Day 401: Trust issues

15052014

I have been writing things down again lately, but I haven't yet been able to produce text comprehensive enough for publishing. This is why today I chose to record a video based on what I had processed in writing and application earlier.

Day 235: Get away from me!

16052013

An interesting experience has risen up and I need to now write it out. It is something that has occurred in me in some previous relationships, but my situation now isn't like those, so I can get a fresh perspective on this.

I am traveling in South-Korea, and I am currently staying at the apartment of a person who I connected with at Coucsurfing. I am quite far from the centre of Seoul at a suburban area. He is being very kind to me, and his willingness to “give” his time, effort, money and resources is starting to overwhelm me.

At least in two previous romantic relationships I have gotten this huge overwhelming anxiety and just wanted to escape, and usually I did one way or another. They have been relationships where I have seen that the other is more “into it” than I am – meaning that the other has been more committed to and more invested in the relationship and more eager to spend time with it intensively and even lose themselves in it – whereas I have not really been there, I have not really been interested in the other person, I have not wanted to meet them that often, something in just being with them has made me feel like I'm in the wrong place. I have seen that we are there for different reasons, or that we are “out of sync” - and I have compromised myself in their presence because I have been unable to communicate this, and thus I have rather escaped the person by for example breaking off the relationship.

Alright, yes, that's the problem. In this situation with this host of mine I firstly feel like I am “at his mercy” because I am far away from subway lines and because we came here by car – but here I do not realize that he has told me where all the bus stops are and how I can get to the centre by bus. So this is clearly a misconception. Secondly, I am worried that the fact that he paid for our groceries and is giving me so much of his possessions “means” that he is expecting something from me – the worst-case scenario being sex – when I do not see the fact that he lives alone and is very lonely and is most likely simply happy to have some company. And my company I am happy to share – I've just got to make sure I communicate myself clearly and honestly and take care of my “personal space”, that I don't give my time any more than I actually can. The self-compromise is an issue here.

So, the issue seems to be with not wanting to address another's starting point for his actions because I fear conflict. And as I avoid discussing this I get stuck and compromise myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get stuck in an unknown place, lost and alone, and that no one will help me or understand me – not realizing that I am in the middle of a densely populated area where there is bound to be someone who would/could help me if I asked for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to survive in case my worst-case scenarios come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build worst-case scenarios “just in case” in order to ensure my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see another person through fear and believe the perception I create through fear, not realizing that looking at things through fear distorts things to appear according to my fears – which is not the equivalent of what is actually here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive the hospitality and generosity of another to be an act of desperation and fear, not realizing that if there is desperation and fear in the other's starting point this may be addressed, and that this starting point still doesn't remove the fact that he is being of tremendous help to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and to feel guilty for not being grateful of another's hospitality when I actually have expressed my gratitude, both in words and deeds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about another's willingness to spend time with me as I have perceived him to be acting out of desperation and fear, feeling uncomfortable in his presence as I have felt like my personal space or needs are “not considered” - not realizing that I am the one who has to consider myself and that thus I need to express my needs and claim the space that I require – and that this is not “rude” or “impolite” but an act of taking care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another will react negatively if I claim my personal space / act according to my needs because I am used to taking it personally if another reacts, and that I have thus avoided claiming my personal space and instead waited around for it to be “given” to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reactions of another are not my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about another suggesting common activities for my remaining travel time, wanting to “decide for myself” and “make plans by myself” - not realizing that I am anxious and feel limited because I perceive the other to have “power over me” because of my unwillingness to be “impolite” and refuse his offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically refuse the suggestion of another because I have created an image of the other as “desperate” and believed this suggestion as well to be “desperate” and “clingy” instead of looking at what the suggestion would actually entail and whether it might actually be something I'd like to do – yet also keeping in mind that if the starting point of the other is fear I am responsible to not participate in order to not support his mind-fucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe myself to be “helpless” in front of people who get really excited about spending time with me as I have believed and perceived that I “have to” spend time with them because it makes them so happy – not realizing that I am doing the other a disservice by not questioning their self-consuming actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be OK with my host's generosity because I come from a culture of a different kind of expressing hospitality than this one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fully opening myself in my host's presence because I have feared that this will be misunderstood as “romantic interest” as it often has been, as it is not common for people to be open with each other and face each other without fear and thus those who are fearless are often clung onto because they “shine” in the middle of everyone else – not realizing that misunderstandings can be solved by addressing them immediately when they occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking my host directly in the eye because I have feared that this fearlessness will be misinterpreted as “romantic interest”.

