Day 393: Building trust in relationships

12032014

http://www.thadguy.com

I've noticed that a person I've been getting to know lately has a tendency of turning serious when something controversial is being discussed, this possibly being a defense mechanism of sorts. Knowing a bit about this person's past I can make approximate guesses of why this is (possibly a fear of conflict / a tension in social situations when there's a risk of disagreement), but I realize that instead of guessing around and mulling it over in my mind it's more relevant for me to practically support this person to see and possibly outgrow this tendency – a process through which I might also learn to better understand this person and the human mind in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to X turning serious in conversation, as I have misinterpreted his seriousness to mean that he disapproves of me when in fact I have nothing to do with him reacting to his own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret X's reactions to be “my fault” - that I am the cause of another's reactions – thus following the mind pattern of self-blame and self-belittlement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though I can reflect myself from how others react in my presence or under my influence, their reactions are still accepted and allowed by themselves and not by me under any circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that people themselves are “gatekeepers” of sorts to their own behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that carrying self-responsibility also means to not carry responsibility that is not mine, as I would be denying another a chance to learn and grow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what would best support the other person is not me reacting with possibly the exact same emotions he is experiencing (insecurity, fear of rejection, uncertainty, tension), but me creating a safe environment for discussing anything at all by remaining stable regardless of the topic.

• I commit myself to build myself into a stable support for others by walking through any reactions that occur in me within interaction and transcending them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X becoming serious within discussion because I have been afraid that he will choose to not like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked by X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that human relations do not have to be based on likes and dislikes – whims and moods – but on an agreement of mutual support, which creates a foundation for building solid trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of not being liked / desire to be liked comes from the fact that I base my relationships on moods and momentary preferences instead of building them on a common goal to support each other however we best can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my distrust towards people (fear of being abandoned/rejected) comes from the fact that I have become used to relationships being based on moods, whims and preferences and thus anticipate the moment when I assumedly will be ditched again as I fall out of another's favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am in fact living within a thought and behavioral pattern where, once a core relationship (one that fulfills some primary need) fails its purpose in some way, I immediately start looking for a replacement relationship (to fulfill the need) – thus always looking for salvation from outside of me without ever addressing the need itself.

• While observing myself for a few days I have noticed thoughts where I justify replacing one person with another with a selection of excuses (some valid, some not) – and then reversing it again when the second person has not fulfilled my desires. While thinking these thoughts I seem to justify having exclusive relationships, and I do it through some form of spite, as if I was blaming another for my discomfort/lack/need. Here, again, I ignore the source of the problem itself: the need that makes me restless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to build my relationships into safe and stable places for people (myself included) to face and direct themselves in, I need to focus on (self-)forgiveness and mercy - living out an example of letting go of self-diminishment, self-rejection and self-hate.

I commit myself to investigate if and how I manifest self-hate, self-rejection and self-diminishment when I interact with other people, and I commit myself to write about these points in order to better support others as well.

I commit myself to investigate and write about the pattern to replace core relationships with others as soon as they appear to “fail” or “malfunction”.

I commit myself to investigate my primary reason for desiring close relationships by returning to the EQAFE interviews on relationships and sex.

Days 374-375: A neurotic bitch: fixing others' mistakes in secret

05-07012014

My partner pointed out a behavioral pattern of mine that I had not paid attention to before, and as I was processing it I also noticed that I do it at my workplace. It's when I notice somebody making a mistake or doing something “wrong” from my perspective, and instead of directly talking about it with the person I try to quietly correct it on my own. When me and my partner were discussing this I said that the reason I do this is because “I don't want to be bitchy”. So basically I realize that “my way” of doing things might as well be wrong, and so I don't want people to believe that I'd believe my viewpoint to be the only right option (arrogance). I realize that this pattern is for me to avoid conflict and uphold an equilibrium of sorts, which of course doesn't work because mostly people notice that I'm correcting the stuff they did “wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out my opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that speaking out my opinion might be seen as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will react to me speaking out my opinion and giving feedback even though my intention is not to mock but to organize things in the most beneficial way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my perspective on how things could be organized in the best way possible, thus being afraid of bringing my viewpoint into discussion so that we could all together come up with a solution to how things should be organized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will criticize me for bringing up points where others could improve or change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a backlash of blame and resentment from people when and as I bring my perspective into discussion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with dissatisfaction, irritation and worry when and as I see that something has been done in a way that I perceive to not be best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give feedback to others from within the dissatisfaction, irritation and worry, thus actually attacking others by superimposing my viewpoint and thus giving others an incentive to counter-react with defensive behavior, such as blaming me and thinking of me as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear of others attacking me when I give feedback, by giving feedback from an unclear starting point, basically blaming others for my discomfort, and thus creating situations where others attack me to defend themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear myself.

