Day 405: The Desteni of Living - expansions, part 1

31052014

http://youtu.be/OFUjJ3i988U

The video log linked above is a continuation to:

Day 404: The Desteni of Living - my declaration of principle

In this video I expand on point number 1: I commit myself to realising and living my utmost potential.

Day 392: Using weather as an excuse

08032014

This post is a continuation to:
Day 391: Winter depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disconnected from life during winter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the manifestations of life around me during winter, as I have focused on the lack of what I have labeled as “life” instead of focusing on what is actually here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to work with the reality that is here at the moment in order to best support myself to truly live within and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the manifestation of life that is myself when during winter my surroundings have not supported my idea of “life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a deal with myself that when the winter gets nice and cold and pretty (usually the temperature here drops enough for it to be a beautiful winter for a while) I will start taking walks outside and thus connecting with nature and giving myself exercise – not realizing that because the weather is unpredictable, this “deal” might never come to happen, making this bargaining with myself unreliable. [We ended up having a really sucky winter here, bad weather and no snow.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving in to discomfort of taking walks outside when the weather is cold, dark and wet by thinking that I'll go out when the weather gets better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making “if, then” deals with myself regarding my physical well-being is not reasonable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself to push through the discomfort of exercising and being in nature when the weather is “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “bad” weather according to some uncomfortable childhood experiences where I have gotten cold and wet with no sense of control over the situation to comfort me. [For example, now as an adult I can reason out with myself that if I get wet, I can always eventually come home and change into dry clothes.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless when my surroundings are physically uncomfortable, not realizing that I have the tools to both alleviate the discomfort by practical means and to walk myself through my feeling of discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the manifestations of life in nature during winter by choosing to not go out much, thus causing my sense of being “disconnected from life” myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the manifestations of life in other people by choosing to not go out much and rather stay at home due to seeking comfort, thus causing my sense of being “disconnected from life” myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as an excuse to not exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as an excuse to not socialize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as a justification to give in to my desire to remain within my comfort zone / my fear of facing discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I have created resentment towards certain weather conditions, facing those conditions within any activity is an act of stepping outside my comfort zone, which means that I need specific attention and care from myself when I face those conditions and expand beyond my current comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to go jogging in “bad weather” and get disappointed in myself when I repeatedly failed to do so, not realizing that as both the conditions and the activity are such that I am still to some extent uncomfortable with and resent, I would need clear focus and awareness to be able to commit this set of actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully support myself when and as I would have the opportunity to do something uncomfortable and expand myself, thus with my carelessness wasting the opportunity and building up self-disappointment.

• I commit myself to take into consideration my remaining resentment towards jogging and certain weather conditions when and as I go out to exercise by giving myself enough time, dressing up properly, removing any distractions and focusing on giving myself attention.
• I commit myself to exercise one moment at a time, one breath at a time.
• I commit myself to use self-forgiveness to overcome mental barriers towards exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the weather is not a valid reason to not go out unless it's raining fireballs or razorblades (lol) – unless the weather is actually directly harmful to human beings, which it rarely is here.

Day 380: Continuing on Waking up efficiently

15012014

This post is a continuation to my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for sleeping “too much”, not questioning my definition of “too much sleep”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 6 hours of sleep to be the ideal amount of sleep with no real evidence of this actually being the amount of sleep that my body needs to recharge, thus also defining less than 6 hours as “too little” sleep and more than 6-7 hours “too much” sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not living up to my ideals, not realizing that my ideals have not been constructed according to the physical reality to function as goals that support my living, but that I have instead constructed my ideals based on what others appear to be doing and what I ought to do to be as good as others – to be accepted by others – to not be less than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I cannot construct my sleeping patterns efficiently, I will have failed as a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my worth based on how efficiently and supportively I structure my life, thus feeling like a failure when something doesn't work out (such as sleeping at the moment), not realizing that my definition of “supportive structuring” is based only on how much I get done / how much I achieve or accomplish, thus ignoring e.g. my physical and mental well-being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I sleep more than 7 hours I am “wasting time” that I could instead use on “getting stuff done”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my body might need more than 7 hours of sleep depending on what it's recovering from, and that forcing myself out of bed without sufficient rest is to compromise my health as well as my ability to “get stuff done”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “getting stuff done” (work, study, whatever tasks I have) is sustainable when and as and ONLY when it's done in consideration of the physical reality – such as the well-being of my body, the physical organism I inhabit.

