Day 380: Continuing on Waking up efficiently

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This post is a continuation to my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for sleeping “too much”, not questioning my definition of “too much sleep”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 6 hours of sleep to be the ideal amount of sleep with no real evidence of this actually being the amount of sleep that my body needs to recharge, thus also defining less than 6 hours as “too little” sleep and more than 6-7 hours “too much” sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not living up to my ideals, not realizing that my ideals have not been constructed according to the physical reality to function as goals that support my living, but that I have instead constructed my ideals based on what others appear to be doing and what I ought to do to be as good as others – to be accepted by others – to not be less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I cannot construct my sleeping patterns efficiently, I will have failed as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my worth based on how efficiently and supportively I structure my life, thus feeling like a failure when something doesn't work out (such as sleeping at the moment), not realizing that my definition of “supportive structuring” is based only on how much I get done / how much I achieve or accomplish, thus ignoring e.g. my physical and mental well-being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I sleep more than 7 hours I am “wasting time” that I could instead use on “getting stuff done”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my body might need more than 7 hours of sleep depending on what it's recovering from, and that forcing myself out of bed without sufficient rest is to compromise my health as well as my ability to “get stuff done”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “getting stuff done” (work, study, whatever tasks I have) is sustainable when and as and ONLY when it's done in consideration of the physical reality – such as the well-being of my body, the physical organism I inhabit.

• I commit myself to stop compromising sleep, rest and recovery in order to achieve merit in the eyes of others.
• I commit myself to arrange myself enough time for sleep, rest and recovery; In cases where I need to momentarily compromise my sleep/rest, I commit myself to arrange myself time to recover from this compromise sufficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are two kinds of tiredness – a physical and a mental tiredness – and that when I wake up in the morning I am able to discern between the two, and thus also able to understand and decide whether to stay in bed or to get up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when I have woken up in the morning, to ignore my awareness of the fact that I am mentally tired and continue sleeping regardless of my awareness of this fact with the excuse that “I have nothing to do” - “I might as well sleep more”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I stay in bed out of mental tiredness I am escaping something in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that getting out of bed is a burdensome task, thus anticipating the moment of getting up and all the things I need to do, thus creating a desire to stay in bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards my morning routine (washing up, yoga, cleaning the dishes) because I have found some of the tasks difficult and burdensome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards my morning yoga exercise because often when I do it I need to push myself over a threshold out of my comfort zone even though I know my entire body will feel better after the yoga.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the resistance towards yoga, thus skipping some mornings and eventually not doing it at all, thus also making it easier for me to give in to the resistance to get out of bed at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that expansion and growth requires constant pushing and discomfort before it becomes an effortless part of my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to integrate yoga and exercise into my living – a form of physical self-care – I need to unwind the roots and habits of stagnation I have grown and become tangled up with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that slouching, dragging my feet, sitting down and being still in the morning when I wake up is a habit of not moving – a habit that I can change and replace with another – and that I have learned this method of waking up by observing the people I grew up with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my family's culture of waking up – making oneself as comfortable as possible to “soften the blow” – is not the only possible way of starting one's day.

• I commit myself to do my yoga routine each morning, unless I am physically unable to do it (sickness etc), as I now see, realize and understand that getting used to this small push every morning I get myself used to discomfort, thus supporting myself with all situations where I need to deal with discomfort in order to grow and expand. (This is pretty cool now that I think of it this way!)
• I commit myself to expand my yoga routine little by little, adding one move to the routine when and as the routine needs more physical challenge.
• I commit myself to experiment with other forms of morning exercise, such as taking a walk or running.
• I commit myself to do something physical every morning before I have breakfast.
• I commit myself to explore what else I could do before I have breakfast, for example writing, studying and meditation.

Also, an idea I got in the last post that I want to try out:

• When and as I do not have anything to wake up to the following morning - such as a meeting, a lecture or work - I commit myself to go through my tasks for the day in the previous evening and decide on the first task I will tackle the following day.

It's been working out well so far!

Note to self: the word "efficient" has a negative tone to me, and using it here makes it feel as if waking up "efficiently" couldn't be enjoyable but that I'd be gritting my teeth while doing it, lol. I'll return to this word and the concept of efficiency in posts to come.

Day 379: Waking up efficiently

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I am once again checking my sleeping patterns. I have been having plenty of sleep lately and I've felt guilty about it, thus trying to force myself to sleep less through different methods and failing every time. I realized that the guilt is a major issue here, because whenever I notice myself having slept “too much” - whatever my definition of “too much” is – I sabotage the way my day begins by feeling bad about the rest I've had.

I've come to understand that when I want to stay in bed after initially waking up there are two possible reasons for it: a) I am actually tired and need more rest, or b) I do not need rest but simply enjoy being in bed. The bed is comfortable and warm, especially now when it's winter and my apartment is a bit chilly, and being inside the covers is a physically enjoyable thing to do. What I need to look at, though, are the consequences of staying in bed. Sometimes just hanging out in bed might be a good way to rest and recover even when I'm not sleepy, but mostly what I end up doing is falling into a dream-state and sleeping more, thus confusing my body.

So I guess I could say that my need to stay in bed can be physical or it can be mental – it can be the need of the body or the need of the mind.

One thing I've noticed to make me want to stay in bed and escape beginning my day is when I have no designated task for the morning: no work, no lecture, no meetings, just independent tasks that I have to schedule and arrange myself. This is something that I can practically change through planning. I almost always know my schedules in advance, so what I could do the previous evening is decide on at least the first task I will tackle in the morning. This would make my days more efficient and also give me a sense of meaning, which I now feel I am lacking. The work I do now with my studies is so abstract, so non-concrete that it is difficult for me to feel motivated to do any of it when I do not see the results in the physical. Maybe I could integrate some dimension of practical application to my studies that I do not yet have.

Ok, tomorrow: self-forgiveness, re-structuring and commitments.

Day 373: Claiming personal space - distracted by the social sphere

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For some time now I have had my partner living with me. He lives on the other side of the globe and is now visiting me for some weeks / a couple of months. He has been living in my apartment for about 3 weeks, which has been a major challenge for me because I have lived alone for the past 4-5 years.

