Day 397: Compiling secret spite

01042014

A couple of days ago I faced harsh and direct judgement to which I reacted to quite strongly. I took the message personally and felt really bothered by it with an awful feeling in my gut. The message I received pointed out a mistake I had made, but it did so with a tone that I responded to with a negative reaction, and so I missed out on receiving the valid feedback and only focused on the element of judgement.

Now, a couple days later, the situation came to a culmination point. Because of my reaction of taking the judgmental tone of another personally, I had made decisions to act upon my self-judgement and in a way punished myself for being judged – not for the mistake itself, but for the fact that somebody wasn't pleased with me! So in a way I was trying to redeem for my mistakes, but not the ones I had actually made. I perceived my fault to have been the fact that I was so “bad” that another had judged me, and again ignored what I could have originally done better.

So these actions of mine were noticed and responded to with common sense, which is when I realized I had been wrong all along. I was acting just like my father has in similar situations: compiling secret spite under actions of self-punishment. And with the same people, even! I realized that in this situation I was the spitting image of my father, with every tone, posture, gesture and word, and having seen the consequences of my father's actions on himself I will not accept and allow myself to follow in these footsteps.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X's tone of voice and choice of words as I have learned to fear aggression as a child.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that aggression directed towards me is valid and always my fault.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to submit to aggression without questioning the validity of the aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the message under the aggression as my focus has been on the way the message has been delivered.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see past my fear reaction to aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to aggression by shrinking and withdrawing instead of standing up and breathing myself open.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when facing aggression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear X as an authority.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear receiving feedback from X – be it delivered with any tone, aggression or not – as I have known her feedback to be (mostly) valid and direct and thus feared facing conflict within myself, forgetting that conflict is an opportunity to change and develop myself for the better.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to measure my worth according to how much/little feedback I receive from X, wanting to be “ready” so that she would have nothing to criticize.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my relationship to X has been created on a basis of imbalanced power relations – when I was a child and she was my mentor – and that for this relationship to work now that we're both adults equal in power I need to change my stance towards her from fearful to fearless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that these complications in my relationship to X are not surprising at all, as we have started off in an unequal relationship, and that now that I can see the cause of the complications the dynamics of this relationship can in fact be changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see the feedback behind X's aggressive message as I have not wanted to admit to having done something “wrong” (not as well as possible).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the opportunity to learn from the feedback by not looking at what was said and instead secretly blaming X for being “inconsiderate”, “irrational” and “hysteric”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and appear as if I was redeeming for my mistakes by acting upon self-punishment, not realizing that I was doing this just to appear submissive while I was secretly compiling spite towards X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I “shouldn't” be making mistakes now that I am no longer a child within my relationship to X, not realizing that people of all ages make mistakes as mistakes are an inevitable part of learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to see and embrace the mistakes I make around X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making mistakes around X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my father reacts and responds to X in the exact same way as I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by mirroring my relationship with X to my fathers relationship with X I can easily see what mistakes I have made.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live as the spitting image of my father, not realizing that as I do so I also repeat the same mistakes he has made and end up suffering the same consequences.

I commit myself to focus on moving from fearfulness to fearlessness in practical application within my relationship to X.

I commit myself to accept and allow myself to make mistakes around X and to receive feedback for them.

I commit myself to support and assist myself with breathing when and as I react to aggression with fear.

Day 389: A "good student" dilemma - part 2: self-forgiveness

22022014

Are guidelines like this actually used somewhere?

This post is a continuation to:

