Day 400: Fear of being happy

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I realized today that I am afraid of being happy. I was talking to a friend and trying to explain how I have experienced myself and life lately, and when it came down to saying “I have simply been happy” I noticed a resentment towards making a statement like that. To break the moment down: there was an impulse/idea to express myself through the word “happy” - I reacted to the word with resentment – a push to say the words despite the resentment – followed by the fear of having made a mistake – followed by thoughts along the lines of “what does he think of me now”, “did I screw it up”.

When I stopped to think about this experience I realized that because I have grown used to thinking of life in polarities – the good and the bad – I am constantly both afraid of being unhappy (because it is unpleasant) and happy (because it always leads to unhappiness, which is again unpleasant). Because I have seen how the ups and downs of living life in autopilot always lead to each other, I have created an ideal and a desire to find the in-between, the equilibrium – a state of balance that would be neither here nor there. I realized that because of this goal I am afraid of any experience that is NOT bad (unpleasant), because I interpret them to be in the “good” end of the spectrum (red flag - “you're gonna crash!”, “this is not going to last!”), when in fact this might not be the case.

In my experience there are three ways to position oneself towards life and the experience thereof. One can either filter one's experience through the negative (pessimism, cynicism) or through the positive (optimism, hope) – or one can do neither, and simply take the reality in as it is (realism, pragmatism). I do not mean to place these three in any order, and I do not claim that the latter is the “best” way to live life – I have simply found through my own experience that it is usually the most real, genuine or honest way of living, and I do prefer truth over happiness, as focusing on the truth usually leads to solutions whereas focusing on happiness usually leads to compromises.

The dilemma that bothers me here is that what I have defined as the in-between/equilibrium is actually enjoyable – just not in the same way as the positive polarity. I interpret myself enjoying life as “bad” because I believe I should not be enjoying myself, that enjoyment is bad because if I enjoy myself I must be off-balance. This is a misunderstanding I need to correct. There is a clear difference between enjoyment and having my head in the clouds, so to speak – as well as there's a difference in experiencing pain and suffering. The equilibrium does not mean that I should not be experiencing anything at all, but that I simply experience the things I come across without holding onto them, without transforming them into mental scenarios, into rocks that I load onto my back, and instead allowing them to just flow through me as space flows through time. Perhaps to be in balance is to know how to bring myself down from the clouds as well as to pick myself up from the ditch.

I realize that the experience I now labeled as “happiness” has not been just pure enjoyment but that I have slightly gone to the positive end, and what I need to realize is that IT'S ALRIGHT – I don't need to panic, lol - “oh fuck, I'm gonna crash now?!” - lol – no, what I need to do now is simply to land gracefully from the heights. I can trust myself to handle myself well enough to not plummet back down.

And to be honest, I am not entirely sure how much of my happiness experience has been balanced and how much of it has been hype, precisely because of the resentment. I am probably looking at my enjoyable experiences through the resentment filter and seeing “bad” in them even though there would actually be none (or very little).

This dilemma of what kind of enjoyment is OK and what is not calls for an experiment:

• I commit myself to allow myself to enjoy life and self-expression without guilt.
• I commit myself to allow myself to use the word “happy” to express myself (because when I observe myself it is clear that I am living this word at the moment – no point in suppressing myself).
• I commit myself to observe and take note of any and all energetic sensations I experience in order to map out my happiness experience.
• I commit myself to not suppress any of the energetic sensations (feelings) I experience, but to instead live through them within and as breath.

Day 396: Resentment towards "love"

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Magical love rainbow beams oh god I just want to VOMIT

While reading through my last post about falling in love I realized how I was trying to distance myself from the concept of love in my writing, trying to make it appear as if “love” was something of lesser value and separate from me. I realized that this is a pattern I have had ever since childhood: I fear admitting to loving or liking someone. I have created a separation between myself and love, alienating myself from love, resenting it – thinking of it as a weakness. This is basically how I have felt myself when exposed in loving someone – weak and vulnerable – and so I have taken on that judgement towards all love, seeing all caring as “infatuation”. To protect myself I have taken an aggressively defensive approach towards the concept of love.

I've been examining this mindset in my habits for some time now. For example, I've had the habit of avoiding the people I like and waiting for them to come to me. I've realized that this is really backwards behavior: how would anyone know I want to approach them if I avoid them?! I have now been practicing for example allowing myself to show and express the fact that I enjoy the presence of someone or that I am happy about seeing someone.