One challenge I have faced is finding, arranging and claiming personal space when it's needed. Because my apartment only really has one room with no doors to separate private spaces, it takes some effort to de-attach myself from the presence of the other, as I first need to identify the need for personal space, then decide to arrange it, then communicate it, and then make sure that I utilize that space effectively.

This is one of the reasons I have had trouble writing lately. I find it difficult to focus on writing in the presence of another or rather find some social activities more relevant. My partner agrees that writing is important and he is willing to give me all the space I need for doing it, but I have still found it difficult. I much rather just escape the discomfort of arranging myself a moment for writing into social activities as they are so easy and comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the discomfort I find in writing into social activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make writing uncomfortable for myself as I have created a threshold from the excuse “I don't know what to write about”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I don't now what to write about”, not realizing that it is an excuse to not write, and that I am in fact able to figure out what to write a blog post about once I sit down, bring myself to breath and start mapping out my recent experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear / anticipate the moment when I do not have a clear view on what today's blog post will be about, not realizing that the view will clarify eventually as I simply break my experience down and give myself enough time to piece it together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by the social possibilities living with another person brings into my life, thus forgetting about and ignoring my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being distracted by the social possibilities with the fact that my partner will only be here for a few weeks, not realizing that even though this is true and I should utilize my time with him as effectively as possible, by interacting with him from the starting point of escapism I build the relationship into a place of escapism / illusion instead of building it into a platform of actual support, which will have long-lasting consequences and might affect the relationship further in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the choices I make when living with my partner affect the way the relationship is constructed, and that if I give myself leeway by for example escaping my responsibilities or disregarding communication, it will have an effect on what the relationship becomes and what kind of issues/conflict/disturbance we will eventually come across.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal space to carry out my responsibilities and tasks I build the relationship to be founded on self-responsibility, self-reliance, commitment, direct communication, self-honesty and mutual support and assistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal space I do not only support myself but I also support the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear claiming personal space because it requires me to ask for practical things (silence, comfortable seat, good lighting, etc.) for myself so that the other will not be able to use them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for these practicalities as I have feared that I might be asking “too much” from the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I ask “too much” of the other, he will think less of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my partner thinking less of me because I perceive and believe that with him there's “more to lose” than with others as the “stakes are higher”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give special value to my partner's opinion of me as I have believed and perceived that a positive opinion keeps the relationship together whereas a negative opinion will make him lose interest / motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a person's opinion of another – how one experiences the other momentarily and in long-term / who one believes and perceives the other to be – is the fundamental reason for why relationships are created and held onto, not realizing that to build a partnership on feelings, images and concepts alone is unreliable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that alongside feelings and concepts relationships can also be built on principles, common goals and rational reasoning, which will provide a more solid foundation for a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust the principles our relationship is founded upon and (out of habit) be constantly afraid of “losing my standing” in the eyes of my partner, as this is what has usually been the reason for my relationships ending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to uphold the practice of building relationships on unreliable grounds by choosing my partners according to momentary experiences and ending the relationships when my partners have no longer triggered the same experience in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my current relationship will end up the same way my previous relationships have ended up, not realizing that I have the tools to prevent such an outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by trying to guess how this relationship “ends up” I am thinking in stories, simplifying lived life into images and living according to this guesswork, not realizing that future is created HERE and cannot be fully foreseen.

I digress!

I commit myself to arrange myself the time and space to write every day, taking into consideration the circumstances I do this in.

I commit myself to practice trust and self-trust by addressing topics that feel difficult with my partner.

I commit myself, when and as I need it, to ask for support from my partner e.g. in writing.

Day 359: The celebration illusion

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At a wedding (2010).

I would like to share something I experienced a few days ago. I was spending time with a specific group of friends, celebrating the end of the year and enjoying each other's company. Most of the people present were drinking alcohol, and because of my recent re-commitment I had made the choice to not drink alcohol; even though I partially already made the decision when I left for the party without a bottle, the decision was solid only when I was at the party, thinking about what liquids to consume and choosing to fill my glass with water instead of asking others to share their wine with me. I drank water, I felt relaxed and awake, I was enjoying myself.

At one point we decided to walk to the local pub, which was a small place full of people and with a troubadour performing. When walking in I noticed myself thinking that I was “out of place” - that I was a “city beau” walking among “small town hicks” - and that I should have portrayed myself gracefully according to this image. I didn't, however, because I realized that my clothes were so mundane that I wouldn't have been able to pull off that show convincingly. (I realize that with this line of thinking I separate myself from others and attempt to compensate for my insecurity by elevating myself, but that is not the focus of this story as I did not act upon it this time around.)

What happened next was interesting. I had gotten myself a drink, I was listening to the troubadour and singing loud with my friends (simply out of the joy of knowing the lyrics, lol), and since I had had just a couple of sips of my gin and tonic I was fully sober. The troubadour started playing a familiar song that everyone knows the lyrics to, but which is a song I strongly resent. The lyrics are basically about sex, sleeping around, escapism and getting drunk. Everybody around me was singing the song, dancing in the cramped space and fully lost in the experience of the moment – whereas I stopped, I looked around and I saw everything that the song stands for (losing oneself in momentary escapism) in the actions of the people surrounding me. I stood breathing and stable inside a bar during the energy peak of the evening (the “party experience” chain of events) and I stopped participating. I stopped dancing, I stopped singing, I stopped smiling, I stopped drinking, and I just breathed. I put my glass down and left it there. I sat down and just watched everyone around me. All my will to participate in any of it had been drained out of me with the realization of what the culture of drinking stands for.

My reaction towards the song of course plays a part here, because I projected what I saw in the song on the people around me. Thus, I may have seen them in a more “negative light” because of the self-judgement that the song brought up. However, this doesn't negate the fact that at least a part of what I saw was actually there.

