Day 246: Doing nothing

30052013

One challenge I set for myself when I set off to travel was to break away from my usual routine of working throughout my waking hours and to teach myself to just be and do nothing. I realize that stress is a big problem for me because I do not know where to draw the line in-between recreation and escapism, and so I feel guilty for every bit of non-work and push myself to work more from the starting point of fear.

So at first I noticed a tendency to think that now that I am here on the other side of the globe I should not “waste” a single day. I pushed myself to go sightseeing and stuff and tried to make “each day count”, so that within every day I would get an experience that would make the day feel meaningful. Many times I did, and even really small and seemingly insignificant things would give me that experience that “all right, today I lived”. For example, one day the most awesome thing that happened was that I ran into a dog in a forest and hung out with the dog for a while. Not much else happened during the day, but it still felt like I had actually learned something.

Now in Tokyo there have been days where I have felt like nothing has been happening. I have staid at one place for an entire week, not moving around every two days like before, and I have given myself time to just do nothing at all. I have done small everyday things like gone to the supermarket and walked around a park and sat in a library and sung karaoke. I have sat down with other people here at the hostel eating and drinking and talked. And at the end of the day I have felt guilty about it: Today I did nothing. Did I learn anything? Did I grow at all? Who was I today? Has it been four days already? What the fuck did I even do yesterday? Was it really five days ago? And so forth.

It has been really good to stop because I have thus been able to see more clearly what it is that moves me in my “normal life” (a term/concept I have come to question lately). But I am not sure if what I'm doing is entirely a good thing. Tokyo as a tourist environment is not very enabling if one doesn't have the money to shop and dine in restaurants, so I have perhaps been passivated by my environment which is “lacking” in possibilities for activities. But here I forget that I am able to come up with some ways to utilize whatever happens to be here – I just have to actively get up and do it.

So enough of this bullshit. If it seems that my environment is not “offering” me enough stuff to do, then I've got to get up and do something and make it worthwhile. I am not here to live on a hyperdrive for three months, sucking in the culture of other countries as if it was the last thing I'll ever do – I am here to live as myself within and as breath within the possibilities of the environment I am in, not to compromise myself and feed off on experiences and energy kicks. So just live as I would live in a familiar environment, moved by necessity and opportunity; allow myself the time I need to get my shit together. It's not about achievements but about who I live as within all this.

SF up next.

Day 245: Developing dependency

29052013

I have been meeting a lot of people during my first 2,5 weeks of traveling, and I am starting to realize that each one I meet and react to is bringing me their own kind of a lesson. I have been dealing with one major point lately that was brought up in the company of one person, and now I am facing a new one brought to surface by another person in my current environment.

With this person I have enjoyed myself a lot in conversation and verbal expression, which has been fun in itself. However, I have also noticed that I have created a desire to be in the company of this person because of how I accept and allow myself to be within our interaction (active, fearless, open). I also find myself needy of his attention because I suddenly feel like I am a very interesting person and want that energy boost over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in the company of another being because I fear losing the qualities he “brings out” in me (the qualities I accept and allow myself to live as in his presence).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by this desire into compromising myself and my actions as I make my way into his company despite my actual plans and wait for him to create the experience I desire for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make plans “just in case” there would be a chance to join in with this person's plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become passive by waiting for another to bring me the experience of activeness, openness, fearlessness and self-worth, not realizing that originally I was the one who accepted and allowed myself to experience this and live as these qualities in the first place, and that he was not the cause of my experience even though he functioned as a trigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for living out change as I have accepted and allowed myself to shed some of my fears and limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire another to give me attention so that I could experience myself to be “interesting” (worthwhile), not realizing that here I make my sense of self dependent on another by only giving myself attention through others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget my own existence when I am not in the presence of people who would show interest towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself by not giving myself “attention” (being self-aware within and as breath) in any and all circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a habit to forget myself with a lifetime of not breathing and not being self-aware.

I commit myself to explore myself in the presence of this person and to embrace any and all points that may surface within and as the realization that I am the creator of my experience.

I commit myself to return myself to breath whenever I notice myself falling out of breath as I see, realize and understand that when I do not breathe I am not actually here one with an equal to my physical existence – the only level of existence that is certainly HERE.

I commit myself to make sure I do not compromise myself, my actions and my living because of another person by checking my starting point for every action and inaction I live out.

Days 243-244: Dependency on physical touch as a stabilizer

26-28052013

I was recently in a relationship to another person in a way that involved physical intimacy. When our ways parted I noticed that after the “high” I had got from the touch contact faded I experienced myself to be “missing something” - as if something had been lost. I later realized that I had made my sense of stability, which has been quite fragile now that I've been traveling, dependent on the comfort I had experienced within the touch contact.

Later on came more specific experiences. I was sitting in a train after having just landed to Japan and I had my big rucksack in front of me. I leaned on the rucksack and wrapped my hands around it, and I suddenly felt sadness because I associated the hug with the rucksack with the touch I had had with this other person. One other point I noticed was within a moment where I remembered to breathe with all of my lungs after a while of not breathing, and I felt again sadness because I associated this deep breathing with how I breathed while I was in touch contact with the other person.

