Day 401: Trust issues

15052014

I have been writing things down again lately, but I haven't yet been able to produce text comprehensive enough for publishing. This is why today I chose to record a video based on what I had processed in writing and application earlier.

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

 03102013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

The connection personality (see yesterday's post for context)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for a connection in relationships because I have felt disconnected from Life.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disconnect myself from Life – from all that there is – by believing and perceiving that I am somehow “special”, “unique” and “individual”, that I am “different” from other forms of Life because I have a consciousness of my “own”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for the experience of “being alive” from the energetic experience of “connecting” with another person as I have separated/alienated myself from the experience of being alive in every single breath.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate/alienate myself from myself as a being of Life by not realizing I am in fact alive in every single heartbeat, every single inhale and exhale, every single moment that passes by.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation that “being alive” should feel somehow “big” and “overwhelming” and to thus feel disappointed when my life does not include that rush of energy. *

* I need to investigate where this expectation/definition has been created. Probably somewhere in my childhood, where positive life experiences have been experienced with a rush of energy, thus confusing this energy and “good living” to be connected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for a connection in relationships because I have felt disconnected from myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disconnect myself from myself by resenting myself, thinking that life experienced through “who I am” is not “good enough” - it doesn't feel big, strong, overwhelming, ecstatic, powerful, fulfilling enough – not realizing that I have created “who I am” and that I am thus responsible for my life experience not being enjoyable, and that I cannot mend this by seeking for fulfillment from outside of me, as if I was abandoning a sinking ship.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my life does not feel fulfilling because of how I live from within myself, and that I have created my experience of unfulfillment/disconnection by living as a being that is limited, suppressed, fearful and self-dishonest.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for a “cure” for my unfulfillment/disconnection from other people, wanting to live through others as my “ship” has already been sinking, not realizing that I cannot escape this “ship” and jump onto another – it is simply physically impossible – and that if I want to live a fulfilling life I am going to have to fix THIS “ship” - myself – so that this “ship” could sail on its own.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent facing my own misgivings and finding a way to mend them because they have felt “too much” and “unmendable”, thus giving up on living as self-fulfillment/self-connection and only seeking fulfillment/connection from other people.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for the moment where I “connect” with another because within that moment we become an entity – two beings energetically synchronized – which makes me feel more “fulfilled” as I for a moment live through/in a symbiosis with the other and thus can ignore myself and not live within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it is justified for me to neglect myself and to seek for the experience of “connection” from others as “fulfillment”, because this is what I have for all my life seen others do – this is what my world taught me through example – and because “everyone else is doing it” I believe and perceive myself to be excused to do it as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave for the moment where I “connect” with another because within that moment I feel accepted, seen and heard, meaningful, worthy, special and loved – not realizing that I do not experience any of this as myself but only through the other, meaning that if the other was not there I would not experience self-acceptance, self-attention, self-direction, self-worth and self-appreciation but would feel “empty” and “unfulfilled”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the “magnetism” I feel between me and another is a sign that I'm doing the “right thing” - that getting closer to the other is justified – when in fact that “pull” I feel is me moving within and as my mind according to my desire to get to the acceptance I might get from the other, like a beggar approaching a man with a wallet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to replace self-acceptance with the acceptance I get from others, not realizing that this is not a sustainable way of living as the acceptance I get from others always fades so that I have to go “hunting” for more, whereas I could build self-acceptance into my very structure so that it would be with me no matter “where I go” – even if there were no other beings around me to make me feel accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a “good life” is a life lived – meaning that every moment of life is in fact lived within and as breath, as the being that I am in the flesh within the physical existence, and not escaped by jumping from one energetic experience to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that “fully living” means that every moment should “feel like something” - that every moment should be energetically charged.

I will continue with self-corrective statements and commitments on what I have written during the past few days.

Days 298-300: Ego as an Idol

24-26082013

For the past two days I've been writing about a situation in which I accepted and allowed my ego to lead me blindly into seeking fame and glory at the expense of children. I was asked to be a judge in a children's singing contest and also to speak to the audience on behalf of the entire jury. I did all of this and in my own terms I managed “well”, I was pretty to look at and comfortable to listen to, I was setting an “admirable” example to the children, I was making the “right” choice on the winners – except that this is all bullshit. I justified participating in a system (competition) that supports inequality and creates separation by thinking that this way the children “get experience on performing” (which they could actually get in a simple concert without the setting of a contest) and all the while the reason I really wanted to be there was to be seen, to show off myself and build a self-image of an admirable public figure.