I commit myself to have my well-being as a priority as I see, realize and understand that I am responsible of myself only – not of other fully adult human beings.

I commit myself to trust myself to be able to find a way to survive as I see, realize and understand that I am surrounded by beings just like me on a planet that is of the one and same matter no matter where I go.

When and as I face a conflict with another person, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that this being is one with and equal to me – that we are the one and same – and I place myself “in the shoes” of the other. I see myself in the other and ask myself what it is I need. I place the other within myself and ask myself what I am not accepting. I then find a solution based on this self-honest assessment.

I commit myself to push through my fear of being open with another by breathing and relaxing my body and physically opening myself up within and as the realization that if there are misunderstandings they can be solved.

I commit myself to not accept and allow signs of misunderstandings to slip by and to address them immediately when they occur in order to not accumulate misunderstandings even further.

I commit myself to reconsider my host's suggestions without fear and prejudice.

Day 233: The value of language

14052013

I have been thinking a lot about language. I was just now watching korean TV programs with some people at my hostel and we were talking about how weird it is to watch TV when we don't understand the language: “we can't really say if this is comedy or not”. But as I was looking at the cheerful soap operas, dramatic movies and sugary commercials, I realized that I did understand them, that which was essential about them: that which was actually lived out in the flesh. I had no idea what the idols were singing about, but I did see what they were attempting to portray and whether they believed in their facade or not. I did not know what the character was sad about, but I did see the tears on her face; I didn't know what shocked her, but I saw the way she looked at the TV and trembled. I didn't know what the lady was angry about, but I did understand the tone of her shouting voice. Shortly put: I saw action, I saw movement – and that was enough for me to understand what was actually going on. The details of the motives as expressed in words were not relevant to what was actually happening in matter.

While I've been here I've also got a glimpse into how koreans (and other asians) perceive the english language. I've realized that it has been almost completely stripped of its practical value as a tool of communication, and now it is most commonly used as a trinket – a cheap jewel; some words have been charged with special emotions, feelings and meanings that may have nothing to do with the actual meaning/usage of the word. Thus we end up with cafes and restaurants and shops and clothes with english words all over them, yet none of these people adorning themselves with them cannot actually speak english. The value of this specific language has been stripped to uselessness. (I don't know about korean's/asian's attitude towards learning foreign languages in general or if this is just a thing towards english).

