Day 402: Back stabbing

19052014

I listened to this speech by Bernard Poolman, and I started thinking if I have accepted and allowed myself to create and maintain relationships that are causing me harm through secret negative thoughts, attitudes and/or emotions. The idea of us “voodooing” each other, jinxing each other with negative backchat, got me to realize that some of my current physical ailments for example may be the result of unraveled baggage in my relationships towards other people, or more precisely, in others wishing me ill. Because I sense these attitudes, whether I allow myself to actually look at them or not, the anticipation and fear itself may be causing me physical tension and pain.

There are specific points in my family relations that I realized I've not handled with these people directly. I'll begin with these close family relations because they're most crucial in how I've been constructed, and thus the source of any other relationship issues I may have.

• father: shame / disagreement / revulsion / disapproval towards me because I have “turned my back on God” - rejection / lack of acceptance
• sister: envy (mutual), competition
• both brothers: dismissing and belittling them, their lives and achievements (for reasons I don't really know yet, I only just realized that I do this)

Concerning my mother I didn't really find anything. Out of my family I have probably had the most open and communicative relationship with my mother, and this may have made way for cleansing whatever tension there has been between us (because there has been some, if not plenty).

The physical ailments I am referring to here are mainly my shoulder/neck tension issues, which have become chronic during the past few years. I am not sure about the origin point of this specific issue, but from some memories I can gather that 2011, when I was made to realize there was an issue in the first place, I had already been stuck for a while, meaning some years probably. I have recently placed my focus on this specific issue and tried if regular exercise would help with it, but so far I've only seen it to alleviate the symptoms for a little while with the problem itself persisting. Occasionally the pain/tension has been “magically” lifted under completely random circumstances I have not found a pattern out of, but it has always returned. I have considered contacting physiotherapists and other kinds of medical assistance for perspective on this issue, but I haven't done so yet due to lack of time and funding.

When listening to Bernard's metaphor about “back stabbing” it kinda got to me, because my issue is specifically in the back – I can literally feel the stabs, lol – and now that I think of it, the word and concept of “back stabbing” is one that I have used a lot to describe my experiences with abandonment and rejection. Whoa, OK, so this might in fact have more to do with the bullying theme I talked about in my last post than with my family relations.

When I was around 10 years old my school friends all turned their backs on me and refused to have anything to do with me. Because I did not understand why they did this, I later on dubbed their actions as “back stabbing”, doing something hurtful unexpected and unexplained. I then went through experiences that were almost identical when I was 12, 15, 18 and 20: a group of friends suddenly expressed their disapproval towards me, either directly or passive-aggressively, and I responded with whatever coping mechanisms I had available, from aggressive dismissal to submissive withdrawal. I remember that each of these times the rejection came unexpected, even though as time went on I learned to distrust people all the more and to expect the worst. For some reason I still never thought or believed that these people I called my friends would do something so cruel. Now that I think of this pattern and how obvious it is in hindsight, I appear to have been totally blind to the reality of those relationships: to who the others have actually been in relation to me, to how and why our relationships have been formed – to the fact that they were bound to fall apart because of how we lived them out.

It is this attention to relationship forming and the effort to see people (including myself) as they really are that I think have changed my relationships the most and actually broken the cycle I used to repeat every few years. At the moment I think I am building relationships based on more solid ground than ever, prioritizing communication, honesty and self-reflection. So why does my back still feel as if I am being stabbed? Am I afraid of it all starting over again?

I have begun the healing and forgiving process to let go of any bitterness or spite left from these past events, but partially because I have not managed to open lines of communication with some of the key people from the past I am not yet done with this. I fear (or know, or sense) that with specific people there are negative thoughts being harbored towards me, and because people never speak them, never express them, always keep them hidden from daylight, it is difficult for me to transcend what happened and “clear the air” all by myself. It's as if some of the old “stab wounds” are still infected and refuse to heal, and this might be a part of the cause of the persisting physical pain.

Especially with the tension my shoulders tend to stiffen as if they were becoming crystallized, if not constantly opened with exercise or massage – which is when they usually just flame with pain before stiffening again - and this crystallization seems to speak of old wounds being locked in and integrated into my being. I do not wish for this to happen, and I think that I still have a chance to sort myself out before I become a living manifestation of spite, resentment, bitterness, anticipation, distrust and fear.

