Days 247-248: SF on "doing nothing"

3105-01062013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare my current living to the way I lived in my previous circumstances, perceiving and believing myself to be “doing nothing” as compared to what I have done before, not realizing that my past and my present are not comparable because I am not the same person now that I was in the past, which makes the most favourable course of action / way of living subject to change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hold on to the way I have lived my life in my previous circumstances because my previous way of living has made me feel like I'm “doing enough” or “doing my best”, not realizing that my past way of living has been largely self-compromise in terms of what I have been doing and how, and that it has been motivated by fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I have felt that I have been “doing enough” only when I have compromised my well-being, in other words, when I have accepted and allowed my fear of failure to consume me to a point where I have worked at the expense of every other aspect of my life, not realizing that this way of living is not sustainable as I seek for stability in an ideal that cannot be achieved – and that my feeling of “having done enough” has thus been based on self-deception and cannot be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that the worth of my life is determined by the deeds I do.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am not the deeds I do but the motivation that moves me to do them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to plan my return to my previous living circumstances according to who I was before I left, not giving myself the chance to even consider reconstructing myself and my life based on who I become as I travel and find a new perspective on what I have been doing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an ideal scenario of my return, where I would come back to my previous responsibilities and duties as an “enlightened” being who would then live out my previous circumstances “perfectly” without making mistakes – not realizing that here I deny myself the chance to reconstruct myself and my life as I hold on to what's familiar and comfortable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to re-live my past circumstances by repeating the same things over and over again because I have not forgiven myself for my mistakes and would like to live a “perfect” life – not realizing that as I hold onto the past I ignore the present, and that life is too short to re-live every past moment into a flawless one.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow attached to my living circumstances so that I had to relocate myself to the other side of the globe to be able to de-attach myself from them and question them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget the possibilities of life as I have grown attached to my routines, lifestyle and worldview.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to grow attached to my routines, lifestyle and worldview because they have brought me a sense of stability and comfort.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe it to be “worthless” to travel and not work while traveling, naming this “doing nothing”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for not working when I travel because I perceive and believe only “real work” to contribute anything to the society, not realizing that as I travel I gift myself with time and opportunities to study, learn and focus on self-reflection – all things that will assist and support me to “give back” to the society as they change who I am within my actions which affects the outcome of my actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that only working on something concrete, long-term and instantly visible contributes to the society, not realizing that a lot of “invisible” work is to be done before I am able to see what the best course of action would be and who I need to be within it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for focusing on myself as I have perceived and believed this to be “selfish”, not realizing that if I do not focus on working on myself I will remain as a fuck-up and would only damage the reality around me as a consequence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe it to be a “waste of time” to focus on myself when a lot of problems wait to be solved, not realizing that I cannot contribute to the solution of these problems when I am still a part of the “disease” that causes and upholds the problems in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is necessary to take time for myself to sort myself out in order to actually be of assistance in solving the problems that are present in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be restless and impatient because I have wanted to be “ready” to act and be of assistance in solving the problems of the world, not realizing that I am still of very little use because there are a lot of points that I need to sort out in myself before I can participate – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that working on these points within myself is in itself an act of assistance and participation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand the arrogance in believing myself to be “ready” to take action while I ignore the issues within myself that I have not dealt with yet.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not live as humility by assessing myself in self-honesty to see what I am actually capable of at the moment and what I need to work on to make progress.

I commit myself to continue working on the most prominent points I have been facing lately – instability, dependency and direction of life – by facing them in my practical living and writing them out when necessary.

I commit myself to explore the possibilities I have for directing my life – the things I do, live out, live within, work on, support and uphold – within and as the realization that I am not tied to places, people, possessions, contacts, surroundings or circumstances in any other than practical ways (for example I am tied to money because that is my access to the world's resources which I need to survive).

I commit myself, when and as I consider different possibilities for directing my life, to consider first and foremost what is best for all and to search for any and all points of self-interest with absolute self-honesty.

I commit myself to show mercy on myself by giving myself time to work on myself by not accepting and allowing guilt, fear and the sense of duty to move me while I travel; I see, realize and understand that this is what has moved me before and that this is not a sustainable source of motivation for a life lived in favor of the well-being of all because I am a part of all and suffer while I move myself by force.