But only now I am starting to see how this refusal of love extends a lot further than just some habits. It is fear of exposement, trying to appear strong and stoic, not realizing that exposement IS the only way of being unwaveringly stable, as then there are no weak spots left to be jabbed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my feelings of care, attraction, enjoyment, joy and enthusiasm (love) by thinking of them as “foolish” and “stupid”, not realizing that I have been distancing myself from these feelings because I have felt weak and vulnerable when experiencing them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that if my feelings of care, attraction, enjoyment, joy and enthusiasm are seen I will be ridiculed and thus hurt.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all this is actually circular reasoning:

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I only get hurt by the remarks of others if I accept and allow myself to take these remarks personally.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I had nothing to hide, I would not be afraid of others seeing who I am.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I showed myself to others, I would not have to fear getting hurt.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by hiding my feelings I sabotage myself by causing myself to be in a position where I will eventually get hurt as something of me gets exposed.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if I didn't hide myself, I would in fact be safe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that exposement is strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to learn to fear and hide my feelings by observing my parents.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to reinforce this pattern by succumbing to group dynamics in school where I took the role of the “quiet kid”, thus not expressing myself unabashed but rather letting others take the stage.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to lock myself into this position of not speaking / not expressing, not taking the chance to learn to express myself even when our family dynamics changed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a child to learn to hide my feelings because I experienced my family environment as “chaotic”, thus attempting to bring balance into my environment by denying my own experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to continue to hide my feelings in an attempt to avoid chaos/conflict as I haven't had a ready model on how to deal with it – not realizing that I am no longer a child and no longer have to fear chaos as I am not “at the mercy” of my environment but can in fact shape it through my own actions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that if there's chaos/conflict in my environment, I know how to deal with it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to know how to deal with chaos/conflict as I have forgotten to breathe.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe and thus lose my stability in challenging situations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I fear getting exposed, thus forgetting that getting exposed is not dangerous as I will remain here nevertheless.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to forget to breathe when I get exposed (by my own will or another's), thus getting stuck in the situation as the reaction of fear paralyzes me, not realizing that through breathing I could accept my exposement and stand within and as who I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by remembering to breathe and remaining HERE I also support others to remain stable when and as they expose themselves.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deny myself the experience of love.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear losing my status and image if I allowed myself the experience of love, not realizing that I am not actually afraid of my image breaking in the eyes of others but of my self-image breaking in my own eyes, wanting to be stoic and strong because this is the role I assigned for myself as a child per to my circumstances.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I don't have to be stoic and strong.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that self-suppression is not strength.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be embarrassed about using the word “love” as I judge love to be stupid, irrational, worthless and air-headed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the feelings, actions and motivations we compile under the word “love” - which differ from definition to definition – can in fact be beneficial, supportive, constructive, wise and worthwhile, and that it simply depends on how I choose to define “love” for myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent all concepts of love based on those that define love to be possessive, addictive, exclusive, irresponsible and a “mystery”, not realizing that this is not what “love” has to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love according to how it's portrayed in the mainstream world through stories and images.

• redefining the word 'love' for myself:
  • an act of good will considered upon what is the best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define love as a bundle of feelings when in fact love can only bear fruit when it is acted upon, not when it's just felt.

“Love, love is a verb

love is a doing word

fearless on my breath”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that simply breathing can be an act of love.

I commit myself to explore the word 'love' and the concept of love in my daily living.

• I commit myself to use the word 'love' to work my way through the resentment I have built against it.

I commit myself to support myself through my fear of exposement through breathing.

I commit myself to show myself love/care by reminding myself to breathe.

Now that I see, realize and understand that I am alive so that I could enjoy life with other living beings – enjoyment here not only meaning positive feelings but all learning experiences, be they more or less painful – I commit myself to take chances with other beings and take “leaps of faith” by exposing myself, thus showing and teaching myself that I have nothing to fear.

I commit myself to investigate my reactions to perceived criticism when I take things personally to lessen my fear of rejection/refusal.

Day 395: Mapping out the experience of "falling in love"

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Type "falling in love" into google image search, and you'll see just the other side of this coin.

I have recently been walking through the energetic experience many call “falling in love”. This has been interesting, because even though I have gone through this experience many times before, I have never before had awareness of how the experience is created, and thus I have always been “swept away” by it more or less.

First off, I am frightened about this experience, because I fear it will warp my relationship to the person the energy is directed towards. My experience so far has shown that every experience of love eventually turns into an experience of hate. I have ended up resenting every person I have “fallen in love” with – and god dammit, I do not want to resent this person, or anyone at all, I really don't want to create a relationship that is doomed to become charged with underlying negativity and fall apart. To build on the experience of “love” is to bring about the polarity at some point, and it would be irresponsible of me to just ignore it and “go with the flow”.

Secondly, I am a little overwhelmed by the massive energy build-up that I've accumulated through feelings, reactions, thoughts and imaginations. I can see the thoughts and fantasies when they're here, and I have been trying to map them out to see what need it is I am fulfilling in the thought/image. I haven't been writing any of them down, and this has made it more difficult to track what's going on. During my highest energy peaks I've been trying to teach myself to channel and release the energy and direct myself according to common sense, although here lies the risk that I am suppressing myself, which is no good either.

