Days 222-223: Fear of committing myself to working with children

02-03052013

My decision to study education sciences and a recent commitment to a project/task concerning directing a group of children made me realize today that I am actually committing myself to work with children “for real” - that as I continue on this “path” I will be working closely with children and concerning children in long-term. I realized I am frightened by this. There is something in how I relate myself to children that needs to be sorted out.

Firstly, I know myself to be afraid of children. I have defined children as “those who see through the lies” and have become wary in their presence, wanting to please them and have their approval and of course not getting it because my fear has been obvious. As I have been working through my insecurity and the roles/characters I have used to “survive” interaction with children I have been able to actually make contact with children, which has been awesome, although I still have ways to go.

Another thing is that I perceive working with children to be a “tiresome” and “effortful” “burden” because activeness, openness and energeticness hasn't been a “natural” state of being for me – I have been more used to solitude and passiveness. The position of being the one to get others moving or to direct the movement of others has seemed like an awful lot of work. Every time I have been doing directing work – even though I have volunteered for it – I have faced a huge resistance to face the group and activate myself and others. I have often required a year in between directing projects to “recover”.

And one more aspect, although I recognize this to be an excuse, is that I am afraid of the responsibility of directing children, of being a person who intimately influences a somewhat helpless being. What I actually fear here is that the children will revolt and “not respect my authority”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that it is not in “my nature” to be active, open and in motion because I have been more comfortable alone, closed and passive, not realizing that my current state of being is simply the result of how I have lived my life so far and what I've gotten used to, and that this is in no way permanent or inherent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to stay within my solitary, introverted and passive state of being because it has been comfortable for me, not realizing that if I do not move beyond my comfort zone I will never expand nor change.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe it is “my nature” to be solitary, introverted and passive because it has felt comfortable, not realizing that it only feels comfortable because it is a “safe zone” I am used to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive comfort to mean that things are “how they should be”, never looking beyond my self-interest to see that my comfort results in the discomfort of many.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that things are “how they should be” when I feel comfortable, never mind the rest of the living beings in this reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive working with children to be “burdensome”, “tiresome”, “effortful” and “a lot of work” because it has required me to step out of my comfort zone, not realizing that walking myself out of old habits is not going to be a comfortable process as this expansion requires me to do things I am not used to and which feel new and strange to me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the discomfort of doing new things I am not used to as this has required active presence, adapting and learning and thus meant stepping out of my comfort zone of passiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist walking myself out of my old habits because that would mean I would no longer “get to” be within my comfort zone, not realizing that expanding myself means that my comfort zone will get wider and that what is now uncomfortable will no longer be uncomfortable in the future.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear letting go of what I am used to because I have feared changing into something that would no longer “have permission” to be passive – not realizing that as I change for myself the “old me” that wants to be passive will not be there in the future, and that I thus fear change because I believe my “future self” to want the same things as my “current/past self” - or rather use this as an excuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear committing myself to something “for real” because I feel like I would then be “tied” to doing something – not realizing that in order to get something done thoroughly, properly and carefully it is necessary to devote one's time and effort to one's task, because if not fully committed one is not giving one's fullest effort and is thus “half-assing” the task – and that this “tie” is not something one is forced to act upon but one that is willingly chosen.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being “tied” to working with children because I am not sure whether it's the right profession for me – not realizing that my doubts mainly occur from the discomfort I am hesitant to walk myself out of and the fact that I do not know what exactly I'm “throwing myself into”, not realizing that nor does anyone who has not yet lived their future (no-one!).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear making choices and living in the moment because I have feared that my choice will end up being a mistake, thus never making choices nor committing to anything, not realizing that by being afraid of possible future scenarios I stop myself from moving, and that the only way forward is through the uncertainty of not knowing – by living as certainty within and as breath.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear choosing the “wrong” profession, not realizing that if this would prove to be the case even after self-honestly looking at the problems/conflict I face within the profession – I could simply choose again and re-direct myself to do something else.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that there are no “right” or “wrong” professions – only choices of direction, re-habitualizing oneself and getting oneself familiar with the subject and the conduct of its field.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define children to be “those who see through dishonesty” and thus become afraid of them as I have known myself to be dishonest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself through my definition to see children as “more than” me as I have “given them power” to define me through their acceptance/rejection (defined myself according to my self-judgement as projected through others).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to please children by being something they'd “like” and “appreciate” because I have been afraid of their judgement.