Day 284: The moment of change

01082013

Today I faced a moment I have faced many times before. It's a moment of regret that comes right after hesitation and self-suppression when you realize the window of opportunity that was there has passed: in words the thought that goes through me is basically “you blew it”. It's a moment of violent self-hate and panic where I have had a tendency of either blaming myself for being an incompetent idiot, breaking down in tears and grieving over the opportunity I missed or finding a “solution” through some actions that might bring about the moment of opportunity again – or all of them. All of these outcomes are born when and as I recognize the situation to be “helpless” - when I believe and perceive that I cannot do anything to correct my mistake.

Today I walked away from a moment of hesitation and in a heartbeat realized I had missed a chance to express myself to another. In a few seconds as I kept on walking away I went through all the usual responses: I felt a wave of self-hate and blamed the outcome of the situation onto myself; I felt an urge to cry because I thought something had just been “lost”; and as a solution I thought of sending this person a message with what I had wanted to express – but then I realized: “That's not good enough. You can still catch him.” I put my bag down and started running.

I ran to catch the person and as I ran there was a moment of blank hesitation. I saw the person ahead of me and I thought: “What will he think of me?” “What will I even say?” “Why am I doing this?” “Should I just turn back before he notices me?” - and with the last thought I knew that I could not turn back, I would not accept and allow myself to do that anymore, I would no longer allow myself to suppress myself and regret all the things I leave unsaid and done. And I reached out my hand, caught him and expressed what I wanted to express.

I want to share this moment of actual lived change – not just change in words but in actions – because I see myself to have come a long way. When I started this process of writing about eleven months ago I was struggling with immense self-suppression, which pretty much crippled me in all of my relationships and made them impossible. As a result of the process of writing (daily self-reflection, self-forgiveness, self-correction) and the support of the people walking the process with me I have grown immensely in approximately a year's time: I am able to change the course of my life – I am able to take action – I am able to say: “enough of this bullshit!” and start running. Within these moments I become the change I write about.

Day 194: Communication patterns from parents

03042013

I realized which communication patterns I have picked up from my parents and how. I was thinking about a situation where I refrained from telling something relevant to another by planning and preparing until I was absolutely certain that what I was telling was fully covered and could not be changed. I could've shared the info a couple of months earlier, but I wanted to be “sure” and so the information ended up being a bit of a shock to the other.

I then remembered that this is what my father does – this is what I have witnessed him do for all of my life – being “absolutely certain” was a trait of his “father character”. I have seen him disguise his fear as certainty by planning way ahead, having all emergency exits and explanations covered before he mentions anything to anyone. This has led to many destructive situations.

So I turned to thinking about my mother and what communication patterns have I picked up from her. I saw that unlike my father she hasn't been that much of a planner, but she has been one to blurt things out of her mouth in emotional turmoil and then feel ashamed and guilty for it. So there's a pattern of self-blame.

It is fascinating as I now combine these and look at how they have manifested in me. I have learned from both that speaking up and following your initial impulse is not a good thing – it is to be feared. Following the impulse might lead to self-humiliation. The survival mechanisms my parents have utilized have been different (attempting to control – succumbing to control), but the core reason has been the same. My father has been at war to save his face while my mother has given up the battle before it even begun.

I have throughout my life planned interactions extensively to such a point where I haven't been sure whether a discussion has actually happened or not. This is really creepy because it fits the description of psychosis (losing touch with the external reality). I still do this to some extent, but it has decreased by some amount after I started walking my process.

And when it comes to the mother pattern, I haven't been that conscious of my words being “inappropriate” or something and I don't see myself to have been a “blurter” – but when I have perceived myself to have made a mistake or failed, I have taken it extremely hard and personally. The humiliation and shame has been crushing. As far as I recall the moments when I have felt humiliation have been moments where I have had other kids around me and created/intensified this feeling through their reactions.

When I look at the father pattern I can see that it is caused by a fear of conflict / chaos which is why the need to control the situation is imposed through planning. I fear that if I do not have all of my bases covered the other might attack a “weak spot”. I do this planning by reviewing things I would like to say based on the image/format/shape I have of the other in my mind: “how would he/she react to this?” And before I know it I play out entire situations as a puppet show in my mind and only then try them out in real life – which quite often is then no longer possible or doesn't work out because of the planning itself.

The mother pattern comes from my mother's (and her mother's and her mother's and her mother's and so forth) childhood experiences where she was violently “put into her place” and she learned to survive by succumbing and making herself as small as possible. So when I react to a mistake/failure by making myself small/weak/guilty I am trying to escape/survive the punishment that my environment is apparently going to give me.

So next I've got to look at how these manifest in my practical living and how they can be changed.