Day 358: SF on "Who should I be?" - group work and competitiveness

25112013

This post is a continuation to my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself a “choir personality” - a survival system to get me through the challenge of a new environment – within which I am social, active, funny, encouraging and driven by the desire to succeed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be a good singer within the choir as I have been afraid of being the “weak link” in a group.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to develop the fear of being the “weakest” in a group out of childhood experiences in school gymnastics classes where I did not measure up to other kids.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear group work because I might appear the “weakest” (a loser).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to work in a group when and as I have believed and perceived I would be one of the “strong players” (winners).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I enjoy group work and that I am good at group work, not realizing that my prominent experiences from group work are such where I have been a “strong player” and thus have felt confident and good about myself, which has made it easy for me to feel good about the work done in a group.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have only perceived myself to be “good at group work” when I have been “winning”.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the many occasions when I have been a “weak link” in a group and consequently not a functioning team player (fearful, competitive, spiteful).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to superimpose my self-standards (being appreciated by others) on the group I am working with, expecting and demanding them to be what I want them to be so that I wouldn't face bad consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “failing” in front of an audience: doing something that will break the illusion of an artist/performer as a god-like superhuman that cannot fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I fail in front of an audience that expects me to succeed I will be judged.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that every individual in an audience expects me to succeed / to not fail.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when an audience member's expectations are not met by disrupting an experience with something unexpected, all the individuals in the audience will react with disdain, irritation and/or anger and believe and perceive that it is my fault that they reacted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a stereotype of an audience member / a spectator, believing and perceiving that everyone who passively looks at a performance of any kind does not want to be interrupted or challenged because they expect to be allowed to remain passive and find it vexing when it is not allowed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label this act of allowing another to remain within their comfort zone while providing the kind of stimuli they expect as entertainment, not questioning the need to be entertained nor the profession of entertaining.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a learning process comprises almost completely of mistakes, and that making mistakes is thus not a negative thing as it can be used to develop understanding and skill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others seeing my mistakes, not realizing that others witnessing my learning process is not a bad thing but is in fact educational for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if a performance goes exactly as planned, everything that I'm yet to master is still visible to the audience that sees me, whether they're consciously taking it in or not and whether I'm aware of my misgivings or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hiding my mistakes and misgivings is not possible and that if I try I will only show others my fear of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though it would benefit the entire choir if the people doing the gigs would do their job carefully, if I press the point through my fear of failure I will only create resentment, and that even if I discussed the point through practicality I cannot ultimately make others perform well but can only focus on my own application.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will fail in life (not survive).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire succeeding in life (surviving).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that life is a linear story in which the end result is what matters and defines how well my life has been lived, not realizing that life exists only in the NOW moment, within and as this moment of consciousness where I as the will within this organism called the human body am in constant motion, and that life is not measured only in the end result at the moment of my death somewhere in the future but in every moment that I am alive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that life is a competition where I need to succeed in order to “make it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to become a competent human being I do NOT need to outrun everyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I attempt to outrun others out of fear of losing to others, I am abusing myself, eating myself up with fear and stress and thus sabotaging myself and making way for my own failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is possible to become skilled and competent by becoming what the skill requires – changing who I am and living out the consequence – instead of pushing myself towards an ideal through self-judgement without figuring out the practical steps to get there.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though life is about “competing with myself” to see and realize what my potential is and understand how to live up to it, life is in fact NOT about competing with other living beings because we as a whole form one big living organism – humanity / the Earth / the universe - which functions best if its particles work together and not for themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I live according to my self-interest at the expense of other life forms, competing to become the best and the biggest, I am the cancer cell in this organism feeding on other cells, either taking down the entire organism as the cancer spreads through my influence or being eventually removed so that the organism may keep on living.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that competitiveness is considered a positive trait only within the human consciousness system - in the conceptual reality we live out through our minds – and that when looking at nature it is not competitiveness that we see in ecosystems that thrive but co-operation, development, support and sharing that leads to progress and prosperity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the human species has proven itself to be the “king” of all species by being competitive within itself and with other life forms and thus conquering land, developing technology and making scientific breakthroughs, and that competitiveness is thus a positive trait – not realizing that while doing so the human species has eaten up most of the Earth's resources and thrived at the expense of ALL LIFE even though it appears as if the human species has been “successful”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question my desire to compete.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself goals on what I need to achieve during my life as a measurement of success, feeling that if I would now die without achieving those goals I would have failed in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my life will have had worth only if I achieve something “big” (a clear improvement in the field of life I am able to influence).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to imagine life being a game of tasks of different sizes, difficulties and rewards, thus giving bigger value to tasks that are “bigger” (improving the world) and not valuing the tasks that are “small” (breathing) – not realizing that since all that exists is the NOW moment, what may or may not happen in the future is not relevant, but only what I do HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if my focus is in the future, my focus is not in the present moment in my present actions, and that my actions are thus half-assed as my focus is not fully HERE.

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I commit myself to explore group work from the perspective of co-operation instead of competition.

I commit myself to investigate how power dynamics within a group could be supportive for all, so that the “strongest” would utilize their strength to assist the “weakest”.

I commit myself to map out how I manifest competitiveness and how I manifest co-operation within the groups I am working in at the moment (choir, theatre, university, dancing group, work, organizations, friends and all the sub-groups within these).

I commit myself to explore performing situations from the perspective of allowing others to witness my learning process through whatever mistakes and misgivings I manifest.

