tiistai 1. lokakuuta 2013

Day 326: Attraction, part 4


This post is a continuation to:

An interesting thing occurred. All of what I wrote yesterday was a cool realization in itself, but later I realized that I had used it as a justification to follow those “attraction patterns” or “pathways” I mentioned before. “It's OK to do stuff with people? Then go ahead, follow your desire!” You know, lol, kinda looping around myself, thinking I'd figured out something and then it turns out I had missed something essential. So, I will now return to writing about these patterns/pathways.

“Oh right, another point I've been thinking about in relation to this are attraction patterns: how mutual attraction usually “ends up” in sex through certain layers of interaction. I've realized that one reason I have refrained from acting upon attraction is the fact that I already saw the whole pathway leading up to sex looming in front of me and I got really fucking scared of it, and so I rather just staid away from people. What I've realized now is that I don't (necessarily) have to follow that pathway. I have a choice in each moment of breath – I have a choice in every single moment I interact with another, and so in a way every moment is a blank slate. This realization has been a great relief for me, because I have understood that I am in fact in charge of myself and my life, and that such a thing as attraction is no longer “in the wheel”.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to follow a specific pattern of behavior and interaction with a person I feel attracted towards, because what I have seen at the “end” of the “pathway” I have defined as the “ultimate reward” - the climax – the peak of the energy I accumulate within me from the very moment the attraction is triggered in me. *

* Quite revealing how this is an analogy to sex.


In private spoken and written SF on specific events I came to realize that what I seek for when following this attraction pattern that would eventually lead up to sex is connection. I remembered listening to an interview of the Relationship Success Support -series about the “connection personality” - at the time not really seeing myself in what was discussed - and now everything suddenly making sense! According to what I've seen of myself so far, the energy I seek for in the fulfillment of attraction is acceptance, being heard and seen, feeling “special” and elevated, becoming an entity with the other if only for a single moment of contact.

I realized this when I looked at a moment where I looked another person in the eye after wanting to get closer to him for a while, and where in this moment I felt a slight “oomph” in my being, like a shockwave being sent through me, where I felt like I was seen, I felt like the look was “special”, I felt like that one look was speaking a thousand words, as if I knew exactly what was going on, as if we were “meant to be” there – when what in fact happened was probably some sort of a synchronization of energy (resulting from mutual attraction) AND my anticipation being fulfilled / my accumulated energy being released. So what happened was not a “real” “connection” in that sense: it was just me rolling around in my energy (and him rolling around in his).

When I look at this desire to have a “connection” with someone another point I was thinking of some weeks ago now starts to make sense. I thought to myself: “am I really myself with anyone at all?” With this question I realized that I am not really allowing myself to be exposed and to show all of myself with everyone and anyone, and instead I resort to personalities, within which I feel “easy” and “chill” around people. The search for connection thus makes sense: the connection I would naturally have with everyone if I hadn't locked up my expression into personalities driven by fear, I now seek for in “special” relationships that would be an outlet for all the things I “can't be” with everyone else. The interesting thing is: my “hunt” for this “connection” where I could expose myself also happens from within personalities. So while searching for the “right person” to expose myself to I'm not even being myself! How would they ever know who I am?

And this is why this insane looping has got to stop. No matter how I look at it – rationally or emotionally – it just doesn't make any sense. It's a self-contradicting, self-justifying cycle. So hear me now: The connection I seek for is the connection I have lost with myself and with all Life. I will never regain that connection from special, exclusive relationships that are based on energy, because energy will fade and die out. I will only ever find it from within myself, and consequently from every single facet of Life inclusively. I am in fact able to connect with every single being and element there is to this reality we live in. The connection I look for is LIFE – the connection I look for is HERE – the connection I look for is waiting for me here in every moment of breath.

To clarify, because I am prone to feel guilty: There is nothing wrong with interacting with people on different levels, as I have established during these past few days of writing. It is in fact recommendable. So go ahead and adventure, but be aware of what is going on within me and why. That's where I learn – that's where I grow – that's where opportunities are not wasted.

I'll continue with SF and commitments.

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