• I commit myself to stop compromising sleep, rest and recovery in order to achieve merit in the eyes of others.
• I commit myself to arrange myself enough time for sleep, rest and recovery; In cases where I need to momentarily compromise my sleep/rest, I commit myself to arrange myself time to recover from this compromise sufficiently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are two kinds of tiredness – a physical and a mental tiredness – and that when I wake up in the morning I am able to discern between the two, and thus also able to understand and decide whether to stay in bed or to get up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when I have woken up in the morning, to ignore my awareness of the fact that I am mentally tired and continue sleeping regardless of my awareness of this fact with the excuse that “I have nothing to do” - “I might as well sleep more”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I stay in bed out of mental tiredness I am escaping something in my reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that getting out of bed is a burdensome task, thus anticipating the moment of getting up and all the things I need to do, thus creating a desire to stay in bed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards my morning routine (washing up, yoga, cleaning the dishes) because I have found some of the tasks difficult and burdensome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resistance towards my morning yoga exercise because often when I do it I need to push myself over a threshold out of my comfort zone even though I know my entire body will feel better after the yoga.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to the resistance towards yoga, thus skipping some mornings and eventually not doing it at all, thus also making it easier for me to give in to the resistance to get out of bed at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that expansion and growth requires constant pushing and discomfort before it becomes an effortless part of my living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to integrate yoga and exercise into my living – a form of physical self-care – I need to unwind the roots and habits of stagnation I have grown and become tangled up with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that slouching, dragging my feet, sitting down and being still in the morning when I wake up is a habit of not moving – a habit that I can change and replace with another – and that I have learned this method of waking up by observing the people I grew up with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my family's culture of waking up – making oneself as comfortable as possible to “soften the blow” – is not the only possible way of starting one's day.

• I commit myself to do my yoga routine each morning, unless I am physically unable to do it (sickness etc), as I now see, realize and understand that getting used to this small push every morning I get myself used to discomfort, thus supporting myself with all situations where I need to deal with discomfort in order to grow and expand. (This is pretty cool now that I think of it this way!)
• I commit myself to expand my yoga routine little by little, adding one move to the routine when and as the routine needs more physical challenge.
• I commit myself to experiment with other forms of morning exercise, such as taking a walk or running.
• I commit myself to do something physical every morning before I have breakfast.
• I commit myself to explore what else I could do before I have breakfast, for example writing, studying and meditation.

Also, an idea I got in the last post that I want to try out:

• When and as I do not have anything to wake up to the following morning - such as a meeting, a lecture or work - I commit myself to go through my tasks for the day in the previous evening and decide on the first task I will tackle the following day.

It's been working out well so far!

Note to self: the word "efficient" has a negative tone to me, and using it here makes it feel as if waking up "efficiently" couldn't be enjoyable but that I'd be gritting my teeth while doing it, lol. I'll return to this word and the concept of efficiency in posts to come.

Day 343: Facing myself within the fear of men

28102013

"Lean on me" by Susan Lyon

I have recently become involved in a new relationship, and it is still in the process of taking form which is why I will not go into details on it yet. It has been a pretty dominant experience for me during the past few weeks and I am now starting to see what I have been going through when facing this new person – or more accurately, who I am with this person.

When I met this person I was both attracted to him and extremely scared of him. There was nothing about him that would have required me to be cautious, which is the purpose of fear as a survival mechanism: he was not dangerous, malicious or abusive. The reason I was (and still am a little bit) afraid of him is because of a stereotype of men I connected him to upon my first impression of him, and also because of what I see of myself when I am with him. In his presence I am faced both with the absurdity of judging people by who they appear to be and with the boundaries of my current comfort zone.

Because of the stereotype in my mind – which I have compiled as a result of my past experiences with men – I was at first suspicious of him and cautious around him, which basically manifested as an all-over tension in my body and a lack of relaxed breathing. When I interacted with him this became more and more obvious to me because within the interaction I was getting constant feedback and support, both verbal and non-verbal. I had to face the fact that this person was showing me his trustworthiness and exposing himself to me while I was being reserved and judgmental out of fear.

A while back I was writing about a core question that had arisen in me: who am I with others? I have noticed that there isn't really anyone I would be entirely relaxed with – the kind of relaxed that I am alone at home without the fear of anyone seeing me – and I realized that I am starting to approach a point in walking myself out of introversion where I am going to have to write this shit out in detail and apply it in practice. However, for now I have not done so, at least not as effectively as I could have. It may be because I am currently living alone and also haven't been in a partnership with anyone for a year: I have not had that stable and consistent platform for feedback and support that helps immensely in self-development. My situation is currently changing from having no intense support to having plenty of it (more on that later), and I think that this is a prime opportunity to start focusing on the personalities I utilize to protect myself within social conduct.

