Day 366: Reconstructing femininity - softness as a strength

09122013

I've had issues with femininity for as long as I can remember. I have gathered from photographs that as a small child I enjoyed dressing up in princess costumes mainly under the influence of my sister, but this phase passed by the time I went to school. I wore very practical clothing, I valued intelligence, I resented girly pastimes like gossiping, I didn't like the way girls interacted with each other (mainly because I was bullied – I never saw the positive side of femininity).

This point comes down to my mother and her mother (and possibly all the women down the line). My mother's mother married man who – possibly under the influence of war – became violent, aggressive and unpredictable. This is seen in my mother, who has always been meek, compliant, vulnerable and emotional. Her emotionality has been introverted, collapsing inwards and occasionally exploding outwards, as if she has been afraid of letting her emotions show. She has trouble standing up to people (including herself) and looks for fault in herself. When my parents broke up a few years ago, she had immense trouble facing my father and discussing the matter. Looking at her life, she appears to have preferred men who show a clear male dominance which she can submit to. She has little belief in her own skills and talents and needs a lot of encouraging.

Now, keep in mind that my description of my mother is the way I perceive her. She might describe the same things completely differently. The point of me describing her is to map out who I am, who I have been, where I have grown up, what burden of the past I perceive myself to carry – and what points exactly I am working on and why. All of what I described of her above are the qualities I adopted from her while growing up under her influence; what happened as I see it.

My mother was also a prime example of the positive sides of femininity – caring, compassion, support, communication – but they were overshadowed by the negative, at least for me. My sister has told me she always appreciated our mother's example and she grew up to be prominently feminine, so we have experienced her and taken influence from her differently, probably because we were born 9 years apart. I am guessing her self-suppression had accumulated and developed by the time I was born.

So, many issues have spawned from this. I have been insecure, introverted and extremely fearful. I have developed a fear of men, which has had far-stemming consequences, such as a physical inability to have sex, which I have worked on consciously for some years now. (I recently realized that this manifestation in the flesh may come from really far: for all I know my mother herself could have been conceived as a result of violent sex, knowing the character of her father.) My fear of men has developed into hatred and bitterness. I have been very shy around people. I have been constantly concerned about being accepted by others, because I had no sense of self-worth without external validation. I have been largely unable to communicate because I have had a paralyzing fear of being exposed and judged. Paralysis, all in all, is what it has been: an all-encompassing state of tension.

The reason I am writing about this (again) is because I am getting closer to, well, how to call it, a “breakthrough” of sorts. Through practical application I have been able to approach and interact with men who trigger the fear of men in me through their somehow apparent “masculinity” - a profound “maleness” in some part of their presence and/or expression. I have previously had a panicky need to protect myself from masculine expression by becoming masculine myself, be it through speech, movement, behavior or tone of discussion, or simply by distancing myself or completely escaping from the person. I am starting to reach a point where I can locate my breathing in the middle of this reaction, thus stopping my defense mechanisms, and where I can begin to explore how to “take in” masculinity – how to be the feminine counterpart – how to let go, give in, submit. To use sex as a metaphor, I once read somewhere that whereas masculinity is about pushing in and penetrating, femininity is to wrap oneself around the penetrator. It is this duality between hardness and softness that I am fascinated by, because I have never learned how to be soft. To survive in a male-dominated world I have hardened myself, metaphorically and literally.

I am glad that I have now had opportunities to investigate this point in action – although it's not surprising at all, as we summon that which we are ready for. I am dancing around the edges of my comfort zone and it is exhilarating and nerve-wrecking a the same time, lol. I think self-forgiveness on the topic would support me with the practical application, so that's what I'll do next.

Day 343: Facing myself within the fear of men

28102013

"Lean on me" by Susan Lyon

I have recently become involved in a new relationship, and it is still in the process of taking form which is why I will not go into details on it yet. It has been a pretty dominant experience for me during the past few weeks and I am now starting to see what I have been going through when facing this new person – or more accurately, who I am with this person.

When I met this person I was both attracted to him and extremely scared of him. There was nothing about him that would have required me to be cautious, which is the purpose of fear as a survival mechanism: he was not dangerous, malicious or abusive. The reason I was (and still am a little bit) afraid of him is because of a stereotype of men I connected him to upon my first impression of him, and also because of what I see of myself when I am with him. In his presence I am faced both with the absurdity of judging people by who they appear to be and with the boundaries of my current comfort zone.

Because of the stereotype in my mind – which I have compiled as a result of my past experiences with men – I was at first suspicious of him and cautious around him, which basically manifested as an all-over tension in my body and a lack of relaxed breathing. When I interacted with him this became more and more obvious to me because within the interaction I was getting constant feedback and support, both verbal and non-verbal. I had to face the fact that this person was showing me his trustworthiness and exposing himself to me while I was being reserved and judgmental out of fear.

