Day 348: Shooting the messenger

08-09112013

A few days ago I faced a situation where criticism and blame was directed towards me. I realized that the person criticizing me (and others) was reacting to her interpretation of the situation, and so I didn't take it personally. I kept myself in breath and let her express her frustration. The situation ended with her dismissing her own reaction by saying “this is just who I am, I can't help it” and that she realizes that there is nothing actually wrong with the situation at hand.

Because of her own attitude it would be easy for me to just say “yup, that's how it is” - to pass all the responsibility for another's reaction onto the other and dismiss whatever was going on. But I know that a part of what she is picking up from me and reacting to is actually there, although very slightly and well-hidden. What I found here is a pattern where “I don't have to listen” if the one delivering the message is reacting emotionally – when in fact the message might be true even though it's being delivered from an unclear starting point.

I did a lot of specific self-forgiveness on this, but because it includes other people and I couldn't really "mask" it into a neutral form, I am going to not publish some of it. However, I will share some of the key points.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that in order for me to participate in an activity there would have to be a goal and that if there isn't a goal I don't “have to” participate – not realizing that the goals are created within and through the activity itself during those times when there isn't a specific goal, and that me joining in only when there is a specific goal is to pass the responsibility for creating a goal completely onto the others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not participating in the goal creation, not realizing that I have simply made a choice to channel my attention onto things that are more certain to have a concrete outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel frustrated with a hobby that is “going nowhere”, not realizing that I have not really contributed to “taking it somewhere”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to waste my time by participating in an activity “half-heartedly” - riding along but not contributing to creation and direction – not realizing that I would be better off either doing it with a full participation or not doing it at all and rather focusing on something else.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to arrange my life I need to make choices, and that sometimes those choices exclude one thing and include another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for choosing to not focus on [activity], not realizing that I have made this choice based on what I find relevant in life at the moment – a pretty solid decision - and that I am wavering from my decision through guilt because I fear that I will be judged for my decision by those who have chosen differently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear standing up for what I find essential in life as I have feared that others would take my stance personally and believe it to be judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge those who have prioritized their lives differently than I have mine, not realizing that people's life situations are very different, and that prioritizing [activity] might serve a relevant purpose in someone else's life (releasing energy, meeting friends, taking a break, getting exercise etc).

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use the starting point of another as an excuse to not listen to what the person is saying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a message from an unclear starting point – a dusty mirror – is just as much HERE than the same message from a clear starting point – a clean mirror – and that despite the source of the message I am able to “decode” it and thus reflect myself back to myself from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as a person reacts to me, to focus on their reaction – their “flaws” - instead of asking myself what it is they're picking up in me and reacting to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive others to be “flawed” to cover up for my own misgivings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the misgiving of another means that I have none.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure a situation based on each one's misgivings or “flaws” and to then dub each one as a “winner” or a “loser” (high or low status) based on the amount or severeness of one's flaws, not realizing that this “role play” directly affects my behavior and consequently the behavior of others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to focus on the misgivings of another to move the focus away from my own misgivings, making the “flaws” of the other appear bigger than they are and making mine appear smaller than they are, not realizing that this is just a momentary illusion and that both of our “flaws” are in fact one and equal.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that life is a competition where, in order for me to not “lose”, somebody else has got to.

I commit myself to make a decision concerning my participation in this activity by the end of the year based on what contributing to this activity creates and upholds in this reality on the small as well as on the big scale: how it affects my life, how it affects the group members' lives, how it affects the group community, how it affects the town/area and how it affects the world – and at what expense.

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When and as another unmistakably reacts to me, be it a positive or a negative reaction, I commit myself to listen to what they're trying to express while also aware of their reactive state, asking myself “what is he/she reacting to” and searching myself for the trigger – NOT so that I would carry all the responsibility and blame myself for the reaction of another, but so that the responsibility for something equally created would be equally shared.

Day 316: Loss of direction

16092013

A video log for a change because of a writing block.

Thus,

I commit myself to slow down with studying within and as the realization that it is more effective to study a book properly once than improperly for three times.

When and as I feel confused with the material I study, I stop, I breathe and I slow myself down in breath. I remind myself that all of the information in this world is somehow linked to reality, and that all of it can thus be connected to the "big picture". I return to the beginning of the section of the material that I did not understand, and within and as breath I read one word at a time, slowing down and stopping to ensure that I understand each word that I read. If this does not help, I take a physical break from studying (i.e. stretching, walking, dancing, singing etc), make sure I have had enough water and not too much / too little food and reassess and realign my physical study position. If the topic still doesn't open up, I investigate it outside of the material I'm reading (book, article, lecture notes) to see if an "outside perspective" would assist me in developing understanding.

