11102013
This post is a direct continuation to:
And a part of the following series:
“The thing is, I fear getting too close to people whom I perceive
to be “beggars” - looking for company out of dependency. These
kinds of people I usually kindly turn away, and one of the guys from
yesterday to me appears to be “one of them” - although I really
can't say because I've only met him very briefly. I do not want to
support anyone's addictions, and this is why I find this principle
one that I will stick to, as long as I take care to not assume people
to be what I believe them to be and to communicate myself properly to
the other.”
I am now increasingly anxious about the person I am referring to
here, because I agreed to meet him and simply the discussion on how
we should meet has revealed some points about the both of us that I
find worrying. For now I have been able to direct myself according to
self-honesty, but it has required immense effort as I am not
completely clear on where I stand and how to communicate that to
another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that rejecting a person based on nothing but my initial
feeling of resentment only serves my self-interest and does not
support the other to understand the real reasons behind my refusal,
not to mention I neglect my own process while doing so.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject
another person based on my initial feeling of discomfort instead of
refusing the proposal of another based on the incompatibility of our
starting points at this point of time and space.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel
guilty for rejecting another person, not realizing that it serves the
benefit of the both of us to not direct our time and effort on
something that most likely will not “work out” (become a platform
of actual support for the both of us AND consequently benefit the
rest of the world as well) and that in such a case where this seems
likely it is reasonable to let go and move on.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have
negative expectations about dating, not realizing that a meeting with
a person doesn't have to be about “falling in love” (creating
dependency) and “planning a future” (writing a story in one's
head), but that it can in fact be utilized to map out the foundation
each one's life stands on and to see if they would benefit each
other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider
canceling a date because of the meeting place the other suggested,
not realizing that instead of escaping possible conflict I can
actually direct the situation by communicating why I do not think the
meeting place is good for our meeting and suggesting something else.
[This is what I did after a long-ass struggle with myself, lol, and
it worked out well.]
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that
when/as/if I refuse to keep meeting this person it will create a
“disturbance” in the social structure we interact in – that we
would feel uncomfortable in each other's presence – not realizing
that this can be avoided (or at least I can do my share of preventing
such a situation) through self-honest communication where the “air
is cleared” and no points are left to accumulate under the surface.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust
myself to be able to communicate myself properly in a situation that
is loaded with expectations.
I commit myself to attend to this meeting from the starting point of
mapping out the both of us.
I commit myself to support and assist myself to be clear with myself
throughout the meeting by returning myself to breath and focusing on
my breathing and grounding, thus slowing myself down, and by keeping
track of any reactions/points that may occur during the meeting.
I commit myself to pay attention to my negative expectations (wanting
to see the other in a negative light so that I would have an excuse
to escape him) and to carry responsibility for them by ensuring that
they are not the starting point for my actions and choices.
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