So, basically, what I learned was that the illusion of the “party experience” - the story of the party that one tells within one's mind before, during and after the actual events - is in fact an illusion that one can stop participating in. It was easy when I was sober and not influenced by any specific emotional energy, but I am guessing that it can be done even under the influence of alcohol when and as the emotional attachment to the “experience” is dissolved – in other words, when I step outside of the hamster wheel that I keep fueling by myself. I'm kinda tempted to get drunk just to test my theory, lol.

Days 355-356: Escaping physical strain

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In regards to what I wrote about alcohol/socializing being a way to relax for me, I've been paying attention to how and why I make my moment-to-moment living uncomfortable / unenjoyable so that I need the release from “leisure” to balance myself from the exhaustion I have created. So far I have come across some points.

• Physical strain: either my backpack is too heavy or the wrong size for me, or my posture is not OK for sustainably carrying a heavy backpack while walking long distances. Also, my physical reading positions are rarely such where I would not end up in pain: I always eventually jam up my back and/or shoulders. As I write my shoulder muscles are currently in a very painful state.
• Partly because of the physical discomfort I tend to escape my breath-to-breath living into my mind. I usually think about a) past events, b) future events or c) imaginary events – stuff that doesn't exist anymore / yet / at all – and I do this over and over again without achieving any new insights with any of the recurring thoughts.
• A point I noticed while walking long distances was impatience. When there is some reason for me to feel impatient to “be there already” (e.g. be home already because I am hungry and I have food waiting for me) I escape my moment-to-moment living into the mind as described above, as if to distract myself from the discomfort that is here (such as hunger) to get me “faster” to my goal/destination. Even though this method makes it seem as if “time goes faster” because I momentarily become unaware of myself and the discomfort my physical body is experiencing, I actually sabotage myself because when and as I distract my attention from my body's actual needs I lock myself into a state of tension. For example, when I am walking outside and it is cold, if I distract myself to not be aware of the coldness and instead ”float around” in a mind bubble, my body will still experience the coldness and be in a state of tension as I am not giving my body any attention. Instead I could be aware of the experience of coldness, keep myself in deep and slow breathing and relax my body with each breath, through this assisting and supporting my body to survive the cold. I have noticed through experimenting that when I relax myself within an uncomfortable experience, it actually becomes less uncomfortable (e.g. cold feels less cold) – I'm guessing it has something to do with how blood flows in muscles (tense vs. relaxed).

Alright. I will now walk these points and see what comes of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe so that I have not noticed the physical pain in my body caused by a bad posture before the pain gets bad enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my body telling me that the posture I am in is damaging to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I “need to” study at the expense of my physical body because there are “no better options”, not realizing that I am causing myself extensive damage and making my studying more difficult in the long run, and that there is sure to be some option that I just haven't figured out yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on trying to find a physically painless way to study and instead settle for positions that are not good for my health.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that pushing myself to study through pain is self-sabotage, as the pain will eventually render me unable to study.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my discomfort into the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my experience being uncomfortable with fear and thus create a desire to no longer be there, thus fulfilling this desire by escaping my experience into a mind illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to discomfort with the fear of not being able to handle it, believing and perceiving that physical discomfort is something “overwhelming”, not realizing that physical discomfort can in fact be dealt with simply by breathing, locating the problem and taking necessary actions to solve the problem.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to no realize that when in discomfort, the simple act of breathing and bringing my awareness to the pain is to gift myself with the attention that I actually require, and that escaping the discomfort by not breathing and distracting myself with thoughts/images is to neglect myself and ignore the needs of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my uncomfortable experience of the physical reality into the mind as thoughts and imaginations of the past and future, thus losing myself into what is not actually HERE and neglecting that which is actually HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a thought/image is “more enjoyable” than my experience of the actual reality and that this enjoyability is a valid reason to escape the reality, not realizing that the enjoyment in the mind is temporary and fades and that every moment spent away from HERE brings consequences: if I shut my eyes while driving a car, every moment spent driving with my eyes closed might take me off the road.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the enjoyment within/of the mind / the conceptual reality always fades, whereas enjoyment within/of this physical reality is sustainable.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become impatient with the cause of my physical discomfort (cold, rain, hunger, tiredness) and to escape the discomfort by thinking of the moment when I will get rid of it (by getting home, getting to a shelter, getting food, getting to rest etc.), and thus “mend” my impatience by imagining I'm “there already” or by telling myself I'm “almost there”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my physical needs need to be “soothed” with imagination or otherwise they will overpower me, not realizing that if I am not actually dying my physical needs cannot in fact overpower me by themselves, and that my experiences and memories of a physical need becoming “overwhelming” are such where I have made it “overwhelming” through the mind with enhancing thoughts such as “I am so hungry/cold”, “I am in so much pain”, “this sucks”, “I hate this”, “I'm so far away from home”, “why can't I be there already”, “this feels awful” et cetera, where I have eventually been overpowered by my own helplessness and not the problem itself.

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I commit myself to keep myself in breath before, during and after I study (read text from a book / computer screen OR write on a notepad / computer) to keep my awareness in my physical body and to thus ensure that no painful point – message from my body, the living organism – goes unnoticed.

• Before I study, I commit myself to find myself a comfortable position to study in.
• During studying, I commit myself to take note of any pain I might feel and to adjust my posture/position accordingly, making sure that I get up and move around every 15 minutes.
• After studying, I commit myself to pay attention to the remaining effects of the physical act of studying in my body.

I commit myself to show myself that I am capable of surviving non-lethal physical discomfort, such as hunger, tiredness and changes in temperature, by returning myself to breath whenever I escape the physical reality into my mind and by keeping myself stable and relaxed in breath until the problem can be solved.

When and as I create dramatic thoughts about my state of discomfort – such as “I am so hungry/tired/cold” - I stop, I breathe and I realize that with these thoughts I give in to helplessness, believing and perceiving that I am powerless to direct the situation to the best possible outcome. I realize that the reality is not in fact dramatic as everything moves according to simple causality (if I do not eat, I will eventually get hungry) and that within a reality of causality there is always also some kind of a course of action available that will work as a solution to undesired circumstances (when I go home, I will eat food). I stabilize myself in breath, search for an actual solution to the problem, and I keep myself stable until the problem is resolved.

