Day 397: Compiling secret spite

01042014

A couple of days ago I faced harsh and direct judgement to which I reacted to quite strongly. I took the message personally and felt really bothered by it with an awful feeling in my gut. The message I received pointed out a mistake I had made, but it did so with a tone that I responded to with a negative reaction, and so I missed out on receiving the valid feedback and only focused on the element of judgement.

Now, a couple days later, the situation came to a culmination point. Because of my reaction of taking the judgmental tone of another personally, I had made decisions to act upon my self-judgement and in a way punished myself for being judged – not for the mistake itself, but for the fact that somebody wasn't pleased with me! So in a way I was trying to redeem for my mistakes, but not the ones I had actually made. I perceived my fault to have been the fact that I was so “bad” that another had judged me, and again ignored what I could have originally done better.

So these actions of mine were noticed and responded to with common sense, which is when I realized I had been wrong all along. I was acting just like my father has in similar situations: compiling secret spite under actions of self-punishment. And with the same people, even! I realized that in this situation I was the spitting image of my father, with every tone, posture, gesture and word, and having seen the consequences of my father's actions on himself I will not accept and allow myself to follow in these footsteps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X's tone of voice and choice of words as I have learned to fear aggression as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that aggression directed towards me is valid and always my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to aggression without questioning the validity of the aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the message under the aggression as my focus has been on the way the message has been delivered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see past my fear reaction to aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to aggression by shrinking and withdrawing instead of standing up and breathing myself open.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when facing aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X as an authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving feedback from X – be it delivered with any tone, aggression or not – as I have known her feedback to be (mostly) valid and direct and thus feared facing conflict within myself, forgetting that conflict is an opportunity to change and develop myself for the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my worth according to how much/little feedback I receive from X, wanting to be “ready” so that she would have nothing to criticize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my relationship to X has been created on a basis of imbalanced power relations – when I was a child and she was my mentor – and that for this relationship to work now that we're both adults equal in power I need to change my stance towards her from fearful to fearless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these complications in my relationship to X are not surprising at all, as we have started off in an unequal relationship, and that now that I can see the cause of the complications the dynamics of this relationship can in fact be changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see the feedback behind X's aggressive message as I have not wanted to admit to having done something “wrong” (not as well as possible).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the opportunity to learn from the feedback by not looking at what was said and instead secretly blaming X for being “inconsiderate”, “irrational” and “hysteric”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and appear as if I was redeeming for my mistakes by acting upon self-punishment, not realizing that I was doing this just to appear submissive while I was secretly compiling spite towards X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I “shouldn't” be making mistakes now that I am no longer a child within my relationship to X, not realizing that people of all ages make mistakes as mistakes are an inevitable part of learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see and embrace the mistakes I make around X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes around X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my father reacts and responds to X in the exact same way as I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by mirroring my relationship with X to my fathers relationship with X I can easily see what mistakes I have made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the spitting image of my father, not realizing that as I do so I also repeat the same mistakes he has made and end up suffering the same consequences.

I commit myself to focus on moving from fearfulness to fearlessness in practical application within my relationship to X.

I commit myself to accept and allow myself to make mistakes around X and to receive feedback for them.

I commit myself to support and assist myself with breathing when and as I react to aggression with fear.

Days 352-354: Alcohol

16-18112013

Since I am currently on my way to an event that will probably include drinking alcohol, I thought it fitting to address my issue with drinking that has surfaced recently.

I grew up in an environment that encouraged drinking alcohol, and although everyone knew that legally I shouldn't have been drinking before I turned 18, I was pretty much allowed to start drinking when it started to interest me. My older siblings and even parents would buy me drinks if I asked them to: I never asked for anything “too much”, and for them my behavior was normal, what kids my age were doing anyway.

I got “into” drinking when I was about 15-16 and my group of high school friends started forming. For me drinking was a social thing: I enjoyed parties, their exciting, adventurous and carefree atmosphere, and I was thrilled to be meeting people, because I had learned that apparently relationships mostly formed in parties when people are a little drunk (less tense and defensive / more welcoming and appealing). When I look back on it I can see that my reason for partying was mostly sex/relationships, although sometimes it was to feel like I “belonged” somewhere, to feel “connected” to people, and to be less lonely.

After high school I got alienated from my friends and so the social environment I used to drink in was no longer there. My group of friends changed while my income decreased heavily, and because my new friends were always drinking in bars and night clubs I could no longer financially afford to drink socially. I quit drinking through bitterness and it created a nasty undertone to my friendships.

I later realized real reasons to not drink: it's damaging to my physical health AND to my mental condition. For many years I have not really been drinking because I have always been low on money and I have been too busy to fit that kind of socializing into my life.

Now that these limitations (money and time) have been removed, since my income is decent and I have time and opportunities to socialize, I've noticed that I am very prone to drinking. I realize that this is a problem, because the reasons for my drinking are the same as they were when I was 16: relaxing, fitting in and being social. When asking myself “why do I drink” just now, my answer was: “Because I can.” Now I am “finally” able to drink alcohol, and for a while I've just been going with it because of the energetic release of “having access” to something that used to be inaccessible.

