Day 393: Building trust in relationships

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http://www.thadguy.com

I've noticed that a person I've been getting to know lately has a tendency of turning serious when something controversial is being discussed, this possibly being a defense mechanism of sorts. Knowing a bit about this person's past I can make approximate guesses of why this is (possibly a fear of conflict / a tension in social situations when there's a risk of disagreement), but I realize that instead of guessing around and mulling it over in my mind it's more relevant for me to practically support this person to see and possibly outgrow this tendency – a process through which I might also learn to better understand this person and the human mind in general.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to X turning serious in conversation, as I have misinterpreted his seriousness to mean that he disapproves of me when in fact I have nothing to do with him reacting to his own mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret X's reactions to be “my fault” - that I am the cause of another's reactions – thus following the mind pattern of self-blame and self-belittlement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though I can reflect myself from how others react in my presence or under my influence, their reactions are still accepted and allowed by themselves and not by me under any circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that people themselves are “gatekeepers” of sorts to their own behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that carrying self-responsibility also means to not carry responsibility that is not mine, as I would be denying another a chance to learn and grow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what would best support the other person is not me reacting with possibly the exact same emotions he is experiencing (insecurity, fear of rejection, uncertainty, tension), but me creating a safe environment for discussing anything at all by remaining stable regardless of the topic.

• I commit myself to build myself into a stable support for others by walking through any reactions that occur in me within interaction and transcending them through self-forgiveness and self-correction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to X becoming serious within discussion because I have been afraid that he will choose to not like me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to be liked by X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear not being liked by X.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that human relations do not have to be based on likes and dislikes – whims and moods – but on an agreement of mutual support, which creates a foundation for building solid trust.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my fear of not being liked / desire to be liked comes from the fact that I base my relationships on moods and momentary preferences instead of building them on a common goal to support each other however we best can.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my distrust towards people (fear of being abandoned/rejected) comes from the fact that I have become used to relationships being based on moods, whims and preferences and thus anticipate the moment when I assumedly will be ditched again as I fall out of another's favour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am in fact living within a thought and behavioral pattern where, once a core relationship (one that fulfills some primary need) fails its purpose in some way, I immediately start looking for a replacement relationship (to fulfill the need) – thus always looking for salvation from outside of me without ever addressing the need itself.

• While observing myself for a few days I have noticed thoughts where I justify replacing one person with another with a selection of excuses (some valid, some not) – and then reversing it again when the second person has not fulfilled my desires. While thinking these thoughts I seem to justify having exclusive relationships, and I do it through some form of spite, as if I was blaming another for my discomfort/lack/need. Here, again, I ignore the source of the problem itself: the need that makes me restless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order to build my relationships into safe and stable places for people (myself included) to face and direct themselves in, I need to focus on (self-)forgiveness and mercy - living out an example of letting go of self-diminishment, self-rejection and self-hate.

I commit myself to investigate if and how I manifest self-hate, self-rejection and self-diminishment when I interact with other people, and I commit myself to write about these points in order to better support others as well.

I commit myself to investigate and write about the pattern to replace core relationships with others as soon as they appear to “fail” or “malfunction”.

I commit myself to investigate my primary reason for desiring close relationships by returning to the EQAFE interviews on relationships and sex.

Day 373: Claiming personal space - distracted by the social sphere

02012014

For some time now I have had my partner living with me. He lives on the other side of the globe and is now visiting me for some weeks / a couple of months. He has been living in my apartment for about 3 weeks, which has been a major challenge for me because I have lived alone for the past 4-5 years.

One challenge I have faced is finding, arranging and claiming personal space when it's needed. Because my apartment only really has one room with no doors to separate private spaces, it takes some effort to de-attach myself from the presence of the other, as I first need to identify the need for personal space, then decide to arrange it, then communicate it, and then make sure that I utilize that space effectively.