I realize that this energy build-up has already started many years ago when I have first met this person, and that now the circumstances have simply been favourable for acting upon it – I've thought to myself that I am “finally ready” to face this person. In a way this is accurate. I've come to realize that who I've believed the other to be is not in fact who he really is, because the image I've had of him has been shattering when I have changed my positioning within our interaction into one based on self-honesty (occasionally I am still scared shitless and play along with the usual social patterns on auto-pilot). So yes, in a way I have been “ready” to see him as he is. I used to react to him with a mixture of fear and awe, but with the image of him being replaced with knowing him as a human being both the fear and the awe have vanished. This hasn't decreased my affection, quite the opposite, it has simply brought me down to earth.

Having released those reactions, the “love” aspect still remains. I can see that it's an accumulation of energy that has been triggered in reactions I've had within our interaction – many small moments of “oh!” turning into a fucking fanfare. These reactions require precise mapping, because right now they're still a blur to me.

• seeing him (wanting his presence / fear of not having his presence) –> fulfillment / unfulfillment
• touching him (wanting acceptance/attention / fear of rejection) –> gratification / disappointment
• discussing with him (wanting to succeed / fear of failure) – looking for signs of approval –> success / failure

• reacting to opportunities: when the circumstances are right, seeing a storyline that could be fulfilled –> choosing to want/resent the outcome –> creating anticipation –> blocking myself with tension

There are probably many others, but these are the most basic ones I could find based on memory. I need to start paying attention to these reactions when they occur – not to suppress them (note to self) but to know myself and to direct myself according to who I reveal myself to be. Fuck, I still have a big issue with self-suppression, because on some level I still believe that I “shouldn't feel like this” or that I most definitely shouldn't act upon any of this. Some of the guilt aspects I have worked my way through, but some remain.

I don't believe I should be too hesitant, though. I can trust myself to see what I'm doing and if nothing else, to carry responsibility for the consequences of my actions, whatever they may be. I, like many others, fear making mistakes above all, and I haven't yet solidified the fact that as well as on other fields of life one learns through trial and error, so does one learn in relationships as well. I've already done some of the major mistakes and learned a lot, so I don't think I can fuck this up that badly, lol.

Continuing with self-forgiveness and with more mapping.

Day 344: Self-judgement curling me up

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These days I often get this feeling that I don't want to do anything at all but to sit down and entertain myself. I started to wonder how exactly I accumulate this experience, and I realized that HEY, this state of being is a symptom of something I accept and allow in myself. People don't “just become” unable to function out of physical tiredness: when one is physically tired after a long day, it can be slept off, but this “I don't want to do shit” -experience appears even when I am NOT physically tired and would have plenty of energy to do other stuff.

I noticed this just now when I had gotten myself onto my couch to scribble some nonograms and I realized that I had physically drawn myself into a very withdrawn position with my knees against my chest, head down, toes curled and breathing shallow. I looked at myself and thought: “what am I hiding from?”, and I remembered a moment of self-judgement just half an hour before and realized it had added on top of my weariness and become the catalyst for me withdrawing.

What else has happened during my day to make me want to hide and withdraw?

For the entire day I have been bothered by a discussion I had yesterday which I think did not go as well as it should have. I went through the topic of the discussion in writing, found certainty in my point of view and made a decision to return to the topic with the person involved, but I didn't realize that the reason I was bothered by this discussion was because I judged myself to have “failed” in the discussion because we did not end up in a clear solution / consensus. So this point of self-judgement has followed me and weighed me down all day.

I went to work in the morning and throughout my shift I noticed these small moments of self-judgement coming up. My morning shift includes cleaning up the bar, and unless I start early enough and work overtime, I might not finish the task before it's time to open up the bar – and when I “fail” this task, I judge myself, and it shows in how I treat the customers, because on some passive-aggressive level I take it out on them. Today that moment of self-evaluation was there, but because I had started work half an hour early and finished cleaning on time, my self-evaluation was positive and I tipped over to the other polarity where I was overly cheerful with all the customers.

However, there were other moments where I noticed stress coming up (I feel it instantly as tension in my shoulders) when I feared that I might “fail” a task. During morning shifts these moments usually come up when I have to leave the cash register unguarded to pick up some stuff from the storage, because I fear someone will come and rob the bar the very minute I turn my back, which would make my employers disappointed and angry with me and perhaps result in some legal consequences. So because there was a lot of stuff I had to pick up from the storage, these moments kept adding up to the feeling of “failure” that had already been gnawing me since last night. On top of that, right after I left work my employer gave me feedback about a mistake I had made with the register last week, and I thought of myself as “stupid” for being so careless.

It appears I really fear disappointing my employers (authorities). This links directly to my experiences with school: trying to do well to please the teachers and my parents.

In the evening I read a comment in the internet with which I judged myself as “stupid”. With this moment of self-judgement I instantly withdrew from the internet, curled up on the couch, watched a little TV and curled up even more to scribble because just sitting up straight felt too heavy. Interesting in retrospect to look at what I did, because it all happened without me having direct control over my doings – I was not directing myself at all, but moving as if on autopilot. It's as if the negative feeling within me (self-judgement, heaviness, smallness) was pulling me into this tense little ball, like a hedgehog defending itself from the world.