So what I guess I could do is go through the unresolved relationships (as well as those that appear resolved) in specific detail, mapping out what exactly I fear with each one, how I experienced them, what I desired from them, what it is that is still weighing on me. How do I believe them to perceive me? How would I wish to be perceived? Who are/were they to me, and who am/was I to them? What were the relationships based on? Why did we attract each other? What secrets did we have from each other that tore us apart?

Cool, I'll continue with this mapping. It's cool to know what I'll be writing about next, makes the treshold of writing a bit easier to cross.

Days 381-383: Efficiency - self-judgement, punishment and sacrifice - part 1

19-21012014

A point that I would like to open up in writing is that of efficiency. I have a strong urge to strive for efficiency in various contexts, and when I look at myself in self-honesty I see that this need to be efficient – to achieve, to gain, to get somewhere, to accomplish, to not waste time – is the prime reason for why I am often so stressed, discontent and harsh on myself. I am not sure where this drive for efficiency has begun, although I have a hunch, so let's look at how “efficiency” has manifested in my life thus far.

When I look at my childhood the first instances where I have become stressed with time have been:

• when I have been playing / having fun and an adult comes and tells me that it's time to quit (because we're going home, because it's time to sleep - because there is something that I'm told is “more important”);
• when I had several hobbies as a child and became stressed because I felt like I didn't have enough leisure time:
• when the summer holidays seemed to never last long enough;
• when the school days felt too long (junior high onwards)

I was not a top student at school. My grades were mostly mediocre, but I excelled in some subjects that I was interested or already skilled in. I didn't have to study much until I got to high school where I had to read a lot to pass the courses. I have not been a passionate student until now that I have a better understanding of why I study and what the information can actually be used for.

Looking at my childhood and teenage years, it seems that I was actually pretty lazy. My parents didn't require me to be involved in housework and so I wasn't until my late teens. I used to take good care of my room, but as I fell deeper into an emotional slump in my teens I just stopped cleaning up completely. My room was an awful mess, a dark cave of dust and trash – a representation of the mental state I was in. This state of being continued for years even after I left home and started living on my own – actually, now that I think of it, it wasn't until I moved into this apartment 2 years ago that I made a pledge to keep my living area clean and livable and stuck to that decision for real.

All in all, I have not been that worried about getting stuff done or excelling in anything. I haven't really had a reason to. For the years that I have been floating around and trying to figure out what to do there has been an anxiety about the “clock ticking” - that I “should” be doing something, “should” be getting somewhere. And every time I have tried and failed I have become more depressed, more anxious and more desperate to succeed.

• The only things I have tried to excel in have been singing and acting. This is because I noticed that compared to others I was more skilled, which brought me to the conclusion that these are the things I “must do” - the path I was “destined” to take – but as I got into the competition to be on the top for real I gave up soon because I only saw my shortcomings but not how to practice to become better. I thought I sucked and wasn't good enough after all, which made me feel like I was no good at anything.

The ideal of “getting somewhere” has probably been developed as I have watched the people around me “succeed”. My peers from school have mostly advanced on the career path, some of them already graduated and working; my sister has gained notable positions in her work and other tokens of “success”; and I have felt more and more worthless comparing myself to other people. While focusing on the ideal of “what life should be” I have forgotten that life is not in big achievements but IN BREATH – that life lived HERE without achievements is more worthwhile than life with achievements without awareness of what life really is.

My drive for efficiency comes partially from trying to make up for all the years I perceive to have “gone to waste”, and partially from my increasing panic about the state of the world: “something needs to be done”.

Now, as I try to prove my worth by “not wasting time” I am doing it to an invisible audience of sorts, when in fact what it really is is self-judgement. By being efficient and “getting stuff done” I try to find validation from my environment so that I could stop judging myself for a while (this never lasts). The “something needs to be done” -point is also related to this, as I perceive that by “doing something” for the world I can buy myself validation from specific peer groups. So when I am efficient I find myself worthwhile, worth keeping myself alive, worth not hating.

How cruel can I be?

Me trying to make up for my past is in a way reasonable and in a way insane. The past is no longer here; it cannot be changed no matter how much I'd believe in karma and think that my current actions somehow outweigh my past actions. They do not. The consequences of the actions of the past carry out to this day as they ripple through time, and what I can do about the past is see what could be done to those consequences as they manifest NOW. I can face the ripples here, but the past cannot be changed or amended. I'd find it more advisable to focus on what kind of ripples I am creating right now into the future.

