3110-02112013
This post is a continuation to my previous post.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to direct myself in
each and every breath of my living by escaping the feeling of
heaviness I have created through self-judgement into activities that
amount to nothing in this reality that is shared by all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when these moments of curling
up into a comfortable, solitary spot to do something with no
substance or relevance occur, I am not directing myself within and as
the principle of “what is best for all” but that I am instead
directed by the desires I have created within and as self-interest.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that self-interest doesn't actually
bring about what is best for me because it doesn't consider what is
best for all, which is directly tied to what is best for me as an
individual.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the word
“self-interest” means self-care, not realizing that when my focus
(interest) is solely on myself I am not considering myself as a part
of a whole but rather perceiving myself to BE the whole, and that
when I do not consider myself as the particle of reality that I
really am, I am not taking care of myself in the best possible way
but neglecting some (possibly important) perspectives on how to care
for my well-being by considering the entire reality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to desire for a release from the experience of
heaviness - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself
to desire to “do nothing” to compensate for “doing everything”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create myself the feeling of “doing
everything” (being burdened) by judging myself to be “not good
enough” - doing too little too slowly and too poorly – never
doing “enough” and feeling like I'd have to do “everything”
to be “good enough”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot do everything because
it is physically impossible, and that my standard of reaching all of
my goals is unrealistic and thus not supportive at all.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to set myself goals that are unsupportive.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not utilize planning and setting goals as a
structure to motivate me and support me to finish difficult long-term
tasks, but that I have instead used planning and goals as a
measurement of my own worth, mainly to tell myself how “little” I
am now and how “much” I could be in the future, not realizing
that even though the purpose of this method has also been to motivate
me to act, the source of motivation in this method is fear (“what I
am now is bad – I must become something better to avoid
consequences”) instead of motivation coming from the realization of
who and what I am and what it is I am capable of.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to use self-judgement to motivate myself to become
“better”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that self-judgement is
necessary for me to learn from my mistakes – that I must show some
kind of “regret” for my mistakes and diminish myself in order to
make it clear that I understand that I made a mistake and that I will
not do the same mistake again.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that expressing remorse
through self-diminishment is necessary so that others would not get
angry at me.
- The memory of me around 4-5 years old dropping eggshells into batter and my mother reacting with sharp and loud words that told me I had made a mistake – mom exerting her emotions on me - I was frightened by her attack on me – felt horrible emotionally, started crying and ran away.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my responsibilities and
thus make it feel as if I am “doing everything”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that it is impossible for me to do
“more” than what I am capable of, and that whatever I do I am in
fact able to do – meaning that when I do things that make me feel
heavy I am not in fact doing “too much” but acting through
resistance and making possible tasks feel impossible.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resist my responsibilities because I have made
them feel “heavy” through self-judgement: I perceive myself to be
a failure already so I don't even want to try.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that when something
feels heavy and difficult, “I can't do it”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when a task feels big
and heavy, I am small and unable in comparison and “incapable” of
getting the task done – not realizing that starting, working on and
completing a task is a matter of breath-to-breath movements, which I
am capable of assisting and supporting myself to carry out when and
as I am standing within and as breath grounded in the physical.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that writing my blog is
“too much”, not realizing that in all simplicity all it requires
is that I arrange a comfortable environment for writing, open a blank
text file and start putting down words one letter at a time about
what I am experiencing at the very moment.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my writing by setting myself a standard according to which just writing about my current experience is “not good enough” but that I would need to come to fundamental realization about myself every single day – not realizing that sometimes I get so “stuck” that it is required for me to write through the daily grind before seeing the “big picture” of what is going on with me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that reading my school
books is “too much”, not realizing that studying these books, no
matter how many, is simply a matter of arranging myself a comfortable
reading spot, having the book and pen and paper with me, getting the
basic outlines of the book through the introduction and the index,
and then simply reading one word at a time, one sentence at a time,
one paragraph at a time, and making notes as I go.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my studying by setting myself a standard according to which I'd need to read a lot of pages at once and get the task done as soon as possible because of the amount of reading I need to do, thus not even trying when I'd only have a little time to read or when I believe and perceive myself to be “too tired” to absorb the information.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that taking care of
housework is “too much”, not realizing that all these tasks are
really simple (washing the dishes, watering the plants, taking the