Fascinating. Tomorrow, self-forgiveness.

Day 332: Attraction, part 8 - refusal

 11102013

This post is a direct continuation to:

Day 328: Attraction, part 6 - intermission

Days 329-331: Attraction, part 7 - resentment

And a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

“The thing is, I fear getting too close to people whom I perceive to be “beggars” - looking for company out of dependency. These kinds of people I usually kindly turn away, and one of the guys from yesterday to me appears to be “one of them” - although I really can't say because I've only met him very briefly. I do not want to support anyone's addictions, and this is why I find this principle one that I will stick to, as long as I take care to not assume people to be what I believe them to be and to communicate myself properly to the other.”

I am now increasingly anxious about the person I am referring to here, because I agreed to meet him and simply the discussion on how we should meet has revealed some points about the both of us that I find worrying. For now I have been able to direct myself according to self-honesty, but it has required immense effort as I am not completely clear on where I stand and how to communicate that to another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that rejecting a person based on nothing but my initial feeling of resentment only serves my self-interest and does not support the other to understand the real reasons behind my refusal, not to mention I neglect my own process while doing so.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to reject another person based on my initial feeling of discomfort instead of refusing the proposal of another based on the incompatibility of our starting points at this point of time and space.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for rejecting another person, not realizing that it serves the benefit of the both of us to not direct our time and effort on something that most likely will not “work out” (become a platform of actual support for the both of us AND consequently benefit the rest of the world as well) and that in such a case where this seems likely it is reasonable to let go and move on.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have negative expectations about dating, not realizing that a meeting with a person doesn't have to be about “falling in love” (creating dependency) and “planning a future” (writing a story in one's head), but that it can in fact be utilized to map out the foundation each one's life stands on and to see if they would benefit each other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to consider canceling a date because of the meeting place the other suggested, not realizing that instead of escaping possible conflict I can actually direct the situation by communicating why I do not think the meeting place is good for our meeting and suggesting something else. [This is what I did after a long-ass struggle with myself, lol, and it worked out well.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear that when/as/if I refuse to keep meeting this person it will create a “disturbance” in the social structure we interact in – that we would feel uncomfortable in each other's presence – not realizing that this can be avoided (or at least I can do my share of preventing such a situation) through self-honest communication where the “air is cleared” and no points are left to accumulate under the surface.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not trust myself to be able to communicate myself properly in a situation that is loaded with expectations.

I commit myself to attend to this meeting from the starting point of mapping out the both of us.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to be clear with myself throughout the meeting by returning myself to breath and focusing on my breathing and grounding, thus slowing myself down, and by keeping track of any reactions/points that may occur during the meeting.

I commit myself to pay attention to my negative expectations (wanting to see the other in a negative light so that I would have an excuse to escape him) and to carry responsibility for them by ensuring that they are not the starting point for my actions and choices.

Days 329-331: Attraction, part 7 - resentment

This post is a direct continuation to:

Day 328: Attraction, part 6 - intermission

And a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

 07102013

“The thing is, I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's behind the resentment?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I am attracted towards a person I “should” approach him/her and that if I resent a person I “shouldn't” approach him/her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my feeling of attraction/resentment is a sign/proof/evidence of another person's compatibility/incompatibility with me, not realizing that what I feel within me is in no way directly connected to the qualities of another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that another person is responsible for my feeling of attraction/resentment, not realizing that I create the feeling whereas the other person only acts as a trigger to the patterns I live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify including in my life only those whom I feel comfortable with and excluding those whom I feel uncomfortable with, because I have believed and perceived that it is “natural” for people to be drawn towards some and pulled away from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by believing it is “natural” to like some and dislike others, I separate myself from this reality by refusing to include all kinds of people in “my world” - the subjective reality I create by piecing together my life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though it is very common for people to like some and dislike others, this is not how things ought to “naturally” be, as it creates rivalry, competition and separation and alienates people from the reality that withholds ALL kinds of people, not just the people that one finds pleasing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order for me to ever have a somewhat reliable and truthful view of the world, I need to interact with all kinds of people, because every single one needs to be considered when directing myself/the world towards a future that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the things I resent are outside of my comfort zone, which is an indicator of a lesson to be learned, an opportunity to expand my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace resentment as an opportunity for growth.

