Day 393: Building trust in relationships

12032014

http://www.thadguy.com

I've noticed that a person I've been getting to know lately has a tendency of turning serious when something controversial is being discussed, this possibly being a defense mechanism of sorts. Knowing a bit about this person's past I can make approximate guesses of why this is (possibly a fear of conflict / a tension in social situations when there's a risk of disagreement), but I realize that instead of guessing around and mulling it over in my mind it's more relevant for me to practically support this person to see and possibly outgrow this tendency – a process through which I might also learn to better understand this person and the human mind in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to X turning serious in conversation, as I have misinterpreted his seriousness to mean that he disapproves of me when in fact I have nothing to do with him reacting to his own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret X's reactions to be “my fault” - that I am the cause of another's reactions – thus following the mind pattern of self-blame and self-belittlement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though I can reflect myself from how others react in my presence or under my influence, their reactions are still accepted and allowed by themselves and not by me under any circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that people themselves are “gatekeepers” of sorts to their own behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that carrying self-responsibility also means to not carry responsibility that is not mine, as I would be denying another a chance to learn and grow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what would best support the other person is not me reacting with possibly the exact same emotions he is experiencing (insecurity, fear of rejection, uncertainty, tension), but me creating a safe environment for discussing anything at all by remaining stable regardless of the topic.

• I commit myself to build myself into a stable support for others by walking through any reactions that occur in me within interaction and transcending them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X becoming serious within discussion because I have been afraid that he will choose to not like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked by X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that human relations do not have to be based on likes and dislikes – whims and moods – but on an agreement of mutual support, which creates a foundation for building solid trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of not being liked / desire to be liked comes from the fact that I base my relationships on moods and momentary preferences instead of building them on a common goal to support each other however we best can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my distrust towards people (fear of being abandoned/rejected) comes from the fact that I have become used to relationships being based on moods, whims and preferences and thus anticipate the moment when I assumedly will be ditched again as I fall out of another's favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am in fact living within a thought and behavioral pattern where, once a core relationship (one that fulfills some primary need) fails its purpose in some way, I immediately start looking for a replacement relationship (to fulfill the need) – thus always looking for salvation from outside of me without ever addressing the need itself.

• While observing myself for a few days I have noticed thoughts where I justify replacing one person with another with a selection of excuses (some valid, some not) – and then reversing it again when the second person has not fulfilled my desires. While thinking these thoughts I seem to justify having exclusive relationships, and I do it through some form of spite, as if I was blaming another for my discomfort/lack/need. Here, again, I ignore the source of the problem itself: the need that makes me restless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to build my relationships into safe and stable places for people (myself included) to face and direct themselves in, I need to focus on (self-)forgiveness and mercy - living out an example of letting go of self-diminishment, self-rejection and self-hate.

I commit myself to investigate if and how I manifest self-hate, self-rejection and self-diminishment when I interact with other people, and I commit myself to write about these points in order to better support others as well.

I commit myself to investigate and write about the pattern to replace core relationships with others as soon as they appear to “fail” or “malfunction”.

I commit myself to investigate my primary reason for desiring close relationships by returning to the EQAFE interviews on relationships and sex.

Day 387: Loneliness is the result of my passiveness

16022014

A couple of days ago I went into a kind of a hyperactive state, where I became extremely social and where I was really cheerful and on a good mood. This lasted until today where after a day of socializing and kilometers of walking (which did me good, I haven't been exercising lately) I crashed back home and was tired to the point where I had to recharge for several hours before having the energy to do something (the writing I'm doing at the moment).

This is an interesting point to look at, because I went through some points regarding socializing before my hyper-state began. My partner left a few days ago to his home country and at first I was not OK with living alone again. I felt disconnected, dead, stagnant and joyless, which I saw to be because there was nothing in my apartment that lives on the same “level” with me (house plants and even pets don't really compare to another human being), thus making my environment lacking in external incentives for self-reflection: in other words, I no longer had the mirror that I had grown to enjoy.

When I reflected upon this point I came across thoughts regarding my friends, mainly consisting of hoping that they would reach out to me – which is when I asked myself: why should they come to me? How would they even know I would like company? Why am I not going to them?