I see X -> I perceive X to be “wrong” -> I react to X and want to fix it -> I look for the cause for X -> I choose a target (Y) and believe them to be the cause for X -> I believe Y to be the cause of my reaction, not realizing that the cause for my reaction is ME and not Y even though the cause for X is Y.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my way of doing things is the right way of doing things, not realizing that even though I have carefully assessed all the perspectives I have recognized, there may be viewpoints that I have not realized to take into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the actual solutions for how things can be done in a way that is the best for all can only be achieved through a discourse between all participants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to find actual solutions I need to discuss the issues with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fix things “my way” without notifying others, thus hoping that nobody would notice that I am behaving “neurotic” and “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to solve things by thinking that I am “neurotic” and “bitchy”, not realizing that the issue is NOT my will to implement solutions but the fact that I do not discuss this with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving others feedback as I have feared that they will take it personally and believe their reaction to be my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if others would blame me for their reaction to my feedback, it doesn't make my feedback invalid - quite the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the reactions of others as they are – manifestations of who they are at the moment – and that I have instead taken them personally and defined myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the solution to my habit of reacting to others' mistakes is to fix things in secret. (When I put it that way I'm starting to see how ridiculous this is, lol. Ingredients for a comedy film!)

I commit myself to no longer fix others' mistakes “in secret” by not addressing the mistake in any way and hoping no one will notice.

When and as I perceive someone to be making a mistake, I stop, I breathe and I check myself for any and all reactions. I remind myself that I am reacting to something I have labeled as “wrong” - something that I do not want in my reality – and that by rejecting a part of this reality I incapacitate myself from acting within it. I remind myself that my conception of “right” and “wrong” (what is best for all) might be flawed and that the only way to expand my conception is to discuss it with others.

Thus, I commit myself to bring up the mistake in discussion with the people involved to reach a shared understanding on what the best course of action would be.

• For further support, some phrases I can start the discussion with: “I see you're [doing X]. How did you learn to do it like this? Have you considered [perspective Y]?”

Day 351: What is friendship?

15112013

I had a discussion with a friend and I was left restless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent of another being and thus fear losing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I fear losing is not the person itself but what she represents to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that only one person can ever be whatever it is she represents to me and that if I lose her I lose what she represents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, through our shared history and my experiences with and of this person, to paint an icon within my mind with her shape, representing integrity, intelligence, good will, purity and commitment – the “back bone” I've never perceived myself to have – and to create a relationship to that icon where I “lack” what the icon represents and where I “need” the icon to have a “back bone” in my life – and as this icon is based on my interpretation of a real, living person, to want this person to be in my life / fear not having this person in my life because I believe and perceive that without her I am unable to have those good qualities she represents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am “unable” to have integrity, intelligence, good will, purity and commitment in myself because building and growing these qualities is hard work, thus giving up and making myself helpless because I have relied on others to “fill in the gaps” where I choose to believe I am “not good enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gather the kind of people around me who have what I lack, not utilizing that chance to learn from them and develop new traits, but instead abusing their company by expecting them to “cover for me” where I am unwilling to develop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a long-time friend because to me my relationship with her represents commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork – the kind of a relationship I would prefer to have with others as well, but haven't yet had that many chances to practice in long-term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing this friendship because losing it would tell me that nothing lasts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that this friendship would last so that the illusion of permanence would remain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the fact that everything is temporary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within this physical life I am the only permanent factor – the “eye” of the storm – and that everything around me (and within me!) is in constant flux, as if spinning in a tornado.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for stability from outside of myself, not realizing that if I hold onto something spinning within that tornado (all the components of life) I will fall from balance – the eye of the storm – and that the only sustainable way to balance myself is to find balance within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork are NOT dependent on the individuals I interact with but on WHO I AM within interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust that when and as WHO I AM is in accordance with commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork, I will create these qualities no matter who I interact with, and that I will thus never lack these qualities in my living as long as I incorporate them into my structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a few relationships to sustain commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork in my life, not looking for ways to learn how to sustain them by myself within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my words will insult another, which would result in me “losing” her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might “lose” my friend by saying something she will react to in such a way where she will decide to keep a “safe” distance to me to avoid further unpleasant reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my friend will use her reactions to my words to paint an image of me in her mind (a classification, stereotype, “this is who she is”) which would limit her in my presence and/or create a resentment towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed by the possibility that my friend will become alienated because it would be based on an unfair judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being misinterpreted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being denied access to life's resources (here: friendship) because of who others perceive and believe me to be, as this is how the world of relationships mainly functions at the moment: access granted or denied based on who one is believed to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust the fact that the (only?) way to correct those who have decided to see me through a certain filter is to live as who I am and show who I am through my living, my words, movements and actions – and that even then others might choose to not see, which I cannot affect as I cannot enter and move another being, but only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my words might have been chosen poorly, not realizing that if I would have stopped to re-write my experience from the starting point of not wanting to aggravate the other, my actions would have been manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider limiting my self-expression because I fear that the other would blame her reactions to “my” words onto me. (The words aren't really mine, even though the intent I use them with is; a symbol is just a symbol and can be interpreted in many ways.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though the careful placement of words (directing and manipulating the other's assumed reactions) might be necessary in some situations – such as when playing the political game this world is immersed in - I do not want to build my friendships (or any relationships!) into such places where I'd need to be constantly walking through a mine field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear building my friendships into places of unsuppressed self-expression by expressing myself unsuppressed within them, because I have feared that others will react negatively to this unconventionality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I act out of fear (choose my words so that the other will not react negatively) I will create fear (by upholding a relationship that is based on comfort instead of actual support).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that telling the other what they want to hear is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that downplaying another's flaws is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that giving praise on another's strengths is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that agreeing with another because I fear disagreement (conflict / possibility of loss) is NOT supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that avoiding conflict is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that actual support is based on helping each other to grow towards our full potential, and that actual support is NOT pleasant and comfortable but is in fact difficult, challenging and, mostly, full of conflict and disagreement which needs to be constantly processed and sorted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when a friendship gets to the point where supporting each other gets very challenging, not realizing that I (as we both) have all the tools, capacity and the will to agree on how and why we support each other, and that my fear of loss is just me lifting my hands in the air and saying “I can't do it! Too much! It's gonna crash!” and succumbing to helplessness when in fact I am not helpless to direct the situation – as if I was driving a car, seeing a tree some miles up the road, lifting my hands from the wheel and saying “No use, it's gonna hit anyway!”, when I could in fact just place my hands on the wheel and direct the car to not hit the tree. lol

