Day 358: SF on "Who should I be?" - group work and competitiveness

25112013

This post is a continuation to my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself a “choir personality” - a survival system to get me through the challenge of a new environment – within which I am social, active, funny, encouraging and driven by the desire to succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a good singer within the choir as I have been afraid of being the “weak link” in a group.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the fear of being the “weakest” in a group out of childhood experiences in school gymnastics classes where I did not measure up to other kids.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear group work because I might appear the “weakest” (a loser).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to work in a group when and as I have believed and perceived I would be one of the “strong players” (winners).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I enjoy group work and that I am good at group work, not realizing that my prominent experiences from group work are such where I have been a “strong player” and thus have felt confident and good about myself, which has made it easy for me to feel good about the work done in a group.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have only perceived myself to be “good at group work” when I have been “winning”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the many occasions when I have been a “weak link” in a group and consequently not a functioning team player (fearful, competitive, spiteful).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose my self-standards (being appreciated by others) on the group I am working with, expecting and demanding them to be what I want them to be so that I wouldn't face bad consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “failing” in front of an audience: doing something that will break the illusion of an artist/performer as a god-like superhuman that cannot fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I fail in front of an audience that expects me to succeed I will be judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that every individual in an audience expects me to succeed / to not fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when an audience member's expectations are not met by disrupting an experience with something unexpected, all the individuals in the audience will react with disdain, irritation and/or anger and believe and perceive that it is my fault that they reacted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a stereotype of an audience member / a spectator, believing and perceiving that everyone who passively looks at a performance of any kind does not want to be interrupted or challenged because they expect to be allowed to remain passive and find it vexing when it is not allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label this act of allowing another to remain within their comfort zone while providing the kind of stimuli they expect as entertainment, not questioning the need to be entertained nor the profession of entertaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a learning process comprises almost completely of mistakes, and that making mistakes is thus not a negative thing as it can be used to develop understanding and skill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others seeing my mistakes, not realizing that others witnessing my learning process is not a bad thing but is in fact educational for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if a performance goes exactly as planned, everything that I'm yet to master is still visible to the audience that sees me, whether they're consciously taking it in or not and whether I'm aware of my misgivings or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hiding my mistakes and misgivings is not possible and that if I try I will only show others my fear of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though it would benefit the entire choir if the people doing the gigs would do their job carefully, if I press the point through my fear of failure I will only create resentment, and that even if I discussed the point through practicality I cannot ultimately make others perform well but can only focus on my own application.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail in life (not survive).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire succeeding in life (surviving).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that life is a linear story in which the end result is what matters and defines how well my life has been lived, not realizing that life exists only in the NOW moment, within and as this moment of consciousness where I as the will within this organism called the human body am in constant motion, and that life is not measured only in the end result at the moment of my death somewhere in the future but in every moment that I am alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that life is a competition where I need to succeed in order to “make it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to become a competent human being I do NOT need to outrun everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I attempt to outrun others out of fear of losing to others, I am abusing myself, eating myself up with fear and stress and thus sabotaging myself and making way for my own failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is possible to become skilled and competent by becoming what the skill requires – changing who I am and living out the consequence – instead of pushing myself towards an ideal through self-judgement without figuring out the practical steps to get there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though life is about “competing with myself” to see and realize what my potential is and understand how to live up to it, life is in fact NOT about competing with other living beings because we as a whole form one big living organism – humanity / the Earth / the universe - which functions best if its particles work together and not for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I live according to my self-interest at the expense of other life forms, competing to become the best and the biggest, I am the cancer cell in this organism feeding on other cells, either taking down the entire organism as the cancer spreads through my influence or being eventually removed so that the organism may keep on living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that competitiveness is considered a positive trait only within the human consciousness system - in the conceptual reality we live out through our minds – and that when looking at nature it is not competitiveness that we see in ecosystems that thrive but co-operation, development, support and sharing that leads to progress and prosperity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the human species has proven itself to be the “king” of all species by being competitive within itself and with other life forms and thus conquering land, developing technology and making scientific breakthroughs, and that competitiveness is thus a positive trait – not realizing that while doing so the human species has eaten up most of the Earth's resources and thrived at the expense of ALL LIFE even though it appears as if the human species has been “successful”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my desire to compete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself goals on what I need to achieve during my life as a measurement of success, feeling that if I would now die without achieving those goals I would have failed in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my life will have had worth only if I achieve something “big” (a clear improvement in the field of life I am able to influence).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine life being a game of tasks of different sizes, difficulties and rewards, thus giving bigger value to tasks that are “bigger” (improving the world) and not valuing the tasks that are “small” (breathing) – not realizing that since all that exists is the NOW moment, what may or may not happen in the future is not relevant, but only what I do HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if my focus is in the future, my focus is not in the present moment in my present actions, and that my actions are thus half-assed as my focus is not fully HERE.

--

I commit myself to explore group work from the perspective of co-operation instead of competition.

I commit myself to investigate how power dynamics within a group could be supportive for all, so that the “strongest” would utilize their strength to assist the “weakest”.