I commit myself to explore how to find comfort in discomfort through breathing, relaxing and taking care of my basic physical needs.

Alright, I'll continue with more related points tomorrow.

Days 352-354: Alcohol

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Since I am currently on my way to an event that will probably include drinking alcohol, I thought it fitting to address my issue with drinking that has surfaced recently.

I grew up in an environment that encouraged drinking alcohol, and although everyone knew that legally I shouldn't have been drinking before I turned 18, I was pretty much allowed to start drinking when it started to interest me. My older siblings and even parents would buy me drinks if I asked them to: I never asked for anything “too much”, and for them my behavior was normal, what kids my age were doing anyway.

I got “into” drinking when I was about 15-16 and my group of high school friends started forming. For me drinking was a social thing: I enjoyed parties, their exciting, adventurous and carefree atmosphere, and I was thrilled to be meeting people, because I had learned that apparently relationships mostly formed in parties when people are a little drunk (less tense and defensive / more welcoming and appealing). When I look back on it I can see that my reason for partying was mostly sex/relationships, although sometimes it was to feel like I “belonged” somewhere, to feel “connected” to people, and to be less lonely.

After high school I got alienated from my friends and so the social environment I used to drink in was no longer there. My group of friends changed while my income decreased heavily, and because my new friends were always drinking in bars and night clubs I could no longer financially afford to drink socially. I quit drinking through bitterness and it created a nasty undertone to my friendships.

I later realized real reasons to not drink: it's damaging to my physical health AND to my mental condition. For many years I have not really been drinking because I have always been low on money and I have been too busy to fit that kind of socializing into my life.

Now that these limitations (money and time) have been removed, since my income is decent and I have time and opportunities to socialize, I've noticed that I am very prone to drinking. I realize that this is a problem, because the reasons for my drinking are the same as they were when I was 16: relaxing, fitting in and being social. When asking myself “why do I drink” just now, my answer was: “Because I can.” Now I am “finally” able to drink alcohol, and for a while I've just been going with it because of the energetic release of “having access” to something that used to be inaccessible.

But as I am now continuing to write this after the night of drinking I mentioned, I know that this tendency to use alcohol as a way to “unwind” has got to stop. What I witnessed in myself was a relaxation, opening up and talkativeness when I was drinking (like, after two sips of wine, lol – completely a mental thing) with my tension returning twice as bad the following day. The points of nervousness that I bypassed with alcohol were there just the same when I had to face them sober.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape anxiety, tension and nervousness into drinking because when growing up I learned through observation and direct advice that this is what people do and how people live.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of rather escaping anxiety, tension and nervousness than directly dealing with their starting point, because as a child this is what I witnessed the people around me doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a behavioral pattern / a habit out of drinking as an escape from anxiety, tension and nervousness because when I first tried it out it appeared to “work” (when getting drunk for the first time I gave myself the permission to “let loose”, which I misinterpreted to have been caused by the substance itself) and so I continued to do so whenever I wanted to feel relaxed, energetic and excited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make alcohol the symbol of “fun”, not realizing that by doing so I limit myself from having “fun” without alcohol and make the experience of “fun” dependent on alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child/teenager to create an image of alcohol in my mind – an icon / a symbol – that represented “fun”, “enjoyment”, “relaxation”, “friends”, “leisure”, “good times”, “excitement” and “adventure”, not questioning this positively charged image/icon/symbol even when I saw myself and others manifest the complete opposite when drunk – aggression, depression, hallucinations, violence, regression, physical poisoning, fighting – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the actual consequences of mine and my friends' reasons for drinking alcohol just to hold onto the positive image of alcohol as the “ultimate release”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in order to celebrate (to express my gratitude over something) - be it a finished task, the people in my life or life events - I need to drink alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that one of the reasons I feel compelled to drink alcohol when I'm doing something social is because to me socializing is often a form of celebration (expressing my gratitude/appreciation for the people that are there), which I have learned to connect with the culture of drinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how vast the culture of drinking alcohol is and that unraveling this habit from myself is a lengthy task.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that alcohol is a “bad” thing and judge myself and others accordingly, not realizing that the substance itself is neither good or evil because it is just a tool, a conveyor of the intentions behind the use of the substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for using alcohol because I have assumed that their intentions to use it are destructive (escapism).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that alcoholism will exist whether I judge it or not, and that if my goal is to affect the existence of alcoholism, judgement doesn't really help me get anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the world and its phenomenons will exist no matter what I think of them within my mind, and that the way to affect the world is not through the conceptual reality (judgement) but through the physical reality (actions).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who drink alcohol as escapism (almost everyone) because I have held onto my self-judgement and projected it onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for drinking alcohol because based on the consequences of my drinking (conflict, mistakes, embarrassment) I have labeled drinking as “bad”, not realizing that it is not alcohol or even the act of drinking that creates the negative consequences but MYSELF, because alcohol releases from me all of the things I would like to express but normally suppress, which makes WHO I AM within the act of drinking the cause for all the consequences of the action itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that drinking alcohol makes me stupid, annoying, reckless, loud, vicious, desperate and depressed, not realizing that alcohol simply brings out who I already am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the qualities listed above as “no good” (qualities I do not want attached to “who I am” / my personality / the image of me that others see), and to thus judge myself when and as these hidden/suppressed qualities eventually surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny these dimensions of myself / of human expression, not realizing that in order to release them and truly make a choice to either live or not live out these dimensions I need to first embrace them all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as long as I judge myself for a dimension of human expression (such as being loud), I will not be able to fully let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that drinking alcohol makes me happy, joyful, laughing, energetic, excited, horny, social, funny and elevated, not realizing that I have already been all this on some level but used alcohol to emphasize these dimensions of human expression to override the negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use alcohol to get high on positive energy, not realizing that I am escaping the reality where I do not feel OK with myself into a temporary illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the illusion of self-elevation created when drunk dissolves easily when the pattern of being drunk is broken.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mind pattern of a “successful night of drinking”, where the chain of alcohol is uninterrupted, I do not react negatively to anything and I have pleasant people around me all night – not realizing that when I expect my night to go like this the night is easily “ruined” (the energy high crashes) even with a small disturbance.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a night is “ruined” because I reacted negatively to something.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like the memory of an otherwise fun evening is “ruined” because of something negative that happened at the end of the night.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in drinking to create “nice memories”, not realizing that this starting point itself holds the expectation that the evening as a whole should go “according to plan” so that the memory would be unspoiled, and that having an expectation like this is simply unrealistic because of the numerous factors included in an event that concerns several people, if in a bar maybe even hundreds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that drinking should be fun, thus reacting when it is not fun, not realizing that my expectation itself is unrealistic and that having an expectation on any social event doesn't really serve any purpose as the events can't really be foretold.