So within a short interaction with another (a few days) I connected these physical acts of self-support (breathing and hugging) to the other in my mind, when in fact the support I received from them had nothing to do with the other person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget myself when I touch another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the experience of being touched instead of focusing on the act of touching another as self-expression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the act of touching another as self-expression is dependent on the other – that I cannot express myself in this way if the other is not here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that me receiving touch is dependent on others as I have not realized that I am able to induce a similar experience of touch by myself – and that this implies that touch for me is, then, not about the physical act of touching but about something else, something “bigger”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that for me touch with others is a way to induce an experience of stability, security and comfort – a replacement of actual stability, security and comfort within and as myself – and that I search for this experience with others over and over again because the previous experience always fades and leaves a “void” that I desire to fill.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the only way to make stability, security and comfort a constant part of my living is to build them into myself – I could also attach myself to something external, like another person, and make sure with all means possible that this external object does not disappear from this existence before I do, but this would make my life subject to constant gambling and this I will not do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see realize, and understand that to be reliant on others to give me the experience of stability, security and comfort is to live as inequality as I refuse to acknowledge myself to have the same responsibility over myself as others do over themselves and believe that it is another's “duty” to take care of me on top of them taking care of themselves even though I am perfectly able to carry myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to utilize touch for fulfilling my needs and desires, only taking and never giving, instead of using it as a tool of self-expression and communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from myself by believing and perceiving that the sense of comfort I receive from touch comes from outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the experience of comfort – enjoying my physical body and existence – is in fact created by me and not by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for others to touch me as I have not realized that the experience I seek for in touch is a replacement of what I am missing in myself on a fundamental level – and that I do not need to seek for this from others because I can build it into my foundation from where it will not fade as experience does.

I commit myself to explore touch with myself and with others from the starting point of focusing on myself within and as the realization that touch is self-expression – not a show, a scene or a story – just me being HERE within and as breath as movement and action.

As I now see, realize and understand that the only non-abusive way to be stable, secure and comfortable in this life – the way that is “best for all” - is to build this into myself and not seek it from others, I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to depend on others to be my stability points and “anchors”. When and as I see myself living as my patterns of dependency (losing focus from myself into the other, following the other instead of being self-directed, not being aware of my experience, allowing my desire to be with the other to move me, etc.) I stop, I breathe and I realize I am living out a behavioral pattern I have created earlier in my life when I have not had the tools to support myself. I realize that I do not have to live according to this pattern and that I can decide to move myself into a different direction. I breathe and I investigate the point at hand to see and forgive its origin, and I physically move myself out of the pattern by being aware of what was moving me before and by making sure that I now move self-directed. I realize that this act of becoming self-aware and self-directed is what eventually becomes stability and security within me as I will be able to actually rely on myself.

Days 241-242: Waiting around to voice things

24-25052013

This is a point I am only now becoming aware of as I have been observing myself within interaction with a specific other person. When one is in the presence of another person this is experienced somehow: I enjoy the other, resent the other, feel excited around the other, get nervous around the other, et cetera. Every time I am in the presence of another being I experience it in some way, which is a manifestation of who I am and not something that can be “blamed” on the other. Now I have become aware of a pattern of not being aware of how I experience the company of another, which leads to me never directly expressing this to the other. This then leads to situations where I am asked, for example, what it is I want from the interaction, or how do I feel about the relationship, or what do I see the possibilities of the interaction to be – and I cannot answer, because I have not faced my experience of the other person and actually believe that I just do not know. This has led to many relationships of mine getting stuck because I was too caught up in the experience of being in the presence of another to be aware of what it is I am experiencing.

So to make up for this I have come up with some behavioral patterns. Recently (today, actually) I have used the pattern of creating a scenario in my mind of saying things “at the right moment” - and when the moment never comes things go unsaid. Today I waited around to say things at the “last moment”, but due to practical reasons it turned out to be impossible, and so I missed a chance to express myself because I wanted to live out a dramatic scenario instead of saying what I wanted right away. Another pattern is to wait around for the “urge” to say things – like when you're overcome with love and joy and happiness and sing out “I love you” with angel choirs and fanfares - but when this “urge” never comes things again go unsaid. It is like I have used this urge as a confirmation of what it is I experience with another instead of stopping and asking myself in self-honesty what is actually going on. So here energy has been a replacement of self-awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself into how I experience myself in the presence of another, mistaking the other to be the cause of my experience when in fact I am causing the experience by accepting and allowing the other to trigger something in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to indulge in how I experienced myself around X instead of stopping to question why it is I felt the way I did.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by my experience instead of directing myself aware of my experience and its origins.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have developed a relationship towards another person, to not stop and ask myself why it is I am drawn to / resent the other, and instead justify going along with the experience unquestioned by thinking it's “natural” to be drawn to / resent another, believing that it's something that “just is” and cannot be influenced.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get overwhelmed by how I have experienced myself in the presence of another person and to thus believe this “big” experience must be caused by something “bigger” than me – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have believed this experience to be caused by the other, to thus attach the value “bigger than me” to the other and create a relationship of separation and inequality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question why I enjoyed X's company because I was afraid the experience would fade, not realizing that all experiences fade sooner or later and that they are not here to be held onto but to be learned from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I initially experienced myself as funny, interesting, attractive, mature and capable of support in the presence of X I meanwhile built a character / behavioral pattern with which I could uphold the initial experience that felt good, thus continuing to live as a character instead of allowing myself to morph and change within the trust that who I am will not disappear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be self-honest about how I experience myself with another and to thus disable myself from being honest to another about my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my communication with another by not communicating with myself.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refrain from communicating my experience to another by reacting to my impulse to express myself with fear, “pulling back” from doing it as I conjure a worst-case scenario, giving myself an excuse not to express myself by creating a scenario where it would be “appropriate” to express myself in this particular way, and then living as self-suppression by thinking “nah, I'll do it later”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear sharing my experience to/with another as I have feared that another would react negatively and resent my expression, thus rejecting who I am in that moment, which I have learned to take personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another chooses to not agree with my self-expression, not realizing that even though the response of another works as a mirror of who I am, it is initially the other expressing him/herself in interaction with myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of avoiding expressing myself to others based on earlier experiences where I have been rejected and where I have not had the understanding to not take it personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a habit of reacting with hesitation to my impulse to express myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this habit does not serve my well-being (nor anyone else's) but only supports me to live as self-suppression – as less than who I actually am.

