Day 386: Back on track

15022014

It has been interesting to see what happens when I grow out of the habit of daily writing. Even though I have been going through many points in action, thought and conversation, and also occasionally in spoken self-forgiveness, I am unable to provide a comprehensive documentation of what I have in fact been going through. That is the benefit of writing: there is always evidence to return to, to remind myself with. The past few weeks have slipped by and I don't have a detailed recollection of any but the key events.

This is why, as my schedules are no longer / at the moment as tight as they were, I am returning to daily writing – or more precisely, to my more realistic goal of writing on at least 4 days of the week. I have found that having documentation of my motions is beneficial to my process and development both within the moment and also in the future, as I am able to reflect on the past relying on something more solid than my memories only.

I again have no idea what to write about, so let's see what I find here.

An interesting notion I am making right now as I write is that the way in which I write has somehow changed. I have been both reading and writing massive amounts of mainly scientific material lately due to my studies, and I guess the “firmness” of scientific text is seeping into the way I not only write but also think. This may prove to be a good thing, as it may help me organize my thoughts, emotions and experiences. I am not entirely sure what I mean by “firmness” here, but I think it has something to do with both fluency and clarity. In any case, it's cool to see that there is a difference.

I have been going through many interesting things lately, which I will try to make some kind of a list out of.

• building a partnership / relationship / agreement
  • uncertainty / self-esteem
  • fear of speaking up
  • impatience with another – how to disagree?
• building self-discipline to be able to study/work
  • doing a little at a time – the push to take the steps to study instead of caving in to entertainment
• physical body in constant pain – lack of exercise and effort
  • how to make time for exercise?
  • How to make exercise enjoyable?
  • How to push through the discomfort of moving myself?
• developing participatory leadership with children
  • treating children equally
  • stopping blame and guilting
• loneliness / solitude / socializing
  • “please recognize me” - fear of turning invisible – seeking for a “connection”
  • effort to socialize: why should others come for me?
  • Learning to enjoy men as people, not as potential partners

Quite the list! Lol, and that's not even all of it. Alright, the plan is I start going through these points little at a time, depending on which points are more prominent. It is really nice to be here again, in my writing spot, devoting this section of time for myself only – not in the fuzzy-warm-feeling kind of nice, but, I dunno, a tranquil sort of “nice”, lol. I am giving myself the attention and the care I need by sitting down to discuss with myself through writing. Thanks, me, I appreciate it!

Day 306: How dare you!

02092013

Lately I've been going through the point of reacting with anger to seeing injustice, ignorance or some form of wrong-doing. This point arose when I encountered a homeless man on the street and reacted to the behavior of the other people that were present. A friend gave me some perspective on what happens within that moment of reaction and I found it really helpful.

Just now I faced this point again within a different context, and because it happened to fit this topic precisely I figured I might as well just write it out immediately. Quite cool, huh!

Me and the other administrators at our theatre have been trying to arrange a meeting with one of the city officials to negotiate the terms under which we operate in the facilities we are using. For some years now there has been an ongoing passive-aggressive conflict between this specific city official and the chairman of our theatre group. Our chairman has spoken of this official with heavily emotional words due to her frustration, and while I have tried to keep a neutral position to this person and this mess we are trying to solve – because I simply do not know enough of it and have never even met this official - some of our chairman's words have gotten to me and I have in fact adopted some of her negativity. The “evidence” for her claims has been “convincing” enough for me to believe her interpretation of the situation.

I noticed this just now when I was checking on the details of the meeting we had agreed for tomorrow and found out that the official had to cancel the meeting and now suggested another date and time. I reacted by saying: “I knew it!” This meaning that I had already assumed this official to be disrespectful and inconsiderate towards us based on what I have seen and heard of her actions and attitude so far. There's six of us trying to fit our schedules with hers, and she won't even let us know until we call her the last minute?! That's fucking rude!

