Day 389: A "good student" dilemma - part 2: self-forgiveness

22022014

Are guidelines like this actually used somewhere?

This post is a continuation to:

Day 388: Feeling like a loser - a "good student" dilemma

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get disappointed in myself when I didn't get a “good grade”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to get a “good grade” because I associated the way I had worked for the assignment (long hours, lots of work, enthusiasm, self-expansion) with situations where I have previously done the same in school and almost always been “rewarded” for it with a “good grade”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that basic schooling and university are different by principle (public vs. private interest), and that I cannot thus expect the same kind of approach on pedagogy and learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect university to be “fair” as I experienced my basic schooling (primary & high school), not realizing that even though basic schooling seemed “fair” and “rewarding” to me, it certainly wasn't that for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that during my basic schooling I was one of the few privileged kids who had the skills and assets the school system seeks and rewards, and that the fact that I was well-off didn't mean that I worked hard and the others were simply lazy: it was often the exact opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all throughout my life I have been blind to the discriminating nature of the school system because I was one of those who got rewarded within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at “the world” when I didn't get a “good grade”, as I had expected myself to get one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand that “the world” gives me “good grades”, as if it owes me recognition, as I have in school learned that hard work will be rewarded externally through praise and that I do not need to show myself acceptance – or that self-acceptance is not “enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the school system I have learned to be reliant on external validation, as I got addicted to the “feelgood” (elevation, pride, high status, acceptance, ego) I got whenever I was rewarded with praise or “good grades”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though the school system itself is partially responsible for abusing young people, I am responsible for unlearning this addiction because nobody else can do it for me; I may have learned it while I was an incapable child, but I've continued to reinforce it during my adult years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I demand “the world” to give me recognition, it's as if I'm demanding for my “fix”: “I've earned my heroin, give it to me goddammit!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “good grades” as those above a specified average (for example: above 8 on the scale 4-10; above 3 on the scale 0-5), as this is how the school system has defined the division between “good”, “average” and “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a “good grade” means that I have done well and that I am somehow exceptional, not realizing that the measures of “goodness” in school are arbitrary and have nothing to do with the value of the person in question, but are in fact there just to pinpoint and select certain kinds of individuals for specific tasks, jobs and career paths in the society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that the evaluation system in university works like the evaluation system I had during my basic schooling, not realizing that whereas basic education is based on the principle of supporting individual growth through encouragement (with the exception of individual teachers), university is based on producing uniform professionals through strict assessment (with the exception of individual teachers).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect support and encouragement from university evaluation as this is what I have gotten used to during my basic schooling, not realizing that this expectation is unrealistic as the world of university is at the moment not about learning for the sake of learning but learning for the sake of winning – learning for self instead of learning for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect anyone at university to give a rat's ass about my individual experience of growth, not realizing that apart from the faculty of education this expectation is in fact unrealistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher for wording the assignment unclearly, not realizing that I am responsible for assuming that I understood the assignment, and that in the “game of university” I need to read the assignments like the “devil reads the bible” and ask dumbed-down questions until nothing about the assignment remains unclear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel my frustration for “the world” towards my teacher in aggressive thoughts and words, accusations and belittling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the feedback I have received at university, not realizing that by resenting it I incapacitate myself from learning anything from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that once I stop taking the university feedback personally – reacting with anger, resentment, irritation, frustration / excitement, pride, joy, glee – I can actually learn the rules of “the game” from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate my self-disappointment (“I failed” = “I suck at studying”) to a point where I lose all motivation to do my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on studying the instant when the external feedback doesn't validate my personal experience (enjoyment in studying).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle my personal experience of enjoying studying when I didn't get rewarded for it, thinking “what's it worth when it gets me nothing”, thus ignoring the self-expansion that happens when I study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that studying itself is not about the credentials I get from it but about self-expansion – learning and growing – and that even though the credentials may be important in “the game of life”, they lose their importance the second when this imaginary world construct collapses, thus leaving only personal assets practically valuable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't “make it” in the “game of life”, thus reacting whenever my grades aren't as good as I expect them to be as I see them as a gateway to success in “the game”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my sight of the “big picture” - studying for self-expansion and for life, and playing “the game” on the side if possible – thus losing my motivation for studying when my short-term goals aren't met.

When and as I feel resentment towards my studies, wanting to escape them into some other activities – I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that in order to expand I am going to have to walk through my discomfort zone. I remind myself that I am studying for LIFE – for understanding of what the world is, how it works and how life could be improved for all – and I support myself to look for what there is to learn for me in the study assignment at hand. I focus on what I find interesting and what there is to learn and thus make working on the assignment enjoyable for myself. I commit myself to support and assist myself by breathing through the moments of discomfort, moving myself one step at a time.