When and as I react to an impulse to express myself with hesitation - by physically “freezing” and thinking “no” – I stop, I breathe and I realize I am repeating a behavioral pattern that is based on the misinterpretations of my past self, who perceived herself to be “at the mercy” of everyone around her. I breathe to relax the tension from my body in order to allow the “freeze” to melt away. I forgive myself in breath for suppressing myself and living as less than I am. I remind myself that to express myself without limitation is to live as self-honesty, which is the root of any and all constructive interaction. I continue on to express myself within and as self-trust. If the experience persists, I ask myself what it is I fear and I investigate further.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not expressing myself by creating a scenario within my mind with me and others as puppets, not realizing that “the right moment” I am looking for is actually a specific kind of an energy charge which I think/believe/perceive would most likely be obtained in certain conditions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify not expressing myself to another by creating a desire towards a specific energy of “dramaticness”, “greatness”, “epicness”, “sorrow”, “joy”, “love” and “bittersweetness” which I would obtain by saying things “at the last moment”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that saying goodbye is “dramatic”, “big”, “epic” and “meaningful” and to want to live according to this perception unquestioned.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “saying goodbye” - parting from another person's physical presence for an unknown period of time – is “big” only within the mind-reality of images, scenarios, fantasies and stories as in this physical reality we are a one big organism the parts of which are one with and equal to each other, in constant movement and in simultaneous relation to each and every particle there is, be there physical encounter or not – and that it is thus not “big” to part from one as there will always be others and because the relationship exists even though there is no interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse giving recognition to another being as an individual whom I now meet in this moment of time and space, to elevating the other by perceiving him/her to be “more” because of our chance meeting.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait for an “urge” to express myself because I have believed and perceived this “urge” to mean I am now being truthful – not realizing that this “urge” is actually a shot of energy which I have accumulated during a long period of self-suppression and that even though the release of this energy is self-honest (“this is who I am now”), it's creation is dishonest as it happens unaware and for the purpose of living as energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that this “urge” to express myself is the result of consecutive self-suppression during small moments of wanting to express myself and choosing not to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how backwards it is to suppress my impulse to say something just so I could maybe say it later with higher energy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by suppressing myself in the moment of breath for the sake of “big moments” I have done my relationships a disservice and caused many of them to become impossible to live in.

I commit myself to not wait around for energy to move myself for me to express myself, but to instead push through the moments of hesitation within and as self-trust.

Day 240: Trouble finding stability

23052013

A couple of nights ago I woke up to an experience I described as a swarm of thoughts attacking me, like a swarm of fish just slammed against me. During this experience, in a half-asleep state, I realized that I am like a fisherman who picks up a fish from a swarm when I choose to believe a thought and ignore another – when I participate in a thought by believing it I make an active choice to “pick it up” when I could instead allow the swarm to swim past me without grabbing any of it.

I have lately been struggling with immense backchat concerning an issue that is here, and last night it got to such an extreme that I walked around town to find a night club where I could dance off my frustration – I didn't find one (each one had crappy music) but the worst frustration wore off simply with the act of vigorous walking. I wrote about it and I read some writings by Bernard which helped me stabilize. I'm starting to see more and more what is actually causing the “swarm of fish” (thoughts) to appear in the first place, and so far it has been an unconscious fear that is triggered by something in my environment (people, events, places, etc). The fear that goes unaddressed is what “drags” me deeper into a psychosis-like state of thoughts bouncing around.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the patterns of fear that have been triggered in me and thus allow myself to believe the thoughts that occur as a result.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate the thoughts of fear, doubt, blame, suppression, grief and loneliness to a point where I became so frustrated that I was unable to communicate my experience to anyone and needed to release the energy physically.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that none of these thoughts is real in any way whatsoever because they are based on assumptions and guesses and not on what is actually here in the physical reality.

I commit myself to stop slacking off with my practical application by facing my fears in practice instead of running away from them within and as the realization that nothing that goes on in my mind is actually real and bears no value in terms of actually moving myself HERE in breath in the physical.

I commit myself to continue writing about the fears and points that I have now been facing, be it private or public.

I've realized that I have been slacking off on my process while I've been traveling and that it's now getting back at me with slackier practical application. It is very difficult for me to focus on writing now that I do not have a stable environment to do that in, so I write more rarely and more vaguely. I realize that I now face a challenge where the stability needed for writing has to be found within me alone, and this is a big challenge in itself – so why not fully focus on this, then? Perhaps having a clear guideline would help.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing because it feels now even more effortful than it did back home, not realizing that as my environment is in constant change I need to give myself extra support to have a proper writing environment every day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not publish the writings I have written daily because I have judged them to not be good enough, not realizing that if I gifted myself with the time and support I needed for writing I could finish the writings into a publishable shape.

I commit myself to dedicate myself writing time (pen and paper / computer) within the waking hours of each and every day no matter where I am, and I commit myself to ensure myself proper privacy, silence and physical support (food/drink/sitting surface/lighting) within and as the realization that this “writing space” can be created anywhere with little effort.

