Days 276-277: Self-suppression

22-23072013

I have mastered the suppression of my own emotions to such an extent that I become blind to them. There's been something bottling up in me for a while now, and when this experience was triggered in me today once more I realized that there is something way wrong, that I am headed towards a falling point like a car directed towards the edge of a cliff. I realized that I need to stop and face myself, because I knew that if I kept on going I would end up bringing about my own destruction. The problem was, I had no idea what I was experiencing.

I knew I had to be alone to reach the required level of self-intimacy, so I shut myself in the guestroom I'm sleeping in, turned the lights off, wrapped myself in blankets and hugged a hot water bottle. Here I started to ask myself questions. The problem was, my answers would always digress. I would start blaming others and forgetting that I too had responsibility to carry; I would see clues and hints were there weren't any; I would go through different scenarios in my mind as if they were already happening and forget that all of them were possible only through my interpretation of my perception – which is not the equivalent of truth. After following these traces in my mind for a while I realized that I was on the wrong track, that I was making no progress but only making things worse. So I returned to the most prominent experience I had had and started putting it into words. What exactly did I experience? What was my reaction? What was the trigger? Why did I experience this? And underneath this I found the core fear, the worst-case scenario I had been fearful to voice, and when I put it into words and found a way to express it I broke into tears because I was finally in touch with myself again, I was being honest with myself, I knew who I was. But it required a tool of expression, language, and the mental tools to get through the layers of shit I had been piling up.

When I was sitting there crying wrapped in blankets, wearing oversized garments and holding a hot water bottle I thought that I must look like a child and I felt ashamed. I was ashamed for feeling the things I felt. I thought that I should be more than that. I was comparing myself to other people whom I perceived to be much more “adult” than myself because apparently they don't get insecure like this and their lives are all fine and stable. I thought that my problems are like children's problems, ridiculous and immature. And so I realized that a key element in my emotion suppression is shame: for some reason I have learned that emotions/feelings should not be shared, maybe because they should not exist in the first place, maybe because expressing them leaves me vulnerable. I noticed this exact pattern with positive feelings just a couple of days ago when a child I had gotten to know was expressing his affection towards me and I hesitated in responding even though I wanted to. I thought of it as an expression of weakness. Luckily the child did not see it that way, and in his actions I saw that it was in fact a strength, because him expressing his feelings was an act of self-honesty. I intend to learn of his example.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my emotions and feelings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed of my inner experiences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my feelings, emotions and other inner experiences because I have wanted to hide them and not admit that they exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to pretend that my emotions and feelings don't exist when I suppress them - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my own deception.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to see emotions and feelings as a weakness.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that experiencing feelings/emotions reduces my worth – makes me a less of a person.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that even though emotions and feelings are a sign of mind patterns I have not transcended yet, they are an inevitable part of the process and cannot be bypassed no matter how much I would like to “be there already” - which may or may not be a state of transcendence that is ever achievable in this life (I won't know until I die).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe emotions/feelings to be a sign of weakness instead of realizing that they are a manifestation of who I am within that moment, and that to express who I am is to live as self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to emotions/feelings with fear as I remember the mind pattern [emotion/feeling = negative] - and I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to respond to my reaction by suppressing these emotions/feelings because I fear that letting them out would only have negative consequences.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that expressing myself will result in negative consequences for me.

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I know that this has begun somewhere early in my childhood. I have been an introvert child for as long as anyone can remember: I have asked my parents and siblings about this, and according to them I have always “kept to myself”, which everyone thought to be normal because of the belief that some people “just are born” introverts and some extroverts. I realize that this is a pattern I have picked up from my parents, different aspects from both of them, and integrated their issues into a manifestation of insecurity. I have lived as the crystallization of my parents' issues.

--

[Here I did detailed SF on my parents in private, which I will continue with and expand on.]

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize nor understand that every action of self-suppression that I commit supports this pattern of suppressing my emotions/feelings, and that thus in order to overcome the issue with emotional expression I need to tackle every single moment of self-suppression – which means that the process ahead is going to be demanding and thus require my full attention. (No half-assing!)

I commit myself to from now onwards focus on the point of self-suppression in my writings and lived process in order to map out and comprehend how it manifests in different ways and different situations.

I commit myself to for now focus on the point of self-suppression – which directly affects all of my social relations - as my biggest challenge at the moment is to get the social aspect of my life into a balanced state where I could actually utilize relations with others to support and assist me instead of using them to abuse myself and others.