I commit myself to continue mapping out who I believe and perceive I should be and how I apply myself according to this belief/perception, and to thus investigate what is causing me to feel burdened, resulting in the pain/friction in my shoulders.

I commit myself to make a written note of all situations where I see myself competing (fear of failure / desire to succeed) and to investigate them with written or spoken introspection.

I commit myself to teach myself to map out my goals through practical steps and realistic timelines, starting with the projects I am working on now (e.g. studying).

Days 313-315: Singing to impress

12-14092013

I am bothered by a choir audition I went to, which is one of the things I mentioned in my previous post. I was surprised by the fact that I got nervous in the audition, and as I was nervous and my core muscles were trembling, my singing wasn't the best it can be and my voice was shaking a little. There are two points here to look at: a) why I got nervous at all, and b) why I take “failure” so harshly.

After years and years of practice in performing I rarely get as nervous anymore as I did yesterday. Mostly I can trust myself to know what I'm doing and to figure it out if I don't. I wasn't nervous about the audition until I heard that a friend of mine would be in the jury. The fact that there was something personal on the line increased the “stakes”: convincing someone I know personally of my skill, of my value, is more important to me than convincing a roomful of strangers. This is why I would, for example, have my most “special” friends come see me perform something rather than have a hundred strange faces looking at me. This is because my attachment/attraction towards a person makes them appear “more important”: both failure and success feel “bigger”, because I believe I risk losing the appreciation and company of a friend if I fail in their presence, and on the other end I believe that if I succeed in their eyes I will confirm and strengthen the relationship.

This starting point led me to interpreting the reactions of the jury through my fear of failure / desire to succeed. Certain expressions that I interpreted as “judgmental” or “not impressed” are flashing in my mind again and again like snapshots, and I realize that these memory-images in my mind are not an actual photographic evidence of what the situation was in reality. I realize that what I'm carrying with me and holding onto as “signs” of my “failure” are not in fact what happened, but my filtered view of what I perceive and believe to have happened – random moments that I decided to burn into my memory because of what I believe I saw in them.

One reason this bothers me so is that I have to wait for the results of the audition for two weeks. If I would get the results straight away I could use them to determine whether I “succeeded” or “failed”. So instead of finding balance through self-honest self-assessment I torture myself with insecurity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for getting nervous, thinking that I “should have” not been nervous because I've had a lot of practice in performing, not realizing that I am whipping myself for not living up to an ideal I have created for myself – the self-image I would like to be for real – and that when I am goal-oriented I only see the end result and not how to get there, which ends up with me trying to force myself into a mold I don't know how to fit myself into, like trying to shove a cube into a round hole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself for getting nervous, getting disappointed with myself for not living up to my own expectations, not realizing that my expectations were constructed on assumptions that did not take into account all the factors there are to a situation (for example, all the hidden points I am not yet aware of) and that my expectations are thus always bound to be flawed one way or another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect various things out of myself and from others, not realizing that my expectations are never exactly correct – at best they're my best guess – and that as I live according to my expectations I bind myself to inevitable disappointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that after several years of practice in performing I should have already mastered it, not realizing that because performance in its essence is to reveal myself to others – which constantly reveals new aspects of myself to myself - it is a life-long process that I can probably never during this life be entirely “done” with, let alone in a couple of decades.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to the information that my friend would be in the jury, from that moment onwards accepting and allowing my reaction to accumulate into underlying nervousness which reached its peak during the audition.

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Here I walked the point of my relationship towards this friend in specific SF in private. It helped me see why exactly his presence got me nervous: without going into details I was hiding my experience about this person from myself and thus silently accumulated the energy of that experience until it erupted in an uncontrollable way (nervousness). While writing I realized what it was about and I will now explore my relationship with this person while being self-aware of who I am in his presence.

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The fact that there was something personal on the line increased the “stakes”: convincing someone I know personally of my skill, of my value, is more important to me than convincing a roomful of strangers. This is why I would, for example, rather have my most “special” friends come see me perform rather than have a hundred strange faces looking at me. This is because my attachment/attraction towards a person makes them appear “more important”: both failure and success feel “bigger”, because I believe I risk losing the appreciation and company of a friend if I fail in their presence, and on the other end I believe that if I succeed in their eyes I will confirm and strengthen the relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to “shine” in the eyes of another as I have believed and perceived that by doing so I will “confirm” our friendship – that the other will not want to walk away from me if I convince him/her that I am “good enough”.

Now, this point intrigues me. It keeps on reappearing in different circumstances and in different shapes and sizes, but the base point is the same: “Do not abandon me. Please don't leave me. Please tell me I'm alright.” I keep returning to this point because I am not sure where it comes from. There are no major events of abandonment in my childhood and I had a very supportive family, and all that I can think of are events from later on in my life. When I was around 10 years old all of my friends turned their backs on me because I was “weird” (I was somehow behaving “out of line”) and I took this sudden loneliness really harshly. I used this event and the emotional pain that I experienced then as a source for my upcoming depression, anxiety and introversion. The thing that eludes me is: how did I decide to start begging for acceptance through my skills and traits? That's not the reason I started having friends again later on. I didn't somehow enchant the people who became my friends: we just “ended up” together because in a school environment you don't really have much choice.

So what I'm asking of myself is to look at my past and search for events where I would have felt accepted because of a skill, trait or quality of mine that I got positive feedback of. I find this essential because through this belief that I can convince others to like me I have created a survival mechanism of “pulling the tricks” to avoid facing my fear of “losing” another person – and my dependency/attraction towards the other. Instead of asking myself: “hang on, why do I react to the possibility of this person not being present in my life?” I instantly believe and validate my fear and my “need” for this person to be around.