A personality I have come across is one that I call the “happy persona” - a state of being where I hesitate sharing my troubles, worries and challenges and rather portray myself to be joyous, successful and trouble-free. I will begin walking this point with self-forgiveness in posts to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X to be “just another man” after nothing but sex because he was straightforward, handsome and appeared confident.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that men who are straightforward – directly addressing what is going on instead of tip-toeing around the issue – are only interested in self-satisfaction (getting what they desire as fast as possible), not realizing that I have created this interpretation based on a few past experiences where some men have approached me with the purpose of having sex with me, as well as on the image of men as sexually predatory which the society and culture I grew up in has taught me – and that the reason I avoid straightforward men and gravitate towards shy men is because shy men feel “safe” to me whereas straightforward men feel “dangerous” - not realizing that this “gut feeling” of mine doesn't actually say anything about the actual intentions about the people: the shy guy might as well be looking for someone to manipulate while the straightforward guy might be sincerely interested in other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that good-looking men are bound to be assholes because their looks “must have” provided them with so much popularity that they have become self-centered – not realizing that this is yet another stereotype I have created based on a few real-life examples (completely ignoring the good-looking people who have turned out incredibly humble) and on the character of the “handsome douche” that is everywhere in the pop culture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “good looks” - no matter how normative – are subjective, and that “good looks” is not an asset that would work for the benefit of a person anywhere universally, and that therefore I cannot assume that a person has “had it good” just because of how their face and body is shaped because I don't know what kind of a life they have actually lived and how they have experienced it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that confident men are abusive because they are often assertive whereas I have been passive and easy to comply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confident men as “abusive”, not realizing that I am actually afraid of them because I perceive myself to be “powerless” in front of their assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the position of “the abused” and blame another for “abusing” me when in fact I have done nothing to become assertive and self-directed myself and then complied to the assertiveness of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by the confidence of another because I have felt like I am “losing” in comparison to the other – not realizing that what I perceive as “confidence” might not even be confidence and that the person might actually be just as scared as I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “safety” from shy men who have not been confident, assertive and/or straightforward because with them I have not had to develop my confidence, assertiveness and straightforwardness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give X a chance to show me who he really is / myself a chance to see who he really is because it was easier to defend myself with the stereotype of a “non-trustworthy man” (“stay away form this guy bad news bad news!”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that my assumptions and first-impressions about X were influenced by fear and that my view of him was distorted from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a person through fear, manifested as tension in my body, and then blame the other for “coming too close” when and as I have been faced with my own fearful and tense state of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when another has challenged my belief on how social situations “should be” conducted: when, where and how are which actions “allowed”.

--

[Cut out some personal SF that went into more detail on the beliefs that were challenged. The conclusion I came to was that when I believe that certain forms of self-expression are "not allowed" in social conduct until enough time has passed and an appropriate sense of "trustworthiness" has been established, I support myself to assume the worst out of everyone I do not yet know "well enough" - which is the majority of all the fucking people on this planet - and consequently give myself permission to be reserved and limited with everyone who hasn't made it into my "inner circle".]

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing and exposing the fact that I am excited and happy about this new person being in my life and the opportunities this situation opens up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing my excitement because I have wanted to remain “above” the situation by appearing “cool”, not realizing that this is yet another defense mechanism I use to protect myself from abuse – not realizing that I will not protect myself from abuse by distancing myself from people and suppressing my interest towards people but by not living as the compliant, passive victim I have gotten used to being.

When and as I am with X, I commit myself to focus on my breathing as much as possible to stabilize myself and thus assist and support myself to notice and face my own reactions, feelings, emotions and thoughts.

I commit myself to write about the points that arise within interaction with X.

I commit myself to utilize this opportunity to practice self-honest communication by not accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from X and by instead sharing my experience in its entirety without sugar-coating. (Quite awesome that he supports me in this!)

I will continue with the “who am I with others” personality point in posts to come.

Days 334-335: Giving feedback to a friend

14, 16102013

Am I being too soft by not being aggressive and critical with the feedback I give my friends?

When I interact with people and notice something I should point out, I am balancing out between being too harsh and too kind on people. The model I have picked up on giving out constructive criticism has been a fairly aggressive and reactive one, and I realize that this is not the best possible way to approach people, because within it I ignore my own reactiveness and blame the other for “not knowing” (making me react). Within this model I also assume the worst of everyone and believe my assumptions without question. Acting from within this model has caused a lot of conflict and friction to occur, and the discussion hasn't really advanced because everyone has been raging at each other.

I have reflected upon the buddhist principle of not saying things that are hurtful to others. I have not been fond of this principle because to meet it seems to encourage people to tip-toe around each other's issues and allow them to live out their shitty patterns – I have seen cowardice in this guideline. It has bothered me throughout the years though, and I have returned to think about it every now and then.

What I have come to realize that the principle does not have to be understood and applied this way. What I see in it is a suggestion to not try and aggravate people – not to provoke – but to instead try to say things in such a way that would be comprehendible to others.

There's been a gradual change in my approach and today I came to think of it when I had a discussion with a friend. She told me about some things that were bothering her in her life – things that are usually considered highly immoral – and I told her my perspective on it. After this she told me that everyone she had talked to about this before had gotten really angry at her and told her that what she is doing is “absolutely wrong”. I only then realized that I hadn't reacted to the information she shared with me in such a way (even though the reaction of “woe the immorality” was there) and that my starting point was not that of aggressive-defensive reactiveness as it had apparently been with her other friends – and I thought to myself: am I being too soft? Should I have told her she is doing “wrong” things? Should I have been more assertive?

I think that my approach may have even helped her, because how I put my words didn't make her flip out. I was honest and direct, but I wasn't accusative. And that may have helped in getting the message across. Making people feel safe may be pretty essential in interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another's description of her actions by thinking “whoa, that's not OK”, not realizing that whatever I consider to be “right” or “wrong” is a subjective standard, no matter how much it benefits the well-being of all life from my perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another based on my standards of “good living”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another without consideration for why she has done the things she has done, not realizing that her mistakes may have been done out of ignorance (not knowing) instead of negligence (not wanting to).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friend to be “immoral” because the story she told me reinforced the mental image I had of her – not realizing that the reality is not black-and-white like that and that she is not doing these things out of malice (at least not yet, as far as I can tell).

