Day 309: Using “time” as an excuse not to face things

05092013

Continuing with a realization from yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse not to face things I have a resentment towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that “not having time” is the real reason I “cannot” do the things I resent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about the resentment I feel and believe it to be justified to escape the things I resent because I “don't have time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I am asked to do something I resent, to react to my resentment by saying “I don't have time”, refusing to have anything to do with it, expecting people to believe my excuse and to leave me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent a request to arrange a meeting to a group because I assume this group to not have any substance in their meetings – which I do not actually know as I have never been present – using “not having time” as an excuse with which to escape the situation and avoid voicing my disagreement about the group.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse to escape a situation I fear will turn into conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent a request to meet a person because I assume this person to want to see me out of addiction/dependency, thus using “not having time” as an excuse to escape having to communicate my doubts about this person's behavior to the person directly.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse not to communicate in self-honesty because I fear it will lead to conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent a request to arrange an event when at a meeting because I did not expect to be handed tasks and responsibilities when I went to the meeting – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to be in the organizing committee even though I knew I cannot take any more tasks or responsibilities due to my studies, as I did not want to tell the group directly that there's something more important to me at the moment and rather came up with a “back gate”, a plan B where I can later tell them indirectly that I can no longer participate because “I don't have time”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that “not having time” is a valid reason to drop out of projects mid-way and trust that others will thus not hold a grudge against me – that I will through this avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent attending any events organized by a group because I perceive the events to be based on escapism and entertainment, thus feeling relieved when I have a solid excuse not to participate (“I don't have time” because of studying) because with this excuse I can avoid voicing my point of view which I fear will trigger conflict.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait around for an excuse which will “save me” from doing things I don't want to do as I have not wanted to communicate directly and face the conflict that it might possibly arouse.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to direct myself and my life by living in a compromise until something/someone comes up to “save me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resentment towards chatting online with a person who is asking for my help because I have felt like chatting with him is wearing me out, as if I was carrying the mantle of “authority” or an “educator” during our discussions and thus draining myself by upholding a “higher” position, therefore reacting to his attempts to contact me by thinking “not again”, “I don't have time for this” and sometimes ignoring his attempts.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make these discussions tiring for myself by not wanting to explain myself many times (refining and simplifying my words time after time so that the other would understand) as I have believed and perceived that my effort is in vain as our discussions “lead nowhere” and that the other is “not getting it”, not realizing that I do not see the actual process he is going through and thus cannot really make an assessment of whether he is “getting it” or not – and that through this process of explaining, refining and simplifying – which requires great effort from me – I am actually learning A LOT precisely because it is painful, uncomfortable and requires me to push over and over again.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent discussing with this person because it requires me to step out of my comfort zone and to justify avoiding this person by thinking “I don't have time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse to avoid facing conflict and stepping out of my comfort zone.

When and as I see myself using the phrase “I don't have time for X” I stop, I breathe and I ask myself if this is really true – if in fact my schedule is full - or if I am just saying this to avoid doing something. I ask myself: why do I not want to do X? I investigate the point (in writing if necessary) and I release it with self-forgiveness and breathing. I then proceed within and as the realization that only by stepping out of my comfort zone and going towards that which I resent I expand myself and my reality.

I commit myself to investigate my fear of conflict and how it links to practical application (or the lack of it).

As I see, realize and understand that time alone is not a real reason to do or not to do things – because schedules can always be rearranged as they are not “set in stone” but created in our conceptual realities – I commit myself to no longer use and present “not having time” as a reason for doing/not doing things but to seek for the real reason why I will/won't rearrange my schedule for something/someone and to communicate this actual reason to the ones involved.

To support the commitment above, I commit myself to communicate my actual reason for “not having time” even when/as/if I am not specifically asked for a reason, as I see, realize and understand that people have a tendency to assume a reason and to believe their assumption in complete silence – which, if not actively corrected right away, may have consequences in the long run. In other words: I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to use this “silent agreement” to avoid communicating the things I fear voicing.

Days 307-308: Stolen time

03-04092013

I'm totally stealing ALL your precious moments! ... oh, but this is just a clock.