Days 298-300: Ego as an Idol

24-26082013

For the past two days I've been writing about a situation in which I accepted and allowed my ego to lead me blindly into seeking fame and glory at the expense of children. I was asked to be a judge in a children's singing contest and also to speak to the audience on behalf of the entire jury. I did all of this and in my own terms I managed “well”, I was pretty to look at and comfortable to listen to, I was setting an “admirable” example to the children, I was making the “right” choice on the winners – except that this is all bullshit. I justified participating in a system (competition) that supports inequality and creates separation by thinking that this way the children “get experience on performing” (which they could actually get in a simple concert without the setting of a contest) and all the while the reason I really wanted to be there was to be seen, to show off myself and build a self-image of an admirable public figure.

The consequence of this was that I became anxious and paranoid while walking in the middle of the crowd because I started judging myself on how “well” I did on the speech and the appearance and then projected my self-judgement on others and believed them to now think less of me. I could not stand the eyes I imagined to have been on me and I had to leave.

When I was writing through all this (in extensive and messy writings which I will not publish) I came across self-hate when I realized what I had done. I need to forgive myself for falling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate, despise and loathe myself when and as I realized I had listened to my ego when making a decision to participate in the contest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-hate will not assist and support me to grow as a being because hate is an act of holding on to the past and judging myself in the present (and future, “I will never be good enough”) according to who I was.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-hate will not assist and support me to move on because from within hate I cannot truly forgive myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I should lash myself into “being a better person” through guilt, shame and self-hate, not realizing that doing so is an act of punishing myself which will eventually kill me, either through exhaustion or through the culmination of self-hate in suicide.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not have mercy on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making mistakes is inevitable, and that the way to deal with mistakes is not to hate myself (which will only incapacitate me and make me “even less” than I already am within my moment of falling) but to recognize the consequences of my mistake and to carry responsibility for them.

I commit myself to consider participating in contests like this from a wider perspective: what are the implications of the existence of a contest like this? What is a children's singing contest as a system? What does it serve? What are the consequences for the children? What are the consequences for the families? Who are the parents that bring their children to contests like this? Who are the children we see competing? What would rewarding one individual do for him/her and what would it do for another? [I will shortly write an essay on what I saw and have seen about all this.]

If I am asked to participate in a contest like this again, I commit myself to consider what my field of influence there would be and decide my participation accordingly; I also commit myself to discuss the purpose and necessity of a children's singing contest with the people arranging it.

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Another thing I went through is my desire to be famous, which I have already written about quite a lot. I realized that there is a certain set of memories I need to go through to access the root of this desire, which is in the birth of my self-hate when I compared myself to my sister and later on to my female friends.

Some SF on fame I wrote earlier:

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be famous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be famous because I wanted to be loved by as many people as possible – I wanted to make sure everyone liked me, or that enough people liked me so that I'd be “untouchable” / immune to judgement.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the energetic “high” I would get from the adoration of the public would be the only way for me to ever handle negative attention because it would act as a “buffer” or a “shield” as long as many enough people were there to “accept” me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am “too weak” to handle negative attention and that to deal with it I “need” the “love” of the audience (the confirmation that I am “good enough”).
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have actually been escaping my tendency to take negative attention personally and avoiding facing this point by blaming my reaction on others and avoiding ever facing what the negative attention (bullying) actually was.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have been reaching for fame so that it would work as a “shield” to protect me from bullying or, in fact, my own self-judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that being exposed to many people's attention would bring me acceptance because I had a skill (singing) that everyone I had met so far had appreciated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I could expose as many people as possible to my skills I would be accepted and loved by all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I was actually seeking from fame was the acceptance I was not giving myself; a placebo to my self-hate. [Note to self: the birth of my self-hate would be a good point to open up – specific memories of a certain era to be mapped out.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the acceptance I would receive from the audience would never be enough to sustain me throughout my life AND death because in essence I am alone – I'm born alone, I breathe alone, I die alone; if I were to depend on others for sustenance I would have to keep on pulling the tricks that bring out positive reactions from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “adoration”, “love” and “acceptance” that I have believed and perceived myself to be getting from the people who admired me was actually me taking the reactions and experiences of others personally, believing I was the cause of another's experience when in fact I was “just” the trigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to look at me with adoration and submission instead of hate, ridicule and dominance – not realizing that I would just be exerting a sugar-coated revenge by dominating others in turn as I did not see, realize and understand that I could be equal with others as I had never seen an example of equality.

I commit myself to proceed next onto going through these memories of how I came to hate myself as a child/adolescent.

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Forgiving the ego point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like I was doing “the right thing” when I got compliments about my appearance, thinking that it was justified for me to be doing the judging/performing/appearance because I was so good at it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that by looking pretty, calm and composed I would be a good example for the children, not realizing that the children pick up who I live as, not who I appear to be, and that because I was appearing pretty, calm and composed as an image driven by the ego this is what the children will learn: to appear confident because it is a part of their self-image and because they're afraid of being anything else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “letting loose” (expressing myself however the hell I wanted) in front of the audience because I wanted to maintain an appearance and feared that breaking that appearance would mean that I would no longer be appreciated or respected.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I need to appear serene, beautiful, calm, balanced and stable to be the kind of a public figure that everyone would respect / not hate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being exposed to the public because some people might not like me and exert their disapproval on me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I am exposed to the public as myself I am bound to not be liked by all as the things I have to say/express are such that not everyone wants to hear; someone is bound to react.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to be liked by everyone I would have to keep on changing my appearance according to my audience and that this way of living would be based on dishonesty: I would live as a multitude of characters instead of living as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the price I pay for “being safe” is too much; it is not worth sacrificing myself for.