I commit myself to explore what I find respectable, admirable and praiseworthy in my friend to see what I could develop in myself.

I commit myself to note and write down the qualities that I find respectable, admirable and praiseworthy in others and to reflect them upon myself to see how I could develop in these qualities.

I commit myself to explore how to build relationships from the very first moment and every moment from then onwards based on self-expression, commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork.

I commit myself to re-assess my current relationships to see if they are in fact based on self-expression, commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork, and I commit myself to find ways to introduce the qualities that are missing into each relationship through my own application, not by demanding others to do shit.

I commit myself to support and assist myself with the commitment above with writing.

I commit myself to work on releasing my fears, so that when I give support to others it would not be an act of fear but an act of simply being.

Day 309: Using “time” as an excuse not to face things

05092013

Continuing with a realization from yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse not to face things I have a resentment towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that “not having time” is the real reason I “cannot” do the things I resent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about the resentment I feel and believe it to be justified to escape the things I resent because I “don't have time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I am asked to do something I resent, to react to my resentment by saying “I don't have time”, refusing to have anything to do with it, expecting people to believe my excuse and to leave me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent a request to arrange a meeting to a group because I assume this group to not have any substance in their meetings – which I do not actually know as I have never been present – using “not having time” as an excuse with which to escape the situation and avoid voicing my disagreement about the group.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse to escape a situation I fear will turn into conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent a request to meet a person because I assume this person to want to see me out of addiction/dependency, thus using “not having time” as an excuse to escape having to communicate my doubts about this person's behavior to the person directly.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse not to communicate in self-honesty because I fear it will lead to conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent a request to arrange an event when at a meeting because I did not expect to be handed tasks and responsibilities when I went to the meeting – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to be in the organizing committee even though I knew I cannot take any more tasks or responsibilities due to my studies, as I did not want to tell the group directly that there's something more important to me at the moment and rather came up with a “back gate”, a plan B where I can later tell them indirectly that I can no longer participate because “I don't have time”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that “not having time” is a valid reason to drop out of projects mid-way and trust that others will thus not hold a grudge against me – that I will through this avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent attending any events organized by a group because I perceive the events to be based on escapism and entertainment, thus feeling relieved when I have a solid excuse not to participate (“I don't have time” because of studying) because with this excuse I can avoid voicing my point of view which I fear will trigger conflict.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait around for an excuse which will “save me” from doing things I don't want to do as I have not wanted to communicate directly and face the conflict that it might possibly arouse.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to direct myself and my life by living in a compromise until something/someone comes up to “save me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resentment towards chatting online with a person who is asking for my help because I have felt like chatting with him is wearing me out, as if I was carrying the mantle of “authority” or an “educator” during our discussions and thus draining myself by upholding a “higher” position, therefore reacting to his attempts to contact me by thinking “not again”, “I don't have time for this” and sometimes ignoring his attempts.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make these discussions tiring for myself by not wanting to explain myself many times (refining and simplifying my words time after time so that the other would understand) as I have believed and perceived that my effort is in vain as our discussions “lead nowhere” and that the other is “not getting it”, not realizing that I do not see the actual process he is going through and thus cannot really make an assessment of whether he is “getting it” or not – and that through this process of explaining, refining and simplifying – which requires great effort from me – I am actually learning A LOT precisely because it is painful, uncomfortable and requires me to push over and over again.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent discussing with this person because it requires me to step out of my comfort zone and to justify avoiding this person by thinking “I don't have time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse to avoid facing conflict and stepping out of my comfort zone.

When and as I see myself using the phrase “I don't have time for X” I stop, I breathe and I ask myself if this is really true – if in fact my schedule is full - or if I am just saying this to avoid doing something. I ask myself: why do I not want to do X? I investigate the point (in writing if necessary) and I release it with self-forgiveness and breathing. I then proceed within and as the realization that only by stepping out of my comfort zone and going towards that which I resent I expand myself and my reality.

I commit myself to investigate my fear of conflict and how it links to practical application (or the lack of it).

As I see, realize and understand that time alone is not a real reason to do or not to do things – because schedules can always be rearranged as they are not “set in stone” but created in our conceptual realities – I commit myself to no longer use and present “not having time” as a reason for doing/not doing things but to seek for the real reason why I will/won't rearrange my schedule for something/someone and to communicate this actual reason to the ones involved.

