tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-71632338969862815482024-02-07T18:37:42.800-08:00A thespian's Journey to LifeEmmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.comBlogger277125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-71341370276314560482014-11-18T14:03:00.000-08:002014-11-18T14:03:54.710-08:00Day 411: Sensitivity<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
18112014</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Princess and the pea</td></tr>
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Lately I have been thinking about the
concept of sensitivity. The existence of “sensitive people”, an
entity of its own kind, has been spoken of as a fact whereas I have
rather been questioning the whole existence of such a fundamental
trait. To me the ones I have thought to be included in “sensitive
people” have appeared to be products of their environments and not
so much inherently of a quality that others have less of.</div>
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During the past couple of months I have
appeared in stark contrast to my partner. I have been going through
some intense points that have required active work for me to walk
through, and consequently I have been very emotional and worn out
both physically and mentally, crying a lot and reacting strongly to
the issues at hand. All the while I have been flipping out he has
been quite stable, stoic even, to the point where his unemotionality
becomes an issue for him, although that's another matter. The point
here is, I now have empiric data that under these conditions I feel a
whole fucking lot even though I've thought of myself as a relatively
stable person, and that brings new light to the question of
sensitivity.</div>
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I haven't really wanted to think of
sensitivity – the ability to feel emotions oneself and to empathize
with those of others – as a special trait. I've really more thought
of it as something that others have practiced to enhance and others
have practiced to extinguish. I'm thinking I might have been wrong
about this. Maybe there are in fact inherent differences to people
feeling things and picking up on messages around them; maybe our
brains are wired differently. Every now and then when I share
something I have felt or experienced I get confused responses, and I
have interpreted them to mean that these people have not allowed
themselves to feel those things in their lives in order to be able to
empathize with me. What if they simply have never experienced that
kind of a feeling at all? What if there are people who, as opposed to
my anxiety-painted existence, have lived their lives mostly
emotionally blank?</div>
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This came back to me today when I read
a quote that spoke of “sensitive people” in an explaining way, as
if how they experience life would be news to the ones reading it. I
found myself empathizing with how the sensitive people were described
because I recognized myself from the text. Only in reading the text
and looking at the response it got from others I realized the
possibility that not everyone experiences life through guilt, shame
and pain. Even though I have known people who do not agonize over
life, I have simplified them into a category of “self-denialists”
or “those who suppress their emotions”. Boy, what a
generalization.</div>
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This also brings perspective to how I
have treated myself and the conflict I have faced with others
throughout my life. In school I was easy to pick on because I reacted
strongly to the smallest of insults or even constructively meant
criticism. I have for a while now thought that this is because I
haven't learned the right coping mechanisms or social skills or that
I have learned to search for messages in my social environment for
validation – that I have lacked a learnable skill – and I have
whipped myself with the disappointment and self-blame that have
followed my attempts to acquire these skills. But what if I should be
focusing on mercy instead? It might be that I am physically
constructed in such a primary way that my emotional sensitivity
cannot be fully unlearned or switched off. If this is the case, I
might as well stop battling the windmills, accept who I am at this
point of time and space and learn to cope with it.</div>
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For example, I have hated having to cry
all the time. I've been trying to stop the tears and cover up that
I'm feeling bad and hide myself and cry in secret, because I have
been afraid that my constant emotionality would burden others and
make them leave me. In other words, I have not accepted myself as the
emotional being I have been recently, which has of course made
handling the issues themselves more difficult because a part of them
is kept barred within me. (As a side note: this fear of being
abandoned for being emotional has only become apparent now that I've
spent much more time with people than I previously have. It's been
easier to cry before when I've mostly spent time by myself.) So
instead of blocking it up I could admit to myself that it is typical
and natural for me to express myself and converse with myself through
crying; that despite other people's reactions to crying it's not
actually a “big thing” to cry; that I may cry even though
nobody's dead and I'm just having a difficult time growing. “I
don't know about you guys, but this is how I experience things.”</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-67550590975373712392014-08-29T15:26:00.001-07:002014-08-29T15:26:14.979-07:00Day 410: Social anxiety - introversion as a learned quality<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
29082014</div>
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Yesterday evening I went to visit a
friend's commune for the first time. The preceding few days had been
very stressful and tiresome for me and I felt stretched, tense and
exhausted.</div>
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When I got to the place and sat down
with the people, I noticed that a calm came over me. I noticed that
as compared to the other social situations where I had been for
example during the same day, these people appeared to have no
expectations of me. We didn't know each other, and the activities
that people were engaged in didn't require anything of me unless I
wanted to contribute. As I realized that I was in a space where I
didn't have to strain myself, I started relaxing myself by allowing
myself to focus on myself and my well-being only. I was in dire need
of my own attention (i.e. I really needed to rest my body) and so I
allowed myself to simply be and let others construct the situation.</div>
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I eventually slowed myself down more
than I have in a long while. I was simply in breath, observing myself
and my motions. I realized how much I stress about social situations
and what a relief it was to be in one where I didn't require anything
of myself. The keywords that night were: “I don't need to” (“ei
mun tartte”). Whenever a thought came saying I “should” do
something, I released it with the realization that no, I shouldn't,
as these requirements are not practical but ones that serve to build
and uphold my self-image and self-ideal. I was forgiving myself for
setting myself standards striving for perfectionism.
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This state of peace continued on to
this morning, and because it was in such contrast with most of my
experiences from the entire summer, I noticed when it started to
crumble. I went out of the house with my partner to have lunch with
some of his friends whom I hadn't met before. After the lunch I had
become withdrawn, anxious and tense (or “weird” as my partner
expressed it – the contrast was pretty noticeable). After writing
about it now I realized that after we left the house, a series of “I
should” -thoughts had been triggered by different situations, which
brought up stress as I attempted to attain to these thoughts and
judged myself when I didn't.</div>
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<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“I should keep up with him” /
“I should be able to keep up with him”</div>
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“I should make a good impression
on these people”</div>
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“I should be able to pay for my
own expenses”</div>
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“I should talk with these
people”</div>
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“I should participate in the
discussion”</div>
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“I should be more independent”
/ “I should make an initiative to ...”</div>
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“I will look stupid if I do that
– I should look impressive”</div>
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The thing is, I'm starting to see what
my social difficulties consist of: these lines of code containing the
words “I should” - or rather, the thoughts or lines of code as
experiences and not so much as words spoken in my mind. I've been
what one might call an “introvert” ever since some time in
elementary school when I started being bullied, and the thing is, I
remember the time before that: I know I haven't always found social
situations difficult, and that introversion at least for me is not an
inherent quality. It is something that got created somewhere along
the way when I learned that there were unwritten rules to socializing
that could be broken with dire consequences. I didn't know how to
cope, so my response was to withdraw.</div>
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I'll continue with specific
self-forgiveness on the “I should” -statements above.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-66923566682739628512014-08-27T07:51:00.000-07:002014-08-27T07:56:45.084-07:00Days 408-409: The healing process is to learn from mistakes<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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This post is a continuation to:<br />
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<a href="http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2014/08/day-407-being-ill.html">Day 407 - Being ill</a><br />
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<br /><br />18082014<br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about the disease in a dramatic way.<div>
<br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use dramatic words, tones and phrasing when describing the symptoms and/or consequences of the disease, such as saying the virus will remain in my body “for the rest of my life” or exaggerating the pain or discomfort I have been in and the length and magnitude of the symptoms.<br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of having the disease as a dramatic story, where I have been the victim of unfair adversity.<br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by thinking and speaking of the disease in dramatic terms I assign myself a role / a position where I am “the victim” and thus justify not carrying responsibility for the disease.<br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive I am helpless to prevent disease and/or to direct my healing process when I am ill, not realizing that as everything in this reality is connected, nothing that occurs in my body is a coincidence.<br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that thinking about the disease in dramatic terms triggered a feeling of despair in me, one that continued into depression and anxiety, and that I created these feelings by separating myself from what is HERE and what can be done about it.<br /><br /><br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect the disease to pass in a few days as I assumed it to be a normal flu, not realizing that the long-term symptoms would have pointed to another direction had I examined them more carefully.<br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist looking at the long-term symptoms (prolonged muscle pains, fatigue, swollen face) as I have been afraid of having an uncommon illness.<br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid looking at and evaluating my symptoms because I have been afraid of what I might find: an illness as the consequence of how I have lived my life.<br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with frustration and fear when and as my expectations were not fulfilled as the disease continued longer than expected.<br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that other people will get tired of taking care of me and abandon me as I am no longer “useful” (entertaining, engaging, stimulating) to others but instead become “useless” (unfulfilling, boring, burdensome).<br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my partner will get tired of the relationship being “on hold” while I am physically incapacitated from any form of interaction and that he will leave me as a result.<br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when the disease continued as I became afraid of being abandoned. <br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to heal as fast as possible to avoid abandonment. <br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my friends because of prolonged sickness.<br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “missing out on life” while I am sick, with this referring mainly to social events I have been unable to attend while sick, not realizing that I am not missing out on life in fact, as LIFE is here even when I am am sick – sickness is life, too – but that I am “missing out” on “fun”: experiences of joy, excitement, belonging and happiness. <br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the experiences of joy, excitement, belonging and happiness are dependent on specific social conditions and cannot be experienced while sick and alone.<br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to confuse the experiences of joy, excitement, belonging and happiness with stability, believing and perceiving that the positive emotional experiences can provide a stable focal point to my life, not realizing that the nature of experiences is inherently unstable and fickle, as no emotion/feeling can be made to last forever or to remain the same; Thus, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that reliable stability can only be found outside energetic and emotional experiences.<br /><br />- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about “missing out” on positive experiences (and fear facing negative experiences) as I have believed them to be “the fuel” I would need to live on.<br /><br /><br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to physical disability, as I have been afraid that I would be somehow disabled for the rest of my life.<br /></div>
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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes that can't be amended, not realizing that in the end there are very few mistakes the consequences of which couldn't be directed.<br /><br />I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making a mistake that will permanently disable my physical body in some way, not realizing that this fear is a sign of my mistrust towards myself – of the fact that I know I am not living as self-honestly as I could and that it can bite me in the ass some day.<br /><br />--<br /><br />But hang on. What if this is the greatest fallacy of all?<br /><br />One of my clearest personality traits (or issues) is perfectionism: trying to do things as well and flawlessly as possible, because I see no point in aiming any lower. The whole low self-esteem thing with “I'm not good enough” popping up everywhere is tied to this survival mechanism, where I kind of try to compensate for myself with my actions – myself, which I perceive to be very small, insignificant and insufficient. Most of the people closest to me, and even those that are not that close, have picked up on this, although not many discuss it directly.<br /><br />Because the people in my life have helped me become aware of this personality trait learned somewhere way early in my childhood, I have become more careful about walking this process. I fear that I am looking for “fault” in myself where there is none, because there IS an actual risk for me misrepresenting myself to myself, and often people respond to my attempts to develop myself by dismissing my attempts to carrry self-responsibility with “you don't have to be perfect”. I know this is probably in most cases a defense mechanism, but I'm still doubtful. What if I am doing myself harm by trying to be “perfect”?<br /><br />But I am not aiming to be perfect. I am engaging in a process to become the best possible version of myself: considering the circumstances I have been born and raised in and the possibilities I have now as the outcome; the time I have left; the skills I have and the skills I am still able and willing to learn; the support I have available in my environment. I by no means expect myself to ever be “ready” or “done” with this process, I do not expect myself to learn everything there is, I do not expect myself succeed flawlessly in any of my attempts. What I do expect of myself, however, is patience, perseverance, consistency, self-management (I prefer this to “self-discipline”) and absolute self-honesty – at least eventually, as the cycles of self-deceit sometimes can't be unraveled right away. Can this be called perfectionism? I'd rather call it integrity or self-respect. Why would I disgrace myself by not showing myself respect?<br /><br />Also, I do not see the process as linear, where I'd have a single outcome to reach for. I do not see myself lying on my deathbed and thinking “this is who I became!”, lol, and waiting for judgement. What I refer to with the “best possible version” of myself may be different in different points of time and space – it is simply the potential that I would be able to live out, and this can and will vary as I change and my environment changes.<br /><br />So, when writing the last self-forgiveness statement above, I wrote the words “I'm not living as self-honestly as I could” and I saw self-judgement.<br /><br />--<br /><br />27082014<br /><br />I commit myself to show myself that most mistakes can be amended by redirecting oneself and managing the consequences of a mistake, just like an illness heals once the cause is addressed and dealt with and the symptoms alleviated.<br /><br />Thus, I commit myself to live out the commitment above by following this self-corrective statement:<br /><br />When and as I consider myself having made a mistake - by for example thinking about having made a mistake, blaming myself for having made a mistake or feeling bad for making a mistake – I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that a mistake is also a chance to learn and develop, and that a mistake is not a negative (nor a positive) thing. I take care to not believe my self-judgement, I look at the cause of my mistake and I forgive myself for it. I look at the consequences of my mistake and I ask what could be done to reduce their impact. I take action to make amends for the consequences of my mistake and to redirect myself in a way that will prevent the same mistake from happening again. I remind myself that a learning process is a series of mistakes and that mistakes are inevitable if one wants to learn.<br /><br /><br /><br />The next time I get ill, I commit myself to focus primarily on resting and self-care to support myself with my immediate circumstances and secondarily on piecing together a picture of what events and actions led to the disease in order to support me in my long-term process.<br /><br />The next time I get ill, I commit myself to face the illness as LIFE, not as something that separates me from life.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-54094108401664210182014-08-17T12:52:00.000-07:002014-08-17T12:54:39.827-07:00Day 407: Being ill17082014<br />