I commit myself to flag any and all moments when I see myself limiting my expression for the sake of my appearance and to investigate them in writing.

When and as I see myself limiting my expression for the sake of my appearance – thinking/experiencing “I have to do this” or “I cannot do this” - I stop, I breathe and I realize I am living as my ego and serving my self-image. I ask myself: what am I trying to portray and why? I answer myself in self-honesty, not accepting or allowing myself to believe any bullshit excuses or justifications, demanding myself for the truth. I forgive myself for whatever I find, allowing myself to face and realize who I am within the moment, yet understanding that we all make mistakes and that now that I see mine I am able to make amends. I look at the consequences of this self-limitation and I carry my responsibility for what I have caused, within or outside of myself.

I commit myself to carry on with my process in order to become an example I would be happy to have children live by, and I commit myself to settle for no less.

Day 249: Fear of exposing myself through singing

02-032013

Singing at my father's wedding in 2011.

Today I faced an interesting fear. I was spending my day on a nice, calm residential area and had no plans but to sit around reading and writing and maybe connecting with people if I got the chance to. I ended up sitting next to the local subway station and while I was watching the people flow by I realized that this would be a perfect spot and a perfect moment for street performing, which I had planned on doing during my trip if I got the chance and if I started to run out of money. I had thought about doing this a couple times before, but I had always had an excuse not to, but this time I had all the practical elements in order and so there were no excuses left not to do it.

Once the idea got to me I noticed that at first I was already about to do it – like, “alright, this would be suitable now, I'll do it”, just seeing the practicality and acting upon it - but then I was stopped by a paralyzing fear. It was not a verbalized thought that stopped me, but a feeling, something that made my heart beat really fast and hard. I am not sure what the initial starting point was for my nervousness to arise.

So I little by little physically moved myself into a position where all I had left to do was to lay down my money cup and start singing. This is where I got stuck for about a half an hour. I asked myself: What do I fear? Who am I right now? And I moved through many layers of self-awareness, where I admitted to my fears and demons and saw myself for who I was within my fears and my motivation. Eventually when I had already gone through all this I noticed that I was simply looping, repeating the same thought patterns over and over again, and I realized that all that was left to do was to actually move myself. I told myself: “I am not leaving here until I do this.” I tried to move my hand to lay down the cup but I stopped myself mid-way. I tried again with the exact same result. I then decided to move myself completely, got up from the bench, moved around a bit standing up, up and down, laid my cup down and just pushed through the resistance and started to sing – and from that moment on it was easy, things went smoothly, I enjoyed myself, others seemed to enjoy me and I/we had a lot of fun. So I had to actually change my position entirely: the sitting position I had been stuck in for a half an hour was a manifestation of my fear and hesitation and it was necessary to move myself out of it to shake off the fear.

A fucking insanely difficult threshold to cross, especially concerning by background in performance arts, but I did it! And I can actually see that from now on doing the same thing will be easier because I have already proven to myself that my fears were invalid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my singing is not as good that I believe it to be and that I will embarrass myself by singing in public without a band to back me up.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give authority to the experience of embarrassment by losing my stance and separating myself from myself with self-judgement when and as I have perceived and believed others to judge me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that embarrassment is an experience I create in my mind based on guesswork, interpretations and a distorted self-image and that this experience is in no way whatsoever based on reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my voice and singing alone is not enough to count as a performance, and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use this belief as an excuse not to sing on the streets alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I wish to have a band or other singers to back me up because when I am alone I will not be just a performance but I will be exposing myself in public.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself to others in public through my singing as self-expression as I have not faced and embraced myself within and as that act of self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my self-expression by not standing within and as myself when and as I sing in the presence of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that there is a standard I need to reach to be accepted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that once I accept and embrace myself I will show myself to others in self-honesty, which enables others to accept me as well as I grant them access to my real self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear scenarios where others would show their disapproval of my self-expression, because I have learned to fear this in my childhood where my peers bullied me because of how I expressed myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of the judgement of others is based on a childhood misconception that I am defined by the opinions of others, and that this fear is thus not valid as I now see, realize and understand that the opinions of others are manifestations of who they are, not of who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my ability to sing as I have perceived and believed this ability to be defined by technical skills alone, not realizing that the ability to sing is also composed of self-expression which has nothing to do with physical technique – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for both the technical and expressive ability that I do in fact have when and as I sing without fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my lack of education in singing techniques as an excuse not to perform and as evidence for my perception that my skills are less than they actually are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit and suppress my self-expression with a distorted self-image and with excuses that put the blame for this on others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to sing from the starting point of impressing others with my skills, not singing to express myself but to present an image of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of singing alone in public is not about facing others but about facing myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not enjoy myself when and as I sing by considering what others might want to hear me sing, not realizing that I cannot possibly know this and that the “best guess” is just to sing what I enjoy singing as that is the most self-honest approach.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear singing because I am then fully exposed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes when I sing because I want to maintain a self-image of flawlessness, reacting to all mistakes by “pulling back” from my self-expression and from then on “playing it safe” - not realizing that everyone makes mistakes and that they can be utilized for learning, growth and expansion of skill.

