Day 402: Back stabbing

19052014

I listened to this speech by Bernard Poolman, and I started thinking if I have accepted and allowed myself to create and maintain relationships that are causing me harm through secret negative thoughts, attitudes and/or emotions. The idea of us “voodooing” each other, jinxing each other with negative backchat, got me to realize that some of my current physical ailments for example may be the result of unraveled baggage in my relationships towards other people, or more precisely, in others wishing me ill. Because I sense these attitudes, whether I allow myself to actually look at them or not, the anticipation and fear itself may be causing me physical tension and pain.

There are specific points in my family relations that I realized I've not handled with these people directly. I'll begin with these close family relations because they're most crucial in how I've been constructed, and thus the source of any other relationship issues I may have.

• father: shame / disagreement / revulsion / disapproval towards me because I have “turned my back on God” - rejection / lack of acceptance
• sister: envy (mutual), competition
• both brothers: dismissing and belittling them, their lives and achievements (for reasons I don't really know yet, I only just realized that I do this)

Concerning my mother I didn't really find anything. Out of my family I have probably had the most open and communicative relationship with my mother, and this may have made way for cleansing whatever tension there has been between us (because there has been some, if not plenty).

The physical ailments I am referring to here are mainly my shoulder/neck tension issues, which have become chronic during the past few years. I am not sure about the origin point of this specific issue, but from some memories I can gather that 2011, when I was made to realize there was an issue in the first place, I had already been stuck for a while, meaning some years probably. I have recently placed my focus on this specific issue and tried if regular exercise would help with it, but so far I've only seen it to alleviate the symptoms for a little while with the problem itself persisting. Occasionally the pain/tension has been “magically” lifted under completely random circumstances I have not found a pattern out of, but it has always returned. I have considered contacting physiotherapists and other kinds of medical assistance for perspective on this issue, but I haven't done so yet due to lack of time and funding.

When listening to Bernard's metaphor about “back stabbing” it kinda got to me, because my issue is specifically in the back – I can literally feel the stabs, lol – and now that I think of it, the word and concept of “back stabbing” is one that I have used a lot to describe my experiences with abandonment and rejection. Whoa, OK, so this might in fact have more to do with the bullying theme I talked about in my last post than with my family relations.

When I was around 10 years old my school friends all turned their backs on me and refused to have anything to do with me. Because I did not understand why they did this, I later on dubbed their actions as “back stabbing”, doing something hurtful unexpected and unexplained. I then went through experiences that were almost identical when I was 12, 15, 18 and 20: a group of friends suddenly expressed their disapproval towards me, either directly or passive-aggressively, and I responded with whatever coping mechanisms I had available, from aggressive dismissal to submissive withdrawal. I remember that each of these times the rejection came unexpected, even though as time went on I learned to distrust people all the more and to expect the worst. For some reason I still never thought or believed that these people I called my friends would do something so cruel. Now that I think of this pattern and how obvious it is in hindsight, I appear to have been totally blind to the reality of those relationships: to who the others have actually been in relation to me, to how and why our relationships have been formed – to the fact that they were bound to fall apart because of how we lived them out.

It is this attention to relationship forming and the effort to see people (including myself) as they really are that I think have changed my relationships the most and actually broken the cycle I used to repeat every few years. At the moment I think I am building relationships based on more solid ground than ever, prioritizing communication, honesty and self-reflection. So why does my back still feel as if I am being stabbed? Am I afraid of it all starting over again?

I have begun the healing and forgiving process to let go of any bitterness or spite left from these past events, but partially because I have not managed to open lines of communication with some of the key people from the past I am not yet done with this. I fear (or know, or sense) that with specific people there are negative thoughts being harbored towards me, and because people never speak them, never express them, always keep them hidden from daylight, it is difficult for me to transcend what happened and “clear the air” all by myself. It's as if some of the old “stab wounds” are still infected and refuse to heal, and this might be a part of the cause of the persisting physical pain.

Especially with the tension my shoulders tend to stiffen as if they were becoming crystallized, if not constantly opened with exercise or massage – which is when they usually just flame with pain before stiffening again - and this crystallization seems to speak of old wounds being locked in and integrated into my being. I do not wish for this to happen, and I think that I still have a chance to sort myself out before I become a living manifestation of spite, resentment, bitterness, anticipation, distrust and fear.

So what I guess I could do is go through the unresolved relationships (as well as those that appear resolved) in specific detail, mapping out what exactly I fear with each one, how I experienced them, what I desired from them, what it is that is still weighing on me. How do I believe them to perceive me? How would I wish to be perceived? Who are/were they to me, and who am/was I to them? What were the relationships based on? Why did we attract each other? What secrets did we have from each other that tore us apart?

