Day 410: Social anxiety - introversion as a learned quality

29082014

Yesterday evening I went to visit a friend's commune for the first time. The preceding few days had been very stressful and tiresome for me and I felt stretched, tense and exhausted.

When I got to the place and sat down with the people, I noticed that a calm came over me. I noticed that as compared to the other social situations where I had been for example during the same day, these people appeared to have no expectations of me. We didn't know each other, and the activities that people were engaged in didn't require anything of me unless I wanted to contribute. As I realized that I was in a space where I didn't have to strain myself, I started relaxing myself by allowing myself to focus on myself and my well-being only. I was in dire need of my own attention (i.e. I really needed to rest my body) and so I allowed myself to simply be and let others construct the situation.

I eventually slowed myself down more than I have in a long while. I was simply in breath, observing myself and my motions. I realized how much I stress about social situations and what a relief it was to be in one where I didn't require anything of myself. The keywords that night were: “I don't need to” (“ei mun tartte”). Whenever a thought came saying I “should” do something, I released it with the realization that no, I shouldn't, as these requirements are not practical but ones that serve to build and uphold my self-image and self-ideal. I was forgiving myself for setting myself standards striving for perfectionism.

This state of peace continued on to this morning, and because it was in such contrast with most of my experiences from the entire summer, I noticed when it started to crumble. I went out of the house with my partner to have lunch with some of his friends whom I hadn't met before. After the lunch I had become withdrawn, anxious and tense (or “weird” as my partner expressed it – the contrast was pretty noticeable). After writing about it now I realized that after we left the house, a series of “I should” -thoughts had been triggered by different situations, which brought up stress as I attempted to attain to these thoughts and judged myself when I didn't.

• “I should keep up with him” / “I should be able to keep up with him”
• “I should make a good impression on these people”
• “I should be able to pay for my own expenses”
• “I should talk with these people”
• “I should participate in the discussion”
• “I should be more independent” / “I should make an initiative to ...”
• “I will look stupid if I do that – I should look impressive”

The thing is, I'm starting to see what my social difficulties consist of: these lines of code containing the words “I should” - or rather, the thoughts or lines of code as experiences and not so much as words spoken in my mind. I've been what one might call an “introvert” ever since some time in elementary school when I started being bullied, and the thing is, I remember the time before that: I know I haven't always found social situations difficult, and that introversion at least for me is not an inherent quality. It is something that got created somewhere along the way when I learned that there were unwritten rules to socializing that could be broken with dire consequences. I didn't know how to cope, so my response was to withdraw.

I'll continue with specific self-forgiveness on the “I should” -statements above.

Day 402: Back stabbing

19052014

I listened to this speech by Bernard Poolman, and I started thinking if I have accepted and allowed myself to create and maintain relationships that are causing me harm through secret negative thoughts, attitudes and/or emotions. The idea of us “voodooing” each other, jinxing each other with negative backchat, got me to realize that some of my current physical ailments for example may be the result of unraveled baggage in my relationships towards other people, or more precisely, in others wishing me ill. Because I sense these attitudes, whether I allow myself to actually look at them or not, the anticipation and fear itself may be causing me physical tension and pain.

There are specific points in my family relations that I realized I've not handled with these people directly. I'll begin with these close family relations because they're most crucial in how I've been constructed, and thus the source of any other relationship issues I may have.

• father: shame / disagreement / revulsion / disapproval towards me because I have “turned my back on God” - rejection / lack of acceptance
• sister: envy (mutual), competition
• both brothers: dismissing and belittling them, their lives and achievements (for reasons I don't really know yet, I only just realized that I do this)

Concerning my mother I didn't really find anything. Out of my family I have probably had the most open and communicative relationship with my mother, and this may have made way for cleansing whatever tension there has been between us (because there has been some, if not plenty).

The physical ailments I am referring to here are mainly my shoulder/neck tension issues, which have become chronic during the past few years. I am not sure about the origin point of this specific issue, but from some memories I can gather that 2011, when I was made to realize there was an issue in the first place, I had already been stuck for a while, meaning some years probably. I have recently placed my focus on this specific issue and tried if regular exercise would help with it, but so far I've only seen it to alleviate the symptoms for a little while with the problem itself persisting. Occasionally the pain/tension has been “magically” lifted under completely random circumstances I have not found a pattern out of, but it has always returned. I have considered contacting physiotherapists and other kinds of medical assistance for perspective on this issue, but I haven't done so yet due to lack of time and funding.

When listening to Bernard's metaphor about “back stabbing” it kinda got to me, because my issue is specifically in the back – I can literally feel the stabs, lol – and now that I think of it, the word and concept of “back stabbing” is one that I have used a lot to describe my experiences with abandonment and rejection. Whoa, OK, so this might in fact have more to do with the bullying theme I talked about in my last post than with my family relations.

When I was around 10 years old my school friends all turned their backs on me and refused to have anything to do with me. Because I did not understand why they did this, I later on dubbed their actions as “back stabbing”, doing something hurtful unexpected and unexplained. I then went through experiences that were almost identical when I was 12, 15, 18 and 20: a group of friends suddenly expressed their disapproval towards me, either directly or passive-aggressively, and I responded with whatever coping mechanisms I had available, from aggressive dismissal to submissive withdrawal. I remember that each of these times the rejection came unexpected, even though as time went on I learned to distrust people all the more and to expect the worst. For some reason I still never thought or believed that these people I called my friends would do something so cruel. Now that I think of this pattern and how obvious it is in hindsight, I appear to have been totally blind to the reality of those relationships: to who the others have actually been in relation to me, to how and why our relationships have been formed – to the fact that they were bound to fall apart because of how we lived them out.