I commit myself to embrace moments of making mistakes when singing as moments of humanity – in other words, I commit myself to embrace my flaws as moments of learning by checking what led me to that particular mistake and what could be done differently.

I commit myself to utilize upcoming opportunities to perform in public and to embrace those moments as self-expression and communication.

When and as I face the fear of singing in public – I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that I can rely on myself to be here for me and with me. I realize that my fear of others is based on the misconception that other people are not like me and cannot/will not sympathize with me. I realize that I am here to express myself to and communicate with others through the tool of singing. I breathe and stabilize myself and align myself with all of my physical existence. I then proceed to push through the threshold of fear by letting my voice flow from me in full strength within and as the realization that the threshold is actually imaginary as I will remain HERE just the same before and after crossing it, and that the threshold will get smaller each and every time I cross it.

I commit myself to sing in the presence of others from the starting point of self-expression as I see, realize and understand that this is the only way my singing will be self-honest communication with others and not an ego show.

I commit myself to investigate the experience of embarrassment by stopping and breathing when and as I experience embarrassment and/or fear the experience of embarrassment, thus becoming aware of it and not accepting and allowing these moments to slip by.

Day 165: Music as self-expression

05032013

I returned to thinking about the reaction towards singing in public which I wrote about yesterday. In the culture I live in there is a taboo towards singing in public, or a very strict social code according to which it is accepted as “normal” or “comprehendible”. The act of singing is seen as a “special talent” to which “special attention” must be paid and certain kind of responses shown; it is not seen as the natural form of human expression it actually is.

I realized the separation in which the western culture has placed itself concerning music when I saw a movie some months ago, which was a depiction of the United States around the 1940's. The movie showed that in that time and place singing was still considered an act of storytelling and self-expression – a way to express oneself to others present. This is a change that has happened in mere decades. In other cultures, such as the more “primal” ones still alive at the edges of our “civilized world”, singing is considered a very natural thing that everyone does, because it has not been defined as a “special talent” with which one can achieve money, fame, glory, admiration and a place above others. Singing is communal, and it would be unfathomable for one to be “better” at it than another. I mean, we don't rank people according to other ways of self-expression, such as the way they speak and move, now do we? No, wait, we do. No wonder everyone's a mess when every way to express ourselves has been placed in front of an imagined jury.

So here if one sings in public there are two possible options according to the social paradigm: 1) one is either putting on a performance or 2) one is crazy. There is an expectation that if one sings it is done to get attention, because that's what the TV teaches us. “The people in all those talent shows are there to be seen! Fucking attention whores!” And yet we glue our eyes to the screen and continue the cycle. This is the only way singing and music is shown in the media – as performance, not expression, not something the viewer could actually participate in (certainly not suggested i.e. in concerts – I don't think the philharmonics would be thrilled to have you climb on stage with your own cello). And if one does not appear to be trying to sing “well” and put on a “good performance”, the motive of the act of singing is unclear. “Is this a joke? What's going on?” There simply is no ready pattern for people to reflect upon, because singing has been isolated into the performance-category of the brain.

I often get urges to sing when there are people around, but there my wish is not to draw attention but to simply be me – if I were alone at home I would've burst into song already – and express myself without limiting myself. This is one reason why I enjoy the company of musicians, because there is no taboo of musical self-expression, and in fact it is encouraged and pretty much a norm in communication. But I now see that as it has been isolated into this limited group of people who have been trained in music according to a certain kind of music tradition and are thus perceived and believed to be “good at music” - music as self-expression has become a form of expression exclusive to the elite.

Now, please don't be fooled by my tone here. I am not blaming you, the society, culture, history, past generations, the producers of TV shows, the heads of corporations or the idols on the stage for this mess. My tone of blame comes from the frustration I write this through because I would like to find a scapegoat for our misgivings. The fact is, however and by whomever our current situation was created, we who are here now are responsible for passing it on – or stopping it right here. And this is why I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from music/singing as self-expression – because only when we come to terms with what we have accepted and allowed ourselves to live as are we able to change the course of our actions which compile the culture, society, humanity and the reality we pass on to others here with us and after us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from music and singing as self-expression by as a child learning to associate creating music with praise and a sense of self-worth and elevation and then abusing this social trick by giving performances in order to receive positive remarks and feel worthwhile.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to get hooked on the feelgood I got from the positive reactions of others to my musical self-expression, then altering my starting point for making music from self-expression into reaching the goal of getting praise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I sing as myself when in fact my starting point for singing ever since a child had been to please others and that it thus has been nothing but characters, personalities, mannerisms, tricks and habits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I need to re-learn singing from the starting point of self-expression and that this process is going to take immense humility and probably plenty of time.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear singing in public because I'm concerned about “what others will think of me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear singing in public because I fear my surroundings would interpret my singing to be attention focused / focused on others (“look at me!”) when in fact it is self-focused (“this is me!”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the possible mis-interpretations of my surroundings, not realizing that another's perception of me is not who I am, because who I am is only ever HERE as this subjective experience and cannot be fully known by anyone else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be affected by the interpretations of others because they appear to believe their interpretations to be true and I convince myself to believe them without looking at my actual experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret another paying attention to me when/as I am singing to mean he/she is making an assessment of me in terms of how well I sing as measured on our dominant cultural norms.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize it makes no difference to me how another chooses to dissect and categorize my self-expression as they try to make their experience and the heaps of information received every moment more comprehendible, as this is how the mind functions (unless wholly directed) which applies practically to everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who sing in public as “attention whores” with no actual consideration over who those people are and what their experience is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to another singing in public as I see another doing what I would like to do but am too afraid to actually live out, and thus to avoid facing my own fears and misgivings judge the other for “just wanting attention” - never looking at myself to see I secretly do the exact same thing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear others will see me as a “crazy person” for singing in public with no obvious reason (such as to draw attention).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being defined as a “crazy person” because others might then start to avoid me and deny me access to resources.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others seeing me as a “crazy person” would lead to me being isolated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to show others through the way I live and stand within myself that I am in fact quite sane and approachable even though I appear uncategorizable when I express myself in singing and my motivation isn't obvious to a bystander.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and shame when another stops when I sing amongst our interaction, taking the reaction of another personally without realizing that in this cultural environment it is unexpected for one to sing casually whenever wherever because singing is defined to be a “special thing” and that the reaction of another is then more likely a “culture shock” than anything personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when I hear another express themselves through singing so powerfully and undeniably that in comparison I feel like I am “losing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the above-mentioned reaction of fear by believing it is valid and founded on facts, when instead I could enjoy the expression of another and learn from what is being shared.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that if another sings well, it is something taken “away” from me – as if the amount of singing skills in the world was a constant and only a certain amount of talent can go around, when in fact there is no limit.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in the separation between a performer and a spectator. *

