Day 236: A realization on breathing while in pain

18052013

Having a hangover while also going through menstruation pain is kind of an extreme torture experience. Deciding to go out into fresh air and walk a little actually helped, while sitting down and moaning in a stuffy hostel full of hungover people didn't. Also, the painkillers probably kicked in. It was interesting to face this experience within and as the realization that it will pass, not giving my thoughts control over me to make the experience seem worse than it is. I returned to breath and it helped a little, it cleared my head and helped me locate the pain / poisoning in my body. But breath wasn't enough in itself: being within breath was simply seeing what was necessary to be done, which I then had to get up and do. This kinda puts it into perspective, the function of breath: it itself will not do the work for me, but it is the knowledge, clarity and presence which is required before action.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in thoughts that magnify the experience of physical discomfort/pain/sickness I am in, such as:

• “this pain is too much”
• “I will not survive this”
• “oh god holy fuck whoa this pain is intense”
• “the medicine is not working”
• “the medicine is not going to work anyway”
• “the medicine is not working fast enough”
• “come on medicine, work already!”
• “I feel so bad/sick/painful”
• “I am in pain”

- not realizing that by thinking about the pain my focus will only be in the experience of pain instead of in finding a solution/cure for the pain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that stopping and breathing is the first step towards a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when sick, in pain or otherwise not aligned with my physical existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when breathing and focusing on my physical didn't take the pain away, returning to the mind by thinking “this is not working”, not realizing that self-aware breathing is not a magic trick that will fix everything for me, but a tool to return me to what is actually here from which I am going to have to actually move myself with conscious effort to get anywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the tool of breathing and physical self-awareness to solve my issues for me, not realizing that this tool is just for showing me the way which I'm then responsible to walk myself.

When and as I am in pain, sick or otherwise non-aligned with my physical body – I stop, I breathe and I locate the source of the non-alignement in my body. I then take the necessary action to solve, help or lighten the issue. I will not accept and allow myself to participate in thoughts that magnify the experience of pain within and as the realization that then my focus will only be in the experience of pain and not in the solution with which the experience will permanently fade.