To support the commitment above, I commit myself to communicate my actual reason for “not having time” even when/as/if I am not specifically asked for a reason, as I see, realize and understand that people have a tendency to assume a reason and to believe their assumption in complete silence – which, if not actively corrected right away, may have consequences in the long run. In other words: I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to use this “silent agreement” to avoid communicating the things I fear voicing.

Day 293: Bartending

18082013

I have returned to Finland from my travels and pretty much directly I also returned to work. I started working in a new bar as a bartender, which is a job I will do part-time while I study to support my living. This is the first time ever I am working only in a bar and not with food or dining in any way whatsoever, as my previous jobs have always contained serving tables and food in one way or another. This has brought up some challenges I already faced last winter when working in a bar and I went through them today.

I faced interesting moments at work one night when I had two conflict situations. I had just the previous day watched a colleague deal with troublesome customers in an aggressive way and I had thought about the whole thing with being aggressive and defensive in situations like that. I asked myself: do I want to be like that? Do I want to be all angry and nasty and yelling and pointing-to-the-door? So the next day when I faced conflict I decided that I would first try to sort it out without exerting my power, making myself a big authority or being unkind to the other, and only when it would fail I would use force.

In the first situation I had to tell a man he was too drunk and that I would no longer serve him alcohol. I approached him by telling him he had probably had one too many today and that it would be best if he went home. I then offered him a glass of water instead of the pint of beer he asked for, because I knew the water would help him sober up and get home. He accepted my offer, thanked me for it, drank the water and left without causing any trouble. So this act of kindness and care for another got me through the situation with no conflict and the guy getting what he actually needed. Quite often the protocol in these situations is to say “get out, now” and then get the bouncer to kick them out shit-faced and verbally abused onto the streets.

In the second situation a man came to the counter yelling to my co-worker about his drink having been stolen from his table while he was in the bathroom. I remembered visiting the table just moments ago and collecting an empty glass from it. I thought that in order to survive the conflict I could just lie and tell the guy I had not seen his glass. Instead I decided to tell him what had actually happened and what I had observed. He kept yelling a couple of meters away as I was talking to him while doing the dishes with my co-worker standing in between us. I realized that this is no way to communicate and I stepped in front of him, looked him in the eye and told him firmly that I had taken an empty glass from the table, not a full one, and that it was very likely that his friend had finished his drink and then ran off. I told him the truth as I saw it to be in self-honesty. Surprisingly, the man calmed down. The ripples of the aggressive energy were still dripping from him but with every word he spoke from then on the energy faded, and he ordered a new drink and ripple by ripple he apologized for his behavior. I found this very interesting. I had expected him to hold on to his point of view that asshole bartenders try to trick people into buying more alcohol, but instead he let go of his anger and moved on.

These experiences show me that being the nice kind of a bartender instead of the asshole one is indeed worth trying and investigating!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that being a bartender requires me to be unkind, inconsiderate, pessimistic, angry, bored – in other words, an asshole – because these are the kinds of bartenders I have seen and admired, not realizing that the reason I admired them were not these qualities but the way these people didn't take bullshit, which is a quality I lacked (and still do to some extent).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in order to be “ballsy” enough to be a bartender I need to have a negative attitude towards my job and towards the customers.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to be a good enough bartender by attempting to portray in my own behavior how my bartending mentors appeared to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that bartending does not in fact require me to be negative about everything and that this is a misconception I have pieced together by observing every bartender I have ever seen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what bartending does require of me is an understanding of my responsibilities (handling and distributing legalized poison and making sure everyone under my supervision stays within the boundaries that have been defined as “healthy” or “not fatal”) and a decision to carry out my responsibilities – and that the “ballsyness” comes out of the firm, unwavering stance within this decision and understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the firmness of a bartender's decision/commitment/responsibility is often misunderstood to be personal towards the customer who is denied access to alcohol, which creates the stereotype of the “asshole bartender” as customers believe bartenders to be assholes even when they don't mean to and as bartenders become assholes because (they believe) it is expected of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that while I tend the bar I do not have to turn into an asshole to survive the situation but that I can in fact remain as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will not survive bartending because of the verbal, physical and mental attacks bartenders sometimes have to deal with when and as customers exert their frustration on them, not realizing that these attacks are nothing personal towards me but an expression of who the other one is (which is often a person addicted to alcohol for whatever reason).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the people who snap at bartenders are most likely driven and possessed by their “addiction demons” and are not in control of themselves, and that their actions are thus not a manifestation of their full potential but of the things keeping them from attaining their potential – and that I should not then treat them with disdain, anger or fear but with compassion and care however they are best executed (sometimes telling a person to leave might be an act of love).

I commit myself to challenge myself to drop the tough guy act when and as I work in the bar and to instead try to remain kind, compassionate and caring.

I commit myself to carry my responsibility as a person assigned to handle, distribute and regulate alcohol.

I commit myself to slow myself down in breathing whenever I get a break while working in the bar, as I see, realize and understand that because the work is fast-paced it is easy for me to lose touch with myself in the physical.

I commit myself to engage in eye contact not only with the customers (which is easy because they are right in front of me) but also with the other workers even when it's busy and we communicate mainly by voice and touch because I have seen, realized and understood how this lack of eye contact with my fellow workers contributes to my tough guy act.