I commit myself to face the moments when I think I “should be doing something” by stopping, breathing and realizing that by allowing this thought to move me I move myself by force because it is not necessity and common sense that is moving me.

I commit myself to continue studying the life of the people around me in these different cultures I live within as I travel as this has felt natural, enjoyable and enriching to me – in other words, by being present in each and every moment this act of studying and learning happens without conscious effort as an outflow of being HERE.

Day 239: The Savior / The Goddess / The Holy Mary

21052013

This post is a continuation to:

Day 237: Meetings and partings

Day 238: Resisting self-reliance

Some SF left out for the sake of privacy.

Direct continuation to Day 238: Resisting self-reliance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect X's company to make me feel welcome, secure, safe and liked as I wish to repeat the experience I had with him and the others earlier.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe one person can re-create an experience induced by an entire group.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I am looking for the missing pieces of my puzzle in others, not realizing that I am the one who gifted myself with these pieces in the first place when the enjoyable interaction with these people happened.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give myself credit for the enjoyable moment I had with others and instead believe and perceive that the others gave me this experience, not realizing that I made the experience fun and enjoyable by expressing mysef freely, not being afraid of other people, being active and suggesting activity for the group and by appreciating each person that was present.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when this experience faded as I did not realize that every experience will fade eventually, not realizing that even though the experience faded me and the others were still open, social and active with each other and that this was very nice in itself even without the “high” experience - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then try and hold on to the experience by holding onto the people that were present, mistaking them to be the cause of my experience, not seeing, realizing and understanding that the cause was myself all along and that I do not need to be afraid because I am not going anywhere.

When and as I am enjoying the company of others - "having fun" - I stop, I breathe and I ask myself who is causing me to experience the enjoyment: me or the others. I pay attention to my application within the interaction and push myself to be self-honest about what is moving me. I realize that interaction between beings is, for me, not about who the others are but who I am with the others. I re-direct my application in the moment if necessary within and as the realization that I am "allowed" to change my direction within interaction if I so choose.

I commit myself to realize that all experience will fade.

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Continuing with another point.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not address what I saw/guessed X's motivation/starting point to be, thus accepting and allowing his self-abuse to continue (if this was in fact the case).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather play along with another's self-abuse because it gave me the chance to play out one of my favourite characters: “the savior” / “the goddess” / “the Holy Mary” / “the healer”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself a “savior character” through which I could feel needed, worthwhile, special, superior, appreciated and accepted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to live as “the savior” because I could boost my self-esteem through it, creating myself the illusion that I was appreciated and worthwhile, when in fact I have been replacing my self-acceptance and my sense of self-worth with the appreciation of others (or the illusion thereof).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse others by ignoring their self-abuse, rather living as the savior character to “feed off” on others for my self-interest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “the savior character” only serves my self-interest and does not consider what's best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though helping others is most necessary, “the savior character” is not required for doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to automatically go with “the savior character” when another needs help instead of stopping, breathing and actually assessing the situation to see what's really necessary to be done – to see what the other needs instead of serving my interests.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not listen to others to figure out what they actually need when within “the savior character” as I have already had a ready “helping pattern” to live by – not realizing that this pattern does not consider the actual person in front of me and might not serve his/her needs in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get frustrated when trying to listen to another because I have actually just wanted to act out my “helping patterns”, which consist of lines, advice, suggestions, gestures and actions that I have defined as “helpful” or “comforting”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect another to react with gratitude to my “helping patterns” because I have used this positive reaction as a validation of my worth and success - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not question this pattern because this reaction is what usually occurs in others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is possible to save another, not realizing that a person can only be saved by themselves.

I commit myself to realize that the difference between helping others and "saving" others is that the goal of helping is to support and assist the other to become self-supported, whereas in "saving" others the goal is to have another be dependent on me.

I commit myself to let others carry responsibility for themselves and face the consequences of their actions and choices, supporting them to face their bullshit themselves but not carrying it for them, within and as the realization that "allowing" another to "take the blows" will enhance their growth (if they so choose).