In a way it seems as if I was punishing myself. This has been a common theme in my life. Why do I find myself worthy of punishment? Why do I deserve suffering?

--

Alright, continuing on what I wrote last night.

It seems that I am looking at a deep-rooted pattern of self-judgement. There have been some specific major events and influences in my life that have contributed to this (man, I need to start making a timeline of my life to have clarity over this):

• early childhood: learning self-judgement and self-belittlement by observing my parents
• society: learning to fear that authorities would judge me and punish me (parents, teachers)
• primary school: friends turning against me and openly judging / mocking me
• family life: comparison to family members made me feel “less”
• junior high school: not succeeding in the increasing social games; ideals vs. my self-image

By the time I got to high school I was already completely fucked up, but there were some major events later that I used to lash out on myself even more:

• dropping out of polytechnic at the age of 18

• at the age of 19 the collapse of a long-term relationship
• applying to schools for 5 years without getting in
• fucking up all prospective relationships

But during these later events I was simply utilizing the patterns I had already solidified earlier.

I will now have a look at each one of these points specifically.

1. Early childhood: learning self-judgement and self-belittlement by observing my parents

Both my parents had learned to be harsh on themselves due to the circumstances they grew up in. My mother learned to belittle her own skills and capacity, and she would sometimes refer to herself as “too dumb” to do something. She never wanted to “make a number” of herself and would make an effort to be pleasing and likable to others. My father learned to feel guilty for not knowing something, so instead of admitting to not knowing he would lie that he did, presenting an image of omnipotence. He worked so much that he compromised his health and family relations, and he overworked himself because he believed it was justified to sacrifice his well-being to support his children. Because he was responsible for the lives of four children, he judged his life to matter “less”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn that whenever I make a mistake the appropriate response is to blame and judge myself, as I had not realized that mistakes are an inevitable part of learning and thus not in fact a negative thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn that when a person is not skilled at something the appropriate measure is to avoid doing these things, always get somebody else to do them and to not practice these skills because of a belief that one is “unable” to learn them, as I had not realized that no skill is inherent (even though genetics may support some traits) and that almost any skill can be learned by anyone through coherent and consistent practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to learn that I can avoid the things I am uncomfortable doing by defining myself “unable” to do them, as I had not realized that the discomfort is an indicator of something new I can learn and that discomfort is therefore not a negative thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn that when one meets other people one should be nervous (not breathing, tense, restless), hide the nervousness with smiling and laughing a lot and alter one's behavior to making constant compromises on oneself to try and keep the others in a good mood, as I had not realized that having other people around so that I can see myself better through feedback is in fact a good thing because then I will learn to know myself better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn that when there are other people around I should try to not gather attention as every time I would have attention upon me I would get nervous and repeat the pattern described above, thus trying to remain “invisible” by not making noise or creating movement and getting angry at myself whenever I was unable to restrain myself and accidentally gathered attention.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my mother and learn who I should be in relation to other people: submissive, apologetic, “less than” others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when asked a question a person should always give an answer even if they didn't know what they were talking about, as I had not realized that relaying misinformation may have serious consequences and that it's better to give no information at all than to give misinformation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when a person is asked to do something they should never decline, at least not directly, as I had not realized that it is best for all to decline in self-honesty rather than to try and do too much and fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to learn that if people request something of me I am obligated to fulfill their requests, not realizing that I cannot help everyone as I am only one human being with limited resources.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when somebody asks me a question I should become tense.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when somebody asks me to do something I should get angry at the other, remember I'm obligated to help, suppress the anger with a sigh, become tense and tired and not decline the request directly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to look at my father and learn that when a person is responsible for many things it is OK to sacrifice one's own well-being.

Continuing tomorrow.

Day 366: Reconstructing femininity - softness as a strength

09122013

I've had issues with femininity for as long as I can remember. I have gathered from photographs that as a small child I enjoyed dressing up in princess costumes mainly under the influence of my sister, but this phase passed by the time I went to school. I wore very practical clothing, I valued intelligence, I resented girly pastimes like gossiping, I didn't like the way girls interacted with each other (mainly because I was bullied – I never saw the positive side of femininity).