I commit myself to teach myself to focus on learning instead of focusing on grades.

When and as I feel good after completing a study assignment, I commit myself to stop, breathe and look for any signs of expecting to get a “good grade”. I examine myself within the moment and utilize self-forgiveness to let go expectations, assumptions and definitions relating to the “good student” persona. I remind myself that the completion of a task is enjoyable in itself as it brings me satisfaction as a creator and expansion through application.

I commit myself to teach myself to stop taking grades (and other evaluation) personally, be it in a positive or a negative sense, “fair” or “unfair”.

Day 388: Feeling like a loser – a “good student” dilemma

19022014

I had worked really hard for an essay I wrote for a university course, and when we got the grades yesterday and my grade for the essay was much worse than I had expected, I ended up really disappointed. I read through the feedback my teacher had given me and thought that she had judged me unfairly, giving me a “poor grade” on shaky terms even though she recognized my essay was well-written. I ended up being really furious, frustrated and angry, and I even thought of sending the teacher an email to “explain myself”, but I realized I would only compromise my future grades on the course by acting out of aggression and also justify my reaction to myself by acting upon it. I released some fumes, let some time pass and talked about it with some people.

I realized I was blaming my disappointment in myself on my teacher, which is absurd as my self-judgement has nothing to do with her or anyone else in particular. What I am facing here is a major self-definition that I learned during my basic schooling.

In school I was a “good student”. I learned things pretty fast, I was slightly above average in most subjects and excelled in some. At first I didn't think much of this. Later on I started noticing how this gave me a “special position” in the eyes of teachers – how they would look at me, talk to me and treat me with appreciation, admiration and acceptance – and especially when I started to get bullied and questioned my self-worth, my skills in schoolwork (and other things I was skilled at) became what I gave myself worth through. In other words, I wanted to do good in school because then I would find acceptance in my surroundings – if not from my peers, then from my authorities.

Where I went wrong with this assignment was when I felt good after finishing the essay. I had gone through an extensive research and writing period and managed to put together a comprehensive essay with a point of view I found interesting. When I finally got it done, I felt good because I had learned a lot about writing scientific essays and the topic I was writing about. However, I misinterpreted this feelgood. This feeling of “yes, I got it done” has usually to me been an indicator of a good grade: when I have felt satisfied with the result, so have others. In this case the situation was different: even though what I had done was good, it wasn't what the teacher had requested (in which case I still think the assignment was then instructed unclearly – it can't have all been just me being careless or “not getting it”). This is where I collide with the workings of university, which are not always fair and rewarding when one has worked hard, because there are other requirements to meet as well, depending on whoever happens to be the evaluating authority. It all functions around arbitrary rules given by whomever is in charge, and to be able to “play the game” of university – to get the credentials available – one needs to learn an authority's preferences and expectations.

This is of course not how I would have it. I would rather have disposed of the entire grading system on all levels of education. But this is the system I am within at the moment, and I need to learn how to work my way through it.

This is why I need to walk through my self-definition as a “good student”, because it contains the idea that I am only worth something when I rub others the right way. It causes me to be merciless towards myself and others, to justify my place at the top of the hierarchy, to distort the meaning of learning, and to distract me from why I am in university at all. In short, I lose my grip of the big picture.

Having this process running for a day now has lead to side-effects of powerlessness, loss of motivation (for schoolwork) and waves of self-judgement (when doing recreational activities). It is interesting to see how a single point of origin – the moment when I read the teacher's feedback – can affect my entire state of being for endless spans of time unless I stop and unravel it myself.

I will continue from here with self-forgiveness tomorrow.

Day 258: Passion is not magic

17062013

Recently I have been thinking about passion. I have been accepted to university to study a subject I am not passionate about in the same way I have been passionate about other things so far, and this lack of “fire in my soul” makes me question the whole concept of motivation and what has been driving me forward so far.

In the past few years as I have been mainly working and having arts as a hobby, trying to get into art schools but never succeeding. I have met a lot of people in my working environments that have either told me or shown me they have a passion for nothing, and many of them have told me (with a tone I have interpreted to be sadness, bitterness and/or powerlessness) that I am lucky to be passionate about something. I have usually been unable to reply to such words, because all I have seen are people who are unwilling to find their passion. Recently I have come to realize that these people alone cannot be blamed for their lack of motivation for anything but survival and escapism, because the society itself determinedly passivates people from the moment of birth onwards and offers no assistance to overcome this.