Cool, I'll continue with this mapping. It's cool to know what I'll be writing about next, makes the treshold of writing a bit easier to cross.

Day 401: Trust issues

15052014

I have been writing things down again lately, but I haven't yet been able to produce text comprehensive enough for publishing. This is why today I chose to record a video based on what I had processed in writing and application earlier.

Day 390: Submitting to aggression

26022014

http://www.udes.com

I've come across yet another interesting pattern of self-judgement. I faced a moment at work where I purposefully left a piece of mess for the morning shift to clean up, of which I sent them a message in advance to warn them about it. I was a bit worried about leaving it there, but because I had cleaned the rest of the bar well and even better than usual, I shoved the incidence out of my mind and forgot about it.

Today I received a message from the manager giving me feedback about it, telling me that a mess like that should be cleaned by the evening shift and giving me directions for the cleaning equipment required for it. The message was clear and direct – not hostile or aggressive in any way – yet I reacted to it quite strongly. I instantly started telling myself that I had “fucked up” and “made a mistake”. I went through the situation and saw how I could have done things in a different way, possibly not gaining any different results, but at least trying my best. Basically, I tried to make myself feel better about myself by pointing out all the things I did and have done well, while simultaneously putting myself down by thinking that with this single task “I didn't do my best” because I reasoned out that I don't have to, that I can cut myself some slack. So it was as if I was both whipping and caressing myself at the same time, lol.

I discussed this a bit with the manager now, and because his response was that of common sense, I realized that I was acting very submissive, apologizing and child-like. (Thank you, world, for managers that aren't abusive assholes!) It was like I had lost all self-respect and dignity – like an utterly humbled and broken child. This is a highly interesting facet of myself to see, because my self-image, or self-ideal, is one of an “independent, willful woman”. I would like to be strong and see myself as strong, when in fact I am not, at least in some ways. I have weak spots.

I am not sure where I have learned this pattern of only searching for my value in other people's responses. This isn't anything I would have been actively taught at home, because my family was quite laid back. My best guess is that when entering primary school I got completely sucked into its disciplinary system. I knew none of the kids from before and to me they all appeared to already know each other from preschool; my teachers were idols to me and I yearned for their approval, especially after facing what it's like to not be in their favour. So in order to gain standing in the eyes of my peers and authorities I learned to play the “game of schooling”: doing what I was told to get the best rewards.

It is fascinating to see just how broken I am after a confrontation like this. There was nothing aggressive or purposefully hurtful about it, and yet I crumbled. It's very close to the “good student dilemma” I wrote about recently, where I want to be the “good employee” and thus live within constant strain, as if I was constantly stretching myself from opposite ends while looking around for signs of approval. The anticipation of “did I do something wrong?” met with the feedback today makes for misinterpretations and flipping out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret my employer's message to be blaming and angry by creating an image in my mind the night before about him finding the mess and getting angry at me for not cleaning it up, him blaming me for not doing something that's not his responsibility but mine, thus seeing this image in my mind when I read the message and fitting the message with the image – not realizing that my perception of the message was already fucked because of the image I had crafted out of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is valid for another person to feel angry when they need to do something “unfair” (clean up a mess that's not theirs), thus taking the blame for not doing it for them, not realizing that cleaning up the mess in question wouldn't have been “fair” for me either because I didn't cause it – and that essentially there is nothing that is “fair” or “unfair” in this world as we are all a part of the same organism that has created and will create itself and the circumstances it's within: we're all a part of a species that allows its members to get drunk enough to puke all over bathroom floors, so somebody's got to clean that shit up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit when somebody directs their anger at me – real or imagined! - thus accepting whatever accusations and demands if they seem in any way plausible to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to anger/aggression by submitting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear anger and aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that anger and aggression are simply individuals' reactions to what there is and not valid feedback on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that anger and aggression are valid because I saw my father using them when I was a child.

When and as I see myself reacting to anger and/or aggression, I stop, I breathe and I search myself for any feelings of smallness, inadequacy and shame. I look at my thoughts and pinpoint what exactly I am thinking. I remind myself that I am not in school anymore, that no one can bully me anymore, that no one no longer has the power to decide my worth for me based on arbitrary demands. I check myself to see whether I am in fact imagining the anger/aggression, as this is what I am prone to do, or whether the aggression is actually there. I remind myself that anger/aggression are reactions to how a person experiences the reality and not necessarily valid statements of the reality itself, and that a person's emotional reaction is not an indicator of who I am but of the person him/herself. I breathe and I follow through the situation by focusing on my self-assessment.