I commit myself to investigate for ways to be an active participant of the university community.

Days 304-305: The fallen, the homeless, the disappeared

30-31082013

One day I was waiting for a bus and I started talking with a homeless man. He told me that he had three adult children which he had not seen since their childhood (the youngest had been around 5 when he “disappeared” from their lives), and that the children did not know where he is and he did not know where his children are. This made me think of all the people I've met who have told me that either one of their parents has “left” when they were young and that they have not seen this parent ever since. I was looking at the homeless man in front of me and realizing: He is one of those “missing fathers” – but he is here, he exists, he is not missing. Somewhere in this world his children are wondering what their father is doing, if he's still alive, why he left without an explanation, wanting to meet him, maybe, if only once more – and here he sits on a bench without a home and a family, regretful, hopeless and suicidal.

At the end of the conversation I shook his hand, and I was surprised by how warm and clean his hand was.

The self-forgiveness here is what I have processed for many years, so not all of it applies to who I am at the moment; some of this I have outgrown already. The behavior of the other people in the situation reminded me of these points and I wanted to write them out to be clear with myself, and also to not judge others for being resentful of homeless people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homeless people – the people on the streets – have once “had a life” from which they have now fallen, and that they have not been born into a life on the streets. (This is very uncommon in Finland as far as I know; in other places people are in fact born into slums and extreme poverty.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse homeless people for causing their own downfall, not realizing that this society has basically offered them no choice due to lack of support (education, resources, tools) for them, their parents, their grandparents and so forth, this lack of support throughout generations resulting in a person “falling” from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homelessness is a consequence of who we are as a society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent homeless people because I perceive them to be dirty, not realizing that they are not dirty out of their own will but because they have no place to wash themselves in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that homeless people are lazy, not realizing that they are not offered chances to do things NOR the mental and physical support they would need to outgrow what the previous generations and our current society have passed on to them (i.e. addictions, powerlessness, self-abuse).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that people end up on the streets for various reasons, loss of income, loss of family and loss of sanity only being a glimpse into why someone might not have a home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear homeless people because I have believed they might attack me out of jealousy, bitterness and spite – not looking into myself to see if I give them a cause to attack me, if I in fact create separation between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore a homeless person talking to me because I have wanted them to leave me alone and go bother someone else as I have feared they might attack me if I paid attention to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how immensely rude and arrogant it is to ignore another person who is trying to communicate with you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by ignoring another person I tell them they are “invisible” to me – that they do not matter to me – that they are not one with and equal to me; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize homeless people as LIFE – not realizing that while doing so I separate from myself what a homeless person represents and thus make myself less than LIFE as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and keep homelessness out of my life because I did not understand what it was and why it existed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent homelessness because homelessness represented losing and death, a worst-case scenario, and I feared I would end up like the homeless people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homeless people have all had mothers and fathers, they have all been children, they have (mostly) went to school (at least in Finland), that they are people who have been born, grown up and lived just as I have, but that somewhere along the way because of how they were raised, how they were taught and how they were supported they fell out of the society – which is a phenomenon that tells me there is something wrong, because we shouldn't have a society from which you can fall out of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from homeless people as human beings and as beings of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept homelessness as an inevitable phenomenon that is a part of our society – not realizing that this is not the kind of a society I wish to create, build and uphold, and that a society is what the people make of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homelessness is a consequence of inequality and separation among human beings in thought, speech and action, and that it is thus not inevitable / unrepairable because I have seen that equality and unity in thought, speech and action – in who people are and live as – are in fact possible because this is in alignment with the physical reality, the equality and oneness of all physical matter being absolute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who resent the homeless because I see myself to be “better” than them as I do interact with the homeless – not realizing that by thinking I am doing something “noble” by talking with the homeless I am feeding my ego and living as arrogance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of the homeless as “lesser people” who need to be “given” mercy and kindness from the above, as if my time and effort was somehow precious and special and not commonsensical – that which needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to elevate myself above the homeless because I have not fallen from the society - according to the rules of the game, I am still playing – not realizing that the game of survival only exists within the human minds and that if I believe the game to be real I lose touch of the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason I am in a more fortunate position in the society than the homeless is because of arbitrary factors, not because I'd “deserve” it or be somehow entitled to it, and that I am in fact one with and equal to the homeless people because they are beings of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for resenting the homeless because I have not wanted to face my arrogance and wanted to make someone else the “bad guy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to people who resent the homeless, because in them I see my own fear and helplessness.

