Day 394: Failing at life

19032014

I have thought about my participation within the Desteni group and how it's been wavering quite a lot within the past 6 months or so. I make commitments to keep up a steady pace of producing content, to interact with the other group members, to partake in the maintenance of the group projects – and I always end up failing more or less. I haven't been able to keep up my pace of writing this blog at least 3-4 days a week – a drop from the 7 days a week I used to do for several months – and this blog is pretty much the last piece of participation I've been holding onto, because I have really not wanted to let it go. I have seen the practical value of writing and publishing my writings, and I feel that if I were to completely drop the blog I would completely and utterly FAIL, like giving up on myself in some way.

I just now asked myself about this, and I was surprised how clear it all suddenly was. The reason I fear taking on this commitment and investing my time on it is because I fear losing the people around me. I fear that if I were to change into the next gear (“next” here doesn't imply “better”, just a stage of movement to a direction), the people I hold dear would scatter away. But I can see that whoever I become, there will always be someone to agree with me and get into the car with me – lol, such a good metaphor – and that me holding onto people is an act of fear and not one of practicality. Of course this doesn't mean that I will lose the people around me, but I am not even giving them a chance to face that decision.

In a way I am living within and as a compromise: I see that to change my living would be impractical in terms of coping, and so I adapt to my circumstances. I adapt myself because I fear there would be no one left if I didn't.

What I mean by this in practice is that even though I am currently very busy with my studies and work, I am also spending plenty of time on recreation and procrastinating (not that they're the same thing). I realize that recreational time is important for me because through it I give myself freedom to create and express in ways that do not fit within my work schemes, and through recreation I also give myself time to rest and recover from any possible stress my body and mind have undergone. But not all of my “free time” is used in this manner. Sometimes I simply avoid doing anything of relevance because I have driven myself into mental exhaustion, and I justify this with the need to “rest” without asking why the fatigue is there in the first place and whether it could have been avoided. There's also a guilt aspect to this, where I accuse myself of having “indulged” in recreation, even though when I honestly look at my doings I know that this is not the case. I have taken care of my responsibilities – except for this commitment to participate with Desteni.

It might also be that I am simply trying to carry too much, that I am only starting to recognize my own limits. Maybe I am way too occupied at the moment to add on any more responsibility without turning it into a stressful compromise of a life. I know that my studies will be over in a couple of months, and that I will then be able to for a while focus on other tasks. I know that stressing about it will only make it worse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not living up to my commitment to participate in Desteni.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to take on responsibility as a part of the Desteni group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to update my Journey To Life blog because I have defined upholding the blog to mean that I am “doing OK”, that I am active and willful, that I am consistently walking my process towards becoming a competent human being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have already failed at upholding the blog, if not a year ago when I broke my writing rhythm for the first time, then at least this winter when I failed to write even once a week.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I have failed my process by not writing a blog post every day, not realizing that I have in fact been walking my process in practice and in private writings, if not every day of the week, then at least more than half of the days, and that I have not failed my process but simply failed the task of reporting about it to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fail the commitment to report about my process to other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear failing to walk my process because I perceive and believe that I will then fail at life and as a living human being, not realizing that “failure” and “success” are simply different outcomes of different choices and actions, and that I have just decided to charge some with positive meanings and others with negative meanings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when I die there will be someone/something to measure how “well” I have lived my life and that I would then feel shame / pride according to the result – not realizing that shame and pride have to do with this world and this reality and how things work in this dimension of existence, assuming that life after death will be as it is here when and as the human mind dictates how life is experienced, not realizing that life after death could be ANYTHING unimaginable – and that to fear possible feelings of shame by judgement – which can be breathed through and released, as they can be in this reality - is thus to focus on the irrelevant: if I cannot know something for sure and prepare myself for it, why stress about it at all?

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that there is an authority who decides whether my life has been “good” or “bad”, not realizing that it is ultimately up to me to decide and carry responsibility for my decision.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to secretly wish for there to be an authority to decide upon the “preferable” and the “unpreferable” so that I wouldn't have to look for the truth myself and make a stand as myself, not as a vessel of God/universe/whichever authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to participate in Desteni so that I could feel better about myself, as if I was then “saved” from The Judgement, and not from the starting point of wanting to work for this world as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in Desteni from the starting point of self-interest and fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that to really contribute to the Desteni group and not only slow it down, my starting point needs to be selfless, as it needs to be in whatever I do with other people for all of the world.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that selflessness doesn't mean that I'm excluded from everything else, but that the concept of “self” disappears in favor of All.

I commit myself to map out and revise the ways I use my time.