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I have now been sick for 14 days, of which I have had a fever during the last 11 days. The disease was identified as <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Infectious_mononucleosis" target="_blank">mononucleosis</a> or “kissing disease” (a nickname derived from the fact that the virus only transmits through direct contact with another's saliva). The symptoms include high fever, muscle pains, swollen lymph nodes, swollen face, sore throat, stomach cramps and an overall fatigue that in the most extreme cases can go on up to months or even years. Once infected, the virus will remain in my body for the rest of my life.<br />
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The first few days with the muscle cramps were heavy, because I thought I was dealing with the usual kind of pain that comes as the result of having a bad posture or not exercising enough, and then got frustrated when the pains were just getting worse despite my attempts to support my muscles in healing. When the fever struck on day 4, I was overwhelmed by how “everything” can happen at once, as I still thought that all of my slowly-occurring symptoms were unrelated to each other. By Sunday the fever was reaching 40 degrees celsius, I felt like I was going to die and I was so unbelievably frustrated, as I had “been a good girl” and given myself rest - despite the fact that I wouldn't have wanted to - because I just wanted to heal as fast as possible so I could get on with my life. I didn't know why the fever was going up, I didn't understand any of my symptoms and I was getting depressed and anxious and thus cried a lot and tried to write during those few hours of the day I was awake. I felt cut out and separated from the world, a prisoner in my own home. I didn't sleep for many nights because I was too restless to empty my mind, and all the entertainment I had consumed to “keep myself busy” while hurrying up healing attacked me mentally during the nights.<br />
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On day 9 I got the diagnosis and my anxiety dropped, as I now knew I wasn't dealing with a normal flu and that I had done nothing “wrong” to not be healed already. With the knowledge of what was happening in my body I could give myself the peace of mind to rest and the time needed for the body to go through the process of adapting to the presence of the virus - I mean, my body's gonna have to deal with it for as long as I live! The fever lowered a bit and I started having energy to be awake and do something light, but as these kinds of days have now been rolling by, I've increasingly felt how everything that I am doing or thinking of myself possibly doing is somehow useless, a pastime, as if I was just killing time – and when I pointed out to myself that I am now simply on sick leave and that it is OK to not push myself too much, I asked myself: if I wasn't sick and didn't have all these constraints, what would I be doing now? And the response I got from myself was just as unfulfilling and depressing as all the thoughts I'd had before. I felt that everything I would be doing during these last few weeks of my summer holidays would be “killing time”, constructing sandcastles only to let them be blown away, and besides that, I'd be doing it alone or with people I didn't like or with not enough of a variety of people.<br />
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I'm a university student with a 3-month-long summer holiday, and for many reasons I decided not to plan anything special for this summer. I'd stay here in my hometown, working as much as I could (which turned out not to be much) and just give myself space and time to focus on myself and whatever personal projects I wanted to give my attention to. My semester begins on the second week of September, and until then I still don't have many plans.<br />
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So, where has my focus been during this summer? I have had a new relationship I have invested quite a lot of time in. I have traveled a bit, gone to some festivals, prepared for and celebrated my sister's wedding and experimented with having cats. I've read some books (not as much as I planned to) and played some piano (way less than I intended to). Basically, I don't think I've had a moment where I've had to wonder about what to do next, because the opportunities have been presented to me – one could even say I've been a bit busy, lol.<br />
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So I'm guessing a partial cause of this unfulfillment experience is the fact that I am now for the first time actually facing what my summer would have been like in some scenarios: if I had to spend it alone (as I am now doing in isolation) and without going anywhere (as I can't now take up anyone's invitations). I am in shock of this leisure, especially because I cannot do anything physical yet, which is probably what I would be using a lot of my free time for. I don't find fulfillment in studying when I can't balance it out by going for a run. I don't find satisfaction in making music when I can't shake it off with yoga. I have figured that I am a very kinaesthetic person (not saying that everyone isn't or couldn't be), and not being able to move has been tiresome for me. I've felt as if many of my preferred channels of self-expression have been cut off, as I haven't been able to dance or sing or even fucking walk properly.<br />
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So, the reason I'm writing all this is to try and make sense of the experience of unfulfillment, resistance, loneliness and dissatisfaction that has been triggered during this illness. It's been a tough 2 weeks for my psyche, as during this time many points concerning my new relationship, proactiveness and in general just living a life have surfaced.<br />
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I'm also curious about the infection itself. It may be quite telling that I got a “kissing disease” while coming down from the rush of endorphins of embracing and establishing a new relationship – I could say I've been quite easy pray, lol, with my guard way down. I don't know where I got the infection, but because it only transmits via saliva, a good guess would be my new partner. There are some things that have been straining the relationship as the premise of it was left a bit unclear, and I'm kinda thinking how this is now the “payment” for my carelessness, as I did see the things we slid under the carpet and chose to ignore it. “This is what you get for constructing a relationship in this manner.” In a way I'm not surprised at all.<br />
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Ok. There's a lot to process here, so I will continue tomorrow by going through what I wrote today and writing specific self-forgiveness on what I find.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-50411342772870021762014-06-22T17:30:00.000-07:002014-06-22T17:30:36.502-07:00Day 406: The Desteni of Living - expansions, part 222062014<br />
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The video log linked above is a continuation to:</div>
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<a href="http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-404-desteni-of-living-my.html" target="_blank">Day 404: The Desteni of Living - my declaration of principle</a></div>
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In this video I expand on point number 2: I commit myself to living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all.<br />
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Previous video logs:<br />
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Day 405: <a href="http://youtu.be/OFUjJ3i988U">http://youtu.be/OFUjJ3i988U</a>Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-13696789218530749842014-05-31T07:07:00.001-07:002014-05-31T08:05:31.705-07:00Day 405: The Desteni of Living - expansions, part 1<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
31052014</div>
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The video log linked above is a continuation to:<br />
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<a href="http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-404-desteni-of-living-my.html" target="_blank">Day 404: The Desteni of Living - my declaration of principle</a><br />
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In this video I expand on point number 1: <i>I commit myself to realising and living my utmost potential.</i>Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-39259177139876188382014-05-31T06:57:00.000-07:002014-05-31T07:01:03.452-07:00Day 404: The Desteni of Living - my declaration of principle31052014<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGMlRhhYFhjaLd3OF4mJ6_5kLc7L57W6Gx8I2XFlXtgg7K6Lq2Y4ugyavRXQEqmKnsZc3P7xr-ojxjUSdzwkFoSw8hhf1fGJqIZGqUmao5k7GHabiYUa933QaQDdvMqen2EaUuyC6ZaFA/s1600/spine_by_rhynwilliams-d5dy11i.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgGMlRhhYFhjaLd3OF4mJ6_5kLc7L57W6Gx8I2XFlXtgg7K6Lq2Y4ugyavRXQEqmKnsZc3P7xr-ojxjUSdzwkFoSw8hhf1fGJqIZGqUmao5k7GHabiYUa933QaQDdvMqen2EaUuyC6ZaFA/s1600/spine_by_rhynwilliams-d5dy11i.jpg" height="320" width="217" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">http://www.deviantart.com/art/Spine-325753542</td></tr>
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I am here to commit myself to the following statements, on which I will expand in upcoming blogs and vlogs. These statements were put together by the <a href="http://desteni.org/" target="_blank">Desteni</a> group, and I have gone through them independently to be able to stand fully behind them as myself.<br />
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I thus commit myself to:<br />
<br />1. Realising and living my utmost potential<br /><br />2. Living by the principle of what is best for all – guiding me in thought, word and deed to always in all ways direct problems to the best possible outcome for all<br /><br />3. Living by the principle of self honesty – to ensure I am pure in thought, word and deed: that my within and without is equal and one. Who I am within is who I am without and vice-versa<br /><br />4. Self Purification through Writing, Self Forgiveness and Self Application – the action of realising I am responsible for my own thoughts, words and deeds, to forgive myself for transgressions and change myself to ensure I take responsibility for who, what and how I am and through this know that I can trust myself to always be honest with me and so others<br /><br />5. Living the principle of Self Responsibility – realising only I am responsible for what I accept and allow inside of me, my relationships and my outside world and so with this responsibility: only I have the power and ability to change that which I see is compromising who I am, what I live and how this affects others<br /><br />6. Realising that who I am in thought, word and deed affects not only myself – but others as well and so with Self Responsibility in thought, word and deed – I take responsibility for myself and so my relationships to be Self Aware in every moment and live in such a way that is best for me and so others as well<br /><br />7. Living the Principle of Self Awareness – to be aware, to see, to recognize my own thoughts and Mind, to be self honest to the extent where I can take responsibility for when I see my thoughts / Mind is not what is best for me / others and commit to immediately take responsibility and change for myself and so for others<br /><br />8. With taking responsibility for myself, becoming aware of myself – take responsibility and become aware of others in my life, to assist and support them as I am assisting and supporting myself – to give as you would like to receive and do the extra bit every day to see where I can contribute to other’s lives and so my own<br /><br />9. Living the principle of self trust – as I commit myself to remain constant in my living of self honesty, self responsibility and self awareness, I stand as an unbending trust that I always in all ways know who I am no matter what I face and that in this I know, as proven in the constancy of my living that I will always honour and stand by what is best for all and so best for me<br /><br />10. Making Love Visible – through me not accepting/allowing anything less than my utmost potential, I support those in my life to reach their utmost potential, to love them as I have shown love to myself by gifting to me my utmost potential, the best life/living experience and show others as I have shown myself what it means to LIVE <br /><br />11. No one can save you, save yourself – the realisation that the tools and principles of Desteni is the guide, but I must walk the path myself. We are here to assist and support each other in this process from Consciousness to Awareness/LIFE and what it means to live – but the process itself, where you are alone with yourself in your own Mind: is walked alone<br /><br />12. Not waiting for anything or anyone to take responsibility for me and this world – but that I realise I have created who and how I am in this moment, therefore I have the responsibility to change who and how I am and so the realisation that we as a collective created how and what this world is today and so it is the responsibility of the collective to change how and what this world is today<br /><br />13. Honouring the life in each person, animal – everything from the great to the small of earth, that we expand our awareness and responsibility to creating the best possible life for everyone and everything and so ourselves<br /><br />14. Relationships as Agreements: individuals coming together using agreements as a platform to one-on-one expand, grow and develop as individuals in life and living to support/assist each other unconditionally to reach their utmost potential where the agreement is a coming together of individuals understanding what it means to stand as equals and to stand as one<br /><br />15. Sex as Self Expression – where sex is an united expression between individuals in honour, respect, consideration and regard of each other as equals, two physical bodies uniting in equality and oneness – a merging of two equals as one physically.<br /><br />16. Realising that by the virtue of me being in this world – my responsibility does not only extend to my own Mind / my own Life, but to the minds and lives of everything and everyone of this earth and so my commitment is to extend this awareness to all of humanity to work together and live together to make this world heaven on earth for ourselves and the generations to come<br /><br />17. I must in my thoughts, words and deeds – but most importantly in my living actions, become a living example for others in my world that is noticeable and visible when it comes to the potential of a person to change themselves and so change their world. So that more people can realise how we can change this world, by standing united in our self change within the principle of what is best for all to bring heaven to earth<br /><br />18. I am the change I want to see in me and my world – to bring heaven to earth is to bring into being, into living the LIVING PROOF of a PRACTICAL HEAVEN that can be seen and heard in our actions and words. We are the Living Heaven that must come into creation in this living world. <br /><br />19. Through purifying my thoughts, words and deeds – my inner becomes my outer, so I bring into creation me as heaven into earth, realising it is not enough to ‘see the change / be the change’ – for change to become REAL it must be a constant, consistent living of me through the words I speak and the actions I live visible and noticeable to all in every moment of breath<br /><br />20. Realising that my physical body is my temple – my physical body is the living flesh through which and in which I will bring into being and create / manifest heaven on earth as me in my thoughts, words and deeds and so I honour, respect and regard – nurture and support my physical body as I would nurture and support me as equals: my body is me<br /><br />21. We are the change in ourselves and this world we have been waiting for: and so I commit to dedicate myself and my life for each one as all to realise this, as nothing will change if we don’t change in all that we are, within and without<br /><br />22. The realisation that for me to be able to change myself in thought, word and deed to the most effective living being that I can be and become – I first have to ‘know thyself’ and so commit myself to investigate, introspect and understand how I became who I am today, to prepare the road before me into self creation of a responsible, aware, self honest and trustworthy person for myself and so for all<br /><br />23. The realisation that for me to be able to contribute to change in this world – I have to get to ‘know thyself’ as this world and so commit myself to research, investigate and introspect the inner and outer workings of this world and align the systems of today to present and give the best possible life for all on EarthEmmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-54860333037633278012014-05-29T07:31:00.000-07:002014-05-29T07:31:04.180-07:00Day 403: Shedding the spikes<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
29052014</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">2011 - http://efana.deviantart.com/art/Spikes-30DC-258571057</td></tr>
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After three days of accumulating
self-judgement through various points, I came to a culmination point
where I stopped and started to trace back those three days worth of
chain reactions. After walking through each point in detail I
realized that I had clenched myself into a state, where because I was
afraid of judgement I took upon a defensive stance to protect myself
from external judgement.</div>
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What I realized today as I was walking
through these experiences was that the defensive state that had been
triggered is a remnant of the armour I have built around myself
throughout my life. Four years ago a person told me I reminded him of
a porcupine, because it was as if I was putting up spikes and needles
to fend off people. From his words I realized that I was in fact
aggressively shutting everyone out and I have been walking through
this porcupine identity ever since. Today as I thought of this
concept of an armour I realized that in order to protect myself from
external judgement and rejection I have tensed myself up, not
realizing that the judgement is not in fact coming from outside of me
but from within – and that the armour has not been keeping
judgement out but rather functioned as a lid to keep it in.</div>
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According to current leading theories
in development psychology when a child is born he/she doesn't yet
have an inner “voice” to direct his/her behavior. This voice is
in fact internalized from the voices, commands and guidance of the
people who the child has in his/her environment when growing up. This
development happens mostly within the first few years of a child's
life, but major life events may also affect it later on.</div>
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The “inner voice” I have
constructed – meaning the thoughts, sounds, images, beliefs and
reactions that direct my behavior – has become one of judgement,
guilt, shame, demands, perfectionism and cruelty. This has been the
result of my family environment (where teaching a child was often
done by pointing out what was wrong through one's own reaction of
anger, frustration, weariness, irritation and/or aggression), school
environment (where teaching was based on validation) and social
environment (where kids exerted their mindfucks on each other with no
support or interventions from adults).</div>
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My <a href="http://desteni.org/a/veno-structural-resonance-part-2-phase-5" target="_blank">back, shoulders and neck</a> have been
very tense, stuck and painful for at least the past few years, and
lately I have been focusing on figuring out the cause for the
remaining areas of tension, which are mainly in the other side of my
my upper back and both shoulders. I realized today that those are the
last of my porcupine spikes – the armor I have not yet shed. They
are held in place by my patterns of self-judgement, all the small
points where I jab myself mentally <i>and believe it</i><span style="font-style: normal;">.
