Day 371: Dissolving an emotion: remnants of a panic disorder

26122013

Yesterday I watched a movie which was really shocking and heavy for me to experience. After the movie I had to cry and speak to express some of the emotion that had gathered onto my chest, but for some reason this was not enough. I felt as if I wanted to curl up, be held, be comforted, block out my surroundings. For a while I played along with this desire, seeking for the closeness of another person. But then I started to realize the emotion was still there and blocking me. I started to describe out loud how I felt and I realized that my entire body was collapsing around the weight in my chest. I tried to physically straighten myself up, stand up, open my chest, and I couldn't do it, it was too heavy: as soon as I stood up I wanted go back into hiding, and as I forced myself to stand I could do nothing but moan and breathe.

What helped here was that I allowed myself to curl up into a comfortable spot, which is where I started to go through the reactions I had had towards what was shown in the movie. I used self-forgiveness to face the reasons for my reactions, many so intimate that I can rarely talk about them to anyone. As I went through the reactions I would go through the emotions again, the wave of energy crashing over me, but this time as I went through the specific trigger points the emotions actually dissolved. I focused on my breathing and little by little straightened myself up when opening my chest no longer felt unbearable.

What I realized here is that when I feel heavy emotions (which happens quite rarely) I have a tendency to allow myself to seek for comfort and brush the emotions aside instead of dealing with them directly. For example, when emotions accumulate into my chest, I just want to curl up and be comfortable.

I now see and realize that I have a habit of ignoring heavy emotions for the sake of comfort and that to continue with the habit is to suppress myself and not utilize emotions as indicators of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I feel negative emotions in my chest area, to follow that energy and curl up my body around my chest area as if to protect, crystallize and lock in the emotions that I feel.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question the fact that I respond to heaviness in my chest by curling up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the emotions by curling up instead of facing and embracing them by straightening up and opening my chest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing my emotions because I have feared that they would be “too much” for me; that I would not be able to handle the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to magnify and worsen emotions through my thoughts when and as they are experienced – thinking “oh no, this is so horrible” etc. - thus “fueling the fire” and making an emotion last longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that an emotion is but energy within my body which can be released once seen and understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to deal with emotions, not realizing that the process of walking through an emotion is something I already know: to recognize, pinpoint and identify the emotion, to find the appropriate ways of physically expressing and venting out the emotion and to release the emotion by embracing it through self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not be able to dissolve an emotion and accumulate this fear into a panic, thus losing control of my breath (hyperventilation) and locking myself into an emotional clusterfuck (a panic attack that wears out as I run out of stamina).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust that as long as I keep myself to the basics (breathing, movement, speech/writing) I will be able to walk my way through anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the reason I developed a panic disorder around the age of 16 (which continued for years to come) was most likely because of pent up emotions that I did not know how to express or did not want to face.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to learn to hide and suppress my emotions as a child because within my family dynamics I felt as if there was no room for my emotions as it already seemed chaotic enough to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm myself by suppressing myself and collapsing inwards for the sake of a sense of balance and harmony within my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of curling up to hide my emotions from myself as well as from others.

When and as I see myself physically curling up, I stop, I breathe and I check myself for emotions and energies, both in the body and the mind. If there is emotion/energy within me, I focus on my breath and try to open up my physique. I investigate the trigger/reaction points that have started the emotion/energy and I use self-forgiveness if necessary to release the emotion/energy. I slow down in breath and I continue with this for as long as it takes for the emotion/energy to dissipate.

I commit myself to investigate how I suppress myself emotionally in my current living.