I commit myself to focus on my main responsibilities – studying (to establish a position for myself in the world system / to educate myself), working (to sustain my living / to apply what I've studied into practice), and civil society participation (to rehearse working with people / to create networks and relations) – and to thus give them my full focus and energy, only taking into consideration other possible responsibilities when/as/if I have time left over from my current main responsibilities.

I commit myself to regularly revise my responsibilities to see if some need to be let go and replaced with others.

I commit myself to take into consideration the fact that my capacity is in fact limited even though it can be expanded to some extent, and that I cannot take on too much responsibility without the quality of my input decreasing.

I commit myself to build my life to be enjoyable, constructive and fulfilling in a way where I give to Life more than I take from it.

Days 345-346: "Doing nothing" and heaviness - SF on day 344

3110-02112013

This post is a continuation to my previous post.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to direct myself in each and every breath of my living by escaping the feeling of heaviness I have created through self-judgement into activities that amount to nothing in this reality that is shared by all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when these moments of curling up into a comfortable, solitary spot to do something with no substance or relevance occur, I am not directing myself within and as the principle of “what is best for all” but that I am instead directed by the desires I have created within and as self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-interest doesn't actually bring about what is best for me because it doesn't consider what is best for all, which is directly tied to what is best for me as an individual.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the word “self-interest” means self-care, not realizing that when my focus (interest) is solely on myself I am not considering myself as a part of a whole but rather perceiving myself to BE the whole, and that when I do not consider myself as the particle of reality that I really am, I am not taking care of myself in the best possible way but neglecting some (possibly important) perspectives on how to care for my well-being by considering the entire reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for a release from the experience of heaviness - I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to “do nothing” to compensate for “doing everything”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself the feeling of “doing everything” (being burdened) by judging myself to be “not good enough” - doing too little too slowly and too poorly – never doing “enough” and feeling like I'd have to do “everything” to be “good enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot do everything because it is physically impossible, and that my standard of reaching all of my goals is unrealistic and thus not supportive at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself goals that are unsupportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not utilize planning and setting goals as a structure to motivate me and support me to finish difficult long-term tasks, but that I have instead used planning and goals as a measurement of my own worth, mainly to tell myself how “little” I am now and how “much” I could be in the future, not realizing that even though the purpose of this method has also been to motivate me to act, the source of motivation in this method is fear (“what I am now is bad – I must become something better to avoid consequences”) instead of motivation coming from the realization of who and what I am and what it is I am capable of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use self-judgement to motivate myself to become “better”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that self-judgement is necessary for me to learn from my mistakes – that I must show some kind of “regret” for my mistakes and diminish myself in order to make it clear that I understand that I made a mistake and that I will not do the same mistake again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that expressing remorse through self-diminishment is necessary so that others would not get angry at me.