Recently my schedule has filled up explosively due to university, work, social life, organizations and recreational activities, and I am getting increasingly anxious. I see myself thinking of others as “time thieves” when they seek for my attention/time/effort and I easily get frustrated with others because I'm thinking “I don't have time for this!”, yet I don't actually do anything about it – I never address the fact that I am busy but rather try to participate in everything out of obligation. I end up not finishing my tasks because after all the struggling with the “time thieves” I am too exhausted to properly utilize the time that remains of my day and rather just indulge in entertainment to “recharge”.

But in reality the schedule seems much worse than it actually is, and a lot of the things I have taken into my life are flexible and even removable if that's what's required. When I take one day at a time, one activity at a time, one moment at a time I see that I actually have time quite plentifully, especially because of the flexibility of things. So this is about my perspective as well as feeling obligated to participate. I am intimidated by my calendar stretching to weeks and months ahead when I should be focusing on the NOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look at my schedule and perceive it to be “full”, flipping through the pages of my calendar and getting intimidated by the amount of work I have to get done in a short span of time – not realizing that in between this moment and (for example) the moment I get my last exam of this year done are countless of inhales and exhales, countless of moments of breath when I can little by little through consistency work my way towards getting my workload done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my workload seem bigger than it is by thinking about how little I get done each day, not realizing that that little in time accumulates up to big results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with frustration to people I perceive to be “demanding” for my time, effort and attention, blaming them for “stealing my time”, not realizing that I am the one who chooses how to “spend” my time – not them – and that it is thus my responsibility to make sure that I have enough time to complete my tasks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not refuse a person requesting for my time because I have not wanted to insult them – I have wanted to avoid conflict – I have not wanted to tell another that I perceive them to not be “worthy” of my time at the moment – that I have something “more important” to do; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to please and to help others because if I wouldn't they might react, feel bad and blame their reaction on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect my tasks and responsibilities because I have feared being self-honest with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I spend my time on others out of obligation I am living within the experience “I don't want to be here” - and when I'm still there even though I don't want to I create friction and strain within myself as I am “pulled” to another direction that I am walking in, thus making myself more exhausted than I would be after simply being there and moving myself within and as breath – thus requiring a “recharge” by pumping myself with energy through entertainment (media, food, people, excess sleep) to be able to function again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will “run out of time” - that my life will not be enough for all the things I want to / should get done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that time can be “stolen” - that time is a resource I have stacked in a vault somewhere – not realizing that time is a measurement for the movement of matter, not matter itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that time is something that I “have” or “possess” - “I don't have time for this”, “I'm wasting my time”, “my time is precious” - not realizing that I do not “have” time because as movement and Life I am time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that time is the relationship between that which exists and how it moves – and that time itself doesn't really exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I think “I don't have time for X” what I mean by it is that I don't want to move to the direction of X – I don't want to rearrange my life in such a way that would allow me to move to X.

(For example, I could say “I don't have time to cook”, when in fact it is just about me not wanting to rearrange my other activities so that I could cook, usually because it feels like too much of a burden.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that eventually I will run out of time – when I die – and that it is the inevitability of the loss of all time that scares me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my “time” (life) will run out before I've completed everything that I want/need/desire to do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Life is not about gathering up experiences into a “perfect life story” which I could after this Life look back on to feel successful and good about myself – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that Life is not about how much I live but about how I live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “successfulness” of my life is not measured in stories I gather into my mind but in each and every breath because the stories do not exist in the NOW - only breath does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “success” of my studying is not measured in how fast I get my degree but in how effectively I learn.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel that in my life I am in a hurry, as if I was running somewhere, wanting to already be 5 years from here when I'd have my degree and could “get on” with my life – not realizing that the 5 years ahead of me are crucial concerning my future and that I should not try to “fast forward” them, but instead slow down and live each and every moment of these years within and as breath.

--

I also did some private SF on a specific "time thief", and while doing it I realized that most of these cases are actually not about time at all, but about a resentment I feel towards the "time thief", be it a person, activity or an organization. In this particular case the resentment was about a person with whom I can't seem to be able to bring any substance into our interaction. So here the issue was apparently about time - "wasting my time" on something that bears no fruit - but underneath that it was actually about me wanting to escape a person in the presence of whom I felt like I couldn't direct myself, which I then covered up by thinking "I don't have time". I think I need to open this point up a little more later.

--

I commit myself to slow myself down in breath to focus on one task at a time within and as the realization that if my focus is on the things I have to get done in the future I will half-ass what I'm doing NOW.