A while back I was writing about a core question that had arisen in me: who am I with others? I have noticed that there isn't really anyone I would be entirely relaxed with – the kind of relaxed that I am alone at home without the fear of anyone seeing me – and I realized that I am starting to approach a point in walking myself out of introversion where I am going to have to write this shit out in detail and apply it in practice. However, for now I have not done so, at least not as effectively as I could have. It may be because I am currently living alone and also haven't been in a partnership with anyone for a year: I have not had that stable and consistent platform for feedback and support that helps immensely in self-development. My situation is currently changing from having no intense support to having plenty of it (more on that later), and I think that this is a prime opportunity to start focusing on the personalities I utilize to protect myself within social conduct.

A personality I have come across is one that I call the “happy persona” - a state of being where I hesitate sharing my troubles, worries and challenges and rather portray myself to be joyous, successful and trouble-free. I will begin walking this point with self-forgiveness in posts to come.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge X to be “just another man” after nothing but sex because he was straightforward, handsome and appeared confident.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that men who are straightforward – directly addressing what is going on instead of tip-toeing around the issue – are only interested in self-satisfaction (getting what they desire as fast as possible), not realizing that I have created this interpretation based on a few past experiences where some men have approached me with the purpose of having sex with me, as well as on the image of men as sexually predatory which the society and culture I grew up in has taught me – and that the reason I avoid straightforward men and gravitate towards shy men is because shy men feel “safe” to me whereas straightforward men feel “dangerous” - not realizing that this “gut feeling” of mine doesn't actually say anything about the actual intentions about the people: the shy guy might as well be looking for someone to manipulate while the straightforward guy might be sincerely interested in other people.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that good-looking men are bound to be assholes because their looks “must have” provided them with so much popularity that they have become self-centered – not realizing that this is yet another stereotype I have created based on a few real-life examples (completely ignoring the good-looking people who have turned out incredibly humble) and on the character of the “handsome douche” that is everywhere in the pop culture.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “good looks” - no matter how normative – are subjective, and that “good looks” is not an asset that would work for the benefit of a person anywhere universally, and that therefore I cannot assume that a person has “had it good” just because of how their face and body is shaped because I don't know what kind of a life they have actually lived and how they have experienced it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that confident men are abusive because they are often assertive whereas I have been passive and easy to comply.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge confident men as “abusive”, not realizing that I am actually afraid of them because I perceive myself to be “powerless” in front of their assertiveness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself in the position of “the abused” and blame another for “abusing” me when in fact I have done nothing to become assertive and self-directed myself and then complied to the assertiveness of another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel threatened by the confidence of another because I have felt like I am “losing” in comparison to the other – not realizing that what I perceive as “confidence” might not even be confidence and that the person might actually be just as scared as I am.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to seek for “safety” from shy men who have not been confident, assertive and/or straightforward because with them I have not had to develop my confidence, assertiveness and straightforwardness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not give X a chance to show me who he really is / myself a chance to see who he really is because it was easier to defend myself with the stereotype of a “non-trustworthy man” (“stay away form this guy bad news bad news!”).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not admit to myself that my assumptions and first-impressions about X were influenced by fear and that my view of him was distorted from the start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to approach a person through fear, manifested as tension in my body, and then blame the other for “coming too close” when and as I have been faced with my own fearful and tense state of being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear when another has challenged my belief on how social situations “should be” conducted: when, where and how are which actions “allowed”.

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[Cut out some personal SF that went into more detail on the beliefs that were challenged. The conclusion I came to was that when I believe that certain forms of self-expression are "not allowed" in social conduct until enough time has passed and an appropriate sense of "trustworthiness" has been established, I support myself to assume the worst out of everyone I do not yet know "well enough" - which is the majority of all the fucking people on this planet - and consequently give myself permission to be reserved and limited with everyone who hasn't made it into my "inner circle".]

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear expressing and exposing the fact that I am excited and happy about this new person being in my life and the opportunities this situation opens up.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear exposing my excitement because I have wanted to remain “above” the situation by appearing “cool”, not realizing that this is yet another defense mechanism I use to protect myself from abuse – not realizing that I will not protect myself from abuse by distancing myself from people and suppressing my interest towards people but by not living as the compliant, passive victim I have gotten used to being.

When and as I am with X, I commit myself to focus on my breathing as much as possible to stabilize myself and thus assist and support myself to notice and face my own reactions, feelings, emotions and thoughts.

I commit myself to write about the points that arise within interaction with X.

I commit myself to utilize this opportunity to practice self-honest communication by not accepting and allowing myself to hide myself from X and by instead sharing my experience in its entirety without sugar-coating. (Quite awesome that he supports me in this!)

I will continue with the “who am I with others” personality point in posts to come.