I commit myself to stop being a floormat. (lol)

I commit myself to stop validating aggressive reactions by counter-reacting to them.

I commit myself to investigate how and why I create mental images where I am attacked, thus creating a fearful stance towards the world.

I commit myself to reconsider before I apologize.

Day 380: Continuing on Waking up efficiently

15012014

This post is a continuation to my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for sleeping “too much”, not questioning my definition of “too much sleep”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 6 hours of sleep to be the ideal amount of sleep with no real evidence of this actually being the amount of sleep that my body needs to recharge, thus also defining less than 6 hours as “too little” sleep and more than 6-7 hours “too much” sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not living up to my ideals, not realizing that my ideals have not been constructed according to the physical reality to function as goals that support my living, but that I have instead constructed my ideals based on what others appear to be doing and what I ought to do to be as good as others – to be accepted by others – to not be less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I cannot construct my sleeping patterns efficiently, I will have failed as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my worth based on how efficiently and supportively I structure my life, thus feeling like a failure when something doesn't work out (such as sleeping at the moment), not realizing that my definition of “supportive structuring” is based only on how much I get done / how much I achieve or accomplish, thus ignoring e.g. my physical and mental well-being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I sleep more than 7 hours I am “wasting time” that I could instead use on “getting stuff done”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my body might need more than 7 hours of sleep depending on what it's recovering from, and that forcing myself out of bed without sufficient rest is to compromise my health as well as my ability to “get stuff done”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “getting stuff done” (work, study, whatever tasks I have) is sustainable when and as and ONLY when it's done in consideration of the physical reality – such as the well-being of my body, the physical organism I inhabit.

• I commit myself to stop compromising sleep, rest and recovery in order to achieve merit in the eyes of others.
• I commit myself to arrange myself enough time for sleep, rest and recovery; In cases where I need to momentarily compromise my sleep/rest, I commit myself to arrange myself time to recover from this compromise sufficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are two kinds of tiredness – a physical and a mental tiredness – and that when I wake up in the morning I am able to discern between the two, and thus also able to understand and decide whether to stay in bed or to get up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when I have woken up in the morning, to ignore my awareness of the fact that I am mentally tired and continue sleeping regardless of my awareness of this fact with the excuse that “I have nothing to do” - “I might as well sleep more”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I stay in bed out of mental tiredness I am escaping something in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that getting out of bed is a burdensome task, thus anticipating the moment of getting up and all the things I need to do, thus creating a desire to stay in bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards my morning routine (washing up, yoga, cleaning the dishes) because I have found some of the tasks difficult and burdensome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards my morning yoga exercise because often when I do it I need to push myself over a threshold out of my comfort zone even though I know my entire body will feel better after the yoga.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the resistance towards yoga, thus skipping some mornings and eventually not doing it at all, thus also making it easier for me to give in to the resistance to get out of bed at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that expansion and growth requires constant pushing and discomfort before it becomes an effortless part of my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to integrate yoga and exercise into my living – a form of physical self-care – I need to unwind the roots and habits of stagnation I have grown and become tangled up with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that slouching, dragging my feet, sitting down and being still in the morning when I wake up is a habit of not moving – a habit that I can change and replace with another – and that I have learned this method of waking up by observing the people I grew up with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my family's culture of waking up – making oneself as comfortable as possible to “soften the blow” – is not the only possible way of starting one's day.

• I commit myself to do my yoga routine each morning, unless I am physically unable to do it (sickness etc), as I now see, realize and understand that getting used to this small push every morning I get myself used to discomfort, thus supporting myself with all situations where I need to deal with discomfort in order to grow and expand. (This is pretty cool now that I think of it this way!)
• I commit myself to expand my yoga routine little by little, adding one move to the routine when and as the routine needs more physical challenge.
• I commit myself to experiment with other forms of morning exercise, such as taking a walk or running.
• I commit myself to do something physical every morning before I have breakfast.
• I commit myself to explore what else I could do before I have breakfast, for example writing, studying and meditation.

Also, an idea I got in the last post that I want to try out:

• When and as I do not have anything to wake up to the following morning - such as a meeting, a lecture or work - I commit myself to go through my tasks for the day in the previous evening and decide on the first task I will tackle the following day.

It's been working out well so far!