But I realized while I was huffing and puffing and swearing in my anger that I was doing it again: I already had an image / assumption about who this city official is based on what I have heard of her in the past; I was interpreting the happenings according to my image/assumption of her; I reacted according to my interpretation; I found my reaction justified; and thus, I held onto my reaction and just wanted to express my anger instead of finding a solution to what I perceived to be “wrong”/unjust (another being inconsiderate).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an image into my mind of a person I have never even interacted with based on what other people have told me about her and my following interpretations of what her influence might have been on actual events/happenings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the justifications others have given for their emotional reactions towards this person, accepting and allowing them to react and be emotional as I have believed that it is enough if I do not react – not realizing that if there's even one person within the group who is allowed to remain angry it will influence the entire group unless we're all stable – which we are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret each new “story” I have heard of this person throughout the years according to what I have heard of her in the past, remembering the anger of others, believing and perceiving that I'm looking at a chain of unjust events when in fact I do not know what actually happened in the past, nor what happened in the present; I do not know who this person is and the consistent anger of others is not “evidence” of this person's unjust nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by another's consistent anger/negativity/frustration by creating a belief that her anger is justified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though what I see here may actually have been a chain of unjust events, the reactions these events have triggered in others are still not justifiable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not know why this person canceled the meeting – there's a million reasons why one would have to cancel an appointment at the last minute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this person canceled the meeting out of ill will, spite and malice based who I believe her to be – who she is as an image in my mind – not realizing that I have seen no actual indication of ill will, spite or malice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that second-hand information is never fully reliable no matter how much I would like to trust its source.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further amplify my reaction of anger by thinking “I am very busy – I went through all this trouble to fit this into my schedule – it will be SO HARD to arrange another appointment – AAAAAA that's so fucking rude of her!” - blaming my own hardship* of arranging a schedule on another.

* A heaviness which I create myself and which doesn't actually exist in the physical reality outside of my conceptual reality.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified to blame a person I have defined as “disrespectful”, “unjust” and “ignorant” (blame-worthy) for my self-created hardship.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that arranging a schedule is difficult, burdensome, hard and demanding and that it is a “big” task – not realizing that people's lives constantly flow and fluctuate and change and that schedules must follow this nature of living – and that arranging a schedule is thus nothing but taking the building blocks of your life and putting them in an order that works best for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a schedule that seems to work best for me, not taking into consideration that when there are other people involved I must find an arrangement that works best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I heard about the meeting being canceled because I assumed the meeting to have been canceled out of malice, not realizing that my interpretation of what's happening is not based on facts gathered NOW, in the present moment, but on images, stories and memories from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is unfair and untrue to evaluate a person based on stories and memories from the past, as I then do not take into consideration who that person is NOW – and that NOW is all that actually matters in time and space as Life is but an ongoing NOW-moment; the past and present do not exist anymore/yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know who a person is even though I have never interacted with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this person a chance to show me who she is; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a chance to see who this person is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reaction of anger by thinking “she is doing wrong” - not realizing that if she indeed is doing something that is not best for all, getting angry about it is not going to change anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what I can do to find a solution for a situation where a lot of people are trying to fit their schedules together and instead lock myself into anger and blame one of these people for “making it difficult” - not realizing that if I experience arranging (this) appointment a “burden” it is my creation and thus my responsibility.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to be aware of the “baggage” of negativity that I have adopted from others concerning her; and I commit myself to look at who she actually is, allowing no bullshit (assumptions, filters, guesswork, hostility, negativity) from myself.

I commit myself to check myself for any want/need/desire to be "above" this person as this approach through arrogance is nothing but a defense mechanism.

I commit myself to ask myself why I fear this person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person based on the stories I have heard of her, not realizing that if she were in fact to abuse her position of authority and power as the stories tell, it would simply mean the end of our theatre as it is at the moment - not the end of the world, that is - and that even that moment of destruction would have many opportunities and open doors.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to stop, breathe and stabilize myself into my physical body. I will engage in eye contact with her and if possible, seek for a physical connection point as well (i.e. handshake). I will expect nothing but the best of her and I will allow her to unravel as she will. I will live as an example by being self-honest, expressive and kind, yet allowing no bullshit from her or anyone else.

I commit myself to seek an understanding of this person as one with and equal to me by placing myself "in her shoes".