I am now thinking of a model of learning created by a russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky. He placed three circles inside each other and dubbed the innermost “Comfort Zone”, the second layer “Learning Zone”, and the third one “Panic Zone”. The point in the model is that when one is faced with suitably sized challenges, one will learn – and when the challenge is too big, learning becomes impossible. I am comparing my situation with this model and thinking whether or not these challenges are “too big” for me to handle and what kind of support I need to get through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent because I have focused on what I dislike about the person and used it as an excuse to stay within my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have reacted with fear to another person, to search for and focus on the “flaws” I find in the person and then use these “flaws” as an excuse to keep the person away from me – not realizing that I am actually running away from my fear, which I ignored in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and cover up the fear reaction that occurs in me when and as I create resentment towards another person.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I reacted with fear when X asked me out and that every thought I had about the situation from that point onwards was influenced by that fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent agreeing to go on a date with X because I believed my resentment to be founded on facts (who the other actually is), not realizing that my resentment is founded on excuses, assumptions and interpretations as I have only met the person a couple of times and thus cannot say that I have any real idea of who he actually is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that when X asked me out, my experience/thought was “oh fuck no, not him as well”, within that moment my perception of him collapsing and changing from neutral/friendly into one loaded with sex/relationshit/assumptions/fear/resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my attitude/approach to romantic interest that is fucked up, not the situation itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a person expressing their interest towards me with whatever means they have learned to be “appropriate” (i.e. asking me out for a date) is this person's self-expression and nothing personal towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened whenever someone expresses their interest towards me, feeling somehow obligated to not “hurt” them.

• A memory of couple dancing lessons from school (at the age of 13-14). We were told that if someone comes to ask you to dance, it is incredibly impolite to refuse. We were told that everyone should have that one dance, and after that it is OK to refuse to dance anymore. This felt suffocating to me because I imagined all the worst-case scenarios of having “creepy” and “disgusting” boys/men come over to me and me being obligated to dance with them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent dancing with people whom I have defined as “disgusting”, not realizing that my definition is based on the fear reaction I initially have towards these people, from which point onwards I search for their “flaws” and create resentment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the people I have defined as “disgusting” are not in fact disgusting but that my experience towards them is, and that therefore I cannot blame them for being disgusting but myself for creating that experience within myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the chance to face my own fears when and as I have been approached by people I have feared, resented and justified feeling disgusted towards.

--

08102013

I realize there are some words and terms that I am now reacting to. They are:

• date / dating (in finnish: treffit)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word “date” (“treffit”) to mean such an event where two people meet each other with expectations, hopes and wishes of romance, sex, intimacy, company and partnership, which makes them blind to what is actually HERE (who the people actually are) as everything within the meeting is filtered through the expectations, hopes and wishes – anticipation - making it impossible for the situation to end up in anything but disappointment or fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if I go on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone who has expectations, hopes and wishes about the situation, I don't have to position myself towards the situation in a similar manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I go onto a “date” (“treffit”) with expectations, hopes and wishes that are directed towards the other person, I am (indirectly) asking for the other to fulfill my desires, to feed my addiction, to be what I am not to myself – and that I am thus living as a beggar only caring about my self-interest and seeing the other as a “tool” to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a “date” (“treffit”) does not have to include expectations directed towards the other, and that instead I can go onto a date without expectations, with no desire, plan or a goal of what I would like to do with the person, and through getting to know the person create the interaction moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone whom I perceive and believe to be “begging” me for something (directing his/her expectations towards me) because I have felt like I am obligated to not “hurt” that person and that I am thus “powerless” in front of their desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that living according to a thought pattern where I cannot “hurt” the other by being honest and refusing to participate in their energy possessions, I make myself a victim of abuse. [This is how people get raped, for example.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “hurtful” experience of another is in fact created by the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry responsibility for “hurting people” when I have been honest and not participated in their romantic/lustful energy possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people getting disappointed because they might exert and blame their experience on me, and thus rather try and keep people from getting disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when another person reacts to their “energy train” hitting the wall and crumbling away, I am of most support to the person by keeping myself stable and NOT by giving into fear and trying to get their energy up and running again.

When and as I react with fear to another's disappointment (as expressed through anger, depression, spite etc.) - I stop, I breathe and I realize that the fear is a remnant of a thought pattern that is no longer functional. I realize that by giving into my fear and trying to “soften the blow” for the other I will only make the situation worse. I remind myself that by keeping myself stable and focusing on forgiving and releasing my own reaction I am of most support to the other as well as to myself. I focus on my breath and on my body, letting go of all tension that occurs. I allow the other to express their disappointment, and when/as/if they are done expressing themselves, I will move myself according to self-honesty.

--

09102013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even the people I am overwhelmingly attracted to do in fact have “flaws” that I pick up - they are not perfect as opposed to those I resent – but that I am too busy with my experience of “falling in love” to pay attention to and define them according to these “flaws” YET.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that each and every person has lessons to offer me as there are points in every person I react to with fear. [In theory I guess it's possible that those points might run out eventually, at least with some individuals, at least for a while.]