When and as I resist doing my daily writing, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that if I do not write my practical application will become more slacky and that this will lead to all kinds of unpleasant and unnecessary emotional experiences. I check my surroundings to see if there is something I could do to improve my writing environment. I check myself for any excuses/justifications to not write and I clear these out with self-honesty.

I commit myself to write even if it's something I cannot publish in my blog within and as the realization that even though it is important to share so that others would find support I am writing mainly for myself.

Day 239: The Savior / The Goddess / The Holy Mary

21052013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 237: Meetings and partings

Day 238: Resisting self-reliance

Some SF left out for the sake of privacy.

Direct continuation to Day 238: Resisting self-reliance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect X's company to make me feel welcome, secure, safe and liked as I wish to repeat the experience I had with him and the others earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe one person can re-create an experience induced by an entire group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am looking for the missing pieces of my puzzle in others, not realizing that I am the one who gifted myself with these pieces in the first place when the enjoyable interaction with these people happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for the enjoyable moment I had with others and instead believe and perceive that the others gave me this experience, not realizing that I made the experience fun and enjoyable by expressing mysef freely, not being afraid of other people, being active and suggesting activity for the group and by appreciating each person that was present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when this experience faded as I did not realize that every experience will fade eventually, not realizing that even though the experience faded me and the others were still open, social and active with each other and that this was very nice in itself even without the “high” experience - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then try and hold on to the experience by holding onto the people that were present, mistaking them to be the cause of my experience, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the cause was myself all along and that I do not need to be afraid because I am not going anywhere.

When and as I am enjoying the company of others - "having fun" - I stop, I breathe and I ask myself who is causing me to experience the enjoyment: me or the others. I pay attention to my application within the interaction and push myself to be self-honest about what is moving me. I realize that interaction between beings is, for me, not about who the others are but who I am with the others. I re-direct my application in the moment if necessary within and as the realization that I am "allowed" to change my direction within interaction if I so choose.

I commit myself to realize that all experience will fade.

--

Continuing with another point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not address what I saw/guessed X's motivation/starting point to be, thus accepting and allowing his self-abuse to continue (if this was in fact the case).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather play along with another's self-abuse because it gave me the chance to play out one of my favourite characters: “the savior” / “the goddess” / “the Holy Mary” / “the healer”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself a “savior character” through which I could feel needed, worthwhile, special, superior, appreciated and accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live as “the savior” because I could boost my self-esteem through it, creating myself the illusion that I was appreciated and worthwhile, when in fact I have been replacing my self-acceptance and my sense of self-worth with the appreciation of others (or the illusion thereof).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others by ignoring their self-abuse, rather living as the savior character to “feed off” on others for my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “the savior character” only serves my self-interest and does not consider what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though helping others is most necessary, “the savior character” is not required for doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go with “the savior character” when another needs help instead of stopping, breathing and actually assessing the situation to see what's really necessary to be done – to see what the other needs instead of serving my interests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to others to figure out what they actually need when within “the savior character” as I have already had a ready “helping pattern” to live by – not realizing that this pattern does not consider the actual person in front of me and might not serve his/her needs in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when trying to listen to another because I have actually just wanted to act out my “helping patterns”, which consist of lines, advice, suggestions, gestures and actions that I have defined as “helpful” or “comforting”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to react with gratitude to my “helping patterns” because I have used this positive reaction as a validation of my worth and success - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this pattern because this reaction is what usually occurs in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to save another, not realizing that a person can only be saved by themselves.

I commit myself to realize that the difference between helping others and "saving" others is that the goal of helping is to support and assist the other to become self-supported, whereas in "saving" others the goal is to have another be dependent on me.

I commit myself to let others carry responsibility for themselves and face the consequences of their actions and choices, supporting them to face their bullshit themselves but not carrying it for them, within and as the realization that "allowing" another to "take the blows" will enhance their growth (if they so choose).

I commit myself to stop feeding off on others' misfortune for my own elevation, when and as I interact with another in a supportive way, by stopping, breathing and asking myself what my starting point is. I ask myself if I am really listening to the other or not. I remind myself that how I see the person is not how he/she really is but just a perception, and that all of my suggestions for help are thus guesses as well. I remind myself that the healing process of another is not up to me but up to the other as the only one who can move anyone of us is ourselves.

I commit myself to realize I am worthwhile even if I didn't "save" anyone but myself.

I commit myself to focus on "saving" myself and to allow others to deal with their bullshit themselves, supporting and assisting others only in ways that do not compromise who I am.

Day 238: Resisting self-reliance

20052013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 237: Meetings and partings

(I am continuing later with more points that opened up in the experiences described in the previous post.)