I commit myself to open up the father and mother insecurity patterns with self-forgiveness in private and to share in public whatever I can, if anything at all.

When and as I see myself reacting to an emotion / a feeling with fear and suppression – with the physical sensation as if I am closing the mouth of a bottle (head area) and pushing the emotional energy down towards my solar plexus – I stop, I breathe and I realize that I am rejecting myself and refusing to look at who I am, and that the emotion/feeling that was trying to surface was an expression of who I truly am within that moment. I realize I am doing this out of FEAR. I remind myself that emotions/feelings are in fact not a negative thing and that it is better for me to express them so that I am at least honest with myself. I realize that the expression of emotions/feelings can be utilized for self-reflection as when I express myself I have a chance to observe myself and learn of myself. I realize that whatever emotion/feeling I express I am able to forgive myself and that I should thus not be afraid to express any emotion/feeling. I stabilize myself in breath and I utilize breath to release the tension and suppression from my physical body. I look at myself in self-honesty by asking questions in order to figure out what emotion/feeling/experience I was suppressing and why I was afraid to express it. I structure my experience into self-forgiveness statements either in speech or writing and continue with it until the experience dissolves.

Day 233: The value of language

14052013

I have been thinking a lot about language. I was just now watching korean TV programs with some people at my hostel and we were talking about how weird it is to watch TV when we don't understand the language: “we can't really say if this is comedy or not”. But as I was looking at the cheerful soap operas, dramatic movies and sugary commercials, I realized that I did understand them, that which was essential about them: that which was actually lived out in the flesh. I had no idea what the idols were singing about, but I did see what they were attempting to portray and whether they believed in their facade or not. I did not know what the character was sad about, but I did see the tears on her face; I didn't know what shocked her, but I saw the way she looked at the TV and trembled. I didn't know what the lady was angry about, but I did understand the tone of her shouting voice. Shortly put: I saw action, I saw movement – and that was enough for me to understand what was actually going on. The details of the motives as expressed in words were not relevant to what was actually happening in matter.

While I've been here I've also got a glimpse into how koreans (and other asians) perceive the english language. I've realized that it has been almost completely stripped of its practical value as a tool of communication, and now it is most commonly used as a trinket – a cheap jewel; some words have been charged with special emotions, feelings and meanings that may have nothing to do with the actual meaning/usage of the word. Thus we end up with cafes and restaurants and shops and clothes with english words all over them, yet none of these people adorning themselves with them cannot actually speak english. The value of this specific language has been stripped to uselessness. (I don't know about korean's/asian's attitude towards learning foreign languages in general or if this is just a thing towards english).

So I realized that I have also valued some things about language more than the actual communicative value. For example, I see myself reacting every time a word is mispronounced or misspelled Here I react to the language not being spoken “my way” - the way I perceive it to be “correct” - and do not consider whether what was being said was comprehendible or not within current context. Having a common set of rules for a language is necessary and has immense practical value, but there must be another way of supporting others' knowledge of languages than acting trough reactions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that expressing motives with words is necessary so that others would fully understand what is happening, not realizing that the matter uses no words and is still fully comprehendible by simply being HERE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that to express the specific workings of the mind is necessary – not realizing that what actually matters is that which happens in matter.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and perceive that emotions/feelings have value in themselves, not realizing that what actually matters is what happens in flesh.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give more value to the mind than the matter that is being moved by it – the consequences that need to be treated.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to things being “incorrect” and “out of place” when I have read someone misspell a word or heard someone mispronounce a word.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react with self-judgement every time I have misspelled or mispronounced a word, feeling like I “have to” correct myself so that I would be aligned with “reality” again (what I perceive and believe to be the “real” way of using a language).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to construct my reality based on how I have been told things are “for real”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive and believe the way english was taught to me in school to be the “real”/”true”/”correct” way of using english language.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not realize that the practical value of a language is to work as a tool of communication between people (beings with higher cognitive functions / a mind) so that we could share our experience with each other, and that even though using language along the same rules has a crucial role in this so that a word is understood similarly between all participants, there is no universally “real”, “true” or “correct” way of using a language because words are just symbols with meanings we have agreed to charge them with - like empty cups filled with varying liquids – and that us having a hegemonic way of using a language at this point in time does not mean that this way is the one and only and that language cannot be redefined.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself, when and as I have heard a mispronunciation / read a misspelling, to only see my reaction to things being “out of place” instead of looking at whether this mistake was relative to whether the other got himself understood or not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to correct others' mispronunciations / misspellings from the starting point of wanting to “put things in place” instead of looking at whether it is relevant or not to correct the other at this moment in terms of comprehensibility.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create stability into a world of chaos by organizing the language I use and others use as “correctly” as possible, allowing no flexibility in the usage of words without seeing, realizing and understanding that the meanings and forms of words are bound to change along with the people who use them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to only think and see “incorrect!” when a word is misspelled / mispronounced, not looking at what is actually causing the other to use the language in a way that is different from mine.