But as I am now continuing to write this after the night of drinking I mentioned, I know that this tendency to use alcohol as a way to “unwind” has got to stop. What I witnessed in myself was a relaxation, opening up and talkativeness when I was drinking (like, after two sips of wine, lol – completely a mental thing) with my tension returning twice as bad the following day. The points of nervousness that I bypassed with alcohol were there just the same when I had to face them sober.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape anxiety, tension and nervousness into drinking because when growing up I learned through observation and direct advice that this is what people do and how people live.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of rather escaping anxiety, tension and nervousness than directly dealing with their starting point, because as a child this is what I witnessed the people around me doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a behavioral pattern / a habit out of drinking as an escape from anxiety, tension and nervousness because when I first tried it out it appeared to “work” (when getting drunk for the first time I gave myself the permission to “let loose”, which I misinterpreted to have been caused by the substance itself) and so I continued to do so whenever I wanted to feel relaxed, energetic and excited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make alcohol the symbol of “fun”, not realizing that by doing so I limit myself from having “fun” without alcohol and make the experience of “fun” dependent on alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child/teenager to create an image of alcohol in my mind – an icon / a symbol – that represented “fun”, “enjoyment”, “relaxation”, “friends”, “leisure”, “good times”, “excitement” and “adventure”, not questioning this positively charged image/icon/symbol even when I saw myself and others manifest the complete opposite when drunk – aggression, depression, hallucinations, violence, regression, physical poisoning, fighting – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the actual consequences of mine and my friends' reasons for drinking alcohol just to hold onto the positive image of alcohol as the “ultimate release”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in order to celebrate (to express my gratitude over something) - be it a finished task, the people in my life or life events - I need to drink alcohol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that one of the reasons I feel compelled to drink alcohol when I'm doing something social is because to me socializing is often a form of celebration (expressing my gratitude/appreciation for the people that are there), which I have learned to connect with the culture of drinking.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how vast the culture of drinking alcohol is and that unraveling this habit from myself is a lengthy task.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that alcohol is a “bad” thing and judge myself and others accordingly, not realizing that the substance itself is neither good or evil because it is just a tool, a conveyor of the intentions behind the use of the substance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for using alcohol because I have assumed that their intentions to use it are destructive (escapism).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that alcoholism will exist whether I judge it or not, and that if my goal is to affect the existence of alcoholism, judgement doesn't really help me get anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the world and its phenomenons will exist no matter what I think of them within my mind, and that the way to affect the world is not through the conceptual reality (judgement) but through the physical reality (actions).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who drink alcohol as escapism (almost everyone) because I have held onto my self-judgement and projected it onto others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for drinking alcohol because based on the consequences of my drinking (conflict, mistakes, embarrassment) I have labeled drinking as “bad”, not realizing that it is not alcohol or even the act of drinking that creates the negative consequences but MYSELF, because alcohol releases from me all of the things I would like to express but normally suppress, which makes WHO I AM within the act of drinking the cause for all the consequences of the action itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that drinking alcohol makes me stupid, annoying, reckless, loud, vicious, desperate and depressed, not realizing that alcohol simply brings out who I already am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge the qualities listed above as “no good” (qualities I do not want attached to “who I am” / my personality / the image of me that others see), and to thus judge myself when and as these hidden/suppressed qualities eventually surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny these dimensions of myself / of human expression, not realizing that in order to release them and truly make a choice to either live or not live out these dimensions I need to first embrace them all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as long as I judge myself for a dimension of human expression (such as being loud), I will not be able to fully let it go.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that drinking alcohol makes me happy, joyful, laughing, energetic, excited, horny, social, funny and elevated, not realizing that I have already been all this on some level but used alcohol to emphasize these dimensions of human expression to override the negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use alcohol to get high on positive energy, not realizing that I am escaping the reality where I do not feel OK with myself into a temporary illusion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the illusion of self-elevation created when drunk dissolves easily when the pattern of being drunk is broken.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mind pattern of a “successful night of drinking”, where the chain of alcohol is uninterrupted, I do not react negatively to anything and I have pleasant people around me all night – not realizing that when I expect my night to go like this the night is easily “ruined” (the energy high crashes) even with a small disturbance.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like a night is “ruined” because I reacted negatively to something.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like the memory of an otherwise fun evening is “ruined” because of something negative that happened at the end of the night.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in drinking to create “nice memories”, not realizing that this starting point itself holds the expectation that the evening as a whole should go “according to plan” so that the memory would be unspoiled, and that having an expectation like this is simply unrealistic because of the numerous factors included in an event that concerns several people, if in a bar maybe even hundreds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that drinking should be fun, thus reacting when it is not fun, not realizing that my expectation itself is unrealistic and that having an expectation on any social event doesn't really serve any purpose as the events can't really be foretold.

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I commit myself to investigate why my life feels tense / unfulfilling so that there is a need for “unwinding” through alcohol-related socializing.

I commit myself to walk through the above-mentioned tension points in writing to see how to release them in order to make life truly and sustainably enjoyable (“fun”) in every single breath.

I commit myself to stop drinking alcohol for now to see how it affects social situations where I would usually drink (e.g. celebration).

I commit myself to be patient with myself concerning this point as I see, realize and understand that I have grown within a culture of drinking and that the culture is thus embedded into me in multiple layers.

I commit myself, in my occupation as an alcohol vendor, to investigate how alcohol as a tool is being used, and instead of judging alcohol itself as “good” or “bad” to look at how and why alcohol is being used.

I commit myself to utilize my position as a bartender to discuss alcohol with other people.

I commit myself to go through memories of differing consequences of my alcohol use and to map out how these consequences have manifested who I was during that time.

When, as and if I do drink alcohol, I commit myself to investigate the dimensions of human expression that arise in me and to investigate them thoroughly in writing to see why I suppress and deny these dimensions in myself.

I commit myself to investigate what kind of expectations I set on different kinds of social situations.

This was a box of worms, whew! Lol, I'm glad to see this point finally opening up, as I've been meaning to focus on it many times before. I'll continue with this later on.

Day 343: Facing myself within the fear of men

28102013

"Lean on me" by Susan Lyon

I have recently become involved in a new relationship, and it is still in the process of taking form which is why I will not go into details on it yet. It has been a pretty dominant experience for me during the past few weeks and I am now starting to see what I have been going through when facing this new person – or more accurately, who I am with this person.