So I realized that I have also valued some things about language more than the actual communicative value. For example, I see myself reacting every time a word is mispronounced or misspelled Here I react to the language not being spoken “my way” - the way I perceive it to be “correct” - and do not consider whether what was being said was comprehendible or not within current context. Having a common set of rules for a language is necessary and has immense practical value, but there must be another way of supporting others' knowledge of languages than acting trough reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that expressing motives with words is necessary so that others would fully understand what is happening, not realizing that the matter uses no words and is still fully comprehendible by simply being HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that to express the specific workings of the mind is necessary – not realizing that what actually matters is that which happens in matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that emotions/feelings have value in themselves, not realizing that what actually matters is what happens in flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to the mind than the matter that is being moved by it – the consequences that need to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to things being “incorrect” and “out of place” when I have read someone misspell a word or heard someone mispronounce a word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with self-judgement every time I have misspelled or mispronounced a word, feeling like I “have to” correct myself so that I would be aligned with “reality” again (what I perceive and believe to be the “real” way of using a language).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct my reality based on how I have been told things are “for real”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe the way english was taught to me in school to be the “real”/”true”/”correct” way of using english language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the practical value of a language is to work as a tool of communication between people (beings with higher cognitive functions / a mind) so that we could share our experience with each other, and that even though using language along the same rules has a crucial role in this so that a word is understood similarly between all participants, there is no universally “real”, “true” or “correct” way of using a language because words are just symbols with meanings we have agreed to charge them with - like empty cups filled with varying liquids – and that us having a hegemonic way of using a language at this point in time does not mean that this way is the one and only and that language cannot be redefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have heard a mispronunciation / read a misspelling, to only see my reaction to things being “out of place” instead of looking at whether this mistake was relative to whether the other got himself understood or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to correct others' mispronunciations / misspellings from the starting point of wanting to “put things in place” instead of looking at whether it is relevant or not to correct the other at this moment in terms of comprehensibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stability into a world of chaos by organizing the language I use and others use as “correctly” as possible, allowing no flexibility in the usage of words without seeing, realizing and understanding that the meanings and forms of words are bound to change along with the people who use them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think and see “incorrect!” when a word is misspelled / mispronounced, not looking at what is actually causing the other to use the language in a way that is different from mine.

When and as I react to a mispronunciation or a misspelling - by myself or another – I commit myself to stop, breathe and remind myself that I am reacting to my worldview being challenged. I realize I am holding onto language as an unfaltering structure to compensate for my lack of inner stability. I stabilize myself in breath and look at how and why the word was used “incorrectly” to see whether the reason was such that it is necessary to be “corrected” - for example, if the word was understood similarly by all participants it may not need to be straightened out.

Days 210-211: Misunderstandings

20-21042013

As I have now been studying for my entrance exams I have been thinking about different studying techniques, and today I came across I memory from my teen years. When I was in junior high school (age 12-15) I had a friend who did very well in school. She once shared with us some of her methods for studying, which were i.e. reading the most relevant information right before going to bed so that it would have time to “brew” at the “back of her head”; and also keeping her school books next to her bed so that if she happened to wake up in the middle of the night she could read something from the book and then go back to sleep. I remember myself being overwhelmed by this as I could not conceive why anyone would want to study so much – my motivation to study was not that high – and I thought she was “odd” and “crazy” to study at times which I considered to be reserved for resting and when I would rather just read comics or prose. I remember myself and some other girls in the same group voicing this opinion of her being “odd” for doing such things – I did not mean ay harm by it, but was simply expressing my bewilderment.

So I realized how she might have actually interpreted this expression wrong. I realized that as I called her “odd” and “crazy” she might have taken this as a malicious act and experienced herself to have been teased, bullied and/or belittled by me/us. I then realized that some of my experiences of being bullied may have been similar misunderstandings, where I take the self-expression of another personally as it is not directly communicated that “I am now expressing my overwhelmedness”, lol, there are not many children who know how to do that.

As I was writing out the memory I also realized that I am not sure how my self-expression affected the expression and opinion of others. Within that group of friends my expression was quite powerful and unlimited – I had friends whom I could relax with and I was testing out different levels of dominance as my friends were somewhat submissive themselves. So when I expressed my overwhelmedness I remember the group being supportive of what I said – that she was “odd” and “crazy” - but I just now realized that I may have overridden people who were easy to influence with my opinions, causing them to agree with me as I was in an authoritative position because of my dominant expression. Which means that I just now realized what my responsibility was within that situation. This dominance that the group accepted and allowed me to uphold and execute was one of the things that led to the group breaking up later on, as the others started to resent my self-expression and later on excluded me from the group.