This point comes down to my mother and her mother (and possibly all the women down the line). My mother's mother married man who – possibly under the influence of war – became violent, aggressive and unpredictable. This is seen in my mother, who has always been meek, compliant, vulnerable and emotional. Her emotionality has been introverted, collapsing inwards and occasionally exploding outwards, as if she has been afraid of letting her emotions show. She has trouble standing up to people (including herself) and looks for fault in herself. When my parents broke up a few years ago, she had immense trouble facing my father and discussing the matter. Looking at her life, she appears to have preferred men who show a clear male dominance which she can submit to. She has little belief in her own skills and talents and needs a lot of encouraging.

Now, keep in mind that my description of my mother is the way I perceive her. She might describe the same things completely differently. The point of me describing her is to map out who I am, who I have been, where I have grown up, what burden of the past I perceive myself to carry – and what points exactly I am working on and why. All of what I described of her above are the qualities I adopted from her while growing up under her influence; what happened as I see it.

My mother was also a prime example of the positive sides of femininity – caring, compassion, support, communication – but they were overshadowed by the negative, at least for me. My sister has told me she always appreciated our mother's example and she grew up to be prominently feminine, so we have experienced her and taken influence from her differently, probably because we were born 9 years apart. I am guessing her self-suppression had accumulated and developed by the time I was born.

So, many issues have spawned from this. I have been insecure, introverted and extremely fearful. I have developed a fear of men, which has had far-stemming consequences, such as a physical inability to have sex, which I have worked on consciously for some years now. (I recently realized that this manifestation in the flesh may come from really far: for all I know my mother herself could have been conceived as a result of violent sex, knowing the character of her father.) My fear of men has developed into hatred and bitterness. I have been very shy around people. I have been constantly concerned about being accepted by others, because I had no sense of self-worth without external validation. I have been largely unable to communicate because I have had a paralyzing fear of being exposed and judged. Paralysis, all in all, is what it has been: an all-encompassing state of tension.

The reason I am writing about this (again) is because I am getting closer to, well, how to call it, a “breakthrough” of sorts. Through practical application I have been able to approach and interact with men who trigger the fear of men in me through their somehow apparent “masculinity” - a profound “maleness” in some part of their presence and/or expression. I have previously had a panicky need to protect myself from masculine expression by becoming masculine myself, be it through speech, movement, behavior or tone of discussion, or simply by distancing myself or completely escaping from the person. I am starting to reach a point where I can locate my breathing in the middle of this reaction, thus stopping my defense mechanisms, and where I can begin to explore how to “take in” masculinity – how to be the feminine counterpart – how to let go, give in, submit. To use sex as a metaphor, I once read somewhere that whereas masculinity is about pushing in and penetrating, femininity is to wrap oneself around the penetrator. It is this duality between hardness and softness that I am fascinated by, because I have never learned how to be soft. To survive in a male-dominated world I have hardened myself, metaphorically and literally.

I am glad that I have now had opportunities to investigate this point in action – although it's not surprising at all, as we summon that which we are ready for. I am dancing around the edges of my comfort zone and it is exhilarating and nerve-wrecking a the same time, lol. I think self-forgiveness on the topic would support me with the practical application, so that's what I'll do next.

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

28092013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1



Today I focused on writing privately about specific people and interesting stuff emerged. I was losing concentration on studying because these people kept on popping up in my thoughts. I will share some of the SF with names censored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justifiable to have a “goal” in mind when interacting with another person, not realizing that my justification is “because it would feel nice”, which is my desire talking: the desire would be fulfilled (I would “feel nice”) when the goal would be reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place X into a “special” position where he is allowed to occupy my mind on an obsessive level – not realizing it's not even X himself in my mind but my image presentation of X, the paper doll I play around with in my scenarios – and that the real X here in the 3D I cannot predict because he is his own individual being who makes his own choices – which is why our interaction is created in the flesh and not within my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it is justifiable to be mentally occupied by thinking of another person because there is an attraction and it is “natural” to be obsessed – not realizing that this mind-wankery amounts to nothing at all as the real interaction with this person is not created in the mind but in the physical when and as it is here and not a moment before.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient to explore my relationship to X because he is not here right now, and to thus resort to playing around with the mind-puppets by replaying past moments in my head again and again – not asking myself where this impatience comes from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient to interact with a person I feel attracted towards, not realizing that impatience is wanting to be “there” already – to be in a future moment – not realizing that when I want to be in the future I neglect the present moment, which is all there actually is, the only thing that verifiably exists.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my present moment into the future because in the future there is something “exciting” which makes my present moment seem “less” in comparison – not realizing that the “more” in the future is actually excitement energy and nothing that would concretely make that moment more full of opportunities or such – and that the present moment is actually just “as good” as the future moment, but that they're just different in the opportunities they provide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the future I am impatient to live within is “better” than the present moment I live within right now because the future moment contains energy whereas the present moment doesn't.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a moment that contains high amounts of energy is just that – a moment with energy – and that measured in breath that moment is equal to all the other moments of my life.