This is one of the reasons I have had trouble writing lately. I find it difficult to focus on writing in the presence of another or rather find some social activities more relevant. My partner agrees that writing is important and he is willing to give me all the space I need for doing it, but I have still found it difficult. I much rather just escape the discomfort of arranging myself a moment for writing into social activities as they are so easy and comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape the discomfort I find in writing into social activities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make writing uncomfortable for myself as I have created a threshold from the excuse “I don't know what to write about”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that “I don't now what to write about”, not realizing that it is an excuse to not write, and that I am in fact able to figure out what to write a blog post about once I sit down, bring myself to breath and start mapping out my recent experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear / anticipate the moment when I do not have a clear view on what today's blog post will be about, not realizing that the view will clarify eventually as I simply break my experience down and give myself enough time to piece it together.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be distracted by the social possibilities living with another person brings into my life, thus forgetting about and ignoring my responsibilities.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify being distracted by the social possibilities with the fact that my partner will only be here for a few weeks, not realizing that even though this is true and I should utilize my time with him as effectively as possible, by interacting with him from the starting point of escapism I build the relationship into a place of escapism / illusion instead of building it into a platform of actual support, which will have long-lasting consequences and might affect the relationship further in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the choices I make when living with my partner affect the way the relationship is constructed, and that if I give myself leeway by for example escaping my responsibilities or disregarding communication, it will have an effect on what the relationship becomes and what kind of issues/conflict/disturbance we will eventually come across.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal space to carry out my responsibilities and tasks I build the relationship to be founded on self-responsibility, self-reliance, commitment, direct communication, self-honesty and mutual support and assistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by claiming myself personal space I do not only support myself but I also support the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear claiming personal space because it requires me to ask for practical things (silence, comfortable seat, good lighting, etc.) for myself so that the other will not be able to use them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for these practicalities as I have feared that I might be asking “too much” from the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if I ask “too much” of the other, he will think less of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear my partner thinking less of me because I perceive and believe that with him there's “more to lose” than with others as the “stakes are higher”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give special value to my partner's opinion of me as I have believed and perceived that a positive opinion keeps the relationship together whereas a negative opinion will make him lose interest / motivation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that a person's opinion of another – how one experiences the other momentarily and in long-term / who one believes and perceives the other to be – is the fundamental reason for why relationships are created and held onto, not realizing that to build a partnership on feelings, images and concepts alone is unreliable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that alongside feelings and concepts relationships can also be built on principles, common goals and rational reasoning, which will provide a more solid foundation for a relationship.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust the principles our relationship is founded upon and (out of habit) be constantly afraid of “losing my standing” in the eyes of my partner, as this is what has usually been the reason for my relationships ending.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to uphold the practice of building relationships on unreliable grounds by choosing my partners according to momentary experiences and ending the relationships when my partners have no longer triggered the same experience in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my current relationship will end up the same way my previous relationships have ended up, not realizing that I have the tools to prevent such an outcome.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by trying to guess how this relationship “ends up” I am thinking in stories, simplifying lived life into images and living according to this guesswork, not realizing that future is created HERE and cannot be fully foreseen.

I digress!

I commit myself to arrange myself the time and space to write every day, taking into consideration the circumstances I do this in.

I commit myself to practice trust and self-trust by addressing topics that feel difficult with my partner.

I commit myself, when and as I need it, to ask for support from my partner e.g. in writing.

Day 372: Taking angry reactions personally

27122013

During the christmas holidays I was spending time with my family, and while we were busy cooking I noticed something interesting about my relationship towards my sister. There was a pan that I would have needed for cooking something and she had already used it for something else, to which I reacted by indirectly and jokingly blaming her for it. She reacted to my words with an angry and defensive manner, which is how she usually reacts to (unexpected / unprepared for) criticism, blame and accusations. I have usually taken her defensive reactions personally and questioned her tendency for being so aggressive, mainly because her reaction has felt threatening to me. But now as I was looking back on the situation I realized how and why she has developed the habit of violently defending herself (a history of bullying and low self-esteem). I realized that me taking her reaction personally is not really helping her at all and is just adding fuel to the fire. I see that in order for me to be of support to her and assist her in stabilizing and seeing her own tendencies I need to stop counter-reacting to her reactions and see them for what they are: remnants of a fearful past that need not be any longer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take my sister's aggression personally.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to my sister's aggression because I have perceived and believed aggressive people to be dangerous.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my sister's aggression means that she thinks less of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my sister's aggression has nothing to do with me and that her aggression is in fact her expression of who she is at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to desire for my sister's approval / acceptance, thus reacting with fear when it appears as if she does not approve / accept me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my interpretation of my sister's aggression is not in fact true.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to my sister's aggression with irritation (“she's doing it again”) and to blame her for my irritation (“she shouldn't do that”), not realizing that I create my irritation by thinking that her reaction is “wrong”, as I have not seen, realized and understood that her reaction is an outflow of who she has become, and that it is not “wrong” or “right” but simply an indicator of who she is at the moment, an outburst of the reality we live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to label “wrong” all the things in my reality that “ruin the world” for me – that do not fit the ideal image of the world that I have built in my mind – as by labeling them “wrong” I create an excuse to remove these things from the reality.

When and as my sister (or anyone) expresses aggression, I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that her reaction is an outflow of who she has become through everything that she has went through in her life. I remind myself that to be of assistance and support to her I cannot exert my own reaction onto her, but that I need to instead let go of all my reactions through self-forgiveness and breathing and become a stable point in her field of experience.

When and as I react to my sister's (or anyone's) aggression, I stop, I breathe and I immediately focus on my breathing to ground and stabilize myself in the physical reality. I remind myself that in order to support the other I need to let go of my own reactions. I remind myself that my sister's reaction is not caused by me and that it is an outflow of everything she has accumulated during her lifetime. I breathe and release my reaction in self-forgiveness. I take another look at the situation from her perspective and I direct myself in the situation according to what would possibly be supportive to her.

I commit myself to practice becoming a stable point for others.

Day 351: What is friendship?