Days 329-331: Attraction, part 7 - resentment

This post is a direct continuation to:

Day 328: Attraction, part 6 - intermission

And a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

 07102013

“The thing is, I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's behind the resentment?”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if I am attracted towards a person I “should” approach him/her and that if I resent a person I “shouldn't” approach him/her.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that my feeling of attraction/resentment is a sign/proof/evidence of another person's compatibility/incompatibility with me, not realizing that what I feel within me is in no way directly connected to the qualities of another person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that another person is responsible for my feeling of attraction/resentment, not realizing that I create the feeling whereas the other person only acts as a trigger to the patterns I live as.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify including in my life only those whom I feel comfortable with and excluding those whom I feel uncomfortable with, because I have believed and perceived that it is “natural” for people to be drawn towards some and pulled away from others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by believing it is “natural” to like some and dislike others, I separate myself from this reality by refusing to include all kinds of people in “my world” - the subjective reality I create by piecing together my life experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though it is very common for people to like some and dislike others, this is not how things ought to “naturally” be, as it creates rivalry, competition and separation and alienates people from the reality that withholds ALL kinds of people, not just the people that one finds pleasing.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order for me to ever have a somewhat reliable and truthful view of the world, I need to interact with all kinds of people, because every single one needs to be considered when directing myself/the world towards a future that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the things I resent are outside of my comfort zone, which is an indicator of a lesson to be learned, an opportunity to expand my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not embrace resentment as an opportunity for growth.

I am now thinking of a model of learning created by a russian psychologist Lev Vygotsky. He placed three circles inside each other and dubbed the innermost “Comfort Zone”, the second layer “Learning Zone”, and the third one “Panic Zone”. The point in the model is that when one is faced with suitably sized challenges, one will learn – and when the challenge is too big, learning becomes impossible. I am comparing my situation with this model and thinking whether or not these challenges are “too big” for me to handle and what kind of support I need to get through them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear interacting with the people I resent because I have focused on what I dislike about the person and used it as an excuse to stay within my comfort zone.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have reacted with fear to another person, to search for and focus on the “flaws” I find in the person and then use these “flaws” as an excuse to keep the person away from me – not realizing that I am actually running away from my fear, which I ignored in the first place.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and cover up the fear reaction that occurs in me when and as I create resentment towards another person.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that I reacted with fear when X asked me out and that every thought I had about the situation from that point onwards was influenced by that fear.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent agreeing to go on a date with X because I believed my resentment to be founded on facts (who the other actually is), not realizing that my resentment is founded on excuses, assumptions and interpretations as I have only met the person a couple of times and thus cannot say that I have any real idea of who he actually is.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore the fact that when X asked me out, my experience/thought was “oh fuck no, not him as well”, within that moment my perception of him collapsing and changing from neutral/friendly into one loaded with sex/relationshit/assumptions/fear/resentment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that it is my attitude/approach to romantic interest that is fucked up, not the situation itself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a person expressing their interest towards me with whatever means they have learned to be “appropriate” (i.e. asking me out for a date) is this person's self-expression and nothing personal towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel burdened whenever someone expresses their interest towards me, feeling somehow obligated to not “hurt” them.

• A memory of couple dancing lessons from school (at the age of 13-14). We were told that if someone comes to ask you to dance, it is incredibly impolite to refuse. We were told that everyone should have that one dance, and after that it is OK to refuse to dance anymore. This felt suffocating to me because I imagined all the worst-case scenarios of having “creepy” and “disgusting” boys/men come over to me and me being obligated to dance with them.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resent dancing with people whom I have defined as “disgusting”, not realizing that my definition is based on the fear reaction I initially have towards these people, from which point onwards I search for their “flaws” and create resentment.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the people I have defined as “disgusting” are not in fact disgusting but that my experience towards them is, and that therefore I cannot blame them for being disgusting but myself for creating that experience within myself.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse the chance to face my own fears when and as I have been approached by people I have feared, resented and justified feeling disgusted towards.

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08102013

I realize there are some words and terms that I am now reacting to. They are:

• date / dating (in finnish: treffit)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word “date” (“treffit”) to mean such an event where two people meet each other with expectations, hopes and wishes of romance, sex, intimacy, company and partnership, which makes them blind to what is actually HERE (who the people actually are) as everything within the meeting is filtered through the expectations, hopes and wishes – anticipation - making it impossible for the situation to end up in anything but disappointment or fulfillment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even if I go on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone who has expectations, hopes and wishes about the situation, I don't have to position myself towards the situation in a similar manner.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I go onto a “date” (“treffit”) with expectations, hopes and wishes that are directed towards the other person, I am (indirectly) asking for the other to fulfill my desires, to feed my addiction, to be what I am not to myself – and that I am thus living as a beggar only caring about my self-interest and seeing the other as a “tool” to get what I want.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that a “date” (“treffit”) does not have to include expectations directed towards the other, and that instead I can go onto a date without expectations, with no desire, plan or a goal of what I would like to do with the person, and through getting to know the person create the interaction moment by moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear going on a “date” (“treffit”) with someone whom I perceive and believe to be “begging” me for something (directing his/her expectations towards me) because I have felt like I am obligated to not “hurt” that person and that I am thus “powerless” in front of their desire.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that living according to a thought pattern where I cannot “hurt” the other by being honest and refusing to participate in their energy possessions, I make myself a victim of abuse. [This is how people get raped, for example.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the “hurtful” experience of another is in fact created by the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry responsibility for “hurting people” when I have been honest and not participated in their romantic/lustful energy possessions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear other people getting disappointed because they might exert and blame their experience on me, and thus rather try and keep people from getting disappointed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when another person reacts to their “energy train” hitting the wall and crumbling away, I am of most support to the person by keeping myself stable and NOT by giving into fear and trying to get their energy up and running again.