Day 388: Feeling like a loser - a "good student" dilemma

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get disappointed in myself when I didn't get a “good grade”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect myself to get a “good grade” because I associated the way I had worked for the assignment (long hours, lots of work, enthusiasm, self-expansion) with situations where I have previously done the same in school and almost always been “rewarded” for it with a “good grade”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that basic schooling and university are different by principle (public vs. private interest), and that I cannot thus expect the same kind of approach on pedagogy and learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect university to be “fair” as I experienced my basic schooling (primary & high school), not realizing that even though basic schooling seemed “fair” and “rewarding” to me, it certainly wasn't that for everyone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that during my basic schooling I was one of the few privileged kids who had the skills and assets the school system seeks and rewards, and that the fact that I was well-off didn't mean that I worked hard and the others were simply lazy: it was often the exact opposite.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that all throughout my life I have been blind to the discriminating nature of the school system because I was one of those who got rewarded within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get angry at “the world” when I didn't get a “good grade”, as I had expected myself to get one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand that “the world” gives me “good grades”, as if it owes me recognition, as I have in school learned that hard work will be rewarded externally through praise and that I do not need to show myself acceptance – or that self-acceptance is not “enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within the school system I have learned to be reliant on external validation, as I got addicted to the “feelgood” (elevation, pride, high status, acceptance, ego) I got whenever I was rewarded with praise or “good grades”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though the school system itself is partially responsible for abusing young people, I am responsible for unlearning this addiction because nobody else can do it for me; I may have learned it while I was an incapable child, but I've continued to reinforce it during my adult years.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I demand “the world” to give me recognition, it's as if I'm demanding for my “fix”: “I've earned my heroin, give it to me goddammit!”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “good grades” as those above a specified average (for example: above 8 on the scale 4-10; above 3 on the scale 0-5), as this is how the school system has defined the division between “good”, “average” and “bad”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that a “good grade” means that I have done well and that I am somehow exceptional, not realizing that the measures of “goodness” in school are arbitrary and have nothing to do with the value of the person in question, but are in fact there just to pinpoint and select certain kinds of individuals for specific tasks, jobs and career paths in the society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that the evaluation system in university works like the evaluation system I had during my basic schooling, not realizing that whereas basic education is based on the principle of supporting individual growth through encouragement (with the exception of individual teachers), university is based on producing uniform professionals through strict assessment (with the exception of individual teachers).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect support and encouragement from university evaluation as this is what I have gotten used to during my basic schooling, not realizing that this expectation is unrealistic as the world of university is at the moment not about learning for the sake of learning but learning for the sake of winning – learning for self instead of learning for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect anyone at university to give a rat's ass about my individual experience of growth, not realizing that apart from the faculty of education this expectation is in fact unrealistic.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my teacher for wording the assignment unclearly, not realizing that I am responsible for assuming that I understood the assignment, and that in the “game of university” I need to read the assignments like the “devil reads the bible” and ask dumbed-down questions until nothing about the assignment remains unclear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to channel my frustration for “the world” towards my teacher in aggressive thoughts and words, accusations and belittling.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent the feedback I have received at university, not realizing that by resenting it I incapacitate myself from learning anything from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that once I stop taking the university feedback personally – reacting with anger, resentment, irritation, frustration / excitement, pride, joy, glee – I can actually learn the rules of “the game” from it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accumulate my self-disappointment (“I failed” = “I suck at studying”) to a point where I lose all motivation to do my studies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up on studying the instant when the external feedback doesn't validate my personal experience (enjoyment in studying).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to belittle my personal experience of enjoying studying when I didn't get rewarded for it, thinking “what's it worth when it gets me nothing”, thus ignoring the self-expansion that happens when I study.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget that studying itself is not about the credentials I get from it but about self-expansion – learning and growing – and that even though the credentials may be important in “the game of life”, they lose their importance the second when this imaginary world construct collapses, thus leaving only personal assets practically valuable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I won't “make it” in the “game of life”, thus reacting whenever my grades aren't as good as I expect them to be as I see them as a gateway to success in “the game”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose my sight of the “big picture” - studying for self-expansion and for life, and playing “the game” on the side if possible – thus losing my motivation for studying when my short-term goals aren't met.

When and as I feel resentment towards my studies, wanting to escape them into some other activities – I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that in order to expand I am going to have to walk through my discomfort zone. I remind myself that I am studying for LIFE – for understanding of what the world is, how it works and how life could be improved for all – and I support myself to look for what there is to learn for me in the study assignment at hand. I focus on what I find interesting and what there is to learn and thus make working on the assignment enjoyable for myself. I commit myself to support and assist myself by breathing through the moments of discomfort, moving myself one step at a time.

I commit myself to teach myself to focus on learning instead of focusing on grades.

When and as I feel good after completing a study assignment, I commit myself to stop, breathe and look for any signs of expecting to get a “good grade”. I examine myself within the moment and utilize self-forgiveness to let go expectations, assumptions and definitions relating to the “good student” persona. I remind myself that the completion of a task is enjoyable in itself as it brings me satisfaction as a creator and expansion through application.

I commit myself to teach myself to stop taking grades (and other evaluation) personally, be it in a positive or a negative sense, “fair” or “unfair”.

Days 360-361: Fear of parents - a teacher dilemma

2911&01122013

Neither approach really works - and might not even really exist.

I commit myself to explore performing situations from the perspective of allowing others to witness my learning process through whatever mistakes and misgivings I manifest.

I commit myself to continue mapping out who I believe and perceive I should be and how I apply myself according to this belief/perception, and to thus investigate what is causing me to feel burdened, resulting in the pain/friction in my shoulders.