--

I commit myself to investigate why my life feels tense / unfulfilling so that there is a need for “unwinding” through alcohol-related socializing.

I commit myself to walk through the above-mentioned tension points in writing to see how to release them in order to make life truly and sustainably enjoyable (“fun”) in every single breath.

I commit myself to stop drinking alcohol for now to see how it affects social situations where I would usually drink (e.g. celebration).

I commit myself to be patient with myself concerning this point as I see, realize and understand that I have grown within a culture of drinking and that the culture is thus embedded into me in multiple layers.

I commit myself, in my occupation as an alcohol vendor, to investigate how alcohol as a tool is being used, and instead of judging alcohol itself as “good” or “bad” to look at how and why alcohol is being used.

I commit myself to utilize my position as a bartender to discuss alcohol with other people.

I commit myself to go through memories of differing consequences of my alcohol use and to map out how these consequences have manifested who I was during that time.

When, as and if I do drink alcohol, I commit myself to investigate the dimensions of human expression that arise in me and to investigate them thoroughly in writing to see why I suppress and deny these dimensions in myself.

I commit myself to investigate what kind of expectations I set on different kinds of social situations.

This was a box of worms, whew! Lol, I'm glad to see this point finally opening up, as I've been meaning to focus on it many times before. I'll continue with this later on.

Days 345-346: "Doing nothing" and heaviness - SF on day 344

3110-02112013

This post is a continuation to my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to direct myself in each and every breath of my living by escaping the feeling of heaviness I have created through self-judgement into activities that amount to nothing in this reality that is shared by all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when these moments of curling up into a comfortable, solitary spot to do something with no substance or relevance occur, I am not directing myself within and as the principle of “what is best for all” but that I am instead directed by the desires I have created within and as self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-interest doesn't actually bring about what is best for me because it doesn't consider what is best for all, which is directly tied to what is best for me as an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the word “self-interest” means self-care, not realizing that when my focus (interest) is solely on myself I am not considering myself as a part of a whole but rather perceiving myself to BE the whole, and that when I do not consider myself as the particle of reality that I really am, I am not taking care of myself in the best possible way but neglecting some (possibly important) perspectives on how to care for my well-being by considering the entire reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for a release from the experience of heaviness - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to “do nothing” to compensate for “doing everything”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself the feeling of “doing everything” (being burdened) by judging myself to be “not good enough” - doing too little too slowly and too poorly – never doing “enough” and feeling like I'd have to do “everything” to be “good enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot do everything because it is physically impossible, and that my standard of reaching all of my goals is unrealistic and thus not supportive at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself goals that are unsupportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize planning and setting goals as a structure to motivate me and support me to finish difficult long-term tasks, but that I have instead used planning and goals as a measurement of my own worth, mainly to tell myself how “little” I am now and how “much” I could be in the future, not realizing that even though the purpose of this method has also been to motivate me to act, the source of motivation in this method is fear (“what I am now is bad – I must become something better to avoid consequences”) instead of motivation coming from the realization of who and what I am and what it is I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-judgement to motivate myself to become “better”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that self-judgement is necessary for me to learn from my mistakes – that I must show some kind of “regret” for my mistakes and diminish myself in order to make it clear that I understand that I made a mistake and that I will not do the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that expressing remorse through self-diminishment is necessary so that others would not get angry at me.