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my friend to be “immoral”, “flighty”, “dependent” and “messed up” based on my first impression of her, not realizing that I first met her years ago when her life was much more of a mess than it is right now, and that it is unfair towards her and myself to only see her as a two-dimensional stereotype that is based on her past and mine.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give my friend a chance to show me / myself a chance to see who she is NOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to what my friend told me because I believe and perceive I would not be able to do the things she does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to my friend's actions because if I was faced with similar situations I would freeze with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my fear on my friend by accusing her of being “immoral” (even though this accusation was just a passing thought that never carried onto actions), thus reinforcing the behavioral pattern of labeling all the things I have limited from myself as “bad”/”wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “moralize” others by blaming my own limitations on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my limitations by labeling them “bad”/”wrong” - believing I shouldn't have been able to do them anyway because they're “forbidden”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when I had explained my point of view to my friend, thinking I should be discussing and giving feedback “more like the others”, not realizing that reacting with aggression and blaming it on the other through anger, pity, cruelty or putting her down would not assist and support her in understanding what I'm trying to say and would only alienate her as I would be acting through self-interest – and that there is thus no reason for me to regret the way I put my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being honest with others because I fear they will react and blame their reaction on me, not realizing that no matter my starting point and how carefully I place my words some people might react and blame it on me anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I see something I consider to be dysfunctional, it is my responsibility to point it out and at least discuss it with others as long as we agree on the matter, which is when action can be taken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility of pointing out dysfunctionalities by thinking “it was probably nothing” / “they will figure it out themselves”, thus letting it slip through my fingers, accepting and allowing the dysfunction to continue existing as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my evaluation of what is dysfunctional so that I would have an excuse not to take the risk of getting others angry at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice my integrity and self-trust so that I wouldn't have to face aggression from others.

When and as I discuss with people, I commit myself to focus on asking them questions instead of telling them what to do.

I commit myself to investigate my patterns of interaction and discussion.

I commit myself to make a note of and explore the things I have labeled as “bad”, “wrong” or “immoral” within and as the realization that (at least a part of) the label is there to excuse me from going beyond my comfort zone.

I commit myself to discuss with plenty of people to give myself a chance to practice being honest within discussion.

Days 329-331: Attraction, part 7 - resentment

This post is a direct continuation to:

Day 328: Attraction, part 6 - intermission

And a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

 07102013

“The thing is, I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's behind the resentment?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I am attracted towards a person I “should” approach him/her and that if I resent a person I “shouldn't” approach him/her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my feeling of attraction/resentment is a sign/proof/evidence of another person's compatibility/incompatibility with me, not realizing that what I feel within me is in no way directly connected to the qualities of another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that another person is responsible for my feeling of attraction/resentment, not realizing that I create the feeling whereas the other person only acts as a trigger to the patterns I live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify including in my life only those whom I feel comfortable with and excluding those whom I feel uncomfortable with, because I have believed and perceived that it is “natural” for people to be drawn towards some and pulled away from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by believing it is “natural” to like some and dislike others, I separate myself from this reality by refusing to include all kinds of people in “my world” - the subjective reality I create by piecing together my life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though it is very common for people to like some and dislike others, this is not how things ought to “naturally” be, as it creates rivalry, competition and separation and alienates people from the reality that withholds ALL kinds of people, not just the people that one finds pleasing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order for me to ever have a somewhat reliable and truthful view of the world, I need to interact with all kinds of people, because every single one needs to be considered when directing myself/the world towards a future that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the things I resent are outside of my comfort zone, which is an indicator of a lesson to be learned, an opportunity to expand my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace resentment as an opportunity for growth.

I am now thinking of a model of learning created by a russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky. He placed three circles inside each other and dubbed the innermost “Comfort Zone”, the second layer “Learning Zone”, and the third one “Panic Zone”. The point in the model is that when one is faced with suitably sized challenges, one will learn – and when the challenge is too big, learning becomes impossible. I am comparing my situation with this model and thinking whether or not these challenges are “too big” for me to handle and what kind of support I need to get through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent because I have focused on what I dislike about the person and used it as an excuse to stay within my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have reacted with fear to another person, to search for and focus on the “flaws” I find in the person and then use these “flaws” as an excuse to keep the person away from me – not realizing that I am actually running away from my fear, which I ignored in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and cover up the fear reaction that occurs in me when and as I create resentment towards another person.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I reacted with fear when X asked me out and that every thought I had about the situation from that point onwards was influenced by that fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent agreeing to go on a date with X because I believed my resentment to be founded on facts (who the other actually is), not realizing that my resentment is founded on excuses, assumptions and interpretations as I have only met the person a couple of times and thus cannot say that I have any real idea of who he actually is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that when X asked me out, my experience/thought was “oh fuck no, not him as well”, within that moment my perception of him collapsing and changing from neutral/friendly into one loaded with sex/relationshit/assumptions/fear/resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my attitude/approach to romantic interest that is fucked up, not the situation itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a person expressing their interest towards me with whatever means they have learned to be “appropriate” (i.e. asking me out for a date) is this person's self-expression and nothing personal towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened whenever someone expresses their interest towards me, feeling somehow obligated to not “hurt” them.