I commit myself to map out how I manifest competitiveness and how I manifest co-operation within the groups I am working in at the moment (choir, theatre, university, dancing group, work, organizations, friends and all the sub-groups within these).

I commit myself to explore performing situations from the perspective of allowing others to witness my learning process through whatever mistakes and misgivings I manifest.

I commit myself to continue mapping out who I believe and perceive I should be and how I apply myself according to this belief/perception, and to thus investigate what is causing me to feel burdened, resulting in the pain/friction in my shoulders.

I commit myself to make a written note of all situations where I see myself competing (fear of failure / desire to succeed) and to investigate them with written or spoken introspection.

I commit myself to teach myself to map out my goals through practical steps and realistic timelines, starting with the projects I am working on now (e.g. studying).

Day 303: The insanity of a contest

30082013

When I was working as a judge in the children's singing contest a few days ago I heard about an email the organizer had received from the mother of a child who didn't make it to the final round from the semifinals. In the email she had written that the entire family had cried for hours because of disappointment, and that the situation was organized so that the contestants who were “eliminated” were publicly embarrassed. In fact, the organizers had deliberately tried to avoid any embarrassment or separation and had arranged the setting so that no one would be lifted above anyone else, but these precautions were not enough to stop a child / a family from taking the situation personally.

Hearing this paired up with other things I'd seen among the parents I learned something.

Most contestants (their families included) do not realize a contest is just a game; therefore, no matter how nice, soft and friendly you try to make your contest, if it is organized without taking into consideration the fact that people don't know “how to compete” (how to not take it personally), it is irresponsible to organize a contest, because it will end up causing harm among those who do not yet understand. This is especially because we are talking about children who get fucked up more easily.

I also realized something while I was sitting among the judges and listening to the contestants singing. Another judge was sitting next to me and every now and then she would sigh at the end of a performance and just keep on sighing while I was writing down notes on each performer. I thought about that sense of wonder, amazement or “love” she might be experiencing while hearing these children sing, while I was trying to see past my experience (nostalgia, sadness, joy, wonder, whatever arose while I heard the songs) and to focus on who the child was when he/she was performing – how were they trying – as whom were they singing.

I then realized that the decision we as a jury would come to would most likely be completely arbitrary – chosen on random terms – because we had not agreed on what to judge before the competition began. Others would look at their emotional experience, which has nothing to do with the child; others would focus on their technical abilities, which alone doesn't say anything about the child as a being expressing him/herself. I realized that it is insane to have a contest because the result is based on fluff – and yet these people attending it take it extremely seriously! The children stand there waiting for the results, nerve-wrecked and trembling, looking at the jury in horror and anticipation, and the parents paste a smile on their face to act as if their child's inevitable loss didn't shake them down to their core.

I had my chance to speak to the audience but I didn't utilize it, as all of this came together only after the contest. What I should have told them is:

Hello everyone, thank you for being here and being such a great support for all these children when they performed. All of you contestants did very well. Each one of you was immensely brave to come here in front of all these people, and each one of you sang very well. I could see that you enjoyed singing, and I hope that you will all keep on singing everywhere you go, with everyone you meet. Songs are stories that we share and create with each other, like books that you can hear.

The reason you had this competition arranged for you today was so that you could show yourselves that you are brave, and that you do not have to fear other people. When you sing you show others who you are, because when you sing everyone can hear you; everyone can see you, and everyone wants to see you. Today you let yourself be seen. So that means that everyone of you succeeded! Give yourself a handshake and say: “congratulations, me!”

So the results of this contest don't really matter; I could just throw them away right now and nobody would ever know what the seven of us judges decided. How could we ever decide who really deserves these prizes, this keyboard, these microphones? How could we ever know which one of you already has a keyboard or doesn't even want a keyboard? How could we know whether any of you actually wants a keyboard or just to see your mother smile? I would love to give the first place to the one who needs this keyboard the most, but we do not know enough about you to decide that. And that is why our silly opinions about the teeny weeny glimpse we saw of you on this stage, nervous and frightened, is what we have used to decide who gets which prize. That's all we have, and that is unfair towards all of you. I would love to see you sing with your friends and family, or when you are alone. I'm sure you all sing way better when you're not on this awful stage.

So, I will now announce the results, because that is what everyone wants to hear. But please bear in mind that they are not real – they tell nothing of the reality. The one who wins first price is not a better singer than everyone else here. The one who doesn't win anything is not a bad singer. We, the judges, we're just people like you, and in fact we do not know better. We know nothing at all. The only one who knows what you are worth is YOU. So give yourself another handshake and join me here on stage. Here's the results.

It would've been a little less elaborate in a 2-minute speech, lol, but to show myself how I could've handled the situation.