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I look at these dates I have now agreed to attend I have expectations myself, and that even though they are not positive expectations but negative ones (fear, standing back, keeping a distance, being wary, expecting the worst, being in escape mode, keeping an emergency exit, “what if things go wrong”) they do in fact influence my positioning in the situation – they are the polarity of positive expectations and carry the exact same amount of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for having expectations towards a meeting when I have had expectations all the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand that others take care of their shit so that I wouldn't have to deal with mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that these dates will “not go well”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that these dates will “not go well” because then I'd have an excuse not to face the fears the other triggers in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that when I invite Y to my house he will try to take advantage of the situation, not realizing that I base this expectation on who I believe him to be – the two-dimensional paper doll labeled “Y” I have painted within my mind – and not on who he actually is because I don't really know him all that much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter my perception of Y through the initial fear he triggered in me through some romantic gesture some weeks ago, thus ignoring all the “signs” that tell me he might as well be a decent person that I can trust to not be an abusive asshole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused, not realizing that I accept and allow abuse to happen throughout the interaction that leads up to the act of abuse by making myself less than who I am.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” because I have perceived and believed them to be a sign of the other having expectations, hopes and wishes towards me, not realizing that no matter the other's intentions these “romantic gestures” are only “romantic” if I believe them to be, and that in essence they are just actions: giving a “romantic gift” is just giving a gift, a “kiss on the hand” is just a kiss on a body part, “sweet-talking” is just giving a compliment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” just as I reacted to X's dating proposal: with my stance collapsing from neutral/friendly into negative expectations, “oh fuck he wants something from me”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if another person wants something from me I am somehow responsible for it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be burdened by other people's desires, not realizing that even if the desires are directed towards me I am still not connected to those desires – I am just the trigger for who the other one is as behavioral and mental patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “romantic gestures” are the self-expression of another, which is nothing personal towards me (even if the other personifies their feelings with their image of me) and that I do not have to participate in them in any way whatsoever if I so choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a “romantic gesture” as a sign of “who I need to / am expected to be” and not as an indicator of who the other one is.

I commit myself to participate in these dates aware of my own movements, not blaming my reactions on the other but bringing them back to myself.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stand clear within these meetings by focusing on my breath and taking note of any and all reactions that may occur.

I commit myself to expect others to be no less than the best they can be.

Day 328: Attraction - part 6 - intermission

07102013

This post is a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

I've been meaning to “wrap up” the attraction series by writing commitment statements on it, but something else relating to the subject has surfaced, and I need to write about it first to get some clarity.

Yesterday within the time span of 4 hours two people asked me out on a date and a third one expressed his interest. Now, because I have been very withdrawn and shy throughout my life I haven't really come across situations like this before (I've only had, like, ONE dating request per day, thankyouverymuch), so I have been surprised and confused about all this unrequested attention, especially because I have had feelings of attraction towards some other people I've met recently. The thing is, I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's behind the resentment?

I am asking myself: what have I done to “ask for attention”? Am I somehow sending a message that says “I'm available, come and get meeeeee”? Who have I been within the interaction with the people from yesterday – have I been sending cues?

I realize that with two out of three I have had fleeting thoughts of “what if” - in other words, I have considered them as possible partners if only for a little while. This, of course, can be picked up in my behavior. The thing is, with these guys I have already decided (based on the few encounters I've had with them) that I will not go into an intimate relationship with either one. But hang on, what exactly do I base this decision on? The resentment I have? Isn't fear what's behind the resentment? If so, why would I succumb to my fear and stay within my comfort zone? Isn't that precisely where I stagnate?

The thing is, I fear getting too close to people whom I perceive to be “beggars” - looking for company out of dependency. These kinds of people I usually kindly turn away, and one of the guys from yesterday to me appears to be “one of them” - although I really can't say because I've only met him very briefly. I do not want to support anyone's addictions, and this is why I find this principle one that I will stick to, as long as I take care to not assume people to be what I believe them to be and to communicate myself properly to the other.

Right, so long story short: in my surroundings there are people I am attracted towards and with whom I feel comfortable and “nice” all around – there's a positive excitement. And there are also people I have been approached by and who on some level do seem genuinely interesting – but not in the romantic, exciting, feelgood way. AND there's also people that I am even frightened of because of what I see of myself with them. My problem is, I don't how to “organize” my situation, so to speak – how to define all these people, what I do with them, what is “allowed” and all that. In other words: by going through what I have in these attraction series so far about polygamy, limitations, self-expression and fear of undefined relationships, I have actually summoned this situation upon myself. Lol, what a fucking challenge! Thanks a lot, me! Lol, no really, I am quite cool with this now that I'm somehow starting to grasp what's going on.

There are some specific points relating to this situation that I will go through.

• reaction to a romantic gesture: “did I insult him by not responding to his gesture?”
  • the “pleaser girlfriend” / “ideal girlfriend” persona – wanting the other to feel good and thus responding as I think I “should” respond
• accepting date requests – not being able to say “no”
• private writings on each person specifically
• resentment and fear
• plus others that emerge while going through what I wrote today.

Alright, I will continue tomorrow.

