Today my mother wanted to show me a
movie. It was Into the wild (2007), a story of a backbagger
who ends up dying in the wilderness. I watched it and I enjoyed it as
a movie, but the interesting thing was that I didn't see the point of
the film to be what my mother saw it to be.
She is living up to her position as a
mother by being really concerned about my backbagging trip and giving
me last-minute advice. She wanted me to see the movie so that I would
see how badly a trip can end up. What I saw in the film was a young
man escaping himself and refusing to forgive, believing society to be
evil and happiness to be found outside of it – and the consequence
of his escapism, which was a painful and lonely death in a desert. My
mother, however, sympathized with the parents' pain and focused on
the “unfairness” of the man's death – her own fears emphasized
so that she was blind to who I am in fact: I would not go into a
desert in search of stability from “beyond” a “corrupt
society”, nor would I blame and spite the world for being
“dishonest”; my motive for traveling is not the same as the movie
character's; I am not the “backbagger character”.This shows me
again how little people actually know each other but rather assume
another to be who one perceives the other to be.
So I found it difficult to deal with my
mother being worried. At first I noticed a reaction to laugh at her,
to undermine her, to show her that her fear is “ridiculous” and
that she has nothing to worry about. But then I realized this
approach would not help at all. If another is afraid and wants to
share this fear with me, it would be constructive of me to accept the
self-expression of another, to actually listen, to try and see what
it is that the other actually fears, how is it the other is trying to
cope with this – and from there provide perspective and assistance.
When I laugh at the worries of another I refuse to take them
seriously, which means I am afraid to face these worries myself. My
mother fears I will kill myself with my “adventuring” - and so do
I. This fear is something I do not want to show to those who worry
for me, because I fear they would not let me go – that they would
say “see, you're not ready to do this!” and force me to not go. I
fear that my fear would be used as a validation of another's fear,
and I do not see myself able to resist the pressure that would follow
this act of “fueling the flame”. But all of this is a
justification to not face my fear.
I see I have treated my mother
unfairly. She even approached me with questions with which she was
trying to understand my point of view. Instead of listening to her I
held onto my “daughter character” and distanced myself from her.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to judge my mother for being worried and blame her
for the discomfort I experienced as I reacted to her behavior.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame another for my reaction and its
consequences, refusing to carry responsibility for my own
self-accepted and -allowed movements as I have believed that if a
mother worries/nags/gives advice it is her responsibility if her
target feels uncomfortable – not realizing I am not looking at the
mother's perspective at all, only concerning myself with the
discomfort of the target and not the fear that is moving the mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to create a scenario/form/pattern in my mind where
[a mother] commits the action [worrying] by [talking to a child] to
which [the child] reacts with [discomfort] which is [the mother's
fault] – not realizing that this pattern has been created in my
childhood where I have not been able/willing to carry responsibility
for my own reactions to my mother and where I have been unable to
empathize with my mother AND where I have received no proper support
to develop these traits – which means that by living according to
this old pattern I am holding onto my childhood helplessness which is
by no means valid anymore.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to my mother being worried because I feel
like her worry is judgement towards me stating “why do you make me
feel worried; stop making me feel distressed over you”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive and believe that when/as my mother
expresses her worry over me she is demanding me to make her
experience stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to feel burdened because I have felt responsible
to stop my mother's experience of worry.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that I am not responsible to stop
any experience another person has because I do not have the power to
direct another being's inner experience without their permission –
although I do have the responsibility to assist and support others
when/as I am able to.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not realize that even though I am responsible
to assist and support my mother according to my best ability when and
as she expresses her need of help to me, I do not need to push myself
to be a “hero” or a “savior” and to try and be something
“more” by helping others, and that “the best I can do” here
means that I interact with the other within/as/through self-honesty,
not that I make her experience visibly stop.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to burden myself with the responsibility to help
others when help is asked for by not realizing that supporting and
assisting others only requires self-honesty – nothing “more”,
no superpowers – and that the lack of immediate visible “change”
in the other as the result of my self-honest support does not
necessarily mean that my support has not affected the other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to not trust that me living and interacting within
and as self-honesty is enough to support and assist others as I have
believed and perceived that helping others has to be a big effort.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to react to my mother's worry by laughing at her
and belittling her fear, thinking “this is so typical of her”,
perceiving her to be but a stereotype of a mother and blinding myself
from seeing who she actually is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to refuse to look at the fears and worries my
mother was presenting to me because I did not want to face these
fears in myself.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to avoid facing my mother's fears and worries
because I knew I had no way to “explain them off” - I had not
faced and walked these fears and thus my options were to give excuses
and live as a “certainty character” or to face them then and
there and “lose my face” (drop the character I was wearing).