• A memory of couple dancing lessons from school (at the age of 13-14). We were told that if someone comes to ask you to dance, it is incredibly impolite to refuse. We were told that everyone should have that one dance, and after that it is OK to refuse to dance anymore. This felt suffocating to me because I imagined all the worst-case scenarios of having “creepy” and “disgusting” boys/men come over to me and me being obligated to dance with them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent dancing with people whom I have defined as “disgusting”, not realizing that my definition is based on the fear reaction I initially have towards these people, from which point onwards I search for their “flaws” and create resentment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the people I have defined as “disgusting” are not in fact disgusting but that my experience towards them is, and that therefore I cannot blame them for being disgusting but myself for creating that experience within myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the chance to face my own fears when and as I have been approached by people I have feared, resented and justified feeling disgusted towards.

--

08102013

I realize there are some words and terms that I am now reacting to. They are:

• date / dating (in finnish: treffit)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word “date” (“treffit”) to mean such an event where two people meet each other with expectations, hopes and wishes of romance, sex, intimacy, company and partnership, which makes them blind to what is actually HERE (who the people actually are) as everything within the meeting is filtered through the expectations, hopes and wishes – anticipation - making it impossible for the situation to end up in anything but disappointment or fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if I go on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone who has expectations, hopes and wishes about the situation, I don't have to position myself towards the situation in a similar manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I go onto a “date” (“treffit”) with expectations, hopes and wishes that are directed towards the other person, I am (indirectly) asking for the other to fulfill my desires, to feed my addiction, to be what I am not to myself – and that I am thus living as a beggar only caring about my self-interest and seeing the other as a “tool” to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a “date” (“treffit”) does not have to include expectations directed towards the other, and that instead I can go onto a date without expectations, with no desire, plan or a goal of what I would like to do with the person, and through getting to know the person create the interaction moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone whom I perceive and believe to be “begging” me for something (directing his/her expectations towards me) because I have felt like I am obligated to not “hurt” that person and that I am thus “powerless” in front of their desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that living according to a thought pattern where I cannot “hurt” the other by being honest and refusing to participate in their energy possessions, I make myself a victim of abuse. [This is how people get raped, for example.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “hurtful” experience of another is in fact created by the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry responsibility for “hurting people” when I have been honest and not participated in their romantic/lustful energy possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people getting disappointed because they might exert and blame their experience on me, and thus rather try and keep people from getting disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when another person reacts to their “energy train” hitting the wall and crumbling away, I am of most support to the person by keeping myself stable and NOT by giving into fear and trying to get their energy up and running again.

When and as I react with fear to another's disappointment (as expressed through anger, depression, spite etc.) - I stop, I breathe and I realize that the fear is a remnant of a thought pattern that is no longer functional. I realize that by giving into my fear and trying to “soften the blow” for the other I will only make the situation worse. I remind myself that by keeping myself stable and focusing on forgiving and releasing my own reaction I am of most support to the other as well as to myself. I focus on my breath and on my body, letting go of all tension that occurs. I allow the other to express their disappointment, and when/as/if they are done expressing themselves, I will move myself according to self-honesty.

--

09102013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even the people I am overwhelmingly attracted to do in fact have “flaws” that I pick up - they are not perfect as opposed to those I resent – but that I am too busy with my experience of “falling in love” to pay attention to and define them according to these “flaws” YET.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that each and every person has lessons to offer me as there are points in every person I react to with fear. [In theory I guess it's possible that those points might run out eventually, at least with some individuals, at least for a while.]

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I look at these dates I have now agreed to attend I have expectations myself, and that even though they are not positive expectations but negative ones (fear, standing back, keeping a distance, being wary, expecting the worst, being in escape mode, keeping an emergency exit, “what if things go wrong”) they do in fact influence my positioning in the situation – they are the polarity of positive expectations and carry the exact same amount of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for having expectations towards a meeting when I have had expectations all the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand that others take care of their shit so that I wouldn't have to deal with mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that these dates will “not go well”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that these dates will “not go well” because then I'd have an excuse not to face the fears the other triggers in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that when I invite Y to my house he will try to take advantage of the situation, not realizing that I base this expectation on who I believe him to be – the two-dimensional paper doll labeled “Y” I have painted within my mind – and not on who he actually is because I don't really know him all that much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter my perception of Y through the initial fear he triggered in me through some romantic gesture some weeks ago, thus ignoring all the “signs” that tell me he might as well be a decent person that I can trust to not be an abusive asshole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused, not realizing that I accept and allow abuse to happen throughout the interaction that leads up to the act of abuse by making myself less than who I am.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” because I have perceived and believed them to be a sign of the other having expectations, hopes and wishes towards me, not realizing that no matter the other's intentions these “romantic gestures” are only “romantic” if I believe them to be, and that in essence they are just actions: giving a “romantic gift” is just giving a gift, a “kiss on the hand” is just a kiss on a body part, “sweet-talking” is just giving a compliment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” just as I reacted to X's dating proposal: with my stance collapsing from neutral/friendly into negative expectations, “oh fuck he wants something from me”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if another person wants something from me I am somehow responsible for it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be burdened by other people's desires, not realizing that even if the desires are directed towards me I am still not connected to those desires – I am just the trigger for who the other one is as behavioral and mental patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “romantic gestures” are the self-expression of another, which is nothing personal towards me (even if the other personifies their feelings with their image of me) and that I do not have to participate in them in any way whatsoever if I so choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a “romantic gesture” as a sign of “who I need to / am expected to be” and not as an indicator of who the other one is.