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I had a discussion with a friend and I was left restless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a friend.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make myself dependent of another being and thus fear losing her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what I fear losing is not the person itself but what she represents to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that only one person can ever be whatever it is she represents to me and that if I lose her I lose what she represents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, through our shared history and my experiences with and of this person, to paint an icon within my mind with her shape, representing integrity, intelligence, good will, purity and commitment – the “back bone” I've never perceived myself to have – and to create a relationship to that icon where I “lack” what the icon represents and where I “need” the icon to have a “back bone” in my life – and as this icon is based on my interpretation of a real, living person, to want this person to be in my life / fear not having this person in my life because I believe and perceive that without her I am unable to have those good qualities she represents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that I am “unable” to have integrity, intelligence, good will, purity and commitment in myself because building and growing these qualities is hard work, thus giving up and making myself helpless because I have relied on others to “fill in the gaps” where I choose to believe I am “not good enough”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to gather the kind of people around me who have what I lack, not utilizing that chance to learn from them and develop new traits, but instead abusing their company by expecting them to “cover for me” where I am unwilling to develop myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing a long-time friend because to me my relationship with her represents commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork – the kind of a relationship I would prefer to have with others as well, but haven't yet had that many chances to practice in long-term.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing this friendship because losing it would tell me that nothing lasts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that this friendship would last so that the illusion of permanence would remain.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear facing the fact that everything is temporary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that within this physical life I am the only permanent factor – the “eye” of the storm – and that everything around me (and within me!) is in constant flux, as if spinning in a tornado.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for stability from outside of myself, not realizing that if I hold onto something spinning within that tornado (all the components of life) I will fall from balance – the eye of the storm – and that the only sustainable way to balance myself is to find balance within and as myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork are NOT dependent on the individuals I interact with but on WHO I AM within interaction.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust that when and as WHO I AM is in accordance with commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork, I will create these qualities no matter who I interact with, and that I will thus never lack these qualities in my living as long as I incorporate them into my structure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rely on a few relationships to sustain commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork in my life, not looking for ways to learn how to sustain them by myself within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my words will insult another, which would result in me “losing” her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that I might “lose” my friend by saying something she will react to in such a way where she will decide to keep a “safe” distance to me to avoid further unpleasant reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my friend will use her reactions to my words to paint an image of me in her mind (a classification, stereotype, “this is who she is”) which would limit her in my presence and/or create a resentment towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel annoyed by the possibility that my friend will become alienated because it would be based on an unfair judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being misinterpreted by others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being denied access to life's resources (here: friendship) because of who others perceive and believe me to be, as this is how the world of relationships mainly functions at the moment: access granted or denied based on who one is believed to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust the fact that the (only?) way to correct those who have decided to see me through a certain filter is to live as who I am and show who I am through my living, my words, movements and actions – and that even then others might choose to not see, which I cannot affect as I cannot enter and move another being, but only myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that my words might have been chosen poorly, not realizing that if I would have stopped to re-write my experience from the starting point of not wanting to aggravate the other, my actions would have been manipulation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider limiting my self-expression because I fear that the other would blame her reactions to “my” words onto me. (The words aren't really mine, even though the intent I use them with is; a symbol is just a symbol and can be interpreted in many ways.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though the careful placement of words (directing and manipulating the other's assumed reactions) might be necessary in some situations – such as when playing the political game this world is immersed in - I do not want to build my friendships (or any relationships!) into such places where I'd need to be constantly walking through a mine field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear building my friendships into places of unsuppressed self-expression by expressing myself unsuppressed within them, because I have feared that others will react negatively to this unconventionality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I act out of fear (choose my words so that the other will not react negatively) I will create fear (by upholding a relationship that is based on comfort instead of actual support).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that telling the other what they want to hear is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that downplaying another's flaws is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that giving praise on another's strengths is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that agreeing with another because I fear disagreement (conflict / possibility of loss) is NOT supportive.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that avoiding conflict is NOT support.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that actual support is based on helping each other to grow towards our full potential, and that actual support is NOT pleasant and comfortable but is in fact difficult, challenging and, mostly, full of conflict and disagreement which needs to be constantly processed and sorted out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when a friendship gets to the point where supporting each other gets very challenging, not realizing that I (as we both) have all the tools, capacity and the will to agree on how and why we support each other, and that my fear of loss is just me lifting my hands in the air and saying “I can't do it! Too much! It's gonna crash!” and succumbing to helplessness when in fact I am not helpless to direct the situation – as if I was driving a car, seeing a tree some miles up the road, lifting my hands from the wheel and saying “No use, it's gonna hit anyway!”, when I could in fact just place my hands on the wheel and direct the car to not hit the tree. lol

I commit myself to explore what I find respectable, admirable and praiseworthy in my friend to see what I could develop in myself.

I commit myself to note and write down the qualities that I find respectable, admirable and praiseworthy in others and to reflect them upon myself to see how I could develop in these qualities.

I commit myself to explore how to build relationships from the very first moment and every moment from then onwards based on self-expression, commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork.

I commit myself to re-assess my current relationships to see if they are in fact based on self-expression, commitment, communication, support, unity, respect and teamwork, and I commit myself to find ways to introduce the qualities that are missing into each relationship through my own application, not by demanding others to do shit.

I commit myself to support and assist myself with the commitment above with writing.

I commit myself to work on releasing my fears, so that when I give support to others it would not be an act of fear but an act of simply being.

Day 343: Facing myself within the fear of men

28102013

"Lean on me" by Susan Lyon

I have recently become involved in a new relationship, and it is still in the process of taking form which is why I will not go into details on it yet. It has been a pretty dominant experience for me during the past few weeks and I am now starting to see what I have been going through when facing this new person – or more accurately, who I am with this person.

When I met this person I was both attracted to him and extremely scared of him. There was nothing about him that would have required me to be cautious, which is the purpose of fear as a survival mechanism: he was not dangerous, malicious or abusive. The reason I was (and still am a little bit) afraid of him is because of a stereotype of men I connected him to upon my first impression of him, and also because of what I see of myself when I am with him. In his presence I am faced both with the absurdity of judging people by who they appear to be and with the boundaries of my current comfort zone.