Yet I have to question the whole concept of passion. When I am doing something that I have “a passion” for, I usually work with intense focus, I learn fast and I forget all else – I exist for that moment of action, whatever it may be, and I forget to eat, drink, rest – and I usually do not even have a need for any of this. I have experienced this with drawing, painting, making music, dance, stagework with other people, contact improvisation (including sex), baking, hiking, walking around, reading, studying, exploring my surroundings, having a conversation – a lot of things. I could basically have a passion for anything, even breathing, or eating, or drinking. I mean, if I can have a passion for moving my body aimlessly simply because I enjoy the movement, why not for anything at all?

So maybe “passion” is something to be found when you're at the core of an action, when you have a “reason” for it – which is to live, to realize your existence in this moment, in this reality. When I apply this to my motivation to study, I can see that I study because I realize my possibilities in this web of relationships we call “society” or “the world” or “the system”. I enjoy studying things that I see to have relevance. I enjoy applying the information that I absorb. I do not know how I will apply the information I am going to absorb in the future as my studies progress, because how I will apply it is dependent on what the information is – lol – so I cannot plan it, I'm going to have to create my future as I go. And that's alright.

So, yeah. In studying I am living according to my passion for learning, and I have some idea of how to specify my studies based on the fields that interest me. But this pathway didn't offer itself to me. I had to dig it up and choose it among a mass of options, all appearing just as uncertain to me. Somehow I think that the people who lack passion for things believe that this magical feeling of knowing what to do and why will just be gifted “from the above”, like enlightenment of some sorts. But this is not the case. If you have never seen a book, how would you know that you have a passion for reading? If you have never sat on a bike, how would you know you have a passion for riding a bike? How would you ever figure any of this out if you didn't explore the world, everything that there is in it, given that you have the opportunity for it?

As a child grows it integrates fast into whatever the world is shown to be, and if not given the mental tools to question this, if what one has experienced during one's childhood and adolescence is not fulfilling one might end up believing that the world is unfulfilling – when in fact it is one's experience of one's life so far that is unfulfilling and not the world itself. So people get stuck with the environments they have been born and raised in, with the activities they are familiar with, because they have not been taught to seek passion, to work for it. I was lucky enough to be gifted with a lot of opportunities to explore different activities as a child, and for this I am grateful to my family – but a lot of things I have discovered on my own as an adult, simply by grasping a point of slight interest and expanding on it through independent exploration. And these points of interest have grown into passion the more and more I have learned about them and invested myself into them.

So what I'm saying is that the belief that one ought to have a passionate feeling about something in order to act at all is a fallacy. If I'd keep on expecting a “holy spirit” to take over and direct me for myself, I would get nowhere, I would be standing still and waiting around for the rest of my life. Passion is not a heavenly wind that will magically make your life better – it is you moving yourself towards/within something you are drawn to. Passion is self-motivated action.

Day 255: Student status

14062013

I just received information that I have been accepted into the university I applied to and took an entrance exam for. My reaction was of joy and relief and that of utter excitement. I am relieved because waiting for the results has built up anticipation within me and because this information now provides me a guideline for how I will begin to re-direct my life, which is something I have had to put off for a while. I am happy because getting into a university provides me with opportunities I have not had before and which I am eager to utilize.

However, in addition to all this I noticed that I started to build a new personality based on this new status of mine. It was an experience that said: “Finally I am someone!” or: “I am on my way to become someone!” or rather: “Finally I have proven myself worthy to have access to the resources that allow me to become someone! The great authorities have accepted me! Ha ha!” Lol, and this is of course ridiculous, because I define myself “more than” those who are not receiving a higher level education, and I give my acceptance for this education system that does not allow everyone with interest to study as much as they want. So when I breathe and return myself to this reality, I can see that I have simply passed a threshold in the imaginary competition that takes place everywhere in the world – I have moved onto the next level in The Game, which is not the equivalent of actual life even though it takes place within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being “no one” and thus desire to be “someone” as determined by an imaginary status/value assigned by myself as I accept and allow the imaginary competition for a higher status to exist through my own participation in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a higher status than that of a “nobody” because I have feared losing the competition for status because within the current man-made way of organizing the functions of the world a low status means limited access to the resources and activities of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a status which would allow me access to the resources and activities I wish to take part in because I have realized that there is no way to go around the current man-made system of running the world and reacted with fear to this fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an education system that denies the majority of the population access to higher degree education as justified by the lack of funding - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to be successful in this system counts as participating in the system and thus giving my permission for it to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the current man-made way of organizing education is not the equivalent of education, learning and teaching itself, but that it is just the way education is regulated at the moment according to prevailing principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I require the recognition of the university authorities in order to be “somebody” and to have access to higher degree education – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by believing and perceiving this to be necessary I disregard the fact that this only supports inequality and segregation as everyone is not given the same access equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require recognition from an authority in order to see value in myself and to recognize myself as capable of learning and applying information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require validation of my learning abilities from someone I perceive to be superior to me (university authorities having “higher knowledge” or “wisdom”) in order to become an active participant of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become helpless in front of the possibility that I will not be accepted into university by believing and perceiving that my actions would then be limited and that there's “nothing I can do” if I am not granted access to the resources a university offers, not seeing the possibilities that lie outside of university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my actions with the belief that outside of university I am unable to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that university is just another man-made institution the purpose of which is to organize information, and that university is not the equivalent of information and knowledge itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that once I get into university I will be “different” because my status will then “upgrade” - not seeing, realizing and understanding that in the flesh I am the same whether I have this imaginary status or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to have changed because of my changed status, not stopping to breathe and realize that I am just the same being as I was before this status upgrade.