The consequence of this was that I became anxious and paranoid while walking in the middle of the crowd because I started judging myself on how “well” I did on the speech and the appearance and then projected my self-judgement on others and believed them to now think less of me. I could not stand the eyes I imagined to have been on me and I had to leave.

When I was writing through all this (in extensive and messy writings which I will not publish) I came across self-hate when I realized what I had done. I need to forgive myself for falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate, despise and loathe myself when and as I realized I had listened to my ego when making a decision to participate in the contest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-hate will not assist and support me to grow as a being because hate is an act of holding on to the past and judging myself in the present (and future, “I will never be good enough”) according to who I was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-hate will not assist and support me to move on because from within hate I cannot truly forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I should lash myself into “being a better person” through guilt, shame and self-hate, not realizing that doing so is an act of punishing myself which will eventually kill me, either through exhaustion or through the culmination of self-hate in suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have mercy on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making mistakes is inevitable, and that the way to deal with mistakes is not to hate myself (which will only incapacitate me and make me “even less” than I already am within my moment of falling) but to recognize the consequences of my mistake and to carry responsibility for them.

I commit myself to consider participating in contests like this from a wider perspective: what are the implications of the existence of a contest like this? What is a children's singing contest as a system? What does it serve? What are the consequences for the children? What are the consequences for the families? Who are the parents that bring their children to contests like this? Who are the children we see competing? What would rewarding one individual do for him/her and what would it do for another? [I will shortly write an essay on what I saw and have seen about all this.]

If I am asked to participate in a contest like this again, I commit myself to consider what my field of influence there would be and decide my participation accordingly; I also commit myself to discuss the purpose and necessity of a children's singing contest with the people arranging it.

--

Another thing I went through is my desire to be famous, which I have already written about quite a lot. I realized that there is a certain set of memories I need to go through to access the root of this desire, which is in the birth of my self-hate when I compared myself to my sister and later on to my female friends.

Some SF on fame I wrote earlier:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be famous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be famous because I wanted to be loved by as many people as possible – I wanted to make sure everyone liked me, or that enough people liked me so that I'd be “untouchable” / immune to judgement.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the energetic “high” I would get from the adoration of the public would be the only way for me to ever handle negative attention because it would act as a “buffer” or a “shield” as long as many enough people were there to “accept” me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am “too weak” to handle negative attention and that to deal with it I “need” the “love” of the audience (the confirmation that I am “good enough”).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have actually been escaping my tendency to take negative attention personally and avoiding facing this point by blaming my reaction on others and avoiding ever facing what the negative attention (bullying) actually was.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been reaching for fame so that it would work as a “shield” to protect me from bullying or, in fact, my own self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that being exposed to many people's attention would bring me acceptance because I had a skill (singing) that everyone I had met so far had appreciated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I could expose as many people as possible to my skills I would be accepted and loved by all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I was actually seeking from fame was the acceptance I was not giving myself; a placebo to my self-hate. [Note to self: the birth of my self-hate would be a good point to open up – specific memories of a certain era to be mapped out.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the acceptance I would receive from the audience would never be enough to sustain me throughout my life AND death because in essence I am alone – I'm born alone, I breathe alone, I die alone; if I were to depend on others for sustenance I would have to keep on pulling the tricks that bring out positive reactions from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “adoration”, “love” and “acceptance” that I have believed and perceived myself to be getting from the people who admired me was actually me taking the reactions and experiences of others personally, believing I was the cause of another's experience when in fact I was “just” the trigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to look at me with adoration and submission instead of hate, ridicule and dominance – not realizing that I would just be exerting a sugar-coated revenge by dominating others in turn as I did not see, realize and understand that I could be equal with others as I had never seen an example of equality.

I commit myself to proceed next onto going through these memories of how I came to hate myself as a child/adolescent.

--

Forgiving the ego point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was doing “the right thing” when I got compliments about my appearance, thinking that it was justified for me to be doing the judging/performing/appearance because I was so good at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that by looking pretty, calm and composed I would be a good example for the children, not realizing that the children pick up who I live as, not who I appear to be, and that because I was appearing pretty, calm and composed as an image driven by the ego this is what the children will learn: to appear confident because it is a part of their self-image and because they're afraid of being anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “letting loose” (expressing myself however the hell I wanted) in front of the audience because I wanted to maintain an appearance and feared that breaking that appearance would mean that I would no longer be appreciated or respected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I need to appear serene, beautiful, calm, balanced and stable to be the kind of a public figure that everyone would respect / not hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed to the public because some people might not like me and exert their disapproval on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am exposed to the public as myself I am bound to not be liked by all as the things I have to say/express are such that not everyone wants to hear; someone is bound to react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to be liked by everyone I would have to keep on changing my appearance according to my audience and that this way of living would be based on dishonesty: I would live as a multitude of characters instead of living as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the price I pay for “being safe” is too much; it is not worth sacrificing myself for.