Day 309: Using “time” as an excuse not to face things

05092013

Continuing with a realization from yesterday.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse not to face things I have a resentment towards.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that “not having time” is the real reason I “cannot” do the things I resent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be dishonest with myself about the resentment I feel and believe it to be justified to escape the things I resent because I “don't have time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I am asked to do something I resent, to react to my resentment by saying “I don't have time”, refusing to have anything to do with it, expecting people to believe my excuse and to leave me alone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent a request to arrange a meeting to a group because I assume this group to not have any substance in their meetings – which I do not actually know as I have never been present – using “not having time” as an excuse with which to escape the situation and avoid voicing my disagreement about the group.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse to escape a situation I fear will turn into conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent a request to meet a person because I assume this person to want to see me out of addiction/dependency, thus using “not having time” as an excuse to escape having to communicate my doubts about this person's behavior to the person directly.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse not to communicate in self-honesty because I fear it will lead to conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent a request to arrange an event when at a meeting because I did not expect to be handed tasks and responsibilities when I went to the meeting – and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to agree to be in the organizing committee even though I knew I cannot take any more tasks or responsibilities due to my studies, as I did not want to tell the group directly that there's something more important to me at the moment and rather came up with a “back gate”, a plan B where I can later tell them indirectly that I can no longer participate because “I don't have time”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that “not having time” is a valid reason to drop out of projects mid-way and trust that others will thus not hold a grudge against me – that I will through this avoid conflict.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent attending any events organized by a group because I perceive the events to be based on escapism and entertainment, thus feeling relieved when I have a solid excuse not to participate (“I don't have time” because of studying) because with this excuse I can avoid voicing my point of view which I fear will trigger conflict.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait around for an excuse which will “save me” from doing things I don't want to do as I have not wanted to communicate directly and face the conflict that it might possibly arouse.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility to direct myself and my life by living in a compromise until something/someone comes up to “save me”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create a resentment towards chatting online with a person who is asking for my help because I have felt like chatting with him is wearing me out, as if I was carrying the mantle of “authority” or an “educator” during our discussions and thus draining myself by upholding a “higher” position, therefore reacting to his attempts to contact me by thinking “not again”, “I don't have time for this” and sometimes ignoring his attempts.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make these discussions tiring for myself by not wanting to explain myself many times (refining and simplifying my words time after time so that the other would understand) as I have believed and perceived that my effort is in vain as our discussions “lead nowhere” and that the other is “not getting it”, not realizing that I do not see the actual process he is going through and thus cannot really make an assessment of whether he is “getting it” or not – and that through this process of explaining, refining and simplifying – which requires great effort from me – I am actually learning A LOT precisely because it is painful, uncomfortable and requires me to push over and over again.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent discussing with this person because it requires me to step out of my comfort zone and to justify avoiding this person by thinking “I don't have time”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use “not having time” as an excuse to avoid facing conflict and stepping out of my comfort zone.

When and as I see myself using the phrase “I don't have time for X” I stop, I breathe and I ask myself if this is really true – if in fact my schedule is full - or if I am just saying this to avoid doing something. I ask myself: why do I not want to do X? I investigate the point (in writing if necessary) and I release it with self-forgiveness and breathing. I then proceed within and as the realization that only by stepping out of my comfort zone and going towards that which I resent I expand myself and my reality.

I commit myself to investigate my fear of conflict and how it links to practical application (or the lack of it).

As I see, realize and understand that time alone is not a real reason to do or not to do things – because schedules can always be rearranged as they are not “set in stone” but created in our conceptual realities – I commit myself to no longer use and present “not having time” as a reason for doing/not doing things but to seek for the real reason why I will/won't rearrange my schedule for something/someone and to communicate this actual reason to the ones involved.

To support the commitment above, I commit myself to communicate my actual reason for “not having time” even when/as/if I am not specifically asked for a reason, as I see, realize and understand that people have a tendency to assume a reason and to believe their assumption in complete silence – which, if not actively corrected right away, may have consequences in the long run. In other words: I commit myself to not accept and allow myself to use this “silent agreement” to avoid communicating the things I fear voicing.

Days 304-305: The fallen, the homeless, the disappeared

30-31082013

One day I was waiting for a bus and I started talking with a homeless man. He told me that he had three adult children which he had not seen since their childhood (the youngest had been around 5 when he “disappeared” from their lives), and that the children did not know where he is and he did not know where his children are. This made me think of all the people I've met who have told me that either one of their parents has “left” when they were young and that they have not seen this parent ever since. I was looking at the homeless man in front of me and realizing: He is one of those “missing fathers” – but he is here, he exists, he is not missing. Somewhere in this world his children are wondering what their father is doing, if he's still alive, why he left without an explanation, wanting to meet him, maybe, if only once more – and here he sits on a bench without a home and a family, regretful, hopeless and suicidal.

At the end of the conversation I shook his hand, and I was surprised by how warm and clean his hand was.