(From Day 358: SF on "Who I should be")

I return to the commitment statements above in the light of recent events. We had a little theatre show for the friends and family of the participants of the children's theatre course I am directing, and I had to talk to the audience, direct the situation and present myself as the director (“the one who carries main responsibility”). I was nervous and burdened by this, and it was visible in me as a general restlessness, seriousness and stabs of pain in my shoulders. I spoke to the audience from within the nervousness, but thanks to what I had written before I didn't take it as a self-judgement point, but realized that if nervousness is who I am right now, why not let others see that. I am young, inexperienced and new to many things, and I have in no way claimed to be a master at what I am doing, so exposing myself within my process of growing into a “professional” serves me better than attempting to hide it when it can't really be completely hidden anyway.

So the main points here are 1) my relationship to performing / being visible / gathering attention and 2) who I believe and perceive I “should be” as the director of this course.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel nervous about performing in front of an audience because I was afraid I would not fulfill the expectations the audience (the parents – authorities/”owners” - of the course participants) and that my incompetence would be exposed.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe that the parents of the child “own” the child and thus have the right to dictate what the child is exposed to and how the child is educated, not realizing that this perception is extremely shortsighted as within it I accept and allow and excuse parents to raise their children as it pleases them even if the results would be destructive to the reality as a whole, simply because I am afraid to face the reaction of the parents when I question this paradigm of parenting and education.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider children as the future creators of our common world, not realizing that even if a child is raised shut out from the world according to what the educator believes and perceives the world to be, the child will still affect all of our shared reality as what is real is undeniably HERE no matter how much one would try to protect another from it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play along with the parents' fear of their children becoming messed up by “apologizing” for my position as a person of influence in their children's lives. (This point needs elaboration.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if the parents actually do have expectations towards me that I do not fulfill as who I am now – which I cannot know as this subject has not been discussed with the parents – it is not my responsibility if they react to their world not being what they wanted it to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not being what I believe and perceive others to want their world to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my belief/perception of “what parents want” out of the adults who direct their children is based on the assumption that parents are possessive of their children and afraid of the world “screwing them up” - because if I had children right now, this is who I would be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that with this assumption that parents are authoritative, possessive and protective I support parents to live this way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my assumption of parents being authoritative, possessive and protective is visible in my actions as I am afraid of interacting with children as who I am but instead try to be who I believe and perceive I am expected to be (a “good educator”), thus not interacting with children relaxed, breathing and present but instead interacting through tension, fear and from a distance – thus allowing my fear of failure / fear of judgement flow directly to the children and through them into the world.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “director” to mean “the one who carries responsibility above everyone else”, within this charging the role of the director with expectations and assigning a single person work and responsibilities that should not and don't have to be carried by just one person but can in fact be shared among many individuals and some even by the group under directing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if the course “fails”, I am to blame, not realizing that there are numerous factors contributing to the outcome of the course, not just myself, and that I cannot thus pass all the responsibility of the outcome on myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the course will be a “failure”, with this meaning that the kids will not learn anything / “enough” and that the kids will not enjoy the course, this resulting in the parents thinking it was a waste of their money, my seniors thinking I am not suited for this work and the children perceiving me as a failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the kids will not learn “enough”, with this meaning enough to proceed into actual theatre projects and/or enough to understand what being an expressive human being is about – not realizing that especially the latter is quite the humongous goal to be achieved in just 9 months even if I'd meet them every single day.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to “save” these children from the influence of the world, not realizing that I cannot save anyone as everyone ultimately makes their own choices.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to “save” others standing within and as the statement “don't be like that because you're ruining my world for me” - don't be a mess because life would be a lot more enjoyable (for me) if everyone got their shit together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust that the kids will learn something of value during this year as I have not realized that a human being's learning process is always running and cannot be switched off, but that what they learn might not be what I want them to learn but what I show them through my own living and application.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for not being “ready” for teaching children and thus only teaching them my patterns of nervousness, not realizing that I am also showing them (indirectly through my application) my struggle and learning process with my misgivings, thus giving an example in self-correction, self-attention, self-forgiveness, self-responsibility and self-care. *