Because of the stereotype in my mind – which I have compiled as a result of my past experiences with men – I was at first suspicious of him and cautious around him, which basically manifested as an all-over tension in my body and a lack of relaxed breathing. When I interacted with him this became more and more obvious to me because within the interaction I was getting constant feedback and support, both verbal and non-verbal. I had to face the fact that this person was showing me his trustworthiness and exposing himself to me while I was being reserved and judgmental out of fear.

A while back I was writing about a core question that had arisen in me: who am I with others? I have noticed that there isn't really anyone I would be entirely relaxed with – the kind of relaxed that I am alone at home without the fear of anyone seeing me – and I realized that I am starting to approach a point in walking myself out of introversion where I am going to have to write this shit out in detail and apply it in practice. However, for now I have not done so, at least not as effectively as I could have. It may be because I am currently living alone and also haven't been in a partnership with anyone for a year: I have not had that stable and consistent platform for feedback and support that helps immensely in self-development. My situation is currently changing from having no intense support to having plenty of it (more on that later), and I think that this is a prime opportunity to start focusing on the personalities I utilize to protect myself within social conduct.

A personality I have come across is one that I call the “happy persona” - a state of being where I hesitate sharing my troubles, worries and challenges and rather portray myself to be joyous, successful and trouble-free. I will begin walking this point with self-forgiveness in posts to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X to be “just another man” after nothing but sex because he was straightforward, handsome and appeared confident.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that men who are straightforward – directly addressing what is going on instead of tip-toeing around the issue – are only interested in self-satisfaction (getting what they desire as fast as possible), not realizing that I have created this interpretation based on a few past experiences where some men have approached me with the purpose of having sex with me, as well as on the image of men as sexually predatory which the society and culture I grew up in has taught me – and that the reason I avoid straightforward men and gravitate towards shy men is because shy men feel “safe” to me whereas straightforward men feel “dangerous” - not realizing that this “gut feeling” of mine doesn't actually say anything about the actual intentions about the people: the shy guy might as well be looking for someone to manipulate while the straightforward guy might be sincerely interested in other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that good-looking men are bound to be assholes because their looks “must have” provided them with so much popularity that they have become self-centered – not realizing that this is yet another stereotype I have created based on a few real-life examples (completely ignoring the good-looking people who have turned out incredibly humble) and on the character of the “handsome douche” that is everywhere in the pop culture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “good looks” - no matter how normative – are subjective, and that “good looks” is not an asset that would work for the benefit of a person anywhere universally, and that therefore I cannot assume that a person has “had it good” just because of how their face and body is shaped because I don't know what kind of a life they have actually lived and how they have experienced it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that confident men are abusive because they are often assertive whereas I have been passive and easy to comply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confident men as “abusive”, not realizing that I am actually afraid of them because I perceive myself to be “powerless” in front of their assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the position of “the abused” and blame another for “abusing” me when in fact I have done nothing to become assertive and self-directed myself and then complied to the assertiveness of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by the confidence of another because I have felt like I am “losing” in comparison to the other – not realizing that what I perceive as “confidence” might not even be confidence and that the person might actually be just as scared as I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “safety” from shy men who have not been confident, assertive and/or straightforward because with them I have not had to develop my confidence, assertiveness and straightforwardness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give X a chance to show me who he really is / myself a chance to see who he really is because it was easier to defend myself with the stereotype of a “non-trustworthy man” (“stay away form this guy bad news bad news!”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that my assumptions and first-impressions about X were influenced by fear and that my view of him was distorted from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a person through fear, manifested as tension in my body, and then blame the other for “coming too close” when and as I have been faced with my own fearful and tense state of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when another has challenged my belief on how social situations “should be” conducted: when, where and how are which actions “allowed”.

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[Cut out some personal SF that went into more detail on the beliefs that were challenged. The conclusion I came to was that when I believe that certain forms of self-expression are "not allowed" in social conduct until enough time has passed and an appropriate sense of "trustworthiness" has been established, I support myself to assume the worst out of everyone I do not yet know "well enough" - which is the majority of all the fucking people on this planet - and consequently give myself permission to be reserved and limited with everyone who hasn't made it into my "inner circle".]

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing and exposing the fact that I am excited and happy about this new person being in my life and the opportunities this situation opens up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing my excitement because I have wanted to remain “above” the situation by appearing “cool”, not realizing that this is yet another defense mechanism I use to protect myself from abuse – not realizing that I will not protect myself from abuse by distancing myself from people and suppressing my interest towards people but by not living as the compliant, passive victim I have gotten used to being.

When and as I am with X, I commit myself to focus on my breathing as much as possible to stabilize myself and thus assist and support myself to notice and face my own reactions, feelings, emotions and thoughts.

I commit myself to write about the points that arise within interaction with X.

I commit myself to utilize this opportunity to practice self-honest communication by not accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from X and by instead sharing my experience in its entirety without sugar-coating. (Quite awesome that he supports me in this!)

I will continue with the “who am I with others” personality point in posts to come.

Day 310: Dissolving a stereotype

06092013

Yesterday I was working in the bar and close to our closing time a couple of my new class mates from university walked in. While I was talking with them and observing their behavior in the bar I realized something about these people, and about myself.