When I met this person I was both attracted to him and extremely scared of him. There was nothing about him that would have required me to be cautious, which is the purpose of fear as a survival mechanism: he was not dangerous, malicious or abusive. The reason I was (and still am a little bit) afraid of him is because of a stereotype of men I connected him to upon my first impression of him, and also because of what I see of myself when I am with him. In his presence I am faced both with the absurdity of judging people by who they appear to be and with the boundaries of my current comfort zone.

Because of the stereotype in my mind – which I have compiled as a result of my past experiences with men – I was at first suspicious of him and cautious around him, which basically manifested as an all-over tension in my body and a lack of relaxed breathing. When I interacted with him this became more and more obvious to me because within the interaction I was getting constant feedback and support, both verbal and non-verbal. I had to face the fact that this person was showing me his trustworthiness and exposing himself to me while I was being reserved and judgmental out of fear.

A while back I was writing about a core question that had arisen in me: who am I with others? I have noticed that there isn't really anyone I would be entirely relaxed with – the kind of relaxed that I am alone at home without the fear of anyone seeing me – and I realized that I am starting to approach a point in walking myself out of introversion where I am going to have to write this shit out in detail and apply it in practice. However, for now I have not done so, at least not as effectively as I could have. It may be because I am currently living alone and also haven't been in a partnership with anyone for a year: I have not had that stable and consistent platform for feedback and support that helps immensely in self-development. My situation is currently changing from having no intense support to having plenty of it (more on that later), and I think that this is a prime opportunity to start focusing on the personalities I utilize to protect myself within social conduct.

A personality I have come across is one that I call the “happy persona” - a state of being where I hesitate sharing my troubles, worries and challenges and rather portray myself to be joyous, successful and trouble-free. I will begin walking this point with self-forgiveness in posts to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X to be “just another man” after nothing but sex because he was straightforward, handsome and appeared confident.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that men who are straightforward – directly addressing what is going on instead of tip-toeing around the issue – are only interested in self-satisfaction (getting what they desire as fast as possible), not realizing that I have created this interpretation based on a few past experiences where some men have approached me with the purpose of having sex with me, as well as on the image of men as sexually predatory which the society and culture I grew up in has taught me – and that the reason I avoid straightforward men and gravitate towards shy men is because shy men feel “safe” to me whereas straightforward men feel “dangerous” - not realizing that this “gut feeling” of mine doesn't actually say anything about the actual intentions about the people: the shy guy might as well be looking for someone to manipulate while the straightforward guy might be sincerely interested in other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that good-looking men are bound to be assholes because their looks “must have” provided them with so much popularity that they have become self-centered – not realizing that this is yet another stereotype I have created based on a few real-life examples (completely ignoring the good-looking people who have turned out incredibly humble) and on the character of the “handsome douche” that is everywhere in the pop culture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “good looks” - no matter how normative – are subjective, and that “good looks” is not an asset that would work for the benefit of a person anywhere universally, and that therefore I cannot assume that a person has “had it good” just because of how their face and body is shaped because I don't know what kind of a life they have actually lived and how they have experienced it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that confident men are abusive because they are often assertive whereas I have been passive and easy to comply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confident men as “abusive”, not realizing that I am actually afraid of them because I perceive myself to be “powerless” in front of their assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the position of “the abused” and blame another for “abusing” me when in fact I have done nothing to become assertive and self-directed myself and then complied to the assertiveness of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by the confidence of another because I have felt like I am “losing” in comparison to the other – not realizing that what I perceive as “confidence” might not even be confidence and that the person might actually be just as scared as I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “safety” from shy men who have not been confident, assertive and/or straightforward because with them I have not had to develop my confidence, assertiveness and straightforwardness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give X a chance to show me who he really is / myself a chance to see who he really is because it was easier to defend myself with the stereotype of a “non-trustworthy man” (“stay away form this guy bad news bad news!”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that my assumptions and first-impressions about X were influenced by fear and that my view of him was distorted from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a person through fear, manifested as tension in my body, and then blame the other for “coming too close” when and as I have been faced with my own fearful and tense state of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when another has challenged my belief on how social situations “should be” conducted: when, where and how are which actions “allowed”.

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[Cut out some personal SF that went into more detail on the beliefs that were challenged. The conclusion I came to was that when I believe that certain forms of self-expression are "not allowed" in social conduct until enough time has passed and an appropriate sense of "trustworthiness" has been established, I support myself to assume the worst out of everyone I do not yet know "well enough" - which is the majority of all the fucking people on this planet - and consequently give myself permission to be reserved and limited with everyone who hasn't made it into my "inner circle".]

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing and exposing the fact that I am excited and happy about this new person being in my life and the opportunities this situation opens up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing my excitement because I have wanted to remain “above” the situation by appearing “cool”, not realizing that this is yet another defense mechanism I use to protect myself from abuse – not realizing that I will not protect myself from abuse by distancing myself from people and suppressing my interest towards people but by not living as the compliant, passive victim I have gotten used to being.

When and as I am with X, I commit myself to focus on my breathing as much as possible to stabilize myself and thus assist and support myself to notice and face my own reactions, feelings, emotions and thoughts.

I commit myself to write about the points that arise within interaction with X.

I commit myself to utilize this opportunity to practice self-honest communication by not accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from X and by instead sharing my experience in its entirety without sugar-coating. (Quite awesome that he supports me in this!)

I will continue with the “who am I with others” personality point in posts to come.

Day 310: Dissolving a stereotype

06092013

Yesterday I was working in the bar and close to our closing time a couple of my new class mates from university walked in. While I was talking with them and observing their behavior in the bar I realized something about these people, and about myself.