I commit myself to assist and support myself to get my tasks done properly by making myself a realistic schedule which also allows me space to rest.

I commit myself to focus primarily on my studies and the activities that directly support my studies, and only focus on other things when/as/if there is time left for other things.

When and as I get frustrated with something/someone that I perceive to be “stealing my time” - I stop and I breathe. I realize that I am blaming my own experience of anxiety on the other and abdicating my responsibility for managing my own life. I realize I am driven by the fear of “running out of time” (death) and the fear of failure, which have nothing to do with the “time thief”. I release the blame with self-forgiveness and breathing, and I do the same with my anxiety and fears by grounding myself in breath and reminding myself I am HERE. I check myself for any resentment towards the “time thief” which I might be justifying with “not having time”. I ask myself why I resent spending time on the “time thief” keeping in mind that time is most likely not the actual issue. I direct myself within and as the realization that I will learn the most where I feel uncomfortable.

Day 306: How dare you!

02092013

Lately I've been going through the point of reacting with anger to seeing injustice, ignorance or some form of wrong-doing. This point arose when I encountered a homeless man on the street and reacted to the behavior of the other people that were present. A friend gave me some perspective on what happens within that moment of reaction and I found it really helpful.

Just now I faced this point again within a different context, and because it happened to fit this topic precisely I figured I might as well just write it out immediately. Quite cool, huh!

Me and the other administrators at our theatre have been trying to arrange a meeting with one of the city officials to negotiate the terms under which we operate in the facilities we are using. For some years now there has been an ongoing passive-aggressive conflict between this specific city official and the chairman of our theatre group. Our chairman has spoken of this official with heavily emotional words due to her frustration, and while I have tried to keep a neutral position to this person and this mess we are trying to solve – because I simply do not know enough of it and have never even met this official - some of our chairman's words have gotten to me and I have in fact adopted some of her negativity. The “evidence” for her claims has been “convincing” enough for me to believe her interpretation of the situation.

I noticed this just now when I was checking on the details of the meeting we had agreed for tomorrow and found out that the official had to cancel the meeting and now suggested another date and time. I reacted by saying: “I knew it!” This meaning that I had already assumed this official to be disrespectful and inconsiderate towards us based on what I have seen and heard of her actions and attitude so far. There's six of us trying to fit our schedules with hers, and she won't even let us know until we call her the last minute?! That's fucking rude!

But I realized while I was huffing and puffing and swearing in my anger that I was doing it again: I already had an image / assumption about who this city official is based on what I have heard of her in the past; I was interpreting the happenings according to my image/assumption of her; I reacted according to my interpretation; I found my reaction justified; and thus, I held onto my reaction and just wanted to express my anger instead of finding a solution to what I perceived to be “wrong”/unjust (another being inconsiderate).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an image into my mind of a person I have never even interacted with based on what other people have told me about her and my following interpretations of what her influence might have been on actual events/happenings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the justifications others have given for their emotional reactions towards this person, accepting and allowing them to react and be emotional as I have believed that it is enough if I do not react – not realizing that if there's even one person within the group who is allowed to remain angry it will influence the entire group unless we're all stable – which we are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret each new “story” I have heard of this person throughout the years according to what I have heard of her in the past, remembering the anger of others, believing and perceiving that I'm looking at a chain of unjust events when in fact I do not know what actually happened in the past, nor what happened in the present; I do not know who this person is and the consistent anger of others is not “evidence” of this person's unjust nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by another's consistent anger/negativity/frustration by creating a belief that her anger is justified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though what I see here may actually have been a chain of unjust events, the reactions these events have triggered in others are still not justifiable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not know why this person canceled the meeting – there's a million reasons why one would have to cancel an appointment at the last minute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this person canceled the meeting out of ill will, spite and malice based who I believe her to be – who she is as an image in my mind – not realizing that I have seen no actual indication of ill will, spite or malice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that second-hand information is never fully reliable no matter how much I would like to trust its source.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further amplify my reaction of anger by thinking “I am very busy – I went through all this trouble to fit this into my schedule – it will be SO HARD to arrange another appointment – AAAAAA that's so fucking rude of her!” - blaming my own hardship* of arranging a schedule on another.