(Quote from yesterday)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get tired in my constant challenge to be self-reliant and thus allow myself to fall when there has been a safe environment to rely on instead.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming self-reliant because I have enjoyed relying on others as it has been comfortable to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive it is OK to rely on others because I enjoy it and because it does not appear to harm others, not realizing that I am doing harm onto myself by accepting and allowing myself to live as less than I could be, and that the harm to others is done through me living as a “lesser being”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming self-reliant because I have perceived and believed it to be “a lot of work” and “a burdensome task”, not realizing that even though it does require a lot of work and conscious effort it only becomes a burden by my own decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that becoming self-reliant and self-supported is an essential part of a human being's process of maturing, and that I will not be a fully grown being until I carry responsibility for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist becoming self-reliant because relying on others to carry responsibility for me and create my experience for me has been within my comfort zone as it has not required me to move at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe the process to grow myself out of the habit of relying on others to be “a challenge”, here associating the word “challenge” with heavy pushing and non-existent results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the process of becoming self-reliant will bring no “rewards” and that I am only doing it because I “have to” – not seeing, realizing and understanding that the “reward” here is to live as a being who will no longer live within relationships of dependency, which I have witnessed to only bring about sorrow, pain, chaos, frustration, disappointment, demands and self-compromise.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is essential for all of us to become self-reliant in order for dependency and its consequences to disappear from our existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hesitate becoming self-reliant because I have been afraid that it would prove to be “worse” than relying on others – meaning more lonely, more isolated, more depressing, more passive.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive independence to mean separation from other people, not realizing that only when we are all fully independent and take responsibility for ourselves are we fully equal to and one with each other, because then all will have the one and same responsibility: themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am right now in such a situation where my sense of stability is constantly “being tested” because I have nothing permanent with me expect for myself (and my backbag, but even that may get stolen so I cannot rely on it), and that I am thus in a more sensitive position and waver easily, and that it is no wonder I occasionally fall when I find a temporary source of stability in my environment – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for falling without considering the circumstances I am in, not being merciful with myself when I am in a truly challenging situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think it is “bad” to fall and rely on others for temporary stability, not realizing that in these circumstances it may sometimes be necessary for me to not go completely off-balance, assuming that I am aware of what I am doing and directing myself.

I commit myself to show mercy towards myself by forgiving myself when I fall out of stability and allowing myself to be assisted by other people / external factors to regain my stance.

I commit myself to further investigate the exact practical patterns that occur when and as I lose self-stability and become reliant on external factors.

I commit myself to realize that self-reliance is a requirement of equality and oneness by looking at relationships of dependency and asking myself whether equality and oneness are present in these relationships.

Day 237: Meetings and partings

19052013

Getting addicted to a sense of stability created by external factors apparently happens really easily and very fast. Without too much details, in a couple of days I got attached to a certain environment (people, location, activities) with such intensity that even though leaving it all behind to continue with my journey was at first relatively easy, I suddenly broke down and noticed myself to be utterly torn by it. I have now been writing to pull myself out of this experience.

I notice that here, “on the road”, especially when traveling alone, two things happen. Either I find myself “not connecting” with people because of my independent way of going around, or I completely latch onto others to create my experience for me when I do “connect”. The in-between where I'd connect but also be independent is here every now and then, but then I fall very easily by believing a thought for example. I think this is what has happened here.

A couple of days ago I “joined” a group of people whom I enjoyed very much. At first I did things out of my own activeness, having “joined in” from a stable position, but then stuff happened and I declined – things happened and I allowed myself to fall. I will now go through these events (partly in private SF) to see where I went wrong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to spend an evening out with the expectation that it will be fun and that I will experience many energetic fun things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with joy and energeticness to my expectations/wishes/hopes being fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to spend a fun evening out with a bunch of people so that I could “feel alive” and escape my own company.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the company of others to escape myself and my fear of being alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to subconsciously “scan” my company in search of someone I could imprint on. [I actually noticed this habit this time, yet I didn't know how to deal with it and the program kept running.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself onto a person whom I “connected with” in a different way than with others, not realizing that this moment of “connection” was actually a moment where both really saw each other and faced each other with no fear, which is not something “special” or “more” as compared to the other people present but simply that which ought to be in between each and every being on Earth.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel entitled to the attention of the one I attached myself to because I perceived our moment of connection to be “special” and thus defined our relationship to be “special”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to boost my “certainty/independence character” with the positive energy I got from my expectations being fulfilled.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to inhibit my speech and suppress my experience because maintaining my “certainty character” required so, thus not fully expressing myself to a person I am not likely to meet or connect with again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create scenarios where I do meet the person again and “make things right” and thus believe that by living out this scenario I “fix” that which caused my experience of regret – not realizing that these scenarios do not address the behavioral patterns that led to these events and that by fixing one string of consequences I will still not have fixed the actual cause.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully express to X how I actually experienced our meeting, our interaction and our parting; even though I mainly did, these emotional reactions indicate that there was something that I suppressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel sad about probably not meeting X again, not realizing that in a world of billions of people it is not necessary or practical to attach oneself to others – we are not special, yet everyone is special in their own way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to elevate one person above others because I have perceived our relationship to be “special”, not realizing that when I elevate one I bring all others down and make them “less special”, within this not realizing that each and every being is of the same exact value.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the “connection” I had with X to have been “special” because we were approximately of the same age group and cultural background which made it easier for us to relate to each other and thus faster to “connect” - not realizing that even though with others of different backgrounds finding this “connection” might be more difficult or time-consuming it is still of the same value than the fast one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that X will be insulted, hurt or become spiteful by the way we parted, not realizing that he was there, too, to create that interaction and that I am not the only one responsible of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to attach myself to the people, location and activities within which I momentarily felt very safe, welcome and embraced, thus reacting with sadness, distress, regret and panic when I realized that my environment had changed and would never return to what it had been.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make things more dramatic by i.e. thinking that something will "never happen again" - not realizing that even though a specific moment of life will never be repeated in its exact form, I cannot know what the future holds, who I will meet and what I will do - and that I am the co-creator of my future along with everyone else within this existence and am thus not helpless to just watch my life happening in front of me "never" or "always".