--

On a more general scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I see something I perceive and believe to be “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” - within this reaction stating “this is not what I want MY world to be!” - thus manifesting my helplessness, worry and distress through anger, blaming another for “making” my world a bad place, not realizing that the actual cause of a human being acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” is not in the individual alone but in all of society, in all its participants and its structures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I see another acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong”, blaming the other for ruining my reality, not realizing that who the other is within their “unjust”/”ignorant”/”wrong” expression is a manifestation of what the society and the world is – and thus also an expression of who I am, as I am a part of this society/world.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is not “the other” who is ruining my reality but all of us combined, and that it is our responsiblity to assist and support each other to correct what we can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for their mistakes instead of supporting and assisting them to see their mistake and correct their behavior - and/or everyone making the same mistake by studying and addressing the actual cause of the misbehavior and living as an example of self-direction.

I commit myself to study the world I live in - my world! our world! - in order to see, realize and understand the reasons behind the current manifestations of injustice and ignorance so that I may be able to contribute to the solution to these issues.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger to an act of injustice or ignorance - I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am passing the blame for what the world is at the moment onto another person, when in fact we are all responsible for such manifestations of a dysfunctional world. I breathe and I check myself for similar behavior: would I act in a similar way and why? I remind myself that I do not know the exact reasons behind this particular act other than it most likely being connected to fear on some level. I realize that my anger is not justified, and I remind myself that acting through anger will only serve my ego, as I would be trying to enforce "correct behavior" to make my world appear "OK" again. I let go of my anger with self-forgiveness and breathing*. When and as my anger has dissolved I have another look at the situation to see what actually happened - not what I believe to have happened - and I continue with the situation according to common sense, self-honesty and what is best for all.

*If I fail at letting go of the anger in the moment of breath, I commit myself to continue writing about this point until it is done.

Day 295: Singing to succeed

21082013

A few days ago I was a judge in a children's singing contest. It was a semifinal and we had to select a few children who would not be continuing to the final round which is held this weekend. After the contest a father approached me and another judge, telling us that his daughter had been dropped from the final and asking for specific feedback on what his daughter could improve; why exactly did she not make it?

I went through my notes and remembered this girl having been the least developed singer of the bunch, mainly because her singing was really forced and violent. I explained to the father the technical issues and basically told him that the girl needs to relax, and that she has to be given time to develop, because the voice of a child goes through a huge maturing process simply through the growth of the physical body. The judge I was with also gave her point of view which followed along the same lines as my feedback.

As I observed the father I noticed a huge tension in him. He told us how disappointed the girl is, because she has been in many contests never succeeding. I could see him anxious for his child's happiness and success, and the way he was doing it out of fear was pulling him, straining him; the feedback we gave was difficult for him to take because there was no comfort there; there was no quick fix to the child's “issue”, the boulder keeping her from happiness – what she believes she needs to be happy. I don't know how he broke it down to the child, but I hope he got my point about relaxing about it.

This got me thinking about my own childhood. I was taken to numerous singing contests ever since the age 6. I won the very first contest I attended, and ever since then I went to more and more contests in search of more success. I enjoyed the contests because it usually meant I could learn new songs and perform in front of people, and we usually also took a trip somewhere special so that I could attend the contest. It was a good way to motivate me to practice singing and performing and I learned a lot through it.

But there was also a negative side to it. My mother really wanted me to go to these contests because otherwise my “talent” would “go to waste”. She perceived and believed success in music to be measured by exposure, fame, awards and recordings, and I don't blame her because that's the limited way our culture defines music. She wanted me to have all the chances to express and explore myself that she didn't have growing up in a really poor family. Her enthusiasm topped mine, and eventually the contests became a strain to me, I felt like I was forced to do things, I felt disappointed when I didn't win (I rarely did), I felt like I was being forced into a mold that I didn't want to fit in. So in my teens I told my mother I didn't want to do it anymore and so she stopped pushing me, although expressing her great regret about it.

When I return to thinking about that very first contest I attended and won, I realize it has been a turning point, a defining moment. I was a very small girl and I have very vague memories of that situation. I can't remember the moment I got up on the stage and sang, but I do remember the moment the results were announced, I was declared winner and my family told me to get up and get my trophy. What I remember of this moment is noticing my family's agitation. All of my family, my parents and my three siblings, were with me (a rare occasion), and I remember my sister, my idol and anchor, was sitting next to me. I didn't really understand what the announcers were saying, but I remember they announced the results so that my family could guess that I was the winner before anyone said it because I was the only one left without a reward. I remember this wave of excitement coming from my family sitting on my left side, them being all “oh my god did she?” “can it be?” “oh wow you won!”, surprised and overjoyed and excited for me. I didn't understand what “winning” meant, but from my family's reaction I gathered that I had done something positive, I had succeeded. I walked down to the stage to be awarded, and the judges handed me a huge, heavy trophy, making a joke that I might not be able to lift it (I was tiny) and everyone in the audience laughing in approval of my adorable victory.