I commit myself to flag any and all moments when I see myself limiting my expression for the sake of my appearance and to investigate them in writing.

When and as I see myself limiting my expression for the sake of my appearance – thinking/experiencing “I have to do this” or “I cannot do this” - I stop, I breathe and I realize I am living as my ego and serving my self-image. I ask myself: what am I trying to portray and why? I answer myself in self-honesty, not accepting or allowing myself to believe any bullshit excuses or justifications, demanding myself for the truth. I forgive myself for whatever I find, allowing myself to face and realize who I am within the moment, yet understanding that we all make mistakes and that now that I see mine I am able to make amends. I look at the consequences of this self-limitation and I carry my responsibility for what I have caused, within or outside of myself.

I commit myself to carry on with my process in order to become an example I would be happy to have children live by, and I commit myself to settle for no less.

Day 295: Singing to succeed

21082013

A few days ago I was a judge in a children's singing contest. It was a semifinal and we had to select a few children who would not be continuing to the final round which is held this weekend. After the contest a father approached me and another judge, telling us that his daughter had been dropped from the final and asking for specific feedback on what his daughter could improve; why exactly did she not make it?

I went through my notes and remembered this girl having been the least developed singer of the bunch, mainly because her singing was really forced and violent. I explained to the father the technical issues and basically told him that the girl needs to relax, and that she has to be given time to develop, because the voice of a child goes through a huge maturing process simply through the growth of the physical body. The judge I was with also gave her point of view which followed along the same lines as my feedback.

As I observed the father I noticed a huge tension in him. He told us how disappointed the girl is, because she has been in many contests never succeeding. I could see him anxious for his child's happiness and success, and the way he was doing it out of fear was pulling him, straining him; the feedback we gave was difficult for him to take because there was no comfort there; there was no quick fix to the child's “issue”, the boulder keeping her from happiness – what she believes she needs to be happy. I don't know how he broke it down to the child, but I hope he got my point about relaxing about it.

This got me thinking about my own childhood. I was taken to numerous singing contests ever since the age 6. I won the very first contest I attended, and ever since then I went to more and more contests in search of more success. I enjoyed the contests because it usually meant I could learn new songs and perform in front of people, and we usually also took a trip somewhere special so that I could attend the contest. It was a good way to motivate me to practice singing and performing and I learned a lot through it.

But there was also a negative side to it. My mother really wanted me to go to these contests because otherwise my “talent” would “go to waste”. She perceived and believed success in music to be measured by exposure, fame, awards and recordings, and I don't blame her because that's the limited way our culture defines music. She wanted me to have all the chances to express and explore myself that she didn't have growing up in a really poor family. Her enthusiasm topped mine, and eventually the contests became a strain to me, I felt like I was forced to do things, I felt disappointed when I didn't win (I rarely did), I felt like I was being forced into a mold that I didn't want to fit in. So in my teens I told my mother I didn't want to do it anymore and so she stopped pushing me, although expressing her great regret about it.

When I return to thinking about that very first contest I attended and won, I realize it has been a turning point, a defining moment. I was a very small girl and I have very vague memories of that situation. I can't remember the moment I got up on the stage and sang, but I do remember the moment the results were announced, I was declared winner and my family told me to get up and get my trophy. What I remember of this moment is noticing my family's agitation. All of my family, my parents and my three siblings, were with me (a rare occasion), and I remember my sister, my idol and anchor, was sitting next to me. I didn't really understand what the announcers were saying, but I remember they announced the results so that my family could guess that I was the winner before anyone said it because I was the only one left without a reward. I remember this wave of excitement coming from my family sitting on my left side, them being all “oh my god did she?” “can it be?” “oh wow you won!”, surprised and overjoyed and excited for me. I didn't understand what “winning” meant, but from my family's reaction I gathered that I had done something positive, I had succeeded. I walked down to the stage to be awarded, and the judges handed me a huge, heavy trophy, making a joke that I might not be able to lift it (I was tiny) and everyone in the audience laughing in approval of my adorable victory.