When and as I react with fear to another's disappointment (as expressed through anger, depression, spite etc.) - I stop, I breathe and I realize that the fear is a remnant of a thought pattern that is no longer functional. I realize that by giving into my fear and trying to “soften the blow” for the other I will only make the situation worse. I remind myself that by keeping myself stable and focusing on forgiving and releasing my own reaction I am of most support to the other as well as to myself. I focus on my breath and on my body, letting go of all tension that occurs. I allow the other to express their disappointment, and when/as/if they are done expressing themselves, I will move myself according to self-honesty.

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09102013

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even the people I am overwhelmingly attracted to do in fact have “flaws” that I pick up - they are not perfect as opposed to those I resent – but that I am too busy with my experience of “falling in love” to pay attention to and define them according to these “flaws” YET.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that each and every person has lessons to offer me as there are points in every person I react to with fear. [In theory I guess it's possible that those points might run out eventually, at least with some individuals, at least for a while.]

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that when I look at these dates I have now agreed to attend I have expectations myself, and that even though they are not positive expectations but negative ones (fear, standing back, keeping a distance, being wary, expecting the worst, being in escape mode, keeping an emergency exit, “what if things go wrong”) they do in fact influence my positioning in the situation – they are the polarity of positive expectations and carry the exact same amount of consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for having expectations towards a meeting when I have had expectations all the same.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to demand that others take care of their shit so that I wouldn't have to deal with mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that these dates will “not go well”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hope that these dates will “not go well” because then I'd have an excuse not to face the fears the other triggers in me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to expect that when I invite Y to my house he will try to take advantage of the situation, not realizing that I base this expectation on who I believe him to be – the two-dimensional paper doll labeled “Y” I have painted within my mind – and not on who he actually is because I don't really know him all that much.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to filter my perception of Y through the initial fear he triggered in me through some romantic gesture some weeks ago, thus ignoring all the “signs” that tell me he might as well be a decent person that I can trust to not be an abusive asshole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being abused, not realizing that I accept and allow abuse to happen throughout the interaction that leads up to the act of abuse by making myself less than who I am.

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I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” because I have perceived and believed them to be a sign of the other having expectations, hopes and wishes towards me, not realizing that no matter the other's intentions these “romantic gestures” are only “romantic” if I believe them to be, and that in essence they are just actions: giving a “romantic gift” is just giving a gift, a “kiss on the hand” is just a kiss on a body part, “sweet-talking” is just giving a compliment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear to “romantic gestures” just as I reacted to X's dating proposal: with my stance collapsing from neutral/friendly into negative expectations, “oh fuck he wants something from me”.

• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that if another person wants something from me I am somehow responsible for it.
• I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be burdened by other people's desires, not realizing that even if the desires are directed towards me I am still not connected to those desires – I am just the trigger for who the other one is as behavioral and mental patterns.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that “romantic gestures” are the self-expression of another, which is nothing personal towards me (even if the other personifies their feelings with their image of me) and that I do not have to participate in them in any way whatsoever if I so choose.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take a “romantic gesture” as a sign of “who I need to / am expected to be” and not as an indicator of who the other one is.

I commit myself to participate in these dates aware of my own movements, not blaming my reactions on the other but bringing them back to myself.

I commit myself to support and assist myself to stand clear within these meetings by focusing on my breath and taking note of any and all reactions that may occur.

I commit myself to expect others to be no less than the best they can be.

Day 328: Attraction - part 6 - intermission

07102013

This post is a part of the following series:

Day 323: Attraction, part 1

Day 324: Attraction, part 2

Day 325: Attraction, part 3

Day 326: Attraction, part 4

Day 327: Attraction, part 5

I've been meaning to “wrap up” the attraction series by writing commitment statements on it, but something else relating to the subject has surfaced, and I need to write about it first to get some clarity.

Yesterday within the time span of 4 hours two people asked me out on a date and a third one expressed his interest. Now, because I have been very withdrawn and shy throughout my life I haven't really come across situations like this before (I've only had, like, ONE dating request per day, thankyouverymuch), so I have been surprised and confused about all this unrequested attention, especially because I have had feelings of attraction towards some other people I've met recently. The thing is, I am not particularly attracted towards any of the people who approached me yesterday – in fact, on some level I resent them all – and now I am faced with the question: “Now what?” What do I do here? What's the opportunity here? How do I communicate? What do I even want? What's behind the resentment?

I am asking myself: what have I done to “ask for attention”? Am I somehow sending a message that says “I'm available, come and get meeeeee”? Who have I been within the interaction with the people from yesterday – have I been sending cues?