I'll name these two girls A and B. For the past couple of weeks that I've been hanging out with them I've observed A to be a bit tense and nervous, but she seems active, and she has been one of the most eager to go out to party. B has appeared very fearful to me, kind of fidgety, with her eyes darting around as if she's not sure whether my look for instance (or anything in her environment) is friendly or hostile.

When they came to the bar yesterday they were both very drunk, and a lot started to make sense. A, who had been most eager to go party, was really loud and expressive when she was drunk – and I realized that she is probably a very expressive person who just believes she cannot do it without alcohol in her system. And B, while drunk, was a bit less fidgety, and came across as very warm and friendly when her guard was lowered.

What I realized was that with these kind of people I have usually been influenced by prejudice. I have judged their need to get intoxicated and I have labeled them into a specific kind of a stereotype (“pissikset” in finnish, the archetype of a superficial teenage girl). I have not wanted to be in contact with these kinds of people and I have very effectively pushed them out of my life. This time around when I began university I knew that I would be facing all kinds of people and my approach was different than usual – I wasn't prepared for anything specific, I just knew that I wanted to get to know all kinds of new people that I came across because university is a great place for doing that. Yesterday I realized that I had not labeled these people into that superficial stereotype: to me they were just my classmates. And so I was able to actually see them and embrace them because I wasn't separating them from myself with a made-up boundary.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blind myself from seeing people for who they actually are (how they are actually moving in this reality without my filtered interpretation of it) by believing and perceiving them to be “different” from me and thus never seeing them as one with and equal to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing other people as one with and equal to me because it would require me to see myself in them, including the things that I judge, dislike, hate, resent or despise in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself as one with and equal to people who believe they need alcohol/drugs to be able to express themselves without limitations, because I have been like this myself and haven't forgiven myself for it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear seeing myself as one with and equal to people who suppress and limit their self-expression because I am struggling with the same issues myself, just in different ways, and because “freedom of expression” is a defining factor in my personality/ego and admitting that I am in fact limited in my self-expression would shatter my ego.*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to set myself apart from people who are limited in their self-expression by adopting the role of someone above them – “the one who is NOT limited in their self-expression” – not realizing that this is just another personality I use to feel good about myself.*

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing myself as insecure to others who are insecure as I fear giving up my position of dominance, not realizing that exposing myself to another might actually be of support to the other when upholding my appearance and keeping a distance most certainly will not.

I commit myself to investigate and explore how exposing my “weaknesses” to others would act as support and assistance for others as well as for myself.

I commit myself to seek for the “good” in other people – their true potential – especially in those who I dislike, despise, resent, hate and/or judge.

I commit myself to expect from other people nothing but their utmost potential, as I have seen how this approach to others actually brings out the best in them; when and as I live within the experience “you are a small push away from the best you can be” I support the other to make that push and live as the best they can be.

I commit myself to investigate the ego and personality points mentioned above.*

Days 253-254: I don't want to go home

10-11062013

A friend told me she is returning to Finland to continue studying the same subject I have applied to study myself. I reacted to this information with relief and joy, which is because recently as I have been traveling I have become more and more uncertain about what to do with my life and have created a reluctance to return to Finland at all. I found comfort in the fact that she would be there with me because then I would feel less lonely, less alone, less of a “lonely warrior” when my life takes on a new direction – or when I am supposed to take a new direction – when I am to change my life into something it has not been before.