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that I am the only constant building block of my life and that I have thus accepted and allowed myself to lay my sense of stability on others when I had the chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get tired in my constant challenge to be self-reliant and thus allow myself to fall when there has been a safe environment to rely on instead. [*This point needs to be expanded on.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waver in my decision to let go of the familiar environment I had become fond of when I saw X's reaction to it, sympathizing with him and feeling bad for causing him to feel this way, yet suppressing this guilt, regret and fondness underneath the “certainty/independence character” and pushing forward with my decision without addressing these emotions/feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to appear strong and independent and thus suppress feelings and emotions that do not fit my definition of “strength” (which is pretty much all emotions and feelings).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself for “fucking up” when I realized that I had suppressed myself and thus lived dishonestly and caused myself and another to feel really bad, not realizing that blame will not assist and support me to deal with the origins of this issue, nor will it help in sorting out its consequences.

Alright. I've got to now catch some sleep before I go climb a mountain. I am pretty sure I will keep on processing this point during my solitary hike, so I will most likely keep on writing about this tomorrow.

Day 236: A realization on breathing while in pain

18052013

Having a hangover while also going through menstruation pain is kind of an extreme torture experience. Deciding to go out into fresh air and walk a little actually helped, while sitting down and moaning in a stuffy hostel full of hungover people didn't. Also, the painkillers probably kicked in. It was interesting to face this experience within and as the realization that it will pass, not giving my thoughts control over me to make the experience seem worse than it is. I returned to breath and it helped a little, it cleared my head and helped me locate the pain / poisoning in my body. But breath wasn't enough in itself: being within breath was simply seeing what was necessary to be done, which I then had to get up and do. This kinda puts it into perspective, the function of breath: it itself will not do the work for me, but it is the knowledge, clarity and presence which is required before action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that magnify the experience of physical discomfort/pain/sickness I am in, such as:

• “this pain is too much”
• “I will not survive this”
• “oh god holy fuck whoa this pain is intense”
• “the medicine is not working”
• “the medicine is not going to work anyway”
• “the medicine is not working fast enough”
• “come on medicine, work already!”
• “I feel so bad/sick/painful”
• “I am in pain”

- not realizing that by thinking about the pain my focus will only be in the experience of pain instead of in finding a solution/cure for the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that stopping and breathing is the first step towards a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when sick, in pain or otherwise not aligned with my physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when breathing and focusing on my physical didn't take the pain away, returning to the mind by thinking “this is not working”, not realizing that self-aware breathing is not a magic trick that will fix everything for me, but a tool to return me to what is actually here from which I am going to have to actually move myself with conscious effort to get anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the tool of breathing and physical self-awareness to solve my issues for me, not realizing that this tool is just for showing me the way which I'm then responsible to walk myself.

When and as I am in pain, sick or otherwise non-aligned with my physical body – I stop, I breathe and I locate the source of the non-alignement in my body. I then take the necessary action to solve, help or lighten the issue. I will not accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts that magnify the experience of pain within and as the realization that then my focus will only be in the experience of pain and not in the solution with which the experience will permanently fade.

Day 235: Get away from me!

16052013

An interesting experience has risen up and I need to now write it out. It is something that has occurred in me in some previous relationships, but my situation now isn't like those, so I can get a fresh perspective on this.

I am traveling in South-Korea, and I am currently staying at the apartment of a person who I connected with at Coucsurfing. I am quite far from the centre of Seoul at a suburban area. He is being very kind to me, and his willingness to “give” his time, effort, money and resources is starting to overwhelm me.

At least in two previous romantic relationships I have gotten this huge overwhelming anxiety and just wanted to escape, and usually I did one way or another. They have been relationships where I have seen that the other is more “into it” than I am – meaning that the other has been more committed to and more invested in the relationship and more eager to spend time with it intensively and even lose themselves in it – whereas I have not really been there, I have not really been interested in the other person, I have not wanted to meet them that often, something in just being with them has made me feel like I'm in the wrong place. I have seen that we are there for different reasons, or that we are “out of sync” - and I have compromised myself in their presence because I have been unable to communicate this, and thus I have rather escaped the person by for example breaking off the relationship.

Alright, yes, that's the problem. In this situation with this host of mine I firstly feel like I am “at his mercy” because I am far away from subway lines and because we came here by car – but here I do not realize that he has told me where all the bus stops are and how I can get to the centre by bus. So this is clearly a misconception. Secondly, I am worried that the fact that he paid for our groceries and is giving me so much of his possessions “means” that he is expecting something from me – the worst-case scenario being sex – when I do not see the fact that he lives alone and is very lonely and is most likely simply happy to have some company. And my company I am happy to share – I've just got to make sure I communicate myself clearly and honestly and take care of my “personal space”, that I don't give my time any more than I actually can. The self-compromise is an issue here.