The key here to releasing the remnants of my spikes is to stop with
each point of self-judgement I come across, to realize it is not
valid and to correct my line of thinking – to rewrite the lines of
code in my mind. For example, there have been several moments within
the past few days where I have judged myself for waking up “too
late”. This is where I need to walk through my definitions of
“late” and “early” and to realize that my definitions, which
I base my judgement on, are quite possibly not valid at all. These
definitions, for example, come directly from my family without me
really stopping to consider what I find most commonsensical, and the
judgements are even spoken in my mind with the voice of my
mother/father/sister. Thus, I need to evaluate my life and the
reality on my own and redefine what is practical in my living.</span></div>
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Because
my spiky defensiveness quite frightened me when I looked at my
behavior, I went looking for softness today through swimming and
meditation. It was interesting to see how after a tiring workout all
of my muscles were really tender and soft, except for these tension
areas in my back/shoulders. I realized that once I stop judging
myself, the need to defend myself will also vanish. I just need to
pick up the lid, set it aside, take the points out one at a time,
discuss with them until I release them and repeat until I'm empty of
all judgement. The spikes are not only pointing outwards, but also
inwards.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-33459813705429879462014-05-19T14:34:00.002-07:002014-05-19T14:34:51.033-07:00Day 402: Back stabbing<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
19052014</div>
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I listened to <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QkEVmd59-Ao" target="_blank">this speech</a> by Bernard
Poolman, and I started thinking if I have accepted and allowed myself
to create and maintain relationships that are causing me harm through
secret negative thoughts, attitudes and/or emotions. The idea of us
“voodooing” each other, jinxing each other with negative
backchat, got me to realize that some of my current physical ailments
for example may be the result of unraveled baggage in my
relationships towards other people, or more precisely, in others
wishing me ill. Because I sense these attitudes, whether I allow
myself to actually look at them or not, the anticipation and fear
itself may be causing me physical tension and pain.</div>
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There are specific points in my family
relations that I realized I've not handled with these people
directly. I'll begin with these close family relations because
they're most crucial in how I've been constructed, and thus the
source of any other relationship issues I may have.</div>
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<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
father: shame / disagreement /
revulsion / disapproval towards me because I have “turned my back
on God” - rejection / lack of acceptance</div>
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sister: envy (mutual), competition</div>
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both brothers: dismissing and
belittling them, their lives and achievements (for reasons I don't
really know yet, I only just realized that I do this)</div>
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Concerning my mother I didn't really
find anything. Out of my family I have probably had the most open and
communicative relationship with my mother, and this may have made way
for cleansing whatever tension there has been between us (because
there has been some, if not plenty).</div>
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The physical ailments I am referring to
here are mainly my shoulder/neck tension issues, which have become
chronic during the past few years. I am not sure about the origin
point of this specific issue, but from some memories I can gather
that 2011, when I was made to realize there was an issue in the first
place, I had already been stuck for a while, meaning some years
probably. I have recently placed my focus on this specific issue and
tried if regular exercise would help with it, but so far I've only
seen it to alleviate the symptoms for a little while with the problem
itself persisting. Occasionally the pain/tension has been “magically”
lifted under completely random circumstances I have not found a
pattern out of, but it has always returned. I have considered
contacting physiotherapists and other kinds of medical assistance for
perspective on this issue, but I haven't done so yet due to lack of
time and funding.</div>
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When listening to Bernard's metaphor
about “back stabbing” it kinda got to me, because my issue is
specifically in the back – I can literally feel the stabs, lol –
and now that I think of it, the word and concept of “back stabbing”
is one that I have used a lot to describe my experiences with
abandonment and rejection. Whoa, OK, so this might in fact have more
to do with the bullying theme <a href="http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2014/05/day-401-trust-issues.html" target="_blank">I talked about in my last post</a> than
with my family relations.</div>
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When I was around 10 years old my
school friends all turned their backs on me and refused to have
anything to do with me. Because I did not understand why they did
this, I later on dubbed their actions as “back stabbing”, doing
something hurtful unexpected and unexplained. I then went through
experiences that were almost identical when I was 12, 15, 18 and 20:
a group of friends suddenly expressed their disapproval towards me,
either directly or passive-aggressively, and I responded with
whatever coping mechanisms I had available, from aggressive dismissal
to submissive withdrawal. I remember that each of these times the
rejection came unexpected, even though as time went on I learned to
distrust people all the more and to expect the worst. For some reason
I still never thought or believed that these people I called my
friends would do something so cruel. Now that I think of this pattern
and how obvious it is in hindsight, I appear to have been totally
blind to the reality of those relationships: to who the others have
actually been in relation to me, to how and why our relationships
have been formed – to the fact that they were bound to fall apart
because of how we lived them out.</div>
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It is this attention to relationship
forming and the effort to see people (including myself) as they
really are that I think have changed my relationships the most and
actually broken the cycle I used to repeat every few years. At the
moment I think I am building relationships based on more solid ground
than ever, prioritizing communication, honesty and self-reflection.
So why does my back still feel as if I am being stabbed? Am I afraid
of it all starting over again?</div>
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I have begun the healing and forgiving
process to let go of any bitterness or spite left from these past
events, but partially because I have not managed to open lines of
communication with some of the key people from the past I am not yet
done with this. I fear (or know, or sense) that with specific people
there are negative thoughts being harbored towards me, and because
people never speak them, never express them, always keep them hidden
from daylight, it is difficult for me to transcend what happened and
“clear the air” all by myself. It's as if some of the old “stab
wounds” are still infected and refuse to heal, and this might be a
part of the cause of the persisting physical pain.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Especially with the tension my
shoulders tend to stiffen as if they were becoming crystallized, if
not constantly opened with exercise or massage – which is when they
usually just flame with pain before stiffening again - and this
crystallization seems to speak of old wounds being locked in and
integrated into my being. I do not wish for this to happen, and I
think that I still have a chance to sort myself out before I become a
living manifestation of spite, resentment, bitterness, anticipation,
distrust and fear.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So what I guess I could do is go
through the unresolved relationships (as well as those that appear
resolved) in specific detail, mapping out what exactly I fear with
each one, how I experienced them, what I desired from them, what it
is that is still weighing on me. How do I believe them to perceive
me? How would I wish to be perceived? Who are/were they to me, and
who am/was I to them? What were the relationships based on? Why did
we attract each other? What secrets did we have from each other that
tore us apart?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Cool, I'll continue with this mapping.
It's cool to know what I'll be writing about next, makes the treshold
of writing a bit easier to cross.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-86581079514606152172014-05-15T18:13:00.000-07:002014-05-15T18:13:10.081-07:00Day 401: Trust issues15052014<br />
<br />
I have been writing things down again lately, but I haven't yet been able to produce text comprehensive enough for publishing. This is why today I chose to record a video based on what I had processed in writing and application earlier.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dxzUh8JXP54EFvAptcG3_CLQjhxZJQoUeSHJ1eX3F8dPEZxb20ihogM76tfxuWEB5Xoif7GSqQJWTx0fBKkxA' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<br />Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-15996076662875158482014-05-06T17:12:00.001-07:002014-05-06T17:12:38.301-07:00Day 400: Fear of being happy<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
06052014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/y6Sxv-sUYtM?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I realized today that I am afraid of
being happy. I was talking to a friend and trying to explain how I
have experienced myself and life lately, and when it came down to
saying “I have simply been happy” I noticed a resentment towards
making a statement like that. To break the moment down: there was an
impulse/idea to express myself through the word “happy” - I
reacted to the word with resentment – a push to say the words
despite the resentment – followed by the fear of having made a
mistake – followed by thoughts along the lines of “what does he
think of me now”, “did I screw it up”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When I stopped to think about this
experience I realized that because I have grown used to thinking of
life in polarities – the good and the bad – I am constantly both
afraid of being unhappy (because it is unpleasant) and happy (because
it always leads to unhappiness, which is again unpleasant). Because I
have seen how the ups and downs of living life in autopilot always
lead to each other, I have created an ideal and a desire to find the
in-between, the equilibrium – a state of balance that would be
neither here nor there. I realized that because of this goal I am
afraid of any experience that is NOT bad (unpleasant), because I
interpret them to be in the “good” end of the spectrum (red flag
- “you're gonna crash!”, “this is not going to last!”), when
in fact this might not be the case.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In my experience there are three ways
to position oneself towards life and the experience thereof. One can
either filter one's experience through the negative (pessimism,
cynicism) or through the positive (optimism, hope) – or one can do
neither, and simply take the reality in as it is (realism,
pragmatism). I do not mean to place these three in any order, and I
do not claim that the latter is the “best” way to live life – I
have simply found through my own experience that it is usually the
most real, genuine or honest way of living, and I do prefer truth
over happiness, as focusing on the truth usually leads to solutions
whereas focusing on happiness usually leads to compromises.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
The dilemma that bothers me here is
that what I have defined as the in-between/equilibrium <i>is actually
enjoyable</i><span style="font-style: normal;"> – just not in the
same way as the positive polarity. I interpret myself enjoying life
as “bad” because I believe I should not be enjoying myself, that
enjoyment is bad because if I enjoy myself I must be off-balance.
This is a misunderstanding I need to correct. There is a clear
difference between enjoyment and having my head in the clouds, so to
speak – as well as there's a difference in experiencing pain and
suffering. The equilibrium does not mean that I should not be
experiencing anything at all, but that I simply experience the things
I come across without holding onto them, without transforming them
into mental scenarios, into rocks that I load onto my back, and
instead allowing them to just flow through me as space flows through
time. Perhaps to be in balance is to know how to bring myself down
from the clouds as well as to pick myself up from the ditch.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">I
realize that the experience I now labeled as “happiness” has not
been just pure enjoyment but that I have slightly gone to the
positive end, and what I need to realize is that IT'S ALRIGHT – I
don't need to panic, lol - “oh fuck, I'm gonna crash now?!” - lol
– no, what I need to do now is simply to land gracefully from the
heights. I can trust myself to handle myself well enough to not
plummet back down.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">And to
be honest, I am not entirely sure how much of my happiness experience
has been balanced and how much of it has been hype, precisely because
of the resentment. I am probably looking at my enjoyable experiences
through the resentment filter and seeing “bad” in them even
though there would actually be none (or very little).</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">This
dilemma of what kind of enjoyment is OK and what is not calls for an
experiment: </span>
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I
commit myself to allow myself to enjoy life and self-expression
without guilt.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I
commit myself to allow myself to use the word “happy” to express
myself (because when I observe myself it is clear that I am living
this word at the moment – no point in suppressing myself).</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I
commit myself to observe and take note of any and all energetic
sensations I experience in order to map out my happiness experience.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I
commit myself to not suppress any of the energetic sensations
(feelings) I experience, but to instead live through them within and
as breath.</div>
</li>
</ul>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-44207960705596829232014-04-29T15:40:00.000-07:002014-04-29T15:40:47.585-07:00Day 399: Of existence and will<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
29042014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2qIB8twtczmvOF-3OWP9NFvbX0OWJQvI-BnC7032wGkOTf2jwy6yNHctyzBeOLHyyu-MfVbvGmclFlBKxZ0-c0frnGigBC9ASnJgttk6SqZsiTZe8CsdvRd3DTL5nS8LLUwsdUye7bKg/s1600/Ghost_by_SalamanderKing.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi2qIB8twtczmvOF-3OWP9NFvbX0OWJQvI-BnC7032wGkOTf2jwy6yNHctyzBeOLHyyu-MfVbvGmclFlBKxZ0-c0frnGigBC9ASnJgttk6SqZsiTZe8CsdvRd3DTL5nS8LLUwsdUye7bKg/s1600/Ghost_by_SalamanderKing.jpg" height="320" width="214" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">http://salamanderking.deviantart.com/art/Ghost-170997222</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Today a chain of events, triggers and
reactions led to me realizing that despite the fact that I tell
myself that I am of the same value and worth as every other bit and
piece of life, I do not actually believe it. I kind of entered a new
level of self-honesty, where I finally admitted to myself that my
mantras do not work: despite the knowledge of how things are, I do
not live out or live as that knowledge.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I asked myself why I crave for
appreciation, acceptance and affection from others, as the perceived
lack of them triggered a reaction in me. I realized how it all –
again – comes down to the phrase “I'm not (good) enough”, the
one thing I keep on returning to in every moment of crisis. I realize
that the issue is not that others take me for granted or don't
appreciate me, but the fact that I allow the thoughts, actions and
feelings/emotions of others to define myself, my value and my worth.