See, I have created a reluctance to return to my home town and region not because of the place itself – the town is nice to live, work and study in – but because of the life I have lived within it. I fear that as soon as I return my “old life” will suck me back in because of all the habits and tendencies that I associate with the physical location and everything that I have lived through within it in the past. I fear that I will regress. I fear that my environment will not support me in my process of change. I fear that my environment will make change more difficult than it already is. But here I make changing like a big demon that I have to battle, I make it more than it is. There is bound to be friction because when there is a harmonious flow of particles and one particle suddenly decides to change its course it will conflict with the other particles – but that is just what it is, movement and inevitabilities, and it should not be interpreted to be anything else. If I change, I change, and it will require being certain of who I am as I change, what I am changing and who I become as I change. Not by enforcing a mantra of ideals but by knowing myself and living according to who I choose to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change because I fear standing utterly alone with my decisions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist returning to an environment which I believe, perceive and assume to not support me in any way in my process of change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my environment will resist and suffocate my attempt to change the direction of my life and that I will be helpless in front of this resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to be unable to stand within and as my decisions in the face of external pressure or resistance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that when/as/if I get into conflict with my environment – when there is friction in between how I have decided to direct my life and how my environment responds to it – I will be left without support and will thus crumble like a cookie.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if my environment does not support me I cannot stand, not realizing that with this belief I demand that my environment gives me support and make my own standing dependent on how my environment sees me.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stand within and as my decisions only when certain conditions are met (when my environment shows me enough support), not realizing that by doing so I live as less than I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that my fundamental support – myself – is not going anywhere and will always “be there for me” even if I received no external support i.e. from other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, within my fear of failure, to create a worst-case scenario where I give into peer pressure and screw up my life completely, making all of my process so far meaningless as I regress through my self-limitation to who I was in the past – not realizing that by creating and upholding such a scenario in the first place I believe myself to be just as “weak” as the scenario implies and will support myself to live out this exact “weak personality”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive myself to be “weak” (unable to direct myself / easily directed by others) because I have lived like this in the past.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify living as this “weak personality” by blaming my inability to change the direction of my life on my environment, accusing my environment of suppressing me and not giving me permission to live my life how I choose to - not realizing that no matter the amount of external pressure I am always the one to accept and allow my inner experience to be influenced and my movement to be directed by external factors, and that the responsibility for my self-compromise thus cannot be pushed on anyone else but is in fact mine to carry.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going back home because I fear it will be difficult and that I will fail to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that hardship is an inevitable part of the process of change and that it is not required to be feared – it will be there whether I fear it or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent, avoid and fear hardship as I have not wanted to recognize it to be a part of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear hardship because it contains the possibility of failure.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that just as every breath I take requires my muscles to move and go through effort, so does living one's life require consistent effort, pushing and active movement – otherwise one will end up standing still.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear adversity because I fear that I will fail to overcome it, not realizing that there is no way to perfectly “win” the battle with the challenges I face but simply different ways to deal with them, each with their own results.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to find a way to deal with the challenges I face – one that would not compromise me or anyone and which would take into consideration the consequences of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust my ability to figure out what choice of action would consider the best of all (myself included).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I do not trust myself to make good decisions I require others to validate my decisions for me to make up for my lack of self-trust and thus make it easier for myself to crumble and not live according to my decisions when others do not give me the validation I believe myself to need.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to sabotage my life by not trusting myself to be able to make well-informed, considerate and responsible decisions.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a mind-scenario where change is a big, dramatic battle with opposing forces that try to destroy me with all their might, believing and perceiving myself to be doing the “right thing” and the opposers to be promoting the “wrong thing” - not realizing that change is only dramatic if I compare it to the passiveness that precedes and surrounds it, and that without the act of comparison change is just movement among movement, life among life, breath among breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that change is not about big, movie-like storylines but about individual moments of breath where change is created through stopping, re-assessing, re-directing and setting off to motion again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the change that happens HERE in the moment of breath by only focusing on the dramatic scenario of “big changes”, not realizing that the drama exists only in my mind and not in the actual reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that change is “big” when in fact it is actually “small” - not a series of movie-like events but single moments of breath in self-awareness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear change as I have believed and perceived it to be something “big” where one can also fail in a grand scale – not realizing that change is not something bigger than me or beyond me but that change IS me as in every moment I inhale and exhale I have a new chance, a new beginning, a new option, a chance to clear the table and choose again.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that change is nothing to be afraid of because even if I'd fail I can always try again or choose another direction.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear severing ties to people, groups and activities which I no longer wish to keep a part of my life because I fear that if my choice to do so proves to have been a bad choice I would not have the chance to go back – not realizing that my wish to keep that back gate open, that path to what used to be familiar and comfortable, is born out of the fear of failing and ending up alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume that when I choose to leave these people, groups and activities behind me, it will be seen as a hostile act which would then awake negative reactions in others which would then be exerted onto me – not realizing that this is NOT an accurate forecast of what the future will be but is actually the worst-case scenario I have created in my mind based on my fears through guesswork – and that this worst-case scenario can be avoided through how I apply myself within the process of severing these ties.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear re-arranging my priorities and the practical changes they would introduce to my life because I fear the society I live in will not support me in this choice of lifestyle. [These are mainly practical issues that for now I have to wait to solve – I'll get back to this when the issue is here.]

I commit myself to face the response of the environment I change myself in, be it familiar or not, within and as the realization that I do not know in advance what the response of my environment will be and that this is in no way relevant to my decision and standing.

I commit myself to remind myself in the case of conflict that the reactions of my environment are not caused by me and not my responsibility; In situations of conflict I commit myself to take care of and carry responsibility for my own reactions, the experience that I create, uphold and believe in.

I commit myself to focus on the change that happens HERE in the moment of breath within and as the realization that these moments are the ones that accumulate to the “big” changes that I aim for in my life – and I commit myself to support and assist myself with this by practicing self-aware breathing whenever I remember to.

Day 239: The Savior / The Goddess / The Holy Mary

21052013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 237: Meetings and partings

Day 238: Resisting self-reliance

Some SF left out for the sake of privacy.

Direct continuation to Day 238: Resisting self-reliance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect X's company to make me feel welcome, secure, safe and liked as I wish to repeat the experience I had with him and the others earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe one person can re-create an experience induced by an entire group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am looking for the missing pieces of my puzzle in others, not realizing that I am the one who gifted myself with these pieces in the first place when the enjoyable interaction with these people happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for the enjoyable moment I had with others and instead believe and perceive that the others gave me this experience, not realizing that I made the experience fun and enjoyable by expressing mysef freely, not being afraid of other people, being active and suggesting activity for the group and by appreciating each person that was present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when this experience faded as I did not realize that every experience will fade eventually, not realizing that even though the experience faded me and the others were still open, social and active with each other and that this was very nice in itself even without the “high” experience - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then try and hold on to the experience by holding onto the people that were present, mistaking them to be the cause of my experience, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the cause was myself all along and that I do not need to be afraid because I am not going anywhere.

When and as I am enjoying the company of others - "having fun" - I stop, I breathe and I ask myself who is causing me to experience the enjoyment: me or the others. I pay attention to my application within the interaction and push myself to be self-honest about what is moving me. I realize that interaction between beings is, for me, not about who the others are but who I am with the others. I re-direct my application in the moment if necessary within and as the realization that I am "allowed" to change my direction within interaction if I so choose.