It is this attention to relationship forming and the effort to see people (including myself) as they really are that I think have changed my relationships the most and actually broken the cycle I used to repeat every few years. At the moment I think I am building relationships based on more solid ground than ever, prioritizing communication, honesty and self-reflection. So why does my back still feel as if I am being stabbed? Am I afraid of it all starting over again?

I have begun the healing and forgiving process to let go of any bitterness or spite left from these past events, but partially because I have not managed to open lines of communication with some of the key people from the past I am not yet done with this. I fear (or know, or sense) that with specific people there are negative thoughts being harbored towards me, and because people never speak them, never express them, always keep them hidden from daylight, it is difficult for me to transcend what happened and “clear the air” all by myself. It's as if some of the old “stab wounds” are still infected and refuse to heal, and this might be a part of the cause of the persisting physical pain.

Especially with the tension my shoulders tend to stiffen as if they were becoming crystallized, if not constantly opened with exercise or massage – which is when they usually just flame with pain before stiffening again - and this crystallization seems to speak of old wounds being locked in and integrated into my being. I do not wish for this to happen, and I think that I still have a chance to sort myself out before I become a living manifestation of spite, resentment, bitterness, anticipation, distrust and fear.

So what I guess I could do is go through the unresolved relationships (as well as those that appear resolved) in specific detail, mapping out what exactly I fear with each one, how I experienced them, what I desired from them, what it is that is still weighing on me. How do I believe them to perceive me? How would I wish to be perceived? Who are/were they to me, and who am/was I to them? What were the relationships based on? Why did we attract each other? What secrets did we have from each other that tore us apart?

Cool, I'll continue with this mapping. It's cool to know what I'll be writing about next, makes the treshold of writing a bit easier to cross.

Day 397: Compiling secret spite

01042014

A couple of days ago I faced harsh and direct judgement to which I reacted to quite strongly. I took the message personally and felt really bothered by it with an awful feeling in my gut. The message I received pointed out a mistake I had made, but it did so with a tone that I responded to with a negative reaction, and so I missed out on receiving the valid feedback and only focused on the element of judgement.

Now, a couple days later, the situation came to a culmination point. Because of my reaction of taking the judgmental tone of another personally, I had made decisions to act upon my self-judgement and in a way punished myself for being judged – not for the mistake itself, but for the fact that somebody wasn't pleased with me! So in a way I was trying to redeem for my mistakes, but not the ones I had actually made. I perceived my fault to have been the fact that I was so “bad” that another had judged me, and again ignored what I could have originally done better.

So these actions of mine were noticed and responded to with common sense, which is when I realized I had been wrong all along. I was acting just like my father has in similar situations: compiling secret spite under actions of self-punishment. And with the same people, even! I realized that in this situation I was the spitting image of my father, with every tone, posture, gesture and word, and having seen the consequences of my father's actions on himself I will not accept and allow myself to follow in these footsteps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X's tone of voice and choice of words as I have learned to fear aggression as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that aggression directed towards me is valid and always my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to aggression without questioning the validity of the aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the message under the aggression as my focus has been on the way the message has been delivered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see past my fear reaction to aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to aggression by shrinking and withdrawing instead of standing up and breathing myself open.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when facing aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X as an authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving feedback from X – be it delivered with any tone, aggression or not – as I have known her feedback to be (mostly) valid and direct and thus feared facing conflict within myself, forgetting that conflict is an opportunity to change and develop myself for the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my worth according to how much/little feedback I receive from X, wanting to be “ready” so that she would have nothing to criticize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my relationship to X has been created on a basis of imbalanced power relations – when I was a child and she was my mentor – and that for this relationship to work now that we're both adults equal in power I need to change my stance towards her from fearful to fearless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these complications in my relationship to X are not surprising at all, as we have started off in an unequal relationship, and that now that I can see the cause of the complications the dynamics of this relationship can in fact be changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see the feedback behind X's aggressive message as I have not wanted to admit to having done something “wrong” (not as well as possible).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the opportunity to learn from the feedback by not looking at what was said and instead secretly blaming X for being “inconsiderate”, “irrational” and “hysteric”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and appear as if I was redeeming for my mistakes by acting upon self-punishment, not realizing that I was doing this just to appear submissive while I was secretly compiling spite towards X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I “shouldn't” be making mistakes now that I am no longer a child within my relationship to X, not realizing that people of all ages make mistakes as mistakes are an inevitable part of learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see and embrace the mistakes I make around X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes around X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my father reacts and responds to X in the exact same way as I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by mirroring my relationship with X to my fathers relationship with X I can easily see what mistakes I have made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the spitting image of my father, not realizing that as I do so I also repeat the same mistakes he has made and end up suffering the same consequences.

I commit myself to focus on moving from fearfulness to fearlessness in practical application within my relationship to X.

I commit myself to accept and allow myself to make mistakes around X and to receive feedback for them.

I commit myself to support and assist myself with breathing when and as I react to aggression with fear.