I realize that with two out of three I have had fleeting thoughts of “what if” - in other words, I have considered them as possible partners if only for a little while. This, of course, can be picked up in my behavior. The thing is, with these guys I have already decided (based on the few encounters I've had with them) that I will not go into an intimate relationship with either one. But hang on, what exactly do I base this decision on? The resentment I have? Isn't fear what's behind the resentment? If so, why would I succumb to my fear and stay within my comfort zone? Isn't that precisely where I stagnate?

The thing is, I fear getting too close to people whom I perceive to be “beggars” - looking for company out of dependency. These kinds of people I usually kindly turn away, and one of the guys from yesterday to me appears to be “one of them” - although I really can't say because I've only met him very briefly. I do not want to support anyone's addictions, and this is why I find this principle one that I will stick to, as long as I take care to not assume people to be what I believe them to be and to communicate myself properly to the other.

Right, so long story short: in my surroundings there are people I am attracted towards and with whom I feel comfortable and “nice” all around – there's a positive excitement. And there are also people I have been approached by and who on some level do seem genuinely interesting – but not in the romantic, exciting, feelgood way. AND there's also people that I am even frightened of because of what I see of myself with them. My problem is, I don't how to “organize” my situation, so to speak – how to define all these people, what I do with them, what is “allowed” and all that. In other words: by going through what I have in these attraction series so far about polygamy, limitations, self-expression and fear of undefined relationships, I have actually summoned this situation upon myself. Lol, what a fucking challenge! Thanks a lot, me! Lol, no really, I am quite cool with this now that I'm somehow starting to grasp what's going on.

There are some specific points relating to this situation that I will go through.

• reaction to a romantic gesture: “did I insult him by not responding to his gesture?”
  • the “pleaser girlfriend” / “ideal girlfriend” persona – wanting the other to feel good and thus responding as I think I “should” respond
• accepting date requests – not being able to say “no”
• private writings on each person specifically
• resentment and fear
• plus others that emerge while going through what I wrote today.

Alright, I will continue tomorrow.

Days 278-280: Disassembling the fear of masculinity

24-26072013

I'm continuing with perspectives on self-suppression and self-expression. Today I noticed a habit of suppressing my curiosity about a stranger (i.e. an urge to look at someone just to see who's there) because something about the stranger seems intimidating. This usually happens with young men whom I do not want to mistake my curiosity for romantic/sexual interest. I noticed this habit especially in Vanuatu where all the passerby's would greet me and I would happily greet back – except for the groups of young men. According to my perception the young men there either called out all kinds of woos and pretty words to attract the white trophy woman, or they ignored you completely because women are not considered equal to men. So I decided to not even try to communicate with the young men as normal human beings but saw them as beasts with foul intentions and turned away. I realize that by doing so I never even gave them (or myself) a fair chance.

Today I was sitting in a train and reading a book when two men speaking something that I think was spanish or portuguese sat across from me. I got curious about them and wanted to look at them just to see what kind of people they were, but I associated the language with some macho stereotypes and suddenly got scared that if I looked directly at them they would change from normal human beings (which, as indicated by their discussion, they probably were) into macho machissimo men beasts who would start to hit on me and not leave me alone. I feel ridiculous saying that out loud, because I realize it's all in my imagination.

And so what if someone I paid attention to did take it as a chance to pursuit their desires through me? I am not powerless to direct such a situation so that nothing happens, but apparently I see myself as such. Maybe because I never give myself a chance to try.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see (young) men as sex-hungry psychopaths who would do everything in their power to have sex with a woman they randomly pick out as a target, and that they would not care about consent, ignore all refusals (both the kind “no thank you's” and the blunt “get lost's”) and use manipulation and pressure to get what they want – not realizing that even though this has happened to me many times it does not mean that every single (young) man is like this, and that I forget all the times I have been treated as an equal because of the few times I have been treated as an object.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not consider what drives a person to act in the way I described above, and rather simplify it into a stereotype of “young horny men” which allows me to blame men for the dysfunctional interaction and abdicate my own responsibility over it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself in these situations to not consider that when a person is driven by desire it is motivated by a fear and to then look for the fear that is present in the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear desireful men (with that specific yearning in their eyes and body language) because when I am the target of their desire I fear getting devoured. (This also applies to cases where I am a willing participant.)

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There is something I have been pondering lately: why does masculinity attract me? Why am I not attracted to feminine people but instead to those who somehow manifest masculinity? I am increasingly aware of the way men (and some women) just ooze this sense of power, like the whole build of a male body is just designed to show off that powerfulness and strength. And all the while I find it extremely attractive I am also frightened by it, because I have seen and felt how it can be abused. Desire and fear, fear and desire, going around and around and around.

