Days 329-331: Attraction, part 7 - resentment

This post is a direct continuation to:

Day 328: Attraction, part 6 - intermission

And a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

 07102013

“The thing is, I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's behind the resentment?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I am attracted towards a person I “should” approach him/her and that if I resent a person I “shouldn't” approach him/her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my feeling of attraction/resentment is a sign/proof/evidence of another person's compatibility/incompatibility with me, not realizing that what I feel within me is in no way directly connected to the qualities of another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that another person is responsible for my feeling of attraction/resentment, not realizing that I create the feeling whereas the other person only acts as a trigger to the patterns I live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify including in my life only those whom I feel comfortable with and excluding those whom I feel uncomfortable with, because I have believed and perceived that it is “natural” for people to be drawn towards some and pulled away from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by believing it is “natural” to like some and dislike others, I separate myself from this reality by refusing to include all kinds of people in “my world” - the subjective reality I create by piecing together my life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though it is very common for people to like some and dislike others, this is not how things ought to “naturally” be, as it creates rivalry, competition and separation and alienates people from the reality that withholds ALL kinds of people, not just the people that one finds pleasing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order for me to ever have a somewhat reliable and truthful view of the world, I need to interact with all kinds of people, because every single one needs to be considered when directing myself/the world towards a future that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the things I resent are outside of my comfort zone, which is an indicator of a lesson to be learned, an opportunity to expand my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace resentment as an opportunity for growth.

I am now thinking of a model of learning created by a russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky. He placed three circles inside each other and dubbed the innermost “Comfort Zone”, the second layer “Learning Zone”, and the third one “Panic Zone”. The point in the model is that when one is faced with suitably sized challenges, one will learn – and when the challenge is too big, learning becomes impossible. I am comparing my situation with this model and thinking whether or not these challenges are “too big” for me to handle and what kind of support I need to get through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent because I have focused on what I dislike about the person and used it as an excuse to stay within my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have reacted with fear to another person, to search for and focus on the “flaws” I find in the person and then use these “flaws” as an excuse to keep the person away from me – not realizing that I am actually running away from my fear, which I ignored in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and cover up the fear reaction that occurs in me when and as I create resentment towards another person.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I reacted with fear when X asked me out and that every thought I had about the situation from that point onwards was influenced by that fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent agreeing to go on a date with X because I believed my resentment to be founded on facts (who the other actually is), not realizing that my resentment is founded on excuses, assumptions and interpretations as I have only met the person a couple of times and thus cannot say that I have any real idea of who he actually is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that when X asked me out, my experience/thought was “oh fuck no, not him as well”, within that moment my perception of him collapsing and changing from neutral/friendly into one loaded with sex/relationshit/assumptions/fear/resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my attitude/approach to romantic interest that is fucked up, not the situation itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a person expressing their interest towards me with whatever means they have learned to be “appropriate” (i.e. asking me out for a date) is this person's self-expression and nothing personal towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened whenever someone expresses their interest towards me, feeling somehow obligated to not “hurt” them.

• A memory of couple dancing lessons from school (at the age of 13-14). We were told that if someone comes to ask you to dance, it is incredibly impolite to refuse. We were told that everyone should have that one dance, and after that it is OK to refuse to dance anymore. This felt suffocating to me because I imagined all the worst-case scenarios of having “creepy” and “disgusting” boys/men come over to me and me being obligated to dance with them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent dancing with people whom I have defined as “disgusting”, not realizing that my definition is based on the fear reaction I initially have towards these people, from which point onwards I search for their “flaws” and create resentment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the people I have defined as “disgusting” are not in fact disgusting but that my experience towards them is, and that therefore I cannot blame them for being disgusting but myself for creating that experience within myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the chance to face my own fears when and as I have been approached by people I have feared, resented and justified feeling disgusted towards.