And so while pondering upon all this on Valentine's day – I day I have had a heavily charged relationship towards, with all the expectations of romantic gestures being flung towards me while I sit on my ass – I worked my way through certain levels of discomfort and took myself outside to where some of my friends were, as I realized that if there is something I need, I am responsible for somehow delivering it. I continued this trajectory also yesterday, enjoying my work shift at the bar to the fullest, and today as I met a lot of people and really embraced their company for the first time in what seems like months. I kinda realized something new about the importance and function of friends as mirrors, and also discovered that I, somehow surprisingly, have quite a lot of them. If I catch myself thinking “I have no friends”, I'll now know it's a delusion I create out of passiveness.

So in a way having my partner live with me was the easy way to socialize, because he would always be available at home. When living with others the basic need for socializing is fulfilled within my easy-to-access zone that doesn't require extra effort for me – but the downside of this is that every social connection that does require effort starts to feel like “too much” in comparison, not to mention the stagnation that comes from only socializing with a limited number of people.

So: the hyper-social state caused by some new realizations and the following practical application, combined with a lack of sleep and plenty of exercise and fresh air, caused me to become tired for a few hours. Doesn't sound unreasonable when I put it like that, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to have a social life without myself doing anything to construct, support, uphold and develop it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to approach me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if others approach me it is a sign that I have friends, and that if others do not approach me it is a sign that I do not have friends – not realizing that a balanced and sustainable relationship of any sorts cannot come out of a situation where one is constantly passive and the others are constantly active.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my need to socialize – the moment where I notice I am alone and would rather be with someone – by looking for signs of someone approaching me (checking facebook, email, phone, physical surroundings) and feeling satisfied/fulfilled when someone is approaching me or disappointed when I am not being approached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to not being approached by blaming myself (for not being good enough) and by blaming the world (for not giving me a good life).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the world owes me a “good life”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn my back to the world (the people) when it hasn't (they haven't) given me a “good life” in terms of the social dimension, thinking that “if they don't approach me, I don't have to approach them” - not realizing that I am in fact acting out of FEAR as I am afraid of being rejected if I take the “risk” of approaching another and thus revealing the fact that I (gasp!) like the person – as if it was a fucking secret! - and that the other person might be just as much in the need of company and just as afraid of reaching out to others to get it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize the unfairness of always expecting others to approach me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that friendships are created, upheld and developed while I passively sit on my ass and make no effort whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the answer to “why should I if others don't” in this case is that if I don't, the others never will.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it is my responsibility to ensure myself a fulfilling social life.

I commit myself to further explore and investigate the social dimension of life. (So far so good!)

I commit myself to enjoy the people around me, whoever they may be according to circumstance, by seeking how we could mutually both give and receive.

I commit myself to teach myself to approach others when I am in need of company.

Days 360-361: Fear of parents - a teacher dilemma

2911&01122013

Neither approach really works - and might not even really exist.

I commit myself to explore performing situations from the perspective of allowing others to witness my learning process through whatever mistakes and misgivings I manifest.

I commit myself to continue mapping out who I believe and perceive I should be and how I apply myself according to this belief/perception, and to thus investigate what is causing me to feel burdened, resulting in the pain/friction in my shoulders.

(From Day 358: SF on "Who I should be")

I return to the commitment statements above in the light of recent events. We had a little theatre show for the friends and family of the participants of the children's theatre course I am directing, and I had to talk to the audience, direct the situation and present myself as the director (“the one who carries main responsibility”). I was nervous and burdened by this, and it was visible in me as a general restlessness, seriousness and stabs of pain in my shoulders. I spoke to the audience from within the nervousness, but thanks to what I had written before I didn't take it as a self-judgement point, but realized that if nervousness is who I am right now, why not let others see that. I am young, inexperienced and new to many things, and I have in no way claimed to be a master at what I am doing, so exposing myself within my process of growing into a “professional” serves me better than attempting to hide it when it can't really be completely hidden anyway.

