Days 363-364: Play is real

06-07122013

A theatre improvisation practice, 2013.

I have been thinking about playfulness. Play among children is seen as natural and what they ought to be doing, because in addition to being a venue for self-expression it works as a way for children to practice becoming participants in this reality and members in a society. But what is it when adults play? Is there even such a thing as an adult?

To define an adult is to draw a line in water. One can look at sexual maturity, but it is a well-known fact that even young children already have a sexual drive, and that even though teenagers may be able to reproduce they are not yet capable of parenting. So adulthood does not go hand in hand with sexual maturity.

Neither is adulthood about seriousness. The myth of adulthood is commonly seen in people becoming more “serious” when they reach a certain “adult” age, letting go of old hobbies because they seem “childish” (yet secretly missing them), resenting obvious toys (yet getting new gadgets like smartphones), considering oneself as “above” all children (yet envying them for their freedom) and by no means “sinking” down to a child's level and playing like children with children among children and adults alike. Adult-adult relationships become charged with adult expectations mostly to do with power and sex, which work as means of control when the fear of one's survival in a dog-eats-dog world is one's ultimate motivator.

This is why I am always happy to find adult-aged people who have not forgotten the importance of play. Because I did theatre throughout my childhood and teen years, I grew up into an adult while constantly playing. I never really let go of play or became ashamed of it, and I've noticed that this is not very common even within my age group of 20-somethings.

I came to think about playfulness after an evening where all kinds of spontaneous play took place among adults. I found myself thinking: what are the limits here? How far can play extend? Am I allowed to do whatever? Afterwards I found myself thinking that the evening “meant nothing”, “contributed to nothing”, that “nothing was real” and “it was all just play”. These thoughts were an outcome of my disappointment, because I had secretly set expectations for the evening. With these after-thoughts I downplayed all that happened to negate the meaning I had imagined for what happened within the playing – to soothe my disappointment.

I realize that the main line of play I'm looking at here was a kind of an indirect flirtation scene, where the play just goes on and on without either one really “making the move” to make visible all the desires underneath the surface. (The fears that stop me from speaking up are not my topic this time.) What play is in this scenario is a kind of a test, a warm-up: getting closer inch by inch, little by little, to see how the other one responds, within a setting where you can say “just kidding” if the other one rejects you. It's also a way to for example bring out one's sexual drive in a safe “just kidding” kind of a zone, where you can dance and touch and move to quite an extent while still being able to say “just kidding” - although, if one only looks, what is going on is obvious and doesn't have to be brushed aside. What is here is here, and it is visible if one only looks.

So what bothers me here is the “just kidding” back gate, because to me that seems like an abuse of the concept of play. Within play one can express oneself in ways that would otherwise seem “unacceptable” or “too much”, and from within self-honesty play can then be a really cool way for self-exploration and self-expansion. If for example a flirtation play happens, it can be used to begin to communicate what draws people towards each other and what the following actions could be. The “just kidding” back gate functions as long as play is considered as something that is “not real”, when in fact play IS real, many times more real than the patterns we live our daily lives according to. When play is considered “not real” it is easy for one to accept and allow others to dismiss what they saw of themselves within play, but when play is considered real, there will be no place to hide. This is where I can change myself, so that in addition to supporting myself I can also support others within play to see themselves for who they are.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that play is “not real”, when in fact everything we do and are is some form of self-expression and thus very much real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore who others are within play, thus accepting and allowing them to suppress and hide dimensions of themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore who I am within play as I have been afraid of what I have seen, thus suppressing dimensions of myself and hoping that nobody saw me (or pretends that he/she didn't).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from who I am within play, not realizing that by embracing who I am within play I “expand” myself by giving attention to dimensions of myself I have so far neglected, thus becoming a “fuller” being as I unlock parts of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse the concept of play by escaping who I am within play with the words/thought “just kidding” and excusing my behavior with play.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that play is some kind of a field of its own separate from the reality, a parallel universe in a bubble, that what happens within play is “not real” - not realizing that even though who I am within play is not the personality I usually portray in my life, who I am within play is still real as it happens in this physical reality even though I imagine it to be happening within a conceptual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the personalities I “wear” in my every day life are my “true self”, thus dismissing everything outside those personalities as “not real”.

