Day 235: Get away from me!

16052013

An interesting experience has risen up and I need to now write it out. It is something that has occurred in me in some previous relationships, but my situation now isn't like those, so I can get a fresh perspective on this.

I am traveling in South-Korea, and I am currently staying at the apartment of a person who I connected with at Coucsurfing. I am quite far from the centre of Seoul at a suburban area. He is being very kind to me, and his willingness to “give” his time, effort, money and resources is starting to overwhelm me.

At least in two previous romantic relationships I have gotten this huge overwhelming anxiety and just wanted to escape, and usually I did one way or another. They have been relationships where I have seen that the other is more “into it” than I am – meaning that the other has been more committed to and more invested in the relationship and more eager to spend time with it intensively and even lose themselves in it – whereas I have not really been there, I have not really been interested in the other person, I have not wanted to meet them that often, something in just being with them has made me feel like I'm in the wrong place. I have seen that we are there for different reasons, or that we are “out of sync” - and I have compromised myself in their presence because I have been unable to communicate this, and thus I have rather escaped the person by for example breaking off the relationship.

Alright, yes, that's the problem. In this situation with this host of mine I firstly feel like I am “at his mercy” because I am far away from subway lines and because we came here by car – but here I do not realize that he has told me where all the bus stops are and how I can get to the centre by bus. So this is clearly a misconception. Secondly, I am worried that the fact that he paid for our groceries and is giving me so much of his possessions “means” that he is expecting something from me – the worst-case scenario being sex – when I do not see the fact that he lives alone and is very lonely and is most likely simply happy to have some company. And my company I am happy to share – I've just got to make sure I communicate myself clearly and honestly and take care of my “personal space”, that I don't give my time any more than I actually can. The self-compromise is an issue here.

So, the issue seems to be with not wanting to address another's starting point for his actions because I fear conflict. And as I avoid discussing this I get stuck and compromise myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will get stuck in an unknown place, lost and alone, and that no one will help me or understand me – not realizing that I am in the middle of a densely populated area where there is bound to be someone who would/could help me if I asked for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to survive in case my worst-case scenarios come true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build worst-case scenarios “just in case” in order to ensure my survival.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only see another person through fear and believe the perception I create through fear, not realizing that looking at things through fear distorts things to appear according to my fears – which is not the equivalent of what is actually here.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive the hospitality and generosity of another to be an act of desperation and fear, not realizing that if there is desperation and fear in the other's starting point this may be addressed, and that this starting point still doesn't remove the fact that he is being of tremendous help to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame myself and to feel guilty for not being grateful of another's hospitality when I actually have expressed my gratitude, both in words and deeds.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about another's willingness to spend time with me as I have perceived him to be acting out of desperation and fear, feeling uncomfortable in his presence as I have felt like my personal space or needs are “not considered” - not realizing that I am the one who has to consider myself and that thus I need to express my needs and claim the space that I require – and that this is not “rude” or “impolite” but an act of taking care of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that another will react negatively if I claim my personal space / act according to my needs because I am used to taking it personally if another reacts, and that I have thus avoided claiming my personal space and instead waited around for it to be “given” to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reactions of another are not my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anxious about another suggesting common activities for my remaining travel time, wanting to “decide for myself” and “make plans by myself” - not realizing that I am anxious and feel limited because I perceive the other to have “power over me” because of my unwillingness to be “impolite” and refuse his offer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically refuse the suggestion of another because I have created an image of the other as “desperate” and believed this suggestion as well to be “desperate” and “clingy” instead of looking at what the suggestion would actually entail and whether it might actually be something I'd like to do – yet also keeping in mind that if the starting point of the other is fear I am responsible to not participate in order to not support his mind-fucks.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe myself to be “helpless” in front of people who get really excited about spending time with me as I have believed and perceived that I “have to” spend time with them because it makes them so happy – not realizing that I am doing the other a disservice by not questioning their self-consuming actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be OK with my host's generosity because I come from a culture of a different kind of expressing hospitality than this one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear fully opening myself in my host's presence because I have feared that this will be misunderstood as “romantic interest” as it often has been, as it is not common for people to be open with each other and face each other without fear and thus those who are fearless are often clung onto because they “shine” in the middle of everyone else – not realizing that misunderstandings can be solved by addressing them immediately when they occur.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear looking my host directly in the eye because I have feared that this fearlessness will be misinterpreted as “romantic interest”.

I commit myself to have my well-being as a priority as I see, realize and understand that I am responsible of myself only – not of other fully adult human beings.

I commit myself to trust myself to be able to find a way to survive as I see, realize and understand that I am surrounded by beings just like me on a planet that is of the one and same matter no matter where I go.

When and as I face a conflict with another person, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that this being is one with and equal to me – that we are the one and same – and I place myself “in the shoes” of the other. I see myself in the other and ask myself what it is I need. I place the other within myself and ask myself what I am not accepting. I then find a solution based on this self-honest assessment.

I commit myself to push through my fear of being open with another by breathing and relaxing my body and physically opening myself up within and as the realization that if there are misunderstandings they can be solved.

I commit myself to not accept and allow signs of misunderstandings to slip by and to address them immediately when they occur in order to not accumulate misunderstandings even further.

I commit myself to reconsider my host's suggestions without fear and prejudice.