* I will continue with the music elitism tomorrow.

Days 156-157: I want to be an actor - part 2

24-25022013

2012

This post is a continuation to:

Days 153-155: I want to be an actor - part 1

Continuing with more thought dimensions and commitments to parts 1 & 2.

“It would be so awesome to be a pro”

The idealized image I have of the professional theatre field and the people in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be among “my kind of people” as theatre professionals because I feel as if I would then be accepted, fully functional and “where I belong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “my place” in the world from a group that would fulfill my needs (acceptance, validation, support) and provide me a rich, constructive environment to work in where the group's level of skill would match mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated in a group the skill level of which “doesn't match” mine – not realizing that I am only looking at this imagined “skill level” from a certain narrow perspective that does not take into consideration all the traits and abilities that there are to building a functioning group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the group I work in to be “below my level” because they lack the skills I have trained myself in the most.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize there are skills required in a good actor beyond my perception of a good actor.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I see a professional actor / group performing, to imagine what it would be like to do that myself in front of all this audience and then create a desire to be on the stage myself – this resulting in a chain of thought that concludes “if I want to be on that stage, I've got to become a professional” - the key to getting what I desire is the path I lay out before me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a desire to be a professional actor by looking at professional actors and imagining myself in their place doing the things they do, not realizing that the moment I validate that image – the “ok, I accept this thought” - is where I give in to my mind and allow it to direct me, when I could instead see, realize and understand that this imagined picture in my mind of myself doing what the people in front of me are doing is but a reflection and a projection and is in fact not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my imagined scenarios and thus experience them as true through emotions and feelings and energetic resonance in my physical body, and then believe this resonance in my body to be evidence that my desire is valid.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to an actor doing something I perceive myself to “lack” (something I don't “get to” do), create a desire to do it myself (“unfair! I wanna do that!”) and then follow the chain of thought that states “if you wanna do that, you've got to become a professional”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to be a professional actor to express myself in the full scope of human expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the professional theatre people are more expressive, more honest, more present, more alive, more active, more human, more intelligent and more connected to life than other people and thus glorify my perception of the professional theatre field and further enhance my desire to be involved with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have glorified the professional theatre field, to overlook the same issues that lie within it as in the rest of the world (dishonesty, escapism, egoism, arrogance, separation, fear, self-interest).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to believe the professional theatre field holds a lot of severe issues, such as drug abuse, because I have not wanted to realize that theatre is not the ultimate solution to the issues of the world and have rather believed it is “the road to salvation” because the support I got in theatre was what kept me from killing myself when I was younger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though theatre is a tool with which a lot of constructive things can be done, it is ultimately a tool for self-support and self-inspiration with which one can build oneself to face the actual world where actual work is to be done.