On a rational level I know that my value is unchangeable, stable, in
precise unity with everything else – but I don't feel it. I don't
believe it. I am not living as these words. How can I be of value
when I don't live as if I did? What is worthwhile living and am I
doing any of it at all? Would I find value in myself through actions?
If so, what kind of actions would those be? How do I need to live to
live as if I mattered? And yet, how do I live so that I am of value
despite my actions, so that I don't act just for the sake of
salvation?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Apart from this existential crisis,
which raised some really valid questions, I also came across one of
my old behavioral patterns. I have lived a life of seclusion because
whenever I have wanted myself to not be seen, I have pushed people
away from me. I realize my wish to hide is to cover myself from my
own eyes, so that I wouldn't be exposed to myself, and thus I have
refused the approaches of others as I have not been willing to
embrace myself as I am. I had an inner dialogue with myself and an
imagined person in my mind, where I was explaining this to the other
and they responded:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“You're pretty fucked up, aren't
you?”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“We're all fucked up to some extent,
that's nothing special. But I am tired of being broken. I want to be
whole. I choose to want to be whole. I know I can be. I could choose
otherwise, but my will is to mend myself. I choose to not stay
broken.”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I see how this behavioral pattern of
pushing people away and escaping them is still a part of me, and
today I felt pity towards myself for it, as I saw how I cause all of
my own misfortune by following the same routes over and over again.
But I also realized that pity will only give me an excuse to not
change as I define myself through it. “Poor pitiful me, this is who
I am.” NO. I have a choice, and I have it right here. The past
cannot be changed, but most of its effects can be mended, and so I
choose to do. I refuse to be a victim of myself.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
What I need to learn is to let people
see me – to embrace the exposure as it is a gift and a lesson.
Self-forgiveness will help me work my way there, and I will continue
with it from here.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-14027452181020311822014-04-07T15:42:00.000-07:002014-04-07T15:42:08.614-07:00Day 398: Learning to embrace experiences<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
07042014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBekBsAQmwX6aNq4jalMdiBJbFDhj_UcdeHvqOibpXSfUbusnH3H1pK0pi71afEjIXdOG2KNcP0twtcO8VGJ0pIxi0kihDcsI6F8FYy2xaiSsTk3rUG-XKPyU1ACihvoWbBAN11MHDD2k/s1600/IMG_0712.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBekBsAQmwX6aNq4jalMdiBJbFDhj_UcdeHvqOibpXSfUbusnH3H1pK0pi71afEjIXdOG2KNcP0twtcO8VGJ0pIxi0kihDcsI6F8FYy2xaiSsTk3rUG-XKPyU1ACihvoWbBAN11MHDD2k/s1600/IMG_0712.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I had an interesting experience today
concerning music. I have been practicing this big-scale choir piece
with the choir I'm in for a few months now, and the past four weeks
or so have been especially intense: not just with the rehearsals, but
in emotional terms as well. Somehow this piece of music has become
woven into my experience with other things in life, and I find
fragments of it echoing in my mind daily, sometimes constantly. I can
see how this happens as the result of me linking all of my individual
experiences in my mind into this one big storyline experience – the
story I tell of my life to myself with pictures and words – and how
the music kinda serves as current background music to the movie that
is my life experience.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Today I was sitting in the bus and
spacing out, wondering around in my mind and not really being here in
breath, when I suddenly realized that I was not responding to the
weather conditions (gray, rainy and cold) at all with the usual
gloominess and weariness. I felt as if I was “glowing from within”
- because the music was again playing in my mind, speaking words of
light and divinity, reminding me of my experiences of joyful living –
and that the feeling of light and warmth I got from the
music/experience/feelings was kinda acting as a barrier between me
and my surroundings. I found this experience positive, because from
within it I was able to face other people with clarity and balance,
not responding to their apparent low moods. I did not feel like
complaining about the weather, because I had not really even noticed
it was “bad” weather – to me it was just weather, how it is
every now and then; logically rainy of this time of year, lol.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Upon writing this I noticed waves of
self-judgement, as if I was “not supposed to” be feeling anything
at all and that standing within an energetic experience like this is
not appropriate. This shows how I have misunderstood some parts of
this process. Rather than denying my experiences and thus suppressing
them, be they positive or negative, I could try to walk, live and
breathe through the experiences to fully know them and harness them,
whatever that means in whichever context. In this case, for example,
I am fully aware of the role of this particular music piece in the
workings of my mind. I have seen where and how I have given myself
permission to embed the music with my experiences. I am not yet sure
if this serves any purpose at all, other than crafting myself nice
memories, bonding with others and thus structuring my social
networks, or just learning to know myself through relieved
self-expression. Through this process of “giving in” to music I
have for instance rediscovered the experience and state of being
inspired (excited, motivated, seeing possibilities where there were
none before – and then acting upon it!), and that alone tells me
that I have managed to remove a block that has been in place for
years, more or less.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
What concerns me is the fact that this
wave of positive stuff comes straight after a very low phase of
depression and being stuck. I fear that this is “just” another
“up” and that I will eventually come crashing down. I am working
on this at the moment by stabilizing myself with breath whenever I
see myself getting carried away by an experience, or rather by
channeling the energy of the experience and living through it, after
which I stabilize. I know that I don't have to crash down once (if?)
this stuff gets exhausted, but I do realize that whenever I go up,
the return to stability will always feel like a dip in comparison. I
guess a part of it is also to learn how to deal with the state of
“coming down”, which I guess I know a bit better than dealing
with “going up”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It might also be that some of what I am
experiencing in my life at the moment is not in fact an energetic
“up”, but simply a relieved state of balanced being, which just
feels “lighter” in comparison to the constraint I've been under.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I'll continue with this topic later. The jumble of stuff from the past few weeks is kinda big and requires more digging.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-14174520132291262012014-04-01T09:19:00.000-07:002014-04-01T09:19:24.371-07:00Day 397: Compiling secret spite<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
01042014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvCJNRVoQHdwEb52HAAE8iTICzJnlyaRFEHmbwgEFcdHF2tRHS6uQChYWGirZ-yOfrwohWS0Rf2sKKs4w2L7CpRIZe_doVV_VMVrQgWas6hRL7mLr_uMVr8oH-6BSLmayt1E7brxS3TYs/s1600/bitterness_drinking_poison_and_hoping_someone_e_tshirt-p235597670124370259trlf_400-300x300.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhvCJNRVoQHdwEb52HAAE8iTICzJnlyaRFEHmbwgEFcdHF2tRHS6uQChYWGirZ-yOfrwohWS0Rf2sKKs4w2L7CpRIZe_doVV_VMVrQgWas6hRL7mLr_uMVr8oH-6BSLmayt1E7brxS3TYs/s1600/bitterness_drinking_poison_and_hoping_someone_e_tshirt-p235597670124370259trlf_400-300x300.jpg" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A couple of days ago I faced harsh and
direct judgement to which I reacted to quite strongly. I took the
message personally and felt really bothered by it with an awful
feeling in my gut. The message I received pointed out a mistake I had
made, but it did so with a tone that I responded to with a negative
reaction, and so I missed out on receiving the valid feedback and
only focused on the element of judgement.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Now, a couple days later, the situation
came to a culmination point. Because of my reaction of taking the
judgmental tone of another personally, I had made decisions to act
upon my self-judgement and in a way punished myself for being judged
– not for the mistake itself, but for the fact that somebody wasn't
pleased with me! So in a way I was trying to redeem for my mistakes,
but not the ones I had actually made. I perceived my fault to have
been the fact that I was so “bad” that another had judged me, and
again ignored what I could have originally done better.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So these actions of mine were noticed
and responded to with common sense, which is when I realized I had
been wrong all along. I was acting just like my father has in similar
situations: compiling secret spite under actions of self-punishment.
