Day 245: Developing dependency

29052013

I have been meeting a lot of people during my first 2,5 weeks of traveling, and I am starting to realize that each one I meet and react to is bringing me their own kind of a lesson. I have been dealing with one major point lately that was brought up in the company of one person, and now I am facing a new one brought to surface by another person in my current environment.

With this person I have enjoyed myself a lot in conversation and verbal expression, which has been fun in itself. However, I have also noticed that I have created a desire to be in the company of this person because of how I accept and allow myself to be within our interaction (active, fearless, open). I also find myself needy of his attention because I suddenly feel like I am a very interesting person and want that energy boost over and over again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire to be in the company of another being because I fear losing the qualities he “brings out” in me (the qualities I accept and allow myself to live as in his presence).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by this desire into compromising myself and my actions as I make my way into his company despite my actual plans and wait for him to create the experience I desire for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not make plans “just in case” there would be a chance to join in with this person's plans.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become passive by waiting for another to bring me the experience of activeness, openness, fearlessness and self-worth, not realizing that originally I was the one who accepted and allowed myself to experience this and live as these qualities in the first place, and that he was not the cause of my experience even though he functioned as a trigger.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for living out change as I have accepted and allowed myself to shed some of my fears and limitations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire another to give me attention so that I could experience myself to be “interesting” (worthwhile), not realizing that here I make my sense of self dependent on another by only giving myself attention through others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget my own existence when I am not in the presence of people who would show interest towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect myself by not giving myself “attention” (being self-aware within and as breath) in any and all circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a habit to forget myself with a lifetime of not breathing and not being self-aware.

I commit myself to explore myself in the presence of this person and to embrace any and all points that may surface within and as the realization that I am the creator of my experience.

I commit myself to return myself to breath whenever I notice myself falling out of breath as I see, realize and understand that when I do not breathe I am not actually here one with an equal to my physical existence – the only level of existence that is certainly HERE.

I commit myself to make sure I do not compromise myself, my actions and my living because of another person by checking my starting point for every action and inaction I live out.