I'll name these two girls A and B. For the past couple of weeks that I've been hanging out with them I've observed A to be a bit tense and nervous, but she seems active, and she has been one of the most eager to go out to party. B has appeared very fearful to me, kind of fidgety, with her eyes darting around as if she's not sure whether my look for instance (or anything in her environment) is friendly or hostile.

When they came to the bar yesterday they were both very drunk, and a lot started to make sense. A, who had been most eager to go party, was really loud and expressive when she was drunk – and I realized that she is probably a very expressive person who just believes she cannot do it without alcohol in her system. And B, while drunk, was a bit less fidgety, and came across as very warm and friendly when her guard was lowered.

What I realized was that with these kind of people I have usually been influenced by prejudice. I have judged their need to get intoxicated and I have labeled them into a specific kind of a stereotype (“pissikset” in finnish, the archetype of a superficial teenage girl). I have not wanted to be in contact with these kinds of people and I have very effectively pushed them out of my life. This time around when I began university I knew that I would be facing all kinds of people and my approach was different than usual – I wasn't prepared for anything specific, I just knew that I wanted to get to know all kinds of new people that I came across because university is a great place for doing that. Yesterday I realized that I had not labeled these people into that superficial stereotype: to me they were just my classmates. And so I was able to actually see them and embrace them because I wasn't separating them from myself with a made-up boundary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself from seeing people for who they actually are (how they are actually moving in this reality without my filtered interpretation of it) by believing and perceiving them to be “different” from me and thus never seeing them as one with and equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing other people as one with and equal to me because it would require me to see myself in them, including the things that I judge, dislike, hate, resent or despise in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself as one with and equal to people who believe they need alcohol/drugs to be able to express themselves without limitations, because I have been like this myself and haven't forgiven myself for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself as one with and equal to people who suppress and limit their self-expression because I am struggling with the same issues myself, just in different ways, and because “freedom of expression” is a defining factor in my personality/ego and admitting that I am in fact limited in my self-expression would shatter my ego.*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself apart from people who are limited in their self-expression by adopting the role of someone above them – “the one who is NOT limited in their self-expression” – not realizing that this is just another personality I use to feel good about myself.*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as insecure to others who are insecure as I fear giving up my position of dominance, not realizing that exposing myself to another might actually be of support to the other when upholding my appearance and keeping a distance most certainly will not.

I commit myself to investigate and explore how exposing my “weaknesses” to others would act as support and assistance for others as well as for myself.

I commit myself to seek for the “good” in other people – their true potential – especially in those who I dislike, despise, resent, hate and/or judge.

I commit myself to expect from other people nothing but their utmost potential, as I have seen how this approach to others actually brings out the best in them; when and as I live within the experience “you are a small push away from the best you can be” I support the other to make that push and live as the best they can be.

I commit myself to investigate the ego and personality points mentioned above.*

Day 306: How dare you!

02092013

Lately I've been going through the point of reacting with anger to seeing injustice, ignorance or some form of wrong-doing. This point arose when I encountered a homeless man on the street and reacted to the behavior of the other people that were present. A friend gave me some perspective on what happens within that moment of reaction and I found it really helpful.

Just now I faced this point again within a different context, and because it happened to fit this topic precisely I figured I might as well just write it out immediately. Quite cool, huh!

Me and the other administrators at our theatre have been trying to arrange a meeting with one of the city officials to negotiate the terms under which we operate in the facilities we are using. For some years now there has been an ongoing passive-aggressive conflict between this specific city official and the chairman of our theatre group. Our chairman has spoken of this official with heavily emotional words due to her frustration, and while I have tried to keep a neutral position to this person and this mess we are trying to solve – because I simply do not know enough of it and have never even met this official - some of our chairman's words have gotten to me and I have in fact adopted some of her negativity. The “evidence” for her claims has been “convincing” enough for me to believe her interpretation of the situation.

I noticed this just now when I was checking on the details of the meeting we had agreed for tomorrow and found out that the official had to cancel the meeting and now suggested another date and time. I reacted by saying: “I knew it!” This meaning that I had already assumed this official to be disrespectful and inconsiderate towards us based on what I have seen and heard of her actions and attitude so far. There's six of us trying to fit our schedules with hers, and she won't even let us know until we call her the last minute?! That's fucking rude!

But I realized while I was huffing and puffing and swearing in my anger that I was doing it again: I already had an image / assumption about who this city official is based on what I have heard of her in the past; I was interpreting the happenings according to my image/assumption of her; I reacted according to my interpretation; I found my reaction justified; and thus, I held onto my reaction and just wanted to express my anger instead of finding a solution to what I perceived to be “wrong”/unjust (another being inconsiderate).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an image into my mind of a person I have never even interacted with based on what other people have told me about her and my following interpretations of what her influence might have been on actual events/happenings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the justifications others have given for their emotional reactions towards this person, accepting and allowing them to react and be emotional as I have believed that it is enough if I do not react – not realizing that if there's even one person within the group who is allowed to remain angry it will influence the entire group unless we're all stable – which we are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret each new “story” I have heard of this person throughout the years according to what I have heard of her in the past, remembering the anger of others, believing and perceiving that I'm looking at a chain of unjust events when in fact I do not know what actually happened in the past, nor what happened in the present; I do not know who this person is and the consistent anger of others is not “evidence” of this person's unjust nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by another's consistent anger/negativity/frustration by creating a belief that her anger is justified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though what I see here may actually have been a chain of unjust events, the reactions these events have triggered in others are still not justifiable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not know why this person canceled the meeting – there's a million reasons why one would have to cancel an appointment at the last minute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this person canceled the meeting out of ill will, spite and malice based who I believe her to be – who she is as an image in my mind – not realizing that I have seen no actual indication of ill will, spite or malice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that second-hand information is never fully reliable no matter how much I would like to trust its source.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further amplify my reaction of anger by thinking “I am very busy – I went through all this trouble to fit this into my schedule – it will be SO HARD to arrange another appointment – AAAAAA that's so fucking rude of her!” - blaming my own hardship* of arranging a schedule on another.