Days 253-254: I don't want to go home

10-11062013

A friend told me she is returning to Finland to continue studying the same subject I have applied to study myself. I reacted to this information with relief and joy, which is because recently as I have been traveling I have become more and more uncertain about what to do with my life and have created a reluctance to return to Finland at all. I found comfort in the fact that she would be there with me because then I would feel less lonely, less alone, less of a “lonely warrior” when my life takes on a new direction – or when I am supposed to take a new direction – when I am to change my life into something it has not been before.

See, I have created a reluctance to return to my home town and region not because of the place itself – the town is nice to live, work and study in – but because of the life I have lived within it. I fear that as soon as I return my “old life” will suck me back in because of all the habits and tendencies that I associate with the physical location and everything that I have lived through within it in the past. I fear that I will regress. I fear that my environment will not support me in my process of change. I fear that my environment will make change more difficult than it already is. But here I make changing like a big demon that I have to battle, I make it more than it is. There is bound to be friction because when there is a harmonious flow of particles and one particle suddenly decides to change its course it will conflict with the other particles – but that is just what it is, movement and inevitabilities, and it should not be interpreted to be anything else. If I change, I change, and it will require being certain of who I am as I change, what I am changing and who I become as I change. Not by enforcing a mantra of ideals but by knowing myself and living according to who I choose to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change because I fear standing utterly alone with my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist returning to an environment which I believe, perceive and assume to not support me in any way in my process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my environment will resist and suffocate my attempt to change the direction of my life and that I will be helpless in front of this resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to be unable to stand within and as my decisions in the face of external pressure or resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when/as/if I get into conflict with my environment – when there is friction in between how I have decided to direct my life and how my environment responds to it – I will be left without support and will thus crumble like a cookie.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if my environment does not support me I cannot stand, not realizing that with this belief I demand that my environment gives me support and make my own standing dependent on how my environment sees me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as my decisions only when certain conditions are met (when my environment shows me enough support), not realizing that by doing so I live as less than I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my fundamental support – myself – is not going anywhere and will always “be there for me” even if I received no external support i.e. from other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, within my fear of failure, to create a worst-case scenario where I give into peer pressure and screw up my life completely, making all of my process so far meaningless as I regress through my self-limitation to who I was in the past – not realizing that by creating and upholding such a scenario in the first place I believe myself to be just as “weak” as the scenario implies and will support myself to live out this exact “weak personality”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to be “weak” (unable to direct myself / easily directed by others) because I have lived like this in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify living as this “weak personality” by blaming my inability to change the direction of my life on my environment, accusing my environment of suppressing me and not giving me permission to live my life how I choose to - not realizing that no matter the amount of external pressure I am always the one to accept and allow my inner experience to be influenced and my movement to be directed by external factors, and that the responsibility for my self-compromise thus cannot be pushed on anyone else but is in fact mine to carry.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going back home because I fear it will be difficult and that I will fail to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hardship is an inevitable part of the process of change and that it is not required to be feared – it will be there whether I fear it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent, avoid and fear hardship as I have not wanted to recognize it to be a part of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hardship because it contains the possibility of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that just as every breath I take requires my muscles to move and go through effort, so does living one's life require consistent effort, pushing and active movement – otherwise one will end up standing still.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear adversity because I fear that I will fail to overcome it, not realizing that there is no way to perfectly “win” the battle with the challenges I face but simply different ways to deal with them, each with their own results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to find a way to deal with the challenges I face – one that would not compromise me or anyone and which would take into consideration the consequences of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my ability to figure out what choice of action would consider the best of all (myself included).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I do not trust myself to make good decisions I require others to validate my decisions for me to make up for my lack of self-trust and thus make it easier for myself to crumble and not live according to my decisions when others do not give me the validation I believe myself to need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my life by not trusting myself to be able to make well-informed, considerate and responsible decisions.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mind-scenario where change is a big, dramatic battle with opposing forces that try to destroy me with all their might, believing and perceiving myself to be doing the “right thing” and the opposers to be promoting the “wrong thing” - not realizing that change is only dramatic if I compare it to the passiveness that precedes and surrounds it, and that without the act of comparison change is just movement among movement, life among life, breath among breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that change is not about big, movie-like storylines but about individual moments of breath where change is created through stopping, re-assessing, re-directing and setting off to motion again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the change that happens HERE in the moment of breath by only focusing on the dramatic scenario of “big changes”, not realizing that the drama exists only in my mind and not in the actual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that change is “big” when in fact it is actually “small” - not a series of movie-like events but single moments of breath in self-awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change as I have believed and perceived it to be something “big” where one can also fail in a grand scale – not realizing that change is not something bigger than me or beyond me but that change IS me as in every moment I inhale and exhale I have a new chance, a new beginning, a new option, a chance to clear the table and choose again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that change is nothing to be afraid of because even if I'd fail I can always try again or choose another direction.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear severing ties to people, groups and activities which I no longer wish to keep a part of my life because I fear that if my choice to do so proves to have been a bad choice I would not have the chance to go back – not realizing that my wish to keep that back gate open, that path to what used to be familiar and comfortable, is born out of the fear of failing and ending up alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that when I choose to leave these people, groups and activities behind me, it will be seen as a hostile act which would then awake negative reactions in others which would then be exerted onto me – not realizing that this is NOT an accurate forecast of what the future will be but is actually the worst-case scenario I have created in my mind based on my fears through guesswork – and that this worst-case scenario can be avoided through how I apply myself within the process of severing these ties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear re-arranging my priorities and the practical changes they would introduce to my life because I fear the society I live in will not support me in this choice of lifestyle. [These are mainly practical issues that for now I have to wait to solve – I'll get back to this when the issue is here.]