Days 298-300: Ego as an Idol

24-26082013

For the past two days I've been writing about a situation in which I accepted and allowed my ego to lead me blindly into seeking fame and glory at the expense of children. I was asked to be a judge in a children's singing contest and also to speak to the audience on behalf of the entire jury. I did all of this and in my own terms I managed “well”, I was pretty to look at and comfortable to listen to, I was setting an “admirable” example to the children, I was making the “right” choice on the winners – except that this is all bullshit. I justified participating in a system (competition) that supports inequality and creates separation by thinking that this way the children “get experience on performing” (which they could actually get in a simple concert without the setting of a contest) and all the while the reason I really wanted to be there was to be seen, to show off myself and build a self-image of an admirable public figure.

The consequence of this was that I became anxious and paranoid while walking in the middle of the crowd because I started judging myself on how “well” I did on the speech and the appearance and then projected my self-judgement on others and believed them to now think less of me. I could not stand the eyes I imagined to have been on me and I had to leave.

When I was writing through all this (in extensive and messy writings which I will not publish) I came across self-hate when I realized what I had done. I need to forgive myself for falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate, despise and loathe myself when and as I realized I had listened to my ego when making a decision to participate in the contest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-hate will not assist and support me to grow as a being because hate is an act of holding on to the past and judging myself in the present (and future, “I will never be good enough”) according to who I was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-hate will not assist and support me to move on because from within hate I cannot truly forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I should lash myself into “being a better person” through guilt, shame and self-hate, not realizing that doing so is an act of punishing myself which will eventually kill me, either through exhaustion or through the culmination of self-hate in suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have mercy on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making mistakes is inevitable, and that the way to deal with mistakes is not to hate myself (which will only incapacitate me and make me “even less” than I already am within my moment of falling) but to recognize the consequences of my mistake and to carry responsibility for them.

I commit myself to consider participating in contests like this from a wider perspective: what are the implications of the existence of a contest like this? What is a children's singing contest as a system? What does it serve? What are the consequences for the children? What are the consequences for the families? Who are the parents that bring their children to contests like this? Who are the children we see competing? What would rewarding one individual do for him/her and what would it do for another? [I will shortly write an essay on what I saw and have seen about all this.]

If I am asked to participate in a contest like this again, I commit myself to consider what my field of influence there would be and decide my participation accordingly; I also commit myself to discuss the purpose and necessity of a children's singing contest with the people arranging it.

--

Another thing I went through is my desire to be famous, which I have already written about quite a lot. I realized that there is a certain set of memories I need to go through to access the root of this desire, which is in the birth of my self-hate when I compared myself to my sister and later on to my female friends.

Some SF on fame I wrote earlier:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be famous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be famous because I wanted to be loved by as many people as possible – I wanted to make sure everyone liked me, or that enough people liked me so that I'd be “untouchable” / immune to judgement.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the energetic “high” I would get from the adoration of the public would be the only way for me to ever handle negative attention because it would act as a “buffer” or a “shield” as long as many enough people were there to “accept” me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am “too weak” to handle negative attention and that to deal with it I “need” the “love” of the audience (the confirmation that I am “good enough”).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have actually been escaping my tendency to take negative attention personally and avoiding facing this point by blaming my reaction on others and avoiding ever facing what the negative attention (bullying) actually was.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been reaching for fame so that it would work as a “shield” to protect me from bullying or, in fact, my own self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that being exposed to many people's attention would bring me acceptance because I had a skill (singing) that everyone I had met so far had appreciated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I could expose as many people as possible to my skills I would be accepted and loved by all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I was actually seeking from fame was the acceptance I was not giving myself; a placebo to my self-hate. [Note to self: the birth of my self-hate would be a good point to open up – specific memories of a certain era to be mapped out.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the acceptance I would receive from the audience would never be enough to sustain me throughout my life AND death because in essence I am alone – I'm born alone, I breathe alone, I die alone; if I were to depend on others for sustenance I would have to keep on pulling the tricks that bring out positive reactions from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “adoration”, “love” and “acceptance” that I have believed and perceived myself to be getting from the people who admired me was actually me taking the reactions and experiences of others personally, believing I was the cause of another's experience when in fact I was “just” the trigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to look at me with adoration and submission instead of hate, ridicule and dominance – not realizing that I would just be exerting a sugar-coated revenge by dominating others in turn as I did not see, realize and understand that I could be equal with others as I had never seen an example of equality.

I commit myself to proceed next onto going through these memories of how I came to hate myself as a child/adolescent.

--

Forgiving the ego point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was doing “the right thing” when I got compliments about my appearance, thinking that it was justified for me to be doing the judging/performing/appearance because I was so good at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that by looking pretty, calm and composed I would be a good example for the children, not realizing that the children pick up who I live as, not who I appear to be, and that because I was appearing pretty, calm and composed as an image driven by the ego this is what the children will learn: to appear confident because it is a part of their self-image and because they're afraid of being anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “letting loose” (expressing myself however the hell I wanted) in front of the audience because I wanted to maintain an appearance and feared that breaking that appearance would mean that I would no longer be appreciated or respected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I need to appear serene, beautiful, calm, balanced and stable to be the kind of a public figure that everyone would respect / not hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed to the public because some people might not like me and exert their disapproval on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am exposed to the public as myself I am bound to not be liked by all as the things I have to say/express are such that not everyone wants to hear; someone is bound to react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to be liked by everyone I would have to keep on changing my appearance according to my audience and that this way of living would be based on dishonesty: I would live as a multitude of characters instead of living as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the price I pay for “being safe” is too much; it is not worth sacrificing myself for.