The self-forgiveness here is what I have processed for many years, so not all of it applies to who I am at the moment; some of this I have outgrown already. The behavior of the other people in the situation reminded me of these points and I wanted to write them out to be clear with myself, and also to not judge others for being resentful of homeless people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homeless people – the people on the streets – have once “had a life” from which they have now fallen, and that they have not been born into a life on the streets. (This is very uncommon in Finland as far as I know; in other places people are in fact born into slums and extreme poverty.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accuse homeless people for causing their own downfall, not realizing that this society has basically offered them no choice due to lack of support (education, resources, tools) for them, their parents, their grandparents and so forth, this lack of support throughout generations resulting in a person “falling” from society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homelessness is a consequence of who we are as a society.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent homeless people because I perceive them to be dirty, not realizing that they are not dirty out of their own will but because they have no place to wash themselves in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that homeless people are lazy, not realizing that they are not offered chances to do things NOR the mental and physical support they would need to outgrow what the previous generations and our current society have passed on to them (i.e. addictions, powerlessness, self-abuse).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that people end up on the streets for various reasons, loss of income, loss of family and loss of sanity only being a glimpse into why someone might not have a home.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear homeless people because I have believed they might attack me out of jealousy, bitterness and spite – not looking into myself to see if I give them a cause to attack me, if I in fact create separation between us.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore a homeless person talking to me because I have wanted them to leave me alone and go bother someone else as I have feared they might attack me if I paid attention to them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize how immensely rude and arrogant it is to ignore another person who is trying to communicate with you.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by ignoring another person I tell them they are “invisible” to me – that they do not matter to me – that they are not one with and equal to me; I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not recognize homeless people as LIFE – not realizing that while doing so I separate from myself what a homeless person represents and thus make myself less than LIFE as well.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and keep homelessness out of my life because I did not understand what it was and why it existed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent homelessness because homelessness represented losing and death, a worst-case scenario, and I feared I would end up like the homeless people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not want to see that which I fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homeless people have all had mothers and fathers, they have all been children, they have (mostly) went to school (at least in Finland), that they are people who have been born, grown up and lived just as I have, but that somewhere along the way because of how they were raised, how they were taught and how they were supported they fell out of the society – which is a phenomenon that tells me there is something wrong, because we shouldn't have a society from which you can fall out of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from homeless people as human beings and as beings of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept homelessness as an inevitable phenomenon that is a part of our society – not realizing that this is not the kind of a society I wish to create, build and uphold, and that a society is what the people make of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that homelessness is a consequence of inequality and separation among human beings in thought, speech and action, and that it is thus not inevitable / unrepairable because I have seen that equality and unity in thought, speech and action – in who people are and live as – are in fact possible because this is in alignment with the physical reality, the equality and oneness of all physical matter being absolute.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge people who resent the homeless because I see myself to be “better” than them as I do interact with the homeless – not realizing that by thinking I am doing something “noble” by talking with the homeless I am feeding my ego and living as arrogance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think of the homeless as “lesser people” who need to be “given” mercy and kindness from the above, as if my time and effort was somehow precious and special and not commonsensical – that which needs to be done.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to elevate myself above the homeless because I have not fallen from the society - according to the rules of the game, I am still playing – not realizing that the game of survival only exists within the human minds and that if I believe the game to be real I lose touch of the physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the reason I am in a more fortunate position in the society than the homeless is because of arbitrary factors, not because I'd “deserve” it or be somehow entitled to it, and that I am in fact one with and equal to the homeless people because they are beings of LIFE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge others for resenting the homeless because I have not wanted to face my arrogance and wanted to make someone else the “bad guy”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with anger to people who resent the homeless, because in them I see my own fear and helplessness.

When and as I see myself reacting to a person resenting homeless people by getting angry and wanting to show them an example of how to treat them better – I stop, I breathe and I realize that if I do this through anger or even slight irritation I am not focusing on what's best for the homeless person – I might not hear a word they say – as I am only concerned with my own behavior and how I appear to other people. I realize that my reaction of anger is triggered as I see my own fear and helplessness reflected in the person resenting the homeless, which I then exert and blame onto the other. I realize that if I would act from this starting point of anger I would not be helping anyone, as the homeless would not be heard, I would feed my ego and the other would witness an example of how to appear selfless, not how to actually be selfless. Therefore, I stop and I breathe, and I release the anger from me through self-forgiveness and breathing. I ground myself back into the physical. I move my focus into the homeless person ad ask myself: what does he/she need? I proceed with action from this perspective.

I commit myself to study and investigate how homelessness / falling out of the society as a phenomenon could be prevented in the field of education and child care.

I commit myself to continue to interact with the homeless / the fallen within and as the realization that even though I cannot save the world one homeless at a time (ego point – the savior) I will learn from the interaction and grow towards finding a real solution to inequality.

I commit myself to check my starting point when and as I interact with the homeless / the fallen and to thus make sure I am not approaching them through a high status.

I commit myself to interact with the homeless / the fallen without the assumption that their life is and has always been pure suffering, thus eliminating pity from my approach as pity often makes me blind to the mistakes the other had done.