Day 392: Using weather as an excuse

08032014

This post is a continuation to:
Day 391: Winter depression

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disconnected from life during winter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the manifestations of life around me during winter, as I have focused on the lack of what I have labeled as “life” instead of focusing on what is actually here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to work with the reality that is here at the moment in order to best support myself to truly live within and as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the manifestation of life that is myself when during winter my surroundings have not supported my idea of “life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a deal with myself that when the winter gets nice and cold and pretty (usually the temperature here drops enough for it to be a beautiful winter for a while) I will start taking walks outside and thus connecting with nature and giving myself exercise – not realizing that because the weather is unpredictable, this “deal” might never come to happen, making this bargaining with myself unreliable. [We ended up having a really sucky winter here, bad weather and no snow.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving in to discomfort of taking walks outside when the weather is cold, dark and wet by thinking that I'll go out when the weather gets better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making “if, then” deals with myself regarding my physical well-being is not reasonable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself to push through the discomfort of exercising and being in nature when the weather is “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “bad” weather according to some uncomfortable childhood experiences where I have gotten cold and wet with no sense of control over the situation to comfort me. [For example, now as an adult I can reason out with myself that if I get wet, I can always eventually come home and change into dry clothes.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless when my surroundings are physically uncomfortable, not realizing that I have the tools to both alleviate the discomfort by practical means and to walk myself through my feeling of discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the manifestations of life in nature during winter by choosing to not go out much, thus causing my sense of being “disconnected from life” myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the manifestations of life in other people by choosing to not go out much and rather stay at home due to seeking comfort, thus causing my sense of being “disconnected from life” myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as an excuse to not exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as an excuse to not socialize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as a justification to give in to my desire to remain within my comfort zone / my fear of facing discomfort.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I have created resentment towards certain weather conditions, facing those conditions within any activity is an act of stepping outside my comfort zone, which means that I need specific attention and care from myself when I face those conditions and expand beyond my current comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to go jogging in “bad weather” and get disappointed in myself when I repeatedly failed to do so, not realizing that as both the conditions and the activity are such that I am still to some extent uncomfortable with and resent, I would need clear focus and awareness to be able to commit this set of actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully support myself when and as I would have the opportunity to do something uncomfortable and expand myself, thus with my carelessness wasting the opportunity and building up self-disappointment.

• I commit myself to take into consideration my remaining resentment towards jogging and certain weather conditions when and as I go out to exercise by giving myself enough time, dressing up properly, removing any distractions and focusing on giving myself attention.
• I commit myself to exercise one moment at a time, one breath at a time.
• I commit myself to use self-forgiveness to overcome mental barriers towards exercise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the weather is not a valid reason to not go out unless it's raining fireballs or razorblades (lol) – unless the weather is actually directly harmful to human beings, which it rarely is here.

Day 387: Loneliness is the result of my passiveness

16022014

A couple of days ago I went into a kind of a hyperactive state, where I became extremely social and where I was really cheerful and on a good mood. This lasted until today where after a day of socializing and kilometers of walking (which did me good, I haven't been exercising lately) I crashed back home and was tired to the point where I had to recharge for several hours before having the energy to do something (the writing I'm doing at the moment).

This is an interesting point to look at, because I went through some points regarding socializing before my hyper-state began. My partner left a few days ago to his home country and at first I was not OK with living alone again. I felt disconnected, dead, stagnant and joyless, which I saw to be because there was nothing in my apartment that lives on the same “level” with me (house plants and even pets don't really compare to another human being), thus making my environment lacking in external incentives for self-reflection: in other words, I no longer had the mirror that I had grown to enjoy.

When I reflected upon this point I came across thoughts regarding my friends, mainly consisting of hoping that they would reach out to me – which is when I asked myself: why should they come to me? How would they even know I would like company? Why am I not going to them?

And so while pondering upon all this on Valentine's day – I day I have had a heavily charged relationship towards, with all the expectations of romantic gestures being flung towards me while I sit on my ass – I worked my way through certain levels of discomfort and took myself outside to where some of my friends were, as I realized that if there is something I need, I am responsible for somehow delivering it. I continued this trajectory also yesterday, enjoying my work shift at the bar to the fullest, and today as I met a lot of people and really embraced their company for the first time in what seems like months. I kinda realized something new about the importance and function of friends as mirrors, and also discovered that I, somehow surprisingly, have quite a lot of them. If I catch myself thinking “I have no friends”, I'll now know it's a delusion I create out of passiveness.

So in a way having my partner live with me was the easy way to socialize, because he would always be available at home. When living with others the basic need for socializing is fulfilled within my easy-to-access zone that doesn't require extra effort for me – but the downside of this is that every social connection that does require effort starts to feel like “too much” in comparison, not to mention the stagnation that comes from only socializing with a limited number of people.

So: the hyper-social state caused by some new realizations and the following practical application, combined with a lack of sleep and plenty of exercise and fresh air, caused me to become tired for a few hours. Doesn't sound unreasonable when I put it like that, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to have a social life without myself doing anything to construct, support, uphold and develop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to approach me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if others approach me it is a sign that I have friends, and that if others do not approach me it is a sign that I do not have friends – not realizing that a balanced and sustainable relationship of any sorts cannot come out of a situation where one is constantly passive and the others are constantly active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my need to socialize – the moment where I notice I am alone and would rather be with someone – by looking for signs of someone approaching me (checking facebook, email, phone, physical surroundings) and feeling satisfied/fulfilled when someone is approaching me or disappointed when I am not being approached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to not being approached by blaming myself (for not being good enough) and by blaming the world (for not giving me a good life).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the world owes me a “good life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my back to the world (the people) when it hasn't (they haven't) given me a “good life” in terms of the social dimension, thinking that “if they don't approach me, I don't have to approach them” - not realizing that I am in fact acting out of FEAR as I am afraid of being rejected if I take the “risk” of approaching another and thus revealing the fact that I (gasp!) like the person – as if it was a fucking secret! - and that the other person might be just as much in the need of company and just as afraid of reaching out to others to get it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the unfairness of always expecting others to approach me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that friendships are created, upheld and developed while I passively sit on my ass and make no effort whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the answer to “why should I if others don't” in this case is that if I don't, the others never will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is my responsibility to ensure myself a fulfilling social life.