* Realizing this just now brought me to tears, because I don't really give myself any credit for the process I have already walked, but only blame myself for all the things that are yet unresolved. I've sometimes gotten feedback from others that they would love to have me teaching their children, or that they would have loved to have a teacher like me when they were children themselves, but I have never really understood why people say that and what on earth they see in me, and I have shoved this feedback aside by thinking that “I'm a fraud, they don't know that I really just suck as a person”. But I guess that admitting to being imperfect is a commendable quality in itself, as well as actively doing something about it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that the kids will not enjoy the course, not realizing that they have shown no signs of such, quite the opposite: almost everyone attends each and every meeting and participates in every rehearsal we do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to read the signs of dissatisfaction that the kids do express and to act accordingly by addressing the issue and mapping out possible solutions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make it a point of self-judgement when/as/if a child expresses dissatisfaction during the course, not realizing that the dissatisfaction a child expresses is nothing personal towards me even though I am the one who has designed the activities but rather disdain towards the activity – a point I can then assist and support the child with.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that as no set of rehearsals can function perfectly for a large group of individuals, it is close to impossible to reach everyone's most potent learning zone with the same structure, and that in order for me to teach a group of this size within the time limit I have got, I need to adjust, re-evaluate and re-design my rehearsal structures according to the circumstances as I go: every meeting needs to be thought again.

I commit myself to focus on relaxing myself when I am directing the children by focusing on my breath.

I commit myself to investigate what I'm trying to hide from the children when and as I interact with them, for example by looking at what I avoid.

I commit myself to further investigate my fear of the children's parents.

I commit myself to map out the responsibilities I believe and perceive myself to have as the course director and to share what I can to others and let go of those that are imaginary.

I commit myself to design the course by mapping out through listening and communication where the children are standing, structuring the course on my basic principles but keeping in mind that process is a lifelong journey that might not show immense results in just a few months.

I commit myself to reserve myself an hour for reflection after the course meetings and an hour for planning before the next meeting.

Day 322: The omniscient leader

24092013

A piece of a graffiti mural in Melbourne.

Today I had a really cool session with the children in my theatre course. With “cool” I don't mean that everything went perfectly, but that I learned overflowingly much from it; a shitload of new aspects of where these children stand, what I can teach them and ideas on how to do it emerged. The whole meeting began with things not going as I had planned at all, and showing myself that I can manage an unplanned situation with 15 kids was really, really necessary. I'm starting to grow trust in myself.

Another thing with today's meeting was that I realized that a learning process comes with confusion. Immediately afterwards I was anxious for a while because I was feeling uncertain about the session, questioning myself, fearful that I had “failed”, paranoid even. When I stopped to go through what had actually happened – which I need to do really slowly, because an hour-and-a-half session is like a fireworks of new points, lessons to be learned flying at me like a flurry of bullets – I realized that I was uncertain because compared to our earlier meetings this one wasn't “as good” - it wasn't as clear, as exemplary, as structured – and this made me anxious because I hadn't met my standards. I then realized that compared to the previous sessions I had actually learned much more today. To quote what I wrote after the session:

“But that's the thing with teaching: the group makes the course. I can't teach a group what they resist – I can teach them what they're willing to take in. I cannot know in advance what this course will be. I have to allow myself confusion, lessons like this when things don't go like I planned, because that's when new points are revealed, new conflicts arise – new lessons to be learned expose themselves.”

It's just a matter of me probing around to see what the group would be ready to learn, what kind of a challenge would be right for them. OH MAN, I am so so SO enjoying this whole thing. Kids are awesome company!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated at myself for being confused, not seeing, realizing and understanding that confusion is a part of the process of learning.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define “confusion” / “not knowing what to do” as “failure” when in a position of “leadership”, believing and perceiving that a “leader” should always know the best solution / the right answer because as a child I didn't know how this world works and trusted authority figures to know what to do, thus perceiving them to be omniscient, all-knowing, and not capable of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself an impossible standard of “never failing” when in a position of “leadership” - never showing my “weaknesses” - not realizing that it is human to make mistakes because none of us can ever learn every single thing there is to know about this life; the human capacity is limited to one body, one brain and one lifetime.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is actually good to show children that I, too, make mistakes, don't always know what to do, get confused and make the wrong choices, because this will teach them that authorities are not all-knowing or all-capable but are in fact just PEOPLE one with and equal to the children themselves, and that they are “authorities” simply because they have happened to be born a bit earlier.

I commit myself to continue exploring teaching, leadership and directing with this group of children. (Man, am I glad to have an opportunity like this!)

I commit myself to prepare the sessions a day or two before, keeping in mind the requirements of the space we rehearse in and the rehearsals that we do.

I commit myself to after each session during the same day to go through what happened – with someone if possible, to provide feedback and perspective – and to plan the next session according to what worked out and what didn't.

Day 316: Loss of direction

16092013

A video log for a change because of a writing block.