• The memory of me around 4-5 years old dropping eggshells into batter and my mother reacting with sharp and loud words that told me I had made a mistake – mom exerting her emotions on me - I was frightened by her attack on me – felt horrible emotionally, started crying and ran away.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my responsibilities and thus make it feel as if I am “doing everything”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is impossible for me to do “more” than what I am capable of, and that whatever I do I am in fact able to do – meaning that when I do things that make me feel heavy I am not in fact doing “too much” but acting through resistance and making possible tasks feel impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my responsibilities because I have made them feel “heavy” through self-judgement: I perceive myself to be a failure already so I don't even want to try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that when something feels heavy and difficult, “I can't do it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when a task feels big and heavy, I am small and unable in comparison and “incapable” of getting the task done – not realizing that starting, working on and completing a task is a matter of breath-to-breath movements, which I am capable of assisting and supporting myself to carry out when and as I am standing within and as breath grounded in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that writing my blog is “too much”, not realizing that in all simplicity all it requires is that I arrange a comfortable environment for writing, open a blank text file and start putting down words one letter at a time about what I am experiencing at the very moment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my writing by setting myself a standard according to which just writing about my current experience is “not good enough” but that I would need to come to fundamental realization about myself every single day – not realizing that sometimes I get so “stuck” that it is required for me to write through the daily grind before seeing the “big picture” of what is going on with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that reading my school books is “too much”, not realizing that studying these books, no matter how many, is simply a matter of arranging myself a comfortable reading spot, having the book and pen and paper with me, getting the basic outlines of the book through the introduction and the index, and then simply reading one word at a time, one sentence at a time, one paragraph at a time, and making notes as I go.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my studying by setting myself a standard according to which I'd need to read a lot of pages at once and get the task done as soon as possible because of the amount of reading I need to do, thus not even trying when I'd only have a little time to read or when I believe and perceive myself to be “too tired” to absorb the information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that taking care of housework is “too much”, not realizing that all these tasks are really simple (washing the dishes, watering the plants, taking the trash, cleaning the floors) and only require me to move myself one inch at a time, no matter how slowly and gradually.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself taking care of my household work by believing and perceiving that “I'm too tired to get on my feet”, thus never even trying to stand up, breathe myself into stability and move myself one inch at a time to gradually get the chores done.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to have “failed” in the discussion from the previous day, carrying this self-judgement with me unaddressed until the next day and thus accumulating the experience of being a “failure”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like the discussion was a “failure” because some points were left unresolved, not realizing that because there is/was a chance of still resolving those points and thus correcting my behavior, no such thing as “failure” has (yet) happened and can still be fully avoided.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not all points can be fully resolved within a single discussion and that processing a point may take time and several discussions before a conclusion is reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry full responsibility for a discussion that happened between two participants and feel guilty for “not making it work”, not realizing that I am not responsible for how the other person behaved within the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing my employers by making a mistake and thus appearing “unworthy” of their trust and appreciation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about “failing” at work every time I do something that I know to include a chance of “something going wrong” - not realizing that basically any action I commit at my work place (even just walking from point A to point B!) includes the possibility of some damage happening to my work place (I could carelessly tip over a chair which could break when hitting the floor) – and that because the possibility of something getting damaged is always present whenever I am at my work place it is not relevant to be mindful of the “dangers” because my employers have taken a conscious risk there by opening a business that includes other people using your property unsupervised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that some of the risks of “things going wrong” are such that I could easily prevent, for example by taking the cash register key with me when I go get stuff from the storage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about not being nice enough to the customers and causing them to not want to come to the bar again, not realizing that in order to make people feel actually welcome I need to be myself unsuppressed with any and all customers instead of wearing a polite “nice persona” out of fear of myself not being “good enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by suppressing myself at work I build the bar into a place of self-suppression, making customers feel tense and unwelcome, whereas by not suppressing myself and by expressing myself unlimited I build the bar into a place of self-integrity, self-honesty and real human interaction, which might alienate some but work in everyone's favour in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to wear a “nice personality” at work because of how I have experienced the feedback of one of my employers, not realizing that I don't need to wear a mask to be kind, considerate and friendly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for making mistakes at work, not realizing that self-judgement (“I am so stupid”) works as a defense mechanism to not take in the feedback and actually consider how I could improve in my job, because here I use self-judgement to distance myself from who I was when making the mistake (myself) by creating a character out of who I was when making the mistake (“stupid”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making mistakes is unavoidable, and that when and as I make mistakes I will best “redeem” myself by stopping to consider who I was when making the mistake, forgiving myself for the mistake and reconstructing myself so that I will not repeat the same mistake again (but instead make new kinds of mistakes, lol).

When and as I receive feedback at work about something I could improve on, I commit myself to stop, breathe and consider who I was when making the mistake. I consider the reasons for why I should change my behavior and make sure I see why it is necessary I change. I then forgive myself for the mistake and, if necessary, build a mind pattern that will remind me to change my behavioral patterns when and as the action is at hand.

I commit myself to investigate the characters, personalities and masks I carry with me at work and to release them in writing, self-forgiveness and breathing.

When and as I think I have made a “mistake” or “failed”, I commit myself to look at how the situation could be corrected instead of reveling in self-judgement as I see, realize and understand that self-judgement doesn't contribute to finding a solution in any way whatsoever.

When and as I feel like “doing nothing” - I stop, I breathe and I ask myself why I feel like “doing nothing” and what it is I should be doing but resist instead. I check myself for the feeling of heaviness / being burdened, and if the experience of heaviness is here, I realize that have accumulated it through some kind of self-abuse. I check my recent past (last 48 hours) for self-judgement or other kinds of self-abuse and self-neglect. Instead of “doing nothing” and escaping the heaviness I have created, I deal with the origin of the heaviness in whatever ways I can – breathing, resting, speaking, writing, discussing – and release the points I come across in self-forgiveness.

When and as a task feels like it's “too much” - I stop, I breathe and I realize that by making something seem “too much” I make myself appear “too little” in comparison. I realize that this is not in fact true and that through practice, patience and consistency any task is possible for me to undertake: any task is one with and equal to me. I breathe and I stabilize myself, and I look at the task at hand to map out the steps that lead to its completion. I evaluate the amount of time and work required for each step and according to this self-honest assessment of reality I make a plan on how to get the task done. I then proceed onto the “first step” and give it my full focus without worrying about the next stages of the task.

Days 337-338: Getting out of bed because "important stuff awaits"

19-20102013

Still looking at the point with sleeping and waking up. Thanks to what I wrote before I have no longer been skipping morning classes, but there's still a problem with not getting up early even without something to “force” me out of bed.

For example, today I woke up around 10am after about 6 hours of sleep. I regained consciousness, I sat up to check the time, I felt awake and thought “I could get up already even though my alarm goes off in an hour”, but then, for some reason, I laid back down and fell into a dream state where I didn't really rest but just dreamt a lot. This pattern repeats over and over again, morning after morning. I regain consciousness after about 6 hours, but because I am not fully alert right away I think “I can sleep a little more” and suddenly I notice I've slept for 9 hours. This is not cool. I know I do not need the extra sleep after that 6 hours when I naturally wake up, and now I'm here to write to support myself through those moments of almost getting out of bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay in bed because it's warm under the blanket whereas my apartment feels very cold.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of the discomfort of feeling cold when getting out of bed and use it as an excuse to stay in bed even though I do not need to stay in bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the coldness wears off after I get out of bed and move around, and that even though the moment I get out of bed feels “the worst” because the coldness hits me and my body goes into a momentary shock, the sensation of coldness will not last when and as I move myself and/or exercise, eat breakfast and put on enough clothing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that coldness is not a valid reason to stay in bed because it's a practical issue I am fully capable to take care of without much effort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse myself to stay in bed by thinking “I don't have anything important to do”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “important tasks” to be things that have something outside of me to “please” - employers, teachers, clients, an audience – and to thus not be motivated to do things that do not have an external “audience” to satisfy but would only serve my (and others') well-being without external validation, acceptance or reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to the validation, acceptance and reward I get from outside of me (as learned in childhood) and to thus ignore self-validation, self-acceptance and self-reward.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to do things that are self-driven because it has required more effort to make those things rewarding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to write my blog because I rarely get direct feedback from the people who read it (easy reward) and because it takes a lot of time to see the results of writing in my everyday living (hard reward).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be motivated to exercise because I don't remember how good it physically feels immediately after exercise (fast reward) and because the long-term results of exercise – the strengthening of my body – only appear after consistently exercising for long periods of time (slow reward).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be overwhelmed by the push of effort I have to make in order to exercise so that I forget the fast and the slow rewards it gets me.