I commit myself to further explore and investigate the social dimension of life. (So far so good!)

I commit myself to enjoy the people around me, whoever they may be according to circumstance, by seeking how we could mutually both give and receive.

I commit myself to teach myself to approach others when I am in need of company.

Days 377-378: Dissatisfied with life

09-10012014

Yes, it's just me. / http://mentalcomix.wordpress.com/

Ever since my partner left to travel a couple of days ago I've been hit with heavy anxiety and depression. It has made me crazy when I'm at home by myself and jammed when I'm out with other people. I had trouble being at work because I didn't really know how to be around people: it took me many hours to move myself out of the state I was in to start to enjoy the presence of people. Today at university specific triggers caused me to get very depressed, emotional and anti-social. I walked through some of the things during the day but was still feeling very heavy and tired. I called that state “being in deep waters” - a phrase I've probably picked up from a friend who once used the same words to describe his depression.

When I got home I was relieved to be by myself, but soon the walls started caving in and I again got anxious because I was alone. I reached a breaking point where I started talking through the points that had been surfacing and releasing the accumulated emotions through crying, shouting and movement. This worked surprisingly well: I calmed down, my state of being stabilized (walls were no longer crashing but standing quite firm, lol) and as I started going through all the things I had just voiced I had a bunch of points to write down and examine. I will now go through some of the points at once as they intertwine.

“My life as it is feels unsatisfying”

I had a very hard time admitting this to myself, because I feel like an immense failure saying it. Everything in my life is apparently well: I've got a place in a university and I don't have any tuition fees to pay; I've got a job that I enjoy and brings me enough money; I have plenty of friends; I've got all the basic necessities of life covered; I've got a direction that I am walking towards. Nothing should be wrong – yet, something seems to not be right.

All of my adult life I have been trying to find myself a direction to go to. I've been working to survive and applying to different schools every year, usually art schools because I've had a passion towards many fields of art. A couple of years ago I decided to move my focus from art – a form of psychotherapy – into the system itself, which causes the need for psychotherapy in the first place. Instead of working with the symptoms I wanted to work with the causes, the actual illness that makes the world a place of inequality and separation. I chose to focus on the field of education, an effective tool for prevention, which is what I'm studying now in university.

One way I've also been looking for fulfillment of sorts has been through relationships. I used to live in a big family, and when I left home to live on my own I moved together with my second boyfriend. I was happy to be living with someone, but it also became a point of dependency and addiction where I became financially and socially dependent on my boyfriend, thus eventually taking the relationship into a breaking point where we broke up and moved apart. I've lived alone ever since and I've been fine with it, up until 1-2 years ago when I saw some of my friends living in communes and shared houses and realized how much more fun life would be when living with other people. I created a craving for a “family”, not necessarily one of a couple and their children, but of any people, a community of sorts. But as I realized it was not possible for me at the time I thought that there would be a time for it, and that I should just enjoy the time I have on my own.

The two questions I'm looking at here now are:

• Am I studying the right subject?
• Can a person be fully happy living alone?

I've asked myself the first question before, and I have told myself that if I am genuinely enjoying whatever it is that I study and finding it relevant and useful, it “doesn't matter” what the topic is. I think that education science will prove itself useful to me in ways that I cannot yet foresee, because it can also be combined with any form of art or adapted into any setting where people are involved. In any case what I study now is going to give me much needed perspective and knowledge.

I guess one thing that I need to keep in mind while studying is that I should not be afraid to change what it is I'm doing. I have a habit of planning waaaaay into the future, but I cannot really know if any of it will happen or if any of it is advisable at all. I'm kinda pondering between the options to either step into the system and play the game that the social construct labeled “LIFE” is, or to focus on creating my life into one that I find enjoyable and worth living – because, frankly, right now life does not feel “worth living” in those respects. It may be the wave of depression speaking, but there is a deep dissatisfaction in me where life just seems to suck balls. This may be me separating myself from life in each breath and each moment as I lose myself into grand visions and get disappointed when I do not see immediate results.

But I'm guessing one could both “play the game” AND create a life that one can enjoy. Depends on how one plays the game, I guess: I once met a guy who was dedicated to become a prime minister and thus had given up all hope of ever having a fulfilling partnership – although this may have just been his helplessness, as even though politics is tough many do still manage a family alongside all of it.

So I guess that I'm just going to have to live through studying, work, career and all that moment by moment, and grasp whatever opportunities come along my way when and as they do. We cool? We cool.