When and as I get impatient to be in a future moment already, I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am disregarding the present moment by longing for the future. I breathe and I remind myself that measured in breath each and every moment of my life is equal, and that the future I crave for is equal to the present moment I am breathing in. I ask myself what makes the future moment appear “better” and I utilize self-forgiveness to release the energy in question. I then look at my present moment from within and as breath and I move myself according to what is here now, and I release the future to be lived when and as it is actually HERE.

All of the above also applies to wanting to return to a past moment and replaying the past moment in the mind to re-live the energy one experienced. It's always away from HERE, be it in the past or the future.

I'll continue again tomorrow.

Day 306: How dare you!

02092013

Lately I've been going through the point of reacting with anger to seeing injustice, ignorance or some form of wrong-doing. This point arose when I encountered a homeless man on the street and reacted to the behavior of the other people that were present. A friend gave me some perspective on what happens within that moment of reaction and I found it really helpful.

Just now I faced this point again within a different context, and because it happened to fit this topic precisely I figured I might as well just write it out immediately. Quite cool, huh!

Me and the other administrators at our theatre have been trying to arrange a meeting with one of the city officials to negotiate the terms under which we operate in the facilities we are using. For some years now there has been an ongoing passive-aggressive conflict between this specific city official and the chairman of our theatre group. Our chairman has spoken of this official with heavily emotional words due to her frustration, and while I have tried to keep a neutral position to this person and this mess we are trying to solve – because I simply do not know enough of it and have never even met this official - some of our chairman's words have gotten to me and I have in fact adopted some of her negativity. The “evidence” for her claims has been “convincing” enough for me to believe her interpretation of the situation.

I noticed this just now when I was checking on the details of the meeting we had agreed for tomorrow and found out that the official had to cancel the meeting and now suggested another date and time. I reacted by saying: “I knew it!” This meaning that I had already assumed this official to be disrespectful and inconsiderate towards us based on what I have seen and heard of her actions and attitude so far. There's six of us trying to fit our schedules with hers, and she won't even let us know until we call her the last minute?! That's fucking rude!

But I realized while I was huffing and puffing and swearing in my anger that I was doing it again: I already had an image / assumption about who this city official is based on what I have heard of her in the past; I was interpreting the happenings according to my image/assumption of her; I reacted according to my interpretation; I found my reaction justified; and thus, I held onto my reaction and just wanted to express my anger instead of finding a solution to what I perceived to be “wrong”/unjust (another being inconsiderate).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an image into my mind of a person I have never even interacted with based on what other people have told me about her and my following interpretations of what her influence might have been on actual events/happenings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the justifications others have given for their emotional reactions towards this person, accepting and allowing them to react and be emotional as I have believed that it is enough if I do not react – not realizing that if there's even one person within the group who is allowed to remain angry it will influence the entire group unless we're all stable – which we are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret each new “story” I have heard of this person throughout the years according to what I have heard of her in the past, remembering the anger of others, believing and perceiving that I'm looking at a chain of unjust events when in fact I do not know what actually happened in the past, nor what happened in the present; I do not know who this person is and the consistent anger of others is not “evidence” of this person's unjust nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by another's consistent anger/negativity/frustration by creating a belief that her anger is justified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though what I see here may actually have been a chain of unjust events, the reactions these events have triggered in others are still not justifiable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not know why this person canceled the meeting – there's a million reasons why one would have to cancel an appointment at the last minute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this person canceled the meeting out of ill will, spite and malice based who I believe her to be – who she is as an image in my mind – not realizing that I have seen no actual indication of ill will, spite or malice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that second-hand information is never fully reliable no matter how much I would like to trust its source.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further amplify my reaction of anger by thinking “I am very busy – I went through all this trouble to fit this into my schedule – it will be SO HARD to arrange another appointment – AAAAAA that's so fucking rude of her!” - blaming my own hardship* of arranging a schedule on another.