I commit myself to not be fooled by imaginary statuses by reminding myself that no matter the opportunities and possibilities I am “granted” in the imaginary competition for status, I am still of the one and same flesh and breath as everyone else on this Earth.

I commit myself, when and as this newly found personality of “student status” surfaces, to stop, breathe and remind myself that as a physical being I am just the same as I would be without this status, and that as a physical being I am one with and equal to all that there is on Earth. I ask myself: “Who would I be now if I didn't have the student status?” and I push myself to answer in self-honesty. I continue my participation in this reality within and as the realization that everyone and everything around me is my equal.

I commit myself to work and study to bring about an education system that will provide access to education for all those interested in learning.

Day 190: Practical changes in daily schedule

30032013

I am now reviewing and re-planning my daily schedule and I have planned an outline for how I am going to change my practical daily routine to support me in the best possible way. I am currently in the process of changing my focus from work and hobbies into studying and replacing entertainment / other stuff I'm letting go with activities that actually support me, such as exercise and socializing.

The outline I laid out is as follows:

• 6 hrs sleep (currently from around 12am-6am)
• 1 hrs yoga, or other form of exercise (walking, jogging, dancing etc.)
• 1 hr breakfast and news (newspaper/news websites, e-mail, social networks)
• 3 hrs study/work
• 1 hr household work and lunch (off the computer)
• 3 hrs study/work
• 1 hr exercise/outdoors (possibly shopping groceries)
• 1 hr cooking and eating dinner
• 3 hrs study/work
• 2 hrs daily writing
• 2 hrs undefined leisure time (off the computer if possible)

Note: the contents of the study/work phases may vary and they may also include daily writing – I'm going to have to test this and re-shape it once I see how it works.

I'm going to have to test whether this schedule actually functions or not, and this is going to take a while because I will not be able to fully step into it yet. I still have my day job, unfinished projects and a 3-month trip in Asia/Oceania coming up, and I will be able to fully transfer myself into this schedule once I return from my trip in August. But I am able to test parts of this and try this out for a little while before I fly off, and I will also be able to hold on to parts of it while I travel.

Why I find it important to have a daily schedule laid out like this is that it supports me to remember all that there is to be done, plus it functions as practical physical support. I have to reserve time for nutrition, exercise and sleep, as well as socializing – yet none of these may take any more time than necessary because that would be over-indulgence which is based on self-interest. It is simply not practical to eat dinner for three hours, lol, daydreaming with each bite.

I need to be strict about the study/work phases to see that I actually dedicate enough time for it and make effective use of it. I am currently applying to study education sciences in the university of my home town, and when/if I get in the studies there will determine some of my schedule and also assist me in being steadfast and consistent about my studies. (Quite awesome to see that the schedules of a school are there to actually support me to get stuff done and not to bully me. Lol.)

I am probably also going to have to work while I study to support myself financially. The social welfare money that is paid for students is barely enough to cover my rent and living expenses, and so if I want to eat something besides spaghetti I need to work part-time – and I am cool with that as long as it doesn't take too much time out of my studies. If I could get a job from the field of education that would also serve to benefit my studies.

If I do not get into university I am going to have to mainly work to support myself, but I still intend to work less than before and dedicate my time to independent studying.