Day 274: Overeating

12072013

While traveling I have often fallen to eating too much. Sometimes it happens because I am bored and find nothing else to entertain myself with, and sometimes I think ahead and try to make sure I don't get hungry in the future, in case there is a situation where I will be unable to obtain food. A couple of days ago this habit of constantly being full and straining my digestion system led to me getting sick. I have been unable to eat because my intestines are too worn out to process food so nothing stays in. This has forced me to spend my time mostly fasting, which I am grateful of, because I have known and seen that I am doing damage onto myself but have not known how to say no to food when it's so plentifully offered everywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to my body when choosing how, what and when to eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as eating is primarily a physical function, what I need to listen to while eating is my physical body, not my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat to satisfy my mind instead of eating to satisfy my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with eating when I am bored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as a way to escape the reality that is here – the reality that to me seems “boring” - without stopping to ask myself why it is that I see no other way to direct that moment of boredom; why is it that I use food as an escape and what am I escaping from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to eat the food I am offered as I fear that the other will be offended if I do not eat the food – not realizing that the whims of others should not be my primary concern when choosing how, what and when to eat but my physical body which carries all the actual consequences of eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to empty my plate even if there is too much food on it because as a child I have been taught that “I should not leave food on my plate” – not realizing that I have not considered why I have been taught such a rule nor have I asked myself why I should continue living according to such a rule if it compromises the well-being of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not finishing my food because I fear that I will offend the person who made the food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not finishing my food because I fear that others will judge me for wasting food as a valuable resource.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I have no say over the size of the portion of food I am not responsible for finishing it, although I am responsible to find other solutions to the situation (i.e. giving the rest of the food to someone else; advising the one who gave the food to give out smaller portions).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is possible to “eat for the future” - that it is possible for me to avoid future hunger by eating now even though I am not hungry – not realizing that this is not physically possible without me damaging myself as when I eat when I am not hungry I am acting against the needs of my physical body by stuffing myself with “fuel” even though my “tank” is full.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect hunger as a sign of a physical need but to fear hunger as a sign of possible suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will go hungry and not have food to satisfy this need because I fear the experience of hunger and resent the discomfort it causes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the experience of hunger and try to run from it by keeping myself fully fed as often as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with panic to the physical sensation of hunger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the sensation of hunger as a sign that my body is functioning as it should.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hunger is a sign of a healthy body communicating its needs and NOT something I need to be afraid of as I live in such a fortunate position where I will (most likely) always be able to obtain some kind of food to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I will not die of hunger in a few hours and that temporary hunger is thus no reason to panic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are other solutions to future hunger than stuffing myself with food beforehand, such as carrying food with me to eat when I do in fact get hungry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tempted to eat the food I carry with me for future hunger even if I do not get hungry, feeling that I “should” eat the food now that it's there for me already, not realizing that if I simply do not get hungry I can just as well save it for later or give it away.

When and as I feel like eating – I stop, I breathe and I return my focus to my body. I ask myself whether I am actually in the need of food. If I am, I proceed to eating. If I am not actually in the need of food and still feel like eating, I ask myself what need I am trying to fulfill with eating. I stabilize myself within breath as one with my body and move myself out of the mental desire to eat by directing myself to do something else instead. If I fail to do so, I open the point further in writing.

When and as I am offered food – I stop, I breathe and I do not respond. I realize that my response is usually an automatic “yes” that does not consider my physical existence but only seeks to satisfy my mind. I stabilize myself in breath and I move my focus to my physical body. I ask myself whether I am actually in the need of food (and especially the kind of food that is being offered). If I am, I accept the food that is offered. If I am not actually in the need of food I decline the food that is offered, and in order to avoid any misunderstandings I communicate the reason for my refusal.

When and as I eat – I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that when I am not here as one with my body when eating, I do not listen to my body and tend to eat too much. I slow myself down with breathing and move my focus onto the act of eating ONLY. I keep my focus on the food as it goes down to my stomach and remain aware of the sensations of my stomach. I pause eating after each mouthful to listen to my body and to give my body time to adjust to the food it has received. When and as my body tells me it has had enough food I stop eating. If there is food left, I consider the options available for utilizing the food (i.e. giving away, saving for later). I choose the option that I assess to be the best for all.

I commit myself to utilize the self-corrective statements above in my everyday life starting NOW and if I run into any trouble while doing so I commit myself to write about whatever points I face.

I commit myself to trust myself to carry myself through hunger with stability in breathing and to show myself there is nothing to fear, nothing to escape, nothing to run from.