Days 334-335: Giving feedback to a friend

14, 16102013

Am I being too soft by not being aggressive and critical with the feedback I give my friends?

When I interact with people and notice something I should point out, I am balancing out between being too harsh and too kind on people. The model I have picked up on giving out constructive criticism has been a fairly aggressive and reactive one, and I realize that this is not the best possible way to approach people, because within it I ignore my own reactiveness and blame the other for “not knowing” (making me react). Within this model I also assume the worst of everyone and believe my assumptions without question. Acting from within this model has caused a lot of conflict and friction to occur, and the discussion hasn't really advanced because everyone has been raging at each other.

I have reflected upon the buddhist principle of not saying things that are hurtful to others. I have not been fond of this principle because to meet it seems to encourage people to tip-toe around each other's issues and allow them to live out their shitty patterns – I have seen cowardice in this guideline. It has bothered me throughout the years though, and I have returned to think about it every now and then.

What I have come to realize that the principle does not have to be understood and applied this way. What I see in it is a suggestion to not try and aggravate people – not to provoke – but to instead try to say things in such a way that would be comprehendible to others.

There's been a gradual change in my approach and today I came to think of it when I had a discussion with a friend. She told me about some things that were bothering her in her life – things that are usually considered highly immoral – and I told her my perspective on it. After this she told me that everyone she had talked to about this before had gotten really angry at her and told her that what she is doing is “absolutely wrong”. I only then realized that I hadn't reacted to the information she shared with me in such a way (even though the reaction of “woe the immorality” was there) and that my starting point was not that of aggressive-defensive reactiveness as it had apparently been with her other friends – and I thought to myself: am I being too soft? Should I have told her she is doing “wrong” things? Should I have been more assertive?

I think that my approach may have even helped her, because how I put my words didn't make her flip out. I was honest and direct, but I wasn't accusative. And that may have helped in getting the message across. Making people feel safe may be pretty essential in interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another's description of her actions by thinking “whoa, that's not OK”, not realizing that whatever I consider to be “right” or “wrong” is a subjective standard, no matter how much it benefits the well-being of all life from my perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another based on my standards of “good living”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another without consideration for why she has done the things she has done, not realizing that her mistakes may have been done out of ignorance (not knowing) instead of negligence (not wanting to).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friend to be “immoral” because the story she told me reinforced the mental image I had of her – not realizing that the reality is not black-and-white like that and that she is not doing these things out of malice (at least not yet, as far as I can tell).

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my friend to be “immoral”, “flighty”, “dependent” and “messed up” based on my first impression of her, not realizing that I first met her years ago when her life was much more of a mess than it is right now, and that it is unfair towards her and myself to only see her as a two-dimensional stereotype that is based on her past and mine.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give my friend a chance to show me / myself a chance to see who she is NOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to what my friend told me because I believe and perceive I would not be able to do the things she does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to my friend's actions because if I was faced with similar situations I would freeze with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my fear on my friend by accusing her of being “immoral” (even though this accusation was just a passing thought that never carried onto actions), thus reinforcing the behavioral pattern of labeling all the things I have limited from myself as “bad”/”wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “moralize” others by blaming my own limitations on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my limitations by labeling them “bad”/”wrong” - believing I shouldn't have been able to do them anyway because they're “forbidden”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when I had explained my point of view to my friend, thinking I should be discussing and giving feedback “more like the others”, not realizing that reacting with aggression and blaming it on the other through anger, pity, cruelty or putting her down would not assist and support her in understanding what I'm trying to say and would only alienate her as I would be acting through self-interest – and that there is thus no reason for me to regret the way I put my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being honest with others because I fear they will react and blame their reaction on me, not realizing that no matter my starting point and how carefully I place my words some people might react and blame it on me anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I see something I consider to be dysfunctional, it is my responsibility to point it out and at least discuss it with others as long as we agree on the matter, which is when action can be taken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility of pointing out dysfunctionalities by thinking “it was probably nothing” / “they will figure it out themselves”, thus letting it slip through my fingers, accepting and allowing the dysfunction to continue existing as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my evaluation of what is dysfunctional so that I would have an excuse not to take the risk of getting others angry at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice my integrity and self-trust so that I wouldn't have to face aggression from others.

When and as I discuss with people, I commit myself to focus on asking them questions instead of telling them what to do.

I commit myself to investigate my patterns of interaction and discussion.

I commit myself to make a note of and explore the things I have labeled as “bad”, “wrong” or “immoral” within and as the realization that (at least a part of) the label is there to excuse me from going beyond my comfort zone.

I commit myself to discuss with plenty of people to give myself a chance to practice being honest within discussion.