Day 388: Feeling like a loser – a “good student” dilemma

19022014

I had worked really hard for an essay I wrote for a university course, and when we got the grades yesterday and my grade for the essay was much worse than I had expected, I ended up really disappointed. I read through the feedback my teacher had given me and thought that she had judged me unfairly, giving me a “poor grade” on shaky terms even though she recognized my essay was well-written. I ended up being really furious, frustrated and angry, and I even thought of sending the teacher an email to “explain myself”, but I realized I would only compromise my future grades on the course by acting out of aggression and also justify my reaction to myself by acting upon it. I released some fumes, let some time pass and talked about it with some people.

I realized I was blaming my disappointment in myself on my teacher, which is absurd as my self-judgement has nothing to do with her or anyone else in particular. What I am facing here is a major self-definition that I learned during my basic schooling.

In school I was a “good student”. I learned things pretty fast, I was slightly above average in most subjects and excelled in some. At first I didn't think much of this. Later on I started noticing how this gave me a “special position” in the eyes of teachers – how they would look at me, talk to me and treat me with appreciation, admiration and acceptance – and especially when I started to get bullied and questioned my self-worth, my skills in schoolwork (and other things I was skilled at) became what I gave myself worth through. In other words, I wanted to do good in school because then I would find acceptance in my surroundings – if not from my peers, then from my authorities.

Where I went wrong with this assignment was when I felt good after finishing the essay. I had gone through an extensive research and writing period and managed to put together a comprehensive essay with a point of view I found interesting. When I finally got it done, I felt good because I had learned a lot about writing scientific essays and the topic I was writing about. However, I misinterpreted this feelgood. This feeling of “yes, I got it done” has usually to me been an indicator of a good grade: when I have felt satisfied with the result, so have others. In this case the situation was different: even though what I had done was good, it wasn't what the teacher had requested (in which case I still think the assignment was then instructed unclearly – it can't have all been just me being careless or “not getting it”). This is where I collide with the workings of university, which are not always fair and rewarding when one has worked hard, because there are other requirements to meet as well, depending on whoever happens to be the evaluating authority. It all functions around arbitrary rules given by whomever is in charge, and to be able to “play the game” of university – to get the credentials available – one needs to learn an authority's preferences and expectations.

This is of course not how I would have it. I would rather have disposed of the entire grading system on all levels of education. But this is the system I am within at the moment, and I need to learn how to work my way through it.

This is why I need to walk through my self-definition as a “good student”, because it contains the idea that I am only worth something when I rub others the right way. It causes me to be merciless towards myself and others, to justify my place at the top of the hierarchy, to distort the meaning of learning, and to distract me from why I am in university at all. In short, I lose my grip of the big picture.

Having this process running for a day now has lead to side-effects of powerlessness, loss of motivation (for schoolwork) and waves of self-judgement (when doing recreational activities). It is interesting to see how a single point of origin – the moment when I read the teacher's feedback – can affect my entire state of being for endless spans of time unless I stop and unravel it myself.

I will continue from here with self-forgiveness tomorrow.

Days 247-248: SF on "doing nothing"

3105-01062013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my current living to the way I lived in my previous circumstances, perceiving and believing myself to be “doing nothing” as compared to what I have done before, not realizing that my past and my present are not comparable because I am not the same person now that I was in the past, which makes the most favourable course of action / way of living subject to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the way I have lived my life in my previous circumstances because my previous way of living has made me feel like I'm “doing enough” or “doing my best”, not realizing that my past way of living has been largely self-compromise in terms of what I have been doing and how, and that it has been motivated by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have felt that I have been “doing enough” only when I have compromised my well-being, in other words, when I have accepted and allowed my fear of failure to consume me to a point where I have worked at the expense of every other aspect of my life, not realizing that this way of living is not sustainable as I seek for stability in an ideal that cannot be achieved – and that my feeling of “having done enough” has thus been based on self-deception and cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the worth of my life is determined by the deeds I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not the deeds I do but the motivation that moves me to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my return to my previous living circumstances according to who I was before I left, not giving myself the chance to even consider reconstructing myself and my life based on who I become as I travel and find a new perspective on what I have been doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal scenario of my return, where I would come back to my previous responsibilities and duties as an “enlightened” being who would then live out my previous circumstances “perfectly” without making mistakes – not realizing that here I deny myself the chance to reconstruct myself and my life as I hold on to what's familiar and comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to re-live my past circumstances by repeating the same things over and over again because I have not forgiven myself for my mistakes and would like to live a “perfect” life – not realizing that as I hold onto the past I ignore the present, and that life is too short to re-live every past moment into a flawless one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow attached to my living circumstances so that I had to relocate myself to the other side of the globe to be able to de-attach myself from them and question them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the possibilities of life as I have grown attached to my routines, lifestyle and worldview.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow attached to my routines, lifestyle and worldview because they have brought me a sense of stability and comfort.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe it to be “worthless” to travel and not work while traveling, naming this “doing nothing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not working when I travel because I perceive and believe only “real work” to contribute anything to the society, not realizing that as I travel I gift myself with time and opportunities to study, learn and focus on self-reflection – all things that will assist and support me to “give back” to the society as they change who I am within my actions which affects the outcome of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that only working on something concrete, long-term and instantly visible contributes to the society, not realizing that a lot of “invisible” work is to be done before I am able to see what the best course of action would be and who I need to be within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for focusing on myself as I have perceived and believed this to be “selfish”, not realizing that if I do not focus on working on myself I will remain as a fuck-up and would only damage the reality around me as a consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe it to be a “waste of time” to focus on myself when a lot of problems wait to be solved, not realizing that I cannot contribute to the solution of these problems when I am still a part of the “disease” that causes and upholds the problems in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is necessary to take time for myself to sort myself out in order to actually be of assistance in solving the problems that are present in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be restless and impatient because I have wanted to be “ready” to act and be of assistance in solving the problems of the world, not realizing that I am still of very little use because there are a lot of points that I need to sort out in myself before I can participate – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that working on these points within myself is in itself an act of assistance and participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the arrogance in believing myself to be “ready” to take action while I ignore the issues within myself that I have not dealt with yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live as humility by assessing myself in self-honesty to see what I am actually capable of at the moment and what I need to work on to make progress.

