sunnuntai 6. lokakuuta 2013

Day 328: Attraction - part 6 - intermission


This post is a part of the following series:

I've been meaning to “wrap up” the attraction series by writing commitment statements on it, but something else relating to the subject has surfaced, and I need to write about it first to get some clarity.

Yesterday within the time span of 4 hours two people asked me out on a date and a third one expressed his interest. Now, because I have been very withdrawn and shy throughout my life I haven't really come across situations like this before (I've only had, like, ONE dating request per day, thankyouverymuch), so I have been surprised and confused about all this unrequested attention, especially because I have had feelings of attraction towards some other people I've met recently. The thing is, I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's behind the resentment?

I am asking myself: what have I done to “ask for attention”? Am I somehow sending a message that says “I'm available, come and get meeeeee”? Who have I been within the interaction with the people from yesterday – have I been sending cues?

I realize that with two out of three I have had fleeting thoughts of “what if” - in other words, I have considered them as possible partners if only for a little while. This, of course, can be picked up in my behavior. The thing is, with these guys I have already decided (based on the few encounters I've had with them) that I will not go into an intimate relationship with either one. But hang on, what exactly do I base this decision on? The resentment I have? Isn't fear what's behind the resentment? If so, why would I succumb to my fear and stay within my comfort zone? Isn't that precisely where I stagnate?

The thing is, I fear getting too close to people whom I perceive to be “beggars” - looking for company out of dependency. These kinds of people I usually kindly turn away, and one of the guys from yesterday to me appears to be “one of them” - although I really can't say because I've only met him very briefly. I do not want to support anyone's addictions, and this is why I find this principle one that I will stick to, as long as I take care to not assume people to be what I believe them to be and to communicate myself properly to the other.

Right, so long story short: in my surroundings there are people I am attracted towards and with whom I feel comfortable and “nice” all around – there's a positive excitement. And there are also people I have been approached by and who on some level do seem genuinely interesting – but not in the romantic, exciting, feelgood way. AND there's also people that I am even frightened of because of what I see of myself with them. My problem is, I don't how to “organize” my situation, so to speak – how to define all these people, what I do with them, what is “allowed” and all that. In other words: by going through what I have in these attraction series so far about polygamy, limitations, self-expression and fear of undefined relationships, I have actually summoned this situation upon myself. Lol, what a fucking challenge! Thanks a lot, me! Lol, no really, I am quite cool with this now that I'm somehow starting to grasp what's going on.

There are some specific points relating to this situation that I will go through.

  • reaction to a romantic gesture: “did I insult him by not responding to his gesture?”
    • the “pleaser girlfriend” / “ideal girlfriend” persona – wanting the other to feel good and thus responding as I think I “should” respond
  • accepting date requests – not being able to say “no”
  • private writings on each person specifically
  • resentment and fear
  • plus others that emerge while going through what I wrote today.

Alright, I will continue tomorrow.

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