Days 374-375: A neurotic bitch: fixing others' mistakes in secret

05-07012014

My partner pointed out a behavioral pattern of mine that I had not paid attention to before, and as I was processing it I also noticed that I do it at my workplace. It's when I notice somebody making a mistake or doing something “wrong” from my perspective, and instead of directly talking about it with the person I try to quietly correct it on my own. When me and my partner were discussing this I said that the reason I do this is because “I don't want to be bitchy”. So basically I realize that “my way” of doing things might as well be wrong, and so I don't want people to believe that I'd believe my viewpoint to be the only right option (arrogance). I realize that this pattern is for me to avoid conflict and uphold an equilibrium of sorts, which of course doesn't work because mostly people notice that I'm correcting the stuff they did “wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking out my opinion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that speaking out my opinion might be seen as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will react to me speaking out my opinion and giving feedback even though my intention is not to mock but to organize things in the most beneficial way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my perspective on how things could be organized in the best way possible, thus being afraid of bringing my viewpoint into discussion so that we could all together come up with a solution to how things should be organized.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that others will criticize me for bringing up points where others could improve or change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear a backlash of blame and resentment from people when and as I bring my perspective into discussion.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with dissatisfaction, irritation and worry when and as I see that something has been done in a way that I perceive to not be best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give feedback to others from within the dissatisfaction, irritation and worry, thus actually attacking others by superimposing my viewpoint and thus giving others an incentive to counter-react with defensive behavior, such as blaming me and thinking of me as “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear of others attacking me when I give feedback, by giving feedback from an unclear starting point, basically blaming others for my discomfort, and thus creating situations where others attack me to defend themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have created this fear myself.

I see X -> I perceive X to be “wrong” -> I react to X and want to fix it -> I look for the cause for X -> I choose a target (Y) and believe them to be the cause for X -> I believe Y to be the cause of my reaction, not realizing that the cause for my reaction is ME and not Y even though the cause for X is Y.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my way of doing things is the right way of doing things, not realizing that even though I have carefully assessed all the perspectives I have recognized, there may be viewpoints that I have not realized to take into consideration.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the actual solutions for how things can be done in a way that is the best for all can only be achieved through a discourse between all participants.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to find actual solutions I need to discuss the issues with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and fix things “my way” without notifying others, thus hoping that nobody would notice that I am behaving “neurotic” and “bitchy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for wanting to solve things by thinking that I am “neurotic” and “bitchy”, not realizing that the issue is NOT my will to implement solutions but the fact that I do not discuss this with other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear giving others feedback as I have feared that they will take it personally and believe their reaction to be my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if others would blame me for their reaction to my feedback, it doesn't make my feedback invalid - quite the opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not look at the reactions of others as they are – manifestations of who they are at the moment – and that I have instead taken them personally and defined myself accordingly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the solution to my habit of reacting to others' mistakes is to fix things in secret. (When I put it that way I'm starting to see how ridiculous this is, lol. Ingredients for a comedy film!)

I commit myself to no longer fix others' mistakes “in secret” by not addressing the mistake in any way and hoping no one will notice.

When and as I perceive someone to be making a mistake, I stop, I breathe and I check myself for any and all reactions. I remind myself that I am reacting to something I have labeled as “wrong” - something that I do not want in my reality – and that by rejecting a part of this reality I incapacitate myself from acting within it. I remind myself that my conception of “right” and “wrong” (what is best for all) might be flawed and that the only way to expand my conception is to discuss it with others.

Thus, I commit myself to bring up the mistake in discussion with the people involved to reach a shared understanding on what the best course of action would be.

• For further support, some phrases I can start the discussion with: “I see you're [doing X]. How did you learn to do it like this? Have you considered [perspective Y]?”

Days 334-335: Giving feedback to a friend

14, 16102013

Am I being too soft by not being aggressive and critical with the feedback I give my friends?