I commit myself to participate in these dates aware of my own movements, not blaming my reactions on the other but bringing them back to myself.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stand clear within these meetings by focusing on my breath and taking note of any and all reactions that may occur.

I commit myself to expect others to be no less than the best they can be.

Day 328: Attraction - part 6 - intermission

07102013

This post is a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

I've been meaning to “wrap up” the attraction series by writing commitment statements on it, but something else relating to the subject has surfaced, and I need to write about it first to get some clarity.

Yesterday within the time span of 4 hours two people asked me out on a date and a third one expressed his interest. Now, because I have been very withdrawn and shy throughout my life I haven't really come across situations like this before (I've only had, like, ONE dating request per day, thankyouverymuch), so I have been surprised and confused about all this unrequested attention, especially because I have had feelings of attraction towards some other people I've met recently. The thing is, I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's behind the resentment?

I am asking myself: what have I done to “ask for attention”? Am I somehow sending a message that says “I'm available, come and get meeeeee”? Who have I been within the interaction with the people from yesterday – have I been sending cues?

I realize that with two out of three I have had fleeting thoughts of “what if” - in other words, I have considered them as possible partners if only for a little while. This, of course, can be picked up in my behavior. The thing is, with these guys I have already decided (based on the few encounters I've had with them) that I will not go into an intimate relationship with either one. But hang on, what exactly do I base this decision on? The resentment I have? Isn't fear what's behind the resentment? If so, why would I succumb to my fear and stay within my comfort zone? Isn't that precisely where I stagnate?

The thing is, I fear getting too close to people whom I perceive to be “beggars” - looking for company out of dependency. These kinds of people I usually kindly turn away, and one of the guys from yesterday to me appears to be “one of them” - although I really can't say because I've only met him very briefly. I do not want to support anyone's addictions, and this is why I find this principle one that I will stick to, as long as I take care to not assume people to be what I believe them to be and to communicate myself properly to the other.

Right, so long story short: in my surroundings there are people I am attracted towards and with whom I feel comfortable and “nice” all around – there's a positive excitement. And there are also people I have been approached by and who on some level do seem genuinely interesting – but not in the romantic, exciting, feelgood way. AND there's also people that I am even frightened of because of what I see of myself with them. My problem is, I don't how to “organize” my situation, so to speak – how to define all these people, what I do with them, what is “allowed” and all that. In other words: by going through what I have in these attraction series so far about polygamy, limitations, self-expression and fear of undefined relationships, I have actually summoned this situation upon myself. Lol, what a fucking challenge! Thanks a lot, me! Lol, no really, I am quite cool with this now that I'm somehow starting to grasp what's going on.

There are some specific points relating to this situation that I will go through.

• reaction to a romantic gesture: “did I insult him by not responding to his gesture?”
  • the “pleaser girlfriend” / “ideal girlfriend” persona – wanting the other to feel good and thus responding as I think I “should” respond
• accepting date requests – not being able to say “no”
• private writings on each person specifically
• resentment and fear
• plus others that emerge while going through what I wrote today.

Alright, I will continue tomorrow.

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

 30092013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

“Lately I've been thinking a lot about attraction. When one is attracted to someone, in essence it is a kind of a pull – being drawn towards something – but these phrases suggest that it is someone else pulling, that a force outside of me is drawing me towards someone, when in fact I create the pull as I have created who I am at the moment.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when I feel attraction I am not responsible for that feeling because I have been taught by this world that attraction, romance and love are some kind of a magical mystery force that just comes from somewhere outside/above of us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I feel attraction towards another person because of that person, naming it “destiny”, “love” or “fate”, thinking we are “meant to be” or “made for each other” or “soulmates”, completely passing the responsibility on the other for a feeling that I HAVE inside of me, believing that he/she is “making me feel this way” – not realizing that I am the cause of every feeling and emotion I experience as nobody else can access my body nor my mind, and that I am thus responsible for the feeling of attraction within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I see another person and I feel attraction, the other person is working as a trigger to “who I am” (the patterns of thought, belief and behavior I am currently living as) - “who I am” is mirrored back to me within the interaction with the other - which is when I project the following experience of “who I am” onto another and feel drawn towards the other because of the experience of “who I am” - not because of who the other one is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am attracted to another because of who the other is, not realizing that even though this is partially so, the primary reason for my attraction is who I am or who I “get to be” when with the other, as accepted and allowed by who the other one is.*

* For example, the other may be very kind I and I think I like the other because he/she is kind, when in fact when I am with that person I do not have to face my fear of aggressive people and I feel safe – I am within my comfort zone – I do not have to step outside of my comfort zone to face new challenges and grow as a person. Or: the other may be very active and energetic and I enjoy being with him/her because I can just follow his/her lead and do not have to motivate myself to be active. BUT these examples only show how attraction can be abused, when it can in fact also be used for growth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste opportunities for growth when attracted to another being by accepting and allowing my feeling of attraction to “take the wheel” - believing and perceiving the other to be the cause of my experience and attraction to be something magical outside of me, thus only abusing the attraction as described above – not stopping to ask myself where attraction comes from, who I become with the other and what it is I could learn from the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for my experience of attraction by blaming it (very lovingly) on my target of attraction or on the “universe” ( = that great big something “above” me that can always take the blame when I don't want to).