I see that the reaction of my family defined the moment for me, because their emotional response was overflowing, it was really “big” for me. Their joy represented acceptance, ultimate acceptance, and topped with the huge trophy the moment was somehow “crowned”. In order to get that ultimate acceptance I would have to succeed in the same way. This is where I started to define myself according to my singing: it was my strength, my asset, and I would have to be the best to remain accepted in the eyes of others. The fact that the victory is the only thing I remember of the contest is revealing, because my memory has selected not to remember the singing - the moment of expression - at all. All my memory selected is the moment of positive reinforcement.

So most of my life (ever since the age 6) I have been in search of that ultimate acceptance, which I believed to be found in other people, in my success, and not from within myself. This is probably one of the reasons why I react to disapproval / rejection / failure so strongly. I am afraid that when I express myself I will not be accepted – that I will be rejected as I was so many times in all those singing contests. Of course my history in being bullied in school also has a part to play, but I see that the bullying and the search for approval in contests are interlinked: they are my childhood, who I was back then. Through writing I am slowly piecing together my past so that my childhood/adolescence would make sense to me – that I would see the big picture – and every time I actually go through a specific memory like I did above I see the big picture getting a little bit clearer. I have been postponing going through a lot of things in my past but now I see I can no longer do that. I want to understand who I am now and why I keep messing shit up (there is one major underlying issue I haven't gotten hold of yet), and the way there goes through my past. Thus:

I commit myself to write about a memory from my past every day from now on until I am done with my past.

• I may write about the memory in my blog
• I may write about the memory separately from my blog posts
• I choose whichever memory seems to be “on the surface”
• I will have a specific notebook with me so that I will be able to do this anywhere

I commit myself to this challenge and project within and as the realization that the key to who I am now lies in my past in all the moments that have led up to this moment as everything I am now has accumulated over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing to this project because it appears long, time-consuming and, as my thoughts put it, “daunting” - not realizing that my past is not infinite and that eventually I will have gone through all of it, as long as I do it consistently: a little at a time at regular intervals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this commitment because I believe and perceive it is “too much” for me in addition to writing a blog, attending the DIP Lite course AND studying and working and living a life – not realizing that I have already committed to the Journey To Life project, where I will write a blog for seven fucking years, and that an additional project of opening a memory each day is not much compared to or in addition to that – and they might actually contribute to each other!

I commit myself to embrace this new challenge within and as the realization that it is what is best for me and thus also what is best for all.

Days 271-273: One big family

09-11072013

A new perspective on family was presented to me yesterday. In the western world our idea of a family is very narrow, consisting only of the “core family” which is usually the parents and their children. This view on family causes our circle of empathy to become limited, meaning that we only feel empathy towards those we perceive to be closest to us, and most people beyond those borders are met and interacted with from a distance. I have had conversations with friends where they have told me that as long as they and their families are safe and well, the rest of the world can die around them. “Why would I care?”, I'm told.

Right now I am visiting a culture in which the concept of family is more expansive. People call each others brothers and sisters and aunties and mamas and papas even if they weren't actually related by blood, because the concept of family covers all the people you interact with in your life, the people you live with, work with, spend time with, all the people you come across. Sometimes this leads to confusion about who is actually a brother to someone and whatnot, but mostly it just doesn't matter. Why would it be any different if we were born from the same mother? What difference would it make in the life we live right now, right here? Because my friend has been living here for months now she knows many people, and when she has introduced me to people I have immediately been accepted as a part of family. I am her “sister” and she is everyone's “family” so I am “family” as well.

Yesterday my friend told me how she had realized what difference this change in view actually makes in the actions of people, and I realized I have never really considered people outside my family as family. There is a lot of talk for example within christianity about us all being each others “brothers” and “sisters” - and I realized that I have never lived in such a way, I have never really seen other people without that boundary: “you are alien to me”, “keep your distance”. I tried this approach with another friend I came across that day, asking myself “what if he was my brother?”, and I noticed a difference in the level of empathy and care towards that person. It was a strange experience, like a veil being lifted, especially because I have been welcomed like a family member here thinking I have given the same back to others, but now it appears that actually I haven't.