* A heaviness which I create myself and which doesn't actually exist in the physical reality outside of my conceptual reality.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified to blame a person I have defined as “disrespectful”, “unjust” and “ignorant” (blame-worthy) for my self-created hardship.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that arranging a schedule is difficult, burdensome, hard and demanding and that it is a “big” task – not realizing that people's lives constantly flow and fluctuate and change and that schedules must follow this nature of living – and that arranging a schedule is thus nothing but taking the building blocks of your life and putting them in an order that works best for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a schedule that seems to work best for me, not taking into consideration that when there are other people involved I must find an arrangement that works best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I heard about the meeting being canceled because I assumed the meeting to have been canceled out of malice, not realizing that my interpretation of what's happening is not based on facts gathered NOW, in the present moment, but on images, stories and memories from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is unfair and untrue to evaluate a person based on stories and memories from the past, as I then do not take into consideration who that person is NOW – and that NOW is all that actually matters in time and space as Life is but an ongoing NOW-moment; the past and present do not exist anymore/yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know who a person is even though I have never interacted with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this person a chance to show me who she is; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a chance to see who this person is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reaction of anger by thinking “she is doing wrong” - not realizing that if she indeed is doing something that is not best for all, getting angry about it is not going to change anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what I can do to find a solution for a situation where a lot of people are trying to fit their schedules together and instead lock myself into anger and blame one of these people for “making it difficult” - not realizing that if I experience arranging (this) appointment a “burden” it is my creation and thus my responsibility.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to be aware of the “baggage” of negativity that I have adopted from others concerning her; and I commit myself to look at who she actually is, allowing no bullshit (assumptions, filters, guesswork, hostility, negativity) from myself.

I commit myself to check myself for any want/need/desire to be "above" this person as this approach through arrogance is nothing but a defense mechanism.

I commit myself to ask myself why I fear this person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person based on the stories I have heard of her, not realizing that if she were in fact to abuse her position of authority and power as the stories tell, it would simply mean the end of our theatre as it is at the moment - not the end of the world, that is - and that even that moment of destruction would have many opportunities and open doors.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to stop, breathe and stabilize myself into my physical body. I will engage in eye contact with her and if possible, seek for a physical connection point as well (i.e. handshake). I will expect nothing but the best of her and I will allow her to unravel as she will. I will live as an example by being self-honest, expressive and kind, yet allowing no bullshit from her or anyone else.

I commit myself to seek an understanding of this person as one with and equal to me by placing myself "in her shoes".

--

On a more general scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I see something I perceive and believe to be “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” - within this reaction stating “this is not what I want MY world to be!” - thus manifesting my helplessness, worry and distress through anger, blaming another for “making” my world a bad place, not realizing that the actual cause of a human being acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” is not in the individual alone but in all of society, in all its participants and its structures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I see another acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong”, blaming the other for ruining my reality, not realizing that who the other is within their “unjust”/”ignorant”/”wrong” expression is a manifestation of what the society and the world is – and thus also an expression of who I am, as I am a part of this society/world.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is not “the other” who is ruining my reality but all of us combined, and that it is our responsiblity to assist and support each other to correct what we can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for their mistakes instead of supporting and assisting them to see their mistake and correct their behavior - and/or everyone making the same mistake by studying and addressing the actual cause of the misbehavior and living as an example of self-direction.

I commit myself to study the world I live in - my world! our world! - in order to see, realize and understand the reasons behind the current manifestations of injustice and ignorance so that I may be able to contribute to the solution to these issues.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger to an act of injustice or ignorance - I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am passing the blame for what the world is at the moment onto another person, when in fact we are all responsible for such manifestations of a dysfunctional world. I breathe and I check myself for similar behavior: would I act in a similar way and why? I remind myself that I do not know the exact reasons behind this particular act other than it most likely being connected to fear on some level. I realize that my anger is not justified, and I remind myself that acting through anger will only serve my ego, as I would be trying to enforce "correct behavior" to make my world appear "OK" again. I let go of my anger with self-forgiveness and breathing*. When and as my anger has dissolved I have another look at the situation to see what actually happened - not what I believe to have happened - and I continue with the situation according to common sense, self-honesty and what is best for all.

*If I fail at letting go of the anger in the moment of breath, I commit myself to continue writing about this point until it is done.