So the main points here are 1) my relationship to performing / being visible / gathering attention and 2) who I believe and perceive I “should be” as the director of this course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about performing in front of an audience because I was afraid I would not fulfill the expectations the audience (the parents – authorities/”owners” - of the course participants) and that my incompetence would be exposed.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the parents of the child “own” the child and thus have the right to dictate what the child is exposed to and how the child is educated, not realizing that this perception is extremely shortsighted as within it I accept and allow and excuse parents to raise their children as it pleases them even if the results would be destructive to the reality as a whole, simply because I am afraid to face the reaction of the parents when I question this paradigm of parenting and education.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider children as the future creators of our common world, not realizing that even if a child is raised shut out from the world according to what the educator believes and perceives the world to be, the child will still affect all of our shared reality as what is real is undeniably HERE no matter how much one would try to protect another from it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play along with the parents' fear of their children becoming messed up by “apologizing” for my position as a person of influence in their children's lives. (This point needs elaboration.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if the parents actually do have expectations towards me that I do not fulfill as who I am now – which I cannot know as this subject has not been discussed with the parents – it is not my responsibility if they react to their world not being what they wanted it to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not being what I believe and perceive others to want their world to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my belief/perception of “what parents want” out of the adults who direct their children is based on the assumption that parents are possessive of their children and afraid of the world “screwing them up” - because if I had children right now, this is who I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that with this assumption that parents are authoritative, possessive and protective I support parents to live this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my assumption of parents being authoritative, possessive and protective is visible in my actions as I am afraid of interacting with children as who I am but instead try to be who I believe and perceive I am expected to be (a “good educator”), thus not interacting with children relaxed, breathing and present but instead interacting through tension, fear and from a distance – thus allowing my fear of failure / fear of judgement flow directly to the children and through them into the world.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “director” to mean “the one who carries responsibility above everyone else”, within this charging the role of the director with expectations and assigning a single person work and responsibilities that should not and don't have to be carried by just one person but can in fact be shared among many individuals and some even by the group under directing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if the course “fails”, I am to blame, not realizing that there are numerous factors contributing to the outcome of the course, not just myself, and that I cannot thus pass all the responsibility of the outcome on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the course will be a “failure”, with this meaning that the kids will not learn anything / “enough” and that the kids will not enjoy the course, this resulting in the parents thinking it was a waste of their money, my seniors thinking I am not suited for this work and the children perceiving me as a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the kids will not learn “enough”, with this meaning enough to proceed into actual theatre projects and/or enough to understand what being an expressive human being is about – not realizing that especially the latter is quite the humongous goal to be achieved in just 9 months even if I'd meet them every single day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to “save” these children from the influence of the world, not realizing that I cannot save anyone as everyone ultimately makes their own choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to “save” others standing within and as the statement “don't be like that because you're ruining my world for me” - don't be a mess because life would be a lot more enjoyable (for me) if everyone got their shit together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust that the kids will learn something of value during this year as I have not realized that a human being's learning process is always running and cannot be switched off, but that what they learn might not be what I want them to learn but what I show them through my own living and application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being “ready” for teaching children and thus only teaching them my patterns of nervousness, not realizing that I am also showing them (indirectly through my application) my struggle and learning process with my misgivings, thus giving an example in self-correction, self-attention, self-forgiveness, self-responsibility and self-care. *

* Realizing this just now brought me to tears, because I don't really give myself any credit for the process I have already walked, but only blame myself for all the things that are yet unresolved. I've sometimes gotten feedback from others that they would love to have me teaching their children, or that they would have loved to have a teacher like me when they were children themselves, but I have never really understood why people say that and what on earth they see in me, and I have shoved this feedback aside by thinking that “I'm a fraud, they don't know that I really just suck as a person”. But I guess that admitting to being imperfect is a commendable quality in itself, as well as actively doing something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the kids will not enjoy the course, not realizing that they have shown no signs of such, quite the opposite: almost everyone attends each and every meeting and participates in every rehearsal we do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to read the signs of dissatisfaction that the kids do express and to act accordingly by addressing the issue and mapping out possible solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a point of self-judgement when/as/if a child expresses dissatisfaction during the course, not realizing that the dissatisfaction a child expresses is nothing personal towards me even though I am the one who has designed the activities but rather disdain towards the activity – a point I can then assist and support the child with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as no set of rehearsals can function perfectly for a large group of individuals, it is close to impossible to reach everyone's most potent learning zone with the same structure, and that in order for me to teach a group of this size within the time limit I have got, I need to adjust, re-evaluate and re-design my rehearsal structures according to the circumstances as I go: every meeting needs to be thought again.