Now, about living alone. Since my partner left the time I spent living with him compares like a slice of heaven to these past couple of days, which is just insane and I know it. I have recognized a part of what makes it, though: being able to share myself to another being, because another being is a dynamic mirror to myself whereas the walls of my apartment never respond, lol. I've noticed that now that he's gone I speak maybe a tenth of what I did when he was around, which has a huge effect on how much I communicate with myself: I don't talk to myself until I reach some sort of a crisis where I have to talk something out, so usually I just fall into this slump where I forget to ask myself how I'm doing. This, now, may be a great moment to learn more about self-communication and how I can become self-sustained in that respect, so that I would not be dependent on living with others in order to see and know myself, even though living with others may make that process a lot more efficient. I may have to live on my own some time yet, so I need to learn how to be my own mirror, my own partner and my own conversationist while there's nobody here to assist me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life feel dissatisfying by creating big visions of what I should become and then getting disappointed when I appear to be “getting nowhere”, not realizing that even though I am actually making progress I am making myself blind to it by wanting to see grandiose things when progress is actually about doing small things within consistency.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I should “get somewhere” in life to be successful, not realizing that even though in the “game of life” (the social constructs of the world) “getting somewhere” is an asset that will gain me things, in the actual physical life beyond the social constructs very little is in fact required for life to be enjoyable and worthwhile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel as if my life is a failure when I seem to be failing at the “game of life”, not realizing that the two “lives” here are not the same even though I participate in both.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attempt to play the “game of life” (participate in the system) without first being stable in the physical life and without knowing all the rules of the “game”.

• I commit myself to prioritize stabilizing in the physical life and to participate in the “game of life” - the system – only by the requirements of the physical life.
• I commit myself to explore the basic components of the physical life – nutrition, exercise, socializing, creation and work, self-expression – to see how I can balance them out in my own living.
• I commit myself to further educate myself about the world to learn about life itself as well as the “game of life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about what kind of a professional I will become, afraid that I will become such a mismatch of skills and knowledge that I will have no use in the society, not realizing that what I can do may not have a distinct profile in my mind or in anybody's mind (as I will not be a stereotypical ballet dancer, firefighter or a classroom teacher – to be honest, I don't think any living person's actually a purely stereotypical presentation of a profession) and that what I can and will do to contribute to society, to humanity and to the world is something that I will create every step of the way as I move myself in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want certainty of “what I'll become” in the form of a clear career direction or profession that I could use to define myself with, not realizing that this self-definition would limit me in my choice of action as I would choose on whether something fits my profile or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will have no place in the world as I have been unable to label myself and assign myself a place, not realizing that to an extent not defining myself is actually supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will perceive me to be a failure if I do not “have a place” in the world, not realizing that I am again confusing life with the “game of life” where “having a place” is an asset, and that even if others were to make the same confusion it does not make it any more real.

• I commit myself to slow myself down to enjoy studying for as long as it feels interesting and enjoyable.
• I commit myself to not force myself to study things that I find no interest towards, and to instead focus on things that I am motivated to study.
• I commit myself to trust myself to be able to create myself positions in life where I can contribute to the world with all of my skills and knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make my life feel dissatisfying by communicating with myself only with a few selected people, thus not really being intimate with myself and supporting myself when I am not in the presence of those few people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for not asking me how I'm doing in my life, not realizing that it is not others' responsibility to open me up but mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not satisfied with life because I have clammed myself up from most people, thus not giving myself a chance to experience the social field in the scope that it could be utilized: as a mirror to myself and to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require other people in order to see myself, not realizing that even though self-reflection is more efficient with other people, others are not in fact required for me to see myself – it simply requires a bit more effort when I am by myself.

• I commit myself to ask myself “how are you” at least once a day, preferably more than once.
  • I commit myself to stop, breathe and ask myself “how are you” every night before I go to sleep, and I commit myself to reserve enough time and physical comfort for this exercise.
• I commit myself to write on at least 4 days of a week. (As writing daily is not working for me at the moment, I will instead commit to a smaller amount that I am certain I can in fact live up to.)
• I commit myself to investigate how exactly I live with myself to see how I could give myself enough attention and care.

Fascinating stuff! I'll keep on walking this state of being to see what comes up. The depression and anxiety have dissipated for now, which sure as hell makes life a bit nicer, lol.

Day 376: Reflecting upon living with another

07012014

I misread "loneliest", lol - http://dallion.com/comics/

My partner left today to travel for a few weeks. He has been living here in my apartment for about 3 weeks and he will return for another few weeks before he returns to his home country. Because I have lived alone for the past 4-5 years having someone live with me has been a very interesting challenge, and now that he is gone and I am alone again I am starting to notice some peculiar things.

At first once he had left I started noticing these little things I had learned to do under his influence while he was here, which is when I just felt immense gratitude, even though they were relatively small practical changes. Second, I tried to glorify solitude by thinking of how cool it will be to have some “me-time” and whatnot, without success however, which left me sort of empty and unenergized.

Third, towards the end of the day, I started paying attention to something we had on some level already discussed with my partner. Because we have both been very solitary in our living, we had both noticed that living with another person does change the way one positions oneself to the “empty moments”: the pauses in activity when one simply wonders about what to do next, how one is feeling, etc. I have noticed that when he has been living here I am more inclined to spend those “empty moments” being social, by sharing my thoughts and experiences, by suggesting shared activities or by reflecting out loud upon what I was doing. Having another person present was like constantly looking into a mirror, as everything I did was reflected on him and off him in various ways.

