25-27102013
A continuation to my previous post.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I
stress about things I make myself so tired that it feels as if I
cannot do my daily writing – the exact thing that would help me
with the stress and the tiredness.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I am tired, to
rather entertain myself than find the cause of the tiredness and as
the result of repetition create a behavioral pattern out of this.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the pattern of
entertaining myself when tired instead of challenging myself to for
example write about the tiredness and thus try to resolve it instead
of escaping it.
When and as I see
myself reaching for entertainment (TV, games, food) when tired, I
stop, I breathe and I realize I am trying to escape my tiredness into
entertainment. I realize that the entertainment will not help me with
the tiredness as it will only make me more disoriented and exhausted,
and that what will actually help me recover is resting and dealing
with the cause of the tiredness. I breathe and return myself into my
body and I check my physical state to see how exactly I am tired. If
the tiredness is of the kind where I would be ready to fall asleep, I
make the necessary arrangements to get myself to sleep as soon as
possible. If the tiredness is not the kind where I would be sleepy
but where I am worn out, I ask myself what I have done during my day
to cause such a weariness. If necessary, I will write about the
points that arise from this self-dialogue. If I am still not sleepy
but the weariness persists, I will find some activity that I am able
to do within the weariness until I tire enough to sleep the rest of
it off.
--
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about passing my
exams and thus feel guilty every time I do something other than
study, such as spend time with friends, hobbies, chores or writing.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don't
need to pass my exams at one go, and that if I do not have enough
time to study for the first exam, I'll have plenty to pass at the
second or third attempt.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I
study at the expense of my well-being I am in fact sabotaging myself,
because when I neglect some facets of my life for the sake of others
I am not supporting myself to live a balanced life.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself a standard of
passing all exams at first attempt, wanting to be a “star student”
that doesn't get stuck with single courses unfinished.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge students who get
stuck with some courses that they cannot pass no matter how many
times they try, not realizing that I am terrified of being in such a
position myself because of the powerlessness of not knowing what else
I could do to pass the fucking exam already.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will face a
“wall” with my studies where who I am is “not enough” to
understand the study material and that no amount of practice will be
able to surpass this obstacle – not realizing that there is no such
thing as “talent”, a magical quality that others inherently have
and others don't, which is why some people succeed and others don't –
and that if I do face an “obstacle” that feels “impossible”
it is simply because I accept and allow myself to feel overwhelmed by
material that other people just like me have created with their human
brains and minds and hands, which is something I am capable of
understanding (because it is something I might as well have created
in the other people's shoes!) as long as I break it down enough and
allow myself time to “take it in”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that passing
an exam, no matter how difficult, is not impossible but a matter of
steadfast practice.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear getting “left
behind”, not realizing that no matter how many people I compare
myself to I am still HERE as myself with the knowledge and skills
that I have, and that who I am now as knowledge and skills can be
rehearsed only from HERE one word at a time, one movement at a time.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to be impatient with myself
and get frustrated when I study slower than what I expect of myself,
not realizing that I cannot force myself to learn by pushing harder,
but that I can assist myself to learn by slowing down, taking the
information in one word at a time and allowing myself time to process
and understand what I have read and place it into context.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated when my
study technique where I actually try to understand things is “too
slow” for the university schedules, and then try to adjust myself
to the university schedule requirements, not realizing that the
university schedules have not been designed to fit everyone and that
if I study as fast as the schedules dictate, my learning will suffer
and decline.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the study schedules
for being “impossible”, not realizing that they have been created
with the assumption that I study nothing else than my main subject
AND that I do not work while studying, and that they cannot thus work
for me as they are, making it MY responsibility to make them work,
which is perfectly possible and a matter of simple planning,
organizing and letting go of my “star student” standards.
I commit myself to
study the given material with the pace I require to actually learn,
process and understand within and as the realization that passing an
exam (gaining merit in imaginary realities) is secondary to my
process of learning (expanding in the practical reality).
I commit myself to
experiment with different study techniques to see what would work
best for me.
