24102013
I have recently been very busy with
studying so I haven't had much time to spare for my daily writing,
and the little time I would have had I have spent with some form of
entertainment in order to “relax” or “unwind”. I have
required “unwinding” because I've been stressed about failing my
tests, and I have added on top of that stress by worrying about this
pause from writing and by being distressed about some personal
matters as well.
I haven't been too worried over any of
this, but now it's turning into intense physical pain that I cannot
ignore. During the weekend a couple of friends massaged my shoulders
(they told me I was really stuck, which I was, but when I was stuck I
was not in pain because I was so “crystallized” into my stance,
like a fucking statue) and ever since I have been in pain constantly.
My back has been in really poor condition because of studying
positions where I have to hunch all the time and now the massage
somehow released some physical points in my shoulders that I have
previously “locked” underneath.
During the past couple of days (since
the massage – thanks, guys, for probing around) I've been
experiencing moments of depression. They stand out to me because I
haven't felt depressed in a long time. They have occurred in moments
where I have felt like I am “left outside” a group or a social
activity, even though none of the moments have been such where I
would have been refused access out of malice, but such where I have
walked away voluntarily because it has been a practical choice.
This shows me how much the social life
that I have built during these couple of months actually means to me:
it has been immensely enjoyable and fun, there's been a sense of
belonging and group spirit, I haven't had to be alone or secluded if
I haven't wanted to. My life hasn't been this happily social yet
independent in years (if ever) and I have simply been enjoying all of
it, taking in the joys of being a social creature.
So now that the “high” is starting
to wear off, I begin to fear losing it all. What if these people will
abandon me? What if they start to resent me? What if I alienate my
friends? What if I will lose all this “happiness”? Thus in
moments of separation the fear is triggered - “what if I will never
have it this good again” - and because my mind is used to such
patterns since childhood, I start thinking of theories to support the
negative outcome / worst-case scenario and I make myself
depressed. In the beginning
everyone has been kind of hyped about these social circles, but now
that things are kinda stabilizing back to “normal” (people return
to living their lives on their own terms, not sacrificing everything
for the social activities) it's like there's a withdrawal that for me
turns into heavy depression. And the answer to that is NOT to hang
out with people more, no, but to look a what all this socializing has
been “fulfilling” in me and what is missing when I'm not
socializing.
Again
(talking to myself), I do NOT mean that being social and having
friends is a “bad” thing. I have made myself believe that
solitude is a “good” thing because I have feared reaching out to
people, and I have even demonized spending time with friends simply
because I have been jealous, sad and depressed for not having that
kind of a stable social environment myself. So what I'm dealing with
here is the addiction and attachment to having company, so that I
could bring myself out of the polarities (refusing all company –
being dependent on company) and utilize the social aspect of life in
a way that supports the well-being of all.
Will continue with SF.
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