• The memory of me around 4-5 years old dropping eggshells into batter and my mother reacting with sharp and loud words that told me I had made a mistake – mom exerting her emotions on me - I was frightened by her attack on me – felt horrible emotionally, started crying and ran away.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become overwhelmed by my responsibilities and thus make it feel as if I am “doing everything”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is impossible for me to do “more” than what I am capable of, and that whatever I do I am in fact able to do – meaning that when I do things that make me feel heavy I am not in fact doing “too much” but acting through resistance and making possible tasks feel impossible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my responsibilities because I have made them feel “heavy” through self-judgement: I perceive myself to be a failure already so I don't even want to try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think, believe and perceive that when something feels heavy and difficult, “I can't do it”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when a task feels big and heavy, I am small and unable in comparison and “incapable” of getting the task done – not realizing that starting, working on and completing a task is a matter of breath-to-breath movements, which I am capable of assisting and supporting myself to carry out when and as I am standing within and as breath grounded in the physical.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that writing my blog is “too much”, not realizing that in all simplicity all it requires is that I arrange a comfortable environment for writing, open a blank text file and start putting down words one letter at a time about what I am experiencing at the very moment.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my writing by setting myself a standard according to which just writing about my current experience is “not good enough” but that I would need to come to fundamental realization about myself every single day – not realizing that sometimes I get so “stuck” that it is required for me to write through the daily grind before seeing the “big picture” of what is going on with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that reading my school books is “too much”, not realizing that studying these books, no matter how many, is simply a matter of arranging myself a comfortable reading spot, having the book and pen and paper with me, getting the basic outlines of the book through the introduction and the index, and then simply reading one word at a time, one sentence at a time, one paragraph at a time, and making notes as I go.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my studying by setting myself a standard according to which I'd need to read a lot of pages at once and get the task done as soon as possible because of the amount of reading I need to do, thus not even trying when I'd only have a little time to read or when I believe and perceive myself to be “too tired” to absorb the information.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that taking care of housework is “too much”, not realizing that all these tasks are really simple (washing the dishes, watering the plants, taking the trash, cleaning the floors) and only require me to move myself one inch at a time, no matter how slowly and gradually.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage myself taking care of my household work by believing and perceiving that “I'm too tired to get on my feet”, thus never even trying to stand up, breathe myself into stability and move myself one inch at a time to gradually get the chores done.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself to have “failed” in the discussion from the previous day, carrying this self-judgement with me unaddressed until the next day and thus accumulating the experience of being a “failure”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel like the discussion was a “failure” because some points were left unresolved, not realizing that because there is/was a chance of still resolving those points and thus correcting my behavior, no such thing as “failure” has (yet) happened and can still be fully avoided.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that not all points can be fully resolved within a single discussion and that processing a point may take time and several discussions before a conclusion is reached.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry full responsibility for a discussion that happened between two participants and feel guilty for “not making it work”, not realizing that I am not responsible for how the other person behaved within the situation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear disappointing my employers by making a mistake and thus appearing “unworthy” of their trust and appreciation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about “failing” at work every time I do something that I know to include a chance of “something going wrong” - not realizing that basically any action I commit at my work place (even just walking from point A to point B!) includes the possibility of some damage happening to my work place (I could carelessly tip over a chair which could break when hitting the floor) – and that because the possibility of something getting damaged is always present whenever I am at my work place it is not relevant to be mindful of the “dangers” because my employers have taken a conscious risk there by opening a business that includes other people using your property unsupervised.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that some of the risks of “things going wrong” are such that I could easily prevent, for example by taking the cash register key with me when I go get stuff from the storage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stress about not being nice enough to the customers and causing them to not want to come to the bar again, not realizing that in order to make people feel actually welcome I need to be myself unsuppressed with any and all customers instead of wearing a polite “nice persona” out of fear of myself not being “good enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by suppressing myself at work I build the bar into a place of self-suppression, making customers feel tense and unwelcome, whereas by not suppressing myself and by expressing myself unlimited I build the bar into a place of self-integrity, self-honesty and real human interaction, which might alienate some but work in everyone's favour in the long run.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to wear a “nice personality” at work because of how I have experienced the feedback of one of my employers, not realizing that I don't need to wear a mask to be kind, considerate and friendly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for making mistakes at work, not realizing that self-judgement (“I am so stupid”) works as a defense mechanism to not take in the feedback and actually consider how I could improve in my job, because here I use self-judgement to distance myself from who I was when making the mistake (myself) by creating a character out of who I was when making the mistake (“stupid”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that making mistakes is unavoidable, and that when and as I make mistakes I will best “redeem” myself by stopping to consider who I was when making the mistake, forgiving myself for the mistake and reconstructing myself so that I will not repeat the same mistake again (but instead make new kinds of mistakes, lol).

When and as I receive feedback at work about something I could improve on, I commit myself to stop, breathe and consider who I was when making the mistake. I consider the reasons for why I should change my behavior and make sure I see why it is necessary I change. I then forgive myself for the mistake and, if necessary, build a mind pattern that will remind me to change my behavioral patterns when and as the action is at hand.

I commit myself to investigate the characters, personalities and masks I carry with me at work and to release them in writing, self-forgiveness and breathing.

When and as I think I have made a “mistake” or “failed”, I commit myself to look at how the situation could be corrected instead of reveling in self-judgement as I see, realize and understand that self-judgement doesn't contribute to finding a solution in any way whatsoever.

When and as I feel like “doing nothing” - I stop, I breathe and I ask myself why I feel like “doing nothing” and what it is I should be doing but resist instead. I check myself for the feeling of heaviness / being burdened, and if the experience of heaviness is here, I realize that have accumulated it through some kind of self-abuse. I check my recent past (last 48 hours) for self-judgement or other kinds of self-abuse and self-neglect. Instead of “doing nothing” and escaping the heaviness I have created, I deal with the origin of the heaviness in whatever ways I can – breathing, resting, speaking, writing, discussing – and release the points I come across in self-forgiveness.

When and as a task feels like it's “too much” - I stop, I breathe and I realize that by making something seem “too much” I make myself appear “too little” in comparison. I realize that this is not in fact true and that through practice, patience and consistency any task is possible for me to undertake: any task is one with and equal to me. I breathe and I stabilize myself, and I look at the task at hand to map out the steps that lead to its completion. I evaluate the amount of time and work required for each step and according to this self-honest assessment of reality I make a plan on how to get the task done. I then proceed onto the “first step” and give it my full focus without worrying about the next stages of the task.