“I can't let my talent go to waste” / “I'd have what it takes to be a pro”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself to be “good at acting” as compared to the other actors I have worked with and seen at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “more capable” of acting than others I have seen based on my perception of others and how I compare to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize my perception of other actors is filtered through the starting point of competition – in other words, I magnify the flaws of others so that I could elevate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide my jealousy of another actor by focusing on his/her flaws when and as I have seen another do something well and reacted with fear of losing as I compared myself to the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive I have the sort of talents that are required of the “few chosen ones” who get to be professional actors based on how I have seen myself as compared to the other actors I have worked with – not realizing that it is not valid to measure myself by looking at the flaws of others as I am then not looking at myself at all, only that which I seem to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor even though I have no experience of participating in a professional project – many demanding amateur ones, yes, but I still haven't actually been there to see what it's actually about and thus cannot say I know anything of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know what is required of a professional actor based on my experience as an amateur (uneducated) actor and based on what I have heard about the professional field from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be involved in the professional theatre field based on the mental image I have created based on what I have heard of it, not realizing that the image in my mind is not the equivalent of reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my idealized image of the professional theatre field and believe I would “fit in” perfectly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it would be a “waste of talent” to not become a theatre professional because “I'd have so much to give”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself – as a teenager when and as my mother first told me that “it would be a waste of talent” to not strive for a career in performing arts when I was considering doing something else and keeping arts as a hobby – to believe her words as I then reminded myself that the appreciation I received from others relied on my talents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish to pursue a career in performing arts (theatre and music) so that the skills I have trained and refined wouldn't “go to waste” unheard and unseen by a large audience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assign more value to a large audience than a small audience – not because of the smaller exposure to whatever thoughts, ideas or concepts the performance is trying to communicate – but because I would then be seen and heard less, as the more attention I got the more accepted and “loved” I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the amount of attention / exposure correlates with the amount of acceptance I receive – not realizing I am searching for acceptance from others in a ridiculously large scale when I should be finding it from myself and actually standing within and as self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “I want to be famous” without ever really questioning this thought or asking myself why.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the desire to be famous by believing in my “gut feeling” that “I was meant / destined to be famous”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to be “famous” (widely known, seen and heard as a personality) was actually a desire to exploit my skills and manipulate as many people as possible into “loving” me by living as a personality that fits into a certain category of celebrities – not realizing I would then with my participation accept and allow the world system of idols and entertainment as tools of passifying, distracting and disempowering the masses through separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as dishonesty and self-deceit by believing my justifications to become famous with no actual practical purpose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fantasize about being famous, creating mental images and scenarios where I was basking in glory, attention, appreciation, love and admiration – all the things I “lacked” at the time – not realizing that all of this that is relevant and not another energy high I would find simply through self-acceptance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the belief that if I have a skill, I should try to bring it forth so that as many people as possible could see it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a skill is valuable depending on what I use it on/for.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that because skills can also be used from the starting point of self-interest (elevation, glorification, validation), the use of my skills in itself holds no constructive value as skills can be both exploited and utilized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that using a skill is valuable in itself because the hard-earned skill has equal the amount of value as the work put in it – not realizing that a skill is ultimately a tool that can be used for many purposes from various starting points and that the tool itself has no other than practical value – a hammer is neither good nor evil even though / because it can be used for both constructing and destroying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to sort out my starting point in using and training my skills.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these kinds of skills (performance arts) can be immensely effective on the smallest of scale, and that I don't need the large exposure to use them for something constructive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when/if it is necessary to gather a larger audience it is possible to do so, but only if the purpose so demands – not because my ego demands it.

I commit myself to study my area of skill (music and theatre) to see how I could utilize it for something constructive on a small scale – the big scale will come about when/if it is necessary.

I commit myself to sort out my starting point for using my skills so that I will no longer act from the starting point of self-interest but that I will always consider that which is best for all.

I commit myself to study, explore and expand my self-expression outside of theatre by challenging myself to push through my resistances to see how my world would then change.

I commit myself to practice breathing on stage with consistency and self-forgiveness as kindness towards myself, as I see, realize and understand that as I now forget to breathe on stage all the time I lose myself every time I go on stage, and that in order to re-create myself into my one and only stability point – the constant that is always here – I will need to be aware of my breath all the time.

I commit myself to no longer ask for people to come see a play because it would bring me more attention but because I see they could benefit from seeing the play – and I commit myself to be brutally honest with myself about this.

I commit myself to, while acting, focus on the enjoyment of teamwork, expression, play, interaction and refinement of skill instead of focusing on comparison and competition – in other words, to keep my focus in myself and my own actions and processes.

I commit myself to face and direct all reactions that occur in me when and as I receive feedback of any kind within the realization that all feedback I receive is primarily another's expression of their experience and not a direct portrayal of who I am, yet it is something to use as a mirror and to explore myself with.

I commit myself to stop seeking for “my place” in the world as I now see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to create my place in the society and to re-create it time and time again.

I commit myself to realize that “my place” in the world is not defined by my current skills (the ones my parents chose to teach me) but that I am able to learn new skills (the ones I choose to teach myself) and direct myself to whichever direction I choose.

Days 153-155: I want to be an actor - part 1

21-23022013

2010

Every now and then these days when I act in theatre (acting here meaning the work of an actor as movement, speech, song, dance, voice, interaction, and other kinds of expressive physical and emotional things) I return to that feeling where I desire to act professionally. This usually occurs either when I am enjoying myself especially much when acting, or when I step outside of myself to observe my doings through the eyes of an outsider and see myself to be “good” at what I'm doing: fluent, certain, creative, flexible.

Now, I have made a decision to not apply for theatre schools for the time being and instead approach life and work through a profession that would concretely and directly affect the world we live in, not just inspire others to do that for me. This decision falters every time this longing to be a professional actor arises, and it means I have not made this decision from a clear starting point. It's time to go through this now as I am applying to university and all this wavering will influence my motivation and ability to study for the entrance exams.

It is commonly known and said in the theatre field that to be an actor one has to be both an exhibitionist and an egoist – in other words, everyone wanting to be actor is already both to some extent. I will begin by going through these points.

Exhibitionism - “come watch me express myself!”

This is a point I realized some time ago when I got disappointed again when some friend or a family member didn't come see a play I was acting in. I realized that whenever I ask for a person to come see me on stage I am asking them to come and see me express myself freely because I don't do that off-stage, and that therefore this is a “rare occasion” to see me express myself a certain way. This indicates both my unwillingness and disability to freely express myself in all situations in all possible ways and shows the extent to which I have defined the stage to be a “special place” for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in my wish to show myself as I really am in the full scope of human expression to create a “special place” where I could do that within an illusion of safety instead of just living as self-expression unconditionally no matter where I am and who I'm with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child when I limited my self-expression due to bullying to define the stage of our theatre into a “safe place” because there I was able to push through my resistances (to a certain extent*), misinterpreting this to mean I could only express myself on stage – not realizing I was the one accepting and allowing myself to push through and show myself - not “the magic” of the stage, the group, the director or the situation – because in fact I am the one who moved myself.