And with the same people, even! I realized that in this situation I
was the spitting image of my father, with every tone, posture,
gesture and word, and having seen the consequences of my father's
actions <i>on himself</i> I will not accept and allow myself to
follow in these footsteps.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to X's tone of voice and choice of words
as I have learned to fear aggression as a child.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that aggression directed
towards me is valid and always my fault.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to <a href="http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2014/02/day-390-submitting-to-aggression.html" target="_blank">submit to aggression</a> without questioning the
validity of the aggression.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to ignore the message under the aggression as my
focus has been on the way the message has been delivered.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see past my fear reaction to aggression.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to aggression by shrinking and
withdrawing instead of standing up and breathing myself open.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget to breathe when facing aggression.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear X as an authority.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear receiving feedback from X – be it
delivered with any tone, aggression or not – as I have known her
feedback to be (mostly) valid and direct and thus feared facing
conflict within myself, forgetting that conflict is an opportunity to
change and develop myself for the better.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to measure my worth according to how much/little
feedback I receive from X, wanting to be “ready” so that she
would have nothing to criticize.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my relationship to X has been
created on a basis of imbalanced power relations – when I was a
child and she was my mentor – and that for this relationship to
work now that we're both adults equal in power I need to change my
stance towards her from fearful to fearless.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that these complications in my
relationship to X are not surprising at all, as we have started off
in an unequal relationship, and that now that I can see the cause of
the complications the dynamics of this relationship can in fact be
changed.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refuse to see the feedback behind X's
aggressive message as I have not wanted to admit to having done
something “wrong” (not as well as possible).</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to deny myself the opportunity to learn from the
feedback by not looking at what was said and instead secretly blaming
X for being “inconsiderate”, “irrational” and “hysteric”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to try and appear as if I was redeeming for my
mistakes by acting upon self-punishment, not realizing that I was
doing this just to appear submissive while I was secretly compiling
spite towards X.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I “shouldn't” be
making mistakes now that I am no longer a child within my
relationship to X, not realizing that people of all ages make
mistakes as mistakes are an inevitable part of learning.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refuse to see and embrace the mistakes I make
around X.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear making mistakes around X.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my father
reacts and responds to X in the exact same way as I do.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by mirroring my relationship
with X to my fathers relationship with X I can easily see what
mistakes I have made.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live as the spitting image of my father, not
realizing that as I do so I also repeat the same mistakes he has made
and end up suffering the same consequences.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to focus on moving from
fearfulness to fearlessness in practical application within my
relationship to X.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to accept and allow
myself to make mistakes around X and to receive feedback for them.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to support and assist
myself with breathing when and as I react to aggression with fear.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-52391804027664736092014-03-26T03:17:00.000-07:002014-03-26T03:17:51.113-07:00Day 396: Resentment towards "love"<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
26032014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDaKWQxSqYomEWz6ZVdpLMbayrqt8E25wPCE0xjLSGIhBtD3acudtNgEf1eicTbt1FBq1DUl4r7RNhIxftvnW1-263NEZGKru1c6tcvspoqDw6FsnGqjMOmQPD3mVsw_si_ABga1j4k_M/s1600/Buddha_Nature.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhDaKWQxSqYomEWz6ZVdpLMbayrqt8E25wPCE0xjLSGIhBtD3acudtNgEf1eicTbt1FBq1DUl4r7RNhIxftvnW1-263NEZGKru1c6tcvspoqDw6FsnGqjMOmQPD3mVsw_si_ABga1j4k_M/s1600/Buddha_Nature.jpg" height="219" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Magical love rainbow beams oh god I just want to VOMIT</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
While reading through my last post
about <a href="http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2014/03/day-395-mapping-out-experience-of.html" target="_blank">falling in love</a> I realized how I was trying to distance myself
from the concept of love in my writing, trying to make it appear as
if “love” was something of lesser value and separate from me. I
realized that this is a pattern I have had ever since childhood: I
fear admitting to loving or liking someone. I have created a
separation between myself and love, alienating myself from love,
resenting it – thinking of it as a weakness. This is basically how
I have felt myself when exposed in loving someone – weak and
vulnerable – and so I have taken on that judgement towards all
love, seeing all caring as “infatuation”. To protect myself I
have taken an aggressively defensive approach towards the concept of
love.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I've been examining this mindset in my
habits for some time now. For example, I've had the habit of avoiding
the people I like and waiting for them to come to me. I've realized
that this is really backwards behavior: how would anyone know I want
to approach them if I avoid them?! I have now been practicing for
example allowing myself to show and express the fact that I enjoy the
presence of someone or that I am happy about seeing someone.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
But only now I am starting to see how
this refusal of love extends a lot further than just some habits. It
is fear of exposement, trying to appear strong and stoic, not
realizing that exposement IS the only way of being unwaveringly
stable, as then there are no weak spots left to be jabbed.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from my feelings of care,
attraction, enjoyment, joy and enthusiasm (love) by thinking of them
as “foolish” and “stupid”, not realizing that I have been
distancing myself from these feelings because I have felt weak and
vulnerable when experiencing them.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that if my feelings of care, attraction,
enjoyment, joy and enthusiasm are seen I will be ridiculed and thus
hurt.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that all this is actually circular
reasoning:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I only get hurt by
the remarks of others if I accept and allow myself to take these
remarks personally.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I had nothing to
hide, I would not be afraid of others seeing who I am.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I showed myself
to others, I would not have to fear getting hurt.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by hiding my
feelings I sabotage myself by causing myself to be in a position
where I will eventually get hurt as something of me gets exposed.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have
accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I didn't hide
myself, I would in fact be safe.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that exposement is strength.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to learn to fear and hide my feelings
by observing my parents.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to reinforce this pattern by succumbing
to group dynamics in school where I took the role of the “quiet
kid”, thus not expressing myself unabashed but rather letting
others take the stage.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to lock myself into this position of
not speaking / not expressing, not taking the chance to learn to
express myself even when our family dynamics changed.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself as a child to learn to hide my feelings because I
experienced my family environment as “chaotic”, thus attempting
to bring balance into my environment by denying my own experiences.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to continue to hide my feelings in an attempt to
avoid chaos/conflict as I haven't had a ready model on how to deal
with it – not realizing that I am no longer a child and no longer
have to fear chaos as I am not “at the mercy” of my environment
but can in fact shape it through my own actions.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that if there's chaos/conflict in
my environment, I know how to deal with it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust myself to know how to deal with
chaos/conflict as I have forgotten to breathe.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget to breathe and thus lose my stability in
challenging situations.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I fear getting exposed,
thus forgetting that getting exposed is not dangerous as I will
remain here nevertheless.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I get exposed (by my own
will or another's), thus getting stuck in the situation as the
reaction of fear paralyzes me, not realizing that through breathing I
could accept my exposement and stand within and as who I am.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by remembering to breathe and
remaining HERE I also support others to remain stable when and as
they expose themselves.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to deny myself the experience of love.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear losing my status and image if I allowed
myself the experience of love, not realizing that I am not actually
afraid of my image breaking in the eyes of others but of my
self-image breaking in my own eyes, wanting to be stoic and strong
because this is the role I assigned for myself as a child per to my
circumstances.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I don't have to be stoic and
strong.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that self-suppression is not
strength.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be embarrassed about using the word “love”
as I judge love to be stupid, irrational, worthless and air-headed.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the feelings, actions and
motivations we compile under the word “love” - which differ from
definition to definition – can in fact be beneficial, supportive,
constructive, wise and worthwhile, and that it simply depends on how
I choose to define “love” for myself.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resent all concepts of love based on those that
define love to be possessive, addictive, exclusive, irresponsible and
a “mystery”, not realizing that this is not what “love” has
to be.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define love according to how it's portrayed in
the mainstream world through stories and images.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
redefining the word 'love' for
myself:</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
an act of good will considered
upon what is the best for all.</div>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define love as a bundle of feelings when in
fact love can only bear fruit when it is acted upon, not when it's
just felt.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Love, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7K72X4eo_s" target="_blank">love is a verb</a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
love is a doing word</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
fearless on my breath”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that simply breathing can be an act
of love.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to explore the word
'love' and the concept of love in my daily living.</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to use the word
'love' to work my way through the resentment I have built against
it.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to support myself
through my fear of exposement through breathing.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to show myself
love/care by reminding myself to breathe.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Now that I see, realize and understand
that I am alive so that I could enjoy life with other living beings –
enjoyment here not only meaning positive feelings but all learning
experiences, be they more or less painful – I commit myself to take
chances with other beings and take “leaps of faith” by exposing
myself, thus showing and teaching myself that I have nothing to fear.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to investigate my
reactions to perceived criticism when I take things personally to
lessen my fear of rejection/refusal.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-27707737481721160112014-03-24T00:24:00.000-07:002014-03-24T00:24:13.958-07:00Day 395: Mapping out the experience of "falling in love"<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
23032014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxWKfCpdhebU-aYy9Tn1tLlouqKaF-7Y_k1PNXMLl99-nO60507dtJqgipixIkFFGl4cK00vkOBelZO4hn1OJj0WVRsFATf1B9TMlgsXD4HkIQG9SaEJfEJlxLkmD73pkWvc-J7NFoAbU/s1600/Mindgames,-when-you-see-love-and-hate,-you'll-shit-bricks.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxWKfCpdhebU-aYy9Tn1tLlouqKaF-7Y_k1PNXMLl99-nO60507dtJqgipixIkFFGl4cK00vkOBelZO4hn1OJj0WVRsFATf1B9TMlgsXD4HkIQG9SaEJfEJlxLkmD73pkWvc-J7NFoAbU/s1600/Mindgames,-when-you-see-love-and-hate,-you'll-shit-bricks.jpg" height="255" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Type "falling in love" into google image search, and you'll see just the other side of this coin.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have recently been walking through
the energetic experience many call “falling in love”. This has
been interesting, because even though I have gone through this
experience many times before, I have never before had awareness of
how the experience is created, and thus I have always been “swept
away” by it more or less.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
First off, I am frightened about this
experience, because I fear it will warp my relationship to the person
the energy is directed towards. My experience so far has shown that
every experience of love eventually turns into an experience of hate.
I have ended up resenting every person I have “fallen in love”
with – and god dammit, I do not want to resent this person, or
anyone at all, I really don't want to create a relationship that is
doomed to become charged with underlying negativity and fall apart.
To build on the experience of “love” is to bring about the
polarity at some point, and it would be irresponsible of me to just
ignore it and “go with the flow”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Secondly, I am a little overwhelmed by
the massive energy build-up that I've accumulated through feelings,
reactions, thoughts and imaginations. I can see the thoughts and
fantasies when they're here, and I have been trying to map them out
to see what need it is I am fulfilling in the thought/image. I
haven't been writing any of them down, and this has made it more
difficult to track what's going on. During my highest energy peaks
I've been trying to teach myself to channel and release the energy
and direct myself according to common sense, although here lies the
risk that I am suppressing myself, which is no good either.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I realize that this energy build-up has
already started many years ago when I have first met this person, and
that now the circumstances have simply been favourable for acting
upon it – I've thought to myself that I am “finally ready” to
face this person. In a way this is accurate. I've come to realize
that who I've believed the other to be is not in fact who he really
is, because the image I've had of him has been shattering when I have
changed my positioning within our interaction into one based on
self-honesty (occasionally I am still scared shitless and play along
with the usual social patterns on auto-pilot). So yes, in a way I
have been “ready” to see him as he is. I used to react to him
with a mixture of fear and awe, but with the image of him being
replaced with knowing him as a human being both the fear and the awe
have vanished. This hasn't decreased my affection, quite the opposite, it has simply brought me down to earth.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Having released those reactions, the
“love” aspect still remains. I can see that it's an accumulation
of energy that has been triggered in reactions I've had within our
interaction – many small moments of “oh!” turning into a
fucking fanfare. These reactions require precise mapping, because
right now they're still a blur to me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
seeing him (wanting his presence /
fear of not having his presence) –> fulfillment / unfulfillment</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
touching him (wanting
acceptance/attention / fear of rejection) –> gratification /
disappointment</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
discussing with him (wanting to
succeed / fear of failure) – looking for signs of approval –>
success / failure</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
reacting to opportunities: when
the circumstances are right, seeing a storyline that could be
fulfilled –> choosing to want/resent the outcome –>
creating anticipation –> blocking myself with tension</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
There are probably many others, but
these are the most basic ones I could find based on memory. I need to
start paying attention to these reactions when they occur – not to
suppress them (note to self) but to know myself and to direct myself
according to who I reveal myself to be. Fuck, I still have a big
issue with self-suppression, because on some level I still believe
that I “shouldn't feel like this” or that I most definitely
shouldn't act upon any of this. Some of the guilt aspects I have
worked my way through, but some remain.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I don't believe I should be too
hesitant, though. I can trust myself to see what I'm doing and if
nothing else, to carry responsibility for the consequences of my
actions, whatever they may be. I, like many others, fear making
mistakes above all, and I haven't yet solidified the fact that as
well as on other fields of life one learns through trial and error,
so does one learn in relationships as well. I've already done some of
the major mistakes and learned a lot, so I don't think I can fuck
this up <i>that</i> badly, lol.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Continuing with self-forgiveness and
with more mapping.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-44085686865329622122014-03-19T15:08:00.000-07:002014-03-19T15:08:46.425-07:00Day 394: Failing at life<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
19032014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0KNvYC6AhOapE40WULAsZaHpQK-kXfIPUUircrH9tjjTYbrJYV9-4-le6G-GZIowOCs6FK9qZ8zKl7VH3sOc18sneblFHMK7kTAHaen9mlVpAtPQyLLcLt1JlzlVNTm672YRlzX0yarI/s1600/failure-v-being-a-failure.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0KNvYC6AhOapE40WULAsZaHpQK-kXfIPUUircrH9tjjTYbrJYV9-4-le6G-GZIowOCs6FK9qZ8zKl7VH3sOc18sneblFHMK7kTAHaen9mlVpAtPQyLLcLt1JlzlVNTm672YRlzX0yarI/s1600/failure-v-being-a-failure.jpg" height="196" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have thought about my participation
within the Desteni group and how it's been wavering quite a lot
within the past 6 months or so. I make commitments to keep up a
steady pace of producing content, to interact with the other group
members, to partake in the maintenance of the group projects – and
I always end up failing more or less. I haven't been able to keep up
my pace of writing this blog at least 3-4 days a week – a drop from
the 7 days a week I used to do for several months – and this blog
is pretty much the last piece of participation I've been holding
onto, because I have really not wanted to let it go. I have seen the
practical value of writing and publishing my writings, and I feel
that if I were to completely drop the blog I would completely and
utterly FAIL, like giving up on myself in some way.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I just now asked myself about this, and
I was surprised how clear it all suddenly was. The reason I fear
taking on this commitment and investing my time on it is because I
fear losing the people around me. I fear that if I were to change
into the next gear (“next” here doesn't imply “better”, just
a stage of movement to a direction), the people I hold dear would
scatter away. But I can see that whoever I become, there will always
be someone to agree with me and get into the car with me – lol,
such a good metaphor – and that me holding onto people is an act of
fear and not one of practicality. Of course this doesn't mean that I
will lose the people around me, but I am not even giving them a
chance to face that decision.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In a way I am living within and as a
compromise: I see that to change my living would be impractical in
terms of coping, and so I adapt to my circumstances. I adapt myself
because I fear there would be no one left if I didn't.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
What I mean by this in practice is that
even though I am currently very busy with my studies and work, I am
also spending plenty of time on recreation and procrastinating (not
that they're the same thing). I realize that recreational time is
important for me because through it I give myself freedom to create
and express in ways that do not fit within my work schemes, and
through recreation I also give myself time to rest and recover from
any possible stress my body and mind have undergone. But not all of
my “free time” is used in this manner. Sometimes I simply avoid
doing anything of relevance because I have driven myself into mental
exhaustion, and I justify this with the need to “rest” without
asking why the fatigue is there in the first place and whether it
could have been avoided. There's also a guilt aspect to this, where I
accuse myself of having “indulged” in recreation, even though
when I honestly look at my doings I know that this is not the case. I
have taken care of my responsibilities – except for this commitment
to participate with Desteni.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It might also be that I am simply
trying to carry too much, that I am only starting to recognize my own
limits. Maybe I am way too occupied at the moment to add on any more
responsibility without turning it into a stressful compromise of a
life. I know that my studies will be over in a couple of months, and
that I will then be able to for a while focus on other tasks. I know