Day 274: Overeating

12072013

While traveling I have often fallen to eating too much. Sometimes it happens because I am bored and find nothing else to entertain myself with, and sometimes I think ahead and try to make sure I don't get hungry in the future, in case there is a situation where I will be unable to obtain food. A couple of days ago this habit of constantly being full and straining my digestion system led to me getting sick. I have been unable to eat because my intestines are too worn out to process food so nothing stays in. This has forced me to spend my time mostly fasting, which I am grateful of, because I have known and seen that I am doing damage onto myself but have not known how to say no to food when it's so plentifully offered everywhere.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to my body when choosing how, what and when to eat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as eating is primarily a physical function, what I need to listen to while eating is my physical body, not my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to eat to satisfy my mind instead of eating to satisfy my body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to entertain myself with eating when I am bored.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use food as a way to escape the reality that is here – the reality that to me seems “boring” - without stopping to ask myself why it is that I see no other way to direct that moment of boredom; why is it that I use food as an escape and what am I escaping from.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to eat the food I am offered as I fear that the other will be offended if I do not eat the food – not realizing that the whims of others should not be my primary concern when choosing how, what and when to eat but my physical body which carries all the actual consequences of eating.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel obligated to empty my plate even if there is too much food on it because as a child I have been taught that “I should not leave food on my plate” – not realizing that I have not considered why I have been taught such a rule nor have I asked myself why I should continue living according to such a rule if it compromises the well-being of my physical body.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not finishing my food because I fear that I will offend the person who made the food.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not finishing my food because I fear that others will judge me for wasting food as a valuable resource.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I have no say over the size of the portion of food I am not responsible for finishing it, although I am responsible to find other solutions to the situation (i.e. giving the rest of the food to someone else; advising the one who gave the food to give out smaller portions).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is possible to “eat for the future” - that it is possible for me to avoid future hunger by eating now even though I am not hungry – not realizing that this is not physically possible without me damaging myself as when I eat when I am not hungry I am acting against the needs of my physical body by stuffing myself with “fuel” even though my “tank” is full.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not respect hunger as a sign of a physical need but to fear hunger as a sign of possible suffering.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I will go hungry and not have food to satisfy this need because I fear the experience of hunger and resent the discomfort it causes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the experience of hunger and try to run from it by keeping myself fully fed as often as possible.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with panic to the physical sensation of hunger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace the sensation of hunger as a sign that my body is functioning as it should.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hunger is a sign of a healthy body communicating its needs and NOT something I need to be afraid of as I live in such a fortunate position where I will (most likely) always be able to obtain some kind of food to survive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I will not die of hunger in a few hours and that temporary hunger is thus no reason to panic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are other solutions to future hunger than stuffing myself with food beforehand, such as carrying food with me to eat when I do in fact get hungry.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel tempted to eat the food I carry with me for future hunger even if I do not get hungry, feeling that I “should” eat the food now that it's there for me already, not realizing that if I simply do not get hungry I can just as well save it for later or give it away.

When and as I feel like eating – I stop, I breathe and I return my focus to my body. I ask myself whether I am actually in the need of food. If I am, I proceed to eating. If I am not actually in the need of food and still feel like eating, I ask myself what need I am trying to fulfill with eating. I stabilize myself within breath as one with my body and move myself out of the mental desire to eat by directing myself to do something else instead. If I fail to do so, I open the point further in writing.

When and as I am offered food – I stop, I breathe and I do not respond. I realize that my response is usually an automatic “yes” that does not consider my physical existence but only seeks to satisfy my mind. I stabilize myself in breath and I move my focus to my physical body. I ask myself whether I am actually in the need of food (and especially the kind of food that is being offered). If I am, I accept the food that is offered. If I am not actually in the need of food I decline the food that is offered, and in order to avoid any misunderstandings I communicate the reason for my refusal.

When and as I eat – I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that when I am not here as one with my body when eating, I do not listen to my body and tend to eat too much. I slow myself down with breathing and move my focus onto the act of eating ONLY. I keep my focus on the food as it goes down to my stomach and remain aware of the sensations of my stomach. I pause eating after each mouthful to listen to my body and to give my body time to adjust to the food it has received. When and as my body tells me it has had enough food I stop eating. If there is food left, I consider the options available for utilizing the food (i.e. giving away, saving for later). I choose the option that I assess to be the best for all.

I commit myself to utilize the self-corrective statements above in my everyday life starting NOW and if I run into any trouble while doing so I commit myself to write about whatever points I face.

I commit myself to trust myself to carry myself through hunger with stability in breathing and to show myself there is nothing to fear, nothing to escape, nothing to run from.