I realize that the reason I raise these walls with others is fear. I have defined family as “the place where I am safe”, which is a definition that excludes the rest of humanity, which is a shitload of people. I realize that my actual family is the entire human race, because we have all originated from the same process of evolution. We're all branches of the same tree. It does not matter which branch I happen to be born in, because the trunk is the same for everyone. In order to live as equal to everyone else I need to see them as my family, as one with me, not as “the others”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to out of fear keep people at a distance and only allow a selected few get close to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define these selected few to be “family”, consisting of the people I grew up with and thus developed a strong bond of trust with and the people I have developed bonds of trust with later on through friendship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require people to show me their “trustworthiness” before I let them close to me, not realizing that I am here pushing the responsibility over my own insecurity to others when in fact I should be facing myself and asking myself what it is I am protecting from others and ultimately from myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that insecurity is when I refuse to know myself and thus will not let others know me either because when others would see me I would be forced to see me as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “family” as a safe environment because the people included in “family” already know everything about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I cannot let people outside of “family” close to me because “I don't know them” - not realizing that it is actually about them not knowing me and me feeling insecure about myself and how these people will react when they find out all about me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will judge and reject who I am and from within that fear regulate what I express of myself to present an appropriate appearance instead of living as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel uncertain about who I am and thus hesitate to show myself as I really am because I fear I will not be accepted by those around me who have not yet shown me how they relate to who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the people who have not yet seen who I am because I do not know whether they will accept me or not, whereas with “family” I already “know” (assume / trust) that I will be accepted no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the people whose acceptance is uncertain to me as “unsafe” and “not family”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a behavioral pattern of keeping a distance to everyone who I've defined as “unsafe”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place value on the acceptance of others as a definer of my worth and thus create a desire to have acceptance / a fear of not having acceptance – not realizing that I am making myself completely dependent on the whims of others and thus living as self-neglect instead of embracing myself and gifting myself with self-acceptance, which is all that I actually need to know I am “worthy” - that I am LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the acceptance or rejection of others does NOT define me unless I use it as an excuse to define myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all definitions are self-definitions – in other words, even if another person would define me through acceptance/rejection, this definition does NOT exist within my subjective experience of life – which is all I've got! - UNLESS I believe the definition and use it myself, which is when I myself direct myself to define myself a certain way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it does not matter how well I can guess how another will react to who I am, because in the end it is always a guess as people might choose differently depending on a many factors – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on “family” to always accept me, not realizing that one day they may not and then I'd have to carry myself, and that it is thus my responsibility to be able to carry myself even without a “safety net”.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to people who get close to my “personal zone” and that I've limited and suppressed my self-expression accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a “personal zone” within which are all the things I feel insecure about and outside of which are all the things I feel secure about, the outside forming my appearance and the inside my hidden self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified to have a “personal zone” within which I can keep things that I do not want anyone to see – not realizing that by doing this I give myself permission to not look at those things either, which is when I neglect myself by not actually knowing myself thoroughly, the “dark” and the “light” side of me alike.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by letting others see the things I am insecure about I am able to get immeasurably valuable feedback about myself and the sides of me that I do not yet know, and that I am thus doing myself a great service by letting others see my insecurities as they then become insecurities no more; when you shine a light to a shadow all you see is what is actually in the shadow and the shadow itself disappears.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified for people to have “personal zones” because if others are allowed to have one, so am I, which means that I am safe just as long as I give others the same chance to hide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to uphold the “personal zones” of others by not approaching the topics that people seem to be uncomfortable with, not realizing that I am actually doing them a disservice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert my discomfort on those who have approached my “personal zone” by getting angry and offended and blaming these people for being “invasive” and “insensitive”, either directly expressing this, talking about them behind their backs or passing blame within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the chance to explore myself and get to know myself when others have approached my “personal zone” aka the sides of me I am insecure about.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to people approaching my “personal zone” by instantly “withdrawing” into a defensive posture where I close myself up so that nothing else would “leak out”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I go into this defensive posture mentally I also tense up physically and thus cause damage and strain onto my physical self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to arrogantly believe and perceive that I already fully know who I am, not realizing that this belief/perception itself indicates an approach that will stop me from fully seeing myself.

--

When and as I see myself tensing up in the presence of someone I find “unsafe”, trying to present the “good side” of me and hiding my weaknesses – I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am hiding something I myself do not wish to see. I remind myself that there is nothing to fear, because the response/feedback of another is nothing personal and does NOT define me. I stabilize myself in breath and I ask myself: what do I not want the other to see? Why do I not want to see it myself? I locate the tension in my physical body and assist it to relax with breath. I continue with the interaction aware of the fears that are present within me and I keep myself open to opportunities to work on those fears directly with the other.

