and perceived that it is “natural” for people to be
drawn towards some and pulled away from others.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that by believing it is “natural” to like some and
dislike others, I separate myself from this reality by refusing to
include all kinds of people in “my world” - the subjective
reality I create by piecing together my life experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that even though it is very common for people to like some
and dislike others, this is not how things ought to “naturally”
be, as it creates rivalry, competition and separation and alienates
people from the reality that withholds ALL kinds of people, not just
the people that one finds pleasing.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that in order for me to ever have a somewhat reliable and
truthful view of the world, I need to interact with all kinds of
people, because every single one needs to be considered when
directing myself/the world towards a future that is best for all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that the things I resent are outside of my comfort zone,
which is an indicator of a lesson to be learned, an opportunity to
expand my comfort zone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
embrace resentment as an opportunity for growth.
I am now thinking of a model of learning created by a russian
psychologist Lev Vygotsky. He placed three circles inside each other
and dubbed the innermost “Comfort Zone”, the second layer
“Learning Zone”, and the third one “Panic Zone”. The point in
the model is that when one is faced with suitably sized challenges,
one will learn – and when the challenge is too big, learning
becomes impossible. I am comparing my situation with this model and
thinking whether or not these challenges are “too big” for me to
handle and what kind of support I need to get through them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
interacting with the people I resent.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
interacting with the people I resent because I have focused on what I
dislike about the person and used it as an excuse to stay within my
comfort zone.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as
I have reacted with fear to another person, to search for and focus
on the “flaws” I find in the person and then use these “flaws”
as an excuse to keep the person away from me – not realizing that I
am actually running away from my fear, which I ignored in the first
place.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore
and cover up the fear reaction that occurs in me when and as I create
resentment towards another person.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that I reacted with fear when X asked me out and that
every thought I had about the situation from that point onwards was
influenced by that fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent
agreeing to go on a date with X because I believed my resentment
to be founded on facts (who the other actually is), not realizing
that my resentment is founded on excuses, assumptions and
interpretations as I have only met the person a couple of times and
thus cannot say that I have any real idea of who he actually is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore
the fact that when X asked me out, my experience/thought was “oh
fuck no, not him as well”, within that moment my perception of him
collapsing and changing from neutral/friendly into one loaded with
sex/relationshit/assumptions/fear/resentment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that it is my attitude/approach to romantic interest that is
fucked up, not the situation itself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that a person expressing their interest towards me with
whatever means they have learned to be “appropriate” (i.e. asking
me out for a date) is this person's self-expression and nothing
personal towards me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel
burdened whenever someone expresses their interest towards me,
feeling somehow obligated to not “hurt” them.
- A memory of couple dancing lessons from school (at the age of 13-14). We were told that if someone comes to ask you to dance, it is incredibly impolite to refuse. We were told that everyone should have that one dance, and after that it is OK to refuse to dance anymore. This felt suffocating to me because I imagined all the worst-case scenarios of having “creepy” and “disgusting” boys/men come over to me and me being obligated to dance with them.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent dancing with people whom I have defined as “disgusting”, not realizing that my definition is based on the fear reaction I initially have towards these people, from which point onwards I search for their “flaws” and create resentment.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the people I have defined as “disgusting” are not in fact disgusting but that my experience towards them is, and that therefore I cannot blame them for being disgusting but myself for creating that experience within myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the chance to face my own fears when and as I have been approached by people I have feared, resented and justified feeling disgusted towards.
--
08102013
I realize there are some words and terms that I am now reacting to.
They are:
- date / dating (in finnish: treffit)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define
the word “date” (“treffit”) to mean such an event where two
people meet each other with expectations, hopes and wishes of
romance, sex, intimacy, company and partnership, which makes them
blind to what is actually HERE (who the people actually are) as
everything within the meeting is filtered through the expectations,
hopes and wishes – anticipation - making it impossible for the
situation to end up in anything but disappointment or fulfillment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that even if I go on a “date” (“treffit”) with
someone who has expectations, hopes and wishes about the situation, I
don't have to position myself towards the situation in a similar
manner.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that when I go onto a “date” (“treffit”) with
expectations, hopes and wishes that are directed towards the other
person, I am (indirectly) asking for the other to fulfill my desires,
to feed my addiction, to be what I am not to myself – and that I am
thus living as a beggar only caring about my self-interest and
seeing the other as a “tool” to get what I want.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that a “date” (“treffit”) does not have to include
expectations directed towards the other, and that instead I can go
onto a date without expectations, with no desire, plan or a goal of
what I would like to do with the person, and through getting to know
the person create the interaction moment by moment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
going on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone whom I perceive
and believe to be “begging” me for something (directing his/her
expectations towards me) because I have felt like I am obligated to
not “hurt” that person and that I am thus “powerless” in
front of their desire.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that living according to a thought pattern where I cannot
“hurt” the other by being honest and refusing to participate in
their energy possessions, I make myself a victim of abuse. [This is
how people get raped, for example.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that the “hurtful” experience of another is in fact created
by the other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry
responsibility for “hurting people” when I have been honest and
not participated in their romantic/lustful energy possessions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
other people getting disappointed because they might exert and blame
their experience on me, and thus rather try and keep people from
getting disappointed.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that when another person reacts to their “energy train”
hitting the wall and crumbling away, I am of most support to the
person by keeping myself stable and NOT by giving into fear and
trying to get their energy up and running again.