When I interact with people and notice something I should point out, I am balancing out between being too harsh and too kind on people. The model I have picked up on giving out constructive criticism has been a fairly aggressive and reactive one, and I realize that this is not the best possible way to approach people, because within it I ignore my own reactiveness and blame the other for “not knowing” (making me react). Within this model I also assume the worst of everyone and believe my assumptions without question. Acting from within this model has caused a lot of conflict and friction to occur, and the discussion hasn't really advanced because everyone has been raging at each other.

I have reflected upon the buddhist principle of not saying things that are hurtful to others. I have not been fond of this principle because to meet it seems to encourage people to tip-toe around each other's issues and allow them to live out their shitty patterns – I have seen cowardice in this guideline. It has bothered me throughout the years though, and I have returned to think about it every now and then.

What I have come to realize that the principle does not have to be understood and applied this way. What I see in it is a suggestion to not try and aggravate people – not to provoke – but to instead try to say things in such a way that would be comprehendible to others.

There's been a gradual change in my approach and today I came to think of it when I had a discussion with a friend. She told me about some things that were bothering her in her life – things that are usually considered highly immoral – and I told her my perspective on it. After this she told me that everyone she had talked to about this before had gotten really angry at her and told her that what she is doing is “absolutely wrong”. I only then realized that I hadn't reacted to the information she shared with me in such a way (even though the reaction of “woe the immorality” was there) and that my starting point was not that of aggressive-defensive reactiveness as it had apparently been with her other friends – and I thought to myself: am I being too soft? Should I have told her she is doing “wrong” things? Should I have been more assertive?

I think that my approach may have even helped her, because how I put my words didn't make her flip out. I was honest and direct, but I wasn't accusative. And that may have helped in getting the message across. Making people feel safe may be pretty essential in interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to another's description of her actions by thinking “whoa, that's not OK”, not realizing that whatever I consider to be “right” or “wrong” is a subjective standard, no matter how much it benefits the well-being of all life from my perspective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another based on my standards of “good living”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge another without consideration for why she has done the things she has done, not realizing that her mistakes may have been done out of ignorance (not knowing) instead of negligence (not wanting to).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge my friend to be “immoral” because the story she told me reinforced the mental image I had of her – not realizing that the reality is not black-and-white like that and that she is not doing these things out of malice (at least not yet, as far as I can tell).

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define my friend to be “immoral”, “flighty”, “dependent” and “messed up” based on my first impression of her, not realizing that I first met her years ago when her life was much more of a mess than it is right now, and that it is unfair towards her and myself to only see her as a two-dimensional stereotype that is based on her past and mine.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give my friend a chance to show me / myself a chance to see who she is NOW.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to what my friend told me because I believe and perceive I would not be able to do the things she does.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to my friend's actions because if I was faced with similar situations I would freeze with fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my fear on my friend by accusing her of being “immoral” (even though this accusation was just a passing thought that never carried onto actions), thus reinforcing the behavioral pattern of labeling all the things I have limited from myself as “bad”/”wrong”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to “moralize” others by blaming my own limitations on them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my limitations by labeling them “bad”/”wrong” - believing I shouldn't have been able to do them anyway because they're “forbidden”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare myself to others when I had explained my point of view to my friend, thinking I should be discussing and giving feedback “more like the others”, not realizing that reacting with aggression and blaming it on the other through anger, pity, cruelty or putting her down would not assist and support her in understanding what I'm trying to say and would only alienate her as I would be acting through self-interest – and that there is thus no reason for me to regret the way I put my words.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being honest with others because I fear they will react and blame their reaction on me, not realizing that no matter my starting point and how carefully I place my words some people might react and blame it on me anyway.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I see something I consider to be dysfunctional, it is my responsibility to point it out and at least discuss it with others as long as we agree on the matter, which is when action can be taken.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility of pointing out dysfunctionalities by thinking “it was probably nothing” / “they will figure it out themselves”, thus letting it slip through my fingers, accepting and allowing the dysfunction to continue existing as it is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to doubt my evaluation of what is dysfunctional so that I would have an excuse not to take the risk of getting others angry at me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sacrifice my integrity and self-trust so that I wouldn't have to face aggression from others.

When and as I discuss with people, I commit myself to focus on asking them questions instead of telling them what to do.