I commit myself to utilize the self-corrective statement above throughout this day to see what difference it makes in the interactions I have and how it affects my current state of being.

In order to see what difference it makes, I commit myself to face people as if they were my family by asking myself: “what if he/she was my brother/sister/mother/father?”

I commit myself to this experiment as a birthday gift to myself.

Day 249: Fear of exposing myself through singing

02-032013

Singing at my father's wedding in 2011.

Today I faced an interesting fear. I was spending my day on a nice, calm residential area and had no plans but to sit around reading and writing and maybe connecting with people if I got the chance to. I ended up sitting next to the local subway station and while I was watching the people flow by I realized that this would be a perfect spot and a perfect moment for street performing, which I had planned on doing during my trip if I got the chance and if I started to run out of money. I had thought about doing this a couple times before, but I had always had an excuse not to, but this time I had all the practical elements in order and so there were no excuses left not to do it.

Once the idea got to me I noticed that at first I was already about to do it – like, “alright, this would be suitable now, I'll do it”, just seeing the practicality and acting upon it - but then I was stopped by a paralyzing fear. It was not a verbalized thought that stopped me, but a feeling, something that made my heart beat really fast and hard. I am not sure what the initial starting point was for my nervousness to arise.

So I little by little physically moved myself into a position where all I had left to do was to lay down my money cup and start singing. This is where I got stuck for about a half an hour. I asked myself: What do I fear? Who am I right now? And I moved through many layers of self-awareness, where I admitted to my fears and demons and saw myself for who I was within my fears and my motivation. Eventually when I had already gone through all this I noticed that I was simply looping, repeating the same thought patterns over and over again, and I realized that all that was left to do was to actually move myself. I told myself: “I am not leaving here until I do this.” I tried to move my hand to lay down the cup but I stopped myself mid-way. I tried again with the exact same result. I then decided to move myself completely, got up from the bench, moved around a bit standing up, up and down, laid my cup down and just pushed through the resistance and started to sing – and from that moment on it was easy, things went smoothly, I enjoyed myself, others seemed to enjoy me and I/we had a lot of fun. So I had to actually change my position entirely: the sitting position I had been stuck in for a half an hour was a manifestation of my fear and hesitation and it was necessary to move myself out of it to shake off the fear.

A fucking insanely difficult threshold to cross, especially concerning by background in performance arts, but I did it! And I can actually see that from now on doing the same thing will be easier because I have already proven to myself that my fears were invalid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my singing is not as good that I believe it to be and that I will embarrass myself by singing in public without a band to back me up.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give authority to the experience of embarrassment by losing my stance and separating myself from myself with self-judgement when and as I have perceived and believed others to judge me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that embarrassment is an experience I create in my mind based on guesswork, interpretations and a distorted self-image and that this experience is in no way whatsoever based on reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my voice and singing alone is not enough to count as a performance, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief as an excuse not to sing on the streets alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I wish to have a band or other singers to back me up because when I am alone I will not be just a performance but I will be exposing myself in public.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to others in public through my singing as self-expression as I have not faced and embraced myself within and as that act of self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-expression by not standing within and as myself when and as I sing in the presence of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that there is a standard I need to reach to be accepted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that once I accept and embrace myself I will show myself to others in self-honesty, which enables others to accept me as well as I grant them access to my real self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scenarios where others would show their disapproval of my self-expression, because I have learned to fear this in my childhood where my peers bullied me because of how I expressed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of the judgement of others is based on a childhood misconception that I am defined by the opinions of others, and that this fear is thus not valid as I now see, realize and understand that the opinions of others are manifestations of who they are, not of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my ability to sing as I have perceived and believed this ability to be defined by technical skills alone, not realizing that the ability to sing is also composed of self-expression which has nothing to do with physical technique – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for both the technical and expressive ability that I do in fact have when and as I sing without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my lack of education in singing techniques as an excuse not to perform and as evidence for my perception that my skills are less than they actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and suppress my self-expression with a distorted self-image and with excuses that put the blame for this on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sing from the starting point of impressing others with my skills, not singing to express myself but to present an image of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of singing alone in public is not about facing others but about facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself when and as I sing by considering what others might want to hear me sing, not realizing that I cannot possibly know this and that the “best guess” is just to sing what I enjoy singing as that is the most self-honest approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear singing because I am then fully exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes when I sing because I want to maintain a self-image of flawlessness, reacting to all mistakes by “pulling back” from my self-expression and from then on “playing it safe” - not realizing that everyone makes mistakes and that they can be utilized for learning, growth and expansion of skill.