So what I'm seeing here is that a lot of my experiences with bullying may have been similar incidents where spite was suppressed and accumulated as I took things personally when they were not meant as such, and that I myself may have caused many similar situations as I have not realized my responsibility to be clear on my communication. This may be occurring even now as I'm becoming more honest and straightforward in my words yet not taking into consideration that my responsibility is to communicate myself as clearly as possible to avoid misunderstandings. Simply voicing my starting point – that I do not mean any harm but am instead communicating from this and this perspective – would be a great start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take another's self-expression personally as I have misinterpreted their words, tone and gestures to be a direct judgement of who I am, not seeing that it may simply be their self-expression of their experience which I do not fully grasp i.e. because of faults in communication.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the effects my self-expression as words, tone and gestures has on others when unclearly communicated and to not realize my responsibility within interaction to do my best to be understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to tell another being that she is “odd” and “crazy” without specifying that this is my reaction to my world-view clashing with another's which seemed “alien” to me as I had not yet at the time realized and learned to express that this is the process that I went through within that moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as a participant of interaction by assertively defining another being without specifying that this is by no means a valid assessment of her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my position within the above-mentioned group of friends by testing out different ways to dominate, control and lead others, not realizing that I was taking advantage of people who expressed their insecurity through submission whereas I expressed my insecurity through dominance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility as an equal participant of interaction by not being clear on my communication by thinking “oh well, I guess they got my point” and letting the unclear moments slip by.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be sensitive about the reactions of others as indicators of possible misunderstandings where I could then correct my expression accordingly to do what I can to avoid possible conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify abdicating my responsibility to correct unclear communication with the belief that people understand each other even without everything being voiced, not realizing that I am using this belief to not voice things that I find uncomfortable communicating to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have noticed another to react which may have indicated a misunderstanding, to react with fear and choose to “skip” clarifying my expression to another by thinking “oh well, I guess he/she got my point” so that I could avoid what I fear, which here is the possibility of conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself within my fear of conflict to ignore possible signs of misunderstandings (i.e. in the body language of others) so that I wouldn't have to solve the misunderstanding, because I fear that the process of solving a misunderstanding would lead to conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that attempting to solve a misunderstanding will probably lead to conflict and to thus fear solving misunderstandings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create this belief/perception that attempts to clear things out will become conflicts based on previous situations where I have tried to clear things out and have failed.

• Numerous memories arise concerning this:
  • In elementary school (age 9-10) when all my friends collectively decided to ignore me and no longer be friends with me I tried to solve the situation but no one would engage in discussion with me > I felt abandoned and powerless > my attempt proved futile because no one would respond.
  • When I was around 19 a friend of mine accused me of “idolizing my sister”, which was a perception she appeared to base on who I had been as a child but was no more. I told her this was no longer true and she would not believe me, and I felt that I was unfairly judged > my attempt to solve a misunderstanding proved futile because another would not listen to my words over her belief > I felt judged and misunderstood.
  • Around the age 20 I tried to speak to a group of friends about a communication issue I had noticed within the group. I sent everyone a message where I directly addressed the issue (people talking shit behind each other's backs and not communicating directly to each other) and nobody replied. I was later on excluded from the group and from this I concluded that the habit of talking shit about people behind their backs continued in my case as well. > I realize that in this case I was reactive within the message I sent as I was frustrated and wanted someone to interact with me instead of “fading away” as they always did > I felt like the interaction was a failure because I got no response.