I commit myself to explore the concept of play within and as self-honesty to support myself and others to learn and grow from what is exposed of us all within play.

I commit myself to stop pretending to not see who others are within play even if they'd directly ask for it.

Day 294: Dressing up

20082013

 Me in 1993 (?) and 2012 dressing up the best I can!

I was asked to be one of the judges in a children's singing contest and I agreed to go. The night before the event I was thinking of what to wear to the contest because I realized that these children will look at me as a role model: I would be appear to be in a position of authority, plus for all the small girls a young woman like me does show an example of a kind – and as it turned out, I was the only 20-something in the jury, which makes me the person there that the children most likely relate to, as everyone else was the age of their mothers.

So I thought to myself: I am giving these kids the model of a woman, the model of a grown-up, the model of a human being. What do I want to show them? Or in other words: If I wear this and this, who am I while wearing those clothes and do I want kids to see that?

I realized that in terms of clothing there were many bad choices I could have made. I thought about a really neat black dress with a business woman type of feel, and I realized that I would wear a dress like this to gain authority, to appear powerful, and I would thus set an example that women have to be intimidating and serious, or even man-like to be appreciated.

I concluded that I would wear colour, I would be feminine and that I would show kids that one doesn't have to be serious about clothing – that it's OK to play around with what you wear, because what you wear doesn't define you. With the clothes I wore I felt comfortable, light, mobile, girly and silly. I noticed that I was nervous/anxious about “setting an example” so I kept myself in breath throughout the contest, trying to keep myself as “me” as possible. It was a little challenging with so many eyes following my movements and drinking up everything.

After the show I received feedback not only about my clothing but also about how I carried myself: I had appeared “graceful like a movie star”. That comment showed me that it's the combination of wearing clothes as self-expression and the way you carry yourself within the clothing that creates your appearance – not just one or the other. Sometimes clothing becomes an armor behind which I like to hide, as if the clothes would make me “bigger” than I am (this is the case with the black dress), and I have to start paying more attention to what I wear and why, so that with every piece of clothing there would be no fear but only self-expression – and practicality, duh, lol.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that with what I wear and why I set an example for the future generations on what the purpose and use of clothing is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I wear clothes out of fear, I teach the future generations that clothing is used so that we may hide behind them and thus present an image of who we would like to be, believing our own fabric facade and hoping that everyone else buys into it too.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I wear clothes out of practicality I teach the future generations that clothing is used to help our bodies adjust to the conditions of our living environments and to assist and support us in our activities. (This is why I never wear jeans, lol)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I wear clothes out of self-expression I teach the future generations that clothing is used to express ourselves to the world as who we are, not as our self-image, and that this can be fun, enjoyable, lively, not serious and non-personal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I wear does not define me – that I could wear goth, hippie, business, farm, hobo, hollywood or prisoner clothes and remain the same within all of them – that I am not the costume I wear but the being within those clothes carrying those clothes and moving within their limits.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to what I wear, morphing my posture and personality to “fit” the clothes I am wearing, not realizing that real life is not about theatre stereotypes and that I can in fact re-define the clothes and disassemble my image of what a person carrying them must be like by stopping, breathing and through the touch sensation feeling what the clothes are, testing their qualities, how they move, stretch, weigh and breathe and carrying them according to who I am / who I become through creation within and as breath as self-expression within these kinds of clothes.

I commit myself to pay attention to what I wear and why.

When and as I see myself thinking of wearing a piece of clothing out of fear – to present an image, to gain power, to be a character – I stop, I breathe and I realize I am not utilizing clothing for practicality and self-expression but for fear and hiding. I ask myself what I am trying to convey with the particular clothes and why. I realize it is not necessary for me to present a dishonest appearance in order to gain something. I forgive myself for the fear and I release it by facing it and breathing it out. I re-assess the situation I was dressing up for and I choose my clothes based on practicality and self-expression asking myself what I would actually want to convey in that situation without fear driving me.

I commit myself to explore clothing by slowing myself down when dressing up to actually feel the clothes on me and what their qualities and limits are, and to re-shape the clothes if it serves a purpose; I have scissors and a sewing machine, so better make use of them!