Note to self: the word "efficient" has a negative tone to me, and using it here makes it feel as if waking up "efficiently" couldn't be enjoyable but that I'd be gritting my teeth while doing it, lol. I'll return to this word and the concept of efficiency in posts to come.

Day 249: Fear of exposing myself through singing

02-032013

Singing at my father's wedding in 2011.

Today I faced an interesting fear. I was spending my day on a nice, calm residential area and had no plans but to sit around reading and writing and maybe connecting with people if I got the chance to. I ended up sitting next to the local subway station and while I was watching the people flow by I realized that this would be a perfect spot and a perfect moment for street performing, which I had planned on doing during my trip if I got the chance and if I started to run out of money. I had thought about doing this a couple times before, but I had always had an excuse not to, but this time I had all the practical elements in order and so there were no excuses left not to do it.

Once the idea got to me I noticed that at first I was already about to do it – like, “alright, this would be suitable now, I'll do it”, just seeing the practicality and acting upon it - but then I was stopped by a paralyzing fear. It was not a verbalized thought that stopped me, but a feeling, something that made my heart beat really fast and hard. I am not sure what the initial starting point was for my nervousness to arise.

So I little by little physically moved myself into a position where all I had left to do was to lay down my money cup and start singing. This is where I got stuck for about a half an hour. I asked myself: What do I fear? Who am I right now? And I moved through many layers of self-awareness, where I admitted to my fears and demons and saw myself for who I was within my fears and my motivation. Eventually when I had already gone through all this I noticed that I was simply looping, repeating the same thought patterns over and over again, and I realized that all that was left to do was to actually move myself. I told myself: “I am not leaving here until I do this.” I tried to move my hand to lay down the cup but I stopped myself mid-way. I tried again with the exact same result. I then decided to move myself completely, got up from the bench, moved around a bit standing up, up and down, laid my cup down and just pushed through the resistance and started to sing – and from that moment on it was easy, things went smoothly, I enjoyed myself, others seemed to enjoy me and I/we had a lot of fun. So I had to actually change my position entirely: the sitting position I had been stuck in for a half an hour was a manifestation of my fear and hesitation and it was necessary to move myself out of it to shake off the fear.

A fucking insanely difficult threshold to cross, especially concerning by background in performance arts, but I did it! And I can actually see that from now on doing the same thing will be easier because I have already proven to myself that my fears were invalid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my singing is not as good that I believe it to be and that I will embarrass myself by singing in public without a band to back me up.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give authority to the experience of embarrassment by losing my stance and separating myself from myself with self-judgement when and as I have perceived and believed others to judge me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that embarrassment is an experience I create in my mind based on guesswork, interpretations and a distorted self-image and that this experience is in no way whatsoever based on reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my voice and singing alone is not enough to count as a performance, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief as an excuse not to sing on the streets alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I wish to have a band or other singers to back me up because when I am alone I will not be just a performance but I will be exposing myself in public.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to others in public through my singing as self-expression as I have not faced and embraced myself within and as that act of self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-expression by not standing within and as myself when and as I sing in the presence of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that there is a standard I need to reach to be accepted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that once I accept and embrace myself I will show myself to others in self-honesty, which enables others to accept me as well as I grant them access to my real self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scenarios where others would show their disapproval of my self-expression, because I have learned to fear this in my childhood where my peers bullied me because of how I expressed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of the judgement of others is based on a childhood misconception that I am defined by the opinions of others, and that this fear is thus not valid as I now see, realize and understand that the opinions of others are manifestations of who they are, not of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my ability to sing as I have perceived and believed this ability to be defined by technical skills alone, not realizing that the ability to sing is also composed of self-expression which has nothing to do with physical technique – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for both the technical and expressive ability that I do in fact have when and as I sing without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my lack of education in singing techniques as an excuse not to perform and as evidence for my perception that my skills are less than they actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and suppress my self-expression with a distorted self-image and with excuses that put the blame for this on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sing from the starting point of impressing others with my skills, not singing to express myself but to present an image of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of singing alone in public is not about facing others but about facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself when and as I sing by considering what others might want to hear me sing, not realizing that I cannot possibly know this and that the “best guess” is just to sing what I enjoy singing as that is the most self-honest approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear singing because I am then fully exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes when I sing because I want to maintain a self-image of flawlessness, reacting to all mistakes by “pulling back” from my self-expression and from then on “playing it safe” - not realizing that everyone makes mistakes and that they can be utilized for learning, growth and expansion of skill.

I commit myself to embrace moments of making mistakes when singing as moments of humanity – in other words, I commit myself to embrace my flaws as moments of learning by checking what led me to that particular mistake and what could be done differently.