--

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear men as a manifestation of masculinity because I fear the qualities of masculinity will be used against me as they have been used against women for a major portion of the human existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that in order for humanity to rise from this state of gender inequality it does not only require for men to stop abuse (which they in very large numbers already have) but also for women to stop expecting men to abuse.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that what women can do to assist the situation towards equality is not to revolt and blame men and call for superiority in the name of unfairness – but to show courage in forgiving ourselves for not assisting men to see why they abuse their masculinity (just as much as women abuse their femininity) and how it could be directed and harnessed for actions that serve that which is the best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse femininity because I have perceived and believed it to be my “only weapon” against masculine power abuse. (Note to self: I just did this today in the face on male dominance – made myself small and meek when another was dominating a situation.)

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not harness myself as a literal embodiment of femininity into using my feminine qualities for actions that bring about a world that is best for all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my masculine traits to try and get up to “men's level” - to try and balance out inequality by raising myself up to the superior caste, not realizing that this only upholds the gender separation.

--

Okay. Now to apply this to the moment of self-suppression.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate (young) men with my perception of (young) men – the “abusive male” stereotype – and to thus, upon seeing (young) men, draw up that association/stereotype from my mind and react to that mind image with fear as if it was true, not realizing that the mind image is not real in any way whatsoever but a compilation of assumptions, memories and beliefs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be directed by a fear towards an image in my mind as I have not seen, realized and understood that this image is not real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to stop breathing when I react to this mind image with fear, not realizing that as I stop breathing I lock myself into the mind and into the fear as I lose my grounding in this physical reality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have stopped breathing upon reacting to this mind image with fear, to not realize that I can simply start breathing again and thus release myself from the fear as I return from the mind into the physical through this act of grounding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have been locked into this state of fear and not breathing, to be directed into avoiding to look at another, secretly trying to look at another, turning my head away from another, ignoring the look of another, pretending that I am not curious about another and not initiating any sort of contact with another.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have locked myself into this state of fear and directed myself into the actions described above, to justify my actions by thinking: “I don't have to know every person on Earth”, “it doesn't matter if I don't make contact with this person”, “I don't have time for a proper discussion”, “why bother if it's just for two minutes”, “I will never meet them again anyway”, “they look like they're not my kind of people anyway”, et cetera – not realizing that every single one of these thoughts is utter bullshit based on fear and separation and not valid reasons in any way whatsoever.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to direct myself into believing my own lies as I have lived within this loop of believing a mind image and then building up a whole conceptual reality around my fear to have it make sense – which I then use again in another situation to repeat this loop ad infinitum – not stopping to realize that the key to ending all this is the initial point of reaction which I accept and allow to pass by unnoticed, unquestioned, unsolved.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my social curiosity about the people I share this reality with under a fear that is not based on the reality, as even though many men have done many harmful deeds, underneath that lies a universe of humanity in which simple comprehendible things accumulate to incomprehendible actions; My fear that “all men want to harm me” does not consider the process a person has to go through to want to harm another being and therefore it is not based on the reality.

When and as I see myself reacting to (young) men with fear - my breath getting shallow, muscles getting tense, head lowering and shoulders rising up and forward – I stop, I breathe and I realize I am reacting to who I believe them to be, not to who they actually are. I realize that my pre-decided perception/belief does not and cannot take into consideration what these people in my field of experience are actually going through within themselves. I realize that by looking at these people through my perception/belief I never give them a chance to live as the best they can be as by expecting them to live as the worst they can be I support them to be just that. I remind myself that every single human being is born as a “clean slate” (apart from what a child learns during pregnancy) and that in most people this platform of self-honest and sincere communication is accessible through kindness, friendliness, honesty and good will. I return myself to breath. If the fear of initiating contact with another lingers, I utilize self-forgiveness to verbalize my experience and then let it go. I ask myself what I would like to do – how is it I would like to express myself – and I push through any remaining resistance and do it. If hesitation remains, I remind myself that it's OK to make mistakes because they are nothing personal but lessons to learn from.

I commit myself to utilize the self-corrective statement above in any and all situations where my fear of (young) men is triggered as far as I am able to remember.

I commit myself to practice breathing (returning myself to self-aware breathing whenever I notice myself having fallen away from it) within and as the realization that if I am stable within breathing when and as the fear of (young) men is triggered, it is much easier for me to notice and then transcend.

I commit myself to challenge myself to “take risks” - to initiate contact with those I fear just to see what happens – as I see, realize and understand that growth only occurs outside of my comfort zone.

Day 186: The healer character

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This is a part of the relationship series I've been walking lately:

Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support

Day 178: Separation of genders

Day 179: The attraction fallacy

Days 180-181: The "safe zone" of intimacy

Day 182: Romantic gestures and fantasies

Day 183: SF on romance, part 1

Days 184-185: SF on romance, part 2

I have a healer syndrome. I want to heal those in need and be the rescue to the weak ones who cannot help themselves. This is not done simply out of common sense (the world is a wreck and help is needed) – it is done for self-elevation. I feel like I am doing something meaningful and giving myself a purpose when I help others, those in need.