I commit myself to face the response of the environment I change myself in, be it familiar or not, within and as the realization that I do not know in advance what the response of my environment will be and that this is in no way relevant to my decision and standing.

I commit myself to remind myself in the case of conflict that the reactions of my environment are not caused by me and not my responsibility; In situations of conflict I commit myself to take care of and carry responsibility for my own reactions, the experience that I create, uphold and believe in.

I commit myself to focus on the change that happens HERE in the moment of breath within and as the realization that these moments are the ones that accumulate to the “big” changes that I aim for in my life – and I commit myself to support and assist myself with this by practicing self-aware breathing whenever I remember to.

Day 235: Get away from me!

16052013

An interesting experience has risen up and I need to now write it out. It is something that has occurred in me in some previous relationships, but my situation now isn't like those, so I can get a fresh perspective on this.

I am traveling in South-Korea, and I am currently staying at the apartment of a person who I connected with at Coucsurfing. I am quite far from the centre of Seoul at a suburban area. He is being very kind to me, and his willingness to “give” his time, effort, money and resources is starting to overwhelm me.

At least in two previous romantic relationships I have gotten this huge overwhelming anxiety and just wanted to escape, and usually I did one way or another. They have been relationships where I have seen that the other is more “into it” than I am – meaning that the other has been more committed to and more invested in the relationship and more eager to spend time with it intensively and even lose themselves in it – whereas I have not really been there, I have not really been interested in the other person, I have not wanted to meet them that often, something in just being with them has made me feel like I'm in the wrong place. I have seen that we are there for different reasons, or that we are “out of sync” - and I have compromised myself in their presence because I have been unable to communicate this, and thus I have rather escaped the person by for example breaking off the relationship.

Alright, yes, that's the problem. In this situation with this host of mine I firstly feel like I am “at his mercy” because I am far away from subway lines and because we came here by car – but here I do not realize that he has told me where all the bus stops are and how I can get to the centre by bus. So this is clearly a misconception. Secondly, I am worried that the fact that he paid for our groceries and is giving me so much of his possessions “means” that he is expecting something from me – the worst-case scenario being sex – when I do not see the fact that he lives alone and is very lonely and is most likely simply happy to have some company. And my company I am happy to share – I've just got to make sure I communicate myself clearly and honestly and take care of my “personal space”, that I don't give my time any more than I actually can. The self-compromise is an issue here.

So, the issue seems to be with not wanting to address another's starting point for his actions because I fear conflict. And as I avoid discussing this I get stuck and compromise myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get stuck in an unknown place, lost and alone, and that no one will help me or understand me – not realizing that I am in the middle of a densely populated area where there is bound to be someone who would/could help me if I asked for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to survive in case my worst-case scenarios come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build worst-case scenarios “just in case” in order to ensure my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see another person through fear and believe the perception I create through fear, not realizing that looking at things through fear distorts things to appear according to my fears – which is not the equivalent of what is actually here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive the hospitality and generosity of another to be an act of desperation and fear, not realizing that if there is desperation and fear in the other's starting point this may be addressed, and that this starting point still doesn't remove the fact that he is being of tremendous help to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and to feel guilty for not being grateful of another's hospitality when I actually have expressed my gratitude, both in words and deeds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about another's willingness to spend time with me as I have perceived him to be acting out of desperation and fear, feeling uncomfortable in his presence as I have felt like my personal space or needs are “not considered” - not realizing that I am the one who has to consider myself and that thus I need to express my needs and claim the space that I require – and that this is not “rude” or “impolite” but an act of taking care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another will react negatively if I claim my personal space / act according to my needs because I am used to taking it personally if another reacts, and that I have thus avoided claiming my personal space and instead waited around for it to be “given” to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reactions of another are not my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about another suggesting common activities for my remaining travel time, wanting to “decide for myself” and “make plans by myself” - not realizing that I am anxious and feel limited because I perceive the other to have “power over me” because of my unwillingness to be “impolite” and refuse his offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically refuse the suggestion of another because I have created an image of the other as “desperate” and believed this suggestion as well to be “desperate” and “clingy” instead of looking at what the suggestion would actually entail and whether it might actually be something I'd like to do – yet also keeping in mind that if the starting point of the other is fear I am responsible to not participate in order to not support his mind-fucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe myself to be “helpless” in front of people who get really excited about spending time with me as I have believed and perceived that I “have to” spend time with them because it makes them so happy – not realizing that I am doing the other a disservice by not questioning their self-consuming actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be OK with my host's generosity because I come from a culture of a different kind of expressing hospitality than this one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fully opening myself in my host's presence because I have feared that this will be misunderstood as “romantic interest” as it often has been, as it is not common for people to be open with each other and face each other without fear and thus those who are fearless are often clung onto because they “shine” in the middle of everyone else – not realizing that misunderstandings can be solved by addressing them immediately when they occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking my host directly in the eye because I have feared that this fearlessness will be misinterpreted as “romantic interest”.