I commit myself to realize that all experience will fade.

--

Continuing with another point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not address what I saw/guessed X's motivation/starting point to be, thus accepting and allowing his self-abuse to continue (if this was in fact the case).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather play along with another's self-abuse because it gave me the chance to play out one of my favourite characters: “the savior” / “the goddess” / “the Holy Mary” / “the healer”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself a “savior character” through which I could feel needed, worthwhile, special, superior, appreciated and accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live as “the savior” because I could boost my self-esteem through it, creating myself the illusion that I was appreciated and worthwhile, when in fact I have been replacing my self-acceptance and my sense of self-worth with the appreciation of others (or the illusion thereof).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others by ignoring their self-abuse, rather living as the savior character to “feed off” on others for my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “the savior character” only serves my self-interest and does not consider what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though helping others is most necessary, “the savior character” is not required for doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go with “the savior character” when another needs help instead of stopping, breathing and actually assessing the situation to see what's really necessary to be done – to see what the other needs instead of serving my interests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to others to figure out what they actually need when within “the savior character” as I have already had a ready “helping pattern” to live by – not realizing that this pattern does not consider the actual person in front of me and might not serve his/her needs in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when trying to listen to another because I have actually just wanted to act out my “helping patterns”, which consist of lines, advice, suggestions, gestures and actions that I have defined as “helpful” or “comforting”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to react with gratitude to my “helping patterns” because I have used this positive reaction as a validation of my worth and success - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this pattern because this reaction is what usually occurs in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to save another, not realizing that a person can only be saved by themselves.

I commit myself to realize that the difference between helping others and "saving" others is that the goal of helping is to support and assist the other to become self-supported, whereas in "saving" others the goal is to have another be dependent on me.

I commit myself to let others carry responsibility for themselves and face the consequences of their actions and choices, supporting them to face their bullshit themselves but not carrying it for them, within and as the realization that "allowing" another to "take the blows" will enhance their growth (if they so choose).

I commit myself to stop feeding off on others' misfortune for my own elevation, when and as I interact with another in a supportive way, by stopping, breathing and asking myself what my starting point is. I ask myself if I am really listening to the other or not. I remind myself that how I see the person is not how he/she really is but just a perception, and that all of my suggestions for help are thus guesses as well. I remind myself that the healing process of another is not up to me but up to the other as the only one who can move anyone of us is ourselves.

I commit myself to realize I am worthwhile even if I didn't "save" anyone but myself.

I commit myself to focus on "saving" myself and to allow others to deal with their bullshit themselves, supporting and assisting others only in ways that do not compromise who I am.

Day 234: "Having a romantic interest" as an addiction

15052013

[Today I opened up a point in private writings, here's some excerpt and SF on it.]

[Here I'm speaking mostly from the perspective of childhood experiences.]

Rejection. My romantic interests have rejected me ever since the first one. There have been few mutual ones, and some that I haven't responded to. I have built up this hope and this positive experience of another, positive view of another, expectations of the other being the most wonderful person ever, and when I have been denied access to this I have blamed myself for it – I have not been good enough. And it has been like all of my foundation has been crumbled away: I have laid out myself on the image of another person, a person I have not even known, thinking of this image as the “earth beneath my feet” because the energy charge of this has been so strong that it has helped me survive my daily adversities of being bullied, isolated and self-abused. So “having a romantic interest” has been an addiction to me, a drug to keep me going, something with which to replace self-support. Romantic interests and the related fantasies have been my “rosy glasses”, my distraction, my escape from the actual issues haunting me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get addicted to the energy I have received from having a romantic interest, as I have used this energy to fuel me in my daily living which was consuming to me because of all the adversity.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to choose one person among a selection of suitable people (usually being physically available within my daily living and being approximately in my age group has been enough) according to the energetic reaction I have had towards this person on first encounter (“first impression”) as related to others available, choosing the one towards which my reaction was most overwhelming and most positive – then placing this person in a “special position” where I would start building fantasies and scenarios around this person according to the model my world had presented me (through movies, fairytales, books, media, celebrities), building up expectations, hopes and desires that these scenarios would come true so that I could release the anticipation and experience all the energy I had been promised, thus also creating fear that this person would no longer “be available” and that he would be “stolen” from me by someone “better” than me, fearing that all the scenarios and hopes and desires and plans I had invested in would collapse, because I would then collapse as the hole within me that I ignored with all this is still there, waiting to be noticed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build fantasies and scenarios of “security” and “safety” around this one selected person because I did not feel safe or secure within my world and within myself and instead of looking at myself for the cause and remedy searched for a “quick fix” from outside of me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat this scenario time and time again without realizing that the problem is within me, that it is not about “having the wrong person” or me being “not good enough” - it is this desire to have a romantic interest that is causing me trouble because I have been clearly unable to live without one as I have always latched myself onto another after the last attempt has “failed”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, as I have not felt secure, safe or stable within my living, to search for security, safety and stability from other people instead of seeing, realizing and understanding that my “lack” is due to my immaturity as a human being which is the result of me growing up in a world that is immature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for the elements that I lack due to an imbalanced childhood from others, not realizing that it is not another's responsibility to give me what I lack so that I could live as a seemingly complete, yet actually incomplete being for the rest of my days.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my responsibility to grow back my “missing limbs”, because when given by others it is but a “wooden leg” the giving of which consumes the other, and that me growing out of my own immaturity is the only known option that considers the best of all, not just my self-interest.