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to appear as something that I believe children will “like” and “appreciate”, thus living as a character instead of being myself, not realizing that I am wearing a mask to hide myself as I believe myself to not be “enough” to be liked.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that for people to actually see me and like me for who I am I need to show myself for who I actually am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want the acceptance of children because of the position I have placed them in, not realizing that this position is completely imaginary and within my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame children for being “scary” when in fact the position from which children “judge others” is completely imagined by me and that experiencing children as “scary” is thus wholly my responsibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive the self-honesty of others to be judgement towards me as I have seen myself reflected from others, felt ashamed of myself and, rather than facing myself, blamed my uncomfortable experience on others, believing others to be the cause of my experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a fear of children and avoid their presence because of the discomfort I experience in their presence – not seeing the discomfort as an opportunity to look into myself with self-honesty but rather seeing it as a threat to my current state of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be “bad with children” when I have failed to win their approval by appearing “likable”, not realizing that getting another's approval through appearances will not last even if it were to momentarily succeed and that this is not a constructive way of approaching children (or anyone).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself to be “bad with children”, believing myself to be inherently “incapable” of connecting with children, not realizing I am basing this belief on my dishonest approach to children the natural outflow of which is that my interaction with children is dysfunctional.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by interacting through appearances I create dysfunctional interaction as I do not stand as one with and equal to who I actually am in matter in the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when and as I stand separate from who I actually am in matter I will conflict with each end every being I face unless they are aligned with my dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear children because they are not aligned with my dishonesty and thus conflict with my dishonest state of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a worst-case scenario where children will “not respect my authority”, act against my direction and create chaos, seeing myself as a “failure” in the midst of this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to have authority with children as I have been trying to “win back” the “high position” I have assigned to children in my mind, trying to be “more than” children so that their perceived judgement would not touch me – not realizing this inequality of power to be completely imaginary and that I am trying to beat my fear with actions of fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to “save” myself from the judgement of children by claiming authority over them, not realizing I am actually just avoiding facing my insecurity and doing myself a disservice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exert power on children because I have been afraid of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse my authority position over children because I have been afraid of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want to control children because I have been afraid of them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to claim superiority over children because I have feared that if I didn't they would assume power to themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe interaction with children to be a power struggle which I have to win and am entitled to win “just because” I happen to have been born before them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to assume my perception of the “authority” of children to be true and never question this perception, thus positioning myself to children as if there was a battle to be fought instead of seeing children as my equals and interacting with them as my equals.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear treating children as my equals because I have perceived and believed there to be a risk that children would abuse this “moment of weakness” where I am not exerting my power to “keep them in check”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that there is a difference between abusing power and utilizing power.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive being stern in my consistent direction of children to be “too rough” on children and that they will end up disliking me, thus “softening” my approach to be “likable”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that giving into the desires of others is not the same as doing what's best for them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself in my search for the approval of children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be capable of directing and teaching children in a respectful yet steadfast manner – in a way that would not abuse children but also be effective.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid chances to learn to become a better director/teacher through trial and error as I have feared making mistakes, not realizing that mistakes are a part of all learning processes and that they are thus “OK”.

I commit myself to do my best in the directing project I will begin with children in September and to embrace this opportunity to learn new skills, work on myself and interact with different people.

When interacting with children, I commit myself to breathe and release myself of desires, fears and survival mechanisms and to lay myself bare within and as the realization that a child will see me for who I am whether I show it or not, and that it is thus useless to even try to hide.

I commit myself to stop “trying too hard” in the presence of children by stopping, breathing and becoming aware of the insecurity that drives me.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to move myself out of my old habits of passiveness and introvertedness when and as I direct a group (be it children, youth or adults) by resting myself upon my breath, allowing all tension to melt away from my muscles and engaging in eye contact with all participants.

I commit myself to look for myself in all the children I meet in order to realize we are as much human and as much alive and that in this we are absolute equals.