I see that the reaction of my family defined the moment for me, because their emotional response was overflowing, it was really “big” for me. Their joy represented acceptance, ultimate acceptance, and topped with the huge trophy the moment was somehow “crowned”. In order to get that ultimate acceptance I would have to succeed in the same way. This is where I started to define myself according to my singing: it was my strength, my asset, and I would have to be the best to remain accepted in the eyes of others. The fact that the victory is the only thing I remember of the contest is revealing, because my memory has selected not to remember the singing - the moment of expression - at all. All my memory selected is the moment of positive reinforcement.

So most of my life (ever since the age 6) I have been in search of that ultimate acceptance, which I believed to be found in other people, in my success, and not from within myself. This is probably one of the reasons why I react to disapproval / rejection / failure so strongly. I am afraid that when I express myself I will not be accepted – that I will be rejected as I was so many times in all those singing contests. Of course my history in being bullied in school also has a part to play, but I see that the bullying and the search for approval in contests are interlinked: they are my childhood, who I was back then. Through writing I am slowly piecing together my past so that my childhood/adolescence would make sense to me – that I would see the big picture – and every time I actually go through a specific memory like I did above I see the big picture getting a little bit clearer. I have been postponing going through a lot of things in my past but now I see I can no longer do that. I want to understand who I am now and why I keep messing shit up (there is one major underlying issue I haven't gotten hold of yet), and the way there goes through my past. Thus:

I commit myself to write about a memory from my past every day from now on until I am done with my past.

• I may write about the memory in my blog
• I may write about the memory separately from my blog posts
• I choose whichever memory seems to be “on the surface”
• I will have a specific notebook with me so that I will be able to do this anywhere

I commit myself to this challenge and project within and as the realization that the key to who I am now lies in my past in all the moments that have led up to this moment as everything I am now has accumulated over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing to this project because it appears long, time-consuming and, as my thoughts put it, “daunting” - not realizing that my past is not infinite and that eventually I will have gone through all of it, as long as I do it consistently: a little at a time at regular intervals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this commitment because I believe and perceive it is “too much” for me in addition to writing a blog, attending the DIP Lite course AND studying and working and living a life – not realizing that I have already committed to the Journey To Life project, where I will write a blog for seven fucking years, and that an additional project of opening a memory each day is not much compared to or in addition to that – and they might actually contribute to each other!

I commit myself to embrace this new challenge within and as the realization that it is what is best for me and thus also what is best for all.

Days 259-260: Falling from the present

18-19062013

Head full of thoughts. (a graffiti in Seoul)

I have been unable to sleep for a few nights and I am seeing its effect on my health, because I have been catching a cold and not getting sleep is making it worse. The reason I have not been sleeping is because I have had too many thoughts running through my mind. At the moment I have a lot of new things to process, and they hold many insecurity factors that make it impossible for me to lay them aside when there is nothing I can do about them but wait. I have today been writing them out in order to see what's going on and to thus stop them from running around rampantly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted from the reality around me with thoughts concerning the past and the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my grip on what is here right now at hand by giving permission to my thoughts to direct me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to value my thoughts about the past and the future more than what is here right now in actual reality as I have not realized that the past and the future are both created in this very moment of breath, and that by clinging onto moments that are not here (yet/anymore) I ignore, misuse and degrade the one and only present-moment that I have got.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every time I lose myself into thoughts I also fall out of breath and thus lock my entire body into a state of tension, rigidness and stagnation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the extent of the physical damage I do onto myself when and as I accept and allow myself to be directed by my thoughts into a physical state of tension.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have been lost in my thoughts and ignoring the present moment, to not be aware of the possibilities each and every present moment offers me in terms of activities, socializing and physical location.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be so concerned/exited/agitated about the life I have lived so far and the life that I am going to live in the future that I have forgotten that what actually matters is how I live my present moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the company of people when and as I have been preoccupied by thoughts of the past and the future and to justify this by thinking “I don't always have to be social” - not realizing that my resentment of company is a way for me to escape the present moment / physical reality into imagined mind-realities of the past and present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape my physical reality into my imagination in the form of past memories and future scenarios.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that me pulling away from social interaction - which is normally an effortless and enjoyable activity - is a sign of a malfunction which should be addressed for the sake of my own well-being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify ignoring the signs of my malfunction by thinking “I don't always have to be social”, not realizing that I here give directive power and value to fickle feelings that do not have any clear reason other than “just because I feel like it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by a feeling, not realizing that feelings are always temporary and fade eventually and that thus they cannot be a valid building block in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that every action and inaction builds who I am, and that every time I accept and allow a feeling to direct me into action/inaction I build myself to live out moodiness and unreliability and direct myself further away from stability – and that the results of this process of building will take double the time to take apart and reconstruct.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself in escapism and to thus lose my power to direct myself, my actions and my life.