I commit myself to flag any and all moments when I see myself limiting my expression for the sake of my appearance and to investigate them in writing.

When and as I see myself limiting my expression for the sake of my appearance – thinking/experiencing “I have to do this” or “I cannot do this” - I stop, I breathe and I realize I am living as my ego and serving my self-image. I ask myself: what am I trying to portray and why? I answer myself in self-honesty, not accepting or allowing myself to believe any bullshit excuses or justifications, demanding myself for the truth. I forgive myself for whatever I find, allowing myself to face and realize who I am within the moment, yet understanding that we all make mistakes and that now that I see mine I am able to make amends. I look at the consequences of this self-limitation and I carry my responsibility for what I have caused, within or outside of myself.

I commit myself to carry on with my process in order to become an example I would be happy to have children live by, and I commit myself to settle for no less.

Day 295: Singing to succeed

21082013

A few days ago I was a judge in a children's singing contest. It was a semifinal and we had to select a few children who would not be continuing to the final round which is held this weekend. After the contest a father approached me and another judge, telling us that his daughter had been dropped from the final and asking for specific feedback on what his daughter could improve; why exactly did she not make it?

I went through my notes and remembered this girl having been the least developed singer of the bunch, mainly because her singing was really forced and violent. I explained to the father the technical issues and basically told him that the girl needs to relax, and that she has to be given time to develop, because the voice of a child goes through a huge maturing process simply through the growth of the physical body. The judge I was with also gave her point of view which followed along the same lines as my feedback.

As I observed the father I noticed a huge tension in him. He told us how disappointed the girl is, because she has been in many contests never succeeding. I could see him anxious for his child's happiness and success, and the way he was doing it out of fear was pulling him, straining him; the feedback we gave was difficult for him to take because there was no comfort there; there was no quick fix to the child's “issue”, the boulder keeping her from happiness – what she believes she needs to be happy. I don't know how he broke it down to the child, but I hope he got my point about relaxing about it.

This got me thinking about my own childhood. I was taken to numerous singing contests ever since the age 6. I won the very first contest I attended, and ever since then I went to more and more contests in search of more success. I enjoyed the contests because it usually meant I could learn new songs and perform in front of people, and we usually also took a trip somewhere special so that I could attend the contest. It was a good way to motivate me to practice singing and performing and I learned a lot through it.

But there was also a negative side to it. My mother really wanted me to go to these contests because otherwise my “talent” would “go to waste”. She perceived and believed success in music to be measured by exposure, fame, awards and recordings, and I don't blame her because that's the limited way our culture defines music. She wanted me to have all the chances to express and explore myself that she didn't have growing up in a really poor family. Her enthusiasm topped mine, and eventually the contests became a strain to me, I felt like I was forced to do things, I felt disappointed when I didn't win (I rarely did), I felt like I was being forced into a mold that I didn't want to fit in. So in my teens I told my mother I didn't want to do it anymore and so she stopped pushing me, although expressing her great regret about it.

When I return to thinking about that very first contest I attended and won, I realize it has been a turning point, a defining moment. I was a very small girl and I have very vague memories of that situation. I can't remember the moment I got up on the stage and sang, but I do remember the moment the results were announced, I was declared winner and my family told me to get up and get my trophy. What I remember of this moment is noticing my family's agitation. All of my family, my parents and my three siblings, were with me (a rare occasion), and I remember my sister, my idol and anchor, was sitting next to me. I didn't really understand what the announcers were saying, but I remember they announced the results so that my family could guess that I was the winner before anyone said it because I was the only one left without a reward. I remember this wave of excitement coming from my family sitting on my left side, them being all “oh my god did she?” “can it be?” “oh wow you won!”, surprised and overjoyed and excited for me. I didn't understand what “winning” meant, but from my family's reaction I gathered that I had done something positive, I had succeeded. I walked down to the stage to be awarded, and the judges handed me a huge, heavy trophy, making a joke that I might not be able to lift it (I was tiny) and everyone in the audience laughing in approval of my adorable victory.

I see that the reaction of my family defined the moment for me, because their emotional response was overflowing, it was really “big” for me. Their joy represented acceptance, ultimate acceptance, and topped with the huge trophy the moment was somehow “crowned”. In order to get that ultimate acceptance I would have to succeed in the same way. This is where I started to define myself according to my singing: it was my strength, my asset, and I would have to be the best to remain accepted in the eyes of others. The fact that the victory is the only thing I remember of the contest is revealing, because my memory has selected not to remember the singing - the moment of expression - at all. All my memory selected is the moment of positive reinforcement.