I commit myself to continue working on the most prominent points I have been facing lately – instability, dependency and direction of life – by facing them in my practical living and writing them out when necessary.

I commit myself to explore the possibilities I have for directing my life – the things I do, live out, live within, work on, support and uphold – within and as the realization that I am not tied to places, people, possessions, contacts, surroundings or circumstances in any other than practical ways (for example I am tied to money because that is my access to the world's resources which I need to survive).

I commit myself, when and as I consider different possibilities for directing my life, to consider first and foremost what is best for all and to search for any and all points of self-interest with absolute self-honesty.

I commit myself to show mercy on myself by giving myself time to work on myself by not accepting and allowing guilt, fear and the sense of duty to move me while I travel; I see, realize and understand that this is what has moved me before and that this is not a sustainable source of motivation for a life lived in favor of the well-being of all because I am a part of all and suffer while I move myself by force.

I commit myself to face the moments when I think I “should be doing something” by stopping, breathing and realizing that by allowing this thought to move me I move myself by force because it is not necessity and common sense that is moving me.

I commit myself to continue studying the life of the people around me in these different cultures I live within as I travel as this has felt natural, enjoyable and enriching to me – in other words, by being present in each and every moment this act of studying and learning happens without conscious effort as an outflow of being HERE.

Day 238: Resisting self-reliance

20052013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 237: Meetings and partings

(I am continuing later with more points that opened up in the experiences described in the previous post.)

(Quote from yesterday)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get tired in my constant challenge to be self-reliant and thus allow myself to fall when there has been a safe environment to rely on instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming self-reliant because I have enjoyed relying on others as it has been comfortable to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it is OK to rely on others because I enjoy it and because it does not appear to harm others, not realizing that I am doing harm onto myself by accepting and allowing myself to live as less than I could be, and that the harm to others is done through me living as a “lesser being”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming self-reliant because I have perceived and believed it to be “a lot of work” and “a burdensome task”, not realizing that even though it does require a lot of work and conscious effort it only becomes a burden by my own decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that becoming self-reliant and self-supported is an essential part of a human being's process of maturing, and that I will not be a fully grown being until I carry responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming self-reliant because relying on others to carry responsibility for me and create my experience for me has been within my comfort zone as it has not required me to move at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe the process to grow myself out of the habit of relying on others to be “a challenge”, here associating the word “challenge” with heavy pushing and non-existent results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the process of becoming self-reliant will bring no “rewards” and that I am only doing it because I “have to” – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the “reward” here is to live as a being who will no longer live within relationships of dependency, which I have witnessed to only bring about sorrow, pain, chaos, frustration, disappointment, demands and self-compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is essential for all of us to become self-reliant in order for dependency and its consequences to disappear from our existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate becoming self-reliant because I have been afraid that it would prove to be “worse” than relying on others – meaning more lonely, more isolated, more depressing, more passive.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive independence to mean separation from other people, not realizing that only when we are all fully independent and take responsibility for ourselves are we fully equal to and one with each other, because then all will have the one and same responsibility: themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am right now in such a situation where my sense of stability is constantly “being tested” because I have nothing permanent with me expect for myself (and my backbag, but even that may get stolen so I cannot rely on it), and that I am thus in a more sensitive position and waver easily, and that it is no wonder I occasionally fall when I find a temporary source of stability in my environment – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for falling without considering the circumstances I am in, not being merciful with myself when I am in a truly challenging situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is “bad” to fall and rely on others for temporary stability, not realizing that in these circumstances it may sometimes be necessary for me to not go completely off-balance, assuming that I am aware of what I am doing and directing myself.

I commit myself to show mercy towards myself by forgiving myself when I fall out of stability and allowing myself to be assisted by other people / external factors to regain my stance.

I commit myself to further investigate the exact practical patterns that occur when and as I lose self-stability and become reliant on external factors.

I commit myself to realize that self-reliance is a requirement of equality and oneness by looking at relationships of dependency and asking myself whether equality and oneness are present in these relationships.