* A heaviness which I create myself and which doesn't actually exist in the physical reality outside of my conceptual reality.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified to blame a person I have defined as “disrespectful”, “unjust” and “ignorant” (blame-worthy) for my self-created hardship.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that arranging a schedule is difficult, burdensome, hard and demanding and that it is a “big” task – not realizing that people's lives constantly flow and fluctuate and change and that schedules must follow this nature of living – and that arranging a schedule is thus nothing but taking the building blocks of your life and putting them in an order that works best for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a schedule that seems to work best for me, not taking into consideration that when there are other people involved I must find an arrangement that works best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I heard about the meeting being canceled because I assumed the meeting to have been canceled out of malice, not realizing that my interpretation of what's happening is not based on facts gathered NOW, in the present moment, but on images, stories and memories from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is unfair and untrue to evaluate a person based on stories and memories from the past, as I then do not take into consideration who that person is NOW – and that NOW is all that actually matters in time and space as Life is but an ongoing NOW-moment; the past and present do not exist anymore/yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know who a person is even though I have never interacted with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this person a chance to show me who she is; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a chance to see who this person is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reaction of anger by thinking “she is doing wrong” - not realizing that if she indeed is doing something that is not best for all, getting angry about it is not going to change anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what I can do to find a solution for a situation where a lot of people are trying to fit their schedules together and instead lock myself into anger and blame one of these people for “making it difficult” - not realizing that if I experience arranging (this) appointment a “burden” it is my creation and thus my responsibility.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to be aware of the “baggage” of negativity that I have adopted from others concerning her; and I commit myself to look at who she actually is, allowing no bullshit (assumptions, filters, guesswork, hostility, negativity) from myself.

I commit myself to check myself for any want/need/desire to be "above" this person as this approach through arrogance is nothing but a defense mechanism.

I commit myself to ask myself why I fear this person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person based on the stories I have heard of her, not realizing that if she were in fact to abuse her position of authority and power as the stories tell, it would simply mean the end of our theatre as it is at the moment - not the end of the world, that is - and that even that moment of destruction would have many opportunities and open doors.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to stop, breathe and stabilize myself into my physical body. I will engage in eye contact with her and if possible, seek for a physical connection point as well (i.e. handshake). I will expect nothing but the best of her and I will allow her to unravel as she will. I will live as an example by being self-honest, expressive and kind, yet allowing no bullshit from her or anyone else.

I commit myself to seek an understanding of this person as one with and equal to me by placing myself "in her shoes".

--

On a more general scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I see something I perceive and believe to be “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” - within this reaction stating “this is not what I want MY world to be!” - thus manifesting my helplessness, worry and distress through anger, blaming another for “making” my world a bad place, not realizing that the actual cause of a human being acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” is not in the individual alone but in all of society, in all its participants and its structures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I see another acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong”, blaming the other for ruining my reality, not realizing that who the other is within their “unjust”/”ignorant”/”wrong” expression is a manifestation of what the society and the world is – and thus also an expression of who I am, as I am a part of this society/world.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is not “the other” who is ruining my reality but all of us combined, and that it is our responsiblity to assist and support each other to correct what we can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for their mistakes instead of supporting and assisting them to see their mistake and correct their behavior - and/or everyone making the same mistake by studying and addressing the actual cause of the misbehavior and living as an example of self-direction.

I commit myself to study the world I live in - my world! our world! - in order to see, realize and understand the reasons behind the current manifestations of injustice and ignorance so that I may be able to contribute to the solution to these issues.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger to an act of injustice or ignorance - I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am passing the blame for what the world is at the moment onto another person, when in fact we are all responsible for such manifestations of a dysfunctional world. I breathe and I check myself for similar behavior: would I act in a similar way and why? I remind myself that I do not know the exact reasons behind this particular act other than it most likely being connected to fear on some level. I realize that my anger is not justified, and I remind myself that acting through anger will only serve my ego, as I would be trying to enforce "correct behavior" to make my world appear "OK" again. I let go of my anger with self-forgiveness and breathing*. When and as my anger has dissolved I have another look at the situation to see what actually happened - not what I believe to have happened - and I continue with the situation according to common sense, self-honesty and what is best for all.

*If I fail at letting go of the anger in the moment of breath, I commit myself to continue writing about this point until it is done.

Days 304-305: The fallen, the homeless, the disappeared

30-31082013

One day I was waiting for a bus and I started talking with a homeless man. He told me that he had three adult children which he had not seen since their childhood (the youngest had been around 5 when he “disappeared” from their lives), and that the children did not know where he is and he did not know where his children are. This made me think of all the people I've met who have told me that either one of their parents has “left” when they were young and that they have not seen this parent ever since. I was looking at the homeless man in front of me and realizing: He is one of those “missing fathers” – but he is here, he exists, he is not missing. Somewhere in this world his children are wondering what their father is doing, if he's still alive, why he left without an explanation, wanting to meet him, maybe, if only once more – and here he sits on a bench without a home and a family, regretful, hopeless and suicidal.

At the end of the conversation I shook his hand, and I was surprised by how warm and clean his hand was.

