07102013
This post is a part of the following series:
I've been meaning to “wrap up” the attraction series by writing
commitment statements on it, but something else relating to the
subject has surfaced, and I need to write about it first to get some
clarity.
Yesterday within the time span of 4 hours two people asked me out on
a date and a third one expressed his interest. Now, because I have
been very withdrawn and shy throughout my life I haven't really come across situations
like this before (I've only had, like, ONE dating request per day,
thankyouverymuch), so I have been surprised and confused about all
this unrequested attention, especially because I have had feelings of
attraction towards some other people I've met recently. The thing is,
I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who
approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all
– and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I
do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I
even want? What's behind the resentment?
I am asking myself: what have I done to “ask for attention”? Am I
somehow sending a message that says “I'm available, come and get
meeeeee”? Who have I been within the interaction with the people
from yesterday – have I been sending cues?
I realize that with two out of three I have had fleeting thoughts of
“what if” - in other words, I have considered them as possible
partners if only for a little while. This, of course, can be picked
up in my behavior. The thing is, with these guys I have already
decided (based on the few encounters I've had with them) that I will
not go into an intimate relationship with either one. But hang on,
what exactly do I base this decision on? The resentment I have? Isn't
fear what's behind the resentment? If so, why would I succumb to my
fear and stay within my comfort zone? Isn't that precisely where I
stagnate?
The thing is, I fear getting too close to people whom I perceive to
be “beggars” - looking for company out of dependency. These kinds
of people I usually kindly turn away, and one of the guys from
yesterday to me appears to be “one of them” - although I really
can't say because I've only met him very briefly. I do not want to
support anyone's addictions, and this is why I find this principle
one that I will stick to, as long as I take care to not assume people
to be what I believe them to be and to communicate myself properly to
the other.
Right, so long story short: in my surroundings there are people I am
attracted towards and with whom I feel comfortable and “nice” all
around – there's a positive excitement. And there are also people I
have been approached by and who on some level do seem genuinely
interesting – but not in the romantic, exciting, feelgood way. AND
there's also people that I am even frightened of because of what I
see of myself with them. My problem is, I don't how to “organize”
my situation, so to speak – how to define all these people, what I
do with them, what is “allowed” and all that. In other words: by
going through what I have in these attraction series so far about
polygamy, limitations, self-expression and fear of undefined
relationships, I have actually summoned this situation upon
myself. Lol, what a fucking challenge! Thanks a lot, me! Lol, no
really, I am quite cool with this now that I'm somehow starting to
grasp what's going on.
There are some specific points relating to this situation that I will
go through.
- reaction to a romantic gesture: “did I insult him by not responding to his gesture?”
- the “pleaser girlfriend” / “ideal girlfriend” persona – wanting the other to feel good and thus responding as I think I “should” respond
- accepting date requests – not being able to say “no”
- private writings on each person specifically
- resentment and fear
- plus others that emerge while going through what I wrote today.
Alright, I will continue tomorrow.
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