* There are taboos in theatre as well – ways of expressing oneself that are/were prohibited.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I need to do theatre to express myself in the full scope of human expression because there are no ways to do that in “real life” that would be socially acceptable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that that which is “socially acceptable” is based on a social agreement which I have not been there to create even though I have upheld it with my own actions, and that because this is an agreement I do not agree with there is in fact no agreement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a social agreement ceases to exist in my part when I stop participating in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear stopping participation in social agreements that prohibit expressing myself in the full scope of human expression because I have been afraid of judgement, isolation and misunderstandings / conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will judge who I am as who I am living as at the moment as manifested in my self-expression, not realizing that the judgement of others only has effect on me when I turn it into self-judgement, which is something I have full directive power over, and that to fear my self-judgement is thus to state that I am unable to direct myself – which is not true, as I have shown myself that I am in fact able to stop, face, re-direct and move myself to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will isolate me and deny me access to life's resources if I stop my participation in the social agreements that prohibit my self-expression (and that of others) because this is a world/reality/society that functions on relationships where everyone is dependent on each other and in which, if one is left to survive by oneself, it is impossible to survive in without others.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will be denied access to life's resources (relationships, work, food, housing) because that would mean I would not survive, in other words, I would die because someone reacted to who I was and believed their reaction – not realizing that if for some reason I'd have to choose between self-compromise and death, which we all face eventually anyway, the choice would be self-expression as well – I'd die honest or live a lie.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will misunderstand me if I choose to not participate in the social agreements that limit our self-expression and that this will lead to conflict, not realizing that in between my expression, the other's choice to misunderstand and a resulting conflict is an infinite number of moments where the situation can be faced, addressed, directed and lived into a solution.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to “handle” solving misunderstandings or conflict as I have not realized that a misunderstanding/conflict can be solved simply by clearing my starting point (how did I cause this situation?) and then approaching with straightforward communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for others to come see me as I am on stage, thinking “I wish someone would see the real me”, not realizing I am abdicating my responsibility to live as the real me and instead I'm dumping the responsibility on others to go through extra effort to see me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is others' responsibility to dig out my “real self” when in fact only I can reveal myself, as even when another “digs me out” I am the one who accepts and allows myself to reveal myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not show myself as I have held on to the excuse/justification that if I expose myself I make myself vulnerable to attacks, not realizing that as I stand fully within and as myself uncompromised there are no attacks that could “catch me off guard” as I am fully aware of everything I live as – and that if an attack does catch me “off guard” it is a welcome reminder of a point I have not faced and should thus not be feared but embraced.

Egoism – expecting praise and attention

In theatre it's all about ME in the spotlight, ME being talented, ME shining, ME being better than anyone else. I secretly expect praise and special attention because at some point of my acting years others started to give me feedback that stated I was somehow “exceptional”, and I totally bought into this as a child/teenager wallowing in self-diminishment. Someone wants to elevate me? Bring it on!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want/need/desire to show off myself in theatre at the expense of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be “the best one” as compared to other actors, in other words, to “win” over everyone else and thus validate my self-worth, as I believed that my skill/talent and admirability are the measure of my worth and the ones watching me (in this case the audience) the measurers and judges.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misinterpret the encouragement and feedback I received in theatre by filtering it through my fears and desires and using it to enhance my fears and desires even further as the stakes grew as I exposed myself more and more.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the positive feedback I received in theatre to create a self-image where I was “good at something”, believing I was dependent on that trait to receive acceptance / positive attention from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be “good at acting” because it would validate my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear I will fail at acting because that would destroy my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child, when I was depressed and thought I am not good enough in anything, to hold on to practicing the skills/talents that I received positive feedback / attention from (singing and acting) because in terms of “being loved” they were most rewarding.*

*Not the only reason I kept doing these as I also enjoyed the act of expression itself, but a secret one that lay underneath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to react positively to my performance on stage because this is what has usually happened and I have built a self-image based on it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive attention when they have seen me perform on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to show admiration when they have seen me perform on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect others to give me positive comments, remarks, notes and feedback regarding my performance on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react when another gives me critique about my performance on stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react and take a defensive stance when another gives me constructive feedback about what was actually here, and to cover up my defensiveness by adopting the character that “receives critique well”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when another shows me their appreciation for what I did on stage, they are expressing their experience of what happened, which is usually loaded with emotions and feelings, and that if their feedback concerns this subjective experience of theirs it is nothing I can take credit for. [For example, if another says “I was so moved by X”, it is not a statement that the action X was in fact “moving” but that the person experienced it as such.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I receive positive/negative feedback from the audience, not realizing their feedback mostly reflects their personal experience of what they saw.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am “the kind of person” who is able to take critique when in fact I have reacted, defended and pretended every time this has happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear and try to defend myself from critique because it poses a threat to my self-image.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take critique personally, not realizing that at least some of it is an expression of how this person experienced what he/she saw, which is nothing I can take credit for – and that if another gives me constructive feedback on what I do and how to refine my skills it is something to embrace and welcome and test out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to critique which I have perceived to have been said out of jealousy, spite and bitterness, thinking “they're saying this to bully me”, not realizing that I am reacting because I see myself to be inferior to the other and then blaming the other for my experience - “I feel bad because you are jealous/spiteful/bitter” - abdicating my responsibility over my own experience of inferiority in the setting of bullying.

I will continue with more thought dimensions in the next part.