So, the issue seems to be with not wanting to address another's starting point for his actions because I fear conflict. And as I avoid discussing this I get stuck and compromise myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get stuck in an unknown place, lost and alone, and that no one will help me or understand me – not realizing that I am in the middle of a densely populated area where there is bound to be someone who would/could help me if I asked for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to survive in case my worst-case scenarios come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build worst-case scenarios “just in case” in order to ensure my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see another person through fear and believe the perception I create through fear, not realizing that looking at things through fear distorts things to appear according to my fears – which is not the equivalent of what is actually here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive the hospitality and generosity of another to be an act of desperation and fear, not realizing that if there is desperation and fear in the other's starting point this may be addressed, and that this starting point still doesn't remove the fact that he is being of tremendous help to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and to feel guilty for not being grateful of another's hospitality when I actually have expressed my gratitude, both in words and deeds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about another's willingness to spend time with me as I have perceived him to be acting out of desperation and fear, feeling uncomfortable in his presence as I have felt like my personal space or needs are “not considered” - not realizing that I am the one who has to consider myself and that thus I need to express my needs and claim the space that I require – and that this is not “rude” or “impolite” but an act of taking care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another will react negatively if I claim my personal space / act according to my needs because I am used to taking it personally if another reacts, and that I have thus avoided claiming my personal space and instead waited around for it to be “given” to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reactions of another are not my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about another suggesting common activities for my remaining travel time, wanting to “decide for myself” and “make plans by myself” - not realizing that I am anxious and feel limited because I perceive the other to have “power over me” because of my unwillingness to be “impolite” and refuse his offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically refuse the suggestion of another because I have created an image of the other as “desperate” and believed this suggestion as well to be “desperate” and “clingy” instead of looking at what the suggestion would actually entail and whether it might actually be something I'd like to do – yet also keeping in mind that if the starting point of the other is fear I am responsible to not participate in order to not support his mind-fucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe myself to be “helpless” in front of people who get really excited about spending time with me as I have believed and perceived that I “have to” spend time with them because it makes them so happy – not realizing that I am doing the other a disservice by not questioning their self-consuming actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be OK with my host's generosity because I come from a culture of a different kind of expressing hospitality than this one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fully opening myself in my host's presence because I have feared that this will be misunderstood as “romantic interest” as it often has been, as it is not common for people to be open with each other and face each other without fear and thus those who are fearless are often clung onto because they “shine” in the middle of everyone else – not realizing that misunderstandings can be solved by addressing them immediately when they occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking my host directly in the eye because I have feared that this fearlessness will be misinterpreted as “romantic interest”.

I commit myself to have my well-being as a priority as I see, realize and understand that I am responsible of myself only – not of other fully adult human beings.

I commit myself to trust myself to be able to find a way to survive as I see, realize and understand that I am surrounded by beings just like me on a planet that is of the one and same matter no matter where I go.

When and as I face a conflict with another person, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that this being is one with and equal to me – that we are the one and same – and I place myself “in the shoes” of the other. I see myself in the other and ask myself what it is I need. I place the other within myself and ask myself what I am not accepting. I then find a solution based on this self-honest assessment.

I commit myself to push through my fear of being open with another by breathing and relaxing my body and physically opening myself up within and as the realization that if there are misunderstandings they can be solved.

I commit myself to not accept and allow signs of misunderstandings to slip by and to address them immediately when they occur in order to not accumulate misunderstandings even further.

I commit myself to reconsider my host's suggestions without fear and prejudice.

Day 234: "Having a romantic interest" as an addiction

15052013

[Today I opened up a point in private writings, here's some excerpt and SF on it.]

[Here I'm speaking mostly from the perspective of childhood experiences.]

Rejection. My romantic interests have rejected me ever since the first one. There have been few mutual ones, and some that I haven't responded to. I have built up this hope and this positive experience of another, positive view of another, expectations of the other being the most wonderful person ever, and when I have been denied access to this I have blamed myself for it – I have not been good enough. And it has been like all of my foundation has been crumbled away: I have laid out myself on the image of another person, a person I have not even known, thinking of this image as the “earth beneath my feet” because the energy charge of this has been so strong that it has helped me survive my daily adversities of being bullied, isolated and self-abused. So “having a romantic interest” has been an addiction to me, a drug to keep me going, something with which to replace self-support. Romantic interests and the related fantasies have been my “rosy glasses”, my distraction, my escape from the actual issues haunting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to the energy I have received from having a romantic interest, as I have used this energy to fuel me in my daily living which was consuming to me because of all the adversity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose one person among a selection of suitable people (usually being physically available within my daily living and being approximately in my age group has been enough) according to the energetic reaction I have had towards this person on first encounter (“first impression”) as related to others available, choosing the one towards which my reaction was most overwhelming and most positive – then placing this person in a “special position” where I would start building fantasies and scenarios around this person according to the model my world had presented me (through movies, fairytales, books, media, celebrities), building up expectations, hopes and desires that these scenarios would come true so that I could release the anticipation and experience all the energy I had been promised, thus also creating fear that this person would no longer “be available” and that he would be “stolen” from me by someone “better” than me, fearing that all the scenarios and hopes and desires and plans I had invested in would collapse, because I would then collapse as the hole within me that I ignored with all this is still there, waiting to be noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build fantasies and scenarios of “security” and “safety” around this one selected person because I did not feel safe or secure within my world and within myself and instead of looking at myself for the cause and remedy searched for a “quick fix” from outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat this scenario time and time again without realizing that the problem is within me, that it is not about “having the wrong person” or me being “not good enough” - it is this desire to have a romantic interest that is causing me trouble because I have been clearly unable to live without one as I have always latched myself onto another after the last attempt has “failed”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as I have not felt secure, safe or stable within my living, to search for security, safety and stability from other people instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my “lack” is due to my immaturity as a human being which is the result of me growing up in a world that is immature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for the elements that I lack due to an imbalanced childhood from others, not realizing that it is not another's responsibility to give me what I lack so that I could live as a seemingly complete, yet actually incomplete being for the rest of my days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my responsibility to grow back my “missing limbs”, because when given by others it is but a “wooden leg” the giving of which consumes the other, and that me growing out of my own immaturity is the only known option that considers the best of all, not just my self-interest.

This leaves me with the question: why do I feel insecure, unstable and unsafe? Knowing the basics of developmental psychology, I'd say something in my process of growing up has been disturbed as a child – but when and how? This may have something to do with my relationship to my father. During my childhood he was “never there” because he was always working, and when he was actually present it was be uncertain whether he would be stressed and tired or really happy and cheerful – so I could never really trust him to “always be there for me” because sometimes he was obviously too tired to put up with my child-existence, and even though he tried to cover this up I of course noticed. So maybe I'm looking for that stability, that reliability that was never there from other men, trying to find the stability that I was supposed to learn from my father/parents but never did. Children learn by mimicking: I was never shown stability, safety, certainty, security in terms of a being's “inner balance”. Thus I did not learn this as a child, when all I had to mimic was unreliable emotional expression and self-abuse.