So when I was just now doing some house work on my own, I noticed that in comparison to how these every-day activities were with another, I appeared lifeless, joyless, motionless – like a walking carcass, a shell of a living being. I am not entirely sure whether this is just my inability to enjoy my own company (or an expectation of entertainment?) - even though I am not feeling emotionally down, just empty – or if my state of being compares like this because life is actually best enjoyed when shared. What if I don't want to live alone anymore? What if I'm just DONE cherishing personal space? Whatcha say about that, Miss Seclusion?!

Due to practical reasons I might have to live alone for some time yet, so I do need to find some way of coping with it, even though the downsides are becoming more and more accentuated as years go by. Arranging shared living, then again, is at its core a practical task, and if I do decide that it would best support my living to share housing with others, all I've got left is to act upon that decision.

Self-forgiveness next; we'll see if something else relating to this pops up by tomorrow.

Days 374-375: A neurotic bitch: fixing others' mistakes in secret

05-07012014

My partner pointed out a behavioral pattern of mine that I had not paid attention to before, and as I was processing it I also noticed that I do it at my workplace. It's when I notice somebody making a mistake or doing something “wrong” from my perspective, and instead of directly talking about it with the person I try to quietly correct it on my own. When me and my partner were discussing this I said that the reason I do this is because “I don't want to be bitchy”. So basically I realize that “my way” of doing things might as well be wrong, and so I don't want people to believe that I'd believe my viewpoint to be the only right option (arrogance). I realize that this pattern is for me to avoid conflict and uphold an equilibrium of sorts, which of course doesn't work because mostly people notice that I'm correcting the stuff they did “wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out my opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that speaking out my opinion might be seen as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will react to me speaking out my opinion and giving feedback even though my intention is not to mock but to organize things in the most beneficial way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my perspective on how things could be organized in the best way possible, thus being afraid of bringing my viewpoint into discussion so that we could all together come up with a solution to how things should be organized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will criticize me for bringing up points where others could improve or change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a backlash of blame and resentment from people when and as I bring my perspective into discussion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with dissatisfaction, irritation and worry when and as I see that something has been done in a way that I perceive to not be best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give feedback to others from within the dissatisfaction, irritation and worry, thus actually attacking others by superimposing my viewpoint and thus giving others an incentive to counter-react with defensive behavior, such as blaming me and thinking of me as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear of others attacking me when I give feedback, by giving feedback from an unclear starting point, basically blaming others for my discomfort, and thus creating situations where others attack me to defend themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear myself.

I see X -> I perceive X to be “wrong” -> I react to X and want to fix it -> I look for the cause for X -> I choose a target (Y) and believe them to be the cause for X -> I believe Y to be the cause of my reaction, not realizing that the cause for my reaction is ME and not Y even though the cause for X is Y.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my way of doing things is the right way of doing things, not realizing that even though I have carefully assessed all the perspectives I have recognized, there may be viewpoints that I have not realized to take into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the actual solutions for how things can be done in a way that is the best for all can only be achieved through a discourse between all participants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to find actual solutions I need to discuss the issues with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fix things “my way” without notifying others, thus hoping that nobody would notice that I am behaving “neurotic” and “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to solve things by thinking that I am “neurotic” and “bitchy”, not realizing that the issue is NOT my will to implement solutions but the fact that I do not discuss this with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving others feedback as I have feared that they will take it personally and believe their reaction to be my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if others would blame me for their reaction to my feedback, it doesn't make my feedback invalid - quite the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the reactions of others as they are – manifestations of who they are at the moment – and that I have instead taken them personally and defined myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the solution to my habit of reacting to others' mistakes is to fix things in secret. (When I put it that way I'm starting to see how ridiculous this is, lol. Ingredients for a comedy film!)

I commit myself to no longer fix others' mistakes “in secret” by not addressing the mistake in any way and hoping no one will notice.

When and as I perceive someone to be making a mistake, I stop, I breathe and I check myself for any and all reactions. I remind myself that I am reacting to something I have labeled as “wrong” - something that I do not want in my reality – and that by rejecting a part of this reality I incapacitate myself from acting within it. I remind myself that my conception of “right” and “wrong” (what is best for all) might be flawed and that the only way to expand my conception is to discuss it with others.

Thus, I commit myself to bring up the mistake in discussion with the people involved to reach a shared understanding on what the best course of action would be.

• For further support, some phrases I can start the discussion with: “I see you're [doing X]. How did you learn to do it like this? Have you considered [perspective Y]?”

Day 373: Claiming personal space - distracted by the social sphere

02012014

For some time now I have had my partner living with me. He lives on the other side of the globe and is now visiting me for some weeks / a couple of months. He has been living in my apartment for about 3 weeks, which has been a major challenge for me because I have lived alone for the past 4-5 years.

One challenge I have faced is finding, arranging and claiming personal space when it's needed. Because my apartment only really has one room with no doors to separate private spaces, it takes some effort to de-attach myself from the presence of the other, as I first need to identify the need for personal space, then decide to arrange it, then communicate it, and then make sure that I utilize that space effectively.