* A heaviness which I create myself and which doesn't actually exist in the physical reality outside of my conceptual reality.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified to blame a person I have defined as “disrespectful”, “unjust” and “ignorant” (blame-worthy) for my self-created hardship.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that arranging a schedule is difficult, burdensome, hard and demanding and that it is a “big” task – not realizing that people's lives constantly flow and fluctuate and change and that schedules must follow this nature of living – and that arranging a schedule is thus nothing but taking the building blocks of your life and putting them in an order that works best for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a schedule that seems to work best for me, not taking into consideration that when there are other people involved I must find an arrangement that works best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I heard about the meeting being canceled because I assumed the meeting to have been canceled out of malice, not realizing that my interpretation of what's happening is not based on facts gathered NOW, in the present moment, but on images, stories and memories from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is unfair and untrue to evaluate a person based on stories and memories from the past, as I then do not take into consideration who that person is NOW – and that NOW is all that actually matters in time and space as Life is but an ongoing NOW-moment; the past and present do not exist anymore/yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know who a person is even though I have never interacted with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this person a chance to show me who she is; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a chance to see who this person is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reaction of anger by thinking “she is doing wrong” - not realizing that if she indeed is doing something that is not best for all, getting angry about it is not going to change anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what I can do to find a solution for a situation where a lot of people are trying to fit their schedules together and instead lock myself into anger and blame one of these people for “making it difficult” - not realizing that if I experience arranging (this) appointment a “burden” it is my creation and thus my responsibility.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to be aware of the “baggage” of negativity that I have adopted from others concerning her; and I commit myself to look at who she actually is, allowing no bullshit (assumptions, filters, guesswork, hostility, negativity) from myself.

I commit myself to check myself for any want/need/desire to be "above" this person as this approach through arrogance is nothing but a defense mechanism.

I commit myself to ask myself why I fear this person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person based on the stories I have heard of her, not realizing that if she were in fact to abuse her position of authority and power as the stories tell, it would simply mean the end of our theatre as it is at the moment - not the end of the world, that is - and that even that moment of destruction would have many opportunities and open doors.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to stop, breathe and stabilize myself into my physical body. I will engage in eye contact with her and if possible, seek for a physical connection point as well (i.e. handshake). I will expect nothing but the best of her and I will allow her to unravel as she will. I will live as an example by being self-honest, expressive and kind, yet allowing no bullshit from her or anyone else.

I commit myself to seek an understanding of this person as one with and equal to me by placing myself "in her shoes".

--

On a more general scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I see something I perceive and believe to be “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” - within this reaction stating “this is not what I want MY world to be!” - thus manifesting my helplessness, worry and distress through anger, blaming another for “making” my world a bad place, not realizing that the actual cause of a human being acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” is not in the individual alone but in all of society, in all its participants and its structures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I see another acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong”, blaming the other for ruining my reality, not realizing that who the other is within their “unjust”/”ignorant”/”wrong” expression is a manifestation of what the society and the world is – and thus also an expression of who I am, as I am a part of this society/world.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is not “the other” who is ruining my reality but all of us combined, and that it is our responsiblity to assist and support each other to correct what we can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for their mistakes instead of supporting and assisting them to see their mistake and correct their behavior - and/or everyone making the same mistake by studying and addressing the actual cause of the misbehavior and living as an example of self-direction.

I commit myself to study the world I live in - my world! our world! - in order to see, realize and understand the reasons behind the current manifestations of injustice and ignorance so that I may be able to contribute to the solution to these issues.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger to an act of injustice or ignorance - I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am passing the blame for what the world is at the moment onto another person, when in fact we are all responsible for such manifestations of a dysfunctional world. I breathe and I check myself for similar behavior: would I act in a similar way and why? I remind myself that I do not know the exact reasons behind this particular act other than it most likely being connected to fear on some level. I realize that my anger is not justified, and I remind myself that acting through anger will only serve my ego, as I would be trying to enforce "correct behavior" to make my world appear "OK" again. I let go of my anger with self-forgiveness and breathing*. When and as my anger has dissolved I have another look at the situation to see what actually happened - not what I believe to have happened - and I continue with the situation according to common sense, self-honesty and what is best for all.

*If I fail at letting go of the anger in the moment of breath, I commit myself to continue writing about this point until it is done.