So most of my life (ever since the age 6) I have been in search of that ultimate acceptance, which I believed to be found in other people, in my success, and not from within myself. This is probably one of the reasons why I react to disapproval / rejection / failure so strongly. I am afraid that when I express myself I will not be accepted – that I will be rejected as I was so many times in all those singing contests. Of course my history in being bullied in school also has a part to play, but I see that the bullying and the search for approval in contests are interlinked: they are my childhood, who I was back then. Through writing I am slowly piecing together my past so that my childhood/adolescence would make sense to me – that I would see the big picture – and every time I actually go through a specific memory like I did above I see the big picture getting a little bit clearer. I have been postponing going through a lot of things in my past but now I see I can no longer do that. I want to understand who I am now and why I keep messing shit up (there is one major underlying issue I haven't gotten hold of yet), and the way there goes through my past. Thus:

I commit myself to write about a memory from my past every day from now on until I am done with my past.

• I may write about the memory in my blog
• I may write about the memory separately from my blog posts
• I choose whichever memory seems to be “on the surface”
• I will have a specific notebook with me so that I will be able to do this anywhere

I commit myself to this challenge and project within and as the realization that the key to who I am now lies in my past in all the moments that have led up to this moment as everything I am now has accumulated over time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing to this project because it appears long, time-consuming and, as my thoughts put it, “daunting” - not realizing that my past is not infinite and that eventually I will have gone through all of it, as long as I do it consistently: a little at a time at regular intervals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this commitment because I believe and perceive it is “too much” for me in addition to writing a blog, attending the DIP Lite course AND studying and working and living a life – not realizing that I have already committed to the Journey To Life project, where I will write a blog for seven fucking years, and that an additional project of opening a memory each day is not much compared to or in addition to that – and they might actually contribute to each other!

I commit myself to embrace this new challenge within and as the realization that it is what is best for me and thus also what is best for all.

Day 255: Student status

14062013

I just received information that I have been accepted into the university I applied to and took an entrance exam for. My reaction was of joy and relief and that of utter excitement. I am relieved because waiting for the results has built up anticipation within me and because this information now provides me a guideline for how I will begin to re-direct my life, which is something I have had to put off for a while. I am happy because getting into a university provides me with opportunities I have not had before and which I am eager to utilize.

However, in addition to all this I noticed that I started to build a new personality based on this new status of mine. It was an experience that said: “Finally I am someone!” or: “I am on my way to become someone!” or rather: “Finally I have proven myself worthy to have access to the resources that allow me to become someone! The great authorities have accepted me! Ha ha!” Lol, and this is of course ridiculous, because I define myself “more than” those who are not receiving a higher level education, and I give my acceptance for this education system that does not allow everyone with interest to study as much as they want. So when I breathe and return myself to this reality, I can see that I have simply passed a threshold in the imaginary competition that takes place everywhere in the world – I have moved onto the next level in The Game, which is not the equivalent of actual life even though it takes place within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being “no one” and thus desire to be “someone” as determined by an imaginary status/value assigned by myself as I accept and allow the imaginary competition for a higher status to exist through my own participation in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a higher status than that of a “nobody” because I have feared losing the competition for status because within the current man-made way of organizing the functions of the world a low status means limited access to the resources and activities of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a status which would allow me access to the resources and activities I wish to take part in because I have realized that there is no way to go around the current man-made system of running the world and reacted with fear to this fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an education system that denies the majority of the population access to higher degree education as justified by the lack of funding - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to be successful in this system counts as participating in the system and thus giving my permission for it to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the current man-made way of organizing education is not the equivalent of education, learning and teaching itself, but that it is just the way education is regulated at the moment according to prevailing principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I require the recognition of the university authorities in order to be “somebody” and to have access to higher degree education – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by believing and perceiving this to be necessary I disregard the fact that this only supports inequality and segregation as everyone is not given the same access equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require recognition from an authority in order to see value in myself and to recognize myself as capable of learning and applying information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require validation of my learning abilities from someone I perceive to be superior to me (university authorities having “higher knowledge” or “wisdom”) in order to become an active participant of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become helpless in front of the possibility that I will not be accepted into university by believing and perceiving that my actions would then be limited and that there's “nothing I can do” if I am not granted access to the resources a university offers, not seeing the possibilities that lie outside of university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my actions with the belief that outside of university I am unable to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that university is just another man-made institution the purpose of which is to organize information, and that university is not the equivalent of information and knowledge itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that once I get into university I will be “different” because my status will then “upgrade” - not seeing, realizing and understanding that in the flesh I am the same whether I have this imaginary status or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to have changed because of my changed status, not stopping to breathe and realize that I am just the same being as I was before this status upgrade.

I commit myself to not be fooled by imaginary statuses by reminding myself that no matter the opportunities and possibilities I am “granted” in the imaginary competition for status, I am still of the one and same flesh and breath as everyone else on this Earth.

I commit myself, when and as this newly found personality of “student status” surfaces, to stop, breathe and remind myself that as a physical being I am just the same as I would be without this status, and that as a physical being I am one with and equal to all that there is on Earth. I ask myself: “Who would I be now if I didn't have the student status?” and I push myself to answer in self-honesty. I continue my participation in this reality within and as the realization that everyone and everything around me is my equal.