I commit myself to have my well-being as a priority as I see, realize and understand that I am responsible of myself only – not of other fully adult human beings.

I commit myself to trust myself to be able to find a way to survive as I see, realize and understand that I am surrounded by beings just like me on a planet that is of the one and same matter no matter where I go.

When and as I face a conflict with another person, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that this being is one with and equal to me – that we are the one and same – and I place myself “in the shoes” of the other. I see myself in the other and ask myself what it is I need. I place the other within myself and ask myself what I am not accepting. I then find a solution based on this self-honest assessment.

I commit myself to push through my fear of being open with another by breathing and relaxing my body and physically opening myself up within and as the realization that if there are misunderstandings they can be solved.

I commit myself to not accept and allow signs of misunderstandings to slip by and to address them immediately when they occur in order to not accumulate misunderstandings even further.

I commit myself to reconsider my host's suggestions without fear and prejudice.

Days 210-211: Misunderstandings

20-21042013

As I have now been studying for my entrance exams I have been thinking about different studying techniques, and today I came across I memory from my teen years. When I was in junior high school (age 12-15) I had a friend who did very well in school. She once shared with us some of her methods for studying, which were i.e. reading the most relevant information right before going to bed so that it would have time to “brew” at the “back of her head”; and also keeping her school books next to her bed so that if she happened to wake up in the middle of the night she could read something from the book and then go back to sleep. I remember myself being overwhelmed by this as I could not conceive why anyone would want to study so much – my motivation to study was not that high – and I thought she was “odd” and “crazy” to study at times which I considered to be reserved for resting and when I would rather just read comics or prose. I remember myself and some other girls in the same group voicing this opinion of her being “odd” for doing such things – I did not mean ay harm by it, but was simply expressing my bewilderment.

So I realized how she might have actually interpreted this expression wrong. I realized that as I called her “odd” and “crazy” she might have taken this as a malicious act and experienced herself to have been teased, bullied and/or belittled by me/us. I then realized that some of my experiences of being bullied may have been similar misunderstandings, where I take the self-expression of another personally as it is not directly communicated that “I am now expressing my overwhelmedness”, lol, there are not many children who know how to do that.

As I was writing out the memory I also realized that I am not sure how my self-expression affected the expression and opinion of others. Within that group of friends my expression was quite powerful and unlimited – I had friends whom I could relax with and I was testing out different levels of dominance as my friends were somewhat submissive themselves. So when I expressed my overwhelmedness I remember the group being supportive of what I said – that she was “odd” and “crazy” - but I just now realized that I may have overridden people who were easy to influence with my opinions, causing them to agree with me as I was in an authoritative position because of my dominant expression. Which means that I just now realized what my responsibility was within that situation. This dominance that the group accepted and allowed me to uphold and execute was one of the things that led to the group breaking up later on, as the others started to resent my self-expression and later on excluded me from the group.

So what I'm seeing here is that a lot of my experiences with bullying may have been similar incidents where spite was suppressed and accumulated as I took things personally when they were not meant as such, and that I myself may have caused many similar situations as I have not realized my responsibility to be clear on my communication. This may be occurring even now as I'm becoming more honest and straightforward in my words yet not taking into consideration that my responsibility is to communicate myself as clearly as possible to avoid misunderstandings. Simply voicing my starting point – that I do not mean any harm but am instead communicating from this and this perspective – would be a great start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another's self-expression personally as I have misinterpreted their words, tone and gestures to be a direct judgement of who I am, not seeing that it may simply be their self-expression of their experience which I do not fully grasp i.e. because of faults in communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the effects my self-expression as words, tone and gestures has on others when unclearly communicated and to not realize my responsibility within interaction to do my best to be understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell another being that she is “odd” and “crazy” without specifying that this is my reaction to my world-view clashing with another's which seemed “alien” to me as I had not yet at the time realized and learned to express that this is the process that I went through within that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as a participant of interaction by assertively defining another being without specifying that this is by no means a valid assessment of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my position within the above-mentioned group of friends by testing out different ways to dominate, control and lead others, not realizing that I was taking advantage of people who expressed their insecurity through submission whereas I expressed my insecurity through dominance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as an equal participant of interaction by not being clear on my communication by thinking “oh well, I guess they got my point” and letting the unclear moments slip by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be sensitive about the reactions of others as indicators of possible misunderstandings where I could then correct my expression accordingly to do what I can to avoid possible conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify abdicating my responsibility to correct unclear communication with the belief that people understand each other even without everything being voiced, not realizing that I am using this belief to not voice things that I find uncomfortable communicating to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have noticed another to react which may have indicated a misunderstanding, to react with fear and choose to “skip” clarifying my expression to another by thinking “oh well, I guess he/she got my point” so that I could avoid what I fear, which here is the possibility of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within my fear of conflict to ignore possible signs of misunderstandings (i.e. in the body language of others) so that I wouldn't have to solve the misunderstanding, because I fear that the process of solving a misunderstanding would lead to conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that attempting to solve a misunderstanding will probably lead to conflict and to thus fear solving misunderstandings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this belief/perception that attempts to clear things out will become conflicts based on previous situations where I have tried to clear things out and have failed.

