Days 243-244: Dependency on physical touch as a stabilizer

26-28052013

I was recently in a relationship to another person in a way that involved physical intimacy. When our ways parted I noticed that after the “high” I had got from the touch contact faded I experienced myself to be “missing something” - as if something had been lost. I later realized that I had made my sense of stability, which has been quite fragile now that I've been traveling, dependent on the comfort I had experienced within the touch contact.

Later on came more specific experiences. I was sitting in a train after having just landed to Japan and I had my big rucksack in front of me. I leaned on the rucksack and wrapped my hands around it, and I suddenly felt sadness because I associated the hug with the rucksack with the touch I had had with this other person. One other point I noticed was within a moment where I remembered to breathe with all of my lungs after a while of not breathing, and I felt again sadness because I associated this deep breathing with how I breathed while I was in touch contact with the other person.

So within a short interaction with another (a few days) I connected these physical acts of self-support (breathing and hugging) to the other in my mind, when in fact the support I received from them had nothing to do with the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself when I touch another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the experience of being touched instead of focusing on the act of touching another as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the act of touching another as self-expression is dependent on the other – that I cannot express myself in this way if the other is not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me receiving touch is dependent on others as I have not realized that I am able to induce a similar experience of touch by myself – and that this implies that touch for me is, then, not about the physical act of touching but about something else, something “bigger”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that for me touch with others is a way to induce an experience of stability, security and comfort – a replacement of actual stability, security and comfort within and as myself – and that I search for this experience with others over and over again because the previous experience always fades and leaves a “void” that I desire to fill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only way to make stability, security and comfort a constant part of my living is to build them into myself – I could also attach myself to something external, like another person, and make sure with all means possible that this external object does not disappear from this existence before I do, but this would make my life subject to constant gambling and this I will not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize, and understand that to be reliant on others to give me the experience of stability, security and comfort is to live as inequality as I refuse to acknowledge myself to have the same responsibility over myself as others do over themselves and believe that it is another's “duty” to take care of me on top of them taking care of themselves even though I am perfectly able to carry myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize touch for fulfilling my needs and desires, only taking and never giving, instead of using it as a tool of self-expression and communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by believing and perceiving that the sense of comfort I receive from touch comes from outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the experience of comfort – enjoying my physical body and existence – is in fact created by me and not by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to touch me as I have not realized that the experience I seek for in touch is a replacement of what I am missing in myself on a fundamental level – and that I do not need to seek for this from others because I can build it into my foundation from where it will not fade as experience does.

I commit myself to explore touch with myself and with others from the starting point of focusing on myself within and as the realization that touch is self-expression – not a show, a scene or a story – just me being HERE within and as breath as movement and action.

As I now see, realize and understand that the only non-abusive way to be stable, secure and comfortable in this life – the way that is “best for all” - is to build this into myself and not seek it from others, I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to depend on others to be my stability points and “anchors”. When and as I see myself living as my patterns of dependency (losing focus from myself into the other, following the other instead of being self-directed, not being aware of my experience, allowing my desire to be with the other to move me, etc.) I stop, I breathe and I realize I am living out a behavioral pattern I have created earlier in my life when I have not had the tools to support myself. I realize that I do not have to live according to this pattern and that I can decide to move myself into a different direction. I breathe and I investigate the point at hand to see and forgive its origin, and I physically move myself out of the pattern by being aware of what was moving me before and by making sure that I now move self-directed. I realize that this act of becoming self-aware and self-directed is what eventually becomes stability and security within me as I will be able to actually rely on myself.

Day 238: Resisting self-reliance

20052013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 237: Meetings and partings

(I am continuing later with more points that opened up in the experiences described in the previous post.)

(Quote from yesterday)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get tired in my constant challenge to be self-reliant and thus allow myself to fall when there has been a safe environment to rely on instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming self-reliant because I have enjoyed relying on others as it has been comfortable to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it is OK to rely on others because I enjoy it and because it does not appear to harm others, not realizing that I am doing harm onto myself by accepting and allowing myself to live as less than I could be, and that the harm to others is done through me living as a “lesser being”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming self-reliant because I have perceived and believed it to be “a lot of work” and “a burdensome task”, not realizing that even though it does require a lot of work and conscious effort it only becomes a burden by my own decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that becoming self-reliant and self-supported is an essential part of a human being's process of maturing, and that I will not be a fully grown being until I carry responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming self-reliant because relying on others to carry responsibility for me and create my experience for me has been within my comfort zone as it has not required me to move at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe the process to grow myself out of the habit of relying on others to be “a challenge”, here associating the word “challenge” with heavy pushing and non-existent results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the process of becoming self-reliant will bring no “rewards” and that I am only doing it because I “have to” – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the “reward” here is to live as a being who will no longer live within relationships of dependency, which I have witnessed to only bring about sorrow, pain, chaos, frustration, disappointment, demands and self-compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is essential for all of us to become self-reliant in order for dependency and its consequences to disappear from our existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate becoming self-reliant because I have been afraid that it would prove to be “worse” than relying on others – meaning more lonely, more isolated, more depressing, more passive.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive independence to mean separation from other people, not realizing that only when we are all fully independent and take responsibility for ourselves are we fully equal to and one with each other, because then all will have the one and same responsibility: themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am right now in such a situation where my sense of stability is constantly “being tested” because I have nothing permanent with me expect for myself (and my backbag, but even that may get stolen so I cannot rely on it), and that I am thus in a more sensitive position and waver easily, and that it is no wonder I occasionally fall when I find a temporary source of stability in my environment – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for falling without considering the circumstances I am in, not being merciful with myself when I am in a truly challenging situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is “bad” to fall and rely on others for temporary stability, not realizing that in these circumstances it may sometimes be necessary for me to not go completely off-balance, assuming that I am aware of what I am doing and directing myself.

I commit myself to show mercy towards myself by forgiving myself when I fall out of stability and allowing myself to be assisted by other people / external factors to regain my stance.

I commit myself to further investigate the exact practical patterns that occur when and as I lose self-stability and become reliant on external factors.

I commit myself to realize that self-reliance is a requirement of equality and oneness by looking at relationships of dependency and asking myself whether equality and oneness are present in these relationships.