In all of the above-mentioned memories the common nominator for “failure” is [the lack of response], which I now see, realize and understand to not be something I can influence, as each and every person makes their own choices and I cannot make another person engage in a conversation to clear things up if they do not want to. I see that I have felt myself judged in these situations through “silent rejection” and thus started to fear situations like this. I have thus connected [attempting to solve a situation] to [rejection] which I have blamed on myself through feeling judged, which is in fact self-judgement through the eyes of others. I have not seen, realized and understood that the lack of response from others is “out of my hands” - I have done all I could, and if others haven't joined in it is their responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame it on myself when another person does not respond to my attempt to communicate.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel unfairly judged when another person chooses to believe their perception of me instead of seeing who I actually am, clinging onto the feeling of unfairness because I have assigned the perception of others the power to define me and thus feel conflicted because I do not want to be defined like I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another chooses to believe their perception of something over the actual reality it is their loss and not a choice I can make for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I was not listened to within a conversation, to get frustrated with the other person(s), thinking “why are you such idiots?”, “why won't you listen?”, “hello, I'm right here!”, “what's wrong with you?”, “come ON, just speak to me!” - as I have not seen, realized and understood that the choices of others are theirs to make and that I cannot make another reply, becoming frustrated as I have taken this failure in communication personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to the lack of response from others, assuming others to judge me and talk shit about me behind my back if they do not respond, thus trying even harder to get them to respond as an attempt to stop the judgement and bad-mouthing, and getting frustrated when I fail as I see my attempts to stop the habits of others to not be working.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get desperate when others have ignored my attempt to face them in honesty as I have feared the judgement they appear likely to pass on me as I have taken the risk to speak straightforwardly about what's actually going on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of it as a “risk” to address what's actually going on because I have seen how few ever seize that opportunity and how many choose to ignore it and what the consequences are to me (judgement, loss).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when others choose to ignore a window of opportunity.

Alright, bringing this back to the original topic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear solving misunderstandings in conversation and other communication because I have feared that the response will be rejection or “silent rejection” through shown or covered judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear another's decline to solve a misunderstanding because I fear their perception, opinion and evaluation of me and that the decline indicates that I am seen as “less” than I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give value to another's perception/opinion of me because others have been my only source of acceptance for all of my life so far.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself through the eyes of others by believing the perception/opinion others appear to have of me, not standing within and as myself in self-certainty here in the physical where there is no doubt of who I am but only looking at reflections of myself within the mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when another ignores the opportunity to solve a misunderstanding and feel disappointed, and based on this create a resistance to even try to solve misunderstandings because I fear the reaction of the other will be negative.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it upon myself when an attempt to solve a misunderstanding fails, not realizing that within interaction there are multiple participants and that each participant carries an equal responsibility over the interaction – not just me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is my responsibility to try and solve a misunderstanding when and as I see the possibility that there is a misunderstanding, because I as the one who notices am responsible, and that my best attempt to solve a misunderstanding is to carry my responsibility no matter how the other responds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if another will not try to solve the misunderstanding with me but instead ignores, belittles or judges the opportunity, this is their choice which I cannot make for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that it is important to walk through these situations where “nothing appears to change” because they might have an effect on the other's process in ways invisible to me, and also because within them I practice assertiveness, self-honest communication and self-leadership.

I commit myself to do my best within communication to be understood as I see, realize and understand this to be the purpose of all communication, and I commit myself to do this by:

• being clear/self-honest on what I mean with the words I use
• being sensitive to others to see if there is understanding
• when noticing a possible misunderstanding, addressing it and clarifying myself when/if necessary

I commit myself to not let misunderstandings slip by by facing my fear, realizing it is not valid and pushing through by opening my mouth and speaking even if unplanned.

When and as I notice a misunderstanding and think “oh well, maybe they got my point” - I stop, I breathe and I realize I am using this belief that people understand each other without direct communication as a justification to avoid the possible conflict that may come from attempting to solve a misunderstanding. I realize this belief to be bollocks. I realize that if others were to react negatively to my attempt to directly address what's going on, it would be nothing personal towards me but others choosing to ignore a window of opportunity. I then proceed to solve the misunderstanding according to the situation – mainly by asking if there was a misunderstanding or not and clarifying myself when necessary.

I commit myself to keep myself grounded within my physical in self-certainty when communicating with others by stabilizing myself in slow and steady breath, sensing my entire body from head to toe and being aware of my centre of gravity – thus living as a physical expression of self-acceptance.