“The issue that somewhat remains is the fact that I suddenly find myself drawn to many people at once – not that it wouldn't have happened before, but before I have simply told myself “no” and refused to explore the situation further. It's either been a “no, I'm already in a relationship” or a “no, I've already got a main romantic interest”. So basically I have already made up my mind about who I will be intimate with, as if there was a spot I'm reserving – and I'm not talking about only sex, but about all levels of physical AND mental intimacy.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define intimate interaction to be such that can only happen in an exclusive monogamous relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify limiting intimate self-expression into an exclusive monogamous relationship by thinking it is “personal”, “private”, “holy” and/or “special”, not realizing that all these concepts work as an excuse to keep a level of myself hidden form myself.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a part of me is “personal”/”private” - something I am allowed to keep to myself because it is only mine – not realizing that there is absolutely nothing that is “only mine” as everything that I am and live as is a result of this reality AND affects all of this reality, which makes everything that I am “everybody's business”, in a sense, because nothing of me is fully separate from the rest of this reality and existence.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a part of me is “holy” and thus needs to be hidden from the world and/or shared exclusively with “special” individuals only, such as a spouse, a spiritual guide, a therapeutist or a god – not realizing that even though this “safe zone” of exposing myself may be a necessary step for me to open up at all, creating excuses to stay within that “safe zone” - such as by claiming it to be “holy” - is an act of fear and self-dishonesty, because what I realize of myself within that “safe zone” is not fully integrated into my living regardless of circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from exploring human interaction with the thought “I already have someone else”, not realizing that I am giving myself an excuse to not face my fear of undefined relationships and unforeseeable interaction and rather stick to my “safe zone” where I know what to expect from each person I interact with as I have already decided what is “allowed” and what is “not allowed”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am only allowed to express my attraction towards one person at once, as this is what I have been taught within the culture I was born in, not realizing that this trait of this specific culture (monogamy) has not been inherently here within human beings since the dawn of time but is a concept and a tradition that has been created to serve a utilitarian purpose within a certain context.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my cultural context as I have believed that the authorities in my life (family, school, media) have taught me absolute, universal truths.

“The point is that what my relations are with the individual people I come across of the world's population of 7 billion are what I make of them – they are at best a creation by two – and that if I do one thing with someone it does not exclude me from doing another thing with somebody else.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my self-expression into one “special” relationship because I have feared that the one I am in a relationship with might get hurt, insulted, angry, sad and/or depressed as a result.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this definition of relationships (one has to be “faithful” so that the other one doesn't feel bad) based on an experience within an early relationship of mine where I discussed this topic with my partner and my partner took it personally.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I saw my partner getting emotionally hurt, to react with fear of losing my partner and decide that I will be “faithful” to make sure that my partner doesn't leave me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not responsible for the emotions and feelings of another when I do not purposefully provoke them, and that therefore my partner's reaction to our discussion was not my fault.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “take the blame” for the fact that my partner reacted when I expressed that I would like to share myself intimately with other people as well – not that his reaction would have been surprising at all and that I would have had any idea how to handle it.

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

27092013

Lately I've been thinking a lot about attraction. When one is attracted to someone, in essence it is a kind of a pull – being drawn towards something – but these phrases suggest that it is someone else pulling, that a force outside of me is drawing me towards someone, when in fact I create the pull as I have created who I am at the moment.

I think the metaphor “people are mirrors to each other” describes it quite well. When I am attracted towards another, I either enjoy something the other person “has” - like a trait or a quality – or I enjoy who I am in the presence of another, or maybe both. In other words, the other reflects back to me what I lack or I wish I had – who I am is reflected for me to see, which is an awesome opportunity for growth. “Who I am” is not a constant, it's not something that would remain unchangeable from situation to another, but is in fact relative to all the factors that affect any situation, such as the people who are present, the activities involved, the physical location, the time of the day... So when I find myself to be “more” in some way when in another's presence (more kind, more relaxed, more funny, more intelligent, more active etc.) I am drawn towards that person's company, because I haven't yet realized how to bring out that quality in me without that person around.

So basically I am pretty clear on what attraction is and how it functions, and when I have come across people I am drawn to I have stopped to map out what is going on in me when this happens. The issue that somewhat remains is the fact that I suddenly find myself drawn to many people at once – not that it wouldn't have happened before, but before I have simply told myself “no” and refused to explore the situation further. It's either been a “no, I'm already in a relationship” or a “no, I've already got a main romantic interest”. So basically I have already made up my mind about who I will be intimate with, as if there was a spot I'm reserving – and I'm not talking about only sex, but about all levels of physical AND mental intimacy.