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear “losing my face” (falling out of
character) with my mother because I have wanted to present an
appearance of certainty so that I could not be judged.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive and believe my mother's worry over me
to be judgement.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to take it personally when my mother expresses her
concern for me, interpreting this to mean she thinks I am “unable
to survive”, fearing I am “not good enough” and taking this as
judgement – judging myself through the eyes of another.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that my mother will not allow me to be
independent and “free” if she perceives me to not be ready for
it, here holding onto my idealized perception of “freedom” which
I fear will be taken away from me – not realizing that all of this
is a character built out of the remnants of my teenage self.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to live as the teenager I once was by activating
my “daughter character” in the presence of my mother.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear I will hurt or kill myself during this
trip I am having because I perceive and believe “the world” to be
“malicious” and “dangerous”.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to blame “the world” for being “malicious”
and “dangerous”, believing that “the world” has the power to
hurt me arbitrarily, not realizing that even though the world is vast
and inhabits a lot of people who may do plenty of hurtful things, I
am not helpless within it – I am a part of this world and construct
it along with the rest of us – and that my participation and
application within this world affects the course of events that my
life becomes in this moment of breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to see myself as helpless to affect the course of
events that is my life.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that I will not find accommodation for a
night and that I will face trouble on the streets as a consequence,
thus creating an emphasis on getting accommodation so that I would be
“safe” and stressing for not having accommodation, not realizing
that even if I were to spend a night on the street I would be able to
affect my circumstances in such a way that I would survive and not
face trouble by stopping, breathing and assessing my situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that my belongings will be stolen during
the trip, making myself reliant on the familiar things I bring with
me from home, not trusting that other people would help me survive –
not realizing that even if others were to not help me right away I
would receive help eventually, and if not, I would suffer and die as
an example of the human kind's ignorance towards each other.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to fear that other people will treat me with
violence and abuse when I am traveling as I have felt uncertain
without a similar social, societal and cultural “safety net” I
have at home, fearing that I will be dismissed because I am a
foreigner - not realizing that for my part I can affect the
interaction I have with people by not separating people into
“foreigners” and “natives” and simply seeing people as people
as equals.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to make my sense of security and stability reliant
on the cultural, social and societal environment I live in and thus
create worst-case scenarios of situations where I do not have this
“safe” environment around me, not realizing that “the world out
there” in fact is not “unsafe” - my stance within it is.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to perceive the world outside of my familiar
environment to be “distant”, “separate”, “out there” and
“far away”, not realizing that with this I distance myself from
the Earth that is in fact the same matter everywhere and its
inhabitants that are of the same Life everywhere.
I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to separate myself from the Earth and its
inhabitants by perceiving the world outside of my “comfort zone”
to be “different” when in essence it isn't different at all.
I commit myself to stop diminishing my
mother as if she was just a “mom stereotype” by stopping,
breathing and releasing myself of the arrogant “daughter character”
when and as it surfaces, and I commit myself to write more about this
character as I now see, realize and understand it to be abusive and
built out of fear.
When and as I resist listening to my
mother, I stop, I breathe and I realize I am refusing to listen to
her out of habit and fear. I stabilize myself in breath and if
possible take a small break from the interaction to stabilize myself.
I look at what her words trigger in me with self-honesty: what do I
fear? What am I avoiding? I reconsider my mother's words from her
point of view. I return to the interaction stable in breath and live
out possible corrections by speaking up, admitting my mistakes and
asking questions.
I commit myself to realize that I am
not obligated to help others, but responsible to not ignore need when
it is apparent to me.
I commit myself to realize that it is
OK to change my direction within an interaction in just one breath by
i.e. “falling out of character” as there is no requirement that
if a direction has been taken it has to followed to the ugly end. [I
faced this point today within another interaction – will expand on
this.]
When and as I travel, I commit myself
to return myself to breath whenever I notice myself falling out of
breath, thus stabilizing myself and assisting and supporting myself
to see the world as it in fact is: same matter, same Earth, same
species of life all around. I realize that all cultural differences
are agreed upon and that, no matter how real they seem, they are not
in fact real and can be challenged on an individual level face to
face with others, if not with everything I do. I commit myself to pay
“respect” to others – not through fear of insulting others, but
as an act of lived-out equality and oneness.
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