So, right. Whatever it has been, I have picked this all up as a child when I have actually been helpless about my life. What I didn't pick up when it would have been easy, I'm going to have to practice now when it's difficult, and that can only happen through consistent practicing: stopping the pattern, questioning it, not living according to it, directing myself otherwise. Moment after moment after moment. Walking myself out of this mess is not going to be easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be consistent about stopping the related mind-patterns [which I opened up in private writings] as I have not realized that walking myself out of a dependency / addiction is the most difficult thing I will ever do because I resist it with all of my mind, and that it thus requires all of my effort to sort it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop these patterns every time they occur and instead allow them to run for a while and only notice and stop them until they accumulate enough fear/desire within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy about my writings as I have not been specific enough to actually assist and support me to overcome these mind-patterns.

I commit myself to map out these mind-patterns in full detail so that I can flag them and actually notice and immediately stop them when and as they occur.

I commit myself to no longer follow these mind patterns because I see, realize and understand that they will only lead to fear and/or desire and that I will end up looping in-between these polarities – neither one of which is based on reality.

I commit myself to write about the self-suppression related to this point. [Not mentioned here.]

Day 233: The value of language

14052013

I have been thinking a lot about language. I was just now watching korean TV programs with some people at my hostel and we were talking about how weird it is to watch TV when we don't understand the language: “we can't really say if this is comedy or not”. But as I was looking at the cheerful soap operas, dramatic movies and sugary commercials, I realized that I did understand them, that which was essential about them: that which was actually lived out in the flesh. I had no idea what the idols were singing about, but I did see what they were attempting to portray and whether they believed in their facade or not. I did not know what the character was sad about, but I did see the tears on her face; I didn't know what shocked her, but I saw the way she looked at the TV and trembled. I didn't know what the lady was angry about, but I did understand the tone of her shouting voice. Shortly put: I saw action, I saw movement – and that was enough for me to understand what was actually going on. The details of the motives as expressed in words were not relevant to what was actually happening in matter.

While I've been here I've also got a glimpse into how koreans (and other asians) perceive the english language. I've realized that it has been almost completely stripped of its practical value as a tool of communication, and now it is most commonly used as a trinket – a cheap jewel; some words have been charged with special emotions, feelings and meanings that may have nothing to do with the actual meaning/usage of the word. Thus we end up with cafes and restaurants and shops and clothes with english words all over them, yet none of these people adorning themselves with them cannot actually speak english. The value of this specific language has been stripped to uselessness. (I don't know about korean's/asian's attitude towards learning foreign languages in general or if this is just a thing towards english).

So I realized that I have also valued some things about language more than the actual communicative value. For example, I see myself reacting every time a word is mispronounced or misspelled Here I react to the language not being spoken “my way” - the way I perceive it to be “correct” - and do not consider whether what was being said was comprehendible or not within current context. Having a common set of rules for a language is necessary and has immense practical value, but there must be another way of supporting others' knowledge of languages than acting trough reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that expressing motives with words is necessary so that others would fully understand what is happening, not realizing that the matter uses no words and is still fully comprehendible by simply being HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that to express the specific workings of the mind is necessary – not realizing that what actually matters is that which happens in matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that emotions/feelings have value in themselves, not realizing that what actually matters is what happens in flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to the mind than the matter that is being moved by it – the consequences that need to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to things being “incorrect” and “out of place” when I have read someone misspell a word or heard someone mispronounce a word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with self-judgement every time I have misspelled or mispronounced a word, feeling like I “have to” correct myself so that I would be aligned with “reality” again (what I perceive and believe to be the “real” way of using a language).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct my reality based on how I have been told things are “for real”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe the way english was taught to me in school to be the “real”/”true”/”correct” way of using english language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the practical value of a language is to work as a tool of communication between people (beings with higher cognitive functions / a mind) so that we could share our experience with each other, and that even though using language along the same rules has a crucial role in this so that a word is understood similarly between all participants, there is no universally “real”, “true” or “correct” way of using a language because words are just symbols with meanings we have agreed to charge them with - like empty cups filled with varying liquids – and that us having a hegemonic way of using a language at this point in time does not mean that this way is the one and only and that language cannot be redefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have heard a mispronunciation / read a misspelling, to only see my reaction to things being “out of place” instead of looking at whether this mistake was relative to whether the other got himself understood or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to correct others' mispronunciations / misspellings from the starting point of wanting to “put things in place” instead of looking at whether it is relevant or not to correct the other at this moment in terms of comprehensibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stability into a world of chaos by organizing the language I use and others use as “correctly” as possible, allowing no flexibility in the usage of words without seeing, realizing and understanding that the meanings and forms of words are bound to change along with the people who use them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think and see “incorrect!” when a word is misspelled / mispronounced, not looking at what is actually causing the other to use the language in a way that is different from mine.

When and as I react to a mispronunciation or a misspelling - by myself or another – I commit myself to stop, breathe and remind myself that I am reacting to my worldview being challenged. I realize I am holding onto language as an unfaltering structure to compensate for my lack of inner stability. I stabilize myself in breath and look at how and why the word was used “incorrectly” to see whether the reason was such that it is necessary to be “corrected” - for example, if the word was understood similarly by all participants it may not need to be straightened out.