I commit myself to
investigate what time of the day I am most “responsive” to
studying and to utilize that time of the day as well as possible.
I commit myself to
support my well-being – which reflects directly to my ability to
study – by taking care of my diet, exercising daily (if only a
little), sleeping enough / not too much, sharing life with other
people and reserving time for re-creation (creation, building and
self-expression).
--
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to go into an energetic
“high” from the joy, excitement and happiness I have felt within
the social groups and environments I have entered recently, thus
losing my stability now as the “high” is starting to wear off.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to slip from one polarity
into the other, crashing from the “high” into the “low”, by
feeling like there's something “missing” when I'm no longer
spending as much time with these people because of practical reasons
(we all work and study).
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my feeling of
happiness, joy, enjoyment, fun, excitement and being relaxed and
motivated dependent on the people I am with, thus feeling like all
this is “missing” when I'm not with these specific people and
filling the void with depression.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear of
abandonment to moments that remind me of past events where I have
experienced myself to have been abandoned and excluded and where have
felt like an “outsider”.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct a fear of
abandonment based on events where I have experienced loneliness and
alienation, connecting memories of the past within my mind into a
system that is triggered when my environment HERE resembles my past
environments, within the moment of reaction believing and perceiving
that my environment HERE is what I have interpreted my environments
to be in the past (hostile, unwelcoming, estranged) and thus not
actually looking at what is HERE but instantly “painting a picture”
over the reality before my eyes, thus responding with depression and
becoming withdrawn, making myself more difficult to approach and
creating a situation where I alienate myself from others –
looping around and fulfilling my own prophecy: “nobody wants to be
with me”.
--
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to react with fear
to my environment being “unwelcoming” because I believed and
perceived (unconsciously) that I need others to welcome me to this
world and this life to have “permission” to be here.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to make myself
dependent on the acceptance of others as I did not know (I had not
been taught) that all Life has an absolute “right” to exist –
that I do not need to get “permission” through anyone's
acceptance because Life simply IS and exists – and that even though
the acceptance of other people plays a part on the social field / the
“social game”, this field/game is a conceptual, man-made reality
that has no relevance unless I believe and participate in it.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to believe and
perceive that the acceptance of my peers in school had relevance
because not being accepted on the social field had consequences in
the actual reality (I was alone in class, during recess and after
school; when I was not alone the company I had was not supportive).
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to react to not
being accepted by my peers with embarrassment, sadness and depression
as I had not learned (I had not been taught) how to accept, support
and assist myself in my living NOR how to seek for support from
others (everyone outside my peer group).
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the
reason I never trusted authorities (adults) with my childhood issues
was because my parents were pretty unstable themselves and did not
offer me the model of a “trustworthy adult”. *
* This point is
pretty new to me, because I have always considered my parents to have
been “good parents” - and they did do OK most of the time, which
I am grateful of. But the more I have studied up on childhood
development and psychology the more I have come to realize how I was
fucked up from the start by my parents' unresolved issues (which
there were aplenty) – one day I found myself thinking: “My
parents should have never had kids.” This thought still feels
really “bad” to me, as if I had no right to say such a thing,
even though I know that I don't mean it in a bad way: to me most of
the parents having children are way underqualified for parenting.
It's no wonder my parents were a pair of those people.
--
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to seclude myself for many
years by living alone and by not seeking company outside my
activities.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself, during my solitary years, to
not seek for company by my own initiative even when I would have
really wanted to be in the presence of people because I was afraid of
being rejected by those I would approach.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire to be
with people because I did not know how to walk through the fear of
rejection, thus accumulating the secret desire of having friends and
being social.
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty about getting
carried away by the joy of now having company, not realizing that it
is the outflow/eruption/discharge of the energy I have accumulated
during my years of isolation, and that on some level this discharge
was inevitable, although I am still responsible for directing myself
within the discharge.
I commit myself to
investigate how to integrate socializing into my life without having
to sacrifice myself for it.
I commit myself to
investigate the fear of others abandoning me if I do not “please”
them.