Thus,

I commit myself to slow down with studying within and as the realization that it is more effective to study a book properly once than improperly for three times.

When and as I feel confused with the material I study, I stop, I breathe and I slow myself down in breath. I remind myself that all of the information in this world is somehow linked to reality, and that all of it can thus be connected to the "big picture". I return to the beginning of the section of the material that I did not understand, and within and as breath I read one word at a time, slowing down and stopping to ensure that I understand each word that I read. If this does not help, I take a physical break from studying (i.e. stretching, walking, dancing, singing etc), make sure I have had enough water and not too much / too little food and reassess and realign my physical study position. If the topic still doesn't open up, I investigate it outside of the material I'm reading (book, article, lecture notes) to see if an "outside perspective" would assist me in developing understanding.

I commit myself to investigate for ways to be an active participant of the university community.

Day 258: Passion is not magic

17062013

Recently I have been thinking about passion. I have been accepted to university to study a subject I am not passionate about in the same way I have been passionate about other things so far, and this lack of “fire in my soul” makes me question the whole concept of motivation and what has been driving me forward so far.

In the past few years as I have been mainly working and having arts as a hobby, trying to get into art schools but never succeeding. I have met a lot of people in my working environments that have either told me or shown me they have a passion for nothing, and many of them have told me (with a tone I have interpreted to be sadness, bitterness and/or powerlessness) that I am lucky to be passionate about something. I have usually been unable to reply to such words, because all I have seen are people who are unwilling to find their passion. Recently I have come to realize that these people alone cannot be blamed for their lack of motivation for anything but survival and escapism, because the society itself determinedly passivates people from the moment of birth onwards and offers no assistance to overcome this.

Yet I have to question the whole concept of passion. When I am doing something that I have “a passion” for, I usually work with intense focus, I learn fast and I forget all else – I exist for that moment of action, whatever it may be, and I forget to eat, drink, rest – and I usually do not even have a need for any of this. I have experienced this with drawing, painting, making music, dance, stagework with other people, contact improvisation (including sex), baking, hiking, walking around, reading, studying, exploring my surroundings, having a conversation – a lot of things. I could basically have a passion for anything, even breathing, or eating, or drinking. I mean, if I can have a passion for moving my body aimlessly simply because I enjoy the movement, why not for anything at all?

So maybe “passion” is something to be found when you're at the core of an action, when you have a “reason” for it – which is to live, to realize your existence in this moment, in this reality. When I apply this to my motivation to study, I can see that I study because I realize my possibilities in this web of relationships we call “society” or “the world” or “the system”. I enjoy studying things that I see to have relevance. I enjoy applying the information that I absorb. I do not know how I will apply the information I am going to absorb in the future as my studies progress, because how I will apply it is dependent on what the information is – lol – so I cannot plan it, I'm going to have to create my future as I go. And that's alright.

So, yeah. In studying I am living according to my passion for learning, and I have some idea of how to specify my studies based on the fields that interest me. But this pathway didn't offer itself to me. I had to dig it up and choose it among a mass of options, all appearing just as uncertain to me. Somehow I think that the people who lack passion for things believe that this magical feeling of knowing what to do and why will just be gifted “from the above”, like enlightenment of some sorts. But this is not the case. If you have never seen a book, how would you know that you have a passion for reading? If you have never sat on a bike, how would you know you have a passion for riding a bike? How would you ever figure any of this out if you didn't explore the world, everything that there is in it, given that you have the opportunity for it?

As a child grows it integrates fast into whatever the world is shown to be, and if not given the mental tools to question this, if what one has experienced during one's childhood and adolescence is not fulfilling one might end up believing that the world is unfulfilling – when in fact it is one's experience of one's life so far that is unfulfilling and not the world itself. So people get stuck with the environments they have been born and raised in, with the activities they are familiar with, because they have not been taught to seek passion, to work for it. I was lucky enough to be gifted with a lot of opportunities to explore different activities as a child, and for this I am grateful to my family – but a lot of things I have discovered on my own as an adult, simply by grasping a point of slight interest and expanding on it through independent exploration. And these points of interest have grown into passion the more and more I have learned about them and invested myself into them.

So what I'm saying is that the belief that one ought to have a passionate feeling about something in order to act at all is a fallacy. If I'd keep on expecting a “holy spirit” to take over and direct me for myself, I would get nowhere, I would be standing still and waiting around for the rest of my life. Passion is not a heavenly wind that will magically make your life better – it is you moving yourself towards/within something you are drawn to. Passion is self-motivated action.