When and as I resist exercising because it feels like “too much”, I commit myself to stop, breathe and remind myself of the fast and slow rewards exercise gets me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel compelled to stay in bed because it has been a comfortable escape from my life which has been taking on a new structure, using up a lot of my energy and time, making life seem “chaotic”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to this escape routine – which may have been useful in the beginning of this life change so that I could “recharge” - not realizing that this routine has served its purpose and is no longer valid as it's now keeping me from utilizing my time properly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I would have a lot of useful and enjoyable things to do with that extra time not spent in bed, such as writing, reading, exercising, making music, cooking, cleaning, sewing and getting back to visual arts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “important” tasks and activities to be such where there is external validation, not realizing that the amount and source of validation that I get from an activity says nothing about its actual relevance to the well-being of All.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a task/activity is “important” only if there is an external “demand” that will be rewarded with external validation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my definition of “importance” (stuff that needs to be done) dates back to my childhood when I sought to compensate for my low self-esteem by doing well in school and hobbies and getting validation from my parents, teachers and audiences – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this definition is no longer valid as “what needs to be done” is no longer (and never really was) to create myself a temporary illusion of self-worth so that life wouldn't feel like shit but is now instead to live as self-worth that I structure, create and support myself as this will benefit All Life, myself included.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that getting out of bed when I have had enough rest is important because through this act of self-discipline I support myself to become an active director of my own life, no longer floating around passively and responding to impulses but being the impulse as a self-directed principle.

I commit myself to challenge myself to no longer sleep in and to get myself out of bed when and as I wake up naturally after about 6 hours within and as the realization that through this action I build myself into a self-disciplined and active participant and director of my own life.

I commit myself to cut myself some slack when and as I actually need to sleep more (when I am sick or using up more energy than usual) and to utilize SF and writing for the possible guilt and regret for “wasting my time” on sleeping.

I commit myself to get myself out of bed on cold mornings by walking around, moving my body, stretching, making myself a warm breakfast and getting dressed.

I commit myself to investigate my definition of “importance”.

Day 234: "Having a romantic interest" as an addiction

15052013

[Today I opened up a point in private writings, here's some excerpt and SF on it.]

[Here I'm speaking mostly from the perspective of childhood experiences.]

Rejection. My romantic interests have rejected me ever since the first one. There have been few mutual ones, and some that I haven't responded to. I have built up this hope and this positive experience of another, positive view of another, expectations of the other being the most wonderful person ever, and when I have been denied access to this I have blamed myself for it – I have not been good enough. And it has been like all of my foundation has been crumbled away: I have laid out myself on the image of another person, a person I have not even known, thinking of this image as the “earth beneath my feet” because the energy charge of this has been so strong that it has helped me survive my daily adversities of being bullied, isolated and self-abused. So “having a romantic interest” has been an addiction to me, a drug to keep me going, something with which to replace self-support. Romantic interests and the related fantasies have been my “rosy glasses”, my distraction, my escape from the actual issues haunting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to the energy I have received from having a romantic interest, as I have used this energy to fuel me in my daily living which was consuming to me because of all the adversity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose one person among a selection of suitable people (usually being physically available within my daily living and being approximately in my age group has been enough) according to the energetic reaction I have had towards this person on first encounter (“first impression”) as related to others available, choosing the one towards which my reaction was most overwhelming and most positive – then placing this person in a “special position” where I would start building fantasies and scenarios around this person according to the model my world had presented me (through movies, fairytales, books, media, celebrities), building up expectations, hopes and desires that these scenarios would come true so that I could release the anticipation and experience all the energy I had been promised, thus also creating fear that this person would no longer “be available” and that he would be “stolen” from me by someone “better” than me, fearing that all the scenarios and hopes and desires and plans I had invested in would collapse, because I would then collapse as the hole within me that I ignored with all this is still there, waiting to be noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build fantasies and scenarios of “security” and “safety” around this one selected person because I did not feel safe or secure within my world and within myself and instead of looking at myself for the cause and remedy searched for a “quick fix” from outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat this scenario time and time again without realizing that the problem is within me, that it is not about “having the wrong person” or me being “not good enough” - it is this desire to have a romantic interest that is causing me trouble because I have been clearly unable to live without one as I have always latched myself onto another after the last attempt has “failed”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as I have not felt secure, safe or stable within my living, to search for security, safety and stability from other people instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my “lack” is due to my immaturity as a human being which is the result of me growing up in a world that is immature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for the elements that I lack due to an imbalanced childhood from others, not realizing that it is not another's responsibility to give me what I lack so that I could live as a seemingly complete, yet actually incomplete being for the rest of my days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my responsibility to grow back my “missing limbs”, because when given by others it is but a “wooden leg” the giving of which consumes the other, and that me growing out of my own immaturity is the only known option that considers the best of all, not just my self-interest.

This leaves me with the question: why do I feel insecure, unstable and unsafe? Knowing the basics of developmental psychology, I'd say something in my process of growing up has been disturbed as a child – but when and how? This may have something to do with my relationship to my father. During my childhood he was “never there” because he was always working, and when he was actually present it was be uncertain whether he would be stressed and tired or really happy and cheerful – so I could never really trust him to “always be there for me” because sometimes he was obviously too tired to put up with my child-existence, and even though he tried to cover this up I of course noticed. So maybe I'm looking for that stability, that reliability that was never there from other men, trying to find the stability that I was supposed to learn from my father/parents but never did. Children learn by mimicking: I was never shown stability, safety, certainty, security in terms of a being's “inner balance”. Thus I did not learn this as a child, when all I had to mimic was unreliable emotional expression and self-abuse.