I am starting to see what may have happened while I've been traveling and why I for example had trouble writing at one point – I saw it then already but wouldn't admit it. I will open up the point further in private and share what I find later on.

I commit myself to continue practicing my breathing in order to bring myself back to balance and stability within and as the realization that once I have fallen from self-aware breathing it will require conscious efforts and pushing to bring me back to that state of physical presence.

I commit myself to write down into my notebook the thoughts running around in my mind in order to pin them down, open them up in writing and to direct them instead of having them direct me – putting myself back “in the wheel”.

I commit myself to write down a clear plan on what I can do to prepare for things in my future and to get those things done as soon as possible – and I commit myself to set aside all the things I have no influence over at the moment within and as the realization that worrying about them is a waste of time and an act of abuse on this one and only now-moment.

Days 215-216: Childhood poverty, introduction

25-26042013

I played on the sandbox a lot.

I've been studying for my university entrance exams (education sciences), and one of the articles included in the material is about how children perceive, experience and justify economic inequality and how it affects their everyday lives. The article concludes that here in Finland very little, if any, research has been done on this subject, and globally even though the subject has been studied it has been mainly from an adult point of view – for example, by asking children how they perceive economic inequality in terms of professional and educational differences, when the children in fact have no direct contact with this aspect of life; children do not think in terms of professional hierarchy, and if they do, it is through what they have learned by looking at their parents and not by living it themselves.

The subject is very interesting, and it got me thinking about my childhood experiences of financial inequality, scarcity and near-poverty. My family was never as poor as i.e. these families in this documentary, and it may be that in Finland such extreme poverty is not (yet) that common or that it is hidden, which may in turn explain the fact that there aren't much studies of child poverty in Finland. My point is, even though we as a family didn't lose our house (we had to sell off land, though) and never had to starve, as compared to other kids I experienced myself as poor and defined our family as poor.

The financial crisis of the 1990's hit our family pretty hard. We ended up in a lot of debt with two low-paid working adults and four children from age 1 to 13. I was around 3-4 years old at the time and have no recollection of “the better days” when we apparently had a pretty high living standard, so as far as I remember we have always been struggling to survive. We always bought the cheapest food and my mother cooked everything from the start; there was barely money for the most necessary clothes and shoes; we could not afford to buy CD's and so we mostly got illegal copies. I remember there being an argument about my sister wanting/needing a new winter coat and us not being able to afford it. I remember some occasions where my father had got an assignment done and come home proud and relieved with plenty of money. I remember looking at the most expensive and fancy toys at the toy store and my mother always telling me we can't afford them. I remember my mother picking violin as my instrument because I could borrow it from the music school and wouldn't have to spend money to buy my own. I remember the time I got my first legal CD and I remember thinking “wow, this is expensive”. I remember my mother's anxiety as the worried look on her face which surfaced every time I asked to buy new clothes. I remember piles of bills and reminders and the tone with which bills were discussed in our household. I remember my parents being resistant to pay the bills because they never had the money to cover all of them. I remember the disappointments with the debt and how it never seemed to get paid off. I remember asking my mother how much money she makes and her refusing to tell me – I was starting to understand money and income and wanted to know what our situation was – I wanted to participate but got refused. I'm starting to piece together how these experiences have affected my relationship to money, survival, consuming, working and getting paid.