that stressing about it will only make it worse.</div>
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</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
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</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel guilty for not living up to my commitment
to participate in Desteni.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel obligated to take on responsibility as a
part of the Desteni group.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear failing to update my Journey To Life blog
because I have defined upholding the blog to mean that I am “doing
OK”, that I am active and willful, that I am consistently walking
my process towards becoming a competent human being.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I have already failed at
upholding the blog, if not a year ago when I broke my writing rhythm
for the first time, then at least this winter when I failed to write
even once a week.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I have failed my
process by not writing a blog post every day, not realizing that I
have in fact been walking my process in practice and in private
writings, if not every day of the week, then at least more than half
of the days, and that I have not failed my process but simply failed
the task of reporting about it to others.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fail the commitment to report about my process
to other people.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear failing to walk my process because I
perceive and believe that I will then fail at life and as a living
human being, not realizing that “failure” and “success” are
simply different outcomes of different choices and actions, and that
I have just decided to charge some with positive meanings and others
with negative meanings.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when I die there will
be someone/something to measure how “well” I have lived my life
and that I would then feel shame / pride according to the result –
not realizing that shame and pride have to do with this world and
this reality and how things work in this dimension of existence,
assuming that life after death will be as it is here when and as the
human mind dictates how life is experienced, not realizing that life
after death could be ANYTHING unimaginable – and that to fear
possible feelings of shame by judgement – which can be breathed
through and released, as they can be in this reality - is thus to
focus on the irrelevant: if I cannot know something for sure and
prepare myself for it, why stress about it at all?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that there is an authority who decides
whether my life has been “good” or “bad”, not realizing that
it is ultimately up to me to decide and carry responsibility for my
decision.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to secretly wish for there to be an authority to
decide upon the “preferable” and the “unpreferable” so that I
wouldn't have to look for the truth myself and make a stand as
myself, not as a vessel of God/universe/whichever authority.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to participate in Desteni so that I could
feel better about myself, as if I was then “saved” from The
Judgement, and not from the starting point of wanting to work for
this world as a whole.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to participate in Desteni from the starting point
of self-interest and fear.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that to really contribute to the
Desteni group and not only slow it down, my starting point needs to
be selfless, as it needs to be in whatever I do with other people for
all of the world.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that selflessness doesn't mean that
I'm excluded from everything else, but that the concept of “self”
disappears in favor of All.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
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</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to map out and revise
the ways I use my time.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to focus on my main
responsibilities – studying (to establish a position for myself in
the world system / to educate myself), working (to sustain my living
/ to apply what I've studied into practice), and civil society
participation (to rehearse working with people / to create networks
and relations) – and to thus give them my full focus and energy,
only taking into consideration other possible responsibilities
when/as/if I have time left over from my current main
responsibilities.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to regularly revise my
responsibilities to see if some need to be let go and replaced with
others.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to take into
consideration the fact that my capacity is in fact limited even
though it can be expanded to some extent, and that I cannot take on
too much responsibility without the quality of my input decreasing.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to build my life to be
enjoyable, constructive and fulfilling in a way where I give to Life
more than I take from it.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-66947857924062902842014-03-12T17:03:00.000-07:002014-03-12T17:03:40.629-07:00Day 393: Building trust in relationships<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
12032014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy_LfHaZkcz5snsUItlwNOzGLmrQwDfHtsLUbC727S4vrPJa-UuD-xHWQYMXYpq7O3PYQQq3o6WlYJY6YnkL4egFUNIxMF6ozBK2PpSNdGaPxnU-R88dJzvNuRYyZjVtuempz-znDobIU/s1600/dont_trust_anyone.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy_LfHaZkcz5snsUItlwNOzGLmrQwDfHtsLUbC727S4vrPJa-UuD-xHWQYMXYpq7O3PYQQq3o6WlYJY6YnkL4egFUNIxMF6ozBK2PpSNdGaPxnU-R88dJzvNuRYyZjVtuempz-znDobIU/s1600/dont_trust_anyone.png" height="320" width="319" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">http://www.thadguy.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I've noticed that a person I've been
getting to know lately has a tendency of turning serious when
something controversial is being discussed, this possibly being a
defense mechanism of sorts. Knowing a bit about this person's past I
can make approximate guesses of why this is (possibly a fear of
conflict / a tension in social situations when there's a risk of
disagreement), but I realize that instead of guessing around and
mulling it over in my mind it's more relevant for me to practically
support this person to see and possibly outgrow this tendency – a
process through which I might also learn to better understand this
person and the human mind in general.</div>
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<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react with fear to X turning serious in
conversation, as I have misinterpreted his seriousness to mean that
he disapproves of me when in fact I have nothing to do with him
reacting to his own mind.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to interpret X's reactions to be “my fault” -
that I am the cause of another's reactions – thus following the
mind pattern of self-blame and self-belittlement.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though I can reflect
myself from how others react in my presence or under my influence,
their reactions are still accepted and allowed by themselves and not
by me under any circumstances.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that people themselves are
“gatekeepers” of sorts to their own behavior.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that carrying self-responsibility
also means to not carry responsibility that is not mine, as I would
be denying another a chance to learn and grow.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that what would best support the
other person is not me reacting with possibly the exact same emotions
he is experiencing (insecurity, fear of rejection, uncertainty,
tension), but me creating a safe environment for discussing anything
at all by remaining stable regardless of the topic.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to build myself
into a stable support for others by walking through any reactions
that occur in me within interaction and transcending them through
self-forgiveness and self-correction.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to X becoming serious within discussion
because I have been afraid that he will choose to not like me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to want to be liked by X.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear not being liked by X.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that human relations do not have to
be based on likes and dislikes – whims and moods – but on an
agreement of mutual support, which creates a foundation for building
solid trust.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of not being liked /
desire to be liked comes from the fact that I base my relationships
on moods and momentary preferences instead of building them on a
common goal to support each other however we best can.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that my distrust towards people
(fear of being abandoned/rejected) comes from the fact that I have
become used to relationships being based on moods, whims and
preferences and thus anticipate the moment when I assumedly will be
ditched again as I fall out of another's favour.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I am in fact living within a
thought and behavioral pattern where, once a core relationship (one
that fulfills some primary need) fails its purpose in some way, I
immediately start looking for a replacement relationship (to fulfill
the need) – thus always looking for salvation from outside of me
without ever addressing the need itself.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
While observing myself for a few
days I have noticed thoughts where I justify replacing one person
with another with a selection of excuses (some valid, some not) –
and then reversing it again when the second person has not fulfilled
my desires. While thinking these thoughts I seem to justify having
exclusive relationships, and I do it through some form of spite, as
if I was blaming another for my discomfort/lack/need. Here, again, I
ignore the source of the problem itself: the need that makes me
restless.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that in order to build my
relationships into safe and stable places for people (myself
included) to face and direct themselves in, I need to focus on
(self-)forgiveness and mercy - living out an example of letting go of
self-diminishment, self-rejection and self-hate.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to investigate if and
how I manifest self-hate, self-rejection and self-diminishment when I
interact with other people, and I commit myself to write about these
points in order to better support others as well.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to investigate and
write about the pattern to replace core relationships with others as
soon as they appear to “fail” or “malfunction”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to investigate my
primary reason for desiring close relationships by returning to the
EQAFE interviews on <a href="https://eqafe.com/series/27-relationship-success-support" target="_blank">relationships</a> and <a href="https://eqafe.com/series/6-what-is-sex" target="_blank">sex</a>.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-47017479982644375442014-03-08T07:29:00.000-08:002014-03-08T07:29:28.788-08:00Day 392: Using weather as an excuse08032014<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRi1W1wVJQnv4uoPxhcHeckn-_dHea87t4aPOAw3w81O0dCMhOCIAMbUvps3fUpwNyyb29c8n5roLwvZkUo2MZifpLfghb3tnJ5UhrU7nJcbCr6uyyg9fGSm9rx_v5sT_3OJdIQvdbr2U/s1600/Crying-Rain-Water-Puddle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRi1W1wVJQnv4uoPxhcHeckn-_dHea87t4aPOAw3w81O0dCMhOCIAMbUvps3fUpwNyyb29c8n5roLwvZkUo2MZifpLfghb3tnJ5UhrU7nJcbCr6uyyg9fGSm9rx_v5sT_3OJdIQvdbr2U/s1600/Crying-Rain-Water-Puddle.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
This post is a continuation to:<br />
<a href="http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2014/03/day-391-winter-depression.html" target="_blank">Day 391: Winter depression</a><br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel disconnected from
life during winter.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the manifestations
of life around me during winter, as I have focused on the lack of
what I have labeled as “life” instead of focusing on what is
actually here.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I need to
work with the reality that is here at the moment in order to best
support myself to truly live within and as life.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the manifestation
of life that is myself when during winter my surroundings have not
supported my idea of “life”.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to make a deal with myself
that when the winter gets nice and cold and pretty (usually the
temperature here drops enough for it to be a beautiful winter for a
while) I will start taking walks outside and thus connecting with
nature and giving myself exercise – not realizing that because the
weather is unpredictable, this “deal” might never come to happen,
making this bargaining with myself unreliable. [We ended up having a
really sucky winter here, bad weather and no snow.]</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify giving in to
discomfort of taking walks outside when the weather is cold, dark and
wet by thinking that I'll go out when the weather gets better.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making
“if, then” deals with myself regarding my physical well-being is
not reasonable.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not support myself to push
through the discomfort of exercising and being in nature when the
weather is “bad”.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “bad” weather
according to some uncomfortable childhood experiences where I have
gotten cold and wet with no sense of control over the situation to
comfort me. [For example, now as an adult I can reason out with
myself that if I get wet, I can always eventually come home and
change into dry clothes.]</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel helpless when my
surroundings are physically uncomfortable, not realizing that I have
the tools to both alleviate the discomfort by practical means and to
walk myself through my feeling of discomfort.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the
manifestations of life in nature during winter by choosing to not go
out much, thus causing my sense of being “disconnected from life”
myself.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the
manifestations of life in other people by choosing to not go out much
and rather stay at home due to seeking comfort, thus causing my sense
of being “disconnected from life” myself.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as an
excuse to not exercise.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as an
excuse to not socialize.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the weather as a
justification to give in to my desire to remain within my comfort
zone / my fear of facing discomfort.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as I have
created resentment towards certain weather conditions, facing those
conditions within any activity is an act of stepping outside my
comfort zone, which means that I need specific attention and care
from myself when I face those conditions and expand beyond my current
comfort zone.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to go
jogging in “bad weather” and get disappointed in myself when I
repeatedly failed to do so, not realizing that as both the conditions
and the activity are such that I am still to some extent
uncomfortable with and resent, I would need clear focus and awareness
to be able to commit this set of actions.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not fully support myself
when and as I would have the opportunity to do something
uncomfortable and expand myself, thus with my carelessness wasting
the opportunity and building up self-disappointment.</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit
myself to take into consideration my remaining resentment towards
jogging and certain weather conditions when and as I go out to
exercise by giving myself enough time, dressing up properly,
removing any distractions and focusing on giving myself attention.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit
myself to exercise one moment at a time, one breath at a time.</div>
</li>
<li><div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit
myself to use self-forgiveness to overcome mental barriers towards
exercise.</div>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="font-style: normal; margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself
that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the
weather is not a valid reason to not go out unless it's raining
fireballs or razorblades (lol) – unless the weather is actually
directly harmful to human beings, which it rarely is here.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-83477743679189271302014-03-05T13:16:00.000-08:002014-03-05T13:16:36.783-08:00Day 391: Winter depression<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
05032014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4ItARbAbV9xoGEzrmzaq9iWsLktaRYLELy7Kh1HdUF89GVcNHKTtEMStrMR4hrm42lUoPJWIUojp0Kja7MtiLcQSWyBonFYMgTnAMtmeegVYKZ4ktRrRJGTfm6G30yYVF317Hz_mc7hU/s1600/3d-dark-winter-solstice-night,1366x768,54693.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg4ItARbAbV9xoGEzrmzaq9iWsLktaRYLELy7Kh1HdUF89GVcNHKTtEMStrMR4hrm42lUoPJWIUojp0Kja7MtiLcQSWyBonFYMgTnAMtmeegVYKZ4ktRrRJGTfm6G30yYVF317Hz_mc7hU/s1600/3d-dark-winter-solstice-night,1366x768,54693.jpg" height="179" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Audio transcripts from today:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“Today I cried out of joy when I
stepped out into the sun. Apparently it's been a very dark winter. It
is very difficult to find life from within yourself when everything
around you is dead. But then again, it shouldn't be about the
polarity of life and death, now shouldn't it? Like going from one
extreme to the other.”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“But everything is not dead. It's
just... Darkness is not dead. Frost is not dead. The plants are not
dead, they're just sleeping. The animals are not dead, they're just
absent, they're just hiding. Winter in fact is not dead. Why do I
label darkness as death? Or loneliness as death? Or coldness as death
or discomfort as death? I've grown reliant on stimuli from outside of
myself to make me feel alive. How do I learn to sustain myself?”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Some background:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have recently surfaced from a
couple-month long winter depression. It is a common phenomenon around
the polar areas for people to become depressed during the winter, and
this is usually explained by the lack of sunlight and the following
lack of vitamin D, but also with the lack of exercise and other side
effects of the environment turning unpleasant for humans. This,
however, is the first time I have ever experienced this phenomenon
myself.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It has been a very strange experience,
and I cannot pinpoint exactly when it started. All I know is that
some time around November I started gaining weight and that by
January I started lagging behind on my schoolwork having lost all
motivation. I reached a low point of sorts and haven't been able to
pull myself out of it properly until I've literally had to in order
to pass my courses. To pull myself “back to life” I have made
reviews of my living habits – exercise, sleeping rhythm, nutrition,
socializing, recreation – and these slight changes with the
increase in daylight and temperature have brought me back to a state
of vitality.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
As a side note, I watched this <a href="http://www.ted.com/talks/andrew_solomon_depression_the_secret_we_share" target="_blank">really cool TED talk</a> today about depression and found the key statement
about the opposite of depression being vitality instead of happiness
being quite accurate in my case. I remember feeling really alive
before my downfall began, and I am finally starting to feel alive
again – not happy per se, but energetic and motivated. God, I've
been super cranky for these past couple of months now that I think of
it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<i>Anyway</i><span style="font-style: normal;">,
back to the transcripts. When I stepped out today and bathed in the
sunlight for the first time in months, I cried out of joy because
suddenly the world around me felt </span><i>alive</i><span style="font-style: normal;">
again – as if I was “connected” to life itself for the first
time since winter began. However, this concept is inaccurate. Life
itself hasn't been “switched off” during winter: I just haven't
been able to see it. There is life in darkness, coldness, silence and
hibernation, but it is just a different kind of life from the other
end of the spectrum: of the noisy, bright, colourful and sweaty
summers. So to think of winter as “death” and summer as “life”
does not follow the reality.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">What I
am saying here is that I have somehow accepted and allowed myself to
be affected by the environment I am in. Of course the circumstances
the human being – an organic creature – is in affect its state, because
different circumstances support different things: different
possibilities are available and so forth. I do not suggest that the
human being should somehow be separate of its environment, because
that is simply not possible. However, one can believe oneself to be a
victim of one's circumstances, thus giving oneself the permission or
the excuse to do something, to for example “slack off”.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">I have
accepted and allowed myself to be taken by moods, going from one
extreme to the other. I see that following these moods could possibly
result in me being extremely happy during summers and extremely down
during winters (which is the reason why so many people living here in
the north escape the winter to warmer countries). I see that this is
not a sustainable state, to resent one manifestation of life (winter)
and to celebrate another (summer).</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">What I
think happened in my case is that I used my prevailing circumstances
(winter) to give in to my deep-rooted loneliness. My life is mostly
quite nice and I can honestly say that I enjoy many aspects of my
life, but the social dimension of my life has been unsatisfying for
years now – actually, we might be talking about more than a decade
of feeling completely alone, since I started getting depressed at
around the age of 10 because of bullying and other malfunctions in my
social network.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">So
what did I do when the winter came? I focused on my work, stopped
exercising, started binge eating, forgot to rest and give myself
space to be creative (with music, movement, theatre, writing, arts,
etc). And then I wondered why nothing felt like anything, why I was
so tired all the time, feeling restrained and secluded and brought
down by my thoughts of self-diminishment. I was doing it all to
myself.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<span style="font-style: normal;">I'm
writing this now to support myself to remain stable and functioning
no matter my surroundings. I might have to live through many winters,
and I do not want that time to be lost into being stuck with myself.