I commit myself to utilize upcoming opportunities to perform in public and to embrace those moments as self-expression and communication.

When and as I face the fear of singing in public – I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that I can rely on myself to be here for me and with me. I realize that my fear of others is based on the misconception that other people are not like me and cannot/will not sympathize with me. I realize that I am here to express myself to and communicate with others through the tool of singing. I breathe and stabilize myself and align myself with all of my physical existence. I then proceed to push through the threshold of fear by letting my voice flow from me in full strength within and as the realization that the threshold is actually imaginary as I will remain HERE just the same before and after crossing it, and that the threshold will get smaller each and every time I cross it.

I commit myself to sing in the presence of others from the starting point of self-expression as I see, realize and understand that this is the only way my singing will be self-honest communication with others and not an ego show.

I commit myself to investigate the experience of embarrassment by stopping and breathing when and as I experience embarrassment and/or fear the experience of embarrassment, thus becoming aware of it and not accepting and allowing these moments to slip by.

Day 231: Departure

11052013

I described to a friend the horror of going on a trip like watching a train heading at you: the waiting is full of anticipation and it feels like the moment of impact is never going to come – but once the impact does happen it's no big deal, it doesn't feel like something major just happened.

I am now traveling and I don't feel any different. There has been days, weeks and months of preparation and anticipation plus a last-minute rush – and now that I am here, there is nothing, no major feeling of “being alive” or “freedom” or “adventuring” - I am simply here, directing myself within my surroundings and circumstances. I knew how it would be so I was not expecting it to feel “big”, although there is a relief that all the hurry is now over. It will just be replaced with different kind of activity.

In reality there was a practical threshold of getting certain stuff done within a certain time period so that I was able to depart, but imagining there to be some kind of a “magic border” beyond which I and the reality would be “different” is simply not real. I am me, I breathe just the same as I did two days ago – and the reality is the same as it was before I got here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reality does not consist of “phases”, “chapters” and “stories” even though the human mind conceives and dissects it so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe and thus forget that life is a constant continuum of breath in which each and every breath is equal, and that thus giving some periods of life more value or emphasis than others is to create and believe “meanings” (connections in the mind/brain) that do not actually exist in the physical reality if not as the consequences of the actions I commit in the name of these beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine a threshold/border/line beyond which living would feel different and I would feel different, not realizing that even though this threshold is determined by the physical reality (requirements of time and matter) it does not mean it's real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a person can change oneself by changing one's surroundings, not realizing that change requires one to accept and allow change within oneself and that this cannot be replaced by external change although external change may support internal change.

The most noticeable change I have seen in myself after my entrance exams and since I left home is that I allow myself to lay back without becoming limp – I have feared letting myself just be because I have feared it would lead to laziness, passiveness and ignorance. I now see it is not relevant to worry over this, because I can trust myself to be self-honest about my living. During this spring it's like there's been this nagging voice in my head passing guilt all over me which has driven me to do things. Now there is no guilt moving me, just necessity. This is important to notice because it is essential that I find such a way of working that doesn't consume me. I can see that during my latest work spree I was still partly motivated by guilt, and this is not a constructive starting point for work. If I now find myself moved by necessity – why not while working? I guess stress plays a major part here because within stress the work load looks “bigger” and thus “impossible” which replaces common sensical necessity with fear, self-judgement and guilt (“I have to get this done”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to motivate myself to work through guilt instead of realizing that all living is about necessity – what is necessary to be done to direct myself to the direction I have chosen – not trusting necessity to be obvious to me if I simply stop and breathe and instead writing a motivation script in my mind (“I do X because of Y”) so that I would not become immobile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that trusting myself to see necessity without the mind would result with me being passive and not doing anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear becoming passive and immobile as I have feared not being “worthy of life” and that I would then be a disgrace to all life on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my self-trust will backfire, not realizing that I am the one to decide whether or not I live up to my trust and that to doubt myself is to give in to helplessness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is necessary to motivate myself with thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is necessary to motivate myself with emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that a motivation that is based on what is actually here is most efficient, because it directly addresses actual needs and thus comes up with direct solutions.

I commit myself to investigate my activity levels and participation in life during this trip when I don't “have to” do anything at all on top of surviving in order to find and stabilize myself into a state of being from which it would be constructive to work and be a functioning member of my society.

I commit myself to practice breathing by returning myself to breath whenever I fall out of it as I see, realize and understand that the state where I live as breath is the closest I'll get to my “true self”.