I commit myself to embrace moments of making mistakes when singing as moments of humanity – in other words, I commit myself to embrace my flaws as moments of learning by checking what led me to that particular mistake and what could be done differently.

I commit myself to utilize upcoming opportunities to perform in public and to embrace those moments as self-expression and communication.

When and as I face the fear of singing in public – I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that I can rely on myself to be here for me and with me. I realize that my fear of others is based on the misconception that other people are not like me and cannot/will not sympathize with me. I realize that I am here to express myself to and communicate with others through the tool of singing. I breathe and stabilize myself and align myself with all of my physical existence. I then proceed to push through the threshold of fear by letting my voice flow from me in full strength within and as the realization that the threshold is actually imaginary as I will remain HERE just the same before and after crossing it, and that the threshold will get smaller each and every time I cross it.

I commit myself to sing in the presence of others from the starting point of self-expression as I see, realize and understand that this is the only way my singing will be self-honest communication with others and not an ego show.

I commit myself to investigate the experience of embarrassment by stopping and breathing when and as I experience embarrassment and/or fear the experience of embarrassment, thus becoming aware of it and not accepting and allowing these moments to slip by.

Day 227: Unraveling dependency - a new perspective

07052013

nobody likes me - http://efana.deviantart.com/art/Spikes-30DC-258571057

“God, I'm so sick and tired of this point reoccurring!” Good. That means I am willing to move on. So what is it that I am holding onto? What is it that I am unwilling to let go?

I have used people to create a sense of stability, certainty and self-worth. I have done this ever since high school when I got “real” friends as compared to those I had had throughout my preliminary education. I was so happy to have friends that actually liked me and wanted to hang out with me that I completely imprinted on them and got dependent on them – and I never realized that the reason people wanted to hang out with me was that I was likable – not that they were kind enough to stick around. This dependency of mine became a strain every now and then and I realized I couldn't rely on my friends because they had lives of their own. Instead I turned to romantic relationships – they were about lifelong commitment, right? - to fulfill my need to rely on others.

This pattern still prevails. When I do not have any romantic sizzle going on, I turn to friends – when I am in a relationship, I fully hold onto that one person. And this is because I fear loneliness, I fear myself, I fear facing myself, I do not rely on myself. There's this sense of dread and panic when I realize that there is no one here I could turn to with a plausible excuse, when I realize that it would be the best course of action if I just staid alone right now – I can't breathe, the walls start coming in, the room seems darker, the world's more distant. It's like everything around me turns into a frightening demon – when in fact the demon is me.

These moments when the night is falling but it's not completely dark yet are the worst. It's a reminder that the darkness is coming and that the electric light indoors is not enough to resemble the day. My fallacies, illusions, tricks, beliefs and imagery are not enough to blind me from reality – the darkness of the utter, inescapable state of being ALONE.

It has been difficult for me to face the fact that I am just one, I am just me, I am nobody else no matter how much I live through others to make my life seem fulfilling. This means I hold all responsibility of myself, as does everyone of themselves respectively, and that I cannot escape myself anymore.

I am horribly afraid to admit the fact that I am dependent on people and the social relations I have defined “safe”. I fear that when I admit this people will run away screaming. I fear I will be judged and find no support. I fear I will be digging my own grave by admitting my flaws. I fear that by admitting my dependency on people I will lose all contact with people. But this is to pass the responsibility. This is to blame others for possible consequences. If others were to run away, it would be an opportunity for me to learn to be self-supported – not a grave, not the end of the world, not death – even though it would be “the death” of who I used to be.

I feel like I am not enough for myself. I am leaving for this trip and I fear that I will be disappointed with my own company when there is no one familiar there to validate my self-worth. When there is no familiar face to smile at me will I crumble away? If this is the case, who am I then within all my familiar social relations, if not an attention addict begging for others to keep me standing? Who the fuck am I to do that, to beg, to abuse, to wither helpless and whimpering, helpless as a child given up on everything? Who am I to curl up privileged and limp, clogged within my self-interest?

It is weird to write and read these words because I feel like I am looking at a child – and that is who I am, who we all are who have not yet learned to stand nor walk. I am not yet grown. I have posture to find, steps to take, balance to weigh, rhythm to try.