The self-forgiveness here is what I have processed for many years, so not all of it applies to who I am at the moment; some of this I have outgrown already. The behavior of the other people in the situation reminded me of these points and I wanted to write them out to be clear with myself, and also to not judge others for being resentful of homeless people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homeless people – the people on the streets – have once “had a life” from which they have now fallen, and that they have not been born into a life on the streets. (This is very uncommon in Finland as far as I know; in other places people are in fact born into slums and extreme poverty.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse homeless people for causing their own downfall, not realizing that this society has basically offered them no choice due to lack of support (education, resources, tools) for them, their parents, their grandparents and so forth, this lack of support throughout generations resulting in a person “falling” from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homelessness is a consequence of who we are as a society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent homeless people because I perceive them to be dirty, not realizing that they are not dirty out of their own will but because they have no place to wash themselves in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that homeless people are lazy, not realizing that they are not offered chances to do things NOR the mental and physical support they would need to outgrow what the previous generations and our current society have passed on to them (i.e. addictions, powerlessness, self-abuse).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that people end up on the streets for various reasons, loss of income, loss of family and loss of sanity only being a glimpse into why someone might not have a home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear homeless people because I have believed they might attack me out of jealousy, bitterness and spite – not looking into myself to see if I give them a cause to attack me, if I in fact create separation between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore a homeless person talking to me because I have wanted them to leave me alone and go bother someone else as I have feared they might attack me if I paid attention to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how immensely rude and arrogant it is to ignore another person who is trying to communicate with you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by ignoring another person I tell them they are “invisible” to me – that they do not matter to me – that they are not one with and equal to me; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize homeless people as LIFE – not realizing that while doing so I separate from myself what a homeless person represents and thus make myself less than LIFE as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and keep homelessness out of my life because I did not understand what it was and why it existed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent homelessness because homelessness represented losing and death, a worst-case scenario, and I feared I would end up like the homeless people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homeless people have all had mothers and fathers, they have all been children, they have (mostly) went to school (at least in Finland), that they are people who have been born, grown up and lived just as I have, but that somewhere along the way because of how they were raised, how they were taught and how they were supported they fell out of the society – which is a phenomenon that tells me there is something wrong, because we shouldn't have a society from which you can fall out of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from homeless people as human beings and as beings of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept homelessness as an inevitable phenomenon that is a part of our society – not realizing that this is not the kind of a society I wish to create, build and uphold, and that a society is what the people make of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homelessness is a consequence of inequality and separation among human beings in thought, speech and action, and that it is thus not inevitable / unrepairable because I have seen that equality and unity in thought, speech and action – in who people are and live as – are in fact possible because this is in alignment with the physical reality, the equality and oneness of all physical matter being absolute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who resent the homeless because I see myself to be “better” than them as I do interact with the homeless – not realizing that by thinking I am doing something “noble” by talking with the homeless I am feeding my ego and living as arrogance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of the homeless as “lesser people” who need to be “given” mercy and kindness from the above, as if my time and effort was somehow precious and special and not commonsensical – that which needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to elevate myself above the homeless because I have not fallen from the society - according to the rules of the game, I am still playing – not realizing that the game of survival only exists within the human minds and that if I believe the game to be real I lose touch of the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason I am in a more fortunate position in the society than the homeless is because of arbitrary factors, not because I'd “deserve” it or be somehow entitled to it, and that I am in fact one with and equal to the homeless people because they are beings of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for resenting the homeless because I have not wanted to face my arrogance and wanted to make someone else the “bad guy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to people who resent the homeless, because in them I see my own fear and helplessness.

When and as I see myself reacting to a person resenting homeless people by getting angry and wanting to show them an example of how to treat them better – I stop, I breathe and I realize that if I do this through anger or even slight irritation I am not focusing on what's best for the homeless person – I might not hear a word they say – as I am only concerned with my own behavior and how I appear to other people. I realize that my reaction of anger is triggered as I see my own fear and helplessness reflected in the person resenting the homeless, which I then exert and blame onto the other. I realize that if I would act from this starting point of anger I would not be helping anyone, as the homeless would not be heard, I would feed my ego and the other would witness an example of how to appear selfless, not how to actually be selfless. Therefore, I stop and I breathe, and I release the anger from me through self-forgiveness and breathing. I ground myself back into the physical. I move my focus into the homeless person ad ask myself: what does he/she need? I proceed with action from this perspective.

I commit myself to study and investigate how homelessness / falling out of the society as a phenomenon could be prevented in the field of education and child care.

I commit myself to continue to interact with the homeless / the fallen within and as the realization that even though I cannot save the world one homeless at a time (ego point – the savior) I will learn from the interaction and grow towards finding a real solution to inequality.

I commit myself to check my starting point when and as I interact with the homeless / the fallen and to thus make sure I am not approaching them through a high status.

I commit myself to interact with the homeless / the fallen without the assumption that their life is and has always been pure suffering, thus eliminating pity from my approach as pity often makes me blind to the mistakes the other had done.

Days 210-211: Misunderstandings

20-21042013

As I have now been studying for my entrance exams I have been thinking about different studying techniques, and today I came across I memory from my teen years. When I was in junior high school (age 12-15) I had a friend who did very well in school. She once shared with us some of her methods for studying, which were i.e. reading the most relevant information right before going to bed so that it would have time to “brew” at the “back of her head”; and also keeping her school books next to her bed so that if she happened to wake up in the middle of the night she could read something from the book and then go back to sleep. I remember myself being overwhelmed by this as I could not conceive why anyone would want to study so much – my motivation to study was not that high – and I thought she was “odd” and “crazy” to study at times which I considered to be reserved for resting and when I would rather just read comics or prose. I remember myself and some other girls in the same group voicing this opinion of her being “odd” for doing such things – I did not mean ay harm by it, but was simply expressing my bewilderment.