Okay, so “the ones in need” is an interesting concept. When I was a teenager I found myself attracted to teenage boys younger than myself. I saw them to be more “innocent” than boys of my age – that they needed someone older and more “mature” to gently guide them. This was derived from my fear of men, because teenage boys to me represented males who had not yet been corrupted into scary and dangerous beings.

One group that falls into this category aside from teenage boys (men that are not yet scary/dangerous) is children. I get a kick out of being a supportive adult – it's not necessarily anything I do especially, but just the position and status of being “the wise one to turn to”. When I wish to see myself as “wise” and “enlightened” I overlook the practical reality which is that I am NOT wise nor enlightened or in any way “ready” to be a guide to others but am still way in the middle of my own process.

What I realized now is that when I stand as the “helper character” I actually look down on the people I'm helping. I see the challenges and shortcomings of others as something I can abuse to feel “more capable”, “more mature”, “more evolved”. Thus I do not want provide others actual support but just to comfort – and to comfort is to accept and allow another to be the way they are, to tell them they are “fine” the way they are, without ever addressing what they'd actually need to work on in themselves. Especially when I happen to see clearly what another is going through (or believe so) it is my responsibility to not let it slip by. Even if I was trying to actually support another but would be doing it from the starting point of self-elevation, I would be doing more harm than good.

So there's the side of practicality: if I at this moment can share my experience with another in a supportive and assisting way, so be it. If there is an actual need I will do what I can to practically help. This is what is required of us people, to be watchful of each other so that no one is abandoned in times of need, and I commit myself to practice being HERE in awareness so that I do not sleepwalk through the moments where action is required.

Then there's the side of non-practicality: not actually helping. This is when emotions/feelings/thoughts are wallowed in, when there's nothing but gossip and going along with the moods of another without question. This kind of interaction leads to nothing but stagnation as we accept and allow each other to live within our unresolved issues and repeat our patterns ad infinitum. This is not to nurture; this is not to support; this is actually to act against life.

And thus I commit myself to no longer use the weaknesses of others for my self-elevation – so that I could feel like a “saviour” - as I see, realize and understand that what really matters are the actual needs of others that I either can or cannot be of assistance in. This practicality of how I can help and if I can help is also important to consider: sometimes there are situations where I cannot do a thing, and that's when I cannot force myself to act as if I am helping or force myself to come up with some way to help simply because I want the status points for being a “helper”. That's when I need to direct the one in need towards someone/something I believe could maybe be of real assistance. I need to learn to let go of my ego in situations like this. I cannot help everyone – yet I am able to affect the well-being of everyone by living myself into a best possible human being who will build this world and not destroy it. This is what my focus needs to be in: myself.

An interesting facet of this is how I have manifested this within romantic relationships and how I have created relationships based on this point – which has obviously led to the relationship falling apart. When I have not been the needy/clingy/dependent one – the beggar – I have been “the helper” who “saves” helpless people from whatever pit they're lying in. This desire has lingered ever since my teenage years and is triggered every now and then, and it is fundamentally connected to my fear of men.

Day 178: Separation of genders

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This post is a continuation to:

Day 177: Relationships and cross-gender support

I've continued with private writings. For my blog I chose to elaborate on a topic mentioned in yesterday's post:

“So here I associate “strength” with the capability for violence, which in itself is fascinating and another facet in how I have separated myself from the male gender as humans as LIFE simply because we come in a different packaging.”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the male gender by perceiving them to be alien to me because there are in-born differences in our physical bodies and learned differences in our personalities and behavior.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be fascinated and frightened by the differences between myself and males, going from one energetic polarity to another and seeing the differences as reasons to perceive males to be more than me (and in some cases less than me).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the male gender because I perceive them to be “alien” to me because of qualities they possess and I do not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am fascinated/frightened by the differences between me and males because I am drawn to that which I lack in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from those qualities which I lack at the moment by believing and perceiving them to be exclusive to the entity in which they commonly appear (the male gender).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to interpret the qualities that the male gender commonly has and the female gender commonly doesn't to be exclusive to males because this is the prevailing norm – not realizing that the current state of things is not necessarily the true nature of things but just the way things are run at the moment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself according to the word “female”, thus seeing myself as separate from all that I associate with the word “male”, creating a separation and a competition.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe the two genders are meant to live in separation to never have full understanding of each other because this is how the humanity operates relationships currently.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see past my perception of gender to see, realize and understand that the only actual difference between the genders in this physical reality is just the physical differences – that everything else is generated and upheld in the mind, which is the domain which is in no way real.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive gender to be a relevant defining factor in who people are, not realizing that the practical differences only have to do with reproduction and different types of physical work (which may also be overcome with practice).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to magnify the physical differences between males and females and give them “meanings” in my mind, within this justifying the separation of genders and my compliance to it.