• Numerous memories arise concerning this:
  • In elementary school (age 9-10) when all my friends collectively decided to ignore me and no longer be friends with me I tried to solve the situation but no one would engage in discussion with me > I felt abandoned and powerless > my attempt proved futile because no one would respond.
  • When I was around 19 a friend of mine accused me of “idolizing my sister”, which was a perception she appeared to base on who I had been as a child but was no more. I told her this was no longer true and she would not believe me, and I felt that I was unfairly judged > my attempt to solve a misunderstanding proved futile because another would not listen to my words over her belief > I felt judged and misunderstood.
  • Around the age 20 I tried to speak to a group of friends about a communication issue I had noticed within the group. I sent everyone a message where I directly addressed the issue (people talking shit behind each other's backs and not communicating directly to each other) and nobody replied. I was later on excluded from the group and from this I concluded that the habit of talking shit about people behind their backs continued in my case as well. > I realize that in this case I was reactive within the message I sent as I was frustrated and wanted someone to interact with me instead of “fading away” as they always did > I felt like the interaction was a failure because I got no response.

In all of the above-mentioned memories the common nominator for “failure” is [the lack of response], which I now see, realize and understand to not be something I can influence, as each and every person makes their own choices and I cannot make another person engage in a conversation to clear things up if they do not want to. I see that I have felt myself judged in these situations through “silent rejection” and thus started to fear situations like this. I have thus connected [attempting to solve a situation] to [rejection] which I have blamed on myself through feeling judged, which is in fact self-judgement through the eyes of others. I have not seen, realized and understood that the lack of response from others is “out of my hands” - I have done all I could, and if others haven't joined in it is their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame it on myself when another person does not respond to my attempt to communicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unfairly judged when another person chooses to believe their perception of me instead of seeing who I actually am, clinging onto the feeling of unfairness because I have assigned the perception of others the power to define me and thus feel conflicted because I do not want to be defined like I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another chooses to believe their perception of something over the actual reality it is their loss and not a choice I can make for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I was not listened to within a conversation, to get frustrated with the other person(s), thinking “why are you such idiots?”, “why won't you listen?”, “hello, I'm right here!”, “what's wrong with you?”, “come ON, just speak to me!” - as I have not seen, realized and understood that the choices of others are theirs to make and that I cannot make another reply, becoming frustrated as I have taken this failure in communication personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to the lack of response from others, assuming others to judge me and talk shit about me behind my back if they do not respond, thus trying even harder to get them to respond as an attempt to stop the judgement and bad-mouthing, and getting frustrated when I fail as I see my attempts to stop the habits of others to not be working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get desperate when others have ignored my attempt to face them in honesty as I have feared the judgement they appear likely to pass on me as I have taken the risk to speak straightforwardly about what's actually going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of it as a “risk” to address what's actually going on because I have seen how few ever seize that opportunity and how many choose to ignore it and what the consequences are to me (judgement, loss).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when others choose to ignore a window of opportunity.

Alright, bringing this back to the original topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear solving misunderstandings in conversation and other communication because I have feared that the response will be rejection or “silent rejection” through shown or covered judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another's decline to solve a misunderstanding because I fear their perception, opinion and evaluation of me and that the decline indicates that I am seen as “less” than I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to another's perception/opinion of me because others have been my only source of acceptance for all of my life so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others by believing the perception/opinion others appear to have of me, not standing within and as myself in self-certainty here in the physical where there is no doubt of who I am but only looking at reflections of myself within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another ignores the opportunity to solve a misunderstanding and feel disappointed, and based on this create a resistance to even try to solve misunderstandings because I fear the reaction of the other will be negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it upon myself when an attempt to solve a misunderstanding fails, not realizing that within interaction there are multiple participants and that each participant carries an equal responsibility over the interaction – not just me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to try and solve a misunderstanding when and as I see the possibility that there is a misunderstanding, because I as the one who notices am responsible, and that my best attempt to solve a misunderstanding is to carry my responsibility no matter how the other responds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another will not try to solve the misunderstanding with me but instead ignores, belittles or judges the opportunity, this is their choice which I cannot make for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is important to walk through these situations where “nothing appears to change” because they might have an effect on the other's process in ways invisible to me, and also because within them I practice assertiveness, self-honest communication and self-leadership.

I commit myself to do my best within communication to be understood as I see, realize and understand this to be the purpose of all communication, and I commit myself to do this by:

• being clear/self-honest on what I mean with the words I use
• being sensitive to others to see if there is understanding
• when noticing a possible misunderstanding, addressing it and clarifying myself when/if necessary

I commit myself to not let misunderstandings slip by by facing my fear, realizing it is not valid and pushing through by opening my mouth and speaking even if unplanned.

When and as I notice a misunderstanding and think “oh well, maybe they got my point” - I stop, I breathe and I realize I am using this belief that people understand each other without direct communication as a justification to avoid the possible conflict that may come from attempting to solve a misunderstanding. I realize this belief to be bollocks. I realize that if others were to react negatively to my attempt to directly address what's going on, it would be nothing personal towards me but others choosing to ignore a window of opportunity. I then proceed to solve the misunderstanding according to the situation – mainly by asking if there was a misunderstanding or not and clarifying myself when necessary.

I commit myself to keep myself grounded within my physical in self-certainty when communicating with others by stabilizing myself in slow and steady breath, sensing my entire body from head to toe and being aware of my centre of gravity – thus living as a physical expression of self-acceptance.