--

08102013

I realize there are some words and terms that I am now reacting to. They are:

• date / dating (in finnish: treffit)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word “date” (“treffit”) to mean such an event where two people meet each other with expectations, hopes and wishes of romance, sex, intimacy, company and partnership, which makes them blind to what is actually HERE (who the people actually are) as everything within the meeting is filtered through the expectations, hopes and wishes – anticipation - making it impossible for the situation to end up in anything but disappointment or fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if I go on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone who has expectations, hopes and wishes about the situation, I don't have to position myself towards the situation in a similar manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I go onto a “date” (“treffit”) with expectations, hopes and wishes that are directed towards the other person, I am (indirectly) asking for the other to fulfill my desires, to feed my addiction, to be what I am not to myself – and that I am thus living as a beggar only caring about my self-interest and seeing the other as a “tool” to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a “date” (“treffit”) does not have to include expectations directed towards the other, and that instead I can go onto a date without expectations, with no desire, plan or a goal of what I would like to do with the person, and through getting to know the person create the interaction moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone whom I perceive and believe to be “begging” me for something (directing his/her expectations towards me) because I have felt like I am obligated to not “hurt” that person and that I am thus “powerless” in front of their desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that living according to a thought pattern where I cannot “hurt” the other by being honest and refusing to participate in their energy possessions, I make myself a victim of abuse. [This is how people get raped, for example.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “hurtful” experience of another is in fact created by the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry responsibility for “hurting people” when I have been honest and not participated in their romantic/lustful energy possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people getting disappointed because they might exert and blame their experience on me, and thus rather try and keep people from getting disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when another person reacts to their “energy train” hitting the wall and crumbling away, I am of most support to the person by keeping myself stable and NOT by giving into fear and trying to get their energy up and running again.

When and as I react with fear to another's disappointment (as expressed through anger, depression, spite etc.) - I stop, I breathe and I realize that the fear is a remnant of a thought pattern that is no longer functional. I realize that by giving into my fear and trying to “soften the blow” for the other I will only make the situation worse. I remind myself that by keeping myself stable and focusing on forgiving and releasing my own reaction I am of most support to the other as well as to myself. I focus on my breath and on my body, letting go of all tension that occurs. I allow the other to express their disappointment, and when/as/if they are done expressing themselves, I will move myself according to self-honesty.

--

09102013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even the people I am overwhelmingly attracted to do in fact have “flaws” that I pick up - they are not perfect as opposed to those I resent – but that I am too busy with my experience of “falling in love” to pay attention to and define them according to these “flaws” YET.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that each and every person has lessons to offer me as there are points in every person I react to with fear. [In theory I guess it's possible that those points might run out eventually, at least with some individuals, at least for a while.]

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I look at these dates I have now agreed to attend I have expectations myself, and that even though they are not positive expectations but negative ones (fear, standing back, keeping a distance, being wary, expecting the worst, being in escape mode, keeping an emergency exit, “what if things go wrong”) they do in fact influence my positioning in the situation – they are the polarity of positive expectations and carry the exact same amount of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for having expectations towards a meeting when I have had expectations all the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand that others take care of their shit so that I wouldn't have to deal with mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that these dates will “not go well”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that these dates will “not go well” because then I'd have an excuse not to face the fears the other triggers in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that when I invite Y to my house he will try to take advantage of the situation, not realizing that I base this expectation on who I believe him to be – the two-dimensional paper doll labeled “Y” I have painted within my mind – and not on who he actually is because I don't really know him all that much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter my perception of Y through the initial fear he triggered in me through some romantic gesture some weeks ago, thus ignoring all the “signs” that tell me he might as well be a decent person that I can trust to not be an abusive asshole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused, not realizing that I accept and allow abuse to happen throughout the interaction that leads up to the act of abuse by making myself less than who I am.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” because I have perceived and believed them to be a sign of the other having expectations, hopes and wishes towards me, not realizing that no matter the other's intentions these “romantic gestures” are only “romantic” if I believe them to be, and that in essence they are just actions: giving a “romantic gift” is just giving a gift, a “kiss on the hand” is just a kiss on a body part, “sweet-talking” is just giving a compliment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” just as I reacted to X's dating proposal: with my stance collapsing from neutral/friendly into negative expectations, “oh fuck he wants something from me”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if another person wants something from me I am somehow responsible for it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be burdened by other people's desires, not realizing that even if the desires are directed towards me I am still not connected to those desires – I am just the trigger for who the other one is as behavioral and mental patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “romantic gestures” are the self-expression of another, which is nothing personal towards me (even if the other personifies their feelings with their image of me) and that I do not have to participate in them in any way whatsoever if I so choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a “romantic gesture” as a sign of “who I need to / am expected to be” and not as an indicator of who the other one is.