Male = strong / violent, straightforward / inconsiderate, non-emotional / dense, stern / immobile,

Female = gentle / weak, empathetic / ineffective, sensitive / hysteric, soft / limp,

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the male gender with strength, straightforwardness, rationality and sternness and their negative polarities and to believe them to be exclusive to males.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to glorify those with strength, effectiveness, rationality and steadfastness and hold on to them to always live out these qualities for me instead of looking at myself to find these qualities in myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to associate the female gender with gentleness, empathy, sensitivity and softness and to define myself according to this perception because I believed that because I am female I need to live up to it – not realizing that I am not looking at what the female gender actually is but only my interpretation of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself as a teenager to perceive myself to be rebelling against the female gender when I did not fit my interpretation of it, creating a personality from this rebellion and refusing to embrace myself as a female member of my species.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed of being a female because I live in a male-dominated world run by masculine structures, designs and systems and to try and escape my gender by developing qualities that were masculine and ignoring those that were feminine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to survive in a male-dominated world by becoming more masculine motivated by my fear of death (not surviving).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the male gender because the current structure of the world/society/humanity is male-dominant and as a female I saw myself to be in a losing position.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that the current structure of the world is not necessarily the best we can be as humanity and as Life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to succumb to the current male-dominant world structure because I have perceived myself to be powerless to change it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that all change begins within the individual, and that I need to look at the male-dominance within myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become male-dominant myself as I succumbed to the fear of the masculine world structure and tried to become masculine myself, overriding feminine qualities in myself to replace them with masculine qualities – not realizing that as I do this from the starting point of fear I am simply trying to survive without actually facing the problem and looking for a solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that by having the power to balance the masculine and the feminine within myself I do have the power to affect the world structure that is in imbalance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that one cannot be both fully masculine and fully feminine, because I perceive them to somehow contradict each other – not realizing that all the things we have named as “masculine” and “feminine” are in fact just different points and areas in the full scale of human expression, and that human expression is not limited by the bodies we are born into (unless physically disabled).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe the two buckets titled “masculine” and “feminine” into which we throw and separate different qualities to be real – not realizing they are concepts created in the mind and not the physical reality itself, as the physical reality will stay the same whether these concepts exist or not; if the buckets disappeared, the qualities thrown into them would still be here, just not in separation but in one pile.

I commit myself to study the world structure in order to see how the imbalance of the feminine and the masculine has been created and upheld and to through this find a solution to it.

I commit myself to explore the full scope of human expression by investigating the “masculine” and the “feminine” buckets and their contents and by challenging myself to try whatever lies beyond my comfort zone.

I commit myself to further investigate my relationship to femininity from within the realization that I've been rejecting it for a long time.

I commit myself to further investigate my relationship to masculinity as I now see and realize I have practiced masculine traits from the starting point of fear.

Most importantly: I commit myself to realize that the words “masculine” and “feminine” are merely words as symbols and guidelines for us to organize information within our mind-realities / conceptual realities – and that these words/symbols/concepts do not in fact concretely exist in the physical and thus are irrelevant.

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I watched a documentary on sexual harassment which happens to fit this subject. Why I'm mentioning this is because at the end of the document I had a panic attack, which hasn't happened in ages (I had just been reflecting back on my panic disorder and realizing it's been gone for a long time already – nope!). I realize this is because of the general point of view of the documentary, where holding on to one's fears is justified and all the blame is passed on the other participant of the interaction – and I'm NOT saying there's nothing wrong with the world, that misogyny is made up, that we're all just “hysteric” and “overreacting” - which is what some also do on that documentary – because I do realize there's still a major problem with the power structure that favors some over others (in this case men over women). A reason why the separation between genders prevails is because they are seen different by “nature”, that they are “supposed” to be different and treated differently. But what this “feminine empowerment” that this documentary represents is actually doing is supporting the fear, it's validating the fear, it's saying “look, men are not to be trusted, you SHOULD be afraid!” as if this was valid – it may be rational to be cautious but fear is never justified.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that my experiences of sexual harassment on the streets may have been very different if I had faced the other without fear and looked at who the other is and what it is they actually seek instead of instantly locking myself into fear of getting assaulted, flooding my mind with worst-case scenarios and thus disabling myself from actually doing something about the situation because my mind was preoccupied with survival strategies.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have been harassed on the street, to blame the other for my experience of anxiety, fear, vulnerability and helplessness, not realizing that I create these experiences myself by seeing myself as less than the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to position myself towards a man primarily by keeping in mind that men are physically stronger than women and have the ability to abuse this advantage and have done so throughout human history – completely disregarding all the other traits that people consist of and the fact that the decision to abuse is made independent of all human history and tendency within the moment of interaction, which I am a participant of.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see men as human beings but as abusers because of my prejudice through which I perceive men to be a threat.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize I am doing men a disservice by perceiving them to be abusers instead of human beings, because as I perceive a man to be an abuser I support him to live according to my expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that whenever I expect something of another, be it positive or negative, I support the other to live according to my expectation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see myself as one with and equal to the male gender as I have for a long time been wary of the physical disadvantage, this being the first thing that comes up in my mind when interacting with men in most circumstances. [This, yo, this needs to be specified.]

Fascinating stuff opening up. I'll continue tomorrow again.