I commit myself to work and study to bring about an education system that will provide access to education for all those interested in learning.

Days 156-157: I want to be an actor - part 2

24-25022013

2012

This post is a continuation to:

Days 153-155: I want to be an actor - part 1

Continuing with more thought dimensions and commitments to parts 1 & 2.

“It would be so awesome to be a pro”

The idealized image I have of the professional theatre field and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be among “my kind of people” as theatre professionals because I feel as if I would then be accepted, fully functional and “where I belong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “my place” in the world from a group that would fulfill my needs (acceptance, validation, support) and provide me a rich, constructive environment to work in where the group's level of skill would match mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated in a group the skill level of which “doesn't match” mine – not realizing that I am only looking at this imagined “skill level” from a certain narrow perspective that does not take into consideration all the traits and abilities that there are to building a functioning group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the group I work in to be “below my level” because they lack the skills I have trained myself in the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are skills required in a good actor beyond my perception of a good actor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I see a professional actor / group performing, to imagine what it would be like to do that myself in front of all this audience and then create a desire to be on the stage myself – this resulting in a chain of thought that concludes “if I want to be on that stage, I've got to become a professional” - the key to getting what I desire is the path I lay out before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to be a professional actor by looking at professional actors and imagining myself in their place doing the things they do, not realizing that the moment I validate that image – the “ok, I accept this thought” - is where I give in to my mind and allow it to direct me, when I could instead see, realize and understand that this imagined picture in my mind of myself doing what the people in front of me are doing is but a reflection and a projection and is in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagined scenarios and thus experience them as true through emotions and feelings and energetic resonance in my physical body, and then believe this resonance in my body to be evidence that my desire is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to an actor doing something I perceive myself to “lack” (something I don't “get to” do), create a desire to do it myself (“unfair! I wanna do that!”) and then follow the chain of thought that states “if you wanna do that, you've got to become a professional”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to be a professional actor to express myself in the full scope of human expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the professional theatre people are more expressive, more honest, more present, more alive, more active, more human, more intelligent and more connected to life than other people and thus glorify my perception of the professional theatre field and further enhance my desire to be involved with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have glorified the professional theatre field, to overlook the same issues that lie within it as in the rest of the world (dishonesty, escapism, egoism, arrogance, separation, fear, self-interest).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe the professional theatre field holds a lot of severe issues, such as drug abuse, because I have not wanted to realize that theatre is not the ultimate solution to the issues of the world and have rather believed it is “the road to salvation” because the support I got in theatre was what kept me from killing myself when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though theatre is a tool with which a lot of constructive things can be done, it is ultimately a tool for self-support and self-inspiration with which one can build oneself to face the actual world where actual work is to be done.

“I can't let my talent go to waste” / “I'd have what it takes to be a pro”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be “good at acting” as compared to the other actors I have worked with and seen at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “more capable” of acting than others I have seen based on my perception of others and how I compare to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my perception of other actors is filtered through the starting point of competition – in other words, I magnify the flaws of others so that I could elevate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my jealousy of another actor by focusing on his/her flaws when and as I have seen another do something well and reacted with fear of losing as I compared myself to the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive I have the sort of talents that are required of the “few chosen ones” who get to be professional actors based on how I have seen myself as compared to the other actors I have worked with – not realizing that it is not valid to measure myself by looking at the flaws of others as I am then not looking at myself at all, only that which I seem to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor even though I have no experience of participating in a professional project – many demanding amateur ones, yes, but I still haven't actually been there to see what it's actually about and thus cannot say I know anything of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor based on my experience as an amateur (uneducated) actor and based on what I have heard about the professional field from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be involved in the professional theatre field based on the mental image I have created based on what I have heard of it, not realizing that the image in my mind is not the equivalent of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my idealized image of the professional theatre field and believe I would “fit in” perfectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it would be a “waste of talent” to not become a theatre professional because “I'd have so much to give”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself – as a teenager when and as my mother first told me that “it would be a waste of talent” to not strive for a career in performing arts when I was considering doing something else and keeping arts as a hobby – to believe her words as I then reminded myself that the appreciation I received from others relied on my talents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to pursue a career in performing arts (theatre and music) so that the skills I have trained and refined wouldn't “go to waste” unheard and unseen by a large audience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign more value to a large audience than a small audience – not because of the smaller exposure to whatever thoughts, ideas or concepts the performance is trying to communicate – but because I would then be seen and heard less, as the more attention I got the more accepted and “loved” I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of attention / exposure correlates with the amount of acceptance I receive – not realizing I am searching for acceptance from others in a ridiculously large scale when I should be finding it from myself and actually standing within and as self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I want to be famous” without ever really questioning this thought or asking myself why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the desire to be famous by believing in my “gut feeling” that “I was meant / destined to be famous”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to be “famous” (widely known, seen and heard as a personality) was actually a desire to exploit my skills and manipulate as many people as possible into “loving” me by living as a personality that fits into a certain category of celebrities – not realizing I would then with my participation accept and allow the world system of idols and entertainment as tools of passifying, distracting and disempowering the masses through separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as dishonesty and self-deceit by believing my justifications to become famous with no actual practical purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about being famous, creating mental images and scenarios where I was basking in glory, attention, appreciation, love and admiration – all the things I “lacked” at the time – not realizing that all of this that is relevant and not another energy high I would find simply through self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that if I have a skill, I should try to bring it forth so that as many people as possible could see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a skill is valuable depending on what I use it on/for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because skills can also be used from the starting point of self-interest (elevation, glorification, validation), the use of my skills in itself holds no constructive value as skills can be both exploited and utilized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using a skill is valuable in itself because the hard-earned skill has equal the amount of value as the work put in it – not realizing that a skill is ultimately a tool that can be used for many purposes from various starting points and that the tool itself has no other than practical value – a hammer is neither good nor evil even though / because it can be used for both constructing and destroying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to sort out my starting point in using and training my skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these kinds of skills (performance arts) can be immensely effective on the smallest of scale, and that I don't need the large exposure to use them for something constructive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/if it is necessary to gather a larger audience it is possible to do so, but only if the purpose so demands – not because my ego demands it.

