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| nobody likes me - http://efana.deviantart.com/art/Spikes-30DC-258571057 |
“God, I'm so sick and tired of this
point reoccurring!” Good. That means I am willing to move on. So
what is it that I am holding onto? What is it that I am unwilling to
let go?
I have used people to create a sense of
stability, certainty and self-worth. I have done this ever since high
school when I got “real” friends as compared to those I had had
throughout my preliminary education. I was so happy to have friends
that actually liked me and wanted to hang out with me that I
completely imprinted on them and got dependent on them – and I
never realized that the reason people wanted to hang out with me was
that I was likable – not that they were kind enough to stick
around. This dependency of mine became a strain every now and then
and I realized I couldn't rely on my friends because they had lives
of their own. Instead I turned to romantic relationships – they
were about lifelong commitment, right? - to fulfill my need to rely
on others.
This pattern still prevails. When I do
not have any romantic sizzle going on, I turn to friends – when I
am in a relationship, I fully hold onto that one person. And this is
because I fear loneliness, I fear myself, I fear facing myself, I do
not rely on myself. There's this sense of dread and panic when I
realize that there is no one here I could turn to with a plausible
excuse, when I realize that it would be the best course of action if
I just staid alone right now – I can't breathe, the walls start
coming in, the room seems darker, the world's more distant. It's like
everything around me turns into a frightening demon – when in fact
the demon is me.
These moments when the night is falling
but it's not completely dark yet are the worst. It's a reminder that
the darkness is coming and that the electric light indoors is not
enough to resemble the day. My fallacies, illusions, tricks, beliefs
and imagery are not enough to blind me from reality – the darkness
of the utter, inescapable state of being ALONE.
It has been difficult for me to face
the fact that I am just one, I am just me, I am nobody else no matter
how much I live through others to make my life seem fulfilling. This
means I hold all responsibility of myself, as does everyone of
themselves respectively, and that I cannot escape myself anymore.
I am horribly afraid to admit the fact
that I am dependent on people and the social relations I have defined
“safe”. I fear that when I admit this people will run away
screaming. I fear I will be judged and find no support. I fear I will
be digging my own grave by admitting my flaws. I fear that by
admitting my dependency on people I will lose all contact with
people. But this is to pass the responsibility. This is to blame
others for possible consequences. If others were to run away, it
would be an opportunity for me to learn to be self-supported – not
a grave, not the end of the world, not death – even though it would
be “the death” of who I used to be.
I feel like I am not enough for myself.
I am leaving for this trip and I fear that I will be disappointed
with my own company when there is no one familiar there to validate
my self-worth. When there is no familiar face to smile at me will I
crumble away? If this is the case, who am I then within all my
familiar social relations, if not an attention addict begging for
others to keep me standing? Who the fuck am I to do that, to beg, to
abuse, to wither helpless and whimpering, helpless as a child given
up on everything? Who am I to curl up privileged and limp, clogged
within my self-interest?
It is weird to write and read these
words because I feel like I am looking at a child – and that is who
I am, who we all are who have not yet learned to stand nor walk. I am
not yet grown. I have posture to find, steps to take, balance to
weigh, rhythm to try.