Day 288: Fear of a group disowning me

08 & 10082013

Both a symbolic and a concrete depiction of what group work can be.

Before and during this trip I made several decisions on how to reorganize my life. My main occupation is changing from restaurant work into studying, and I am happy about that, even though I will be doing restaurant work as a part-time job to be able to support myself. I have been working through my disdain towards restaurant work and at the moment I do not feel resistance to it, although I do think that I will have to return to this topic when I actually start working again and face the points there that I haven't yet dealt with.

I am happy to be studying because I will be “allowed” to educate myself as an occupation, as a main responsibility. This will allow me to focus on self-development more than ever since childhood when my parents took care of my living. Many people have told me that studying is hard, and I am prepared for it, I know it's not going to be a peachy fantasy scenario of a Hermione sitting in a magical library with piles of books and magical answers – the reality of having to read through piles of books is really darn harsh, lol.

So, to make room for this completely new kind of an occupation - as I do not yet know what exactly it's going to be like, how much time it's going to take, how I change as a result – I have decided to no longer participate in theatre or movie projects. Cutting down on filmmaking is relatively easy because the group that I used to work in kind of collapsed and is no longer functioning, and not giving into the temptation to roll into castings is not a big deal since I didn't do that much anyway. But theatre is an entirely different challenge. I have literally lived in that theatre for the past 14 years of my life (and as I am only 24 years old, that is quite a lot). I enjoy the work that we do because it allows me freedom of expression and possibilities to try new creative things, new media, new venues, new ideas. I also very much like the people there because they are my friends as well as partners – they are the only solid group of friends that I have – and this is the reason I started to write about this topic today, because I realized I am tempted to waver from my decision simply because I miss these people and would be overjoyed to spend time with them. I feel like not participating I would be missing out on something, and I fear that the group will stop recognizing me as a part of them. I fear that I will lose them.

So why am I attracted to their company? What is it I receive when I am with them? Who am I with them? How do we spend our time together? And why do I see them “special” enough to feel that I am losing something essential by not having them as a constant part of my life? There will be other people, after all - I will not be alone – and I am not turning my back on these people completely and burning bridges, no. There is nothing personal in recognizing the reality of there being limited hours in a day and how that affects the formation of my social circles.

Rambling:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the people who have been participating in my self-expression have something to do with my self-expression, that my self-expression is dependent on these people, not realizing that even though these people provide the circumstances in which I have opportunities to express myself in certain ways, I am the one moving myself to take these opportunities and thus the one to take credit for what I do and live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I can be grateful for the circumstances these people have provided through their own self-expression without making it a point of dependency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my surroundings are responsible for who I am within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am responsible for who I am within the surroundings I am, and that I am also responsible for being within those surroundings in the first place; I never just “happen to be there”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give credit for / direct blame towards my surroundings (people, facilities, activities) for who I am within my surroundings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give credit for my self-expression for the people in my surroundings when in fact I have accepted and allowed myself to express myself a certain way by not being afraid of the response of my environment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel “safe” to express myself with the people in my theatre.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even with the people in my theatre I am expressing the personality I am comfortable with in that environment – the “who I am” of theatre – and that I rarely go past the limits of my comfort zone even within theatre, and even then within the guidelines of that specific theatre culture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in theatre I am “free” in my self-expression, when this is in fact not true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I am not in the presence of the people from theatre, I will be unable to be “free” in my self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I have defined as “free self-expression” within this theatre context is a very specific kind of form of expression which I rarely utilize in any other social environment – and that the fact that this expression is rare does not mean that it is “more true” than any other form of expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear utilizing this kind of self-expression in other contexts because I have feared that it will not be understood and that people will then judge me.