When and as I react with fear to another's disappointment (as
expressed through anger, depression, spite etc.) - I stop, I breathe
and I realize that the fear is a remnant of a thought pattern that is
no longer functional. I realize that by giving into my fear and
trying to “soften the blow” for the other I will only make the
situation worse. I remind myself that by keeping myself stable and
focusing on forgiving and releasing my own reaction I am of most
support to the other as well as to myself. I focus on my breath and
on my body, letting go of all tension that occurs. I allow the other
to express their disappointment, and when/as/if they are done
expressing themselves, I will move myself according to self-honesty.
--
09102013
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that even the people I am overwhelmingly attracted to do in
fact have “flaws” that I pick up - they are not perfect as
opposed to those I resent – but that I am too busy with my
experience of “falling in love” to pay attention to and define
them according to these “flaws” YET.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that each and every person has lessons to offer me as there
are points in every person I react to with fear. [In theory I guess
it's possible that those points might run out eventually, at least
with some individuals, at least for a while.]
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that when I look at these dates I have now agreed to attend I
have expectations myself, and that even though they are not positive
expectations but negative ones (fear, standing back, keeping a
distance, being wary, expecting the worst, being in escape mode,
keeping an emergency exit, “what if things go wrong”) they do in
fact influence my positioning in the situation – they are the
polarity of positive expectations and carry the exact same amount of
consequences.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame
others for having expectations towards a meeting when I have had
expectations all the same.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand
that others take care of their shit so that I wouldn't have to deal
with mine.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect
that these dates will “not go well”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that
these dates will “not go well” because then I'd have an excuse
not to face the fears the other triggers in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect
that when I invite Y to my house he will try to take advantage of
the situation, not realizing that I base this expectation on who I
believe him to be – the two-dimensional paper doll labeled “Y”
I have painted within my mind – and not on who he actually is
because I don't really know him all that much.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter my
perception of Y through the initial fear he triggered in me
through some romantic gesture some weeks ago, thus ignoring all the
“signs” that tell me he might as well be a decent person that I
can trust to not be an abusive asshole.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear
being abused, not realizing that I accept and allow abuse to happen
throughout the interaction that leads up to the act of abuse by
making myself less than who I am.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react
with fear to “romantic gestures” because I have perceived and
believed them to be a sign of the other having expectations, hopes
and wishes towards me, not realizing that no matter the other's
intentions these “romantic gestures” are only “romantic” if I
believe them to be, and that in essence they are just actions: giving
a “romantic gift” is just giving a gift, a “kiss on the hand”
is just a kiss on a body part, “sweet-talking” is just giving a
compliment.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react
with fear to “romantic gestures” just as I reacted to X's
dating proposal: with my stance collapsing from neutral/friendly into
negative expectations, “oh fuck he wants something from me”.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if another person wants something from me I am somehow responsible for it.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be burdened by other people's desires, not realizing that even if the desires are directed towards me I am still not connected to those desires – I am just the trigger for who the other one is as behavioral and mental patterns.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that “romantic gestures” are the self-expression of
another, which is nothing personal towards me (even if the other
personifies their feelings with their image of me) and that I do not
have to participate in them in any way whatsoever if I so choose.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a
“romantic gesture” as a sign of “who I need to / am expected to
be” and not as an indicator of who the other one is.
I commit myself to participate in these dates aware of my own movements, not blaming my reactions on the other but bringing them back to myself.
I commit myself to support and assist myself to stand clear within these meetings by focusing on my breath and taking note of any and all reactions that may occur.
I commit myself to expect others to be no less than the best they can be.
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