Before I can move myself as a
functioning human being I've got to first learn how to stand. I've
got to let go of the hands of others, take a breath and make a leap
into the darkness of being ALONE. If I fall, I get back up and try
again. Eventually I will find the balance, the step, the pace.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live through relationships of dependency where
I have asked for others to carry me through life so that I would
never have to face myself, carry myself, move myself, make decisions
for myself or take responsibility for myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live as a cancer cell within the human kind as
I have used, abused and consumed other people instead of being a
single, individual cell unattached to others and thus functional.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feed on the “life force” of others – the
activeness, self-honesty, uncompromisingness, self-expression and
self-directedness I've seen manifested in others – by making my
life experience reliant on the presence and company of others and the
lives they live, seeing no life for myself without/beyond these
people as most of my time and energy is spent on wanting to be with
them, fearing to lose them, fantasizing about being with them and,
eventually, being with them.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear admitting having been extremely dependent
on others because I have feared facing the shame of revealing myself
to myself, this justified with the fear that others will “judge”
me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself in one of my previous partnerships to manifest
dependency by defining the attention, affection and appreciation of
another to be the only source of acceptance for me, feeling as if I
had been “saved” from loneliness and from the compulsory
competition to find a partner, thus within an extended period of time
building this relationship into my “nest” and stability point,
without which I perceived myself to be unable to live, as if I no
longer existed as an individual – all of this from the starting
point of not gifting myself with self-acceptance as I believed
acceptance had to be found through other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that behind my dependency is the
gratification I get from the approval of others – that small moment
of joy when another gives me confirmation that my company is enjoyed
– because I have not seen myself to be “likable”, “enjoyable”,
“nice”, “cool” or any other kind of an acceptable being and
believed this experience of being accepted only to be found
with/through other people.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive that by telling myself “I
am fun to be around!” I will start seeing myself as fun to be
around – not realizing that spouting mantras will only cover up the
real reasons behind my negative self-definition as they never address
the problem and thus never offer a solution – mantras simply repeat
the outcome but do not offer the tools to actually get there.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that people will abandon me because I have
been unable to comprehend why anyone would want to spend time with me
because of my negative self-definition, believing that people spend
time with me out of pity and duty or because they plan to hurt/abuse
me and not because they actually enjoy my company.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust my friends to like me for who I am
and fear that they will abandon me, thus having to constantly remind
myself that “he/she does really like me!” - not realizing
this too is a mantra because I do not fully believe these words and
try to make them real by repeating them enough.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make it a big deal that I am liked, not
realizing that it is quite common for people to like each other, and
that people liking each other is actually most likely the closest
we'll get to a “natural” state of social interaction.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to glorify the fact that another likes me, not
realizing that this simply means that we have shed fear from our
interaction (or at least most of it) – and that people liking each
other is thus not “more” but is actually less as there is less
shit inbetween us.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to define myself according to how much people
appear to like me, not realizing that me being liked has actually
nothing to do with me in fact, because when one's company is enjoyed
(without dependency/addiction) it is a sign that the interaction is
fearless – not that I am something “more” or that my
“likability status” has been upgraded, but that the interaction
between me and another is developing towards trust – which is not
“who I am” per se but the movement of who I am and who the other
is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take it personally when another likes /
dislikes me, not realizing this to be an indicator of the amount of
fear in the other's starting point and not a statement of who I am.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to believe and perceive it to be about the other
when I like / dislike another, not realizing this to be an indicator
of the amount of fear in my starting point.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive my experience of liking another is caused by the other, not realizing that I am creating the experience by allowing myself to interact with the other as myself.
- I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive my experience of disliking another is caused by the other, not realizing that I am creating the experience by not allowing myself to interact with the other as myself because of fear.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to glorify those whom I have liked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge those whom I have disliked.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to desire to be glorified by others as the cause
of their experience of liking me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear being judged by others as the cause of
their experience of disliking me.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I cannot take credit for the
experience of another no matter how willing they'd be to hand it over
to me.
I've come a bit far from what I
originally wrote about, but this is really cool – I started to
unravel a new point by writing through this anxious
experience/emotion I was within and just going with it, pushing
myself as I realized a new point was beginning to open up. This has
actually been tremendous help.
I commit myself to embrace the moments
when I enjoy the company of others – and the company of myself with
others! - from the starting point of realizing we are now here
without fear and seeing the vast possibilities within such moments.
When and as another expresses that they
like / dislike me in direct or indirect communication, I commit
myself to remind myself this is nothing personal towards me but more
an indicator of who the other is, and that I should not glorify /
judge myself according to this because I would then be claiming
credit for the experience of another.
I commit myself to flag the moments
where I experience myself to like / dislike another and to stop,
breathe and look into myself to see if I am passing the blame/credit
on the other in order to realize this experience is an indicator of
who I am and not who the other is.
I commit myself to investigate and
further open up this point of what makes me “likable” and to show
myself my company is in fact enjoyable by allowing myself to be in my
presence – not by repeating mantras that separate me from myself by
not addressing what is here and instead focusing on “what I should
be”.
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