I might even face completely new circumstances, like staggering heat
or humidity or drought, and even then I need to find the practical
solutions for physically surviving AND the mental solutions for not
throwing myself out of balance because I believe myself to have a
plausible excuse to do so.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I'll
continue from here with self-forgiveness and corrective statements.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-73154423414060668062014-02-26T14:29:00.000-08:002014-02-26T14:29:55.223-08:00Day 390: Submitting to aggression<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
26022014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeWHtDp-XufO-Bo3doCW53b9YKaqtuECTMKbyCl5mtBqood380qAWzr0ZtYmxIbEDc5HwzanqhaJruoQvVMT1WRzmUYGdRvZOoNS_luy9xi82IlwOFSyR5yIBVn3eRhyphenhyphen9SyGny6vrvtEI/s1600/TimidChild.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjeWHtDp-XufO-Bo3doCW53b9YKaqtuECTMKbyCl5mtBqood380qAWzr0ZtYmxIbEDc5HwzanqhaJruoQvVMT1WRzmUYGdRvZOoNS_luy9xi82IlwOFSyR5yIBVn3eRhyphenhyphen9SyGny6vrvtEI/s1600/TimidChild.jpeg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">http://www.udes.com</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I've come across yet another
interesting pattern of self-judgement. I faced a moment at work where
I purposefully left a piece of mess for the morning shift to clean
up, of which I sent them a message in advance to warn them about it.
I was a bit worried about leaving it there, but because I had cleaned
the rest of the bar well and even better than usual, I shoved the
incidence out of my mind and forgot about it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Today I received a message from the
manager giving me feedback about it, telling me that a mess like that
should be cleaned by the evening shift and giving me directions for
the cleaning equipment required for it. The message was clear and
direct – not hostile or aggressive in any way – yet I reacted to
it quite strongly. I instantly started telling myself that I had
“fucked up” and “made a mistake”. I went through the
situation and saw how I could have done things in a different way,
possibly not gaining any different results, but at least trying my
best. Basically, I tried to make myself feel better about myself by
pointing out all the things I did and have done well, while
simultaneously putting myself down by thinking that with this single
task “I didn't do my best” because I reasoned out that I don't
have to, that I can cut myself some slack. So it was as if I was both
whipping and caressing myself at the same time, lol.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I discussed this a bit with the manager
now, and because his response was that of common sense, I realized
that I was acting very submissive, apologizing and child-like. (Thank
you, world, for managers that aren't abusive assholes!) It was like I
had lost all self-respect and dignity – like an utterly humbled and
broken child. This is a highly interesting facet of myself to see,
because my self-image, or self-ideal, is one of an “independent,
willful woman”. I would like to be strong and see myself as strong,
when in fact I am not, at least in some ways. I have weak spots.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I am not sure where I have learned this
pattern of only searching for my value in other people's responses.
This isn't anything I would have been actively taught at home,
because my family was quite laid back. My best guess is that when
entering primary school I got completely sucked into its disciplinary
system. I knew none of the kids from before and to me they all
appeared to already know each other from preschool; my teachers were
idols to me and I yearned for their approval, especially after facing
what it's like to not be in their favour. So in order to gain
standing in the eyes of my peers and authorities I learned to play
the “game of schooling”: doing what I was told to get the best
rewards.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It is fascinating to see just how
broken I am after a confrontation like this. There was nothing
aggressive or purposefully hurtful about it, and yet I crumbled. It's
very close to the “good student dilemma” I wrote about recently,
where I want to be the “good employee” and thus live within
constant strain, as if I was constantly stretching myself from
opposite ends while looking around for signs of approval. The
anticipation of “did I do something wrong?” met with the feedback
today makes for misinterpretations and flipping out.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to misinterpret my employer's message to be
blaming and angry by creating an image in my mind the night before
about him finding the mess and getting angry at me for not cleaning
it up, him blaming me for not doing something that's not his
responsibility but mine, thus seeing this image in my mind when I
read the message and fitting the message with the image – not
realizing that my perception of the message was already fucked
because of the image I had crafted out of fear.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe it is valid for another person to feel
angry when they need to do something “unfair” (clean up a mess
that's not theirs), thus taking the blame for not doing it for them,
not realizing that cleaning up the mess in question wouldn't have
been “fair” for me either because I didn't cause it – and that
essentially there is nothing that is “fair” or “unfair” in
this world as we are all a part of the same organism that has created
and will create itself and the circumstances it's within: we're all a
part of a species that allows its members to get drunk enough to puke
all over bathroom floors, so somebody's got to clean that shit up.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to submit when somebody directs their anger at me
– real or imagined! - thus accepting whatever accusations and
demands if they seem in any way plausible to me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to anger/aggression by submitting.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear anger and aggression.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that anger and
aggression are simply individuals' reactions to what there is and not
valid feedback on myself.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that anger and aggression
are valid because I saw my father using them when I was a child.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When and as I see myself reacting to
anger and/or aggression, I stop, I breathe and I search myself for
any feelings of smallness, inadequacy and shame. I look at my
thoughts and pinpoint what exactly I am thinking. I remind myself
that I am not in school anymore, that no one can bully me anymore,
that no one no longer has the power to decide my worth for me based
on arbitrary demands. I check myself to see whether I am in fact
imagining the anger/aggression, as this is what I am prone to do, or
whether the aggression is actually there. I remind myself that
anger/aggression are reactions to how a person experiences the
reality and not necessarily valid statements of the reality itself,
and that a person's emotional reaction is not an indicator of who I
am but of the person him/herself. I breathe and I follow through the
situation by focusing on my self-assessment.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to stop being a
floormat. (lol)</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to stop validating
aggressive reactions by counter-reacting to them.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to investigate how and
why I create mental images where I am attacked, thus creating a
fearful stance towards the world.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to reconsider before I
apologize.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-40844149643815883102014-02-22T07:14:00.000-08:002014-02-22T07:14:08.378-08:00Day 389: A "good student" dilemma - part 2: self-forgiveness<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
22022014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbcxQPh7pISAqj2qh1BLeJr1ehPgtxS6cUSi9SlJ_67F4uVPBseTkC-rHpSLdp_NccaP7OMmmUOKeFnpRor17gcFH4DdvsddZmuIMAmN1aSI9-RxLe3YxajAVKDI3dENe6V2inOTUJNyM/s1600/A+GOOD+STUDENT.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhbcxQPh7pISAqj2qh1BLeJr1ehPgtxS6cUSi9SlJ_67F4uVPBseTkC-rHpSLdp_NccaP7OMmmUOKeFnpRor17gcFH4DdvsddZmuIMAmN1aSI9-RxLe3YxajAVKDI3dENe6V2inOTUJNyM/s1600/A+GOOD+STUDENT.jpg" height="320" width="290" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Are guidelines like this actually used somewhere?</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This post is a continuation to:</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<a href="http://thespianjourney.blogspot.com/2014/02/day-388-feeling-like-loser-good-student.html" target="_blank">Day 388: Feeling like a loser - a "good student" dilemma</a></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get disappointed in myself when I didn't get a
“good grade”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect myself to get a “good grade” because
I associated the way I had worked for the assignment (long hours,
lots of work, enthusiasm, self-expansion) with situations where I
have previously done the same in school and almost always been
“rewarded” for it with a “good grade”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that basic schooling and university
are different by principle (public vs. private interest), and that I
cannot thus expect the same kind of approach on pedagogy and
learning.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect university to be “fair” as I
experienced my basic schooling (primary & high school), not
realizing that even though basic schooling seemed “fair” and
“rewarding” to me, it certainly wasn't that for everyone.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that during my
basic schooling I was one of the few privileged kids who had the
skills and assets the school system seeks and rewards, and that the
fact that I was well-off didn't mean that I worked hard and the
others were simply lazy: it was often the exact opposite.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all
throughout my life I have been blind to the discriminating nature of
the school system because I was one of those who got rewarded within
it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get angry at “the world” when I didn't get
a “good grade”, as I had expected myself to get one.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to demand that “the world” gives me “good
grades”, as if it owes me recognition, as I have in school learned
that hard work will be rewarded externally through praise and that I
do not need to show myself acceptance – or that self-acceptance is
not “enough”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that within the school system I
have learned to be reliant on external validation, as I got addicted
to the “feelgood” (elevation, pride, high status, acceptance,
ego) I got whenever I was rewarded with praise or “good grades”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though the school system
itself is partially responsible for abusing young people, I am
responsible for unlearning this addiction because nobody else can do
it for me; I may have learned it while I was an incapable child, but
I've continued to reinforce it during my adult years.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when I demand “the world”
to give me recognition, it's as if I'm demanding for my “fix”:
“I've earned my heroin, give it to me goddammit!”</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define “good grades” as those above a
specified average (for example: above 8 on the scale 4-10; above 3 on
the scale 0-5), as this is how the school system has defined the
division between “good”, “average” and “bad”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe that a “good grade” means that I
have done well and that I am somehow exceptional, not realizing that
the measures of “goodness” in school are arbitrary and have
nothing to do with the value of the person in question, but are in
fact there just to pinpoint and select certain kinds of individuals
for specific tasks, jobs and career paths in the society.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect that the evaluation system in university
works like the evaluation system I had during my basic schooling, not
realizing that whereas basic education is based on the principle of
supporting individual growth through encouragement (with the
exception of individual teachers), university is based on producing
uniform professionals through strict assessment (with the exception
of individual teachers).</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect support and encouragement from
university evaluation as this is what I have gotten used to during my
basic schooling, not realizing that this expectation is unrealistic
as the world of university is at the moment not about learning for
the sake of learning but learning for the sake of winning –
learning for self instead of learning for all.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect anyone at university to give a rat's ass
about my individual experience of growth, not realizing that apart
from the faculty of education this expectation is in fact
unrealistic.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame my teacher for wording the assignment
unclearly, not realizing that I am responsible for assuming that I
understood the assignment, and that in the “game of university” I
need to read the assignments like the “devil reads the bible” and
ask dumbed-down questions until nothing about the assignment remains
unclear.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to channel my frustration for “the world”
towards my teacher in aggressive thoughts and words, accusations and
belittling.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to resent the feedback I have received at
university, not realizing that by resenting it I incapacitate myself
from learning anything from it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that once I stop taking the
university feedback personally – reacting with anger, resentment,
irritation, frustration / excitement, pride, joy, glee – I can
actually learn the rules of “the game” from it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to accumulate my self-disappointment (“I failed”
= “I suck at studying”) to a point where I lose all motivation
to do my studies.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to give up on studying the instant when the
external feedback doesn't validate my personal experience (enjoyment
in studying).</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to belittle my personal experience of enjoying
studying when I didn't get rewarded for it, thinking “what's it
worth when it gets me nothing”, thus ignoring the self-expansion
that happens when I study.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to forget that studying itself is not about the
credentials I get from it but about self-expansion – learning and
growing – and that even though the credentials may be important in
“the game of life”, they lose their importance the second when
this imaginary world construct collapses, thus leaving only personal
assets practically valuable.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that I won't “make it” in the “game
of life”, thus reacting whenever my grades aren't as good as I
expect them to be as I see them as a gateway to success in “the
game”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to lose my sight of the “big picture” -
studying for self-expansion and for life, and playing “the game”
on the side if possible – thus losing my motivation for studying
when my short-term goals aren't met.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When and as I feel resentment towards
my studies, wanting to escape them into some other activities – I
stop, I breathe and I remind myself that in order to expand I am
going to have to walk through my discomfort zone. I remind myself
that I am studying for LIFE – for understanding of what the world
is, how it works and how life could be improved for all – and I
support myself to look for what there is to learn <i>for me</i> in
the study assignment at hand. I focus on what I find interesting and
what there is to learn and thus make working on the assignment
enjoyable for myself. I commit myself to support and assist myself by
breathing through the moments of discomfort, moving myself one step
at a time.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to teach myself to
focus on learning instead of focusing on grades.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When and as I feel good after
completing a study assignment, I commit myself to stop, breathe and
look for any signs of expecting to get a “good grade”. I examine