I commit myself to focus on relaxing myself when I am directing the children by focusing on my breath.

I commit myself to investigate what I'm trying to hide from the children when and as I interact with them, for example by looking at what I avoid.

I commit myself to further investigate my fear of the children's parents.

I commit myself to map out the responsibilities I believe and perceive myself to have as the course director and to share what I can to others and let go of those that are imaginary.

I commit myself to design the course by mapping out through listening and communication where the children are standing, structuring the course on my basic principles but keeping in mind that process is a lifelong journey that might not show immense results in just a few months.

I commit myself to reserve myself an hour for reflection after the course meetings and an hour for planning before the next meeting.

Day 284: The moment of change

01082013

Today I faced a moment I have faced many times before. It's a moment of regret that comes right after hesitation and self-suppression when you realize the window of opportunity that was there has passed: in words the thought that goes through me is basically “you blew it”. It's a moment of violent self-hate and panic where I have had a tendency of either blaming myself for being an incompetent idiot, breaking down in tears and grieving over the opportunity I missed or finding a “solution” through some actions that might bring about the moment of opportunity again – or all of them. All of these outcomes are born when and as I recognize the situation to be “helpless” - when I believe and perceive that I cannot do anything to correct my mistake.

Today I walked away from a moment of hesitation and in a heartbeat realized I had missed a chance to express myself to another. In a few seconds as I kept on walking away I went through all the usual responses: I felt a wave of self-hate and blamed the outcome of the situation onto myself; I felt an urge to cry because I thought something had just been “lost”; and as a solution I thought of sending this person a message with what I had wanted to express – but then I realized: “That's not good enough. You can still catch him.” I put my bag down and started running.

I ran to catch the person and as I ran there was a moment of blank hesitation. I saw the person ahead of me and I thought: “What will he think of me?” “What will I even say?” “Why am I doing this?” “Should I just turn back before he notices me?” - and with the last thought I knew that I could not turn back, I would not accept and allow myself to do that anymore, I would no longer allow myself to suppress myself and regret all the things I leave unsaid and done. And I reached out my hand, caught him and expressed what I wanted to express.

I want to share this moment of actual lived change – not just change in words but in actions – because I see myself to have come a long way. When I started this process of writing about eleven months ago I was struggling with immense self-suppression, which pretty much crippled me in all of my relationships and made them impossible. As a result of the process of writing (daily self-reflection, self-forgiveness, self-correction) and the support of the people walking the process with me I have grown immensely in approximately a year's time: I am able to change the course of my life – I am able to take action – I am able to say: “enough of this bullshit!” and start running. Within these moments I become the change I write about.

Day 197: Believing judgement – a link to my mother

06042013

Alright. There is a mother point I have been looking at today, which I have remembered while sewing. I associate sewing very much with my mother because she taught me to sew when I asked her to in the age of 15. She is a seamstress by earlier profession and I find it very valuable that she has passed on her skill and knowledge to me (or at least some of it). Most of my time sewing has been spent with her under her guidance and supervision.

I remembered today how she, while teaching me in my teens, sometimes used to snap at me if I made a mistake while sewing. I for instance made a mistake cutting the fabric and she would react to it with displeasure (“harmi” in finnish), with a sharp and amplified voice – I can't remember the exact words she used but I remember the tone because she still uses it occasionally.

I realize she never did this to attack me or blame me, but was simply expressing her displeasure (“harmi”) towards the situation in which she would have to work extra to fix my mistake. She is/was impulsive in her behavior and expression and did not consider how I would as a child see her reaction.