I commit myself to study my area of skill (music and theatre) to see how I could utilize it for something constructive on a small scale – the big scale will come about when/if it is necessary.

I commit myself to sort out my starting point for using my skills so that I will no longer act from the starting point of self-interest but that I will always consider that which is best for all.

I commit myself to study, explore and expand my self-expression outside of theatre by challenging myself to push through my resistances to see how my world would then change.

I commit myself to practice breathing on stage with consistency and self-forgiveness as kindness towards myself, as I see, realize and understand that as I now forget to breathe on stage all the time I lose myself every time I go on stage, and that in order to re-create myself into my one and only stability point – the constant that is always here – I will need to be aware of my breath all the time.

I commit myself to no longer ask for people to come see a play because it would bring me more attention but because I see they could benefit from seeing the play – and I commit myself to be brutally honest with myself about this.

I commit myself to, while acting, focus on the enjoyment of teamwork, expression, play, interaction and refinement of skill instead of focusing on comparison and competition – in other words, to keep my focus in myself and my own actions and processes.

I commit myself to face and direct all reactions that occur in me when and as I receive feedback of any kind within the realization that all feedback I receive is primarily another's expression of their experience and not a direct portrayal of who I am, yet it is something to use as a mirror and to explore myself with.

I commit myself to stop seeking for “my place” in the world as I now see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to create my place in the society and to re-create it time and time again.

I commit myself to realize that “my place” in the world is not defined by my current skills (the ones my parents chose to teach me) but that I am able to learn new skills (the ones I choose to teach myself) and direct myself to whichever direction I choose.

Days 153-155: I want to be an actor - part 1

21-23022013

2010

Every now and then these days when I act in theatre (acting here meaning the work of an actor as movement, speech, song, dance, voice, interaction, and other kinds of expressive physical and emotional things) I return to that feeling where I desire to act professionally. This usually occurs either when I am enjoying myself especially much when acting, or when I step outside of myself to observe my doings through the eyes of an outsider and see myself to be “good” at what I'm doing: fluent, certain, creative, flexible.

Now, I have made a decision to not apply for theatre schools for the time being and instead approach life and work through a profession that would concretely and directly affect the world we live in, not just inspire others to do that for me. This decision falters every time this longing to be a professional actor arises, and it means I have not made this decision from a clear starting point. It's time to go through this now as I am applying to university and all this wavering will influence my motivation and ability to study for the entrance exams.

It is commonly known and said in the theatre field that to be an actor one has to be both an exhibitionist and an egoist – in other words, everyone wanting to be actor is already both to some extent. I will begin by going through these points.

Exhibitionism - “come watch me express myself!”

This is a point I realized some time ago when I got disappointed again when some friend or a family member didn't come see a play I was acting in. I realized that whenever I ask for a person to come see me on stage I am asking them to come and see me express myself freely because I don't do that off-stage, and that therefore this is a “rare occasion” to see me express myself a certain way. This indicates both my unwillingness and disability to freely express myself in all situations in all possible ways and shows the extent to which I have defined the stage to be a “special place” for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my wish to show myself as I really am in the full scope of human expression to create a “special place” where I could do that within an illusion of safety instead of just living as self-expression unconditionally no matter where I am and who I'm with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child when I limited my self-expression due to bullying to define the stage of our theatre into a “safe place” because there I was able to push through my resistances (to a certain extent*), misinterpreting this to mean I could only express myself on stage – not realizing I was the one accepting and allowing myself to push through and show myself - not “the magic” of the stage, the group, the director or the situation – because in fact I am the one who moved myself.