I commit myself to participate in these dates aware of my own movements, not blaming my reactions on the other but bringing them back to myself.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stand clear within these meetings by focusing on my breath and taking note of any and all reactions that may occur.

I commit myself to expect others to be no less than the best they can be.

Day 227: Unraveling dependency - a new perspective

07052013

nobody likes me - http://efana.deviantart.com/art/Spikes-30DC-258571057

“God, I'm so sick and tired of this point reoccurring!” Good. That means I am willing to move on. So what is it that I am holding onto? What is it that I am unwilling to let go?

I have used people to create a sense of stability, certainty and self-worth. I have done this ever since high school when I got “real” friends as compared to those I had had throughout my preliminary education. I was so happy to have friends that actually liked me and wanted to hang out with me that I completely imprinted on them and got dependent on them – and I never realized that the reason people wanted to hang out with me was that I was likable – not that they were kind enough to stick around. This dependency of mine became a strain every now and then and I realized I couldn't rely on my friends because they had lives of their own. Instead I turned to romantic relationships – they were about lifelong commitment, right? - to fulfill my need to rely on others.

This pattern still prevails. When I do not have any romantic sizzle going on, I turn to friends – when I am in a relationship, I fully hold onto that one person. And this is because I fear loneliness, I fear myself, I fear facing myself, I do not rely on myself. There's this sense of dread and panic when I realize that there is no one here I could turn to with a plausible excuse, when I realize that it would be the best course of action if I just staid alone right now – I can't breathe, the walls start coming in, the room seems darker, the world's more distant. It's like everything around me turns into a frightening demon – when in fact the demon is me.

These moments when the night is falling but it's not completely dark yet are the worst. It's a reminder that the darkness is coming and that the electric light indoors is not enough to resemble the day. My fallacies, illusions, tricks, beliefs and imagery are not enough to blind me from reality – the darkness of the utter, inescapable state of being ALONE.

It has been difficult for me to face the fact that I am just one, I am just me, I am nobody else no matter how much I live through others to make my life seem fulfilling. This means I hold all responsibility of myself, as does everyone of themselves respectively, and that I cannot escape myself anymore.

I am horribly afraid to admit the fact that I am dependent on people and the social relations I have defined “safe”. I fear that when I admit this people will run away screaming. I fear I will be judged and find no support. I fear I will be digging my own grave by admitting my flaws. I fear that by admitting my dependency on people I will lose all contact with people. But this is to pass the responsibility. This is to blame others for possible consequences. If others were to run away, it would be an opportunity for me to learn to be self-supported – not a grave, not the end of the world, not death – even though it would be “the death” of who I used to be.

I feel like I am not enough for myself. I am leaving for this trip and I fear that I will be disappointed with my own company when there is no one familiar there to validate my self-worth. When there is no familiar face to smile at me will I crumble away? If this is the case, who am I then within all my familiar social relations, if not an attention addict begging for others to keep me standing? Who the fuck am I to do that, to beg, to abuse, to wither helpless and whimpering, helpless as a child given up on everything? Who am I to curl up privileged and limp, clogged within my self-interest?

It is weird to write and read these words because I feel like I am looking at a child – and that is who I am, who we all are who have not yet learned to stand nor walk. I am not yet grown. I have posture to find, steps to take, balance to weigh, rhythm to try.