When and as I see myself reacting to a person resenting homeless people by getting angry and wanting to show them an example of how to treat them better – I stop, I breathe and I realize that if I do this through anger or even slight irritation I am not focusing on what's best for the homeless person – I might not hear a word they say – as I am only concerned with my own behavior and how I appear to other people. I realize that my reaction of anger is triggered as I see my own fear and helplessness reflected in the person resenting the homeless, which I then exert and blame onto the other. I realize that if I would act from this starting point of anger I would not be helping anyone, as the homeless would not be heard, I would feed my ego and the other would witness an example of how to appear selfless, not how to actually be selfless. Therefore, I stop and I breathe, and I release the anger from me through self-forgiveness and breathing. I ground myself back into the physical. I move my focus into the homeless person ad ask myself: what does he/she need? I proceed with action from this perspective.

I commit myself to study and investigate how homelessness / falling out of the society as a phenomenon could be prevented in the field of education and child care.

I commit myself to continue to interact with the homeless / the fallen within and as the realization that even though I cannot save the world one homeless at a time (ego point – the savior) I will learn from the interaction and grow towards finding a real solution to inequality.

I commit myself to check my starting point when and as I interact with the homeless / the fallen and to thus make sure I am not approaching them through a high status.

I commit myself to interact with the homeless / the fallen without the assumption that their life is and has always been pure suffering, thus eliminating pity from my approach as pity often makes me blind to the mistakes the other had done.

Day 255: Student status

14062013

I just received information that I have been accepted into the university I applied to and took an entrance exam for. My reaction was of joy and relief and that of utter excitement. I am relieved because waiting for the results has built up anticipation within me and because this information now provides me a guideline for how I will begin to re-direct my life, which is something I have had to put off for a while. I am happy because getting into a university provides me with opportunities I have not had before and which I am eager to utilize.

However, in addition to all this I noticed that I started to build a new personality based on this new status of mine. It was an experience that said: “Finally I am someone!” or: “I am on my way to become someone!” or rather: “Finally I have proven myself worthy to have access to the resources that allow me to become someone! The great authorities have accepted me! Ha ha!” Lol, and this is of course ridiculous, because I define myself “more than” those who are not receiving a higher level education, and I give my acceptance for this education system that does not allow everyone with interest to study as much as they want. So when I breathe and return myself to this reality, I can see that I have simply passed a threshold in the imaginary competition that takes place everywhere in the world – I have moved onto the next level in The Game, which is not the equivalent of actual life even though it takes place within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being “no one” and thus desire to be “someone” as determined by an imaginary status/value assigned by myself as I accept and allow the imaginary competition for a higher status to exist through my own participation in it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a higher status than that of a “nobody” because I have feared losing the competition for status because within the current man-made way of organizing the functions of the world a low status means limited access to the resources and activities of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire a status which would allow me access to the resources and activities I wish to take part in because I have realized that there is no way to go around the current man-made system of running the world and reacted with fear to this fact.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in an education system that denies the majority of the population access to higher degree education as justified by the lack of funding - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my desire to be successful in this system counts as participating in the system and thus giving my permission for it to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the current man-made way of organizing education is not the equivalent of education, learning and teaching itself, but that it is just the way education is regulated at the moment according to prevailing principles.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I require the recognition of the university authorities in order to be “somebody” and to have access to higher degree education – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by believing and perceiving this to be necessary I disregard the fact that this only supports inequality and segregation as everyone is not given the same access equally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require recognition from an authority in order to see value in myself and to recognize myself as capable of learning and applying information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to require validation of my learning abilities from someone I perceive to be superior to me (university authorities having “higher knowledge” or “wisdom”) in order to become an active participant of this world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become helpless in front of the possibility that I will not be accepted into university by believing and perceiving that my actions would then be limited and that there's “nothing I can do” if I am not granted access to the resources a university offers, not seeing the possibilities that lie outside of university.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my actions with the belief that outside of university I am unable to act.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that university is just another man-made institution the purpose of which is to organize information, and that university is not the equivalent of information and knowledge itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that once I get into university I will be “different” because my status will then “upgrade” - not seeing, realizing and understanding that in the flesh I am the same whether I have this imaginary status or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to have changed because of my changed status, not stopping to breathe and realize that I am just the same being as I was before this status upgrade.

I commit myself to not be fooled by imaginary statuses by reminding myself that no matter the opportunities and possibilities I am “granted” in the imaginary competition for status, I am still of the one and same flesh and breath as everyone else on this Earth.

I commit myself, when and as this newly found personality of “student status” surfaces, to stop, breathe and remind myself that as a physical being I am just the same as I would be without this status, and that as a physical being I am one with and equal to all that there is on Earth. I ask myself: “Who would I be now if I didn't have the student status?” and I push myself to answer in self-honesty. I continue my participation in this reality within and as the realization that everyone and everything around me is my equal.

I commit myself to work and study to bring about an education system that will provide access to education for all those interested in learning.