This is one of the reasons I have had trouble writing lately. I find it difficult to focus on writing in the presence of another or rather find some social activities more relevant. My partner agrees that writing is important and he is willing to give me all the space I need for doing it, but I have still found it difficult. I much rather just escape the discomfort of arranging myself a moment for writing into social activities as they are so easy and comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the discomfort I find in writing into social activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make writing uncomfortable for myself as I have created a threshold from the excuse “I don't know what to write about”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I don't now what to write about”, not realizing that it is an excuse to not write, and that I am in fact able to figure out what to write a blog post about once I sit down, bring myself to breath and start mapping out my recent experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear / anticipate the moment when I do not have a clear view on what today's blog post will be about, not realizing that the view will clarify eventually as I simply break my experience down and give myself enough time to piece it together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by the social possibilities living with another person brings into my life, thus forgetting about and ignoring my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being distracted by the social possibilities with the fact that my partner will only be here for a few weeks, not realizing that even though this is true and I should utilize my time with him as effectively as possible, by interacting with him from the starting point of escapism I build the relationship into a place of escapism / illusion instead of building it into a platform of actual support, which will have long-lasting consequences and might affect the relationship further in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the choices I make when living with my partner affect the way the relationship is constructed, and that if I give myself leeway by for example escaping my responsibilities or disregarding communication, it will have an effect on what the relationship becomes and what kind of issues/conflict/disturbance we will eventually come across.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal space to carry out my responsibilities and tasks I build the relationship to be founded on self-responsibility, self-reliance, commitment, direct communication, self-honesty and mutual support and assistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal space I do not only support myself but I also support the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear claiming personal space because it requires me to ask for practical things (silence, comfortable seat, good lighting, etc.) for myself so that the other will not be able to use them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for these practicalities as I have feared that I might be asking “too much” from the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I ask “too much” of the other, he will think less of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my partner thinking less of me because I perceive and believe that with him there's “more to lose” than with others as the “stakes are higher”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give special value to my partner's opinion of me as I have believed and perceived that a positive opinion keeps the relationship together whereas a negative opinion will make him lose interest / motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a person's opinion of another – how one experiences the other momentarily and in long-term / who one believes and perceives the other to be – is the fundamental reason for why relationships are created and held onto, not realizing that to build a partnership on feelings, images and concepts alone is unreliable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that alongside feelings and concepts relationships can also be built on principles, common goals and rational reasoning, which will provide a more solid foundation for a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust the principles our relationship is founded upon and (out of habit) be constantly afraid of “losing my standing” in the eyes of my partner, as this is what has usually been the reason for my relationships ending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to uphold the practice of building relationships on unreliable grounds by choosing my partners according to momentary experiences and ending the relationships when my partners have no longer triggered the same experience in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my current relationship will end up the same way my previous relationships have ended up, not realizing that I have the tools to prevent such an outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by trying to guess how this relationship “ends up” I am thinking in stories, simplifying lived life into images and living according to this guesswork, not realizing that future is created HERE and cannot be fully foreseen.

I digress!

I commit myself to arrange myself the time and space to write every day, taking into consideration the circumstances I do this in.

I commit myself to practice trust and self-trust by addressing topics that feel difficult with my partner.

I commit myself, when and as I need it, to ask for support from my partner e.g. in writing.

Days 367-368: What would you do if you only had one day?

12-13122013

Nature showing us how to express affection. No fancy words needed!

Today I came to think of the phrase “live every day as if it was your last”. First I read a facebook post where a friend shared her realization about the unpredictability of life while supporting her friend in an emergency room: you'll never know when your loved ones will be gone forever, so you'd better tell them how you feel about them while you still can. Next, I saw a video where the average amount of a person's living days was visualized with jelly beans, and where at the end of the video only one jelly bean was left and the following question was asked: “what would you do if you had only one day? What will you do today?”

I answered that question myself and I was surprised at the things I said. (Personal stuff.) Mainly the things I thought I would do involved contacting people and enjoying my last moments doing things with them. I then asked myself: well, hold on, why should I not do these things anyway, even if I would not be dying? Couldn't I just call these people up anyway?

What I faced then was a wall of excuses. “They probably have better things to do.” “They'd think you're just wasting their time.” Most of it revolved around fear. The activities I thought of were purely recreational, and I was afraid that if I'd live my life asking people to join me in fun stuff like that I would be judged as lazy, impractical, childish, irresponsible – a foolish hippie not willing to work.

But MAN would I enjoy life where I could do fun stuff! With others!

So I'm thinking how my life would be different if I would express my feelings towards people more openly and initiate activities more frequently than now. It would certainly be a lot more social and my relations with others would be built on a foundation of self-honesty (which I think is the only way to establish solid trust in another). Why am I not doing this already?

I realize that motivational videos like the one I saw play a lot on the fear of death and loss: when the number of my days is clearly shown to me, I react with a slight panic and disregard my responsibilities just to “enjoy while I can”. What I am looking for, though, is a sustainable way of living. I need to integrate the social into my life in a balanced way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing to another how I experience him/her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing my affection towards another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing my gratitude towards another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing my appreciation for another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing any form of positive experience I have had towards other people, because I have feared that I would then face a negative reaction from the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself through self-expression because I have associated self-expression with events from my childhood, where my self-expression was responded to with actions that I reacted negatively to.