Before I can move myself as a functioning human being I've got to first learn how to stand. I've got to let go of the hands of others, take a breath and make a leap into the darkness of being ALONE. If I fall, I get back up and try again. Eventually I will find the balance, the step, the pace.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live through relationships of dependency where I have asked for others to carry me through life so that I would never have to face myself, carry myself, move myself, make decisions for myself or take responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as a cancer cell within the human kind as I have used, abused and consumed other people instead of being a single, individual cell unattached to others and thus functional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feed on the “life force” of others – the activeness, self-honesty, uncompromisingness, self-expression and self-directedness I've seen manifested in others – by making my life experience reliant on the presence and company of others and the lives they live, seeing no life for myself without/beyond these people as most of my time and energy is spent on wanting to be with them, fearing to lose them, fantasizing about being with them and, eventually, being with them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear admitting having been extremely dependent on others because I have feared facing the shame of revealing myself to myself, this justified with the fear that others will “judge” me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in one of my previous partnerships to manifest dependency by defining the attention, affection and appreciation of another to be the only source of acceptance for me, feeling as if I had been “saved” from loneliness and from the compulsory competition to find a partner, thus within an extended period of time building this relationship into my “nest” and stability point, without which I perceived myself to be unable to live, as if I no longer existed as an individual – all of this from the starting point of not gifting myself with self-acceptance as I believed acceptance had to be found through other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that behind my dependency is the gratification I get from the approval of others – that small moment of joy when another gives me confirmation that my company is enjoyed – because I have not seen myself to be “likable”, “enjoyable”, “nice”, “cool” or any other kind of an acceptable being and believed this experience of being accepted only to be found with/through other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that by telling myself “I am fun to be around!” I will start seeing myself as fun to be around – not realizing that spouting mantras will only cover up the real reasons behind my negative self-definition as they never address the problem and thus never offer a solution – mantras simply repeat the outcome but do not offer the tools to actually get there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that people will abandon me because I have been unable to comprehend why anyone would want to spend time with me because of my negative self-definition, believing that people spend time with me out of pity and duty or because they plan to hurt/abuse me and not because they actually enjoy my company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my friends to like me for who I am and fear that they will abandon me, thus having to constantly remind myself that “he/she does really like me!” - not realizing this too is a mantra because I do not fully believe these words and try to make them real by repeating them enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a big deal that I am liked, not realizing that it is quite common for people to like each other, and that people liking each other is actually most likely the closest we'll get to a “natural” state of social interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify the fact that another likes me, not realizing that this simply means that we have shed fear from our interaction (or at least most of it) – and that people liking each other is thus not “more” but is actually less as there is less shit inbetween us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to how much people appear to like me, not realizing that me being liked has actually nothing to do with me in fact, because when one's company is enjoyed (without dependency/addiction) it is a sign that the interaction is fearless – not that I am something “more” or that my “likability status” has been upgraded, but that the interaction between me and another is developing towards trust – which is not “who I am” per se but the movement of who I am and who the other is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another likes / dislikes me, not realizing this to be an indicator of the amount of fear in the other's starting point and not a statement of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it to be about the other when I like / dislike another, not realizing this to be an indicator of the amount of fear in my starting point.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive my experience of liking another is caused by the other, not realizing that I am creating the experience by allowing myself to interact with the other as myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive my experience of disliking another is caused by the other, not realizing that I am creating the experience by not allowing myself to interact with the other as myself because of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify those whom I have liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those whom I have disliked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be glorified by others as the cause of their experience of liking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being judged by others as the cause of their experience of disliking me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot take credit for the experience of another no matter how willing they'd be to hand it over to me.

I've come a bit far from what I originally wrote about, but this is really cool – I started to unravel a new point by writing through this anxious experience/emotion I was within and just going with it, pushing myself as I realized a new point was beginning to open up. This has actually been tremendous help.

I commit myself to embrace the moments when I enjoy the company of others – and the company of myself with others! - from the starting point of realizing we are now here without fear and seeing the vast possibilities within such moments.

When and as another expresses that they like / dislike me in direct or indirect communication, I commit myself to remind myself this is nothing personal towards me but more an indicator of who the other is, and that I should not glorify / judge myself according to this because I would then be claiming credit for the experience of another.

I commit myself to flag the moments where I experience myself to like / dislike another and to stop, breathe and look into myself to see if I am passing the blame/credit on the other in order to realize this experience is an indicator of who I am and not who the other is.

I commit myself to investigate and further open up this point of what makes me “likable” and to show myself my company is in fact enjoyable by allowing myself to be in my presence – not by repeating mantras that separate me from myself by not addressing what is here and instead focusing on “what I should be”.