I commit myself to investigate my patterns of interaction and discussion.

I commit myself to make a note of and explore the things I have labeled as “bad”, “wrong” or “immoral” within and as the realization that (at least a part of) the label is there to excuse me from going beyond my comfort zone.

I commit myself to discuss with plenty of people to give myself a chance to practice being honest within discussion.

Day 306: How dare you!

02092013

Lately I've been going through the point of reacting with anger to seeing injustice, ignorance or some form of wrong-doing. This point arose when I encountered a homeless man on the street and reacted to the behavior of the other people that were present. A friend gave me some perspective on what happens within that moment of reaction and I found it really helpful.

Just now I faced this point again within a different context, and because it happened to fit this topic precisely I figured I might as well just write it out immediately. Quite cool, huh!

Me and the other administrators at our theatre have been trying to arrange a meeting with one of the city officials to negotiate the terms under which we operate in the facilities we are using. For some years now there has been an ongoing passive-aggressive conflict between this specific city official and the chairman of our theatre group. Our chairman has spoken of this official with heavily emotional words due to her frustration, and while I have tried to keep a neutral position to this person and this mess we are trying to solve – because I simply do not know enough of it and have never even met this official - some of our chairman's words have gotten to me and I have in fact adopted some of her negativity. The “evidence” for her claims has been “convincing” enough for me to believe her interpretation of the situation.

I noticed this just now when I was checking on the details of the meeting we had agreed for tomorrow and found out that the official had to cancel the meeting and now suggested another date and time. I reacted by saying: “I knew it!” This meaning that I had already assumed this official to be disrespectful and inconsiderate towards us based on what I have seen and heard of her actions and attitude so far. There's six of us trying to fit our schedules with hers, and she won't even let us know until we call her the last minute?! That's fucking rude!

But I realized while I was huffing and puffing and swearing in my anger that I was doing it again: I already had an image / assumption about who this city official is based on what I have heard of her in the past; I was interpreting the happenings according to my image/assumption of her; I reacted according to my interpretation; I found my reaction justified; and thus, I held onto my reaction and just wanted to express my anger instead of finding a solution to what I perceived to be “wrong”/unjust (another being inconsiderate).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build an image into my mind of a person I have never even interacted with based on what other people have told me about her and my following interpretations of what her influence might have been on actual events/happenings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the justifications others have given for their emotional reactions towards this person, accepting and allowing them to react and be emotional as I have believed that it is enough if I do not react – not realizing that if there's even one person within the group who is allowed to remain angry it will influence the entire group unless we're all stable – which we are not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret each new “story” I have heard of this person throughout the years according to what I have heard of her in the past, remembering the anger of others, believing and perceiving that I'm looking at a chain of unjust events when in fact I do not know what actually happened in the past, nor what happened in the present; I do not know who this person is and the consistent anger of others is not “evidence” of this person's unjust nature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be influenced by another's consistent anger/negativity/frustration by creating a belief that her anger is justified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though what I see here may actually have been a chain of unjust events, the reactions these events have triggered in others are still not justifiable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I do not know why this person canceled the meeting – there's a million reasons why one would have to cancel an appointment at the last minute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that this person canceled the meeting out of ill will, spite and malice based who I believe her to be – who she is as an image in my mind – not realizing that I have seen no actual indication of ill will, spite or malice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that second-hand information is never fully reliable no matter how much I would like to trust its source.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to further amplify my reaction of anger by thinking “I am very busy – I went through all this trouble to fit this into my schedule – it will be SO HARD to arrange another appointment – AAAAAA that's so fucking rude of her!” - blaming my own hardship* of arranging a schedule on another.