[A memory from 1^st or 2^nd grade: there was a boy in my class I liked a lot. I never expressed this to him because I didn't really know what to do about the things I felt – I'd never received any sort of guidance concerning relationships. Once during class there was a moment where something we had in common (a toy) was unexpectedly exposed and we would have had a chance to bond over it; however, we didn't. I expressed my interest towards the commonality and was waiting for him to meet me half-way, whereas he sort or “retreated”, withdrew himself, not taking the opportunity and not interacting with me. I thought that this meant he did not like me at all, I felt ashamed and I never tried to talk with him again. I did not take into consideration that he may have withdrawn because of the situation (a boy and a girl bonding with each other during class would have required hell-class bravery and defiance of the social code), or because he, too, was clueless on what to do about his feelings. Because I entered the social world with no guidelines on what to do and how people actually work, I have built my fear of rejection based on possible misinterpretations like this.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when I express my positive experience of another person, the other will respond in such a way that I might interpret as “judgement”, “rejection” or “resentment” - not realizing that always interpreting things like this is a very narrow viewpoint that does not take into consideration the entire reality of things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when a person responds to my self-expression by withdrawing themselves, it is not because I have done something “wrong” but because of whatever inner processes the entire situation has triggered within them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for the way another person responds to his/her environment, thus reacting to the other person with fear of losing control, helplessness and panic as my world isn't what I would want it to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my self-blame, collapsing inwards automatically with my reaction, not stopping to breathe and realize that “HOLD ON, I am taking personally something that is not mine at all”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by believing another person's withdrawal is my fault (because I am not enough), I am NOT supporting and assisting the other to see and question the mind system that made him/her withdraw in the first place, but that I am instead supporting him/her to carry on living within and as the mind system (because he/she is not enough – through my example I show that self-diminishment is acceptable).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stand my ground when and as I have expressed myself and another has withdrawn as I have not really stood within my self-expression as I have lived as self-doubt, self-denial and self-resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for validation for myself from outside of myself as I have not really accepted, embraced or trusted myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the behavior of others is caused by me when in fact every individual creates their own behavior by choosing and authorizing their way of moving according to external stimuli.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself from participating in social living because I have been afraid of rejection, justifying my seclusion by judging social activities and thus settling for my solitude.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my wish to participate in social living and make myself believe that “I don't need it” as I have been afraid of taking the “risk” of exposing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that exposing myself through self-expression – by for example communicating to another how I experience him/her – is in fact NOT a risk where I put my self-worth on line but an opportunity where I don't have to lose myself (as I am always here!) but can in fact only gain and learn new things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give in to fear by choosing to not express myself to another when I hesitate, when I could instead breathe, return myself HERE and remind myself that the unknown is a window of opportunity leaping through which will always benefit me in the form of new experiences to be learned from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pass by that moment of truth, the moment of fear and resistance, with excuses and justifications, thus not gifting myself with the opportunity to grow by pushing through the fear.

I commit myself to experiment an give myself opportunities to grow out of my old habits by sharing with each person in my life how I experience them, be it in the form of feedback about their qualities or as a statement of how I feel about them. [Be this my christmas present to all!]

I commit myself to explore ways and chances of expressing gratitude.

I commit myself to support and assist myself within the paralyzing moment of fear and resistance by breathing, grounding and reminding myself that change happens one small movement at a time, one word at a time, one letter at a time, one breath a time – by bringing my focus absolutely on my breath, nothing else, and moving myself relying on my breath and physical existence, as my physical existence will not shudder even though my conceptual realities tremble, crumble, scream and explode.

I commit myself to support and assist others to walk through their process by remaining stable when and as they react instead of taking their reaction personally and counter-reacting, AND in order to do this, I commit myself to further investigate why and how I take things personally.

Day 365: Yearly review - year 1

08122013

Today is day 365 in this blog of mine: the documentation of my journey to life that I am committed to continue for at least seven years. I started this blog on the 21^st of September 2012, and because I have skipped some days along the way, I am a couple months behind the planned schedule. It's ok, though, it won't kill me (probably) – it just means that my process will take a longer time. The more I skip days, the slower I make progress.

To commemorate a full year I decided to take a look at the first couple of posts I made into this blog. In the very first entry I talk about my tendency to go to extremes to be accepted: I was referring to a phase in my life where I adopted a “depression personality” to fit into a group of people I found cool and interesting. It is interesting to see myself having mentioned this point, because I am currently in the process of disassembling the personalities I “wear” like masks to survive social situations, survival here meaning that I would be liked/accepted and not disliked/rejected. This particular phase with the “depression persona” is one of the many in my past that I haven't properly opened up yet, and I think it might be of use to me now in my current challenges to map out how I have created and repeated these same patterns in the past.

Some other points that stand out to me from the first 7 posts:

• belief that being busy is a sign of a higher status
• “shame was the only thing I knew for a long time”
• social insecurity being a mother point
• adapting to another's mood -> losing stability

Busyness as a status marker is a belief I see in my life currently as I am NOT that busy and feel guilty about it. The shame point exists in relations to other people. Social insecurity as something inherited from my mother is a point I've been working on for a while now, and I will expand on that later. The “if you're sad, I become sad” -adaptation/assimilation point is becoming more apparent to me now that I am processing the layers of my social behavior, and I find it easier to keep myself stable regardless of others' moods and emotions.

I am now thinking of returning to older posts regularly, to see what I have missed, what is reoccurring, what I have left half-way and where I have made progress. I could do 7 days, a week at a time, pick up all the prominent points and bring them into my writing.

So, next I'm going to continue with the social points, and I am also going to share about a femininity/mother point I am currently walking through. It is fascinating, huge, difficult and has already taken me years, but I am getting somewhere and I am quite excited about it – really nervous and scared but excited, lol. Stay tuned!

I commit myself to review my old posts one week (7 days) at a time approximately once a month, write a list of the points that I find relevant or interesting and then explore those points in writing and living application.

I commit myself to write this journal for as long as it takes to reach 2555 days (7 x 365).