I commit myself to stop feeding off on others' misfortune for my own elevation, when and as I interact with another in a supportive way, by stopping, breathing and asking myself what my starting point is. I ask myself if I am really listening to the other or not. I remind myself that how I see the person is not how he/she really is but just a perception, and that all of my suggestions for help are thus guesses as well. I remind myself that the healing process of another is not up to me but up to the other as the only one who can move anyone of us is ourselves.

I commit myself to realize I am worthwhile even if I didn't "save" anyone but myself.

I commit myself to focus on "saving" myself and to allow others to deal with their bullshit themselves, supporting and assisting others only in ways that do not compromise who I am.

Day 186: The healer character

26032013

This is a part of the relationship series I've been walking lately:

Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support

Day 178: Separation of genders

Day 179: The attraction fallacy

Days 180-181: The "safe zone" of intimacy

Day 182: Romantic gestures and fantasies

Day 183: SF on romance, part 1

Days 184-185: SF on romance, part 2

I have a healer syndrome. I want to heal those in need and be the rescue to the weak ones who cannot help themselves. This is not done simply out of common sense (the world is a wreck and help is needed) – it is done for self-elevation. I feel like I am doing something meaningful and giving myself a purpose when I help others, those in need.

Okay, so “the ones in need” is an interesting concept. When I was a teenager I found myself attracted to teenage boys younger than myself. I saw them to be more “innocent” than boys of my age – that they needed someone older and more “mature” to gently guide them. This was derived from my fear of men, because teenage boys to me represented males who had not yet been corrupted into scary and dangerous beings.

One group that falls into this category aside from teenage boys (men that are not yet scary/dangerous) is children. I get a kick out of being a supportive adult – it's not necessarily anything I do especially, but just the position and status of being “the wise one to turn to”. When I wish to see myself as “wise” and “enlightened” I overlook the practical reality which is that I am NOT wise nor enlightened or in any way “ready” to be a guide to others but am still way in the middle of my own process.

What I realized now is that when I stand as the “helper character” I actually look down on the people I'm helping. I see the challenges and shortcomings of others as something I can abuse to feel “more capable”, “more mature”, “more evolved”. Thus I do not want provide others actual support but just to comfort – and to comfort is to accept and allow another to be the way they are, to tell them they are “fine” the way they are, without ever addressing what they'd actually need to work on in themselves. Especially when I happen to see clearly what another is going through (or believe so) it is my responsibility to not let it slip by. Even if I was trying to actually support another but would be doing it from the starting point of self-elevation, I would be doing more harm than good.

So there's the side of practicality: if I at this moment can share my experience with another in a supportive and assisting way, so be it. If there is an actual need I will do what I can to practically help. This is what is required of us people, to be watchful of each other so that no one is abandoned in times of need, and I commit myself to practice being HERE in awareness so that I do not sleepwalk through the moments where action is required.

Then there's the side of non-practicality: not actually helping. This is when emotions/feelings/thoughts are wallowed in, when there's nothing but gossip and going along with the moods of another without question. This kind of interaction leads to nothing but stagnation as we accept and allow each other to live within our unresolved issues and repeat our patterns ad infinitum. This is not to nurture; this is not to support; this is actually to act against life.

And thus I commit myself to no longer use the weaknesses of others for my self-elevation – so that I could feel like a “saviour” - as I see, realize and understand that what really matters are the actual needs of others that I either can or cannot be of assistance in. This practicality of how I can help and if I can help is also important to consider: sometimes there are situations where I cannot do a thing, and that's when I cannot force myself to act as if I am helping or force myself to come up with some way to help simply because I want the status points for being a “helper”. That's when I need to direct the one in need towards someone/something I believe could maybe be of real assistance. I need to learn to let go of my ego in situations like this. I cannot help everyone – yet I am able to affect the well-being of everyone by living myself into a best possible human being who will build this world and not destroy it. This is what my focus needs to be in: myself.

An interesting facet of this is how I have manifested this within romantic relationships and how I have created relationships based on this point – which has obviously led to the relationship falling apart. When I have not been the needy/clingy/dependent one – the beggar – I have been “the helper” who “saves” helpless people from whatever pit they're lying in. This desire has lingered ever since my teenage years and is triggered every now and then, and it is fundamentally connected to my fear of men.