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So, now to review how I have tested out my schedule today. I woke up after six hours of sleep before my alarm went off, and this made me satisfied because I have been unsure about whether my sleeping schedule is working out or not.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my sleeping routine is not working out because I have faced criticism and doubt when talking about it to others and started to doubt it myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my sleeping routine and formulate backchat, thoughts and worst-case scenarios (“what if I'm wrong?”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my sleeping routine would prove ineffective because that would mean I could not keep my current routine which I have found effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and worry that my sleep routine might be ineffective without looking at how it actually is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear questioning my sleeping routine and testing it out again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get attached to my sleep routine because it allows me more waking hours in a day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value other than practical to my sleeping routine as I have glorified it to be a “time-saver”, this including the word “saviour” which would imply that I'm not the one doing the work (getting myself out of bed / into bed) but that some outside force is “saving me” from too much sleep.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not view my sleeping routine as simply a practical part of my daily routine which supports my daily living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself when I have slept for more than 6 hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when I have slept for more than 6 hours.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in judgement/guilt the first thing in the morning when waking up, not realizing how much this negative starting point affects the upcoming day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be effective and sleep as little as possible and thus get disappointed each time I sleep “too much” (more than 6 hours) – not realizing that my body requires what it requires and that the requirement is a result of how I have lived the preceding day.

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I commit myself to carry responsibility for myself and my physical well-being by allowing myself enough sleep and reserving time for sleeping, and also by getting myself out of bed when it is time to wake up and start a new day (alarm goes off / I wake up naturally) to prevent sleeping too much which is but to escape one's life and responsibility as a living being.

I commit myself to be flexible about my sleeping routine, not participating in any judgement/guilt that comes up when I sleep a bit more than my usual 6 hours, as I see, realize and understand that sometimes my body requires more rest when it has been under more strain (a lot of work and/or exercise or if I am sick/injured).

I commit myself to review my sleeping schedule from time to time and to adjust it when/if necessary.

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After I woke up (7am) I got out of bed with my feeling of satisfaction and I went on to make tea. I then noticed that I was not yet hungry, as I rarely am as soon as I wake up, and I remembered that I had made a decision to start doing yoga every morning before breakfast because it has to be done with an empty stomach and serves as an awesome wake-up. I remembered I can't do yoga now because I am menstruating, but then I realized that I might as well replace the yoga with some other physical activity, and I put on some clothes and had a walk outside. I didn't walk for one hour today but only 20 minutes or so, but I'll start off with that.

When I was walking I wasn't really here. I was already planning on writing out this schedule and how “cool” this act to exercise in the morning would sound in it – “I'm so effective, yes, now I'm doing it, this is it, this is how it should be done” - lol, and I was just completely ignoring everything around me and had no idea where I was even walking because I was so caught up in the thoughts that came up after I had decided to have a walk.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exercise because it would look good in my schedule – like a trophy of effectiveness that proves I am active and alive and “doing it!” and all that shit. (lol)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exercise from an unclear starting point and thus miss the whole point of exercise, which is (when walking outdoors) to breathe deep and get fresh air, get my body moving and warmed up, and to take notice of my surroundings and interact with the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be blind to my surroundings while walking outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not breathe with all of my lungs while walking outside.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on the movement of my body when walking outside but instead walk around on autopilot which does not serve as the best possible warm-up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on what I am doing and instead think about what I'll do afterwards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not focus on my morning exercise and to do it from the starting point of waking up, getting air, moving and interacting, and that I have instead accepted and allowed myself to exercise from the starting point of wanting to look good in the eyes of others and polishing my self-image.

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I commit myself to clear my starting point with self-forgiveness every morning before I exercise to ensure I get the most out of it.

I commit myself to focus on breathing, moving and awareness of my surroundings while walking outside and I commit myself to take note of whatever resistances, thoughts or backchat arise to waver my focus.

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Once I was finished with breakfast & news I moved onto sewing for the theatre project that we are currently busy with. I am working on a really difficult fabric the handling of which requires a lot of time, patience and skill, and I after about an hour of work I noticed frustration towards the fabric because the difficulties were taking a lot of time.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated at the fabric for “being difficult” and “making things harder”, not realizing that this fabric is what it is and that this is the reality with which I need to work with – this fabric is not going to “get easier” with blame.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope for a quicker way of doing the work, not realizing that straightening out the fabric is necessary before I can measure and cut it, and that the nature of the fabric is such that it takes a lot of time – there simply is no detour – the only way to make my work more efficient is to practice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to worry about taking “too much time” on working with straightening the fabric – not realizing that this is the task I am facing and that this part of it will require plenty of time – and that I am thus not taking “too much time” on it but the exact amount of time it requires.

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I commit myself to breathe while I work and focus on the task ahead of me, and when and as my mind intervenes with thoughts, fears, doubts and backchat, I commit myself to stop, breathe, sort the arising points out with self-forgiveness and continue with my work.

I commit myself to give myself the time I need for the work I am doing, as I see and realize that the work will take the exact time it requires for it to be practically possible.

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I'll continue writing about these practical changes as I walk myself through them.