The earliest memory I have of her doing this (reacting to my mistakes) is from when I was around 5-6 years old. She was teaching me how to bake and showing me how to break eggs. I had never broken an egg before and so I dropped some of the egg shells into the batter, and she reacted to this by showing her displeasure with sharp, loud words (maybe saying “no” or “not like that” or something) – and I instantly took this personally as if she was blaming me and telling me I was bad, and I ran off crying. She later comforted me and I calmed down, but I now see what actually happened wasn't really dealt with.

Now, this has been my reaction always, also when she taught me to sew as a teenager; only then I did not burst into tears but suppressed my self-blame (“she is blaming me” - “I'm not doing well” - “I'm bad at this”) and I started talking back at her. My response to my mother exerting her emotions on me has been to counter-attack – and this pattern repeats in other instances of receiving feedback as well. Right now as I think of it I can draw up many memories from for example theatre and and restaurant work where I have refused to take feedback but instead started talking back, making excuses and explanations and casting responsibility on others. So the rebellion is a survival mechanism with which I avoid facing my self-blame but instead blame others for being “wrong”.

I now see that this pattern has been created upon the misunderstanding of a child. As a 5-year-old I was simply unable to comprehend (due to undeveloped cognition) that my mother's reaction was not caused by me and that her blame was not directed to me but to herself. So I have carried this misunderstanding onto the rest of my life where I have believed that if another judges me (or I perceive another to judge me) I must have made a mistake; if another reacts I am to blame.

Fascinating. I am now glad to have this realization written down, and I commit myself to expand on it in later writings.

Day 194: Communication patterns from parents

03042013

I realized which communication patterns I have picked up from my parents and how. I was thinking about a situation where I refrained from telling something relevant to another by planning and preparing until I was absolutely certain that what I was telling was fully covered and could not be changed. I could've shared the info a couple of months earlier, but I wanted to be “sure” and so the information ended up being a bit of a shock to the other.

I then remembered that this is what my father does – this is what I have witnessed him do for all of my life – being “absolutely certain” was a trait of his “father character”. I have seen him disguise his fear as certainty by planning way ahead, having all emergency exits and explanations covered before he mentions anything to anyone. This has led to many destructive situations.

So I turned to thinking about my mother and what communication patterns have I picked up from her. I saw that unlike my father she hasn't been that much of a planner, but she has been one to blurt things out of her mouth in emotional turmoil and then feel ashamed and guilty for it. So there's a pattern of self-blame.

It is fascinating as I now combine these and look at how they have manifested in me. I have learned from both that speaking up and following your initial impulse is not a good thing – it is to be feared. Following the impulse might lead to self-humiliation. The survival mechanisms my parents have utilized have been different (attempting to control – succumbing to control), but the core reason has been the same. My father has been at war to save his face while my mother has given up the battle before it even begun.

I have throughout my life planned interactions extensively to such a point where I haven't been sure whether a discussion has actually happened or not. This is really creepy because it fits the description of psychosis (losing touch with the external reality). I still do this to some extent, but it has decreased by some amount after I started walking my process.

And when it comes to the mother pattern, I haven't been that conscious of my words being “inappropriate” or something and I don't see myself to have been a “blurter” – but when I have perceived myself to have made a mistake or failed, I have taken it extremely hard and personally. The humiliation and shame has been crushing. As far as I recall the moments when I have felt humiliation have been moments where I have had other kids around me and created/intensified this feeling through their reactions.

When I look at the father pattern I can see that it is caused by a fear of conflict / chaos which is why the need to control the situation is imposed through planning. I fear that if I do not have all of my bases covered the other might attack a “weak spot”. I do this planning by reviewing things I would like to say based on the image/format/shape I have of the other in my mind: “how would he/she react to this?” And before I know it I play out entire situations as a puppet show in my mind and only then try them out in real life – which quite often is then no longer possible or doesn't work out because of the planning itself.

The mother pattern comes from my mother's (and her mother's and her mother's and her mother's and so forth) childhood experiences where she was violently “put into her place” and she learned to survive by succumbing and making herself as small as possible. So when I react to a mistake/failure by making myself small/weak/guilty I am trying to escape/survive the punishment that my environment is apparently going to give me.

So next I've got to look at how these manifest in my practical living and how they can be changed.