As compared to the poverty of the lowest social class of the westernized world* my situation was bearable, at least for me if not for my parents**. This shows that the experience of poverty for me was partly subjective, as I was never deprived of food or shelter (actual physical needs) but felt “left out” without all the fun things the world was offering but which were “restricted” and “out of my reach”. My poverty was not extreme poverty from which one can die, but a cultural and societal poverty of being denied the possibility to explore the world. I was alive but in terms of society my movements were restricted.

The material I'm studying explained that a child may feel ashamed and guilty for not having the same material things that others do, and that this causes the child to feel “left out”, missing out on the feeling of “belonging somewhere”. I asked myself: if the other children who had all the material stuff were to not judge the poor(er) child for not having materia? What if these other children were to accept the child as he/she is, with no regard to possessions? What if this child still insisted on feeling “left out” even if his/her environment did not “make him/her” feel like it? Then it would mean that the cause of feeling “left out” wouldn't be in group pressure but in the concept of ownership: if there is something that is out of one's reach, “restricted”, one is going to long for it if one has decided it to be “valuable”. So when there is a world with unreasonable boundaries there is always going to something “restricted”, and when the people living within it create desires and emotional bonds to materia there are going to be “valuable” items.

So how does this apply to me, my experience of poverty, my definition of myself as poor? First off, I can see that growing up believing that some things were “out of my reach” has passivate me: I have had little to no regard for how the society functions and how one is able to influence it. I simply believed it to be impossible or at least very difficult and troublesome, and so I became a limp and drowsy child (and an adult) with little interest to do anything at all but things that brought me instant pleasure. I learned helplessness and powerlessness from being “tied down”. I have also felt like an “outsider” because of my lack of material resources and become extremely separated from others, first through grief and jealousy and then through spite.

So, points I'm going to elaborate on:

• Childhood experience of poverty and restriction causing passiveness
• “Not belonging” because of poverty (identifying myself as poor and separating myself from others)
• Relationship to money, survival and working
• Relationship to ownership (blood ties)
• Social relations with friends and foes affected by poverty
• Poverty as an attitude learned from parents (spite towards society)

Cool. I'm going to continue from here.

* I'm not going to compare myself to the lowest social classes of the developing countries – people living in extreme poverty – because that comparison here would not serve any purpose.

** I'm not sure why parents choose to not involve their children in their financial struggles even though this directly influences the entire family. Some even sacrifice their own needs to provide the child with the social resources (toys, clothes, traveling, pocket money etc.) that ensure acceptance from other children so that the child could “make it” in this world – with no consideration to the fact that the child learns to live within a facade and believes that what you own defines your value. An interesting topic in itself, this one.

Days 210-211: Misunderstandings

20-21042013

As I have now been studying for my entrance exams I have been thinking about different studying techniques, and today I came across I memory from my teen years. When I was in junior high school (age 12-15) I had a friend who did very well in school. She once shared with us some of her methods for studying, which were i.e. reading the most relevant information right before going to bed so that it would have time to “brew” at the “back of her head”; and also keeping her school books next to her bed so that if she happened to wake up in the middle of the night she could read something from the book and then go back to sleep. I remember myself being overwhelmed by this as I could not conceive why anyone would want to study so much – my motivation to study was not that high – and I thought she was “odd” and “crazy” to study at times which I considered to be reserved for resting and when I would rather just read comics or prose. I remember myself and some other girls in the same group voicing this opinion of her being “odd” for doing such things – I did not mean ay harm by it, but was simply expressing my bewilderment.

So I realized how she might have actually interpreted this expression wrong. I realized that as I called her “odd” and “crazy” she might have taken this as a malicious act and experienced herself to have been teased, bullied and/or belittled by me/us. I then realized that some of my experiences of being bullied may have been similar misunderstandings, where I take the self-expression of another personally as it is not directly communicated that “I am now expressing my overwhelmedness”, lol, there are not many children who know how to do that.