So, right. Whatever it has been, I have picked this all up as a child when I have actually been helpless about my life. What I didn't pick up when it would have been easy, I'm going to have to practice now when it's difficult, and that can only happen through consistent practicing: stopping the pattern, questioning it, not living according to it, directing myself otherwise. Moment after moment after moment. Walking myself out of this mess is not going to be easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be consistent about stopping the related mind-patterns [which I opened up in private writings] as I have not realized that walking myself out of a dependency / addiction is the most difficult thing I will ever do because I resist it with all of my mind, and that it thus requires all of my effort to sort it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop these patterns every time they occur and instead allow them to run for a while and only notice and stop them until they accumulate enough fear/desire within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy about my writings as I have not been specific enough to actually assist and support me to overcome these mind-patterns.

I commit myself to map out these mind-patterns in full detail so that I can flag them and actually notice and immediately stop them when and as they occur.

I commit myself to no longer follow these mind patterns because I see, realize and understand that they will only lead to fear and/or desire and that I will end up looping in-between these polarities – neither one of which is based on reality.

I commit myself to write about the self-suppression related to this point. [Not mentioned here.]

Day 214: Resting

24042013

from a play; me on the right.

How do I know when I actually need rest and how should I give it to myself?

The answer to the first question is relatively easy: listen to your body and don't be fooled by the mind. Lol. Listening to one's body is done by stopping, breathing and allowing oneself to be fully aware of one's physical experience. For example, last night I didn't really notice myself to be tired and completely ready to go to bed and fall asleep until I stopped myself, told myself to stop working on my tasks and sat myself down with a cup of tea and nothing else to do but to drink the tea. This is when I became aware of the fact that my muscles were sore, and this is where my eyes started closing immediately when I stopped myself from rushing around and stopped my hurry-busy-overload-mode. I realized that the fact that my physical was giving me these signs meant that I was indeed in need of rest, and so I gave myself rest. Had I followed my mind I would have continued working and perhaps collapsed sooner or later – if not during the night, I would have run out of steam today had I not slept enough.

But the second question I proposed is more tricky, because the experience of something being “rest” or “relaxing” or “not demanding” is subjective and also relative as compared to that which one is taking rest from (i.e. work, tasks, responsibilities, burdens, obligations etc.). I just got to thinking about this when I had been studying for a couple of hours, noticed myself to be getting weary and stiff from working and realized that I needed rest – but then I started conflicting with myself as I did not know how to give myself rest. My first thought was to lay down and play video games – but then I thought of yoga because my back was really screaming for it – and then I thought: “but yoga isn't rest” - which I realized to be a value I have assigned yoga: [exercise = work], so [yoga = work] as well. I then went on to do yoga because I saw that it could actually support me to recover and heal from my day of work, which in the long run serves me more than playing video games, which is just sitting still and entertaining myself with mathematical stuff – which does hold value at times, but this wasn't what I needed at this moment.

So I guess there is no “right way” of resting or a perfect pattern to follow, which means one has to make the assessment individually for each situation: what is it that would right now assist me in recovering from this specific kind of fatigue? If the tasks one does vary, so does the “damage” done in the process – and so does the method of recovery. If I had just run a marathon I don't think yoga would be the optimal choice for recovery then, lol.

Right, to re-define the word “rest” for myself.

Dictionary definition: cease work or movement in order to relax, refresh oneself or to recover strength; allow to be inactive in order to regain strength, health or energy. (Source: Oxford dictionary)

My old definition of the word “rest”: to be lazy, unproductive and passive; to not give one's all at every moment; to slack off; to justify inaction with imagined weariness.

My new definition of the word “rest”: to live as one with and equal to one's physical body and to take care of it's needs and requirements by allowing it the appropriate way of recharging and recovering from a preceding activity that has caused the body to become stressed, weary, tired, damaged and/or worn out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my physical body has its inescapable limits, be they permanent or temporary, and that in order to keep myself healthy, stable and fully functioning I have got to live according to these limits as there is no way to “transcend” the physical reality for as long as I live within this body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for giving myself rest as I have felt ashamed for my past where I escaped my reality into sleep and entertainment – a state of almost constant rest – and have wanted to “make up to” the opportunities I wasted during those years of escapism by not resting at all or resting as little as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is possible to “make up to” the mistakes of my past, not realizing that these mistakes have already been done and that I cannot “work extra hard” within the present moment to live both for my past and my present as all that my physical body allows me to do is within the borders of the present: I can only live a full NOW, not a full yesterday or tomorrow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign rest a negative energy charge through guilt and shame, not realizing that rest is neither positive nor negative but a requirement of the physical reality – it is what is here – a tool that can be used and/or abused.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that even though the boundaries of one's stamina may be pushed further, there is still a certain limit for how much I am able to do right now and that this limit cannot be crossed – and that this is what makes it impossible to “make up for” my past inaction.

I commit myself to gift myself with rest when and as my physical body indicates it requires it.

I commit myself to find ways to be more sensitive to the needs of my physical body – firstly by building myself a foundation from breathing and moment-to-moment self-awareness.

I commit myself to trust myself to spot the moments when I would be abusing rest to escape my responsibilities as I see, realize and understand that I am capable of noticing when my starting point for resting is not in my physical but in my mind.

I commit myself to realize that fatigue from studying is also physical as it is stress for the brain, and that the fact that the brain is located in the head doesn't mean that this fatigue is some trick of the mind which I have thought to reside in my head – which is starting to look more and more like a fallacy as I'm starting to see, realize and understand that the mind is integrated into the entire body – and that the fatigue caused by studying also requires some form of rest and recovery, whatever that may be.

I commit myself to reserve time for resting in my daily schedule.