So I realized how she might have actually interpreted this expression wrong. I realized that as I called her “odd” and “crazy” she might have taken this as a malicious act and experienced herself to have been teased, bullied and/or belittled by me/us. I then realized that some of my experiences of being bullied may have been similar misunderstandings, where I take the self-expression of another personally as it is not directly communicated that “I am now expressing my overwhelmedness”, lol, there are not many children who know how to do that.

As I was writing out the memory I also realized that I am not sure how my self-expression affected the expression and opinion of others. Within that group of friends my expression was quite powerful and unlimited – I had friends whom I could relax with and I was testing out different levels of dominance as my friends were somewhat submissive themselves. So when I expressed my overwhelmedness I remember the group being supportive of what I said – that she was “odd” and “crazy” - but I just now realized that I may have overridden people who were easy to influence with my opinions, causing them to agree with me as I was in an authoritative position because of my dominant expression. Which means that I just now realized what my responsibility was within that situation. This dominance that the group accepted and allowed me to uphold and execute was one of the things that led to the group breaking up later on, as the others started to resent my self-expression and later on excluded me from the group.

So what I'm seeing here is that a lot of my experiences with bullying may have been similar incidents where spite was suppressed and accumulated as I took things personally when they were not meant as such, and that I myself may have caused many similar situations as I have not realized my responsibility to be clear on my communication. This may be occurring even now as I'm becoming more honest and straightforward in my words yet not taking into consideration that my responsibility is to communicate myself as clearly as possible to avoid misunderstandings. Simply voicing my starting point – that I do not mean any harm but am instead communicating from this and this perspective – would be a great start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another's self-expression personally as I have misinterpreted their words, tone and gestures to be a direct judgement of who I am, not seeing that it may simply be their self-expression of their experience which I do not fully grasp i.e. because of faults in communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the effects my self-expression as words, tone and gestures has on others when unclearly communicated and to not realize my responsibility within interaction to do my best to be understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell another being that she is “odd” and “crazy” without specifying that this is my reaction to my world-view clashing with another's which seemed “alien” to me as I had not yet at the time realized and learned to express that this is the process that I went through within that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as a participant of interaction by assertively defining another being without specifying that this is by no means a valid assessment of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my position within the above-mentioned group of friends by testing out different ways to dominate, control and lead others, not realizing that I was taking advantage of people who expressed their insecurity through submission whereas I expressed my insecurity through dominance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as an equal participant of interaction by not being clear on my communication by thinking “oh well, I guess they got my point” and letting the unclear moments slip by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be sensitive about the reactions of others as indicators of possible misunderstandings where I could then correct my expression accordingly to do what I can to avoid possible conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify abdicating my responsibility to correct unclear communication with the belief that people understand each other even without everything being voiced, not realizing that I am using this belief to not voice things that I find uncomfortable communicating to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have noticed another to react which may have indicated a misunderstanding, to react with fear and choose to “skip” clarifying my expression to another by thinking “oh well, I guess he/she got my point” so that I could avoid what I fear, which here is the possibility of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within my fear of conflict to ignore possible signs of misunderstandings (i.e. in the body language of others) so that I wouldn't have to solve the misunderstanding, because I fear that the process of solving a misunderstanding would lead to conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that attempting to solve a misunderstanding will probably lead to conflict and to thus fear solving misunderstandings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this belief/perception that attempts to clear things out will become conflicts based on previous situations where I have tried to clear things out and have failed.

• Numerous memories arise concerning this:
  • In elementary school (age 9-10) when all my friends collectively decided to ignore me and no longer be friends with me I tried to solve the situation but no one would engage in discussion with me > I felt abandoned and powerless > my attempt proved futile because no one would respond.
  • When I was around 19 a friend of mine accused me of “idolizing my sister”, which was a perception she appeared to base on who I had been as a child but was no more. I told her this was no longer true and she would not believe me, and I felt that I was unfairly judged > my attempt to solve a misunderstanding proved futile because another would not listen to my words over her belief > I felt judged and misunderstood.
  • Around the age 20 I tried to speak to a group of friends about a communication issue I had noticed within the group. I sent everyone a message where I directly addressed the issue (people talking shit behind each other's backs and not communicating directly to each other) and nobody replied. I was later on excluded from the group and from this I concluded that the habit of talking shit about people behind their backs continued in my case as well. > I realize that in this case I was reactive within the message I sent as I was frustrated and wanted someone to interact with me instead of “fading away” as they always did > I felt like the interaction was a failure because I got no response.

In all of the above-mentioned memories the common nominator for “failure” is [the lack of response], which I now see, realize and understand to not be something I can influence, as each and every person makes their own choices and I cannot make another person engage in a conversation to clear things up if they do not want to. I see that I have felt myself judged in these situations through “silent rejection” and thus started to fear situations like this. I have thus connected [attempting to solve a situation] to [rejection] which I have blamed on myself through feeling judged, which is in fact self-judgement through the eyes of others. I have not seen, realized and understood that the lack of response from others is “out of my hands” - I have done all I could, and if others haven't joined in it is their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame it on myself when another person does not respond to my attempt to communicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unfairly judged when another person chooses to believe their perception of me instead of seeing who I actually am, clinging onto the feeling of unfairness because I have assigned the perception of others the power to define me and thus feel conflicted because I do not want to be defined like I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another chooses to believe their perception of something over the actual reality it is their loss and not a choice I can make for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I was not listened to within a conversation, to get frustrated with the other person(s), thinking “why are you such idiots?”, “why won't you listen?”, “hello, I'm right here!”, “what's wrong with you?”, “come ON, just speak to me!” - as I have not seen, realized and understood that the choices of others are theirs to make and that I cannot make another reply, becoming frustrated as I have taken this failure in communication personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to the lack of response from others, assuming others to judge me and talk shit about me behind my back if they do not respond, thus trying even harder to get them to respond as an attempt to stop the judgement and bad-mouthing, and getting frustrated when I fail as I see my attempts to stop the habits of others to not be working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get desperate when others have ignored my attempt to face them in honesty as I have feared the judgement they appear likely to pass on me as I have taken the risk to speak straightforwardly about what's actually going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of it as a “risk” to address what's actually going on because I have seen how few ever seize that opportunity and how many choose to ignore it and what the consequences are to me (judgement, loss).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when others choose to ignore a window of opportunity.