When and as I react to a mispronunciation or a misspelling - by myself or another – I commit myself to stop, breathe and remind myself that I am reacting to my worldview being challenged. I realize I am holding onto language as an unfaltering structure to compensate for my lack of inner stability. I stabilize myself in breath and look at how and why the word was used “incorrectly” to see whether the reason was such that it is necessary to be “corrected” - for example, if the word was understood similarly by all participants it may not need to be straightened out.

Day 230: Discussion on the word "responsibility"

11052013

so heavy!

I had a conversation with a friend and it turned interesting when I noticed we were talking about the same concept but with differing definitions where it started turning into a debate. I realized how important it is to make sure all are on the same level about words, the gravity of words and the nature of words as symbols that can be loaded in a multitude of ways.

The word we clashed with was “responsibility” (or “vastuu” in finnish). My friend connected this word extensively with negative connotations and told me that “there is no responsibility without guilt”. I explained my take on responsibility by saying that when there is a goal (here, to ensure a world that is best for all) then I have responsibility as defined by the goal – if I act in a way the consequences of which distance me from the goal then I am not carrying my responsibility. I also talked about individual responsibility (one's “ultimate” responsibility towards oneself) when he expressed that “no one has to take care of others”. I do not see carrying responsibility to be a “burden” or anything negative, because it is simply what is now necessary.

So when we actually got to the meta level and noticed we were having a debate because of this one word we got to discharging it. It was cool because he saw where his understanding of this word comes from and I realized that this is where some of my conversations with people may go wrong, that I'm simply misinterpreted. I also realized the importance of simplifying or breaking down complicated concepts so that they are comprehendible for everyone, although not “dumbing it down” and encouraging more complex cognitive understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take into consideration the differing interpretations people have of words and to thus explain the terms I am using and make sure I am on the same level of understanding with others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to refuse to let go of “my way” of using words within a conversation to allow for the terms to be broken down and understood by all because I have believed and perceived that “my way” of using the words is “correct” and the others' is “incorrect”.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to override the other in the conversation when I realized what was causing conflict and wanted to share this so that the conflict would be solved, not allowing the other to finish their sentence and belittling them when they reacted to this.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to being interrupted within conversation with frustration, thinking “he never allows me to speak” and making myself restless and unable to listen to his words, accumulating this experience every time I got interrupted, and then exerting my frustration on the other (as described above) when I had the chance.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to react to being interrupted instead of stopping, breathing and realizing that this is nothing personal but just the other expressing themselves – living as who they are by interrupting my speech – and that this here is a chance for me to observe the other.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to disregard the gravity of words by not being aware of the vocabulary I use and the reactions it may stir in others, as I have not seen, realized or understood that communication is not about reveling in my self-expression but about exchanging information/understanding with others.

I commit myself to build awareness of my speech and vocabulary as I now see, realize and understand its gravity; and I commit myself to do this by paying attention to others and their reactions to my words within the realization that their reactions are not reactions towards me but towards their interpretations of the words I use.

When and as I get agitated within a conversation, I stop and I breathe. I allow myself to take a break to stabilize myself in breath within the realization that by forgetting to breathe I am allowing my participation in the conversation to “get out of hands” as I participate in my energetic reactions towards the other and engage in a “battle” to “win” the conversation instead of actually communicating. If necessary, I allow myself a break from the conversation by physically moving myself elsewhere for a moment. I return to the conversation once the energy has dissipated and my breath is stable.

When and as another interrupts me within a conversation and I react to this - I stop, I breathe and I remind myself that this is nothing personal but the other expressing him/herself. I breathe and let go of what I was speaking about in order to listen and hear what the other one says and to observe what it is he/she is now expressing. I then place this in context with what I was speaking of before I got interrupted and accordingly decide where to direct the conversation when it is my turn to speak.