24-25052013
This is a point I am only now becoming
aware of as I have been observing myself within interaction with a
specific other person. When one is in the presence of another person
this is experienced somehow: I enjoy the other, resent the other,
feel excited around the other, get nervous around the other, et
cetera. Every time I am in the presence of another being I experience
it in some way, which is a manifestation of who I am and not
something that can be “blamed” on the other. Now I have become
aware of a pattern of not being aware of how I experience the company
of another, which leads to me never directly expressing this to the
other. This then leads to situations where I am asked, for example,
what it is I want from the interaction, or how do I feel about the
relationship, or what do I see the possibilities of the interaction
to be – and I cannot answer, because I have not faced my experience
of the other person and actually believe that I just do not know.
This has led to many relationships of mine getting stuck because I
was too caught up in the experience of being in the presence of
another to be aware of what it is I am experiencing.
So to make up for this I have come up
with some behavioral patterns. Recently (today, actually) I have used
the pattern of creating a scenario in my mind of saying things “at
the right moment” - and when the moment never comes things go
unsaid. Today I waited around to say things at the “last moment”,
but due to practical reasons it turned out to be impossible, and so I
missed a chance to express myself because I wanted to live out a
dramatic scenario instead of saying what I wanted right away. Another
pattern is to wait around for the “urge” to say things – like
when you're overcome with love and joy and happiness and sing out “I
love you” with angel choirs and fanfares - but when this “urge”
never comes things again go unsaid. It is like I have used this urge
as a confirmation of what it is I experience with another instead of
stopping and asking myself in self-honesty what is actually going on.
So here energy has been a replacement of self-awareness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to lose myself into how I experience myself in the
presence of another, mistaking the other to be the cause of my
experience when in fact I am causing the experience by accepting and
allowing the other to trigger something in me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to indulge in how I experienced myself around X
instead of stopping to question why it is I felt the way I did.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to be directed by my experience instead of
directing myself aware of my experience and its origins.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself, when and as I have developed a relationship
towards another person, to not stop and ask myself why it is I am
drawn to / resent the other, and instead justify going along with the
experience unquestioned by thinking it's “natural” to be drawn to
/ resent another, believing that it's something that “just is”
and cannot be influenced.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to get overwhelmed by how I have experienced
myself in the presence of another person and to thus believe this
“big” experience must be caused by something “bigger” than me
– and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself,
when and as I have believed this experience to be caused by the
other, to thus attach the value “bigger than me” to the other and
create a relationship of separation and inequality.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not question why I enjoyed X's company because
I was afraid the experience would fade, not realizing that all
experiences fade sooner or later and that they are not here to be
held onto but to be learned from.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that when I initially experienced
myself as funny, interesting, attractive, mature and capable of
support in the presence of X I meanwhile built a character /
behavioral pattern with which I could uphold the initial experience
that felt good, thus continuing to live as a character instead of
allowing myself to morph and change within the trust that who I am
will not disappear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not be self-honest about how I experience
myself with another and to thus disable myself from being honest to
another about my experience.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to sabotage my communication with another by not
communicating with myself.
--
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refrain from communicating my experience to
another by reacting to my impulse to express myself with fear,
“pulling back” from doing it as I conjure a worst-case scenario,
giving myself an excuse not to express myself by creating a scenario
where it would be “appropriate” to express myself in this
particular way, and then living as self-suppression by thinking “nah,
I'll do it later”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear sharing my experience to/with another as I
have feared that another would react negatively and resent my
expression, thus rejecting who I am in that moment, which I have
learned to take personally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take it personally when another chooses to not
agree with my self-expression, not realizing that even though the
response of another works as a mirror of who I am, it is initially
the other expressing him/herself in interaction with myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a habit of avoiding expressing myself to
others based on earlier experiences where I have been rejected and
where I have not had the understanding to not take it personally.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a habit of reacting with hesitation to
my impulse to express myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that this habit
does not serve my well-being (nor anyone else's) but only supports me
to live as self-suppression – as less than who I actually am.
When and as I react to an impulse to
express myself with hesitation - by physically “freezing” and
thinking “no” – I stop, I breathe and I realize I am repeating
a behavioral pattern that is based on the misinterpretations of my
past self, who perceived herself to be “at the mercy” of everyone
around her. I breathe to relax the tension from my body in order to
allow the “freeze” to melt away. I forgive myself in breath for
suppressing myself and living as less than I am. I remind myself
that to express myself without limitation is to live as self-honesty,
which is the root of any and all constructive interaction. I continue
on to express myself within and as self-trust. If the experience
persists, I ask myself what it is I fear and I investigate further.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify not expressing myself by creating a
scenario within my mind with me and others as puppets, not realizing
that “the right moment” I am looking for is actually a specific
kind of an energy charge which I think/believe/perceive would most
likely be obtained in certain conditions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to justify not expressing myself to another by
creating a desire towards a specific energy of “dramaticness”,
“greatness”, “epicness”, “sorrow”, “joy”, “love”
and “bittersweetness” which I would obtain by saying things “at
the last moment”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that saying goodbye is
“dramatic”, “big”, “epic” and “meaningful” and to
want to live according to this perception unquestioned.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that “saying goodbye” - parting
from another person's physical presence for an unknown period of time
– is “big” only within the mind-reality of images, scenarios,
fantasies and stories as in this physical reality we are a one big
organism the parts of which are one with and equal to each other, in
constant movement and in simultaneous relation to each and every
particle there is, be there physical encounter or not – and that it
is thus not “big” to part from one as there will always be others
and because the relationship exists even though there is no
interaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to confuse giving recognition to another being as
an individual whom I now meet in this moment of time and space, to
elevating the other by perceiving him/her to be “more” because of
our chance meeting.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to wait for an “urge” to express myself
because I have believed and perceived this “urge” to mean I am
now being truthful – not realizing that this “urge” is actually
a shot of energy which I have accumulated during a long period of
self-suppression and that even though the release of this energy is
self-honest (“this is who I am now”), it's creation is dishonest
as it happens unaware and for the purpose of living as energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that this “urge” to express
myself is the result of consecutive self-suppression during small
moments of wanting to express myself and choosing not to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize how backwards it is to suppress my
impulse to say something just so I could maybe say it later with
higher energy.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that by suppressing myself in the
moment of breath for the sake of “big moments” I have done my
relationships a disservice and caused many of them to become
impossible to live in.
I commit myself to not wait around for
energy to move myself for me to express myself, but to instead push
through the moments of hesitation within and as self-trust.
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