* A heaviness which I create myself and which doesn't actually exist in the physical reality outside of my conceptual reality.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is justified to blame a person I have defined as “disrespectful”, “unjust” and “ignorant” (blame-worthy) for my self-created hardship.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that arranging a schedule is difficult, burdensome, hard and demanding and that it is a “big” task – not realizing that people's lives constantly flow and fluctuate and change and that schedules must follow this nature of living – and that arranging a schedule is thus nothing but taking the building blocks of your life and putting them in an order that works best for all.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold onto a schedule that seems to work best for me, not taking into consideration that when there are other people involved I must find an arrangement that works best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I heard about the meeting being canceled because I assumed the meeting to have been canceled out of malice, not realizing that my interpretation of what's happening is not based on facts gathered NOW, in the present moment, but on images, stories and memories from the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is unfair and untrue to evaluate a person based on stories and memories from the past, as I then do not take into consideration who that person is NOW – and that NOW is all that actually matters in time and space as Life is but an ongoing NOW-moment; the past and present do not exist anymore/yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I know who a person is even though I have never interacted with this person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give this person a chance to show me who she is; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself a chance to see who this person is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify my reaction of anger by thinking “she is doing wrong” - not realizing that if she indeed is doing something that is not best for all, getting angry about it is not going to change anything.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what I can do to find a solution for a situation where a lot of people are trying to fit their schedules together and instead lock myself into anger and blame one of these people for “making it difficult” - not realizing that if I experience arranging (this) appointment a “burden” it is my creation and thus my responsibility.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to be aware of the “baggage” of negativity that I have adopted from others concerning her; and I commit myself to look at who she actually is, allowing no bullshit (assumptions, filters, guesswork, hostility, negativity) from myself.

I commit myself to check myself for any want/need/desire to be "above" this person as this approach through arrogance is nothing but a defense mechanism.

I commit myself to ask myself why I fear this person.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear this person based on the stories I have heard of her, not realizing that if she were in fact to abuse her position of authority and power as the stories tell, it would simply mean the end of our theatre as it is at the moment - not the end of the world, that is - and that even that moment of destruction would have many opportunities and open doors.

When and as I meet this person face to face, I commit myself to stop, breathe and stabilize myself into my physical body. I will engage in eye contact with her and if possible, seek for a physical connection point as well (i.e. handshake). I will expect nothing but the best of her and I will allow her to unravel as she will. I will live as an example by being self-honest, expressive and kind, yet allowing no bullshit from her or anyone else.

I commit myself to seek an understanding of this person as one with and equal to me by placing myself "in her shoes".

--

On a more general scale.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger when and as I see something I perceive and believe to be “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” - within this reaction stating “this is not what I want MY world to be!” - thus manifesting my helplessness, worry and distress through anger, blaming another for “making” my world a bad place, not realizing that the actual cause of a human being acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong” is not in the individual alone but in all of society, in all its participants and its structures.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take it personally when I see another acting “unjust”, “ignorant” or “wrong”, blaming the other for ruining my reality, not realizing that who the other is within their “unjust”/”ignorant”/”wrong” expression is a manifestation of what the society and the world is – and thus also an expression of who I am, as I am a part of this society/world.

Therefore, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is not “the other” who is ruining my reality but all of us combined, and that it is our responsiblity to assist and support each other to correct what we can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for their mistakes instead of supporting and assisting them to see their mistake and correct their behavior - and/or everyone making the same mistake by studying and addressing the actual cause of the misbehavior and living as an example of self-direction.

I commit myself to study the world I live in - my world! our world! - in order to see, realize and understand the reasons behind the current manifestations of injustice and ignorance so that I may be able to contribute to the solution to these issues.

When and as I see myself reacting with anger to an act of injustice or ignorance - I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am passing the blame for what the world is at the moment onto another person, when in fact we are all responsible for such manifestations of a dysfunctional world. I breathe and I check myself for similar behavior: would I act in a similar way and why? I remind myself that I do not know the exact reasons behind this particular act other than it most likely being connected to fear on some level. I realize that my anger is not justified, and I remind myself that acting through anger will only serve my ego, as I would be trying to enforce "correct behavior" to make my world appear "OK" again. I let go of my anger with self-forgiveness and breathing*. When and as my anger has dissolved I have another look at the situation to see what actually happened - not what I believe to have happened - and I continue with the situation according to common sense, self-honesty and what is best for all.

*If I fail at letting go of the anger in the moment of breath, I commit myself to continue writing about this point until it is done.