Before I can move myself as a functioning human being I've got to first learn how to stand. I've got to let go of the hands of others, take a breath and make a leap into the darkness of being ALONE. If I fall, I get back up and try again. Eventually I will find the balance, the step, the pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live through relationships of dependency where I have asked for others to carry me through life so that I would never have to face myself, carry myself, move myself, make decisions for myself or take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a cancer cell within the human kind as I have used, abused and consumed other people instead of being a single, individual cell unattached to others and thus functional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed on the “life force” of others – the activeness, self-honesty, uncompromisingness, self-expression and self-directedness I've seen manifested in others – by making my life experience reliant on the presence and company of others and the lives they live, seeing no life for myself without/beyond these people as most of my time and energy is spent on wanting to be with them, fearing to lose them, fantasizing about being with them and, eventually, being with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting having been extremely dependent on others because I have feared facing the shame of revealing myself to myself, this justified with the fear that others will “judge” me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in one of my previous partnerships to manifest dependency by defining the attention, affection and appreciation of another to be the only source of acceptance for me, feeling as if I had been “saved” from loneliness and from the compulsory competition to find a partner, thus within an extended period of time building this relationship into my “nest” and stability point, without which I perceived myself to be unable to live, as if I no longer existed as an individual – all of this from the starting point of not gifting myself with self-acceptance as I believed acceptance had to be found through other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that behind my dependency is the gratification I get from the approval of others – that small moment of joy when another gives me confirmation that my company is enjoyed – because I have not seen myself to be “likable”, “enjoyable”, “nice”, “cool” or any other kind of an acceptable being and believed this experience of being accepted only to be found with/through other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that by telling myself “I am fun to be around!” I will start seeing myself as fun to be around – not realizing that spouting mantras will only cover up the real reasons behind my negative self-definition as they never address the problem and thus never offer a solution – mantras simply repeat the outcome but do not offer the tools to actually get there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will abandon me because I have been unable to comprehend why anyone would want to spend time with me because of my negative self-definition, believing that people spend time with me out of pity and duty or because they plan to hurt/abuse me and not because they actually enjoy my company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my friends to like me for who I am and fear that they will abandon me, thus having to constantly remind myself that “he/she does really like me!” - not realizing this too is a mantra because I do not fully believe these words and try to make them real by repeating them enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a big deal that I am liked, not realizing that it is quite common for people to like each other, and that people liking each other is actually most likely the closest we'll get to a “natural” state of social interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify the fact that another likes me, not realizing that this simply means that we have shed fear from our interaction (or at least most of it) – and that people liking each other is thus not “more” but is actually less as there is less shit inbetween us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how much people appear to like me, not realizing that me being liked has actually nothing to do with me in fact, because when one's company is enjoyed (without dependency/addiction) it is a sign that the interaction is fearless – not that I am something “more” or that my “likability status” has been upgraded, but that the interaction between me and another is developing towards trust – which is not “who I am” per se but the movement of who I am and who the other is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another likes / dislikes me, not realizing this to be an indicator of the amount of fear in the other's starting point and not a statement of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it to be about the other when I like / dislike another, not realizing this to be an indicator of the amount of fear in my starting point.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive my experience of liking another is caused by the other, not realizing that I am creating the experience by allowing myself to interact with the other as myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive my experience of disliking another is caused by the other, not realizing that I am creating the experience by not allowing myself to interact with the other as myself because of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify those whom I have liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those whom I have disliked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be glorified by others as the cause of their experience of liking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others as the cause of their experience of disliking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot take credit for the experience of another no matter how willing they'd be to hand it over to me.

I've come a bit far from what I originally wrote about, but this is really cool – I started to unravel a new point by writing through this anxious experience/emotion I was within and just going with it, pushing myself as I realized a new point was beginning to open up. This has actually been tremendous help.

I commit myself to embrace the moments when I enjoy the company of others – and the company of myself with others! - from the starting point of realizing we are now here without fear and seeing the vast possibilities within such moments.

When and as another expresses that they like / dislike me in direct or indirect communication, I commit myself to remind myself this is nothing personal towards me but more an indicator of who the other is, and that I should not glorify / judge myself according to this because I would then be claiming credit for the experience of another.

I commit myself to flag the moments where I experience myself to like / dislike another and to stop, breathe and look into myself to see if I am passing the blame/credit on the other in order to realize this experience is an indicator of who I am and not who the other is.

I commit myself to investigate and further open up this point of what makes me “likable” and to show myself my company is in fact enjoyable by allowing myself to be in my presence – not by repeating mantras that separate me from myself by not addressing what is here and instead focusing on “what I should be”.