As I was writing out the memory I also realized that I am not sure how my self-expression affected the expression and opinion of others. Within that group of friends my expression was quite powerful and unlimited – I had friends whom I could relax with and I was testing out different levels of dominance as my friends were somewhat submissive themselves. So when I expressed my overwhelmedness I remember the group being supportive of what I said – that she was “odd” and “crazy” - but I just now realized that I may have overridden people who were easy to influence with my opinions, causing them to agree with me as I was in an authoritative position because of my dominant expression. Which means that I just now realized what my responsibility was within that situation. This dominance that the group accepted and allowed me to uphold and execute was one of the things that led to the group breaking up later on, as the others started to resent my self-expression and later on excluded me from the group.

So what I'm seeing here is that a lot of my experiences with bullying may have been similar incidents where spite was suppressed and accumulated as I took things personally when they were not meant as such, and that I myself may have caused many similar situations as I have not realized my responsibility to be clear on my communication. This may be occurring even now as I'm becoming more honest and straightforward in my words yet not taking into consideration that my responsibility is to communicate myself as clearly as possible to avoid misunderstandings. Simply voicing my starting point – that I do not mean any harm but am instead communicating from this and this perspective – would be a great start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another's self-expression personally as I have misinterpreted their words, tone and gestures to be a direct judgement of who I am, not seeing that it may simply be their self-expression of their experience which I do not fully grasp i.e. because of faults in communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the effects my self-expression as words, tone and gestures has on others when unclearly communicated and to not realize my responsibility within interaction to do my best to be understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell another being that she is “odd” and “crazy” without specifying that this is my reaction to my world-view clashing with another's which seemed “alien” to me as I had not yet at the time realized and learned to express that this is the process that I went through within that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as a participant of interaction by assertively defining another being without specifying that this is by no means a valid assessment of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my position within the above-mentioned group of friends by testing out different ways to dominate, control and lead others, not realizing that I was taking advantage of people who expressed their insecurity through submission whereas I expressed my insecurity through dominance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as an equal participant of interaction by not being clear on my communication by thinking “oh well, I guess they got my point” and letting the unclear moments slip by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be sensitive about the reactions of others as indicators of possible misunderstandings where I could then correct my expression accordingly to do what I can to avoid possible conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify abdicating my responsibility to correct unclear communication with the belief that people understand each other even without everything being voiced, not realizing that I am using this belief to not voice things that I find uncomfortable communicating to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have noticed another to react which may have indicated a misunderstanding, to react with fear and choose to “skip” clarifying my expression to another by thinking “oh well, I guess he/she got my point” so that I could avoid what I fear, which here is the possibility of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within my fear of conflict to ignore possible signs of misunderstandings (i.e. in the body language of others) so that I wouldn't have to solve the misunderstanding, because I fear that the process of solving a misunderstanding would lead to conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that attempting to solve a misunderstanding will probably lead to conflict and to thus fear solving misunderstandings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this belief/perception that attempts to clear things out will become conflicts based on previous situations where I have tried to clear things out and have failed.

• Numerous memories arise concerning this:
  • In elementary school (age 9-10) when all my friends collectively decided to ignore me and no longer be friends with me I tried to solve the situation but no one would engage in discussion with me > I felt abandoned and powerless > my attempt proved futile because no one would respond.
  • When I was around 19 a friend of mine accused me of “idolizing my sister”, which was a perception she appeared to base on who I had been as a child but was no more. I told her this was no longer true and she would not believe me, and I felt that I was unfairly judged > my attempt to solve a misunderstanding proved futile because another would not listen to my words over her belief > I felt judged and misunderstood.
  • Around the age 20 I tried to speak to a group of friends about a communication issue I had noticed within the group. I sent everyone a message where I directly addressed the issue (people talking shit behind each other's backs and not communicating directly to each other) and nobody replied. I was later on excluded from the group and from this I concluded that the habit of talking shit about people behind their backs continued in my case as well. > I realize that in this case I was reactive within the message I sent as I was frustrated and wanted someone to interact with me instead of “fading away” as they always did > I felt like the interaction was a failure because I got no response.