myself within the moment and utilize self-forgiveness to let go
expectations, assumptions and definitions relating to the “good
student” persona. I remind myself that the completion of a task is
enjoyable in itself as it brings me satisfaction as a creator and
expansion through application.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to teach myself to stop
taking grades (and other evaluation) personally, be it in a positive
or a negative sense, “fair” or “unfair”.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-86874697407494122342014-02-19T06:40:00.000-08:002014-02-19T06:40:38.920-08:00Day 388: Feeling like a loser – a “good student” dilemma<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
19022014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitMA0frMU7L6nl24wDfkMv02Sp4g60n3ODab9sIU20GTbIV2aIqYybWigf8UDPDzMQoUMZ4rd4SNBL6jbG0_I8nhYk-5MMTpZ9Rv1BoZ1XKAydwuBYxKiTAn6hXavrUTAbvu44U0hb5vI/s1600/check-mark-next-to-survey-responses15-300x225.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitMA0frMU7L6nl24wDfkMv02Sp4g60n3ODab9sIU20GTbIV2aIqYybWigf8UDPDzMQoUMZ4rd4SNBL6jbG0_I8nhYk-5MMTpZ9Rv1BoZ1XKAydwuBYxKiTAn6hXavrUTAbvu44U0hb5vI/s1600/check-mark-next-to-survey-responses15-300x225.jpg" /></a></div>
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
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</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I had worked really hard for an essay I
wrote for a university course, and when we got the grades yesterday
and my grade for the essay was much worse than I had expected, I
ended up really disappointed. I read through the feedback my teacher
had given me and thought that she had judged me unfairly, giving me a
“poor grade” on shaky terms even though she recognized my essay
was well-written. I ended up being really furious, frustrated and
angry, and I even thought of sending the teacher an email to “explain
myself”, but I realized I would only compromise my future grades on
the course by acting out of aggression and also justify my reaction
to myself by acting upon it. I released some fumes, let some time
pass and talked about it with some people.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I realized I was blaming my
disappointment in myself on my teacher, which is absurd as my
self-judgement has nothing to do with her or anyone else in
particular. What I am facing here is a major self-definition that I
learned during my basic schooling.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
In school I was a “good student”. I
learned things pretty fast, I was slightly above average in most
subjects and excelled in some. At first I didn't think much of this.
Later on I started noticing how this gave me a “special position”
in the eyes of teachers – how they would look at me, talk to me and
treat me with appreciation, admiration and acceptance – and
especially when I started to get bullied and questioned my
self-worth, my skills in schoolwork (and other things I was skilled
at) became what I gave myself worth through. In other words, I wanted
to do good in school because then I would find acceptance in my
surroundings – if not from my peers, then from my authorities.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Where I went wrong with this assignment
was when I felt good after finishing the essay. I had gone through an
extensive research and writing period and managed to put together a
comprehensive essay with a point of view I found interesting. When I
finally got it done, I felt good because I had learned a lot about
writing scientific essays and the topic I was writing about. However,
I misinterpreted this feelgood. This feeling of “yes, I got it
done” has usually to me been an indicator of a good grade: when I
have felt satisfied with the result, so have others. In this case the
situation was different: even though what I had done was good, it
wasn't what the teacher had requested (in which case I still think
the assignment was then instructed unclearly – it can't have all
been just me being careless or “not getting it”). This is where I
collide with the workings of university, which are not always fair
and rewarding when one has worked hard, because there are other
requirements to meet as well, depending on whoever happens to be the
evaluating authority. It all functions around arbitrary rules given
by whomever is in charge, and to be able to “play the game” of
university – to get the credentials available – one needs to
learn an authority's preferences and expectations.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This is of course not how I would have
it. I would rather have disposed of the entire grading system on all
levels of education. But this is the system I am within at the
moment, and I need to learn how to work my way through it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This is why I need to walk through my
self-definition as a “good student”, because it contains the idea
that I am only worth something when I rub others the right way. It
causes me to be merciless towards myself and others, to justify my
place at the top of the hierarchy, to distort the meaning of
learning, and to distract me from why I am in university at all. In
short, I lose my grip of the big picture.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Having this process running for a day
now has lead to side-effects of powerlessness, loss of motivation
(for schoolwork) and waves of self-judgement (when doing recreational
activities). It is interesting to see how a single point of origin –
the moment when I read the teacher's feedback – can affect my
entire state of being for endless spans of time unless I stop and
unravel it myself.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I will continue from here with self-forgiveness tomorrow.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-17474762310185214462014-02-16T14:41:00.000-08:002014-02-16T14:41:57.153-08:00Day 387: Loneliness is the result of my passiveness
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
16022014</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
A couple of days ago I went into a kind
of a hyperactive state, where I became extremely social and where I
was really cheerful and on a good mood. This lasted until today where
after a day of socializing and kilometers of walking (which did me
good, I haven't been exercising lately) I crashed back home and was
tired to the point where I had to recharge for several hours before
having the energy to do something (the writing I'm doing at the
moment).</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This is an interesting point to look
at, because I went through some points regarding socializing before
my hyper-state began. My partner left a few days ago to his home
country and at first I was not OK with living alone again. I felt
disconnected, dead, stagnant and joyless, which I saw to be because
there was nothing in my apartment that lives on the same “level”
with me (house plants and even pets don't really compare to another
human being), thus making my environment lacking in external
incentives for self-reflection: in other words, I no longer had the
mirror that I had grown to enjoy.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
When I reflected upon this point I came
across thoughts regarding my friends, mainly consisting of hoping
that they would reach out to me – which is when I asked myself: why
should they come to me? How would they even know I would like
company? Why am I not going to them?</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
And so while pondering upon all this on
Valentine's day – I day I have had a heavily charged relationship
towards, with all the expectations of romantic gestures being flung
towards me while I sit on my ass – I worked my way through certain
levels of discomfort and took myself outside to where some of my
friends were, as I realized that if there is something I need, I am
responsible for somehow delivering it. I continued this trajectory
also yesterday, enjoying my work shift at the bar to the fullest, and
today as I met a lot of people and really embraced their company for
the first time in what seems like months. I kinda realized something
new about the importance and function of friends as mirrors, and also
discovered that I, somehow surprisingly, have quite a lot of them. If
I catch myself thinking “I have no friends”, I'll now know it's a
delusion I create out of passiveness.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So in a way having my partner live with
me was the easy way to socialize, because he would always be
available at home. When living with others the basic need for
socializing is fulfilled within my easy-to-access zone that doesn't
require extra effort for me – but the downside of this is that
every social connection that does require effort starts to feel like
“too much” in comparison, not to mention the stagnation that
comes from only socializing with a limited number of people.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
So: the hyper-social state caused by
some new realizations and the following practical application,
combined with a lack of sleep and plenty of exercise and fresh air,
caused me to become tired for a few hours. Doesn't sound unreasonable
when I put it like that, lol.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect myself to have a social life without
myself doing anything to construct, support, uphold and develop it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect others to approach me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if others approach me
it is a sign that I have friends, and that if others do not approach
me it is a sign that I do not have friends – not realizing that a
balanced and sustainable relationship of any sorts cannot come out of
a situation where one is constantly passive and the others are
constantly active.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to my need to socialize – the moment
where I notice I am alone and would rather be with someone – by
looking for signs of someone approaching me (checking facebook,
email, phone, physical surroundings) and feeling satisfied/fulfilled
when someone is approaching me or disappointed when I am not being
approached.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to not being approached by blaming myself
(for not being good enough) and by blaming the world (for not giving
me a good life).</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the world owes me a
“good life”.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to turn my back to the world (the people) when it
hasn't (they haven't) given me a “good life” in terms of the
social dimension, thinking that “if they don't approach me, I don't
have to approach them” - not realizing that I am in fact acting out
of FEAR as I am afraid of being rejected if I take the “risk” of
approaching another and thus revealing the fact that I (gasp!) like
the person – as if it was a fucking secret! - and that the other
person might be just as much in the need of company and just as
afraid of reaching out to others to get it.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize the unfairness of always expecting
others to approach me.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to expect that friendships are created, upheld and
developed while I passively sit on my ass and make no effort
whatsoever.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that the answer to “why should I
if others don't” in this case is that if I don't, the others never
will.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize it is my responsibility to ensure
myself a fulfilling social life.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to further explore and
investigate the social dimension of life. (So far so good!)</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to enjoy the people
around me, whoever they may be according to circumstance, by seeking
how we could mutually both give and receive.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I commit myself to teach myself to
approach others when I am in need of company.</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7163233896986281548.post-83456677489197924422014-02-15T09:55:00.000-08:002014-02-15T09:55:04.943-08:00Day 386: Back on track
<br />
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
15022014</div>
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br /></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
It has been interesting to see what
happens when I grow out of the habit of daily writing. Even though I
have been going through many points in action, thought and
conversation, and also occasionally in spoken self-forgiveness, I am
unable to provide a comprehensive documentation of what I have in
fact been going through. That is the benefit of writing: there is
always evidence to return to, to remind myself with. The past few
weeks have slipped by and I don't have a detailed recollection of any
but the key events.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
This is why, as my schedules are no
longer / at the moment as tight as they were, I am returning to daily
writing – or more precisely, to my more realistic goal of writing
on at least 4 days of the week. I have found that having
documentation of my motions is beneficial to my process and
development both within the moment and also in the future, as I am
able to reflect on the past relying on something more solid than my
memories only.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I again have no idea what to write
about, so let's see what I find here.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
An interesting notion I am making right
now as I write is that the way in which I write has somehow changed.
I have been both reading and writing massive amounts of mainly
scientific material lately due to my studies, and I guess the
“firmness” of scientific text is seeping into the way I not only
write but also think. This may prove to be a good thing, as it may
help me organize my thoughts, emotions and experiences. I am not
entirely sure what I mean by “firmness” here, but I think it has
something to do with both fluency and clarity. In any case, it's cool
to see that there is a difference.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
I have been going through many
interesting things lately, which I will try to make some kind of a
list out of.</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
building a partnership /
relationship / agreement</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
uncertainty / self-esteem</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
fear of speaking up</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
impatience with another – how
to disagree?</div>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
building self-discipline to be
able to study/work</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
doing a little at a time – the
push to take the steps to study instead of caving in to
entertainment</div>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
physical body in constant pain –
lack of exercise and effort</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
how to make time for exercise?</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
How to make exercise enjoyable?</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
How to push through the
discomfort of moving myself?</div>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
developing participatory
leadership with children</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
treating children equally</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
stopping blame and guilting</div>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
loneliness / solitude /
socializing</div>
<ul>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
“please recognize me” - fear
of turning invisible – seeking for a “connection”</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
effort to socialize: why should
others come for me?</div>
</li>
<li><div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Learning to enjoy men as people,
not as potential partners</div>
</li>
</ul>
</li>
</ul>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
<br />
</div>
<div style="margin-bottom: 0in;">
Quite the list! Lol, and that's not
even all of it. Alright, the plan is I start going through these
points little at a time, depending on which points are more
prominent. It is really nice to be here again, in my writing spot,
devoting this section of time for myself only – not in the
fuzzy-warm-feeling kind of nice, but, I dunno, a tranquil sort of
“nice”, lol. I am giving myself the attention and the care I need
by sitting down to discuss with myself through writing. Thanks, me, I
appreciate it!</div>
Emmihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14525800697508837060noreply@blogger.com0