Day 295: Singing to succeed

21082013

A few days ago I was a judge in a children's singing contest. It was a semifinal and we had to select a few children who would not be continuing to the final round which is held this weekend. After the contest a father approached me and another judge, telling us that his daughter had been dropped from the final and asking for specific feedback on what his daughter could improve; why exactly did she not make it?

I went through my notes and remembered this girl having been the least developed singer of the bunch, mainly because her singing was really forced and violent. I explained to the father the technical issues and basically told him that the girl needs to relax, and that she has to be given time to develop, because the voice of a child goes through a huge maturing process simply through the growth of the physical body. The judge I was with also gave her point of view which followed along the same lines as my feedback.

As I observed the father I noticed a huge tension in him. He told us how disappointed the girl is, because she has been in many contests never succeeding. I could see him anxious for his child's happiness and success, and the way he was doing it out of fear was pulling him, straining him; the feedback we gave was difficult for him to take because there was no comfort there; there was no quick fix to the child's “issue”, the boulder keeping her from happiness – what she believes she needs to be happy. I don't know how he broke it down to the child, but I hope he got my point about relaxing about it.

This got me thinking about my own childhood. I was taken to numerous singing contests ever since the age 6. I won the very first contest I attended, and ever since then I went to more and more contests in search of more success. I enjoyed the contests because it usually meant I could learn new songs and perform in front of people, and we usually also took a trip somewhere special so that I could attend the contest. It was a good way to motivate me to practice singing and performing and I learned a lot through it.

But there was also a negative side to it. My mother really wanted me to go to these contests because otherwise my “talent” would “go to waste”. She perceived and believed success in music to be measured by exposure, fame, awards and recordings, and I don't blame her because that's the limited way our culture defines music. She wanted me to have all the chances to express and explore myself that she didn't have growing up in a really poor family. Her enthusiasm topped mine, and eventually the contests became a strain to me, I felt like I was forced to do things, I felt disappointed when I didn't win (I rarely did), I felt like I was being forced into a mold that I didn't want to fit in. So in my teens I told my mother I didn't want to do it anymore and so she stopped pushing me, although expressing her great regret about it.

When I return to thinking about that very first contest I attended and won, I realize it has been a turning point, a defining moment. I was a very small girl and I have very vague memories of that situation. I can't remember the moment I got up on the stage and sang, but I do remember the moment the results were announced, I was declared winner and my family told me to get up and get my trophy. What I remember of this moment is noticing my family's agitation. All of my family, my parents and my three siblings, were with me (a rare occasion), and I remember my sister, my idol and anchor, was sitting next to me. I didn't really understand what the announcers were saying, but I remember they announced the results so that my family could guess that I was the winner before anyone said it because I was the only one left without a reward. I remember this wave of excitement coming from my family sitting on my left side, them being all “oh my god did she?” “can it be?” “oh wow you won!”, surprised and overjoyed and excited for me. I didn't understand what “winning” meant, but from my family's reaction I gathered that I had done something positive, I had succeeded. I walked down to the stage to be awarded, and the judges handed me a huge, heavy trophy, making a joke that I might not be able to lift it (I was tiny) and everyone in the audience laughing in approval of my adorable victory.

I see that the reaction of my family defined the moment for me, because their emotional response was overflowing, it was really “big” for me. Their joy represented acceptance, ultimate acceptance, and topped with the huge trophy the moment was somehow “crowned”. In order to get that ultimate acceptance I would have to succeed in the same way. This is where I started to define myself according to my singing: it was my strength, my asset, and I would have to be the best to remain accepted in the eyes of others. The fact that the victory is the only thing I remember of the contest is revealing, because my memory has selected not to remember the singing - the moment of expression - at all. All my memory selected is the moment of positive reinforcement.

So most of my life (ever since the age 6) I have been in search of that ultimate acceptance, which I believed to be found in other people, in my success, and not from within myself. This is probably one of the reasons why I react to disapproval / rejection / failure so strongly. I am afraid that when I express myself I will not be accepted – that I will be rejected as I was so many times in all those singing contests. Of course my history in being bullied in school also has a part to play, but I see that the bullying and the search for approval in contests are interlinked: they are my childhood, who I was back then. Through writing I am slowly piecing together my past so that my childhood/adolescence would make sense to me – that I would see the big picture – and every time I actually go through a specific memory like I did above I see the big picture getting a little bit clearer. I have been postponing going through a lot of things in my past but now I see I can no longer do that. I want to understand who I am now and why I keep messing shit up (there is one major underlying issue I haven't gotten hold of yet), and the way there goes through my past. Thus:

I commit myself to write about a memory from my past every day from now on until I am done with my past.