* There are taboos in theatre as well – ways of expressing oneself that are/were prohibited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to do theatre to express myself in the full scope of human expression because there are no ways to do that in “real life” that would be socially acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which is “socially acceptable” is based on a social agreement which I have not been there to create even though I have upheld it with my own actions, and that because this is an agreement I do not agree with there is in fact no agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a social agreement ceases to exist in my part when I stop participating in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping participation in social agreements that prohibit expressing myself in the full scope of human expression because I have been afraid of judgement, isolation and misunderstandings / conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge who I am as who I am living as at the moment as manifested in my self-expression, not realizing that the judgement of others only has effect on me when I turn it into self-judgement, which is something I have full directive power over, and that to fear my self-judgement is thus to state that I am unable to direct myself – which is not true, as I have shown myself that I am in fact able to stop, face, re-direct and move myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will isolate me and deny me access to life's resources if I stop my participation in the social agreements that prohibit my self-expression (and that of others) because this is a world/reality/society that functions on relationships where everyone is dependent on each other and in which, if one is left to survive by oneself, it is impossible to survive in without others.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be denied access to life's resources (relationships, work, food, housing) because that would mean I would not survive, in other words, I would die because someone reacted to who I was and believed their reaction – not realizing that if for some reason I'd have to choose between self-compromise and death, which we all face eventually anyway, the choice would be self-expression as well – I'd die honest or live a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will misunderstand me if I choose to not participate in the social agreements that limit our self-expression and that this will lead to conflict, not realizing that in between my expression, the other's choice to misunderstand and a resulting conflict is an infinite number of moments where the situation can be faced, addressed, directed and lived into a solution.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to “handle” solving misunderstandings or conflict as I have not realized that a misunderstanding/conflict can be solved simply by clearing my starting point (how did I cause this situation?) and then approaching with straightforward communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for others to come see me as I am on stage, thinking “I wish someone would see the real me”, not realizing I am abdicating my responsibility to live as the real me and instead I'm dumping the responsibility on others to go through extra effort to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is others' responsibility to dig out my “real self” when in fact only I can reveal myself, as even when another “digs me out” I am the one who accepts and allows myself to reveal myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show myself as I have held on to the excuse/justification that if I expose myself I make myself vulnerable to attacks, not realizing that as I stand fully within and as myself uncompromised there are no attacks that could “catch me off guard” as I am fully aware of everything I live as – and that if an attack does catch me “off guard” it is a welcome reminder of a point I have not faced and should thus not be feared but embraced.

Egoism – expecting praise and attention

In theatre it's all about ME in the spotlight, ME being talented, ME shining, ME being better than anyone else. I secretly expect praise and special attention because at some point of my acting years others started to give me feedback that stated I was somehow “exceptional”, and I totally bought into this as a child/teenager wallowing in self-diminishment. Someone wants to elevate me? Bring it on!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to show off myself in theatre at the expense of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be “the best one” as compared to other actors, in other words, to “win” over everyone else and thus validate my self-worth, as I believed that my skill/talent and admirability are the measure of my worth and the ones watching me (in this case the audience) the measurers and judges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret the encouragement and feedback I received in theatre by filtering it through my fears and desires and using it to enhance my fears and desires even further as the stakes grew as I exposed myself more and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the positive feedback I received in theatre to create a self-image where I was “good at something”, believing I was dependent on that trait to receive acceptance / positive attention from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be “good at acting” because it would validate my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will fail at acting because that would destroy my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child, when I was depressed and thought I am not good enough in anything, to hold on to practicing the skills/talents that I received positive feedback / attention from (singing and acting) because in terms of “being loved” they were most rewarding.*

*Not the only reason I kept doing these as I also enjoyed the act of expression itself, but a secret one that lay underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to react positively to my performance on stage because this is what has usually happened and I have built a self-image based on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive attention when they have seen me perform on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to show admiration when they have seen me perform on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive comments, remarks, notes and feedback regarding my performance on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when another gives me critique about my performance on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and take a defensive stance when another gives me constructive feedback about what was actually here, and to cover up my defensiveness by adopting the character that “receives critique well”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when another shows me their appreciation for what I did on stage, they are expressing their experience of what happened, which is usually loaded with emotions and feelings, and that if their feedback concerns this subjective experience of theirs it is nothing I can take credit for. [For example, if another says “I was so moved by X”, it is not a statement that the action X was in fact “moving” but that the person experienced it as such.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I receive positive/negative feedback from the audience, not realizing their feedback mostly reflects their personal experience of what they saw.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “the kind of person” who is able to take critique when in fact I have reacted, defended and pretended every time this has happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and try to defend myself from critique because it poses a threat to my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take critique personally, not realizing that at least some of it is an expression of how this person experienced what he/she saw, which is nothing I can take credit for – and that if another gives me constructive feedback on what I do and how to refine my skills it is something to embrace and welcome and test out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to critique which I have perceived to have been said out of jealousy, spite and bitterness, thinking “they're saying this to bully me”, not realizing that I am reacting because I see myself to be inferior to the other and then blaming the other for my experience - “I feel bad because you are jealous/spiteful/bitter” - abdicating my responsibility over my own experience of inferiority in the setting of bullying.

I will continue with more thought dimensions in the next part.