This leaves me with the question: why do I feel insecure, unstable and unsafe? Knowing the basics of developmental psychology, I'd say something in my process of growing up has been disturbed as a child – but when and how? This may have something to do with my relationship to my father. During my childhood he was “never there” because he was always working, and when he was actually present it was be uncertain whether he would be stressed and tired or really happy and cheerful – so I could never really trust him to “always be there for me” because sometimes he was obviously too tired to put up with my child-existence, and even though he tried to cover this up I of course noticed. So maybe I'm looking for that stability, that reliability that was never there from other men, trying to find the stability that I was supposed to learn from my father/parents but never did. Children learn by mimicking: I was never shown stability, safety, certainty, security in terms of a being's “inner balance”. Thus I did not learn this as a child, when all I had to mimic was unreliable emotional expression and self-abuse.

So, right. Whatever it has been, I have picked this all up as a child when I have actually been helpless about my life. What I didn't pick up when it would have been easy, I'm going to have to practice now when it's difficult, and that can only happen through consistent practicing: stopping the pattern, questioning it, not living according to it, directing myself otherwise. Moment after moment after moment. Walking myself out of this mess is not going to be easy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not be consistent about stopping the related mind-patterns [which I opened up in private writings] as I have not realized that walking myself out of a dependency / addiction is the most difficult thing I will ever do because I resist it with all of my mind, and that it thus requires all of my effort to sort it out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not stop these patterns every time they occur and instead allow them to run for a while and only notice and stop them until they accumulate enough fear/desire within me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be lazy about my writings as I have not been specific enough to actually assist and support me to overcome these mind-patterns.

I commit myself to map out these mind-patterns in full detail so that I can flag them and actually notice and immediately stop them when and as they occur.

I commit myself to no longer follow these mind patterns because I see, realize and understand that they will only lead to fear and/or desire and that I will end up looping in-between these polarities – neither one of which is based on reality.

I commit myself to write about the self-suppression related to this point. [Not mentioned here.]

Day 193: Gifting myself with attention

http://fineartamerica.com/featured/embracing-light--self-portrait-jaeda-dewalt.html

02042013

I am at the moment at the culmination point of all the projects I have been very busy with for the entire spring. I am running out of time and every deadline seems to be at the same time (not all of them actually are and this is a matter of laying out schedules based on facts).

I have been facing new points while also working on an ever-increasing and tightening work load and schedule, and I have had an intense time and managed to keep myself together just barely. I have had 4 days off from my paid job, but I have not been on a holiday but working 12-hour days at the theatre – and so it is going to be until next week or so, with everything else in my life demanding my attention at the same time. And so when I landed back on my day job with a myriad of points-in-process running through my head and with an ever-growing fear that I am just not going to make it, that I am going to kill myself - that I am going to die with all of this because if I increase the amount of time I work it will be away from sleeping and writing and that would be self-compromise and a suicide, and I refuse to do that – I ended up at a point where there was no thought, no conscious trigger, but a movement from within me as my physical existence or whoever I am beneath all this that seemed to say: Enough. And I took two deep breaths and it was like a dam breaking, I cried and gasped for air, and I felt like I was facing myself for the first time in days, as if I took myself on the palm of my hand and finally carried my shaken self as if I had been shouting for my own attention for all of these days and finally stopped neglecting myself.

This is interesting because I have seen how this need of my own attention has been reflected into a wish that someone would show me attention – someone else – anyone – which has then been morphed into blame (“why does he never ask me how I'm doing”, “why do I give everything and get nothing in return”, “why does no one care about me”) - when it is obvious that I am just projecting my needs on others and casting the responsibility of my well-being on other people when it is in fact MY responsibility to take care of myself, to care about myself, to care for myself.

And so today I realized the importance of “having some me-time”, lol. And it is not just about dedicating some time off my day to myself solely (in which writing is a great tool), but to teach myself to have that me-time in every single breath. It is especially important at a time like this where I'd have the least time to spare for anything but work, because this me-time is what keeps me from falling apart under all this stress. I am moving at light-speed and if my rocket ship ain't well maintained all the time the screws are gonna come flying off and the ship will crumble! (lol, I'm totally giggling at this analogy because it RULES)

I commit myself to teach myself through consistency to gift myself each and every breath that I take – in practice meaning that I teach myself to be aware of each and every time I inhale and exhale and to direct each and every breath within and as myself, and that when and as I fall out of breath I forgive myself and try again, because I see, realize and understand that this can only ever be done through consistent practice and self-support – and I commit myself to practice for as long as it takes to build this into an automation, so that my self-aware and self-directed breathing is as automatic as my thoughts are to me now.

I commit myself to realize when and as I breathe that each and every breath I take is in fact my gift to myself as Life.

I commit myself to keep on dedicating a segment of my day, at least 1 hour but preferably more, to writing this Journey to Life blog where I gift myself my own attention and support to whatever I am processing at that moment.

I commit myself to realize that each and every breath that I do not live within and as self-awareness is in fact self-compromise because my attention and focus is then projected elsewhere, which is when I lose myself and suffocate myself.