Alright, bringing this back to the original topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear solving misunderstandings in conversation and other communication because I have feared that the response will be rejection or “silent rejection” through shown or covered judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another's decline to solve a misunderstanding because I fear their perception, opinion and evaluation of me and that the decline indicates that I am seen as “less” than I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to another's perception/opinion of me because others have been my only source of acceptance for all of my life so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others by believing the perception/opinion others appear to have of me, not standing within and as myself in self-certainty here in the physical where there is no doubt of who I am but only looking at reflections of myself within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another ignores the opportunity to solve a misunderstanding and feel disappointed, and based on this create a resistance to even try to solve misunderstandings because I fear the reaction of the other will be negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it upon myself when an attempt to solve a misunderstanding fails, not realizing that within interaction there are multiple participants and that each participant carries an equal responsibility over the interaction – not just me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to try and solve a misunderstanding when and as I see the possibility that there is a misunderstanding, because I as the one who notices am responsible, and that my best attempt to solve a misunderstanding is to carry my responsibility no matter how the other responds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another will not try to solve the misunderstanding with me but instead ignores, belittles or judges the opportunity, this is their choice which I cannot make for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is important to walk through these situations where “nothing appears to change” because they might have an effect on the other's process in ways invisible to me, and also because within them I practice assertiveness, self-honest communication and self-leadership.

I commit myself to do my best within communication to be understood as I see, realize and understand this to be the purpose of all communication, and I commit myself to do this by:

• being clear/self-honest on what I mean with the words I use
• being sensitive to others to see if there is understanding
• when noticing a possible misunderstanding, addressing it and clarifying myself when/if necessary

I commit myself to not let misunderstandings slip by by facing my fear, realizing it is not valid and pushing through by opening my mouth and speaking even if unplanned.

When and as I notice a misunderstanding and think “oh well, maybe they got my point” - I stop, I breathe and I realize I am using this belief that people understand each other without direct communication as a justification to avoid the possible conflict that may come from attempting to solve a misunderstanding. I realize this belief to be bollocks. I realize that if others were to react negatively to my attempt to directly address what's going on, it would be nothing personal towards me but others choosing to ignore a window of opportunity. I then proceed to solve the misunderstanding according to the situation – mainly by asking if there was a misunderstanding or not and clarifying myself when necessary.

I commit myself to keep myself grounded within my physical in self-certainty when communicating with others by stabilizing myself in slow and steady breath, sensing my entire body from head to toe and being aware of my centre of gravity – thus living as a physical expression of self-acceptance.

Day 197: Believing judgement – a link to my mother

06042013

Alright. There is a mother point I have been looking at today, which I have remembered while sewing. I associate sewing very much with my mother because she taught me to sew when I asked her to in the age of 15. She is a seamstress by earlier profession and I find it very valuable that she has passed on her skill and knowledge to me (or at least some of it). Most of my time sewing has been spent with her under her guidance and supervision.

I remembered today how she, while teaching me in my teens, sometimes used to snap at me if I made a mistake while sewing. I for instance made a mistake cutting the fabric and she would react to it with displeasure (“harmi” in finnish), with a sharp and amplified voice – I can't remember the exact words she used but I remember the tone because she still uses it occasionally.

I realize she never did this to attack me or blame me, but was simply expressing her displeasure (“harmi”) towards the situation in which she would have to work extra to fix my mistake. She is/was impulsive in her behavior and expression and did not consider how I would as a child see her reaction.

The earliest memory I have of her doing this (reacting to my mistakes) is from when I was around 5-6 years old. She was teaching me how to bake and showing me how to break eggs. I had never broken an egg before and so I dropped some of the egg shells into the batter, and she reacted to this by showing her displeasure with sharp, loud words (maybe saying “no” or “not like that” or something) – and I instantly took this personally as if she was blaming me and telling me I was bad, and I ran off crying. She later comforted me and I calmed down, but I now see what actually happened wasn't really dealt with.

Now, this has been my reaction always, also when she taught me to sew as a teenager; only then I did not burst into tears but suppressed my self-blame (“she is blaming me” - “I'm not doing well” - “I'm bad at this”) and I started talking back at her. My response to my mother exerting her emotions on me has been to counter-attack – and this pattern repeats in other instances of receiving feedback as well. Right now as I think of it I can draw up many memories from for example theatre and and restaurant work where I have refused to take feedback but instead started talking back, making excuses and explanations and casting responsibility on others. So the rebellion is a survival mechanism with which I avoid facing my self-blame but instead blame others for being “wrong”.

I now see that this pattern has been created upon the misunderstanding of a child. As a 5-year-old I was simply unable to comprehend (due to undeveloped cognition) that my mother's reaction was not caused by me and that her blame was not directed to me but to herself. So I have carried this misunderstanding onto the rest of my life where I have believed that if another judges me (or I perceive another to judge me) I must have made a mistake; if another reacts I am to blame.

Fascinating. I am now glad to have this realization written down, and I commit myself to expand on it in later writings.