trash, cleaning the floors) and only require me to move myself one
inch at a time, no matter how slowly and gradually.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself taking care of my household work by believing and perceiving that “I'm too tired to get on my feet”, thus never even trying to stand up, breathe myself into stability and move myself one inch at a time to gradually get the chores done.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge myself to have “failed” in the
discussion from the previous day, carrying this self-judgement with
me unaddressed until the next day and thus accumulating the
experience of being a “failure”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel like the discussion was a “failure”
because some points were left unresolved, not realizing that because
there is/was a chance of still resolving those points and thus
correcting my behavior, no such thing as “failure” has (yet)
happened and can still be fully avoided.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that not all points can be fully
resolved within a single discussion and that processing a point may
take time and several discussions before a conclusion is reached.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to carry full responsibility for a discussion that
happened between two participants and feel guilty for “not making
it work”, not realizing that I am not responsible for how the other
person behaved within the situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear disappointing my employers by making a
mistake and thus appearing “unworthy” of their trust and
appreciation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to stress about “failing” at work every time I
do something that I know to include a chance of “something going
wrong” - not realizing that basically any action I commit at my
work place (even just walking from point A to point B!) includes the
possibility of some damage happening to my work place (I could
carelessly tip over a chair which could break when hitting the floor)
– and that because the possibility of something getting damaged is
always present whenever I am at my work place it is not relevant to
be mindful of the “dangers” because my employers have taken a
conscious risk there by opening a business that includes other people
using your property unsupervised.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that some of the risks of “things
going wrong” are such that I could easily prevent, for example by
taking the cash register key with me when I go get stuff from the
storage.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to stress about not being nice enough to the
customers and causing them to not want to come to the bar again, not
realizing that in order to make people feel actually welcome I need
to be myself unsuppressed with any and all customers instead of
wearing a polite “nice persona” out of fear of myself not being
“good enough”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by suppressing myself at work
I build the bar into a place of self-suppression, making customers
feel tense and unwelcome, whereas by not suppressing myself and by
expressing myself unlimited I build the bar into a place of
self-integrity, self-honesty and real human interaction, which might
alienate some but work in everyone's favour in the long run.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel obligated to wear a “nice personality”
at work because of how I have experienced the feedback of one of my
employers, not realizing that I don't need to wear a mask to be kind,
considerate and friendly.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge myself for making mistakes at work, not
realizing that self-judgement (“I am so stupid”) works as a
defense mechanism to not take in the feedback and actually consider
how I could improve in my job, because here I use self-judgement to
distance myself from who I was when making the mistake (myself) by
creating a character out of who I was when making the mistake
(“stupid”).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that making mistakes is
unavoidable, and that when and as I make mistakes I will best
“redeem” myself by stopping to consider who I was when making the
mistake, forgiving myself for the mistake and reconstructing myself
so that I will not repeat the same mistake again (but instead make
new kinds of mistakes, lol).
When and as I receive feedback at work
about something I could improve on, I commit myself to stop, breathe
and consider who I was when making the mistake. I consider the
reasons for why I should change my behavior and make sure I see why
it is necessary I change. I then forgive myself for the mistake and,
if necessary, build a mind pattern that will remind me to change my
behavioral patterns when and as the action is at hand.
I commit myself to investigate the
characters, personalities and masks I carry with me at work and to
release them in writing, self-forgiveness and breathing.
When and as I think I have made a
“mistake” or “failed”, I commit myself to look at how the
situation could be corrected instead of reveling in self-judgement as
I see, realize and understand that self-judgement doesn't contribute
to finding a solution in any way whatsoever.
When and as I feel like “doing
nothing” - I stop, I breathe and I ask myself why I feel like
“doing nothing” and what it is I should be doing but resist
instead. I check myself for the feeling of heaviness / being
burdened, and if the experience of heaviness is here, I realize that
have accumulated it through some kind of self-abuse. I check my
recent past (last 48 hours) for self-judgement or other kinds of
self-abuse and self-neglect. Instead of “doing nothing” and
escaping the heaviness I have created, I deal with the origin of the
heaviness in whatever ways I can – breathing, resting, speaking,
writing, discussing – and release the points I come across in
self-forgiveness.
When and as a task feels like it's “too
much” - I stop, I breathe and I realize that by making something
seem “too much” I make myself appear “too little” in
comparison. I realize that this is not in fact true and that through
practice, patience and consistency any task is possible for me to
undertake: any task is one with and equal to me. I breathe and I
stabilize myself, and I look at the task at hand to map out the steps
that lead to its completion. I evaluate the amount of time and work
required for each step and according to this self-honest assessment
of reality I make a plan on how to get the task done. I then proceed
onto the “first step” and give it my full focus without worrying
about the next stages of the task.