In all of the above-mentioned memories the common nominator for “failure” is [the lack of response], which I now see, realize and understand to not be something I can influence, as each and every person makes their own choices and I cannot make another person engage in a conversation to clear things up if they do not want to. I see that I have felt myself judged in these situations through “silent rejection” and thus started to fear situations like this. I have thus connected [attempting to solve a situation] to [rejection] which I have blamed on myself through feeling judged, which is in fact self-judgement through the eyes of others. I have not seen, realized and understood that the lack of response from others is “out of my hands” - I have done all I could, and if others haven't joined in it is their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame it on myself when another person does not respond to my attempt to communicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unfairly judged when another person chooses to believe their perception of me instead of seeing who I actually am, clinging onto the feeling of unfairness because I have assigned the perception of others the power to define me and thus feel conflicted because I do not want to be defined like I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another chooses to believe their perception of something over the actual reality it is their loss and not a choice I can make for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I was not listened to within a conversation, to get frustrated with the other person(s), thinking “why are you such idiots?”, “why won't you listen?”, “hello, I'm right here!”, “what's wrong with you?”, “come ON, just speak to me!” - as I have not seen, realized and understood that the choices of others are theirs to make and that I cannot make another reply, becoming frustrated as I have taken this failure in communication personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to the lack of response from others, assuming others to judge me and talk shit about me behind my back if they do not respond, thus trying even harder to get them to respond as an attempt to stop the judgement and bad-mouthing, and getting frustrated when I fail as I see my attempts to stop the habits of others to not be working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get desperate when others have ignored my attempt to face them in honesty as I have feared the judgement they appear likely to pass on me as I have taken the risk to speak straightforwardly about what's actually going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of it as a “risk” to address what's actually going on because I have seen how few ever seize that opportunity and how many choose to ignore it and what the consequences are to me (judgement, loss).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when others choose to ignore a window of opportunity.

Alright, bringing this back to the original topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear solving misunderstandings in conversation and other communication because I have feared that the response will be rejection or “silent rejection” through shown or covered judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another's decline to solve a misunderstanding because I fear their perception, opinion and evaluation of me and that the decline indicates that I am seen as “less” than I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to another's perception/opinion of me because others have been my only source of acceptance for all of my life so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others by believing the perception/opinion others appear to have of me, not standing within and as myself in self-certainty here in the physical where there is no doubt of who I am but only looking at reflections of myself within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another ignores the opportunity to solve a misunderstanding and feel disappointed, and based on this create a resistance to even try to solve misunderstandings because I fear the reaction of the other will be negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it upon myself when an attempt to solve a misunderstanding fails, not realizing that within interaction there are multiple participants and that each participant carries an equal responsibility over the interaction – not just me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to try and solve a misunderstanding when and as I see the possibility that there is a misunderstanding, because I as the one who notices am responsible, and that my best attempt to solve a misunderstanding is to carry my responsibility no matter how the other responds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another will not try to solve the misunderstanding with me but instead ignores, belittles or judges the opportunity, this is their choice which I cannot make for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is important to walk through these situations where “nothing appears to change” because they might have an effect on the other's process in ways invisible to me, and also because within them I practice assertiveness, self-honest communication and self-leadership.

I commit myself to do my best within communication to be understood as I see, realize and understand this to be the purpose of all communication, and I commit myself to do this by:

• being clear/self-honest on what I mean with the words I use
• being sensitive to others to see if there is understanding
• when noticing a possible misunderstanding, addressing it and clarifying myself when/if necessary

I commit myself to not let misunderstandings slip by by facing my fear, realizing it is not valid and pushing through by opening my mouth and speaking even if unplanned.

When and as I notice a misunderstanding and think “oh well, maybe they got my point” - I stop, I breathe and I realize I am using this belief that people understand each other without direct communication as a justification to avoid the possible conflict that may come from attempting to solve a misunderstanding. I realize this belief to be bollocks. I realize that if others were to react negatively to my attempt to directly address what's going on, it would be nothing personal towards me but others choosing to ignore a window of opportunity. I then proceed to solve the misunderstanding according to the situation – mainly by asking if there was a misunderstanding or not and clarifying myself when necessary.

I commit myself to keep myself grounded within my physical in self-certainty when communicating with others by stabilizing myself in slow and steady breath, sensing my entire body from head to toe and being aware of my centre of gravity – thus living as a physical expression of self-acceptance.