03102013
This post is a continuation to:
The connection personality (see yesterday's post for context)
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for
a connection in relationships because I have felt disconnected from
Life.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disconnect myself from Life – from all that there is – by believing and perceiving that I am somehow “special”, “unique” and “individual”, that I am “different” from other forms of Life because I have a consciousness of my “own”.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for the experience of “being alive” from the energetic experience of “connecting” with another person as I have separated/alienated myself from the experience of being alive in every single breath.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate/alienate myself from myself as a being of Life by not realizing I am in fact alive in every single heartbeat, every single inhale and exhale, every single moment that passes by.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an expectation that “being alive” should feel somehow “big” and “overwhelming” and to thus feel disappointed when my life does not include that rush of energy. *
* I need to investigate where this expectation/definition has been
created. Probably somewhere in my childhood, where positive life
experiences have been experienced with a rush of energy, thus
confusing this energy and “good living” to be connected.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for
a connection in relationships because I have felt disconnected from
myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disconnect myself from myself by resenting myself, thinking that life experienced through “who I am” is not “good enough” - it doesn't feel big, strong, overwhelming, ecstatic, powerful, fulfilling enough – not realizing that I have created “who I am” and that I am thus responsible for my life experience not being enjoyable, and that I cannot mend this by seeking for fulfillment from outside of me, as if I was abandoning a sinking ship.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my life does not feel fulfilling because of how I live from within myself, and that I have created my experience of unfulfillment/disconnection by living as a being that is limited, suppressed, fearful and self-dishonest.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for a “cure” for my unfulfillment/disconnection from other people, wanting to live through others as my “ship” has already been sinking, not realizing that I cannot escape this “ship” and jump onto another – it is simply physically impossible – and that if I want to live a fulfilling life I am going to have to fix THIS “ship” - myself – so that this “ship” could sail on its own.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent facing my own misgivings and finding a way to mend them because they have felt “too much” and “unmendable”, thus giving up on living as self-fulfillment/self-connection and only seeking fulfillment/connection from other people.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire
for the moment where I “connect” with another because within that
moment we become an entity – two beings energetically synchronized
– which makes me feel more “fulfilled” as I for a moment live
through/in a symbiosis with the other and thus can ignore myself and
not live within and as myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
and perceive it is justified for me to neglect myself and to seek for
the experience of “connection” from others as “fulfillment”,
because this is what I have for all my life seen others do – this
is what my world taught me through example – and because “everyone
else is doing it” I believe and perceive myself to be excused to do
it as well.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to crave for
the moment where I “connect” with another because within that
moment I feel accepted, seen and heard, meaningful, worthy, special
and loved – not realizing that I do not experience any of this as
myself but only through the other, meaning that if the other was not
there I would not experience self-acceptance, self-attention,
self-direction, self-worth and self-appreciation but would feel
“empty” and “unfulfilled”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
and perceive that the “magnetism” I feel between me and another
is a sign that I'm doing the “right thing” - that getting closer
to the other is justified – when in fact that “pull” I feel is
me moving within and as my mind according to my desire to get to the
acceptance I might get from the other, like a beggar approaching a
man with a wallet.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to
replace self-acceptance with the acceptance I get from others, not
realizing that this is not a sustainable way of living as the
acceptance I get from others always fades so that I have to go
“hunting” for more, whereas I could build self-acceptance into my
very structure so that it would be with me no matter “where I go”
– even if there were no other beings around me to make me feel
accepted.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not
realize that a “good life” is a life lived – meaning
that every moment of life is in fact lived within and as breath, as
the being that I am in the flesh within the physical existence, and
not escaped by jumping from one energetic experience to another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe
and perceive that “fully living” means that every moment should
“feel like something” - that every moment should be energetically
charged.
I will continue with self-corrective statements and commitments on what I have written during the past few days.
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