The change I'm seeing in myself is that there's no longer that need to reserve intimacy for one person, and I am in fact very comfortable with these people all around. I have realized that all interaction is actually allowed, because all interaction – talking, touching, moving – is self-expression, and as long as I am honest with myself about what I am doing and why there is no rule that would forbid me from exploring human interaction with all the people I come across. And no, I am not saying that I will now go and have sex with everyone – that's not the point at all – even though I could do that. The point is that what my relations are with the individual people I come across of the world's population of 7 billion are what I make of them – they are at best a creation by two – and that if I do one thing with someone it does not exclude me from doing another thing with somebody else.

I'm still trying to find the right words to crystallize this realization, and I'm sure I'll find them once I just write about this enough. So pardon my messiness! Lol.

The thing is, I don't think that attraction is a “bad thing” in itself. Attraction is an indicator of who I am and the people it is pointing me towards may provide important lessons. Attraction becomes dangerous when I forget that it is my creation, because then I lose myself into the other. I believe the other to be my “destiny” or my “soulmate” or “the one” et cetera – I create an obsession of the other because I believe the other to be the cause of my attraction when in fact he/she is just the trigger.

Oh right, another point I've been thinking about in relation to this are attraction patterns: how mutual attraction usually “ends up” in sex through certain layers of interaction. I've realized that one reason I have refrained from acting upon attraction is the fact that I already saw the whole pathway leading up to sex looming in front of me and I got really fucking scared of it, and so I rather just staid away from people. What I've realized now is that I don't (necessarily) have to follow that pathway. I have a choice in each moment of breath – I have a choice in every single moment I interact with another, and so in a way every moment is a blank slate. This realization has been a great relief for me, because I have understood that I am in fact in charge of myself and my life, and that such a thing as attraction is no longer “in the wheel”. From this starting point of self-trust I am glad to continue exploring human interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear attraction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being attracted to another because I have believed and perceived that attraction can only “end up” in a specific, predetermined outcome – not realizing that people never simply “end up” somewhere but always bring it upon themselves one way or another, and that therefore I have taken myself to situations where an attraction leads to a familiar result – and that if I am the one taking myself to places, I have the power to stop and decide to change my route.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist attraction because I have feared acting upon it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear attraction because it is an indicator of my wish to be intimately close to/with another being which is something I have feared because I have not wanted to expose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to myself by exposing myself to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid acting upon attraction because I have not known what it will lead into.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being able to define what my relation to another being is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to define all of my relations with other people so that I would know in advance what is possible and what is not possible within the interaction I have with each one – thus creating “safe zones” where I can “let loose” of one aspect of myself with one person and of another with someone else – not realizing that when I create these definitions (i.e. I can hug A, I can't hug B, I can hug C a little if it's the right moment, I can hug D all the time, I can't hug E unless I do it the right way...) I limit myself extensively by accepting and allowing my relations with people to remain the way they have initially appeared to “work” (not causing conflict or confusion), not realizing that for every limitation I place in interaction there is a cause – a fear – and a border I fear crossing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear physically touching people in a way that makes them react because I have feared that they would then pull away from me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear addressing topics that make others react because I have feared that they will blame their reaction on me and accuse me of being “invasive” and “inappropriate”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I behave in a way that makes the other react, the other will judge me and think less of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to create and uphold “safe zones” with other people where I can trust the other to not “invade” my “personal space” (to not do whatever I have defined to not be “included” in the relationship I have with the other).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by allowing these “safe zones” to exist I serve both my self-interest and the other's and in no way actually support and assist either of us to face and deal with what is really going on within us (the fears that create our limitations).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – generally speaking – define my relationships with female friends to only include specific kind of touching and only a specific amount of it.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to touch my female friends' breasts, butt, thighs, hips, neck, chest, ears, face, stomach or sides because I have defined these body parts to be “sexual”, “intimate” or otherwise reserved to only be touched within a romantic or otherwise “special” relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to – generally speaking – define my relationships with male friends to only include specific kind of touching and only a specific amount of it.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to touch my male friends too much because I have feared it might be misinterpreted as “romantic interest” - not realizing that every time I fear this, I am actually on some level attracted to the person in question, and that I am covering my own ass while blaming my fear of facing myself on the other.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to touch my male friends' butt, thighs, scalp, face, ears, stomach, hips, sides or neck because I have defined these body parts to be “sexual”, “intimate” or otherwise only to be touched with a male I am in a romantic relationship with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have limited myself from touching almost 3/4 of the human body regardless of gender because I have feared intimacy (which, in essence, is always self-intimacy - “in-to-me-I-see”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself to be touched anywhere but a very limited “safe zone” of my body as I have defined most of my body to be “too intimate/personal/private” for others to touch – when in fact I have isolated and separated my own body parts from myself, which makes them feel “private” and “different” when in fact they're just the same tissue as all of my body is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I don't want others to touch a “private” part of my body (any of the ones listed above) because others “should not” be touching it, when in fact I avoid it being touched because I do not want to be reminded of the existence of the body part.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all the limitations I have on my self-expression (the “walls” of discomfort I come across) are in fact a structure I have created in my mind and NOT some universal truth of “shoulds” and “shouldn'ts”.

--

This topic is apparently really vast and this SF seems to be a bit all over the place, so I will continue tomorrow in more specificity. Points to go through:

• private writings on specific people
• definition of attraction
• reserving intimacy for someone “special”
• attraction patterns

Plus others if they emerge.