[I have been expanding the limits of this little by little. For example, there is a theatre exrcise I have used on the streets: I imitate the different ways people walk (without getting caught, lol) – not to mock them, not to build a caricature, but to understand why they move the exact way they do. This has been a really cool way to learn about physiology, character building and personalities.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge me for singing, dancing, improvised movement, using my voice unconventionally and using touch in communication because these forms of expression are not common in most people's everyday lives.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the fact that these forms of expression are not present in people's everyday lives means that they are not wanted – not realizing that the reason these forms of expression are not present in everyday lives is because we as a civilization have habitualized ourselves to a very narrow scope of expression, and that to broaden that scope is to introduce these forgotten ways of self-expression through re-habitualization – by simply doing it and encouraging others to join in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that utilizing these tools of self-expression (sing, dance, voice, movement, touch) would result in nobody understanding me and nobody joining in – not realizing that it would not matter even if nobody expressed acceptance if my actions indeed were self-expression, which in itself is self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-expression is self-acceptance – to express myself is to face and embrace who I am in that point of time and space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will focus on how “well” I express myself (how well I sing, dance, move etc.) and thus become inhibited from joining in – which is the opposite of what happens within (our) theatre, where joy of expression is primary and skill secondary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason why people are likely to not join in with these forms of expression outside of theatre is the fact that they have not had the opportunity, the support nor the tools to develop such self-intimacy and self-confidence that one learns when doing performing arts – and that it is thus unreasonable to expect people to know how to “join in” when all they have done throughout their lives is suppressed sitting, walking and talking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will become alienated from this group of people when and as I stop participating in our usual activity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I do not participate in theatre work these people will see me as “not one of them” and that I will lose their acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that no matter what I do and don't do with any person in this world, I am one with and equal to each and every living being and thus cannot become truly separate from anyone as alienation is an illusion created in the mind; In the physical reality we are of the same matter and of the same LIFE no matter what thoughts may run through our minds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I fear “not belonging” I simultaneously desire “to belong”, and that as I within this desire already state that there is something I am not part of, I myself create a separation inbetween me and the others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that regardless of my fears and desires I am already a part of everything and that nothing can thus be taken away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust these people to appreciate me for who I am even if I no longer wish to support the things they do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please people so that they would like me – not realizing that it is not “me” who they are then appreciating but my representation of who I believe they want me to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see my theatre group as something I have to “earn” my way into through actions that are considered valuable, not realizing that while this is to an extent true (if I do nothing within a group then I am not really a part of it) these “rules of access” are man-made that can be abused to distance myself from the physical reality where we are all just people of equal value, not judges who judge each other, pass punishments and grant each other privileges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though I will no longer spend time with these people as much as before, which will lead to us developing apart from each other (not necessarily to opposite directions) and having less to do with each other in our lives, I am not separate from them in fact and thus do not have to fear losing anyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing this group of friends because to me they represent functioning groupwork and a supportive social environment – things I haven't found anywhere else yet on this scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to introduce and construct functioning groupwork and supportive social environments myself into places where they do not yet exist based on what I have learned while working in theatre.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay within my theatre environment because there the above-mentioned concepts already exist and work and thus I don't have to implement anything new to make things work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear leaving theatre behind and moving onto new social environments and new challenges because there I would have to take what I've learned and adjust it into practice in circumstances where it might be strange, difficult and effortful – not realizing that in terms of development (mine and others') this might be exactly what needs to be done precisely because it is uncomfortable.

Conclusion:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the end of an era.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive life to consist of “eras”, as if life was split into chapters like a book, not realizing that in reality there is only this one constant NOW-moment and that perceiving time to be divided in “chapters” always chains me into the past and/or the future as a chapter consists of a beginning, a middle and an end – all of which do not exist in the NOW-moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though one form of interaction will not be present in my life for now, I am not limited from interacting with these people in different circumstances if I so will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from seeing all the possible ways of interacting with these people because I have wanted to hold onto the old familiar way of interacting with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see these people as individuals but as a group entity, not realizing that this approach limits me from seeing the possibilities each individual or different formation of the group offers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been emotionally attached to the group entity – my own conceptual creation that represents acceptance and companionship – and not the individuals themselves, and that what I fear losing in therefore also not actually real, which means that my “loss” is actually an illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that in reality I am not losing anything at all.

I commit myself to give myself time and space to re-shape my life into such where the social relations I invest my time into are enjoyable, constructive, supportive and based on self-honesty.

I commit myself to investigate what the difference is between having a relationship based on honesty and one based on self-honesty – in other words, I commit myself to check my definitions of the words “honest” and “self-honest”.

I commit myself to utilize the tools (voice, movement, touch) I have acquired and adopted through performance arts in all areas of my life within and as the realization that while allowing myself to do so I also encourage others to broaden their “vocabulary” of self-expression.

I commit myself to utilize what I have learned from team work in theatre by experimenting with it in university environment and study work.