01102013
This post is a continuation to:
An interesting thing occurred. All of what I wrote yesterday was a
cool realization in itself, but later I realized that I had used it
as a justification to follow those “attraction patterns” or
“pathways” I mentioned before. “It's OK to do stuff with
people? Then go ahead, follow your desire!” You know, lol, kinda
looping around myself, thinking I'd figured out something and then it
turns out I had missed something essential. So, I will now return to
writing about these patterns/pathways.
“Oh right, another point I've been thinking about in relation to
this are attraction patterns: how mutual attraction usually “ends
up” in sex through certain layers of interaction. I've realized
that one reason I have refrained from acting upon attraction is the
fact that I already saw the whole pathway leading up to sex looming
in front of me and I got really fucking scared of it, and so I rather
just staid away from people. What I've realized now is that I don't
(necessarily) have to follow that pathway. I have a choice in each
moment of breath – I have a choice in every single moment I
interact with another, and so in a way every moment is a blank slate.
This realization has been a great relief for me, because I have
understood that I am in fact in charge of myself and my life, and
that such a thing as attraction is no longer “in the wheel”.”
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to
follow a specific pattern of behavior and interaction with a person I
feel attracted towards, because what I have seen at the “end” of
the “pathway” I have defined as the “ultimate reward” - the
climax – the peak of the energy I accumulate within me from the
very moment the attraction is triggered in me. *
* Quite revealing how this is an analogy to sex.
--
In private spoken and written SF on specific events I came to realize
that what I seek for when following this attraction pattern that
would eventually lead up to sex is connection. I remembered
listening to an interview of the Relationship Success Support -series
about the “connection personality” - at the time not really
seeing myself in what was discussed - and now everything suddenly
making sense! According to what I've seen of myself so far, the
energy I seek for in the fulfillment of attraction is acceptance,
being heard and seen, feeling “special” and elevated, becoming an
entity with the other if only for a single moment of contact.
I realized this when I looked at a moment where I looked another person in the eye after wanting to get closer to him for a while, and where in this moment I felt a slight “oomph” in my being, like a shockwave being sent through me, where I felt like I was seen, I felt like the look was “special”, I felt like that one look was speaking a thousand words, as if I knew exactly what was going on, as if we were “meant to be” there – when what in fact happened was probably some sort of a synchronization of energy (resulting from mutual attraction) AND my anticipation being fulfilled / my accumulated energy being released. So what happened was not a “real” “connection” in that sense: it was just me rolling around in my energy (and him rolling around in his).
I realized this when I looked at a moment where I looked another person in the eye after wanting to get closer to him for a while, and where in this moment I felt a slight “oomph” in my being, like a shockwave being sent through me, where I felt like I was seen, I felt like the look was “special”, I felt like that one look was speaking a thousand words, as if I knew exactly what was going on, as if we were “meant to be” there – when what in fact happened was probably some sort of a synchronization of energy (resulting from mutual attraction) AND my anticipation being fulfilled / my accumulated energy being released. So what happened was not a “real” “connection” in that sense: it was just me rolling around in my energy (and him rolling around in his).
When I look at this desire to have a “connection” with someone
another point I was thinking of some weeks ago now starts to make
sense. I thought to myself: “am I really myself with anyone at
all?” With this question I realized that I am not really allowing
myself to be exposed and to show all of myself with everyone and
anyone, and instead I resort to personalities, within which I feel
“easy” and “chill” around people. The search for connection
thus makes sense: the connection I would naturally have with everyone
if I hadn't locked up my expression into personalities driven by
fear, I now seek for in “special” relationships that would be an
outlet for all the things I “can't be” with everyone else. The
interesting thing is: my “hunt” for this “connection” where I
could expose myself also happens from within personalities. So while
searching for the “right person” to expose myself to I'm not even
being myself! How would they ever know who I am?
And this is why this insane looping has got to stop. No matter how I
look at it – rationally or emotionally – it just doesn't make any
sense. It's a self-contradicting, self-justifying cycle. So hear me now: The connection I seek for is the connection I have lost with
myself and with all Life. I will never regain that connection from
special, exclusive relationships that are based on energy, because
energy will fade and die out. I will only ever find it from within
myself, and consequently from every single facet of Life inclusively.
I am in fact able to connect with every single being and element
there is to this reality we live in. The connection I look for is
LIFE – the connection I look for is HERE – the connection I look
for is waiting for me here in every moment of breath.
To clarify, because I am prone to feel guilty: There is nothing wrong
with interacting with people on different levels, as I have
established during these past few days of writing. It is in fact
recommendable. So go ahead and adventure, but be aware of what
is going on within me and why. That's where I learn – that's where
I grow – that's where opportunities are not wasted.
I'll continue with SF and commitments.
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