• I may write about the memory in my blog
• I may write about the memory separately from my blog posts
• I choose whichever memory seems to be “on the surface”
• I will have a specific notebook with me so that I will be able to do this anywhere

I commit myself to this challenge and project within and as the realization that the key to who I am now lies in my past in all the moments that have led up to this moment as everything I am now has accumulated over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing to this project because it appears long, time-consuming and, as my thoughts put it, “daunting” - not realizing that my past is not infinite and that eventually I will have gone through all of it, as long as I do it consistently: a little at a time at regular intervals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this commitment because I believe and perceive it is “too much” for me in addition to writing a blog, attending the DIP Lite course AND studying and working and living a life – not realizing that I have already committed to the Journey To Life project, where I will write a blog for seven fucking years, and that an additional project of opening a memory each day is not much compared to or in addition to that – and they might actually contribute to each other!

I commit myself to embrace this new challenge within and as the realization that it is what is best for me and thus also what is best for all.

Days 259-260: Falling from the present

18-19062013

Head full of thoughts. (a graffiti in Seoul)

I have been unable to sleep for a few nights and I am seeing its effect on my health, because I have been catching a cold and not getting sleep is making it worse. The reason I have not been sleeping is because I have had too many thoughts running through my mind. At the moment I have a lot of new things to process, and they hold many insecurity factors that make it impossible for me to lay them aside when there is nothing I can do about them but wait. I have today been writing them out in order to see what's going on and to thus stop them from running around rampantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted from the reality around me with thoughts concerning the past and the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my grip on what is here right now at hand by giving permission to my thoughts to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my thoughts about the past and the future more than what is here right now in actual reality as I have not realized that the past and the future are both created in this very moment of breath, and that by clinging onto moments that are not here (yet/anymore) I ignore, misuse and degrade the one and only present-moment that I have got.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every time I lose myself into thoughts I also fall out of breath and thus lock my entire body into a state of tension, rigidness and stagnation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the extent of the physical damage I do onto myself when and as I accept and allow myself to be directed by my thoughts into a physical state of tension.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have been lost in my thoughts and ignoring the present moment, to not be aware of the possibilities each and every present moment offers me in terms of activities, socializing and physical location.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so concerned/exited/agitated about the life I have lived so far and the life that I am going to live in the future that I have forgotten that what actually matters is how I live my present moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the company of people when and as I have been preoccupied by thoughts of the past and the future and to justify this by thinking “I don't always have to be social” - not realizing that my resentment of company is a way for me to escape the present moment / physical reality into imagined mind-realities of the past and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my physical reality into my imagination in the form of past memories and future scenarios.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that me pulling away from social interaction - which is normally an effortless and enjoyable activity - is a sign of a malfunction which should be addressed for the sake of my own well-being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify ignoring the signs of my malfunction by thinking “I don't always have to be social”, not realizing that I here give directive power and value to fickle feelings that do not have any clear reason other than “just because I feel like it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by a feeling, not realizing that feelings are always temporary and fade eventually and that thus they cannot be a valid building block in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every action and inaction builds who I am, and that every time I accept and allow a feeling to direct me into action/inaction I build myself to live out moodiness and unreliability and direct myself further away from stability – and that the results of this process of building will take double the time to take apart and reconstruct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in escapism and to thus lose my power to direct myself, my actions and my life.

I am starting to see what may have happened while I've been traveling and why I for example had trouble writing at one point – I saw it then already but wouldn't admit it. I will open up the point further in private and share what I find later on.

I commit myself to continue practicing my breathing in order to bring myself back to balance and stability within and as the realization that once I have fallen from self-aware breathing it will require conscious efforts and pushing to bring me back to that state of physical presence.

I commit myself to write down into my notebook the thoughts running around in my mind in order to pin them down, open them up in writing and to direct them instead of having them direct me – putting myself back “in the wheel”.

I commit myself to write down a clear plan on what I can do to prepare for things in my future and to get those things done as soon as possible – and I commit myself to set aside all the things I have no influence over at the moment within and as the realization that worrying about them is a waste of time and an act of abuse on this one and only now-moment.